Grief is like a roller coaster ride...

~ by Cherie Houston

Each summer my husband Dan and I take our "8" young grandchildren to an amusement park for the day. Monday this week when I was waiting for them to experience the “untamed" a new roller coaster ride at their favorite park in New Hampshire, I made the comparison that our grief is just like that untamed beast of a roller coaster ride…

Over the years I’ve heard people refer to the “various stages of grief” that we must all go through on this journey through grief. When our first daughter died in 1971 within hours of being born, I can remember praying that I would just hurry up and get through the grief stages the funeral director had told me about, so that maybe I would feel better and would stop crying... Boy was I wrong… first of all – although the professionals have identified what the various stages are – they can’t tell us when we’ll go through each stage and they certainly can’t tell us how long each stage will last (and how many times we’ll go through each one)… You’ve heard of the “stages”…if not let me introduce them to you…

Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”

Anger: “How could they do this”; “Why is this happening?; Who is to blame?”

Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I promise to ____.”

Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything - I can't go on - the pain is overwhelming.”

Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

Having gone through the deaths of my 3 children and several very close family members, I’ve decided that for me, my grief journeys have certainly been much more like that incredible roller coaster ride my grandkids just took - wild and unpredictable and each following a different pattern than the one before…(and I should mention that I totally dislike roller coaster rides)…

First, Grief, like a roller coaster, has countless ups & downs, highs & lows - each time you catch your breath and have a few good moments, WHAM there’s another totally unexpected twist or turn and you spiral - sometimes totally upside down.. Just like the "untamed" it seems as though we are simply going "up" as we enjoy the time preceeding the loss - yes the exhilaration of that part of the ride is exciting, wonderful and feels so very good and then when the death occurs - we plunge down - so quickly and feel as though the drop will never end, believing we too will die - but we don't and won't.

Second, Grief, like a roller coaster, tends to very frightening in the beginning - one moment life is great, you are on a high and then, just like the beginning of this "untamed" ride the bottom seems to fall out, death strikes and youdrop into an abyss-scared and you can't seem to catch your breath and it feels as though it's never going to end... But with time, those difficult periods seem to become less intense and shorter as time goes by…As I’ve said before when I’ve talked about moving forward and grief triggers, even many years after our child death, special events such as a family wedding or the birth of a child or grandchild, can create unexpected strong senses of renewed grief…

When our grand kids got off the ride – their emotions were over the place - scared, excited, sad, feeling a little sick to their stomach’s, one even fought back tears – but what was obvious to me is that they’d do it all over again… And I thought to myself, so wouldn’t I – as rough as the Grief Roller Caster ride is, I wouldn’t trade for a moment the time I had with my 3 children or family members who’ve died just to avoid the terrible way I felt when they did die...

So, as much as I dislike roller coaster rides and this journey through grief, they make me appreciate the exhilaration of the highs I had with each and every one of them while we were on the ride together…