I Will Be There Mom..

I WILL BE THERE

~ By Sharon J. Bryant

Mom, tomorrow I will be there
Though you may not see
I'll smile and remember
The last Christmas, with you and me

Don't be sad mom
I'm never far away
Your heart has hidden sight
My memory will always stay

I watched as you touched the ornaments
Sometimes a tear was shed as you did
I touched you gently on your shoulder
And on tiptoes I proudly stood

I'm only gone for a little while mom
I'm waiting for the day to be
When God calls out your name mom
We'll be together, just you wait and see

But until that time comes
Carry on as you did when I was there
I tell the angels how much I love you
There are angels here everywhere!

I stand behind you some days
When I know that you are sad
I want you to be happy mom
It would make my heart so glad

So on this Christmas Eve, Mom
Think of me as I will be thinking of you
And touch that special ornament
That I once made for you

I love you mom and dad, also
I know you know I do
And I'll be waiting here for you
When your earthly life is through

Love, Your child in Heaven

We wish you peace this season...

Hanukkah is almost over and Christmas is less than two weeks away - and whether we like it or not - the season of holidays will occur, no matter how we feel or how much our hearts are broken....

There is no doubt - the death of our children changes us forever and no matter what you've read or been told, I believe that our grieving for them will last until we join them.

But, despite our heartache, life does go on, with or without us, and for those left behind ~ our other children and family members, and ourselves & it would be even sadder for us not to find joy and peace again.

It's okay and normal to feel as we do as we grieve (and we all know the way we feel changes in a blink of any eye on this journey from mourning to joy), but between those moments of overwhelming sadness, keep a watchful eye out for that little flicker of peace and joy, that if you welcome and allow it, it will continue to grow; I wish you can find a little peace this holiday season and know and believe that joy is possible again, how could it not be..

We were blessed and given the wonderful privilege of having these children in our lives – be it for the days and weeks when we carried them, or the few moments, days or months after their birth, or for those of us who were blessed to have them for years (even though no matter how many-we all feel it was too few) until their deaths; what incredible gifts we received from them.

So from one grieving heart to another, and in memory and celebration of our children who are no longer with us in body; I wish that we all will find peace, joy and happiness again in all that surrounds us and our families, this holiday season and know without doubt that they are with us in spirit.. 

From  Cherie Houston, Joyce Floyd and all the moms who are on this Journey from Mourning to Joy...

The Holiday Army

~ by Andrea Gambill

Here it comes again — the Holiday Army — in its annual march against us. Some of its generals are called "Thanksgiving," "Christmas," "Hanukah," "New Year’s Eve" and "New Year’s Day." They are no respecters of the heartbroken and emotionally wounded, and their troops are merciless. They take no prisoners! They demand that we participate in their joy and nostalgia or they will mow us down with their militant tanks of holiday spirit.

Actually, we wish them well. All we really want is for them to leave us alone and let us mourn in peace and quiet. We prefer our “Silent Nights” to their “Deck the Halls” and Jingle Bells.” We don’t intentionally spoil their fun, it’s just that our pain makes them uncomfortable. They’ve been conditioned to believe that “The Holiday Season” should have no blemish of suffering or lack of frivolity. We must not only bandage our wounds while in their presence, but cover them with taffeta and sequins besides. They are convinced that all we need is to “put on a happy face” and all our sorrows will magically evaporate.

In their mad pursuit of happiness, they shoot us with the bullets of shopping, piped-in music, special holiday foods and fragrances, gift wrapping, decorations (especially the angels!), joyous children with happy smiles, cards, invitations, parties and gift exchanges. Any other time of the year, snow is considered a nuisance to shovel and plow through. At the holiday season, though, it is touted as romantic and is linked to sleighs and starry nights in front of fireplaces, snuggled close to those we love.

The most devastating bombs they drop into our lives are the images of reunion — times of greeting and hugging folks who are much loved and sometimes not often seen for awhile. They may only be separated by geography; our absent loved ones cannot cross the chasm of loss that looms before our tear-filled eyes. They remind us of things we should be thankful for (and we are more thankful for many of those things than they can ever imagine). They prod us with their spears of delightful togetherness, never realizing that what they celebrate is what we cannot now enjoy. We would not dream of attacking them in these battles for holiday survival. With our noses pressed against the glass that divides us, we actually long to be able to be part of their happiness. We remember the times we joined in their fun and we, too, were part of their army of nostalgia and joy.

Our broken hearts and bleeding wounds do not excuse us from being gracious, however. While grief does not give us permission to be rude and selfish, and we take no overt action against their aggression, we are not without defenses in these battles. We can shield ourselves with the armor of dignity with kind but direct and simple explanations: “We understand your need for celebration, but this year we prefer quiet and private reflection and meditation.” “Right now it’s hard for us to function in large groups and to appreciate laughter and high spirits.” “Our energy is so limited; we’d appreciate some quiet one-on-one time with you in a more spiritual atmosphere.”

