Surviving the Holidays While Grieving

Alright - Thanksgiving is over and hopefully it was not as difficult as you imagined. For many though, the worst of the holiday season is yet to come and yes, like it or not, December 1^st is just a few days away.. That means Hanukkah, Christmas and New Years are fast approaching and we can’t stop them.. Know that no matter how hard this seems, you will get through the holidays and the more you prepare yourself and decide what you can and can’t do, the easier it will be.  Be patient with yourself and others, and there is nothing wrong with saying NO.. Cherie Houston

Surviving the Holidays While Grieving

~ By Roslyn Romeny Reynolds

The house lights are twinkling, Christmas trees glimmer out of every front window, and joyous music fills the air, but your heart seems immune to the joy. As much as you want to, you can't feel the happiness this season used to bring. All you feel is--alone. The holidays usually bring family gatherings, hours spent choosing and wrapping special gifts for loved ones, and a wonderful feeling of good will and happiness.

Yet, for one who has lost a loved one, the holidays can be one of the darkest times of the year. It can be painful to remember the special together times the holidays used to bring--and to realize that it will never be that way again.

It can be painful to see others still with their loved ones, to watch as they hold hands, or sit snuggled into each other, and to be reminded yet again that you are alone. Even the good memories can be painful. Each memory can awaken the dull ache in the chest and open the floodgates as tears flow yet again. The sweetness of the memories is in sharp contrast to the emptiness of now.

Others may try to help us by including us in their festivities, but we may not feel 'up' to joining in the celebrations. It's okay to say, "No thanks" if the thought of being at a holiday party turns your stomach. The time will come when you look forward to the chance to go out. Allow yourself to be where you are in your grieving process.

What can we do to lessen the pain, and to increase our ability to feel peace in this, the Season of Peace?

First, realize that it is normal to feel down during the holidays when you've lost a loved one. Don't berate yourself. If you're having a 'down' day, accept it as 'normal', but also admit that tomorrow holds the possibility of being a better day.

Second, reach out. Find someone you can talk to, someone who understands what you're going through, and visit. Share what helps you each get through hard times, and you'll both come away stronger. One woman suggested finding a joke, the cornier the better, to share each week. That way her spirits are lifted, and she brings a smile to the people she shares with, too.

Third, decide that this holiday season, you're going to give yourself a gift. It can be something tangible, that you wrap and put under the tree, or a new idea or habit you are going to implement that will improve your quality of life. Do one thing for yourself that will bring a smile to your face!

Fourth, determine to read uplifting literature this month. The words we read have a great effect upon us, so we are wise to fill our minds with the greatest words ever written. Of course, scripture fits the season perfectly, but in addition, there are hundreds of great books that attest to the potential and actual goodness of humanity. Read something heartwarming, and be lifted! (Of course, one to include each December is Dickens' A Christmas Carol. Better than any movie ever made of it, the book is sure to have you smiling as you read the last line!)

Lastly, find a way to lift someone else. The Christmas celebrations originated, after all, honoring the birth of One who gave His whole life for others. It could be a good deed done anonymously, or you could simply spend time with someone who is lonely or down. It's a generally accepted fact that a sure way to forget your own troubles is to help someone else to forget theirs, if only for a few minutes.

The holidays can be a painful reminder of all that is wrong in our lives. On the other hand, we can do our best to see them as a time to celebrate the Goodness that came into the world two thousand years ago--and to spread some of that goodness through our own life and to all those we come in contact with.

Roslyn Romney Reynolds wrote SOLO - Getting It All Together When You Find Yourself Alone after her husband drowned while on an outing with their three youngest children. She has since interviewed women from many parts of the country who've endured loss and gleaned seven essentials to help move through the grieving process and on to hope and healing after tragic loss.

Her book is available at http://www.roslynreynolds.com/.

Her blog is found at http://www.sistersinhope.com/.

Poem - "Angels in Heaven"

Angels in Heaven

~ By Tammy L. Tobac 1993 (TCF)

We have angels in heaven
Who look down on us here
while the world all around us says
"Be of good cheer!"

