Does anyone undesrstand what we are going through?

~ by Cherie Houston

July 31st, 1972 - 39 years ago today, my beautiful daughter Robin died.. She was a beautiful healthy and happy little 7 month old - sharing the nursery with her 16 month old brother Ric - their very patriotic red, white & blue nursery with matching cribs, hers had a beautiful canopy top... We awoke early that Monday morning, to the shock that Robin Marie, our beautiful little girl, had died during the night, a victim of SIDS - yes 39 years ago today, our world seemed to go into a tailspin, that was the day we lost our 2nd child.. God this can't be happening again, but it did.. Our first daughter, Randee Marie, had died the year before on March 17, 1971 - a little more than 9 hours after she'd been born 12 weeks prematurely, but despite the heartache of losing Randee, we were blessed ~ her twin brother, Ric - who was also only 3 lbs - had survived and now again Ric was our "only child".

I've kept a diary since high school and from time to time I go back and read entries from years gone by - funny, sad, philosophical, complaining, angry, proud, amazing, hopeful - such a wide variety of emotions and it helps to see where I've been... I recently went back and read my diary a year after Robin died - not sure I've ever gone back and read the few weeks after her death-that's too painful, but a year later was OK. I was already expecting again - and would be blessed with a little baby boy - yes Ric had a new baby brother - Bobby was born Aug 27th, 13 months after Robin's death and 7 years later we were blessed again with another beautiful baby boy - Sean... Blessings and tragedy seem to be intertwined - on September 19, 2009 our 3rd child would die, when our 36 year old sone Bobby took his own life on September 19th, 2009..... I want to share with you what I wrote one year aftr Robins death, because it reminds me that maybe those around us who can't understand our pain, just truly can't...

Tuesday, July 31st, 1973
I don't remember when or where I heard the expression "the only two things in life that are certain are death and taxes" But I know it's a common statement, so why is it that no one seems comfortable with understanding what death does to those who are left living? Why can't anyone around me understand how painful it is when someone we know or loves is grieving and heartbroken over the loss of their child, parent, spouse or close friend. Why doesn’t everyone around us understand what we are going through? After all everyone is going to experience loss at some time in their life. Or is it that grief is so terribly painful that no one wants to talk about it and those of us who do, we just makes others uncomfortable.

How did this happen – one year ago today my beautiful little girl Robin died, gone – only 7 months old and in just a moment, this healthy happy little girl who had just pulled herself up and took a step was gone… How can this be and why is that no one seems to understand what I’m going through. I watch other young moms and dads who have lost their babies to SIDS and why is that no one around any of us seems to understand the impact that this loss has had on us. Instead, it seems as though others around us, want to yell at us and say “straighten up and get on with your lives – you are young, you’ll get over it – you’ll have another”… Yes, maybe that’s true – after all I am excited about being pregnant again and I’m nervously looking forward to the arrival of this new little girl or boy in a few months, but why can’t anyone understand that I also want Robin back and that this new baby, although he or she will be loved, will not and can never replace Robin – I just want my baby girl back…

It's not fair-what did we ever do wrong to be thrown into this nightmare – like a spooky fraternity with the deaths of our babies in common - yet we have no idea what to do, how to act, what is normal and we are all wondering the same thing – are we all going crazy?? Dr. Sturner has been so wonderful - who could have guessed the medical examiner to do Robin's autopsy would become such a close friend, but he's helped me so much this last year including establishing this SIDS chapter, but he’s a grandfather and although he’s lost a grandbaby to SIDS, he’s blessed that he has all his children – he can’t fully understand how overwhelming this loss is… I’m amazed at the number of “outsiders” who have whispered to us that they themselves, their moms, aunts, grandmas, etc have had a baby who died of ‘crib death also” but they never talk about it – how can that be, I just want to shout it from the roof tops – my baby is gone, my heart is broken, can’t anyone help me… how and why can you keep death a secret??