We can gently remind them of how important it is for us to remember those we love who are gone. These are statements that clarify our position without judging or criticizing them for theirs. In kind and non-threatening ways, we need to tell them what’s good for us, because they won’t think of it on their own, and they can use the education.

We also can exercise the muscles of our sense of humor. It will take some effort on our part, but so does anything that is worthwhile and good for us. We can teach ourselves not to fall into the trap of thinking that our grief makes us the center of the universe. We can limit our demands that others treat us in “special” and “deferential” ways because of our pain. We can cut them a little slack and remember that once upon a time, we were just like they are now. It’s good and healthy for us to review our perspectives now and then and decide if we’re being fair and reasonable.

We can express our love in simple and unhurried ways without all the frenetic, expensive and often hysterical hype that the holidays can generate. And we must exercise the expression of our love. Grief does not rob us of our ability to love; it reminds us ever more dramatically of our need to both give and receive love while we are here.

Whenever we can take some control in our situations, we empower ourselves, and then we feel less like victims in what seems like a war of “peace on earth, goodwill toward men.” Anytime we can educate and inform with mercy and compassion, we have given a truly spiritual holiday gift of love that will keep on giving forever.

May your season be filled with genuine blessings of peace.

The holidays will never be the same, but....

~ Excert from Susan Apollon’s book, Touched by the Extraordinary, Book Two: Healing Stories of Love, Loss & Hope

"The holidays will never be the same again," she says. "That is true. But life is change, by its very nature. Little by little you will form a new identity and learn to connect with your lost loved one in a different way. You'll form new memories and new traditions. Grieving well can lead to spiritual growth, which means that life itself can become richer and fuller after a profound loss. You'll never forget the person you lost, but you will find joy—even holiday joy—again."

Realize that miracles really do happen at the holidays. Here's the thing about the holidays, says Apollon. They really are magic. You knew this as a child but may have forgotten it. But spiritual occasions like holidays allow us to step outside the box we live in most of the time and let miracles in.

"Paradoxical as it sounds, grief and holidays are a lot alike," she reflects. "They both help us detach from trivial things and focus on what's important, what's real. Open your mind and heart this year and see what happens. Maybe you'll feel a sense of connection with your loved one who passed on, or maybe you'll feel joy for the first time since your loss. Either one might qualify as a miracle."

"It's healthier to feel the sadness and loss than to detach yourself from it," she says. "It's right and normal to grieve; just don't make it the dominant part of who you are."

Remember, says Apollon, the holidays won't always be such a struggle. If you work through your grief instead of repressing it, you'll find joy again.

I Will Be There (Tomorrow) Mom...

In the past I've posted this poem the day before Christmas - Christmas Eve.  But I know myself, I need to be reminded of this throughout the month of December and quite honestly throughout the entire holiday season from Halloween until after New Year's Day...

So, I want to share this with you early this year on the night before Hanukkah because it applies to all moms, no matter your religious persuasion, ( I'll post it again Christmas Eve), in the hopes that it will remind you, as it does me, that your child(or children) are with you - maybe not in body as we'd wish, but with us nonetheless...  I pray this helps to give you a little more strength and peace this holiday season - Lots of hugs and love.... Cherie Houston

I WILL BE THERE

Sharon J. Bryant

Mom, tomorrow I will be there
Though you may not see
I'll smile and remember
The last Christmas, with you and me

Don't be sad mom
I'm never far away
Your heart has hidden sight
My memory will always stay

I watched as you touched the ornaments
Sometimes a tear was shed as you did
I touched you gently on your shoulder
And on tiptoes I proudly stood

I'm only gone for a little while mom
I'm waiting for the day to be
When God calls out your name mom
We'll be together, just you wait and see

But until that time comes
Carry on as you did when I was there
I tell the angels how much I love you
There are angels here everywhere!

I stand behind you some days
When I know that you are sad
I want you to be happy mom
It would make my heart so glad

So on this Christmas Eve, Mom
Think of me as I will be thinking of you
And touch that special ornament
That I once made for you

I love you mom and dad, also
I know you know I do
And I'll be waiting here for you
When your earthly life is through

Love, Your child in Heaven

The Griever’s Holiday Bill of Rights

Thank you to Saundra Freemond from Santa Monica, CA for sending this to me when I first began our blog 3 years ago - my son Bobby had just died and I remember wondering if it would be politically correct to send this to everyone I knew, so they would understand me and that I wasn't going crazy or just being obstinate or feeling sorry myself (even though I felt as though I was all those things and sometimes still feel that way)... but I wanted people around me to just understand my heart was totally broken and I was finding it hard to breath and put one foot in front of the other and I didn't know today how I would feel or react to any given situation tomorrow... so I hope you will appreciate this as much as I always have-I have a copy of it in my holiday folder and as I begin to prepare for the holidays it's right on top, so it reminds me that it is OK to still feel as I do...and those who love me just have to understand (and if not-I'm sorry) - Lots of Love and we hope that our postings these next few weeks will help you on this month of difficult challenges on your journey..  Cherie Houston

The Grierves Holiday Bill of Rights by Bruce H. Conely 

You have the right to say, ‘TIME OUT!”,  anytime you need to.  Time out to let up; blow off a little steam; step away from the bustle of events;  have a “huddle” and start over.