Everyone else is bustling about
We simply watch it go by, yet we just want to shout~
Don't you know it's not merry at this time of year,
when our lives feel so empty and our eyes fill with tears.

We can't bear the thought of another holiday
without our precious loved one who was taken away.

But your child's spirit does live on,
though their physical being may be gone.

Look around and you will see
their soul lives on in your memory.

You'll see your child's eyes so bright
In every twinkling Christmas light.

There are angels in heaven, Who look down on us here
And they are trying to tell us, Don't worry we're near!

We love you and miss you, we'll never be far...
Just look to the sky and the bright Christmas star.

Take a special moment throughout these blessed days
to remember me in the kindest of ways...
Give my smile to a person, who needs it like you,
and my spirit will live on through the things that you do.

This was written by Tammy L. Tobac, 1993, who wrote this for the Compassionate Friends Holiday Candlelighting Ceremony – held throughout the world during the holiday season on the 2^nd Sunday in December for all who have suffered the loss of a child.

Our 5th Annual Retreat - Feb. 24-26th, 2012

Just a reminder to all that our 5th Annual Retreat is just 3 months away.. We will be discussing this more in the weeks to come and we want to be sure that there is a spot reserved for everyone who wants to join us... Ask anyone who has attended prior retreats and they will tell you why they always return... it is wonderful experience in every respect..

OUR 5TH ANNUAL 2012 JOURNEY TO JOY RETREAT

Please Join Us..

• When: 2012 - Friday, Feb 24th at 3pm until Sunday, Feb. 26th at 12N
• Where: Stagecoach Trails Guest Ranch, 19985 S. Doc Holiday Rd, Yucca, AZ 86438 http://www.stgr.com/
• Cost: $175.00 for weekend, which includes 2 nights lodging, meals and all materials
• Balance: Must be paid in full no later than Jan. 15TH, 2012
• Checks: Please make checks payable to: "A Journey to JOY," and mailed to:

"A Journey to JOY"

Attn.: Debbie

P.O. Box 980, LHC, AZ 86405

Questions: please contact Joyce Floyd - texaslady@rraz.net

Registration forms are available at the weekly meetings or email us and we will gladly email or mail you the forms... Remember, space is limited so reserve your spot now...

We are grateful that each and every mom participating in this weekend agrees to take part in all the events planned, including the presentation by our special guest and the Candlelight Ceremony, so that together we can continue on our journey....

Unanimously we agree this is a great spot for rest & relaxation, but this wonderful spot is chosen for our annual retreat, not as a spa weekend, but a special place of healing for moms wanting to partake in all that is offered to help them on their special journey to joy..

Prayer for a peace filled Thanksgiving Holiday

Since my son Bobby's death in 2009, Thanksgiving Dinner is very difficult. I want to share my goal this year as I/we sit down for Thanksgiving Dinner.. Despite the tragic loss of our child or children, maybe this year, we can find the strength to focus on the blessings our children brought into our lives while they were with us, whether our children were lost prior to birth or shortly after, or lost well into adulthood, try to remember the blessed memories they gave us and for this day, try not to focus on our loss of them, but the blessings of their being...

I hope the following prayer will help you thank God and also ask for the strength and courage we all need need during this difficult holiday season and in the months and years ahead as we continue on this journey from mourning to joy.....

From my family to yours, I hope you have a peace filled Thanksgiving - Cherie Houston

Dear Father in Heaven,

As we gather together this Thanksgiving, we thank you for all the blessings you’ve bestowed upon us, you have given us so much to be grateful and thankful for. But you know, this day brings a mix of emotions for all of us gathered here, our hearts are broken and filled with a tremendous emptiness and sadness that the death of our child has brought to us and to our family.

We ask that you give us the strength and courage to dry our inconsolable tears and to instead find joy, peace and happiness in our memories. Please teach us to savor the moments we have with one another, to remember what we have lost, but to see what we still have and to look forward in hope to what is ahead in our futures..