Each parent I meet, the feelings we share are the same, feelings of devastating pain, all we want are things the way they were ~ we want our life as it once was and our babies back ~ God why cna't anyone understand that this pain is crippling ~ our hearts feel as though they are totally shattered and we aren’t sure if we will ever get through this, how can we cope, will we ever feel better – doesn’t anyone understand how much we are hurting… Is this what we are going to feel forever – it’s been a year, but it feels like this morning – the nightmare repeats itself over and over again in my mind – whether I’m awake or asleep – like a movie that never stops…

But then again I can't be going crazy – because each and every parent I meet who has suffered this same horrific event is feeling the same things, so this must be normal, this must just be what grief is.. But if that's the case, why then, can’t anyone around me understand what I’m going through, because after all – some of them must have been where we are, they must understand what we are going through – because after all everyone is going to suffer the loss of someone they love – after all taxes & death are the only 2 sure things in life that are certain..

So why can’t they understand my grief or is it that they do understand. Yes maybe they do understand more than I think they do, but maybe - just maybe - for them it’s just too painful to go back, so they scurry away from us - almost as though we are contagious and they might catch our grief - and maybe they have to turn their backs on us because they are just grateful that it’s not them…

Grief is all consuming..

Grieving is all consuming and pervades every part of your being to the exclusion of everything else, your body, mind and spirit are all weathering a shock. The experience of grief and loss is extremely personal and different for everyone, but be gentle and compassionate with yourself. .

So many around us want to help us during this process – they want to help “make it better”, but they often have no idea of the inner turmoil you are experiencing, or mean well and will encourage you to do this or do that – do what is right for you.

It is so important that you consider and concentrate on yourself at this time. Listen to your heart, and do what feels right for you, even if it goes against family wishes and reember you are going to feel:

• Sadness, grief, sorrow, mourning, depression and even suicidal thoughts


• Guilt and regret; anger, disappointment, rage, fury


• Numbness, fear, panic and anxiety
  

Express your feelings so you can move through them, rather than getting stuck in them and know that it’s normal to experience:

• Inability to concentrate or focus on a task


• "Stinking thinking," often associated with feelings of guilt or remorse


• Confusion or short attention span


• Failure to process facts and details accurately


• Forgetfulness or even a sense of amnesia
  

Don't worry and be patient with yourself – these symptoms will lessen and disappear in time. Most professionals will remind you to avoid making any major life decisions until you feel a bit less foggy. So if you must make any big decisions, ask for help from others whom you trust.. Trust your gut...

Crying is healthy, so cry me a river

The following article was sent to me recently by one of my students in Boston – she knows I am always trying to find inspirational articles about how we can help ourselves move forward on this journey from mouurning the deaths of our children… and she was right, I found this article (which is actually a blog posting from a fellow blogger) very appropriate… I hope you will enjoy it as much as I did and if you have a chance, check our Karen’s blog.. Cherie Houston

CRY ME A RIVER, By Karen Payne

The big basketball game was held on Monday. I know nothing about college basketball. I’m at peace with that statement. I have no desire to know. I did hear on the radio that after the game the losing team cried. College athletes cried. The reporter seemed to imply that it was OK because they were just boys swept away by the intensity of the game. HMMMMM.
Our new speaker of the house cries….. often. He seems to be quite the emotional guy. So much so that the press has commented on it and ridiculed it and mocked it. HMMMMMMM.

I could go on with many more examples of how our culture finds crying to be quite inappropriate. To shed a tear in the public square is frowned upon. When it happens the comments are either that the person is weak and unstable OR way too emotional for what is considered “normal behavior”. HMMMMMM

So what’s a person to do who is grieving? Tears are a healthy, necessary response to many situations in life. Babies cry and if they didn’t they would starve. People cry when they are in pain (physical or emotional) and this crying is as natural and necessary as breathing. May I be so bold as to suggest that tears were created by God and are needful to maintain our emotional wellbeing? Tears relieve tension; they give an outlet for strong emotions; they are healing and cleansing. Tears can be like the valve on the top of a pressure cooker.