You have a right to TELL IT LIKE IT IS.    When people ask, “How are you…?”, you have the right to tell them how you really feel, not just what they want to hear.  You also have a right to say, “I’m fine”, because the choice is yours.

You have the right to some, “BAH HUMBUG” DAYS.  You don’t have to put on a “happy face” for the benefit of others.  You are not a bad person because you don’t feel like smiling and cheering up others all day long.  Accept your limitations, don’t be afraid to ask for and accept help.

You have the right to DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY.   There is no law that says you must always celebrate a special day in the same way.  You can send fewer cards, or no cards at all!  You can open gifts at someone else’s house.  You can put up special decorations or leave them in the box this year or have pizza instead of that traditional dinner.  The list is endless.

You have the right to BE WHERE YOU WANT TO BE.  Be at home or with friends; in any city or state you choose or have dinner at a restaurant instead of in the traditional place.  Feel free to make changes or observe that special day in the usual way.

You have a right to SOME FUN!  When you have a day that isn’t so bad and you feel like doing something just for fun, then do it!  Don’t be afraid of what other people will say if they see you laughing and having a good time.  Laughter is every bit as important, and healing, as tears!

You have a right to CHANGE DIRECTION IN MIDSTREAM.  Grief is unpredictable.  You may be all ready to go somewhere or do something and suddenly feel overwhelmed.  When that happens, it’s okay to change your mind.  There are plenty of times in life to be predictable, so exercise your right to change your mind when you need to.

You have a right to DO THINGS AT DIFFERENT TIMES.  Worship at a different service time or even at a different church/synagogue.

        Open special gifts at a different time or place.

        Serve your meal at a different hour.

        Give up and go to bed at a different time.

        Don’t be a slave to tradition’s clock!

You have a right to REST, PEACE AND SOLITUDE.  You don’t need to be busy all of the time.  Take a nap whenever you need one.  Take time to pray and to meditate, to recharge your spirit.  It may do you much more good than eating another huge meal.

You have the right TO DO IT ALL DIFFERENT NEXT TIME.  Just because you change things one year, doesn’t mean you have written it in stone.  Next year you can change it back or do it in yet another way.                                                                                              

Holidays of Sadness

~ by Brigitte Synesael

When you have lost someone very dear to you, the most difficult obstacle to cross is getting through the holidays. Surviving the days where everyone around you is celebrating and spreading good cheer, while your mind is filled with memories and your heart is heavy with loneliness. It’s difficult just making it through what used to be the happiest days that were once shared with our child or loved one, and today carries only emptiness. The greatest challenge is to remain in the company of others who love you, when you really want to be alone with your sadness.

It makes no difference whether the loss took place last week, several months ago, or even last year. The holidays always send those deep emotions flooding right to the surface.

Just as how you deal with grief is personal and individual, so is the way you handle the holidays. Remember to be true to yourself, and don’t take on too much responsibility. Let people know that your plans may be subject to change, and you can’t make long term commitments just yet. Be honest with yourself and with your friends and family about how you’re feeling.

Some people find it best to start new traditions, because the past ones hold memories too difficult to deal with. Talk with your family about setting expectations. Plan together any modifications you will all make to the “normal” holiday festivities. You may want to have a church service dedicated to the memory of your loved one. Or make an annual donation in his/her name. Perhaps join the Hospice Tree Lighting ceremony. Bring joy to another child by purchasing a special toy for the Angel Tree in memory of your child.

Be honest about how you’re feeling, but when ever possible, try to include a positive twist into your thoughts. Instead of : “I miss my ….. so much, there is no Christmas without him/her.”  TRY “I do miss my ……. Christmas will be different this year, but I will try to enjoy it.”  Instead of: “I HATE this time of year. I can’t wait until it’s over.”  TRY “This is a difficult time of year for me. But it does give me an opportunity to become closer to my family and friends.”

Some people heal best by helping others. Try volunteering at an organization who help people with a greater need than yours. i.e. A soup kitchen, a homeless shelter, orphanages, etc. Often the best therapy is helping others. Aside from the obvious benefits of keeping your mind occupied and seeing that there are others in worse situations than yourself, charity work gives you a tremendous feeling of fulfillment. It can give you a renewed sense of purpose, so important during times of sadness.

Above all else, give yourself permission to enjoy yourself, to laugh, and to find peace. Each of these things are part of healing. Your life will never be the same, but it will go on, and it can still be good. Close your eyes for just a moment ~ bring into the room with you the clearest image of the person that you have lost. Now say “I love you and I miss you. You will always be in my heart. I need to know... is it okay for me to be happy again?”