Thank you for being there for us through this terribly painful journey. Although we seem so angry at times, know that we feel your goodness in all the help and support we continue to receive from our wonderful family and friends. Yes, our world is upside down - the order of what we believed life to be is totally out of order, and we are angry that we can’t do anything to right it again. You know and understand our overwhelming pain...

Allow us to be more patient with those around us who don’t know what to stay or do, who stumble and look away when they see us and pretend nothing has happened. Allow us to feel calm and most of all allow us to treasure our memories and find joy in them again.

Yes, thank you Father for all the blessings you’ve bestowed on us and our family, especially for giving us the time with our child, although it was much too brief. Please continue to give us comfort and peace today, through the upcoming holiday season and the days and years ahead. In your name, Amen

Reclaiming Our Joy

~ Linda L. Flatt ~ November 1998

A Basic Plan for Surviving the Holidays After The Loss Of A Loved One

Shortly after my son's suicide in 1993, a wise counselor told me not to let that death take away my joy. At the time, those words fell on deaf ears. But, as the days passed and healing began, his guidance became my mission - to somehow reclaim my joy after experiencing the incomprehensible suicide death of my child.

The powerful and overwhelming emotions that embody the grieving process tend to be magnified during the holidays - a time when memories of our missing loved ones are especially painful. Family gatherings are wearying reminders of the stark reality of our loss. Here are some steps that we can take together to endeavor to recover our God-given joy during a difficult holiday season.

Decide to Prepare: Plan ahead for the pitfalls of holiday bereavement. Educate yourself in the fine art of surviving the holidays and equip yourself for the season. Beware of the expectations of others and choose to get through the holidays YOUR WAY!

Determine to Feel: Give yourself permission to grieve during the holidays instead of "stuffing" or denying your emotions. Resist the urge to "shut down" emotionally until next year. Trust me, the feelings will still be on that shelf on January 1st, and they will, more than likely, be even more powerful and destructive than they were in December.

Commit to Connect: Choose to be around safe, supportive people during the holidays - people who will let you have your grief. Try to stay connected to God at a time when you may want to run in the other directions and isolate yourself to ease your pain. We serve a loving, comforting God and there is great healing in His community and those who love and care about us. Reach out and take the light and love that others offer during the holidays - and, in turn, give whatever you can to those who reach out to you.

Holiday Family Gatherings

Families gather for both sad and happy occasions. Happy times and sad times often bring families closer together.

During the Holidays, just like weddings, graduations families gather to celebrate. During these times, everyone is expected to be happy. Relatives and friends want you to join in as you have in the past. But now, without your child, it is difficult - painful - and in that first year, often impossible..

For many, having family around is healing to have their support; for others these gatherings can be overwhelmingly painful reminders of the child that is and will never again be present.

Yes, family and friends usually provide the most comfort and listen as we try to cope with the loss of our child. But even the closest of relatives and friends cannot completely understand the hurt we feel - Preparing for what is to come can help make these gatherings easier for you...Remember...

Friends and relatives want...

• to take your pain away ...
• to offer you HOPE for better times ...
• to see you "back to normal again" ...
• to help you "forget about what happened."

But try to realize and accept BEFORE the gatherings that...

• no one can take your pain away ...
• there will be better times, but they will be different without your child ...
• your life does not feel like it will ever be "normal" again ...
• your heart is breaking and it's okay to be sad and cry...
• you will never forget your child...

But know that with time, you will find:

• a new normal
• new traditions or modify those you've had in the past
• Joy, although very different, joy will return to your heart again
• and build new memories
• peace and rejoice in the memories of your child…

Remember to be patient with yourself and others...

Announcement: National Survivors of Suicide Day & Heartbeat

For those of you who have lost a child or any family member or friend by suicide, we want to be sure you are aware of HEARTBEAT, a support group that meets the 2nd Wednesday of every momth in Lake Havasu City and the 2nd Tuesday of every month in Kingman (details below)...

