Holiday Lights

I wish I could remember how and when I received this, but I don't..  But I hope you will find the message helpful as we muddle our way through what can be a very difficult month - December when we celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas.. so I want to thank the authors and hope that they won't mind my sharing it with you... as together we find our own way to find peace amongst our memories this month...Cherie Houston

Holiday Lights, written by Bettye and Sam Rosenberg, TCF, Louisville, KY

During the holiday season, both Christians and Jews light  candles in celebration of their respective faiths, and as they do so, even the darkest of rooms become warm and bright from the glow of the candle. Then, we can ask ourselves how powerful and sinister can the darkness be if it can be overcome by the light of one little candle?

There is then a message in this for all of us. When the darkness seems to overwhelm us, and it can be a mental and spiritual darkness as well as the darkness of winter night, we need to be reminded that it is powerless to withstand the smallest bit of illumination.

So, as the world grows colder and darker during these winter months, we as Compassionate Friends must do what people of many faiths have been taught to do at this season. 

Light a candle in someone’s life to make the darkness and fears flee. A little bit of light is all that most of us need, but, oh, we need that little bit so badly.

So, let us all extend a candle of light and hope not only to each other, but to the unfortunate people who, for whatever reason, become one of us this winter and will be in need of that light. It’s the least we can do and it accomplishes so much.

TOGETHER WE CAN MAKE IT.

Thanksgiving Prayer

On this Thanksgiving Day, I just want to take a moment to wish you and yours a peace filled Thanksgiving holiday.  I believe that our children are smiling down on each of us, thankful and proud that we are their moms, and that we continue to carry them with us into the future - yes, they are our children and always will be and for that I feel blessed and thankful..Cherie Houston

Lovingly shared from TCF - Written by Charlotte Irick TCF, Idaho Falls, ID

I'm thankful this Thanksgiving

That my grief is not so new.

Last year it was so painful to

Think of losing you.

Death can't claim my love for you

Tho we are far apart,

Sweet memories will always be

Engraved upon my heart.

Time can never bring you back

But it can help me be

Thankful for the years of joy

You brought our family.

To all the parents with grief so new

I share your loss and sorrow

I pray you find with faith and time

The blessings of each Tomorrow.

Finding reasons for thanks, at Thanksgiving, is difficult

For those of you who are experiencing your first or second Thanksgiving later this week without your children or grandchildren, know that during Thanksgiving dinner when everyone proclaims what they are thankful for, your heart will probably skip a beat, and tears may well in your eyes and in your heart you might think, how can I be thankful - my child is dead...  But also know that in time, despite the horrific pain you feel now, there will come a time when you will be so grateful for every moment you had with your child or grandchild... even for mom's who never got to hold their babies, in time even they are grateful..

There is a blog that I visit often (www.grievingparent.com) This blog is written by a dad who lost his young 22 year old son Richard on May 25, 2009, just a few months before my own son Bobby died on September 19th 2009.

I found the blog within weeks of Bobby's death and I continue to visit the blog often  and still gives me tremendous comfort; probably because so much of what Joe Mudd writes, is what I am feeling so that helps me to know I'm not alone, it's OK, I'm normal, I am not going crazy.

Surprising isn't it, that many around us who fortunately are not part of this "unique group"; seem to believe that once the first year of grieving is over, then of course; we will be "better"; we will have "moved on", but those of us who are part of this "unique group" - we know too well that this "new normal" is not something we get over, get better from or move beyond; it is simply a pain that gets a little softer and that we learn to live with..

Instead I imagine that, like Richard's dad, most of us are very grateful; thankful that we had our children, no matter how short their time and yes, this unbearable pain, is worth whatever length of time we had them...

This is the post that Richard's dad wrote in 2009 on his blog about his son.. sentiments I think so many of us share - so as you prepare for Thanksgiving without your beloved children, it is OK to be thankful for all that they gave us and for all that we have now.... Cherie Houston

by Joe Mudd on November 26, 2009, Joe is a dad who writes a blog about his son Richard, who passed away on May 25, 2009 - Joe's blog, which has truly become a favorite of mine is: " www.grievingparent.com; Stop by and visit sometime...

It’s Thanksgiving Day 2009 here in the USA. Time to give thanks to our maker for all the good things he has given us. It has also been six months since our son Richard, who was only 22, died on May 25th of this year.

So you probably think we won’t find anything to be thankful for. After all it’s hard to be thankful for grief, pain and a huge part of our life missing. It takes more work to find it, but yes, there is much to be thankful for.

I’m grateful for my great family and friends. All the love and support they’ve given us has been pulling us through this process. It still hurts, but I can’t image what it would be like without them.

I’m grateful to have my beautiful daughter and the grand-dog home with us for this holiday. She’s a very special young lady.

I give thanks everyday for the wonderful memories. They make us realize how much we’ve lost, but they remind us of what we had. And it was special.

And this one may make you think I’ve gone completely off the deep end. I’m thankful this hurts so very much. No, I don’t enjoy the pain. It’s nearly unbearable. But this pain is so intense because we had so much love and fun with Richard. He was a treat. We had a special relationship his whole life. I wouldn’t change much.

Of course there are some things I’d like to have been able to do. Richard did shot put and discus in high school. Because I work second shift I wasn’t able to be at all those week night contests. I would love to have been there for everyone.