Now, imagine the answer that you receive. If you remember your loved one in their true light, I’m confident the answer will be YES.  Find peace over the holidays, and be good to you.

~ About the Author: Brigitte Synesael is recognized as an authority on Alternative Medicine Information. A published author, one of her latest releases is  "You've Got Nothing To Lose But POUNDS!" 

Preparing for the Holidays

~ by Kenneth J. Doka, PhD, MDiv, Sr. Consultant to HFA; Professor of Gerontology at the College of New Rochelle in New York.

“When we are in the midst of grief, the last thing we may want to think about is the holidays. We may have little desire to participate. We may simply refuse to make plans, wishing the holidays would quickly, if not painlessly, pass.”

     The holidays are tough when we are grieving a loss. Holidays are centering moments in our lives, full of memories. We remember the Thanksgiving the oven broke down, the Hanukkah or Christmas gifts we received. It is very easy for our longing for someone we miss to become intense.

     There are other reasons the holidays can be tough. We often see reminders everywhere:  the perfect gift or a holiday card addressed to the person who died. They are stressful and busy times. This stress is difficult to bear when coping with grief. We might feel so out of step with the season. Our sadness seems magnified against the joy of others. Finally, in the midst of winter, we may feel more isolated and alone, the deepening darkness a reflection of our inner being.

     That is why it is essential to plan. We need not spend a great deal of time thinking of holiday menus or planning the perfect gift or care. I am speaking of something more important – planning how to get through the holidays.

     The danger is drift. It is easy in the stressful times of the holidays to surrender our decision making to well-meaning others, like the sister-in-law who will not take no for an answer. The result is that we find ourselves drifting into activities that are tiring, painful, or that don’t meet our needs.

    The first thing we need to do is to choose. What activities do we really want to do? What activities do we need to do?  What doesn't need to be done this year? We might decide to not send cards or host a dinner.

     As for the activities we choose, we must find the best way to do them, consistent with our own needs. For example, if we decide to give gifts, we might consider how we wish to do this. Do we simply send a check, shop from the Internet or a catalog, or shop with a friend?

     With whom do we wish to spend the holidays? Who can be present with us as we grieve? Who will understand that we may not be our usual selves?

     Sometimes it is a choice not to make a choice. Grief is often a roller-coaster experience, full of ups and downs. Grace knew that. So she decided that she would keep her options open until that very morning. She knew she would spend some time with her in-laws, but would wait until that day to see where she was on that roller coaster before committing to a particular schedule. We need to remember to remain flexible. For Tom, he decided to take his own car so he could leave when he was ready, rather than be obligated to wait for others.

     We need, too, to recognize the individuality of grief. For some of us, the holidays are difficult and stressful. There may be others of us who welcome the diversion  and find comfort in the bustle of activity. Still others of us might find ourselves torn between both feelings. It is the range of reactions that makes our grief unique.

     Once we have made our choices, we should communicate those decisions to others. Part of that communication is listening to others. That may add a third “C” to our holiday plans – compromise.

     The holidays are approaching so we need to plan. But we may want to remember this recipe:

Choose, Communicate and Compromise

When my child has died - please.......

Thank you to Paula B. from Beverly, England for sharing this - every mom whose on this journey, understands these statements all too well...

When My Child Has Died

~author is unknown but she knows she was a woman

When my child has died, please… 

• Don’t ignore me because you are uncomfortable with the subject of death. It makes me wonder if what happened means nothing to you.

• Acknowledge my pain, even if you think it shouldn’t be as great as it is… (because I’ve ‘only’ lost a baby or one of four!)

• Losing a child is one of the most difficult experiences to face and the depth of my grief will shock even me as it returns in waves. A tremendous number of emotional and physical hurts will come my way – please don’t minimize them.

• Please be aware that holidays and anniversaries will be particularly difficult times.

• If you invite me for lunch or bring a meal around (and please do) in the midst of my grief, please expect to talk about my loss. It’s all I’m thinking about and I need to talk it out; small talk neither interests nor helps just now.

• Please don’t change the subject if I start to cry. Tears and talking about it are the healthiest way for me to release my intense emotions.

• Telling me that So-and-so’s situation must have been much worse won’t make mine easier. It only makes me feel you don’t understand or can’t acknowledge the extent of my pain.

• Don’t expect that because my child is in heaven or ‘with God’ I shouldn’t be hurting. Even the most fervent believer in God would rather have their child with them. My arms ache to hold my child and I miss him or her so much. And God might not be finding favor with me right now.

• Now is not the time to tell me about your own childbirth or child’s experiences… It reminds me in the most painful way of what I’m missing.

• Don’t remind me that I’m so lucky to have other children. I am and I know it. But my pain is excruciating for this child; the others don’t take that pain away. Indeed, they can add to it because I’ve got to comfort them as well.

• No matter how bad I look, please don’t say “You look terrible.” I feel like a total failure right now and I don’t need to hear that I look awful too.