In addition to these meetings, they have a special event coming up this Saturday, November 19th, 2011, which is the 13th Annual National Survivors of Suicide Day, which will be held at Cavalry Baptist Church... and as always, if you know of other parents who might find these helpful, please be sure to pass this along to them...

HEARTBEAT/LAKE HAVASU CITY
Meets: LHC Community Center, Room 152
100 Park Ave., LHC
2nd Wednesday of every month, 7-8:30pm ~ October – April

HEARTBEAT/KINGMAN
Meets: First Southern Baptist Church

3120 Hualapai Mountain Road-Kingman
2nd Tuesday of every month, 7-8:30pm ~ October – April

For more information about the bi-monthly meetings or the upcoming 12th Annual National Survivors of Suicide Day, Call: Judy or Dan at (928) 854-0113 OR (928) 208-0129 or email them at jdhoppes@frontiernet.net

13th ANNUAL NATIONAL SURVIVORS OF SUICIDE DAY
November 19, 2011
10:30am-3pm (Lunch provided)
11am: American Foundation for Suicide Prevention Telecast

Presented By: Heartbeat of Lake Havasu

Location: Calvary Baptist Church 1605 McCulloch Blvd S Lake Havasu City, AZ 86406
Fee: None (Donations accepted)
A Memory Board will be available if you would like to bring a picture of your loved one. Please include name, birthdate and date of loss. The picture will be returned to you at the end of the day.

NATIONAL SURVIVORS OF SUICIDE DAY

Every person who dies by suicide leaves behind survivors—loved ones left shocked, grieving and struggling to understand and cope with their heartbreaking loss. Many survivors feel isolated and alone, wondering if anyone understands their pain.

In 1999, United States Senator Harry Reid, a survivor of his own father’s suicide, brought the challenge of coping with suicide loss into the national spotlight by introducing Senate Resolution 99, which declared the Saturday before Thanksgiving “National Survivors of Suicide Day.”

Each year on National Survivors of Suicide Day, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) reaches out to survivors through local survivor conferences held simultaneously in communities throughout the world, which are all linked by a live broadcast. This unique network of healing conferences connects survivors within their own communities and across the globe. For many, National Survivors of Suicide Day is the first time they’ve ever met anyone else who has lost someone to suicide.

The broadcast includes a blend of emotional support and information about resources for healing. “Veteran” survivors and mental health professionals address the questions that so many survivors face: Why did this happen? How do I cope? Where can I find support? Since many survivors also find it helpful to understand something about the science of suicide prevention and bereavement, the program also includes a brief presentation of research highlights by mental health professionals.

HEARTBEAT is a member of the following (websites listed):
The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, A national research organization,
http://www.afsp.org/

The American Association of Suicidology, A national organization dedicated to the study and reduction of human self-destruction. http://www.suicidology.org/

and

Suicide Prevention Action Network http://www.spanusa.org/

10 Tips to Survive the Holidays After Your Child Dies (Part 2 of 2)

As we mentioned on Tuesday, the following tips were published by Patricia Loder, executive director of The Compassionate Friends. “It is difficult for those who have not gone through the death of a child to understand the depth of despair which such a loss brings.” Mrs. Loder, whose two young children died in a car crash in 1991, says there are many tips that can help a grieving family prepare for the holidays - but this list of ten (5 on Tuesday and these remaining 5) are ten suggestions that she has found helpful...

Tips 6 - 10:

6) Surviving children should be included in your plans. They, too, mourn their sibling, but need a normalcy the holidays can provide.

7) If you don’t get everything done you plan, be easy on yourself. Grief is tough work and you should never feel guilty for not getting everything done.

8) If you must shop for others, find a time when the stores are not extremely busy like early morning, order through the Internet, or ask others to shop for you.

9) Participating in a memorial service, such as The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting the second Sunday in December, can be very meaningful. This can be done in a formal service with others or through a short private candle lighting in the privacy of your home.

