~ by Debbie Weir, MADD National Director of Victim Services
Listen to your bereaved child - Bereaved parents need to talk about their child, and they need someone who will listen and not feel uncomfortable. It can be difficult to listen to someone who is ravaged with grief. And often, we can get too preoccupied thinking about what we are going to say to offer comfort. For many people, there is an overwhelming need to alleviate the agony of the grief. The motive is noble but the method is wrong. Rather than doing all the talking, allowing the brokenhearted person to talk can actually go further in helping to heal his or her spirit.
According to Gerner, if you really listen, you’ll understand, and listening is not filling every silence. Listening is the greatest gift you can give your child. If they can’t speak about it directly and choose to communicate by writing letters, emails or other – that’s fine also – just let them speak.
There are times when there are no words, and that’s OK because it’s more important to be there and listen.”
Talk about your grandchild ~ Gerner says that talking about your grandchild tells your child that you care. If tears come, it’s because they’re sad, not because their child’s name was brought up. It can be painful, but talking about the child is healing and therapeutic. You may feel disoriented, but talking can help; talk even though you know there are no answers.
It helps to remember that there is no timetable for grief. Sometimes there are too many expectations regarding how or when someone is grieving. Don’t expect too much of your grieving child, his or her spouse, or yourself. Remember, The hurt is deep, you wonder how you’re going to climb out of it – But you do, and you begin to see your child and yourself start to live again. That’s when you know there is hope with faith.
Consider your needs and those of your bereaved child - A grandparent’s grief may not be recognized by his or her own child or others, but it is definitely there. It is vital for bereaved grandparents to give themselves permission to grieve and to focus on their own needs.
Grandparents often are referred to as “the forgotten grievers.” They think they should cope better, have all the answers, control the situation and be a role model. But these types of expectations are unrealistic and unhealthy.
Survival guilt and anger ~ No one expects to outlive his own children, much less his grandchildren. And, according to Gerner, reactions of guilt and anger often are intermingled. In fact, grandparents often experience survival guilt because it seems unnatural for a grandparent to outlive his or her grandchild, and they often express the wish that they “could change places” with the deceased child.
Hope for a better day - Bereaved grandparents learn to live without their grandchildren, but there always will be the “might have beens.” That is absolutely normal.
Each day, bereaved grandparents look for a little ray of sunshine to show on their bereaved child’s face. As time goes by and the healing process begins, a ray of hope will shine on your child’s face in his or her smile. There always will be a part of each of you that is gone, but in time you can learn to live with the part that is still there.
Read the entire article which was published in “Let Life In” a publication for those of us over 50, on their website November 24th, 2007:
http://www.letlifein.com/2007/11/24/when-grandparents-experience-the-death-of-a-grandchild
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