Help To Regain Joy After Loss ~ Tips 13 - 15

Here are the last three tips to help you regain joy in your life - Tips 13-15; Written by Dr. Lissa Rankin, from the website: http://www.owningpink.com/

13. Take a gratitude walk. Get outside, walk around, and think about what makes you feel grateful. Count your small blessings. Maybe you’re grateful for the purple lupine or the cottonwood that makes the air feel alive. Perhaps you’re grateful you no longer have to sort your loved one’s laundry. Maybe, by losing someone you love, you’re free to follow your own dreams, after being a caretaker. Look for the opportunity hidden in your loss, and don’t judge yourself.

14. Try Laughter Yoga. Yes, such a thing really exists. We know that laughter is good for us, but who feels like laughing when you’re feeling terribly sad? Laughter yoga is a combination of yoga breathing exercises (pranayama), childlike playfulness, and laughter. It’s based on the notion that your body can’t tell the difference between real laughter and fake laughter. In other words, fake it ‘til you make it. Chances are, you’ll feel so silly, genuine laughter will follow.

15. Remember, pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. Choose Joy instead
 
On behalf of all of us at The Journey from Mourning to Joy we wish for each of you who finds your way to us ~ we wish you health, happiness, peace and joy in the New Year and remember we are always here for you as together we continue on this journey.

How To Regain Joy After Loss ~ Tips 10 thru 12

Here are the next three tips to help you regain joy in your life - Tips 10-12; Written by Dr. Lissa Rankin, from the website: http://www.owningpink.com

10. After a reasonable amount of time has passed (during which you get to cry whenever you damn well want to), set aside time to grieve ~ but don’t allow yourself to wallow. Maybe every Wednesday is wailing Wednesdays, when you get to sob uncontrollably all day long. But when Thursday rolls around, brush yourself off and give yourself permission to experience Joy. Go bowling. Watch a funny movie. Meet your friends for a lunch date. Pick wildflowers in a field. Don’t let your loss define your entire existence – of course you will have moments often for years to come, but do your best to brush yourself off and find Joy in your day.


11. Get outside and exercise. If you can’t get motivated, ask someone else to make you accountable.

12. Do something silly. Play on the swings like you’re five again. Stand on your hands and have someone take a picture of you. Paint your toenails green. Get your face painted. Shoot silly string at your best friend when she isn’t expecting it. Dance when nobody else is dancing. It’s okay. People know you’re grieving, so your friends will give you a long leash.

How to Regain Joy After Loss ~ Tips 7 thru 9

Here are the next three tips to help you regain joy in your life - Tips 7-9; Written by Dr. Lissa Rankin, from the website: http://www.owningpink.com/

7. Play happy music. Leave it on in your car. Keep a mix CD in your CD player. Make a happy Pink Playlist for your Ipod. Listen to it whenever you can.


8. Be creative. Creative expression can often put you in touch with healing energy you didn’t even know you had – paint, sew, write, cook, draw, pottery – something you’ve always wanted to do or something you haven’t done in years you may be pleasantly surprised by your results.

9. Surround yourself with people that bring out the best in you and allow you to feel exactly what you feel. These people are precious. They will hold the space for you when you feel sad and need support. And they will share your joy when you find it.

How to Regain Joy After Loss ~ Tips 4 thru 6

Here are the next three tips to help you regain joy in your life - Tips 4-6; Written by Dr. Lissa Rankin, from the website: http://www.owningpink.com

4. Find a spiritual community to support you. For many of us our faith is what sustains us through tragedy, but for some, tragedy can cause us to doubt our faith. Be patient with yourself, you will find your faith again. In the meantime or if you are not a church-goer, try a yoga class, a spiritual dance experience, or a dharma talk.

5. Eat well. When you’re grieving, it’s easy to lose the motivation to prepare healthy food, so it’s easy to let your health slide. Joy will be hard to find if you’re ill. Take care of YOU.

6. Make a date to get out of your home at least once a week. Schedule friends that will pick you up and do something enjoyable and playful with you that makes you smile and that you truly enjoy.

How To Regain Joy After Loss ~ Tips 1 thru 3

As this year winds down and we prepare to welcome a new year - know that it is possible to find joy again.  We hope these tips might help in your journey from mouring to joy as we begin 2010!!  We will share 3 tips each day for the next 5 days - Written by Dr. Lissa Rankin, from the website: http://www.owningpink.com/ We hope you will find them helpful - Here are Tips 1 thru 3

1. First, don’t skip grieving. You can’t possibly hopscotch straight past loss to Joy. But you don’t have to wait years to experience Joy again. When you feel it bubbling up within you, embrace it.

2. Realize that being joyful does not undermine your loss. Don’t make your life a testament to what you’ve lost. You’re not proving anything (that you’re right, that you loved dearly, or that you deserve attention) by staying stuck in your story.

3. Make sure you get enough sleep. Grieving is hard work, and it’s hard to feel joyful when stress is keeping you up at night. If you can’t sleep, seek professional help.

My First Christmas in Heaven

~ by Unknown

I've had my first Christmas in Heaven, a glorious, wonderful day!

I stood with the saints of the ages, who found Christ, the truth and the Way.
I sang with the Heavenly choir: just think! I who loved to sing!

And, Oh! What celestial music we brought to our Savior and King!