10) Remember that the fearful anticipation of an approaching holiday is usually worse than the day itself.

“Many people believe they can escape the holidays by leaving home on a vacation,” adds Mrs. Loder. “This rarely helps because grief can never be left behind and it is important to have the support of relatives and friends.

Talking with others who have also lost a child can help those facing grief to understand they are not alone. Others have survived the holidays and they will, too.”

10 Tips to Survive the Holidays After Your Child Dies (Part 1 of 2)

When a child has died, the holidays are a very difficult, stressful time for the family. While others are enjoying the festive atmosphere, bereaved families are faced with the specter of an empty chair at the holiday dinner, and the dilemma of whether to hang their missing child’s stocking. Here are ten tips from an expert, a bereaved parent herself, to help grieving families survive the holidays. Oak Brook, IL (PRWEB) November 14, 2005

With Thanksgiving in ten days, a week from Thursday, and the normally festive holidays around the corner, millions of families throughout the United States that have lost a child are struggling with how they can simply survive to see the new year.

“The stress that bereaved parents, siblings, and grandparents face during the hustle and bustle of the holidays can feel overwhelming,” says Patricia Loder, executive director of The Compassionate Friends (an international self-help organization for bereaved parents and families where more seasoned grievers help support the more newly bereaved). “It is difficult for those who have not gone through the death of a child to understand the depth of despair which such a loss brings.”

Mrs. Loder, whose two young children died in a car crash in 1991, says there are many tips that can help a grieving family prepare for the holidays.

1) Plan ahead. Realize you will not be able to do everything with everyone. Decide what is truly important to you and your family.

2) Don’t be afraid to ask friends for help. Tasks which may normally take little effort can feel overwhelming, whether it’s fixing a meal, cleaning the house, or putting up decorations.

3) No one expects you to string rows and rows of lights just to prove you have the holiday spirit. If you don’t feel up to past efforts, you may simply want to place an electric powered candle in your window in memory of your child.

4) Just because you’ve hosted holiday gatherings in the past doesn’t mean you’re obligated to this year. Others will understand.

5) After a child dies, old traditions are often left behind and new ones that incorporate the child who died can take their place. Honor the memory of your child in unique ways that have meaning to you.

Part 2 will be posted on Thursday, Nov. 17th, 2011

Reminder-This weeks Meeting-Thursday, Nov. 17th

Our meeting this coming Thursday, November 17th, will be a little different - it will be a "Brown Bag Brunch" as we prepare for the Thanksgiving holiday.

We want to remind all moms attending this weeks meeting, 10am-12N, to each bring a "brown bag lunch/brunch and drink" and we will meet in our usual rooms, #153 & #154 at the Lake Havasu City Aquatic center.

This meeting will be more casual than usual, as we enjoy each other's company and our "brunch" visiting and sharing memories of our children. We would encourage everyone attending to bring pictures, a scrap book, memory book, a story, etc. to share about their children.

As always, if you know of a bereaved mom or grandmother, who might benefit from our meeting, please feel free to invite them and bring them with you and always feel free to share our Group/Blog Newsletter with them..

The Holidays Are Coming....

Until January 2nd, we will be focusing our posts on "surviving the holidays" - it's not an easy task, no matter the age of our child or children then they died or how they died - it is a challenge every holiday season, but especially for those moms and grandmothers who are just in the first year of their journey... No, these articles won't change what you are going through, but we hope they will help you find a way to get through them - to know it is OK to say NO to invitations - and that no matter what you are feeling - you are normal and not crazy... Grieving for our children hurts - it is the price we pay for loving them so much, so although we can't change anything for you - know we will be here to support each other and together we will get through the season... Cherie Houston

The Holidays Are Coming....

~ By Mary Cleckley, BP/USA Member

It’s getting to be that time of year. The holidays are almost upon us, as though you haven’t noticed!

Those of you who are approaching your first Thanksgiving, Christmas or Hanukkah without your child are probably already anticipating them without glee. Know that is OK and you are normal.