Do you remember the pressure cooker days? My grandma used to cook with a pressure cooker often. One evening my dad walked into the kitchen to see grandma using a fork to relieve some of the steam by jiggling the valve at the top of the pressure cooker. My dad though she was having difficulty with the lid and ran to her rescue. “Here, let me help you.”, He said as he grabbed the handle and gave it a good tug. “NO!” grandma screamed as she ducked pulling her apron over her head. The pot erupted with carrots and potatoes stuck to the ceiling as water and beef roast rained down on the twosome. Dad was trying to be helpful.

Tears are like that. They need to be released whenever the emotions build within. If you don’t let them out they will build a pressure within that could erupt if jiggled or jerked the wrong way. My recommendation to anyone dealing with the deeply-felt emotions of grief - CRY.

I know it’s not socially acceptable in many circles. I know others may think you’re weak or unstable. I realize that because of other’s reactions we often feel embarrassed and uncomfortable about the “leak” of emotion. CRY anyways. JUST CRY.

Crying will be temporarily uncomfortable – but long-term healthy and helpful. Crying is preferrable to eruptions; preferrable to medication to numb the emotions; preferrable to the build up of anxiety, frustration, anger, depression, and general sense of being overwhelmed all the time. Cry. Losing a loved one is worth a tear or two or two-hundred. Cry.

And just so you know…. you are NOT weak or unstable. People who don’t know how to cry are both of those and much more. You don’t want to be those people. Maybe your tears will help them deal with their own hurts with a good cry instead of an eruption.
Today…. if you feel like you need to…. just cry.

Still tearful after all these years, Karen

Karen Payne is the worship pastor at Williams Lake Church of the Nazarene in Waterford Michigan. She writes about grief from her table-for-one at the M-59 BigBoy with coffee and pink mini-laptop in hand. Encouragement for those who grieve. Vist Karen’s blog:

www.karenpaynetableforone.wordpress.com

Grief is like a roller coaster ride...

~ by Cherie Houston

Each summer my husband Dan and I take our "8" young grandchildren to an amusement park for the day. Monday this week when I was waiting for them to experience the “untamed" a new roller coaster ride at their favorite park in New Hampshire, I made the comparison that our grief is just like that untamed beast of a roller coaster ride…

Over the years I’ve heard people refer to the “various stages of grief” that we must all go through on this journey through grief. When our first daughter died in 1971 within hours of being born, I can remember praying that I would just hurry up and get through the grief stages the funeral director had told me about, so that maybe I would feel better and would stop crying... Boy was I wrong… first of all – although the professionals have identified what the various stages are – they can’t tell us when we’ll go through each stage and they certainly can’t tell us how long each stage will last (and how many times we’ll go through each one)… You’ve heard of the “stages”…if not let me introduce them to you…

Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”

Anger: “How could they do this”; “Why is this happening?; Who is to blame?”

Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I promise to ____.”

Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything - I can't go on - the pain is overwhelming.”

Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

Having gone through the deaths of my 3 children and several very close family members, I’ve decided that for me, my grief journeys have certainly been much more like that incredible roller coaster ride my grandkids just took - wild and unpredictable and each following a different pattern than the one before…(and I should mention that I totally dislike roller coaster rides)…

First, Grief, like a roller coaster, has countless ups & downs, highs & lows - each time you catch your breath and have a few good moments, WHAM there’s another totally unexpected twist or turn and you spiral - sometimes totally upside down.. Just like the "untamed" it seems as though we are simply going "up" as we enjoy the time preceeding the loss - yes the exhilaration of that part of the ride is exciting, wonderful and feels so very good and then when the death occurs - we plunge down - so quickly and feel as though the drop will never end, believing we too will die - but we don't and won't.