• Don’t devalue my experience or my child – the feelings of deprivation are so intense. A child who has never breathed is nonetheless missed so if I’ve ‘only’ miscarried or my child was stillborn, don’t forget he/she was a very special, unique person.

• Please don’t suggest my child can be replaced by my having more. Would you say “Don’t worry, there are plenty more fish in the sea,” to someone who had just lost their husband?

• When you ask my husband how I’m doing – please don’t forget to ask him how he’s doing too. He has also lost his child. If you ignore his hurt it suggests that his pain doesn’t exist or doesn’t matter.

On this Thanksgiving

On this Thanksgiving, raise your glass and toast you child or children who are now angels, be thankful for the ways in which they touched your lives and the memories and joy they left behind.. From our families to yours, we feel your heartache, but know that you are in our prayers and we hope you will find peace this Thanksgiving and joy in the memories of your child…Cherie Houston

FIRST THANKSGIVING

The thought of being thankful

fills my heart with dread.

They’ll all be feigning gladness,

not a word about her said.

These heavy shrouds of blackness

enveloping my soul,

pervasive, throat-catching,

writhe in me, and coil.

I must, I must acknowledge,

just express her name,

so all sitting at the table,

know I’m thankful that she came.

Though she’s gone from us forever

and we mourn to see her face,

not one minute of her living,

would her death ever replace.

So I stop the cheerful gathering,

though my voice quivers, quakes,

make a toast to all her living ~

That small tribute’s all it takes.

~ Genesse Bourdeau Gentry from

Stars in the Deepest – After the Death of a Child

Memories of Thanksgiving since my child died

As we prepare for Thanksgiving, know that your feelings are normal – grief is a roller coaster journey of ups and downs and there is no right or wrong way to “behave” or grieve, so be patient with yourself and others and know that whatever you decide to do about these upcoming holidays is your choice and those who love you will hopefully understand… But know that your tremendous heartache will ease-this mother ‘s memories are a reflection of so many of our memories and I hope it will help you in some small way… Cherie Houston 

THANKSGIVING

~ by Priscilla J. Norton, TCF, Pawtucket, RI

I remember –

the inability to chew or swallow that first Thanksgiving after Linda died; the choke-backed tears, the sick heart, the hollowness, the painful memories of Thanksgivings past and the blessed relief sleep brought to my pain.

I remember –

the busyness of working as a volunteer that second and third Thanksgiving after Linda died; the good feeling it gave me of “running away” from it all, and the blessed relief sleep brought to my pain.

I remember –

the inability to prepare any of her favorite foods that fourth Thanksgiving after Linda died; the tears that fell at the smell of turkey cooking, the parade, football games, the emptiness, the incomplete family, and  the blessed relief sleep brought to my pain.

I remember –

awakening with a lightness and joy in my heart that fifth Thanksgiving after Linda died; the thankfulness for having my remaining family together,  the beautiful memories of past Thanksgivings, the “wholeness” of me and the blessed relief peace brought to my pain.

Thanksgiving-My Child has died, can I ever be thankful?

This time next week it will be Thanksgiving and for many of us who've lost children, we can't imagine being "thankful"...  Almost a year after my son Bobby died and just months after I'd begun this blog and first began receiving emails from mom's and others outside of our group, I received this story about Thanksgiving - I apologize but I didn't save the name of whom sent it to me, but I want to share it with you.. 

The holidays are difficult, and for some, as hard as we try we can't seem to get back into them the way others wish we would...  but I find her comments in the last paragraph comforting and inspirational, and what I've learned since Bobby's death (also 2 months before Thanksgiving in 2009) is that I am thankful - I am thankful he was born, that he was my son, that I enjoyed him for 36 years and 23 days and that he gave me two beautiful grandsons who remind me of him every time I look at them and I'm glad that Bobby is now with his 2 angel sisters in heaven; and I'm thankful for my wonderful husband Dan, 2 incredible sons Ric & Sean & 2 great step-sons Dan Jr & Doug, 5 daughter-in-laws who I love Margaret, Jennifer, Nikki, Suzanne & Mandi, my adopted daughter Jennifer and 9 1/4 grandchildren that I've been blessed with.. Yes - I have a lot to be thankful for..

THANKSGIVING… MY CHILD HAS DIED, DON’T EXPECT ME TO BE THANKFUL!!

~ By Linda Moore

Dear friends...If this is your first Thanksgiving since the death of your child, I am so very sorry. There is nothing I can say here to make it better, wish I could. Everyone has to do the holiday thing in their own way...whatever might make you the most comfortable. I will share with you part of my Thanksgiving story…

For years our family had gone away for Thanksgiving. We were joined by extended family and it was always a good time. When our kids were little, we all went camping, cooked the turkey outside in a smoker. Some great memories there.

As the kids got older, and I figured out that fixing a big meal outdoors was only fun for everyone else, not the ones bringing everything for it and fixing it! Our game plan then changed and we began going to a hotel on the beach in Carlsbad. Now that was the say to go. We had a big suite, nice heated pool at the ocean’s edge and maid service!!