All of us who have gone through those first of many holidays without our children understand how you feel. I don’t know of any way to avoid that apprehension. It is part of the experience of losing someone you love. I can tell you that the fear of the unknown is one of the worst fears there is. Once you have gone through those special family-oriented times without your child or children, it is an unknown no longer.

In the future, though you may not enjoy them in the same way you once did, at least you know how it feels. You will be able eventually to help yourself and your family discover ways of approaching and observing these days so that they are less traumatic.

I found I got in the worst trouble when I allowed myself to get so far into the future. Worry about this day because this is the only day you have to get through right now., Though you may not think so now, you will once again find something for which to be thankful. It takes time. Be patient. We hope you will find some peace in the weeks ahead.

Veteran's Day Prayer

I want to thank Jan Amarda from Birmingham, Alabama for sending me the following prayer honoring all of our veterans...

VETERAN’S DAY PRAYER
By Joanna Fuchs

Dear Lord, Today we honor our veterans,
worthy men and women who gave their best
when they were called upon
to serve and protect their country.

We pray that you will bless them, Lord,
for their unselfish service in the continual struggle
to preserve our freedoms, our safety,
and our country’s heritage, for all of us.

Bless them abundantly for the hardships they faced,
for the sacrifices they made
for their many different contributions
to America’s victories over tyranny and oppression.

We respect them, we thank them,
we honor them, we are proud of them,
and we pray that you will watch over these special people
and bless them with peace and happiness.

Amen.

How to Survive Burying Your Child

I am always so grateful when we receive articles from other moms, grandmothers and parents who have journeyed this road before us ... A dad, David Piedmont, sent me this saying that it truly helped him and his wife - they received it sometime ago when their 22 year old son died and he thought it might help other parents as it did them... He siad there was no indication as to the author, so I apologize that I'm not able to give credit to whomever wrote it, but we do thank you - and we want thank David for sharing it... Cherie Houston

Burying our child cuts to the soul - We as parents know that someday our children will have to have a funeral service or memorial service for us. That's how we somehow assumed life should be. That isn't how it always is. Children (whether Babies or Adult children) often times die before us, leaving us shell-shocked and empty.

There is no one way to survive a child's death. Everyone of us was given a unique personality, and trying to live up to an image of what you think others think you should be feeling will not work. There are so many stages to grief. The shock of the news that your child has died, is God's way of insolating us for the months or years to come

I personally lingered in the valley of the shadow of death much longer than my husband did. He had to get up 3 days after her funeral and go back to work; he wasn't given time to grieve like I was, because He felt he had to be strong for me. How I survived was like the AA's moto, live one day at a time, although I must admit sometimes it was all I could do to live one moment. Survival is a personal soul and gut wrenching process

Do not expect too much of yourself for the first year or two or maybe even longer. People around you will be uncomfortable and not know how to react or act. Should they bring up your childs name? Should they ask how you are? Should they act as if nothing happened? It was so devastating that there were many times I can't believe I've lived through it all and sometimes I wonder why I did.. The excruciating pain stayed with me for many months. My duaghter was 8 months old when she died, yet her death -her very short life here on earth, has profoundly affected me more in my lifetime than any other event to happen since..

Talk to your child..I spent hours at her gravesite talking to a tombstone. I felt solace there. I understand now, that my survival mode is different than yours may be. All I know, is that 30 years later, I am still here, with the same husband who shares the same tie to the same little girl, who we both wonder about and on occasion have our moments of grief

Keep some things for yourself for the years to come. Maybe their baby book which you can look at from time to time to acknowledge their existence. I keep a copy of her obituary tucked away in my Bible, not to look at and be sad, but as a reminder of how far we have come, and how thankful we are that she was born

Talk to others who have experienced a similar grief – no their circumstances won’t be the same as yours – nor yours theirs, but often times this will help you to know you can and will survive – it will help you to know that what you are feeling is totally normal – no matter the circumstances there is no one way to grieve – there is no set time limit on what is “normal” but having someone else hold your hand who has journeyed this same road can be powerful in allowing you to grieve in your own way…

Adapting to the loss of a loved one

~ by Wendy Bridger

Have you ever sat down and played a piano where one of the keys wasn't working? Or made cookies and left out an ingredient? Perhaps you've started listening to a favorite CD, and just when it gets to your favorite part of your favorite song, you realize that there is a scratch in it.

