Surviving the Death of a Child - Part 1 of 2

Thank you to Gayle Stewart from Florida for sharing this with us... she said she reads the entire article almost daily since the death of her 8 year son last fall...  it reminds her that she is "normal" as she continues on her journey from mourning to joy...

~ by Donna Lamb, LSCSW ~ Senior Social Worker, The Menninger Hope Adult Program

Upon becoming a parent, most people are surprised to find within themselves a previously unrecognized capacity to love and a fierce need to protect; parents take on the role of provider, problem solver and advisor.

This emotional bonding between parent and child occurs long before the child’s birth, as each parent begins to fantasize about the child, imagining the life they will share. Parents dream of having someone whom they can love unconditionally and who will love and need them; children provide the opportunity for parents to correct mistakes made during their own childhood and serve as carriers of the family name and family genes.

Children provide a sense of purpose for the parents and, therefore, become an integral part of the parents’ lives. The greatest fear of most parents is having a child die, as they cannot imagine being able to emotionally cope with such a loss.

A child’s death, no matter the age of the child, is incomprehensible to parents. Bereaved parents feel oppressive feelings of failure in their roles as parents; their inability to prevent their child’s death leads to overwhelming feelings of helplessness and of being violated. Their sense of self diminishes, and they feel disillusioned, empty and insecure. Parents, looking through their pain, are disoriented and confused to see that somehow the world continues on even though nothing makes sense any more. Their instincts to provide for and protect the child continue after the death, but they are unable to act on these instincts; stormy nights often find bereaved parents awake, wondering if their child is in a safe, dry place.

It’s interesting to note that in other types of familial death, there is a term that denotes a change in relationship: bereaved spouses become “widows” or “widowers” and “orphans” denote children who have no parents. There is, however, no word that reflects the changed status from “parent” to “bereaved parent.” It is a change that defies vocabulary.

Because bereaved parents represent the worst fear of every parent, they are avoided more than other mourners. Other family members are experiencing their own grief, friends don’t know what to say or do and society expects parents to return to work in three days, being as productive as before. The child’s death is socially invalidated. Parents often report feeling disconnected from reality, similar to being in a sensory deprivation chamber; without feedback from others; judging reality becomes impossible.

Numerous secondary losses accompany the death of a child, including loss of the family as it existed prior to the death. Surviving children lose the emotional, and perhaps physical, availability of their parents, grandparents “lose” their children to parental grief and spouses lose the support of each other–each whose emotional plate is so full that they cannot be there for the other. The impact of a child’s death on a marital relationship cannot be underestimated. Neither parent will be the same person as they were before the death.