And I missed most of his weekend camping trips with his Scout Troop because I had to work most weekends. But those weekend work days made it possible to send him to a great high school. He loved St X, and the teachers and programs helped make Richard into the fine young man he became. So I owe them my gratitude too. And his Scout Leaders led him to Eagle Scout. More to be thankful for. But we still had a lot of fun together. He never became the surly disrespectful person so many teens turn into.

I’m grateful we had our kids. They taught me what love is all about. They made me a totally different – and much improved – person than what I was so many years ago. And Richard was a huge part of that.

So yes, finding reasons for thanks is a hard thing. It takes work.

About a year before Richard’s death, an employee of one of our on-site vendors lost his entire family in an auto accident. His wife and three kids gone. My friend Kathy, who hasn’t had children yet, asked me, “If you knew you would lose them early like that, would it be worth so much pain? Would you still want to have them?” I told her I thought I would, but because I’d never had to face that kind of pain and couldn’t really imagine what it must be like, I didn’t know for sure.

I now live that pain. I know the answer. Yes I’d gladly have him again.  He was worth it.

A Forgiving & Peace Filled Thanksgiving

For the last few months I've been trying to think of what I would say about Thanksgiving this year. Yes, Thanksgiving is next week and as each us prepares for the holidays without our beloved child or children, for some it will be our first Thanksgiving and for others it will be our second, fifth or thirtieth - the number of years doesn't matter.

Yes there is no doubt, the holidays are difficult, but remember, the anticipation is usually more difficult than the day itself.. For our family, it will be our fifth Thanksgiving and Christmas Holiday season without our 36 year old son Bobby and more than 40 years for both of my daughters, Randee Marie & Robin Marie who died in 1971 & 1972..  No matter how much time has passed since their deaths, the ache remains, a all of the “if only’s”  resurface, but what has changed over time, is that I find myself smiling a bit more than crying when the memories flood back!!!

I originally shared this article with all of you back in November 2010, the 2^nd holiday after Bobby died…  It was written in 2006 by a dad who is a member of the Bereaved Parents group in Northern Texas, I thought it's perfect to help me and maybe others who might not understand why others around us can't feel our pain. I hope it helps you, as it has me, to gain some insight about forgiving those around us who may not understand our heartbreak and sadness and may they never know this hurt.   So as we all we all prepare for this holiday season, forgive those who don’t understand and may we all find peace as we remember and offer thanks for our beloved children and all the joy they gave us..Cherie Houston

~ Written by Jim Hobbs, BP/USA of Northern Texas from “Where Are All The Butterflies”

Thanksgiving was always an easy holiday. Unlike Christmas, there was no pressure of giving just the right gift! Thanksgiving Day brought family gatherings and good food. Late on those afternoons, we would return home full from over-eating and satisfied that our family relationships were intact. It was also a day that reminded us of everything for which we were thankful. We are supposed to be thankful for our health, our families, our comfortable life, etc.

The death of a child changes our perceptions, however. When the family now gathers around the Thanksgiving table, I now see a missing plate that no one else sees. When our nieces and nephews are laughing or crying, I hear a voice that no one else hears. When a family member recounts a story about something his or her child did last week, I wish for a story to tell. (Of course, when I say no one else, I exclude my wife and daughter. I’m sure that they see, hear and wish what I do, although probably at different times. We still have much to be thankful for, we bereaved parents, and we should remember that.

But now Thanksgiving Day has an additional observance for us too, doesn’t it? It is a day of forgiveness also. We must forgive others who cannot and do not acknowledge our missing child, for whatever reasons. If family and friends cannot understand us, then we must exhibit tolerance, forgiveness and understanding. On a day on which we offer thanks, we can and will climb another step on our ladder to recovery. I hope you have a forgiving Thanksgiving.

Remember the moms of Veteran's today

On this special day, November 11^th, intended to honor our veterans, I wanted to find just the right words of thanks for those of our moms who raised beautiful children, children who choose to defend our freedom and gave the ultimate sacrifice –their lives… 

The moment those children (adults, men & women, some young, some not so young, but to a mom no matter what their age they are always our children); made the commitment to join the armed forces, their lives and their families lives changed forever. 

Some, sadly, were not meant to come home alive.  The how’s of why they died while in the armed forces isn’t important ~ they were soldiers and died as soldier; they were a parent’s child and died a parent’s child that is all that matters.  For their sacrifice to agree to serve our country and protect our freedom, we are and will always be eternally grateful.  We assure them and their parents, that they will not be forgotten – sleep peacefully our beloved soldier children and know we will be forever grateful that you were here and for all that you did ..Cherie Houston

I couldn’t find just the right words, but thought this note written this year on “Independence Day” speaks volumes to our soldier children’s memories…

~ July 4, 2010 ~ Eileen Marie Hines: To All Our Soldiers and their families

I am very humbled and grateful to be able to speak out concerning so many of
our children that have died for us and their country. I know many people who's
names would never fit in a large book, through my life, that spoke of soldier's,
men and women alike that were just your average next door neighbor that loved
and believed we live in the best country in the world!

My husband and I have raised our children to respect, and honor those that are serving in any capacity for freedom and helping other folk less fortunate than our people are here in the United States.

There is something mentioned somewhere that when one human being suffers, we are all touched by their suffering. This applies as well to our fallen comrades. We are so very, very, proud of them and their families for having given the ultimate sacrifice. We also know that it was not in vain. What we don't understand now, will become clear to us later.

