Getting thru the holidays - one day at a time

Our son Bobby died a little more than a year ago on September 19, 2009.  Looking back, last year during our first holiday season without Bobby, most of it is a total blur, although I do remember dreading them and wishing I could blink and have them over.  Christmas for our family, has always been the most wonderful time of year with countless traditions.  But even now, a year later, despite wonderful memories, thoughts of the impending christmas holidays bring overwhelming saddness and a flood of tears...

I was recently looking at some of the cards we received and found a note from a student and dear friend, remdining me that it was OK to feel as though I wanted to just sleep through the holidays and yes, she knew and understood that the memories of happier holidays past would probably cause what felt like overwhelming grief - and she was right.

She was also kind enough to send me a few suggestions she though might help me survive the next few holidays seasons.  I want to share them with you... because whether or not you lost your child in the last few months of last few decades, my dear friend was right - the impending holidays and memories of holidays past can be painful and stressful, as well as joyful....

So as this Hanukkah and Christmas holiday season begins, I hope these tips will help ease your saddness... Cherie Houston

Yes, it's normal and often helps to:

• Expect to have some pain. When the feelings come, let them.
• Accept a few invitations to be with close family or friends. Choose the ones that sound most appealing at the time and avoid the ones that feel more like obligation
• Talk about your feelings - It's alright and helps to let people know if you're having a tough day
• Incorporate your child into the holidays - maybe share favorite stories over dinner or make a toast or light a candle in remembrance, maybe make a donation in their name - some families find it helpful to write them a note, christmas letter or poem
• Find a way to help someone else - consider making a meal for someone who is homebound or out of work, consider volunteering to help in a shelter or soup kitchen, consider "adopting" a family or child to buy presents or food for.
• Modify or make new traditions if that's what feels right. Just remember to include others who are grieving, especially your childs siblings or children, in the decision
• If the idea of holiday shopping overwhelms you, buy gifts online or through catalogs
• Replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Try to remind yourself that "In spite of loss, I will try to enjoy this season."
• Prepare yourself for January. Sometimes the aftermath of the holidays can bring more sadness than the holidays themselves.  The thought of a new year that your child will never be alive for can be overwhelming 

Try not to...

• Hide your feelings from children in an effort to be strong for them or protect them. You'll only be teaching them to deny their own feelings.
• Isolate yourself from family and friends. Although you may not feel much like celebrating, accept a few invitations
• Don't go overboard trying to accept every invitation or throw yourself into work in an effort to keep busy. It may only add more stress
• Expect to go through defined stages of grief - there is no set pattern - we are each different and our relationships and how we will deal with our giref will be very unique
• Act as if your loved one never lived - don't avoid talking about them, they are a very important part of your life
• Not to cry and pretend that everything is just FINE!!  It's not and remember that "Crying is like the valve on a pressure cooker. It lets the steam out" 

May you find peace in your heart and smiles and joy in your memories...