Second, Grief, like a roller coaster, tends to very frightening in the beginning - one moment life is great, you are on a high and then, just like the beginning of this "untamed" ride the bottom seems to fall out, death strikes and youdrop into an abyss-scared and you can't seem to catch your breath and it feels as though it's never going to end... But with time, those difficult periods seem to become less intense and shorter as time goes by…As I’ve said before when I’ve talked about moving forward and grief triggers, even many years after our child death, special events such as a family wedding or the birth of a child or grandchild, can create unexpected strong senses of renewed grief…

When our grand kids got off the ride – their emotions were over the place - scared, excited, sad, feeling a little sick to their stomach’s, one even fought back tears – but what was obvious to me is that they’d do it all over again… And I thought to myself, so wouldn’t I – as rough as the Grief Roller Caster ride is, I wouldn’t trade for a moment the time I had with my 3 children or family members who’ve died just to avoid the terrible way I felt when they did die...

So, as much as I dislike roller coaster rides and this journey through grief, they make me appreciate the exhilaration of the highs I had with each and every one of them while we were on the ride together…

Grief Triggers as we move forward

There's no doubt that in time most of us will begin to "move forward" as our hearts heal from the most tragic of losses - the death of our child. But you have to know,understand and expect, that despite moving forward and finding that new normal for our lives, there will be times - often when you least expect it - a "grief trigger" seems to come out of no where, like a heavy wind, and knock you down....

In the first few days, weeks, months and even that first year or two - we simply were grateful that we could put one foot in front of the other and get through the day.. As we did, even without knowing it, we were beginning to create the foundation for our new normal - that world without our child... Amazing how our minds worked in those early days to protect us - we didn't or couldn't process what others were telling us about how we should act and what we should be doing, it is only as we begin to build our "new normal" and "move forward" that the comments from others begin to disturb and often hurt us... Remember, you are the one "moving forward" from this tragic loss - don’t let others tell you how you should or should not feel or how long you should grieve - let your body and your emotions be your guide.

But know that as you move forward, certain life events, will generate “grief triggers,” which are simply waves of grief or sadness that will overcome you - like a gust of strong wind, they will take your breath away and often knock you down.. Some of the "grief triggers" we can anticipate and get ready for, such as during the holidays, your child's birthday or the anniversary of their death or other important events in their lives - but the ones that are even more difficult in the years ahead, are those that are triggered by a memory when we least expect them.. seeing a child swinging in the playground, hearing a child singing; maybe it's a song - a smell - or watching a boat on the ocean, or seeing another family member with tears in their eyes - yes these can be the most powerful of "grief triggers".

Here i am 40+ years since the death of my two little girls, Randee & Robin who died in 1971 and 1972 - yet there are still times, when I see a young mom pushing a front facing stroller with a bright eyed little girl, or during the wedding events for two of my sons, or the births of my grandchildren, that those "grief trigger" waves have returned full force, catching me off guard and I have found myself crying and overwhelmed with the "what should have beens"... and that is OK...

By knowing in advance that these "grief triggers" are going to happen, even many years after the death of your child, you will learn that it is alright to be sad as you remember, but you will also find it easier to turn that sadness into a peaceful, happy memory and be grateful for what you had and for the memory of them-no matter how brief; that is acceptance of your new normal and when you will realize you have found peace for yourself and the wonderful memories of your child.