The Commander-in-Chief, (GOD) has them safely with HIM for the present. We will get to see them later. I'm sure the medals HE will be passing out are far more wonderful. I know several, personally that have passed on to HIM. I miss them, but they made a difference for a lot of folk. Thank you- You will never be forgotten, just like those that are serving our country now will not be forgotten. Sincerely, Eileen Hines

"Common Sense" - Grief rules

“COMMON SENSE”   GRIEF RULES

In her work as a Bereavement Counselor for funeral homes, Margaret Gerner of St. Louis MO  contacted family members who had lost loved ones approximately eight weeks after their deaths.  The largest percentage of them were what she called “I’m Fine” calls.  Surviving family members say they’re ‘fine.’  In truth, many of them are, but more of them are not!!   She says she hears comments such as:

 “I’m keeping busy so I don’t have to think about it” or “I hurt at first, but I just have to give it time.”  Or “I try not to cry in front of my family.  It upsets them so much.”  Very few people will admit that they are hurting. Unfortunately, this denial of grief is all too common in our society.  Actually, we have unwritten rules about it. 

The Rules ARE:

• Ÿ  Bury your feelings
• Ÿ  Replace the loss
• Ÿ  Grieve alone
• Ÿ  Give it time

Did you pick up any of these rules in the above comments? 

We live in a fast paced society that does not allow the deep, searing emotions that occur at the death of a special loved one, especially at the death of a child.  It’s not comfortable to listen to another talk about his or her child, or cry, or show pictures of them.  We are asked to ‘get on with life.” ………….. Thus “The Rules” !!!

As a bereaved parent, we pay a high price for those rules…….We pay the price for swallowing our emotions in illness and chronic depression that can plague us many years after our child dies.  We pay the price in a prolonged sense of isolation because we can not share our pain with another.  We pay the price in self-blame when that magic year mark comes and we aren’t   “over it.”

We never stop and ask ourselves who said we have to keep busy, that crying is weakness, that talking about our deceased child is morbid, that we must think only of the ‘good’ memories, or that time heals all wounds.  We just take what society dictates as ‘truth’.   “THEY”  ARE NOT  ~ Society IS NOT  !!!!

Ignore these Rules!!!  Let yourselves grieve in healthy ways. 

• Ÿ   Do not bury your feelings.  Let them out.  Get angry when you need to!!!!
• Ÿ   Cry when you are hurting….Talk out your guilt!!!   Don’t try to replace the uniqueness of your child.  You CAN NOT!!! 
• Ÿ   Don’t grieve alone.  Find people who will listen non-judgmentally to your story told over and over again. 
• Ÿ  Let GO of the mistaken idea that time heals!!  Time, in and of itself heals nothing.  It isn’t time that heals: it’s the grief work that you do while the clock ticks away that heals….. 

Look at what you are being told about grief.  Question who “THEY  are and  What “THEY”   know about grief.  Don’t listen to those who tell you not to grieve.

Would you consult your neighbor on financial matters if he were a mechanic?  Would you ask an attorney about your stomach problems?   Of course you would NOT.  So why listen to those who tell you how to grieve when they have absolutely NO knowledge of how to grieve or how to recover.

The loss of a beloved child creates a big change in your life.  Do NOT leave healthy recovery and positive personal growth to “Common Sense” rules.  Keep in mind that while the Rules may be “Common”………..they don’t always make….”Sense.”  

Adapting to the loss of our Children

Thank you Paula B. for sharing this article with us - Paula is a member of BP/Bereaved parents in Ohio and shared this within months of when I first began this blog...   she said it helped her to realize she was going to survive the loss of her beloved daughter Sara, who was 20 when she died several years before in an auto accident..  I hope it will also help you as you strive to find peace and your new normal...

"Adapting to the loss of a loved one"

~ by Wendy Bridger

Have you ever sat down and played a piano where one of the keys wasn't working? Or made cookies and left out an ingredient? Perhaps you've started listening to a favorite CD, and just when it gets to your favorite part of your favorite song, you realize that there is a scratch in it.

In some ways, losing a loved one is similar. Here you are going easily through life, and then, BAM, they are gone and life will never be the same. That piano piece sounds different because the middle C is broken, the cookies just aren't the same, and at times, we are frustrated like we are when our CD gets scratched. 

Unfortunately, with the loss of a loved one, it is more difficult to fix than the piano or the batch of cookies, and your loved one was irreplaceable, unlike the CD. Short and simple, this is what grieving is: learning to cope with the loss of someone who was apart of what made us what we are. So, what do we do? How do we go on after they are gone? I have a few suggestions that might help you through.

First of all, just as each of us has different personalities, each of us grieves in a different way. There is no right or wrong way to feel or act, as long as you are not endangering yourself or others. Some of us cry. Others of us bury ourselves in work or hobbies. If the person is still living and only the relationship has changed, it is very easy for us to do all we can to change things back to how they used to be. At times, it may take a while to truly even admit that they are gone. We just might feel numb. Some of us might even feel guilty if we don't feel sad enough! So, take your feelings and actions for what they are and be patient with yourself. After all, you have just lost a part of what makes you who you are.

Also, find a way to transition your loved one into your new life. My father in law lost his dad last year and he hung a picture of him up in the living room to remember him. Others write goodbye letters to their loved one, giving themselves a chance to tell them things that they never got to say. Some of us keep a little box full of pictures and memories only to be taken out when we want to remember them, because remembering them all the time would be too overwhelming. I had a friend who's little brother died. She got married on his birthday as a way to include him at her wedding. Once again, it depends on you and your relationship with the one you loved. For instance, burning every picture you had of an ex-boyfriend might be the perfect way to transition.

