There's no doubt that many of us try to believe that "in time" our grief will be gone - but those of us who've been on this Journey thru Grief, can tell you that even after many years, there will be times (often when you least expect it) that you will feel sadness and pain... Bobby's death certainly reminds me continually how much I miss his 2 little sisters who died in 1971 and 1972... We also learn to accept the fact that our grief will never be gone it will just get softer...
It's been 43 months since my 36 year old son Bobby died, and as many of your know my husband Dan and I spend 7 months in Arizona and the summer and month of December in New England with our children and 9 (soon to be 11) amazing grandkids...
Last night as we flew from Vegas back to Boston, out of nowhere, that dreaded sneak attack of grief reared it's ugly head.. I have to admit this happens from time to time when I least expect it...
I wonder if it's just easier for me to "pretend" when we're in Arizona that everything is at it should be back in New England, nothing's changed, but as our plane grew closer to Boston thru the night, and knowing we'd be back with our family within hours ~ the sad reality that Bobby won't be there this morning, as he always was, to great us and POW...it hit like a ton of bricks...Fortunately on the red eye 1am flight, most people are sleeping, including my husband, so it was easier to allow myself to give in to the grief and heartache...
But I then realized that it's becoming easier for me to refocus my grief to the joy on Bobby's wonderful life, his infectious smile and all that he has left for us including his beautiful 2 little boys who are now 9 & 10... With time, I'm learning that the more I focus on his life, instead of his death, I'm able to catch my breath, dry my tears, smile and know it's time to continue moving forward... and accept and look forward to my step-son Douglas, being at the airport with our youngest granddaughter Jacobi, and I remind myself how blessed I am...
I finally got it last night, the name of our moms group... "The Journey from Mourning to Joy:... that's what I was experiencing....
It is amazing how the smallest reminder of our child - a smell, song, photo or a memory from out of nowhere, can send us into an unexpected tailspin. With time however, as we continue to gain strength and knowledge "that we will get thru this", we each will find ways to cope when our "grief" sneaks back up on us...
Be prepared. Anniversary& specific event reactions are normal, but in time you'll find ways to turn them into opportunities for healing. For example, you might find yourself dreading an upcoming special day, fearful of being overwhelmed by painful memories and emotions, but again, in time, we often find that the anticipation of the "days" are worse than the actual day itself.
Remember the best and try not to focus on the day and events of their death In time, and it's not easy, I hope you can find yourself focusing on all the wonderful memories - even with my little girls who were so young - Randee died within hours of her birth and Robin died before her 1st birthday, Bobby had just turned 36, but despite all the heartache experienced from their deaths, I wouldn't give any of it up - they have each made me who I am today and I love them for it..
Start a new tradition in your loved one's memory. Bobby's 2 little boys (and now their cousins) have come to believe that dragonfly's represent Bobby's spirit, and planting a tree at their home, and our home in New England & in Arizona in his honor have been a few of the ways we keep his memory alive..
Connect with others. Draw friends and loved ones close to you, including people who were special to your child. Find someone who'll encourage you to talk about your loss. Stay connected to your usual support systems, such as spiritual leaders and social groups and of course, I think support groups, such as our Journey from Mourning to Joy Group in Lake Havasu, or one in your area, such as The Compassionate Friends or Bereaved Parents, can help us in so many ways...
Allow yourself to feel a range of emotions. I have learned since the deaths of my three children that it's OK and very normal to be sad and feel a sense of loss, but with time it's also very important to experience joy and happiness-especially if you've been blessed with a wonderful family and friends. As you celebrate special times, you might find yourself both laughing and crying, and that is normal.
A very wise woman (Joyce Floyd) once told me, Grief is not a sign of weakness-nor loss of faith, it is simply the price of love.. and how right she is!!!
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