The Grief Of The Parents: A Lifetime Journey

From website: http://www.athealth.com/consumer/disorders/parentalgrief.html

This article, was sent to me a few months after my son Bobby died in Sept. 2009. This article, like some others I have received since Bobby’s death, is one that I refer to it often…

The following is an excerpt"their conclusion" of the article. To me it seems to summarize well what so many of us know from our experience ~ I wish others, who are fortunate enough to never experience this loss, could comprehend in some small way the impact of our loss - the death of a child is different, very different, from any other loss we will ever experience… Cherie Houston

Children are valuable and precious symbols of what lies ahead. Children are considered the hope of the future. When a child dies, that hope is lost.

Two universals stand out when reflecting on parental grief-a child's death is disorienting, and letting go of a child is impossible. Parents never forget a child who dies. The bond they formed with their child extends beyond death. As survivors, bereaved parents try to adapt to the new existence forced on them. They try to pass on to others the love and other special gifts they received from their child; they try to make the child who died a part of their lives forever; they constantly try to "honor the child who should have lived" (Finkbeiner 1996, xiv). Bereaved parents encourage others who care for and about them to do the same. They ask others to help them, to be for them "a lifeline of support, a lifeline to survival [and to understand]...the crying of their souls" (Donnelly 1982, ix).

Bereaved parents say, "Our children are in our blood; the bond with them doesn't seem to break [and they attempt to] find subtle and apparently unconscious ways of preserving that bond" (Finkbeiner 1996, xiii, xiv). Bereaved parents need to do this to deal with what seems like an endless roadblock of loss and sadness. One bereaved parent expressed it by saying that the wound heals, but the scar remains forever.

What has happened to these parents has changed their lives; they will never see life the same way; they will never be the same people. As they attempt to move forward, bereaved parents realize they are survivors and have been strong enough to endure what is probably life's harshest blow. By addressing their grief and coping with it, they struggle to continue this journey while making this devastating loss part of their own personal history, a part of their life's story, a part of their very being.

Prayer for our Moms

I found this prayer (author unknown) and thought it appropriate for the upcoming Mothers Retreat Weekend - So, for all our mom’s attending our 4^th annual retreat this weekend (and for any of the mom's who won't be) I believe our common goal is to find peace and joy in the memories of our children as we continue to honor their memories by living our lives to the fullest.. Cherie Houston

My life is upside down, loving God. The order of the world is out of place and I can’t do anything to right it again. Oh, Lord, you know the pain in my heart at all times and you know why: my child has died. How can it be that my beloved child is gone? The child I cared for with such concern in every illness, the one I held close to my heart and promised to take care of for a lifetime, is not here for me to care for anymore. It hurts deeply that I wasn’t able to protect this child I love with my whole being from a death that seems so unfair.

Let me feel calm. Let me breathe deeply. Be with me in this kind of deep and transformative pain. I now carry this darkness with me on my back and in my heart, always. It is my burden and my companion.

Lord, there is not a single minute of my life when this loss is not etched so keenly into my brain and heart, whether it is in the middle of a busy day or in those choking moments of grief in the solitary dark of night. Let me be grateful for every minute we had together. Let me treasure those memories and find joy in them.

Help me to deal with people better. They don’t know what to say. They stumble and look away when they see me. They pretend nothing has happened. I know they “don’t want to remind me” but they don’t understand it is with me always, always.

Teach me, Lord. Tell me what you want me to do with this. What am I supposed to learn from this kind of pain? What are you calling me to do?

Open my battered heart and lead me to comfort and peace. Only you can give me the peace I need. Let me feel your presence in my life.

Angels Kiss

~Author Unknown

We go through life so often

Not stopping to enjoy the day,

And we take each one for granted

As we travel on our way.

We never stop to measure

Anything we just might miss,

But if the wind should blow by softly

You'll feel an angel's kiss.

A kiss that is sent from Heaven

A kiss from up above,

A kiss that is very special

From someone that you love.