Another thing, you usually don't ever "get over it." Your loved one is gone. If you no longer have an ingredient to make cookies, it's easy to realize that replacing it with a different ingredient would not make the cookies start tasting like they used to. To expect that you will be able to replace your loved one is also unrealistic. This reality may sound even more depressing. Frankly, I love chocolate chip cookies, and the idea of not ever having one again is quite upsetting! But in time, if I had to, I could grow to love other sweets, like banana bread, sweet potato pie, or brownies. So, even if you aren't going to get over it, in time, you will adapt to the loss and find fulfillment through other experiences and relationships.

So, be patient with yourself. Losing someone isn't easy. It turns your life upside down. Naturally, it's going to take a while to pick up the pieces and transition to life without your loved one. Remember, Beethoven composed some beautiful music after losing his hearing, and you will find happiness and fulfillment again in your life after losing your loved one.

¹Wordern, J.W. (1991). Grief Counseling & Grief Therapy: A guidebook for the Mental Health Practitioner. Springer Publishing

Remember and Honor Your Children Today

I originally wrote and posted this 2 years ago on November 1st 2011, but I'm hoping you won't mind if I share it again today 2 years later..

Since my first child, Randee Marie, died in March 1971, the most common fear I've heard repeatedly from moms (and dads) of children who have died, is the fear that their child will be forgotten.. That thought is almost as unbearable as the actual loss of the child... It’s important to us, that our child, no matter their age, never be forgotten..

The images I'd seen growing up of "The Day of the Dead" celebrations used to make me squeamish!!! But now that I understand the celebrations and reasons for them, I'm in awe and have a new respect for these special days - Yes, now that I know their intent is to honor and remember our family members who have died, I'm appreciative of this wonderful reason to celebrate. Imagine, a whole day when we are encouraged to speak our child or children's names, to talk of them and all that they meant to us - yes to celebrate them!!... So if you, like me, don't understand very much about this tradition, I hope you'll allow me to share what I've learned...

I was raised Catholic, so I knew that in most countries with a Roman Catholic heritage, All Saints Day and All Souls Day were religious holidays, days when we went to mass and silently said a prayer for those who had died. I was truly surprised to learn that in many countries, these "holy days" are truly celebrated - people actually take the day off work, go to cemeteries with candles and flowers, and give presents to children, usually sweets and toys and spend the entire day remembering those who have died.. Until I began researching the "Day of the Dead" and "All Souls Day", I didn’t realize that many, if not most, cultures around the world have a specific day set aside to visit the graves of deceased family members and their traditions often include celebrations, food and beverages, in addition to their open prayers and remembrances of the departed.

We all know that death is a part of life, it is something none of us can or will avoid; we will each lose family members and friends - then why is it, that so many people seem to avoid any aspect of the subject of death, never mind actually talking about a specific family member who has died.. And if you want to see real panic – mention your child who has died?? Is it me – why is it if I mention the names of any of my children who have died, panic seems to set in to those aound me.. they have funny looks on their faces? Do you get that same reaction?

There are times when I've mentioned that I’ve had children who have died, I immediately feel the chill!! And I know that most of those around me, hope I will quickly change the subject to the weather, sports or even the latest tabloid headline... anything - just change the subject!!!

So maybe that is why “The Day of the Dead” celebrations in Mexico, Latin and South America began to intrigue me... Did you know by the way that these celebrations, intended to celebrate and honor family members who have died, have gone on for as long as 2,500–3,000 years.

Did you know that typically November 1st (“Day of the Innocents” or “Day of the Little Angels”) honors children and infants; whereas deceased adults are honored on November 2nd, similar in the same Christian culture as All Souls Day.

During this time family and friends go to cemeteries to be with the souls of the departed, here or at home they will build private altars containing the favorite foods and beverages as well as photos and memorabilia of the departed, flowers and other gifts. They hope to encourage visits by the souls and they are anxious for the souls to hear the prayers, praise, comments and memories of the living directed to those who have died. How wonderful that some celebrations will take a humorous tone, as the living remember funny events and anecdotes about the departed.

These traditions vary in different regions, but almost all have different traditions for children who have died, verus adults. Typically on November 1st of the year after a child's death, the godparents set a table in the parents' home with sweets, fruits, pan de muerto, a cross, a rosary (used to ask the Virgin Mary to pray for them) and candles. This is meant to celebrate the child's life, in respect and appreciation for the parents. There is also dancing with colorful costumes, often with skull-shaped masks and devil masks in the plaza or garden of the town - then at midnight on November 2, the people light candles and if there is a lake or river near by, they wil sail winged boats called mariposas (Spanish for "butterflies") to the other side, to honor and celebrate the lives of their children...

In many American communities – especially Texas, Arizona and throughout the southwest where Mexican influence is very strong, Day of the Dead or All Souls Celebrations are held and they are very similar to those held in Mexico. As varied as the traditions may be - remembering those who have gone before them is the main focus. Yes they may build alters in their homes and burn candles; they might brightly decorate their loved ones place of rest; they always share memories of those who are gone; many will march together wearing masks and carrying signs honoring their dead; some may carry an urn in which people can place slips of paper with prayers on them to be burned for the souls for the dead – but the one thing they will do, this year and for years to come, that warms my heart, is to remember those who have gone before them – remember them and honor them...

Personally, I think that the “Day of the Dead” or “All Souls Day” should be a world-wide celebration – a day when we can openly celebrate and remember those who have gone before us.. Because to me, and for all of us who remain behind, knowing that our children and all family members, will always be remembered in the future, is a very comforting and peaceful thought...