In some ways, losing a loved one is similar. Here you are going easily through life, and then, BAM, they are gone and life will never be the same. That piano piece sounds different because the middle C is broken, the cookies just aren't the same, and at times, we are frustrated like we are when our CD gets scratched.

Unfortunately, with the loss of a loved one, it is more difficult to fix than the piano or the batch of cookies, and your loved one was irreplaceable, unlike the CD. Short and simple, this is what grieving is: learning to cope with the loss of someone who was apart of what made us what we are. So, what do we do? How do we go on after they are gone? I have a few suggestions that might help you through.

First of all, just as each of us has different personalities, each of us grieves in a different way. There is no right or wrong way to feel or act, as long as you are not endangering yourself or others. Some of us cry. Others of us bury ourselves in work or hobbies. If the person is still living and only the relationship has changed, it is very easy for us to do all we can to change things back to how they used to be. At times, it may take a while to truly even admit that they are gone. We just might feel numb. Some of us might even feel guilty if we don't feel sad enough! So, take your feelings and actions for what they are and be patient with yourself. After all, you have just lost a part of what makes you who you are.

Also, find a way to transition your loved one into your new life¹. My father in law lost his dad last year and he hung a picture of him up in the living room to remember him. Others write goodbye letters to their loved one, giving themselves a chance to tell them things that they never got to say. Some of us keep a little box full of pictures and memories only to be taken out when we want to remember them, because remembering them all the time would be too overwhelming. I had a friend who's little brother died. She got married on his birthday as a way to include him at her wedding. Once again, it depends on you and your relationship with the one you loved. For instance, burning every picture you had of an ex-boyfriend might be the perfect way to transition.

Another thing, you usually don't ever "get over it." Your loved one is gone. If you no longer have an ingredient to make cookies, it's easy to realize that replacing it with a different ingredient would not make the cookies start tasting like they used to. To expect that you will be able to replace your loved one is also unrealistic. This reality may sound even more depressing. Frankly, I love chocolate chip cookies, and the idea of not ever having one again is quite upsetting! But in time, if I had to, I could grow to love other sweets, like banana bread, sweet potato pie, or brownies. So, even if you aren't going to get over it, in time, you will adapt to the loss and find fulfillment through other experiences and relationships.

So, be patient with yourself. Losing someone isn't easy. It turns your life upside down. Naturally, it's going to take a while to pick up the pieces and transition to life without your loved one. Remember, Beethoven composed some beautiful music after losing his hearing, and you will find happiness and fulfillment again in your life after losing your loved one.

¹Wordern, J.W. (1991). Grief Counseling & Grief Therapy: A guidebook for the Mental Health Practitioner. Springer Publishing

Remember & Honor Your Children Today

Since my first child, Randee Marie died in March 1971, the most common fear I've heard repeatedly from moms (and dads) of children who have died, is the fear that their child will be forgotten.. That thought is almost as unbearable as the actual loss of the child... It’s important to us, that our child, no matter their age, never be forgotten..

The images I'd seen growing up of "The Day of the Dead" celebrations used to make me squeamish!!! But now that I understand the celebrations and reasons for them, I'm in awe and have a new respect for these special days - Yes, now that I know their intent is to honor and remember our family members who have died, I'm appreciative of this wonderful reason to celebrate. Imagine, a whole day when we are encouraged to speak our child or children's names, to talk of them and all that they meant to us - yes to celebrate them!!... So if you, like me, don't understand very much about this tradition, I hope you'll allow me to share what I've learned...