For in your pain and sorrow

An angel's kiss will help you through,

This kiss is very private

For it is meant for only you.

So when your hearts are heavy

And filled with tears and pain,

And no one can console you

Remember once again.....

About the ones you grieve for

Because you sadly miss

And the gentle breeze you took for granted

Was just......... "an angel's kiss."

THE MYTH OF CLOSURE

by Ashley Davis Prend, ACSW, Hospice of North Idaho

When will I begin to feel better? When will I return to normal? When will I achieve some closure?” grievers often ask. Closure, our culture tells us, will bring about a tidy ending, a sense of completion. Some grievers hope that the desired magical closure will occur after the funeral or memorial service. Others are confident it will come once they have cleared out their loved one’s room. Or maybe after a special personal ritual. Or perhaps after the first anniversary comes and goes—“surely then, we will have closure,” we think. We pray.

The reason we long for closure, of course, is because we would like to nearly seal away all of this pain. We would like to close all of the sad, confused, desperate, angry feelings out of our life. We would like to put all of this behind us. Closure. What an odd concept really, as if we could truly close the door on pain—turn the lock and throw away the key. The truth is far more complex, of course.

Closure is for business deals. Closure is for real estate transactions. Closure is not for feelings or for people we love. Closure simply does not exist emotionally, not in a pure sense. We cannot close the door on the past as if it didn’t exist because, after losing someone dear to us, we never forget that person or the love we shared. And in some ways, we never entirely get over the loss. We learn to live with the loss, to integrate it into our new identity. Imagine if we really could end this chapter in our life, completely. It would mean losing our memories, our connections to those we love.

If we really found closure, it would ironically hurt even more because the attachment would be severed. And this attachment is vital to us—the memories are treasures to be held close, not closed out. Perhaps it is better to think in terms of healing. Yes, we can process our pain and move to deeper and deeper levels of healing. Yes, we can find ways to move on and channel our pain into productive activities. Yes, we can even learn to smile again and laugh again and love again. But let’s not ever think that we’ll close the door completely on what this loss means, for if we did that, we would unwittingly close the door on all the love that we shared. And that would truly be a loss too terrible to bear.

Update on Don Floyd

Sadly, the news about Don is not as good as we'd all hoped - so more than ever your prayers and good thoughts are needed.

Much to their disappointment, the doctors have explained that the cancer in Don's lung is very aggressive and very advanced - Stage 4, and although it is treatable, it is not curable and concern is it may have already begun to move to the brain. They will return to Mayo early next week for a MRI Brain Scan but know already that the first step will be to begin aggressive chemotherapy. Radiation may be done at a later time to reduce the largest tumor, but sadly there are too many tumors to address with radiation.

There is hopeful news: Don has NO symptoms and this is a good sign, and those who know Don, know how strong a man he is physically, as well as emotionally and without any doubt - he is incredibly strong in his faith. And he has tremendous support from his family, friends and his adoring wife, Joyce... They know that God is with them and they will continue to rely on the strength that can only come from Him.

Don, Joyce and their entire family know and appreciate the power of prayer and know that your warm thoughts are with them. They truly appreciate our understanding for their need for privacy right now and are so grateful that they've not been inundated with calls and visits, so that they can continue to concentrate on the tasks at hand..

So we ask that you and your families continue to keep them in your prayers and we will keep you posted..

Hummingbirds & our BLOG

Hummingbirds: To many they represent a message from heaven and in in many cultures that has powerful spiritual significance.


Many of our moms find great comfort in the presence of the hummingbirds, so when I found this background, I knew it was perfect for our blog…I hope you will agree and enjoy the new look of our blog… As always, I welcome your input… Cherie Houston

I thought it would be interesting to find out a little more about these beautiful creatures and this is some of what I found…

Hummingbirds are a common Animal Totem and these magical beings are most often viewed as a symbol of joy, happiness and love and come to awaken us to the beauty of the present moment.