So today, I will remember my children: Randee Marie, Robin Marie, and Bobby Wood and I will also remember your children - I will light a candle and keep it burning today in memory of all our children. I will rejoice in what they meant to each of us and celebrate that they were part of our lives and responsible for making us who and what we are today.. 

Yes today and for years to come, I will celebrate "Day of the Dead" and "All Souls Day" as it should be celebrated as a day of honor and remembrance... Cherie Houston

Halloween - The dreaded holiday season is about to begin

There is no doubt that from Halloween until after the New Year, many of us who are grieving can be totally overwhelmed with emotions... even if it's been quite some time since your child died, the memories or lack of them) can haunt us and bring us back to that painful place we try so hard to move from...  

During the next  11-12 weeks we will try to share articles & experiences (some of which we've published in the past) that might help each of us prepare for and get through this difficult time..  Know that you will get through it, but being prepared can help ease your heartache and hopefully find a little...Cherie Houston.

THAT TIME OF YEAR - By Mary Cleckley -BP/USA Member at Large

It’s Halloween time again. Is that thought bothering you? It probably is, particularly if you had a little one who would have been out doing a little tricking and getting a lot of treating that night.

Or, maybe your child was too small or didn’t live to see even one Halloween. That hurts too, doesn’t it?

Sometimes we grieve for what was and sometimes we grieve for what could have been.

Maybe, like me, your child was too old for conning neighbors into treats, but it still is a hard night in the beginning. All special days and nights are. If you have small children who need

to be a part of this special night, maybe a family member or a good friend will accompany them on their appointed rounds. They’ll enjoy the evening just as much and you can

“treat” yourself by choosing to stop the world and got off for a little while. 

If you have no children at home, this may be a good time to close up shop for that one night. Take in a movie – or stay at home and give no inviting signs that say you want to participate in the festivities of the evening.

Do what is comfortable for you. One day you will be able to enjoy treating the little ones again. This just may not be the year. Isn’t it good to know our needs and abilities change as time goes by?

From Halloween until after the new arrives, know and accept that this time of year can be overwhelming, especially the first few years after your child has died, no matter their age.  Go easy on yourself and try to be patient with others - remember those around us mean well as they “encourage” us to participate during the holiday season, but remember you need to do what is right for you and those who love you will understand…

Turning Tragedy into a Positive..

Thank you to Saundra Blanknship for sharing this story with us quite some time ago, that was published in her local Ft. Worth, TX paper several years ago..  Saundra saved it to give to her cousin who had just lost her little boy and shared it with us when she found our blog...hoping it might help ease the pain and give some hope to another grieving mom...

~ Written By Local Reporter Kyle Peveto 5.15.2008

For months after her 9-year-old son died in a bizarre car accident, Myra Dean remained in shock.  She took a job in Saipan, a commonwealth of the United States in the Pacific Ocean, and had no idea what to do with her grief until she read about the Compassionate Friends group in a Guam newspaper. The newsletters she received from the organization of bereaved parents helped her understand that she was not alone and that she would be forever changed.

When the StoryCorps Airstream trailer came to Abilene this spring, Dean's boyfriend insisted they reserve a spot to record her story. Her emotional telling of the death of her son Rich struck StoryCorps producers enough that they edited the 40-minute session into a shorter feature that is tentatively scheduled to run on National Public Radio's Morning Edition at 5:30 and 7:30 a.m. Friday.

"It's very raw. She talks about how painful it is. She talks about her feelings, about God and about how she overcame this over time. A bereaved parent is always a bereaved parent. The pain never leaves you," said Gary Jamison, Dean's boyfriend, who conducted the interview in March.

"It comes across on the (recording). It speaks to you; it pulls at your heartstrings."

While living in Kansas City, Kan., 31 years ago, Dean separated from her husband and moved into a home on a quiet street with her son. He was riding his bicycle one Friday evening in May when Dean was preparing to spend a night out with friends. When she went to pick up the baby sitter two blocks away, she left Rich riding his bicycle with his friend, telling him to watch for cars.

Returning, she saw a crowd near Rich's friend's house and an ambulance. Immediately, she knew it was her son. "Some people don't believe that you can know that," she said in her StoryCorps interview. "I don't know if it's the tie between a mother and children, or me and Rich in particular, but I knew."

Rich had been playing in the yard, watching the sunset, when an out-of-control car flipped over the hedge and landed on Rich and his friend. The friend was unscathed. Rich was crushed.

Her father died later that summer, and Dean felt amazed that no one understood her pain.

"Expectations are that in a year, you'll be better. But after the first year, the shock is just wearing off," she told the Reporter-News. "After that is the real roller-coaster ride."

Years later, after founding the first Compassionate Friends chapter in Abilene, she began speaking each semester to an Abilene Christian University class on death and dying. She tried to help the students empathize with a parent who has lost a child.

"When you lose your child, that was your future. ... Even genetically, I was a part of my parents, but they were not a part of me," she said in the interview. "Richard was genetically, physically part of me. And when I talk I always try to find ways to explain to people about the pain, and I say it's as if you've had an invisible amputation."  "At some point you get over the pity and say, 'This is life.'"

Jamison heard her speak last fall and encouraged her to write a book or tell the story to other bereaved parents. Then he scheduled the time with StoryCorps.  Dean said her life is "like a soap opera." She also has survived kidney cancer and bears an S-shaped scar from the surgery.

