~ by Debbie Weir, MADD National Director of Victim Services
When grandparents experience the death of a grandchild, they must grieve even as they help their own children cope with the loss. Cathy Hefflinger and Barb Anderson understand grief. In fact, they understand a particularly debilitating grief many people never consider, few books have been written about and hardly anyone discusses.
It is a sorrow that cuts to the core of one’s being. An upwelling of suffering that brings frustration, helplessness, guilt and anger. It is the death of your child’s child, your grandchild. It’s unbearable because it is two-sided—bringing with it the pain of your grandchild’s death and the innate urge as a parent to protect your own child from the pain of grief.
But grandparents who experience this double-edged grief don’t have to suffer in silence. They can be a tremendous source of strength for their children, while helping themselves along in their own healing journey.
Trying to take away the hurt ~ As a parent, you have an inherent instinct to protect your children from harm and pain. And throughout their lives, you do just that. You kiss away the pain of a scraped knee, wipe away the tears of a broken heart and arm them with love as they venture into the world. But when your child is suddenly facing the pain brought on by the death of his or her child, it can leave you feeling helpless. It is a pain that you, as a parent, cannot fix. And at the same time, it is a pain that you, as a grandparent, are sharing.
Pain from both sides ~ According to Margaret H. Gerner, author of For Bereaved Grandparents, a supportive booklet published by the Centering Corporation, the overwhelming frustration and helplessness bereaved grandparents feel are caused by the knowledge that this is one pain that can’t just be “kissed away.” Bereaved grandparents who watch their once carefree children struggle with sorrow and pain may wonder, “Where is my power now? Where is my bag of tricks that will make it all better?”
According to Gerner, a grandparent’s grief is like a fork with two tines—one representing the loss of a grandchild, the other representing the pain of your own child’s suffering. You must work through your own grief, and, at the same time, help your bereaved child work through his or her grief. The two paths are complicated because you have to deal with them simultaneously.
“I feel that grandparents suffer a double grief,” Cathy says. “Every day is new because you don’t know what to expect. Is Teresa going to have a good day or bad day? Will I focus on her today or will I focus on my grief today?” According to Gerner, as a parent of a grieving child, you have the opportunity to help in ways no one else can—you can make a difference.
Read the entire article which was published in “Let Life In” a publication for those of us over 50 , on their website November 24th, 2007:
http://www.letlifein.com/2007/11/24/when-grandparents-experience-the-death-of-a-grandchild
"Thank you for this article. It addresses all of the issues that I have been going through since the death of my 6 month old grandson from cancer. He was diagnosed at the age of 7 weeks and battled for almost five months. I grieve for him but also for my son. My son and his wife are amazingly strong which helps me but I am still so sad. I don't believe that most people realize the double grief of a grandparent.
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