~ by Cherie Houston

To My Dearest Family - Poem

TO MY DEAREST FAMILY:

Some things I'd like to say
but first of all to let you know
that I arrived okay

I'm writing this from Heaven
where I dwell with God above
where there's no more tears
or sadness there, is just eternal love

Please do not be unhappy
just because I'm out of sight
remember that I'm with you
every morning, noon and night

That day I had to leave you
when my life on Earth was through
God picked me up and hugged me
and He said I welcome you

It's good to have you back again
you were missed while you were gone
as for your dearest family
they'll be here later on

I need you here so badly
as part of My big plan
there's so much that we have to do
to help our mortal man

Then God gave me a list of things
He wished for me to do
and foremost on that list of mine
is to watch and care for you

And I will be beside you
every day and week and year
and when you're sad, I'm standing there
to wipe away the tear

And when you lie in bed at night
the days chores put to flight
God and I are closest to you
in the middle of the night

When you think of my life on Earth
and all those loving years
because you're only human
they are bound to bring you tears

But do not be afraid to cry
it does relieve the pain
remember there would be no flowers
unless there was some rain

I wish that I could tell you
of all that God has planned
but if I were to tell you
you wouldn't understand

But one thing is for certain
though my life on Earth is o're
I am closer to you now
than I ever was before

And to my very many friends
trust God knows what is best
I'm still not far away from you
I'm just beyond the crest

There are rocky roads ahead of you
and many hills to climb
but together we can do it
taking one day at a time

It was always my philosophy
and I'd like it for you too
that as you give unto the World
so the World will give to you

If you can help somebody
who is in sorrow or in pain
then you can say to God at night
my day was not in vain

And now I am contented
that my life it was worthwhile
knowing as I passed along the way
I made somebody smile

So if you meet somebody
who is down and feeling low
just lend a hand to pick him up
as on your way you go

When you are walking down the street
and you've got me on your mind
I'm walking in your footsteps
only half a step behind

And when you feel the gentle breeze
or the wind upon your face
that's me giving you a great big hug
or just a soft embrace

And when it's time for you to go
from that body to be free
remember you're not going
you are coming here to me

And I will always love you
from that land way up above
Will be in touch again soon
P.S. God sends His Love

--Author Unknown

Moving Forward, a Tip from GriefShare

Moving forward is certainly not easy, but it is something that is necessary after this devastating loss of our children. There is no doubt that moving forward takes time; it is not something that happens in those first days, weeks, months or even during that first year - when you know in advance it's going to take time - you can give yourself the permission you need to mourn and grieve. But eventually "moving forward" is as necessary as breathing if we are to survive and thrive after this terrible loss of our child.. This topic was covered quite directly recently in two of the daily emails I received from “griefshare”.

GriefShare is something I joined shortly after my son Bob died in 2009 and I am now in my second year of receiving their daily emails – it’s always amazing to me how they seem to hit home and speak to me on certain subjects exactly when I need them… Check them out – it’s easy to subscribe and just another little thing that helps remind me that my grief and how I’m feeling is normal and we all need that reassurance… We all have those days when we believe without a doubt that we are going crazy, but we aren't.. We are simply mom’s whose children have died and we are hurting beyond belief… Cherie Houston

This is a combination of 2 emails that reminded me again about “moving forward”…

To move on means (1) you have to acknowledge that things will never be the same again, and (2) you have to redefine and adjust to God's plan for your life now. Letting go of a lost loved one is tough, especially when the love is deep, and he or she has filled a need in you that was never filled until you met that person (this is especially true when it is our own child).

"To really admit to yourself, 'This person is gone, and life's got to go on, and I've got to buck up and turn the corner and get going,' is probably one of the toughest transitions in the grief process," says Dr. Joseph Stowell

It would be dangerous to drive down the street if your attention were focused solely on the rear view mirror, looking at what is behind. Grief tends to make you look to the past, to what you lost. The pain of that loss, it's true, will be with you forever, but to move on, you must focus on the future as well as on the past.

"You can either stay in that grief, or you can move on. But you will move on with the grief," says Linda, whose baby was stillborn. "You always have that, and you can't expect that one day you won't ever feel sorry that you lost a loved one. That will always be part of you."

Yes - just as we would wish for our family to "move forward" when it is our turn to make that final trip home, I believe with all my heart that "moving forward" is what our children who have died before us, would want for each of us and all whom they love. They would certainly not want us to be stuck in the horrible pain that grief brings, but instead celebrating and enjoying all that life has to offer and taking their memories with us along for the ride...