Hummingbirds are native to the mountains of South America and are seen as a symbol of resurrection. Early Spanish explorers gave the hummingbird the name Joyas voladoras, which means, "flying jewel".

In Mexico, there is a common folk belief that the Colibri (hummingbird) bring luck in love and romance. Stuffed hummingbirds were once worn in ancient times as lucky charms to help the lovelorn.

In Central America, the hummingbird held a great place of honor with the Aztecs, who decorated their ceremonial cloaks with hummingbird feathers. The Aztec chieftains wore hummingbird earrings and the priests had staves decorated with hummingbird feathers. It's said they used these to draw out the evil of people who had been cursed by sorcerers.

In Aztec mythology, hummingbirds and butterflies were believed to be the reincarnated spirits of those who have died. Huitzilopochtli was the Aztec god of the Sun and war and was represented as the hummingbird. Huitzilopochtli means "Blue Hummingbird on the Left" or “hummingbird from the left." The "left" is the location of the spirit world. Huitzilopochtli was depicted as a blue man fully armed and with his head decorated with hummingbird feathers.

Another widespread belief is that hummingbirds, in some way, are messengers between worlds.

The hummingbird serves to remind us of the beauty and wonder of the world. Hummingbird medicine brings the songs of joy and love to our spirit. With hummingbird medicine, we are able to have a carefree, loving heart and take pleasure in the beauty of life. Hummingbirds help pull our awareness out of the mundane so that we can recognize and value the magnificence of this creature..

The Chayma people of Trinidad thought that hummingbirds were their dead ancestors and so forbid the harming of the creatures. In Jamaica they are called “doctor birds”

Overall, Hummingbirds are considered a good omen. If you see one, you can expect that something good is going to happen to you very soon. It is also a sign of spring. It is said that Hummingbirds die each autumn only to reborn in the spring, and hummingbirds migrate across great bodies of water by hitching rides on the backs of geese.

Whatever you believe – I think we all agree that they can bring a sense of peace of wonderment as we watch them – similar to the feeling of wonderment we experience remembering and our children…

Mourning a Lost Child - A Psychologist's Grief

Grieving the Death of Your Son or Daughter by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen


Mourning a lost child never gets easier, but it might be comforting to know you're not alone in grieving the death of your son or daughter. If you're suffering through death of your child, you might not feel so alone when you gather with other mothers who are also mourning their lost children.

Here is an excerpt from Charlotte Mathes' book, called And a Sword Shall Pierce Your Heart Moving from Despair to Meaning After the Death of a Child.

Mourning a Lost Child - A Psychologist and Mother Shares Her Grief ~ When a child dies, we lose our commonsense faith in life's predictability. The unanticipated early death cuts through what we have formerly assumed is a natural order of things, shaking the very foundation of our living. When a son or daughter dies, all we believed comes into question and we feel as if we have no standpoint.

There is a saying to the effect that we only understand our lives after we have suffered disappointment: "Life is what happens to you after you make your plans." Once we had ideas about what coming years would bring to our family. After the death of our child, however, we find ourselves thrust into a period where, while there is no foretelling the future, we suddenly have no plans, and our dreams have been shattered.

How different this is from the sadness we feel when an older person dies. If she has lived a full life and dies naturally, we may miss her, reminisce about all she meant to us, and perhaps wish that we had taken more time to appreciate her. We also come to acknowledge that life brings a series of losses, and we may even understand that they are somehow necessary, or at least part of everyone's experience. But the death of our child attacks our understanding of life's rhythm and purpose, leaving us wandering in unmapped territory.

Grieving the Death of Your Son or Daughter

After John Kennedy Junior's plane crash, Lauren Basset's parents and Carolyn Basset Kennedy released the following statement: "Nothing in life prepares you for the death of a child." Though it had been twelve years since my son's death, I wept when I read those words, for they brought me back to when I was unprepared for my struggles with his illness, for his death, and for the challenging grief work required to once more be fully alive.