Then one year, Brad died two months before Thanksgiving. I could not fathom feeling Thankful. My child had died!! 


All the hotel arrangements had been made the year before. We were on automatic pilot and just went with the flow. I did insist on everyone sharing a memory with Brad and lighting a candle in his memory. When I made this request, there were probably some anxious moments…I don’t remember, nor did I care. In some ways I think it was good for us sticking with some of the traditions that Brad loved and adding new ones to honor him. Was it hard? No doubt. Should we have stayed home, gone somewhere else? No matter where we would have gone, he still would not have been there...there is no getting around that. The pain would have been with us no matter where we were.

We told Brad we loved him, writing it in huge letters in the sand. I spent quiet moments by myself, walking on the beach. I cried by myself and with others. I even laughed a couple of times as we shared silly moments of other Thanksgiving days with Brad. Most of the day I felt I was in the “twilight zone” - participating but removed.

That night, when I was by myself, I sat and wrote a letter to Brad – a letter telling him how thankful I was that he was my son, that I had him for those 17 years, 364 days...That I was thankful for every moment, great, good and not so good. I was thankful for the love we still had.

Have I ever had a “normal” Thanksgiving again? NO...no, I have rearranged things in my mind...some

things I keep to myself so others can fully enjoy the day. But I always include Brad in some way. I cannot change that he is no longer physically here...so I have to change my world to make way for this new life of mine and make the best of it.

Special Thanks to our Soldier Children

On this special day, November 11th, intended to honor our veterans, I wanted to find just the right words of thanks for those children and for our moms who raised those beautiful children, children who choose to defend us and gave the ultimate sacrifice: their committment to defend our country, our freedom and our ability to decide what it is we believe in... So I've decided to reprint our Blog from Veterans Day 2 years ago-Nov. 11th, 2010, which does just that.

The moment those children (adults, men & women, some young, some not so young, but to a mom no matter what their age they are always our children); made the commitment to join the armed forces, their lives and their families lives changed forever.

Some, sadly, were not meant to come home alive. The how’s of why they died while in the armed forces isn’t important ~ they were soldiers and died as soldier; they were a parent’s child and died a parent’s child that is all that matters. For their sacrifice to agree to serve our country and protect our freedom, we are and will always be eternally grateful. We assure them and their parents, that they will not be forgotten – sleep peacefully our beloved soldier children and know we will be forever grateful that you were here and for all that you did ..Cherie Houston

I couldn’t find just the right words, but thought this note written in 2010 on “Independce Day” speaks volumes to our soldier children’s memories…

~ July 4, 2010 ~ Eileen Marie Hines: To All Our Soldiers and their families

I am very humbled and grateful to be able to speak out concerning so many of our children that have died for us and their country. I know many people who's names would never fit in a large book, through my life, that spoke of soldier's, men and women alike that were just your average next door neighbor that loved and believed we live in the best country in the world!

My husband and I have raised our children to respect, and honor those that are serving in any capacity for freedom and helping other folk less fortunate than our people are here in the United States.

There is something mentioned somewhere that when one human being suffers, we are all touched by their suffering. This applies as well to our fallen comrades. We are so very, very, proud of them and their families for having given the ultimate sacrifice. We also know that it was not in vain. What we don't understand now, will become clear to us later.

The Commander-in-Chief, (GOD) has them safely with HIM for the present. We will get to see them later. I'm sure the medals HE will be passing out are far more wonderful. I know several, personally that have passed on to HIM. I miss them, but they made a difference for a lot of folk. Thank you- You will never be forgotten, just like those that are serving our country now will not be forgotten.
Sincerely, Eileen Hines

I will be there mom...

I've usually posted this poem the day before Christmas - Christmas Eve, but I know I need to be reminded of this throughout the month of December and quite honestly throughout the entire holiday season from Halloween until after New Years Day... so I want to share this with you early this year (and I'll post it again Christmas Eve), in the hopes that it will remind you also, that your child is with you - maybe not in body as we'd wish, but with us nonetheless...  I pray this helps to give you a little more strength and peace this holiday season - Lots of hugs and love.... Cherie Houston

I WILL BE THERE

~ by Sharon J. Bryant

Mom, tomorrow I will be there
Though you may not see
I'll smile and remember
The last Christmas, with you and me

Don't be sad mom
I'm never far away
Your heart has hidden sight
My memory will always stay

I watched as you touched the ornaments
Sometimes a tear was shed as you did
I touched you gently on your shoulder
And on tiptoes I proudly stood

I'm only gone for a little while mom
I'm waiting for the day to be
When God calls out your name mom
We'll be together, just you wait and see

But until that time comes
Carry on as you did when I was there
I tell the angels how much I love you
There are angels here everywhere!