Tuesday was the 31st anniversary of Rich's death. For years, she remembered him painfully, but now she acknowledges the day.  Now, Dean is the development director for KACU, Abilene's NPR station at ACU. Next to her desk is a framed drawing by Rich of an ocean scene with blue whales and men swimming with tridents.

Rich's death changed her life.  She said she knows she will never "get over" his death, but she has learned to live with his memory.

The Journey Group Meetings resume this Thursday Oct. 24th 10am-12N - Join Us

For mom's in the Lake Havasu City area, we are pleased to let you know that The Journey Group will begin meeting for the Fall 2013 thru Spring 2014 sessions on Thursday 10/24 at 10 a.m. until noon at the Lake Havasu City Aquatic Center, Rooms 153 & 154.  

A schedule of up-coming sessions will be part of your 10/24 hand-out material.  Please make note of the dates and we will also note reminders of the dates here as well..

If you have a friend or know someone who is a bereaved Mother, PLEASE email or phone me.  I will make contact with her, personally inviting her to the Journey Group.  I will follow up by sending a letter and brochure.  

Also, IF you have any suggestions you would like to make for the meetings........I.E. something special you think we should do;  a project we might consider to review........PLEASE get in touch with me.  This is YOUR GROUP........not just mine.  We can do anything we choose to do to celebrate our children.   I am totally open to new and fresh ideas.   I welcome hearing from you.

Our 7th Annual Retreat will be held at the Stagecoach Trails Guest Ranch the weekend of Friday 2/21/14.......Sunday 2/23/14.   Theme is "MY HEART WILL GO ON".....     Retreat information and registration forms will be available at the first meeting.  

The annual "Lights of Love" Candlelight Ceremony  will be held the 2nd Sunday of the month of December.   Location will be Calvary Baptist LHC and the date is 12/08/13 @ 6:00 p.m.  More details will follow.   PLEASE mark your calendars. 

With this said.......I hope to see each one of you soon.  Remember in Jer. 31:13  God promises HE will turn our mourning into JOY !!!    Expect it...........Look for it!!!   It is there!!!  You just have to accept it.    

Blessings, Love and PEACE in your lives ,  Joyce Floyd

Death is nothing at all...................

Death is nothing at all

~ by Henry Scott-Holland, Canon of St. Paul’s - 1847-1913

Death is nothing at all…

I have only slipped away into the next room…

I am I and you are you…

whatever we were to each other that we are still.

Call me by my old familiar name,

speak to me in the easy way which you always used.

Put no difference into your tone;

wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Pray, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.

Let it be spoken without effect,

without the ghosts of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.

It is the as it ever was;

there is absolutely unbroken continuity.

What is this death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you, for an interval,

somewhere very near just around the corner…

All is well.

Will it ever be the same again?

Sorry, but it can never be the same again...   (author unknown)

When a child of ours has died, or any one else whom we love for that matter, we hope and even pray that things will somehow be the same…that our life – our family – will get back to “normal”  As time goes on, we realize that “it will never be the same.”  We will always miss our loved one who has died.  At special holidays and family gatherings, there is always one person missing.  Some family members and friends assume that we are back to normal.  They just do not understand.

Once the horrific initial shock and sense of total denial of the initial few months begin to pass, the enormous and sad reality begins to become clear and for most of us, that is the time that seems the most difficult.  Our grief seems unbearable and we wonder if our heartache and sorrow is our new reality.  But life does go on and we don’t have a choice – we will and must go through this. 

What seems to complicate our grief is that once a few months have passed, many of those around us – our friend, co-workers and even family members, feel we are “getting better” and “moving on” but we know that’s so far from the truth – we are simply surviving and existing or when we don’t “get over it quickly enough” many people who we assumed would be there for us, pull away out f their own frustration of no knowing how and what to do to help us.  This is so common.  It is believed that this can be attributed in part to a general lack of knowledge of what grief is, leading to unrealistic expectations being placed on those who are grieving.  Sometimes it is helpful to communicate about our loss with someone new, since some old friends often just want us to return to our old selves again, which is unrealistic on their part.

So many times during the first year of mourning, especially following the holidays or anniversary of the death, those around us, as well as those of us who are grieving, may expect that everything will finally be OK and get better…  Be careful not to expect too much; because if and when things don’t magically “get better” many become discouraged.  

There is and never will be a timetable for grief – it is different for each and every person on this journey and different for each and every time the journey is made…  So be gentle with yourself and those around you..  It’s best not to have unrealistic expectations and remind yourself over and over again, there is no timetable for grief.. 

Anger & Guilt are very normal emotions

Anger & Guilt are normal emotions

~ by Judith Rollins, Ph.D.-Department of Family and Human Development, Utah State University

The death of a child, at any age or for any reason, is probably the most traumatic event that parents must endure. In this current society, with its medical advances, people expect to die in a predictable sequence. Simply put, parents should die before their children. When some tragic circumstance changes this order, parents are bewildered, not only by the overwhelming grief for the loss of the child, but also by the seeming unfairness of the death.

The cause of the child’s death does not seem to affect the amount of grief that parents experience over time. A child’s death following a long illness appears to be just as difficult for parents as a death due to a sudden accident. Also, most parents grieve as intensely for a very young child as they grieve for an older child.

For bereaved parents, there is no “standard” grief period. Compared to all other crises, the recovery period following a child’s death appears to take the longest amount of time. It is important for parents to understand that they are not abnormal if they experience periods of sadness and grief for many years afterward. And two of the most common and often lingering emotions may be anger & guilt.