Today's women mature knowing much about how to deal with expected milestones: sexual experience, marriage, professional life, working motherhood, and even divorce, remarriage, and menopause. That which we don't already know, we feel reasonably confident of learning from abundant resources which are easily available to us.

Consequently, we don't anticipate a life-changing event -- mourning the loss of someone you love -- that puts the core of our being in doubt. Even those who have experienced much tragedy in their lives are unprepared for a child's death.

Without self-pity, Ruth first summarizes her many losses before coming to her stark conclusion: "My life has been full of pain. As a child, I experienced coming from 'the wrong side of the tracks.' My father and mother left me when I was thirteen and I had to find other caregivers. My little sister died when I was eight; my father died when I was twenty-two.

My oldest son had cancer of the bone at age eighteen. My first and only grandson was born with Down's syndrome. He had open heart surgery and was in critical condition for two weeks. My husband had open heart surgery and died two years after Tom committed suicide.  None of this has been as devastating as my son Tom's death."

Excerpted from And a Sword Shall Pierce Your Heart: Moving from Despair to Meaning After the Death of a Child by Charlotte M. Mathes, LCSW, Ph.D. Copyright © 2006 Charlotte Mathes. Published by Chiron Publications (September 2005).

Valetine Message

~ By Annette Mennen Baldwin

VALENTINE MESSAGE

I send this message to my child

Who no longer walks this plane,

A message filled with love

Yet also filled with pain.

My heart continues to skip a beat

When I ponder your early death

As I think of times we’ll never share

I must stop to catch my breath.

Valentine’s Day is for those who love

And for those who receive love, too

For a parent the perfect love in life

Is the love I’ve given you.

I’m thinking of you this day, my child,

With a sadness that is unspoken

As I mark another Valentine’s Day

With a heart that is forever broken.

By Annette Mennen Baldwin, In memory of my son, Todd Mennen, TCF, Katy, TX

Special Prayer Request for Don Floyd

I would like to ask that we join together with special prayers for Don Floyd, Joyce Floyd's husband, who has been diagnosed with a malignant tumor in the lower part of his left lung.

Many of you will remember that this time last year we were praying for Joyce as she began her courageous battle against breast cancer. Your prayers played a critical part in her winning that challenge, so I'm confident that if we join together, Don will have the same wonderful results...

Don's Cardiologist has given the permission for him to move forward with lung surgery if that is what is required, so after some additional testing, including a Pet Scan tomorrow, they will know what the next steps will be..

In your prayers we ask that Don, Joyce and their family will have the strength to deal with this challenge, but most importantly right now, is that the Pet Scan tomorrow will show that there is NO CANCER ANYWHERE ELSE in his body, which will mean then that he will be a candidate for the surgery to remove the left lower lobe of his left lung.

As always, Don, Joyce and their family thank each of you for your love and ongoing support and prayers.

Finding Peace, Joy & Happiness

~ by Cherie Houston

Losing anyone in our lives that we love is tragic – but the death of a child is uniquely tragic… Joining life again when we are mourning and grieving is a decision we need to make - not immediately, but eventually..  Yes this is a decision which won’t happen overnight but eventually in time, it is a decision we must all make and once we do, it takes an effort to find and create the joy, laughter, love and peace that once came so easily to us…

 

There are many books on the subject, but there are some basic tips that can help us once we make the decision to “live again” that others have found helped them on this journey to joy…

 

AVOID SAD & DEPRESSING NEWS – so that might mean not watching or listening to the news for a while… When we are struggling to pull ourselves out of the normal depression that comes with grief, it is hard to do that when we listen or watch the nightly news that seems to revel in nothing but bad news…

 

GET OUTDOORS AND INTO THE SUNLIGHT as much as possible – all studies confirm that gloomy days and do cause us to also be gloomy – conversely being outdoors and in the sunshine has the opposite effect and improves our spirits… remember how relaxing and happy you were when you laid on the beach or in the green grass and watched the clouds go by…