I stand behind you some days
When I know that you are sad
I want you to be happy mom
It would make my heart so glad

So on this Christmas Eve, Mom
Think of me as I will be thinking of you
And touch that special ornament
That I once made for you

I love you mom and dad, also
I know you know I do
And I'll be waiting here for you
When your earthly life is through

Love, Your child in Heaven

A siblings view of the holidays...

When a child dies in a family - everyone is affected - not just immediately but forever.. Yes the ways in which we are each impacted are different, but nonetheless each persons grief and heartache are important and need to be recognized...  As the holidays approach, I thought it might help to glance inside the heart of a sister, who lost her brother - although we don't know her or her brother, her heartfelt story allows us to celebrate their family ...Happy Birthday Sean-you aren't forgotten...Cherie Houston

~ by Traci Morlock, a Bereaved Sibling - BP/USA St. Louis Chapter

The worst time of the year for me is the holidays. I guess the worst part of the holidays is the changing of the seasons.  My brother, Sean, always loved Fall. For him it was a romantic time of the year. Sean’s birthday is November 11, the height of Fall. So, the holiday season begins for me with the first leaf falling off the tree. As Sean’s birthday approaches, I find myself getting sadder and sadder. I never know how much I really miss him until I realize he’s missed another birthday. As the other holidays grow nearer, I begin to dread them more.

The first year, no one wanted to have Christmas, but we felt we needed it for my daughter. Her birthday is Christmas Eve and she turned two that year. Doing Christmas for her makes it a little easier but, at the same time makes it that much more difficult.

Sean thought we needed holidays all year long. While helping my Mom put up Christmas decorations, I look at our family picture above the piano, the last of the five of us. I told my Mom that we would never be that happy again. I know that is a sad thing to say, but I know a part of me will always be missing.

Each year I feel a numbness set in over the holidays. The numbness begins around Sean’s birthday and ends after the first of each year. Sean’s been gone almost four years (can it be that it’s been that long?)

The year of Sean’s death, my Mom didn’t know what to do with the ornaments that Sean had collected over the years. The Christmas before Sean died, my Mom purchased a miniature tree for the family room. Sean made fun of it. The next year, Mom purchased Sean his own miniature tree for the family room. Sean’s tree is filled with all of his ornaments and his used guitar strings for tinsel. Sean’s tree goes up right after Thanksgiving and doesn’t come down until after January 24th, the anniversary of his death. This tree has actually helped to make the holidays seem a little brighter. 

A part of my brother is there in that tree. I was out shopping a few weeks ago and I bought an ornament that would go perfectly on Sean’s tree. The ornament is the first one I have purchased for Sean since he died. Just buying that one ornament has actually made me look forward to the holidays.

I know the holidays will never be the same without our “Holiday Clown,” but we will make new memories, laugh and cry at the old ones, and just survive this time of year. I wish you a peaceful holiday season filled with precious moments and happy memories. I also hope that you can share a smile.  Peace, Traci Morlock   

Some Suggestions for Thanksgiving (and other holidays)

~ By Diane Zarnkoff, TCF, Simi Valley, CA

Throughout our lives, expectations of things to come are based upon past experiences. If, in the past, you had set a glorious table and were the perfect host or hostess, it is very possible that friends and family will expect more of the same this year. They may not be aware that you are not looking toward the holidays with a fun and games attitude. They probably do not know that in anticipation of  Thanksgiving, Christmas and Hanukkah, you may feel anxiety and fear.

They are probably thinking this year will be different and some sadness will accompany it, but I don’t think they are aware of your anguish, especially if it’s been “awhile.”

I would like to suggest to you that in fairness to yourself you need to be honest about your feelings and, just as important, you need to communicate these feelings to those around you. I really don’t think it is necessary for you to believe that because you set a tradition and always made the turkey, fried the latkes, and always had the family over, you need to feel obligated to do it again this year.

Perhaps you would like (and need) to tell everyone:

• Someone else will have to do dinner this year.
• You want to make dinner in your home, but you need lots of help because you don’t have the energy to do it.
• You want to go to the parties, but you are afraid you may break down and cry or want to leave in a hurry and you want them to know in advance this is really okay.
• You want to tell them it’s okay to talk about your child. Not to, makes it very uncomfortable.

 The list goes on, but the point is that to pretend everything is “just fine” is a lie and that’s not fair to you or to the people who you love.

Seasons of the heart

Seasons of the Heart ~ by Gen Linski, Manitoba Canada

A few short months ago, I sat on my cottage deck and listened to the loons and the cracking of the ice as Winter shed its cloak and Spring shone through.  

Once again I sit and observe the wonders of nature.  The green and gold of the Autumn leaves shimmer in the frosty air and their reflections are captured on the glass image of the crystal clear waters. 

How much like the changing of the seasons is the process of grief.  One season can be dark, gloomy, and filled with despair, then burst out into a season of color, life, and hope.  Following an emotional high, the comfort of Autumn surrounds us as the cycle of life revolves and the sparkle returns to our eyes. 