I was raised Catholic, so I knew that in most countries with a Roman Catholic heritage, All Saints Day and All Souls Day were religious holidays, days when we went to mass and silently said a prayer for those who had died. I was truly surprised to learn that in many countries, these "holy days" are truly celebrated - people actually take the day off work, go to cemeteries with candles and flowers, and give presents to children, usually sweets and toys and spend the entire day remembering those who have died.. Until I began researching the "Day of the Dead" and "All Souls Day", I didn’t realize that many, if not most, cultures around the world have a specific day set aside to visit the graves of deceased family members and their traditions often include celebrations, food and beverages, in addition to their open prayers and remembrances of the departed.

We all know that death is a part of life, it is something none of us can or will avoid; we will each lose family members and friends - then why is it, that so many people seem to avoid any aspect of the subject of death, never mind actually talking about a specific family member who has died.. And if you want to see real panic – mention your child who has died?? Is it me – why is it if I mention the names of any of my children who have died, panic seems to set in to those aound me.. they have funny looks on their faces? Do you get that same reaction?

There are times when I've mentioned that I’ve had children who have died, I immediately feel the chill!! And I know that most of those around me, hope I will quickly change the subject to the weather, sports or even the latest tabloid headline... anything - just change the subject!!!

So maybe that is why “The Day of the Dead” celebrations in Mexico, Latin and South America began to intrigue me... Did you know by the way that these celebrations, intended to celebrate and honor family members who have died, have gone on for as long as 2,500–3,000 years.

Did you know that typically November 1st (“Day of the Innocents” or “Day of the Little Angels”) honors children and infants; whereas deceased adults are honored on November 2nd, similar in the same Christian culture as All Souls Day.

During this time family and friends go to cemeteries to be with the souls of the departed, here or at home they will build private altars containing the favorite foods and beverages as well as photos and memorabilia of the departed, flowers and other gifts. They hope to encourage visits by the souls and they are anxious for the souls to hear the prayers, praise, comments and memories of the living directed to those who have died. How wonderful that some celebrations will take a humorous tone, as the living remember funny events and anecdotes about the departed.

These traditions vary in different regions, but almost all have different traditions for children who have died, verus adults. Typically on November 1st of the year after a child's death, the godparents set a table in the parents' home with sweets, fruits, pan de muerto, a cross, a rosary (used to ask the Virgin Mary to pray for them) and candles. This is meant to celebrate the child's life, in respect and appreciation for the parents. There is also dancing with colorful costumes, often with skull-shaped masks and devil masks in the plaza or garden of the town - then at midnight on November 2, the people light candles and if there is a lake or river near by, they wil sail winged boats called mariposas (Spanish for "butterflies") to the other side, to honor and celebrate the lives of their children...

In many American communities – especially Texas, Arizona and throughout the southwest where Mexican influence is very strong, Day of the Dead or All Souls Celebrations are held and they are very similar to those held in Mexico. As varied as the traditions may be - remembering those who have gone before them is the main focus. Yes they may build alters in their homes and burn candles; they might brightly decorate their loved ones place of rest; they always share memories of those who are gone; many will march together wearing masks and carrying signs honoring their dead; some may carry an urn in which people can place slips of paper with prayers on them to be burned for the souls for the dead – but the one thing they will do, this year and for years to come, that warms my heart, is to remember those who have gone before them – remember them and honor them...

Personally, I think that the “Day of the Dead” or “All Souls Day” should be a world-wide celebration – a day when we can openly celebrate and remember those who have gone before us.. Because to me, and for all of us who remain behind, knowing that our children and all family members, will always be remembered in the future, is a very comforting and peaceful thought...

So today, I will remember my children: Randee Marie, Robin Marie, and Bobby Wood and I will also remember your children - I will light a candle and keep it burning today in memory of all our children. I will rejoice in what they meant to each of us and celebrate that they were part of our lives and responsible for making us who and what we are today.. Yes today and for years to come, I will celebrate "Day of the Dead" and "All Souls Day" as it should be celebrated as a day of honor and remembrance... Cherie Houston