LAUGH – watch a funny movie, read a funny book or the comics or listen to a comedian.. Laughter is good for our soul and is proven to improve health- It’s true: studies indicate that laughter, along with an active sense of humor, may help protect you against a heart attack, according to a recent study by cardiologists at the University of Maryland Medical Center in Baltimore. The study, which is the first to indicate that laughter may help prevent heart disease, found that people with heart disease were 40 percent less likely to laugh in a variety of situations compared to people of the same age without heart disease.   "The old saying that 'laughter is the best medicine,' definitely appears to be true when it comes to protecting your heart," says Michael Miller, M.D., director of the Center for Preventive Cardiology at the University of Maryland Medical Center and a professor of medicine at the University of Maryland School of Medicine.

CONCENTRATE ON SOMEONE ELSE – Personally I think this is why support groups, such as our Mom’s Bereavement Group is so beneficial.. No matter how horribly we are hurting or grieving, when a new mom arrives – it helps us when we help her – even that hug or holding of her hand as she tries to listen to what is being said – always helps us more than the person we think we are helping… when we focus on someone else, even for a short while, we are stepping out of our pain and sorrow, and that is healthy…

 

DO SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE ELSE – Whether it is your elderly neighbor, or babysitting for that new mom in your neighborhood, helping out at your local hospital, nursing home or school – doing something for someone else – again allows us to step outside our own pain and grieving, and yes that is healthy – As hard as it might be to do this, tell yourself that you need to do this as a tribute to or in memory of your child… Imagine how proud they would be to know you have done this…

 

EACH DAY WRITE DOWN WHAT YOU ARE GRATEFUL FOR – At first this might be very difficult because we can’t imagine being thankful for anything – we just want our child back.

Eventually however, you will find that you will be grateful not only for the time you had with your child, but for all the wonderful things they gave you and no matter how old your child was - they gave us so many things to be grateful for:

• The young mom who lost her child early by miscarriage may be grateful for the joy of feeling life for the first time
• The mom of an adult child may be grateful for all the wonderful memories or for having been blessed with grandchildren
• The mother of a young child, might be grateful for that drawing on her refrigerator that your her 8 year old drew before they went home to heaven…

Eventually, your list will include other family members and events, your own health and much much more… Yes – eventually you will realize just how blessed and how much you have that brings you happiness and that you have to be grateful for and the longer your list becomes - the happier you will also become.. 

 

SHAKE OFF THE ANGER - this can be very hard especially if your child took their own life, or died in an auto accident by someone who was careless, or was murdered, or in the wrong place at the wrong time, or caught the flu, or was genetically predisposed to a disease - yes no matter how they died - anger is something we all feel at one time or another..  But we need to allow that anger to dissipate and while we are doing that, we need to find healthy ways to let off steam: exercise, make music, garden, paint, write out your thoughts in a journal. If you can't shake the anger, or continue to feel overwhelmed, it might be helpful to ask a professional (our minister, priest, rabbi or psychologist or doctor) to help us to handle the anger...

Being happy and finding joy and peace in the world around us is a conscious decision that only we can make…Happiness and joy are normal and healthy and in no way disrespect our children (or any family member) who are no longer with us, just the opposite – living your life to the fullest are wonderful tributes to your children…

Our meeting this week, Thurs., Feb 10th, will be held at Mohave Community College

Just a quick reminder, that our meeting this Thursday, February 10th will be held at Mohave Community College, 1977 West Acoma Boulevard, LHC in Room#818.

Because of Spring Frenzy, our Rooms LHC Aquatic Community Center will NOT be available, so for this one week, we will be meeting at the Mohave Community College Campus, in Bldg. #800, Room #818 from 10 until Noon.

The focus of our February 10th meeting will be: "Be Gentle With Yourself While Grieving" and it will be another fun and enjoyable meeting. Rita Stone, a Therapeutic Massage Therapist who lives here in the winter, will be leading the Moms in hand massages, and shoulder and neck massages. Sound fun? please attend.