With the passing of each season comes not an ending but a new beginning.  And as the seasons change, we, too, will change.  We will pass through the tunnel of despair and on to the eternal light that only we who have experienced the living hell can come to understand. 

Is this not nature’s way of healing the season of the heart? 

It Begins with Halloween - the dreaded Holiday Season

IT BEGINS WITH HALLOWEEN

~ by Kim Brundt

The holidays can be nightmares in the making for parents who have buried their child/baby. After all, most holidays are geared toward children, children who are no longer here with us. We may not have other living children to carry on the celebration with, or we may be unable to emotionally do so if there are other children.  

The period most dreaded begins with Halloween and runs through the New Year. I remember wishing that I could go to sleep on October 30th and not wake up until January 3rd or 4th. But, realistically we all know that this is not a possibility. So, what can a hurting parent do to survive these days that can bring us so much pain?

To begin with, be gentle with yourself, your spouse or significant other and any surviving children. Talk to each other. Find out what each is feeling before making any decisions as to what you will or will not do.

If surviving children are too young to really know what’s going on, then they probably will not miss out if you decide to not put up a tree. Even older children may need to downplay the first holidays after losing a baby sister or brother, and are uncomfortable telling their already hurting parents. Once you and your immediate family decide what is right, you then tell the extended family what has been decided. Do not allow others to pressure you into doing something that is not comfortable.

I know from experience and from speaking with many other hurting moms and dads that often our anticipation of the holiday is worse than the actual day itself. This is especially true if you have given the days ahead a lot of thought and have decided on a plan of what you would like to try to do.  There are many ways to include your child into your holiday plans. Some ideas I have used and

heard of are:

·         Buying and decorating a balled Christmas tree. That tree can later be planted in honor of your child.

·         Ordering special flowers to place in a special spot in your house or to carry with you to other houses as you go.

·         Decorating your child’s grave and visiting the grave before or after the day’s activity.

·         Dedicating the altar flowers at your place of worship in your child’s name.

·         Donating gifts that you would have bought for your child to a needy child. (Many parents have found a special peace by being able to go out and actually buy the special things for their children that they had been planning on all along, then pass them on to another child whose Christmas may not have been as special otherwise.)

·         Lighting a candle or placing an ornament on a tree to honor your child.

·         Attending a special service dedicated to the honor of our children such as the International Candlelight Ceremony (held the 2^nd Sunday in December worldwide*).

The ideas are endless and very personal. It is important to look into your own heart and do what

brings you and yours the peace you need. If you are not sure if something is right, try it out and, if it is not what you expected, then next year try something else.

I know if I look hard enough in my heart, I usually will find what I need to do for my boys, Jonathan and Jacob.  I will light a candle this year as I do every year in honor and celebration of all our children. I will say a special prayer for you and as always my wish for you is peace, hope and love in the days ahead.

With hugs and more hugs, Kim Brundt

Lovingly lifted from BP/USA  -Central Savannah River Area Chapter

*This years annual Candlelight Ceremony will be held on Sunday evening, December 9th, 2012 at the Calvary Baptist Church in Lake Havasu City, AZ - check with your local bereaved parents support group to find out where & when they will holding their candlelight ceremony...

That Time of Year

~ Mary Cleckley -Bereaved Parents/Member at Large

It’s Halloween time again. Is that thought bothering you? It probably is, particularly if you had a little one who would have been out doing a little tricking and getting a lot of treating that night.

Or, maybe your child was too small or didn’t live to see even one Halloween. That hurts too, doesn’t it?

Sometimes we grieve for what was and sometimes we grieve for what could have been.

Maybe, like me, your child was too old for conning neighbors into treats, but it still is a hard night in the beginning. All special days and nights are. 

If you have small children who need to be a part of this special night, maybe a family member or a good friend will accompany them on their appointed rounds. They’ll enjoy the evening just as much and you can “treat” yourself by choosing to stop the world and get off for a little while. 

If you have no children at home, this may be a good time to close up shop for that one night. Take in a movie – or stay at home and give no inviting signs that say you want to participate in the festivities of the evening.

Do what is comfortable for you. One day you will be able to enjoy treating the little ones again. This just may not be the year. Isn’t it good to know our needs and abilities change as time goes by?

From Halloween until after the new year arrives, it helps to prepare ourselves that  this time of year can be overwhelming, especially the first few years after your child has died, no matter their age.  Go easy on yourself and try to be patient with others - remember those around us mean well as they “encourage” us to participate during the holiday season, but remember you need to do what is right for you and those who love you will understand…and if they don't, well that's OK too.. Cherie Houston

Angel Babies...

Angel Babies...

~ author unknown

The world may never notice 

If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom, 

Or even pause to wonder 

If the petals fall too soon. 

But every life that ever forms, 

Or ever comes to be, 

Touches the world in some small way 

For all eternity. 

The little one we long for 

Was swiftly here and gone. 

But the love that was then planted 

Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty, 

Our hearts know what to do. 

Every beating of our hearts 

Says that we do love you.