Anger - Initially, many parents feel very angry. This anger may occur because the child’s death seems so unfair and parents feel so helpless. The anger may be directed towards oneself, one’s spouse, the medical profession, an outsider, or even God. Parents often look for someone to blame, even each other, so they can “make sense” out of a needless loss. When anger and blame can be openly expressed, they usually give way to the more rational feelings of loss and grief. It is best to acknowledge the anger one feels and try to determine the source of the anger rather than deny the feelings. Repressed anger may resurface later as depression.  If talking about angry feelings with one’s spouse is difficult, perhaps a third person, such as a counselor, minister or support group, might help minimize the stress of such an encounter and hopefully direct the negative feelings to their appropriate source.

Guilt - Guilt is another emotion that parents often feel. Society expects parents to be able to protect their children, and a child’s death may make the parents feel they have failed in this responsibility. Fathers may wish they had spent more time with the child, or mothers may feel guilty if they were employed outside the home. The child’s every unfulfilled wish may be remembered with guilt. This type of guilt is usually irrational. It is important that parents be able to discuss these guilty feelings as they occur and to understand that the child’s death was unrelated to the events that have caused their guilty feelings.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is no question - the death of a child is the most overwhelming grief possible - the loss of a child is unlike any other loss. Be patient with yourself - adjusting to life without your child is an ongoing process.  There will be time when your grief journey seems slower than it should be and that's OK.  There will be times in the months and years ahead when WHAM!! out of the blue you are overwhelmed again with grief and that's OK.  All of this is normal - the journey of grief is different for each of us..

Finding meaning in life

Finding meaning in life..

Special thanks to Paula Simmons for sharing this with us from the www.cancer.net site she visits often, since the death of her 9 year old daughter Mariah in the fall of 2008.  The article was entitled "Grieving the Loss of A Child: - June 2009

Parents whose children have died say that they never really “get over” the death of a child, but rather learn to live with the loss.

The death of a child can force parents to rethink their priorities and reexamine the meaning of life. It may seem impossible to newly grieving parents, but parents do go on to find happiness and reinvest in life again.

An important step for many parents is to create a legacy for their child and make their child's life, no matter how short, have a more complete purpose. Parents may choose to honor their child by volunteering at a local hospital or a cancer support organization. Parents may work to support interests their child once had, start a memorial fund, or plant trees in their child’s memory. It is important to remember that it is never disloyal to the deceased child to re-engage in life and to find pleasure in new experiences.

Every child changes the lives of his or her parents. Children show us new ways to love, new things to find joy in, and new ways look to at the world.

A part of each child’s legacy is that the changes he or she brings to a family continue after the child's death. The memories of joyful moments you spent with your child and the love you shared will live on and always be a part of you.

  

Sometimes I just need to cry..

Sometimes I Just Need to Cry!

~ Martha Honn, Bereaved Mom, BP/USA, So. IL Chapter (8.12.2006)

I feel that I am a very fortunate woman. Outwardly that may not be the first comment others would tend to make about me.

You see there has been quite a bit of pain in my life. When I was eight years old my father died by suicide and I was the one who found him. My first child was born with spina bifida. We were told he probably wouldn’t survive, but as I write this I will tell you he is almost 32 years old. However, he has had to endure many corrective surgeries and gets around in a wheelchair. My mother was diagnosed with a brain tumor and we anxiously waited to hear the outcome of that surgery. My mother survived with the only adverse effect being her loss of smell. My marriage ended in divorce after 20 years. The marriage wasn’t all bad, but I felt it slowly died during our last five years together. As a single mother of three I found life financially challenging even though I worked full time. Then in 1999 my youngest child died suddenly in an automobile accident.

I grieved and cried after each painful experience. The intense pain I felt the first few years after my son’s death has grown softer over the years. The pain in now part of the person I am today. The events that occurred prior to my son’s death played a part in preparing me for what was to come. Perhaps those previous painful experiences allowed me to acquire an inner strength that even I did not know I possessed.

I have learned the importance of releasing the pressure that builds up inside when I experience something painful in my life. I didn’t learn this overnight. Sometimes I did things wrong or in unhealthy ways before I learned to handle what life handed me in a more healthy way. I seem to be a student of the School of Hard Knocks. Crying and talking it out seem to work best for me. It allows me to periodically release the pressure I carry inside me.

In 2003 I remarried. While I couldn’t have asked for a more compassionate and understanding man, he is typical in his desire to fix whatever needs fixing. When I cry he so desperately wants to get me over the hump quickly. It’s hard for him to see me hurting so badly.

I have tried to help him understand the “pressure cooker effect” by explaining that if I don’t periodically release the pressure I will explode. We both came from farm backgrounds and both our mothers canned to preserve fresh food for our families using pressure cookers. Steam was periodically released from the pressure cooker. If the pressure was not released periodically, the lid blew off. I’m just like that pressure cooker because I need to periodically release the pressure. A good cry releases that pent-up pressure.

After a good cry I usually feel tired, but much better. Crying is a much needed release. It’s too bad more people don’t know about the pressure cooker effect. Maybe people would regard crying differently then. Yes, sometimes I just need to cry!

On a child's death...

ON A CHILD'S DEATH

~ Virginia Ellis ~

All heaven was in mourning,
The day that young man died;
When He closed His eyes, they said,
Ten thousand angels cried.