Any questions call: Joyce Floyd @ 453-7940

Tiny Footprints

~ Author Unknown

"These are my footprints,

so perfect and so small.

These tiny footprints

never touched the ground at all.

Not one tiny footprint,

for now I have wings.

These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.

You will hear my tiny footprints,

in the patter of the rain.

Gentle drops like angel's tears,

of joy and not from pain.

You will see my tiny footprints,

in each butterflies' lazy dance.

I'll let you know I'm with you,

if you just give me the chance.

You will see my tiny footprints,

in the rustle of the leaves.

I will whisper names into the wind,

and call each one that grieves.

Most of all, these tiny footprints,

are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.

'Cause even though I'm gone now,

We'll never truly part."

Surviving the Death of a Child - Part 2 of 2

Thank you again to Gayle Stewart from Florida for sharing this with us... she said she reads the entire article almost daily since the death of her 8 year son last fall... it reminds her that she is "normal" as she continues on her journey from mourning to joy...

~ by Donna Lamb, LSCSW ~ Senior Social Worker, The Menninger Hope Adult Program

Each parent had a unique relationship with the child and this uniqueness will be reflected in the grief process. Each parent’s characterological differences will make their external and internal experiences of grief different: one may need to talk about the child constantly, while the other may find mention of the child too difficult; one may seek out friends for support, while the other may withdraw; one may want to allow surviving children to witness his/her grief responses, while the other may want to protect the children from the parent’s pain; one may want to resume sexual intimacy, while the other may feel that enjoying any aspect of life is a betrayal of the child; one may find comfort in returning to work quickly, while the other may be unable to function.

It is not unusual for grief responses such as despair, anger, guilt and feelings of loss of control to increase in mothers for several years after the death. Fathers, on the other hand, typically experience a decrease in symptoms after the second year (Fish, 1986). Therefore, as the mother’s grief is intensifying, the father’s is decreasing, which further contributes to the isolation each parent feels in the marital relationship.

Especially problematic in parental grief is guilt, resulting from the parents’ deep sense of responsibility for and helplessness after a child’s death. Miles and Demi (1986) identify the following sources of parental guilt.

• Death causation guilt: resulting from parent’s perceived contribution to or failure to protect the child from death
• Illness-related guilt: resulting from perceived deficiencies in the parental role during the child’s illness or at the time of death
• Parental role guilt: the belief that the parent failed to live up to self- or societal expectations in the overall parental role
• Moral guilt: resulting from the belief that the child’s death was punishment or retribution for something the parent did or failed to do
• Survival guilt: the belief that children should outlive their parents
• Grief guilt: resulting from the parent’s behavioral or emotional reactions of grief at the time of or following the child’s death

It is often thought that the death of a child is a death knell for the marriage. This is not true. If a marital relationship was struggling prior to the child’s death, the death will add another dimension to the struggle. If the marriage was strong, however, the relationship often ends up stronger than it was before. Communication concerning what each needs and expects from the other is critical, balanced by an awareness that the partner may not be able to provide the support that is requested; other family members or friends may be needed for support. Most importantly, partners must realize that any distance they feel in their relationship during the grief process is not necessarily a true reflection of real feelings for each other.

 What may be seen as complicated grief responses in individuals, who have experienced the death of someone other than a child, may be seen as normal in parental grief. As long as the behavior is not physically, emotionally or psychosocially dysfunctional for too long, it can be viewed as normal parental grief. As painful as the grief process will be, it is important that parents allow themselves to feel the pain of separation from their child so that they can, in the future, live a life that is not governed by intense pain. If attended to, the pain of parental grief does diminish, and a new life, which incorporates a spiritual and psychological relationship with the child, will unfold.

Surviving the Death of a Child - Part 1 of 2

Thank you to Gayle Stewart from Florida for sharing this with us... she said she reads the entire article almost daily since the death of her 8 year son last fall...  it reminds her that she is "normal" as she continues on her journey from mourning to joy...