For more information or to join GriefShare and receive their daily emails, go to:
http://www.griefshare.org/

Elements of Healing

Grief can often act like quick sand, pulling us down little by little - and from time to time we feel as though we are beginning to suffocate-can't catch our breath.. Yes, Grief is "so all consuming" - being numb is all we can feel and we often find in those first few weeks, months and even years that we don't seem to have the mental or physical ability to change that sinking feeling... But we do ..

Moving forward is never about forgetting - it's about living again and appreciating all that surrounds us and saying thank you for who and what our child was.. Eventually we realize that the old adage is so very true: "it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" - yes we are thankful we had our child even if it were only for a few short months in the womb and never met them - or were blessed to have them in our lives for longer......

Healing and Moving forward - happens so very gradually. But you will know when you are beginning to heal and moving forward, when you are beginning to feel "alive again" when these elements begin to ease their way into your life - not all at once - but little, by little..

• Try to remember, try not to forget


• Good memories (I remember when…..stories) are very important


• Time can result in either healing or infection


• You need support from both inside and outside your family


• Faith – prayer – community of faith: where would you turn without them?


• Learning about the experiences of others gives insight into your own story


• Assume whatever you are going through is normal



• Be sensitive to the fact that people grieve differently



• Share the pain of your darkness



• Sharing with those who’ve been there has a special meaning



• Feel free to protest the WHY of death



• Take time and space for yourself; work through any guilt you feel in taking this time



• Take time to laugh and take time to cry



• Take the initiative and make things happen for yourself: work, activity, exercise.



• Life never will be like it was before



• You’ll need to create a new life, make new choices, and develop new friendships



• Reach out and help others. Beware of dwelling ONLY on yourself



• Confront guilt by realizing you did the best you could



• You must realize your loved one has died. He or she is not ‘just away.’



• Through dreams, visions and other means, it’s possible to experience the comforting and reassuring presence of your loved one



• Don’t be afraid to ask God (and your child) for a sign



• There’s nothing wrong with talking to your loved one



• People who’ve been down the road before you can be symbols of Hope for you



• Your experience of death may cause others to make significant changes for the better in their lives and relationships.
  

Special Prayer Request for Lisa Van Ella and family

Special Prayer Request for Lisa Van Ella and family. Today (July 2nd) Lisa's sister Lori and husband Rick lost their youngest child (10 year old Karissa) who was killed in an ATV accident. Lisa's son Wyatt flew back to Indiana to spend 3 weeks with his Aunt Lori, so he's present there for this sad tragedy.

Prayers are needed for Lisa as she flys to be with her sister Lori and family...

“God, bring comfort and peace to Lori & Rick and their families, who have lost their precious child Karissa in death. We come to you, God because we know that you are acquainted with grief, that you too have endured the loss of a child and that you can and will empathize.

We can’t help but ask, “Why?” Forgive our insistence, our confusion, even our anger. We believe that you are just, and we ache to understand how this tragic death is an expression of that justice, how it expresses your love. We also know – in our minds at least – that you seldom answer the “why?” question. We press you, but on these matters you are mostly silent.

What we ask instead is “how?” How can we endure this horrific loss. How can this bring us together and not tear us apart? How can we now live under the shadow of this untimely death? Answer this prayer with your comfort and guidance.

There is no way to remove the pain. The grief is real. The only sanity is to know, to believe, in a life beyond with you, when all the scales are righted and the sufferings are made good. We trust you and your promise that while this child’s life on earth is done, her life beyond has just begun. With that release we lose her and let her go into your arms, then by faith receive in return the boundless comfort of your presence. That is all, that is enough.

Please God give this family the strength they will need in the coming hours, days, weeks, months and years ahead... We ask this in your name, Amen.