The angels shed their many tears,
Because He was God's Son;
But there is a special sadness,
When God takes the very young.

At times like that, I question God,
Why let a child die?
I cannot understand it,
And I need to ask Him why.

I, too, have heard the angels cry,
I've heard them cry first hand;
For I, too, gave up a child,
And I've tried hard to understand.

Yes, I received God's comfort,
Though I'm grateful, I want more;
I want reasons;  I want meaning,
I am a parent who's heart-sore.

God can give, and God can take,
I am well aware of this;
But, why my baby ... why my child?
Why did God put him on His list?

Did I love my child too much?
Was he too good for this old earth?
Had his purpose here been filled?
Was that why he was taken first?

I awake each day with questions,
I fall asleep at night, the same;
So many times I ask God why,
I'm both saddened and ashamed.

But then, in reflective moments,
When my prayers are most intense,
One word keeps going through my mind,
Patience ... patience ... patience.

Maybe now is not the time,
To explain this great heartache;
Even if I knew God's reasons,
What difference would it make?

Can't I just be grateful,
For any time we had?
Accept God's action without question?
Why is that so very bad?

What's my hurry ... why my pressure?
Is my faith not strong enough?
God will explain it when He's ready,
Surely I can trust that much.

God understands my broken heart,
He, too, gave up a Son;
He knows the pain of one lost child,
He weeps with me, and we are one.

Just as I talk to God each day,
I talk to my precious child;
I blow him kisses, and I say,
"See you, honey, in a while."

To all the moms who lost their children on 911.. we remember you and them...

Special thanks to Deeana Gambretti from Cherry Hill New Jersey for sharing this with us to remember all the moms and children impacted by these horrific acts... you are in our thoughts and prayers...

It will never be the same...

Unrealistically we hope that things will somehow be the same…that our life – our family – will get back to “normal”  As time goes on, we realize that “it will never be the same.”  We will always miss our loved one who has died.  At special holidays and family gatherings, there is always one person missing.  Some family members and friends assume that we are back to normal.  They just do not understand.

Once the horrific initial shock and sense of total denial of the initial few months begin to pass, the enormous and sad reality begins to become clear and for most of us, that is the time that seems the most difficult.  Our grief seems unbearable and we wonder if our heartache and sorrow is our new reality.  But life does go on and we don’t have a choice – we will and must go through this. 

What seems to complicate our grief is that once a few months have passed, many of those around us – our friend, co-workers and even family members, feel we are “getting better” and “moving on” but we know that’s so far from the truth – we are simply surviving and existing or when we don’t “get over it quickly enough” many people who we assumed would be there for us, pull away out f their own frustration of no knowing how and what to do to help us.  This is so common.  It is believed that this can be attributed in part to a general lack of knowledge of what grief is, leading to unrealistic expectations being placed on those who are grieving.  Sometimes it is helpful to communicate about our loss with someone new, since some old friends often just want us to return to our old selves again, which is unrealistic on their part.

So many times during the first year of mourning, especially following the holidays or anniversary of the death, those around us, as well as those of us who are grieving, may expect that everything will finally be OK and get better…  Be careful not to expect too much; because if and when things don’t magically “get better” many become discouraged.  There is and never will be a timetable for grief – it is different for each and every person on this journey and different for each and every time the journey is made…  So be gentle with yourself and those around you..  It’s best not to have unrealistic expectations and remind yourself over and over again, there is no timetable for grief.. 

~~ Author Unknown

In Memory of You - Happy 40th Birthday to my son

40 Years ago today, my son Robert (Bobby) W. Wood was born to our family, joining his big brother Ric who was 2 1/2 years older.. Bobby was born at St. Paul's Hospital in Dallas, Texas at 4:36pm ..  Bobby was often teased that he was our replacement child and maybe in some ways he was.. Bobby was born a little more than a year after our daughter Robin Marie had died and 2 years after Ric's twin, our first daughter Randee Marie had died..  Thank God we didn't know, that shortly after Bobby's 36th birthday, which we celebrated at our home with his wife and children, that on September 19th, 2009 he would choose to end his life - leaving his wife Jennifer and  beautiful little boys, who were only 5 & 6 at the time and countless family and friends who loved him.....

Next month we will celebrate that 4th memorial anniversary with a memorial mass, a tradition observed by the Catholic Church and something we arranged would be done for the first 5 years after his death..  But quite honestly, not a tradition I will carry on after next year (and one I truly wish I had not begun)..  I don't want to remember the day he died, or for that matter the months leading up to his death.

No, instead as of today, it is today that I will remember and all the days, months and years that came after his birth...I need to remember his life - all the happy wonderful times - those 13,172 days that he was with us - making us smile, making memories and being part of our family....  That is the tradition that I vow to celebrate & memorialize in the years to come...  So Happy 40th Birthday in Heaven in Bobby.. we love and miss you very much and and this "Is in Memory of You"... XXOO Your Mom, Cherie Houston

In Memory Of You

~ by  M.S. Lowndes

We want to always remember

The beautiful life you lived

And keep alive the memories we have

Through remembering what you did

For you're so special to all of us

A wonderful person indeed

Your love, laughter and warm smile

Reflected a heart that believed

Just in the everyday things we do

We remember your faith and love

In the words you spoke to help us through

Is a continued reminder for us

Although we miss you so very much

We know we'll see you once more

For this is the hope we have in God

Being re-united in the Lord

And as we gather we'll continue to share

Special times we went through

For these are memories that warm our hearts

As we honor the memory of you