~ by Donna Lamb, LSCSW ~ Senior Social Worker, The Menninger Hope Adult Program

Upon becoming a parent, most people are surprised to find within themselves a previously unrecognized capacity to love and a fierce need to protect; parents take on the role of provider, problem solver and advisor.

This emotional bonding between parent and child occurs long before the child’s birth, as each parent begins to fantasize about the child, imagining the life they will share. Parents dream of having someone whom they can love unconditionally and who will love and need them; children provide the opportunity for parents to correct mistakes made during their own childhood and serve as carriers of the family name and family genes.

Children provide a sense of purpose for the parents and, therefore, become an integral part of the parents’ lives. The greatest fear of most parents is having a child die, as they cannot imagine being able to emotionally cope with such a loss.

A child’s death, no matter the age of the child, is incomprehensible to parents. Bereaved parents feel oppressive feelings of failure in their roles as parents; their inability to prevent their child’s death leads to overwhelming feelings of helplessness and of being violated. Their sense of self diminishes, and they feel disillusioned, empty and insecure. Parents, looking through their pain, are disoriented and confused to see that somehow the world continues on even though nothing makes sense any more. Their instincts to provide for and protect the child continue after the death, but they are unable to act on these instincts; stormy nights often find bereaved parents awake, wondering if their child is in a safe, dry place.

It’s interesting to note that in other types of familial death, there is a term that denotes a change in relationship: bereaved spouses become “widows” or “widowers” and “orphans” denote children who have no parents. There is, however, no word that reflects the changed status from “parent” to “bereaved parent.” It is a change that defies vocabulary.

Because bereaved parents represent the worst fear of every parent, they are avoided more than other mourners. Other family members are experiencing their own grief, friends don’t know what to say or do and society expects parents to return to work in three days, being as productive as before. The child’s death is socially invalidated. Parents often report feeling disconnected from reality, similar to being in a sensory deprivation chamber; without feedback from others; judging reality becomes impossible.

Numerous secondary losses accompany the death of a child, including loss of the family as it existed prior to the death. Surviving children lose the emotional, and perhaps physical, availability of their parents, grandparents “lose” their children to parental grief and spouses lose the support of each other–each whose emotional plate is so full that they cannot be there for the other. The impact of a child’s death on a marital relationship cannot be underestimated. Neither parent will be the same person as they were before the death.

A moment in time that creates the before & after…

~ By Cherie Houston

No matter the age or cause of our child’s death – for each of us, the moment of our child’s death will forever be frozen in time.

Whether we are young or old, rich or poor, whether our child was lost during pregnancy or well into their adult years for every parent, this is true. Yes, no matter who we are this is true, you, me, each mom in our group and groups like ours around the world, for Jacqueline Kennedy, Rose Kennedy, Paul Newman, Bill Cosby, John Travolta and recently Marie Osmond – yes as parents, we all agree that when our child dies, our life becomes divided into two periods “before and after” our child’s death.

No matter the shock of that moment we receive the news or watch as our child passes, whether it was anticipated or a total shock, each of us will forever remember and replay each and every detail of that moment as though it happened yesterday. Yes, no matter how many months or years pass, we will continue to mark the before and after by that horrific moment in time.

As we continue on our journey from mourning, our normal sense of time is changed forever and we find that we count the time we have lived without their presence - at first the days, then the weeks, months and then the years..  Yes grieving changes time for us – in those first heart stopping hours after their death, life – the world – and time seems to stop - I believe it does that intentionally as God and nature’s way of allowing our mind, heart and soul to gather the strength that we will need in the days and months ahead…

Yes, life – the world and time will begin again – and so will we.  And when it does – it will be different – a new normal will begin to emerge and we, like so many before us, will define so many things inour lives by the "before and after"…  I hope that eventually you will find "peace" when you recollect the "before" and find joy and peace as you move into and through the tomorrows of the "after"...