We sang the glad songs of redemption, how Jesus to Bethlehem came,

And how they had called His name Jesus, that all might be saved through His name.
We sang once with the angels, the song that they spoke that blest morn

When shepherds first heard the glad story, that Jesus, the Savior, was born

O dear ones, I wish you had been here. No Christmas on earth could compare

With all the rapture and glory, we witnessed in Heaven so fair.
You know how I always loved Christmas; tt seemed such a wonderful day,

With all of my loved ones around me, the children so happy and gay.

Yes, now I can see why I loved it andnd Oh, what a joy it will be

When you and my loved ones are with me, to share in the glories I see.

So, dear ones on earth, here’s my greeting, look up till the day dawn appears,

And Oh, what a Christmas awaits us, beyond our parting tears.

So smile for me now and be happy and enjoy what's ahead - do not weep

Know I'm here waiting for you - when we'll enjoy a glorious Christmas together again..

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM HEAVEN

~ Author: John Wm. Mooney, Jr.

I still hear the songs

I still see the lights

I still feel your love

on cold wintry nights

I still share your hopes

and all of your cares

I'll even remind you

to please say your prayers

I just want to tell you

you still make me proud

You stand head and shoulders

above all the crowd

Keep trying each moment

to stay in His grace

I came here before you

to help set your place

You don't have to be

perfect all of the time

He forgives you the slip

If you continue the climb

To my family and friends

please be thankful today

I'm still close beside you

In a new special way

I love you all dearly

now don't shed a tear

Cause I'm spending my

Christmas with Jesus this year.

I WILL BE THERE

by Sharon J. Bryant

Mom, tomorrow I will be there

Though you may not see

I'll smile and remember

The last Christmas, with you and me

Don't be sad mom

I'm never far away

Your heart has hidden sight

My memory will always stay

I watched as you touched the ornaments

Sometimes a tear was shed as you did

I touched you gently on your shoulder

And on tiptoes I proudly stood

I'm only gone for a little while mom

I'm waiting for the day to be

When God calls out your name mom

We'll be together, just you wait and see

But until that time comes

Carry on as you did when I was there

I tell the angels how much I love you

There are angels here everywhere!

I stand behind you some days

When I know that you are sad

I want you to be happy mom

It would make my heart so glad

So on this Christmas Eve, Mom

Think of me as I will be thinking of you

And touch that special ornament

That I once made for you

I love you mom and dad, also

I know you know I do

And I'll be waiting here for you

When your earthly life is through

Love, Your child in Heaven

You can read Sharon's notes on the holiday on her website: http://www.angelabode.com/holidayideas.html

HOLIDAYS OF SADNESS

~ by Brigitte Synesael

When you have lost someone very dear to you, the most difficult obstacle to cross is getting through the holidays. Surviving the days where everyone around you is celebrating and spreading good cheer, while your mind is filled with memories and your heart is heavy with loneliness. It’s difficult just making it through what used to be the happiest days that were once shared with our child or loved one, and today carries only emptiness. The greatest challenge is to remain in the company of others who love you, when you really want to be alone with your sadness.

It makes no difference whether the loss took place last week, several months ago, or even last year. The holidays always send those deep emotions flooding right to the surface.

Just as how you deal with grief is personal and individual, so is the way you handle the holidays. Remember to be true to yourself, and don’t take on too much responsibility. Let people know that your plans may be subject to change, and you can’t make long term commitments just yet. Be honest with yourself and with your friends and family about how you’re feeling.

Some people find it best to start new traditions, because the past ones hold memories too difficult to deal with. Talk with your family about setting expectations. Plan together any modifications you will all make to the “normal” holiday festivities. You may want to have a church service dedicated to the memory of your loved one. Or make an annual donation in his/her name. Perhaps join the Hospice Tree Lighting ceremony. Bring joy to another child by purchasing a special toy for the Angel Tree in memory of your child.

Be honest about how you’re feeling, but when ever possible, try to include a positive twist into your thoughts. Instead of : “I miss my ….. so much, there is no Christmas without him/her.” TRY “I do miss my ……. Christmas will be different this year, but I will try to enjoy it.” Instead of: “I HATE this time of year. I can’t wait until it’s over.” TRY “This is a difficult time of year for me. But it does give me an opportunity to become closer to my family and friends.”

Some people heal best by helping others. Try volunteering at an organization who help people with a greater need than yours. i.e. A soup kitchen, a homeless shelter, orphanages, etc. Often the best therapy is helping others. Aside from the obvious benefits of keeping your mind occupied and seeing that there are others in worse situations than yourself, charity work gives you a tremendous feeling of fulfillment. It can give you a renewed sense of purpose, so important during times of sadness.

Above all else, give yourself permission to enjoy yourself, to laugh, and to find peace. Each of these things are part of healing. Your life will never be the same, but it will go on, and it can still be good. Close your eyes for just a moment ~ bring into the room with you the clearest image of the person that you have lost. Now say “I love you and I miss you. You will always be in my heart. I need to know... is it okay for me to be happy again?”

Now, imagine the answer that you receive. If you remember your loved one in their true light, I’m confident the answer will be YES. Find peace over the holidays, and be good to you.

About the Author: Brigitte Synesael is recognized as an authority on Alternative Medicine Information. A published author, one of her latest releases is "You've Got Nothing To Lose But POUNDS!"

TO ALL PARENTS

~ by Edgar Guest

"I'll lend you for a little time a child of mine," He said.

"For you to love the while he lives and mourn when he is dead,

"It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two or three,

"But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for me?

"He'll bring his charms to gladden you, but should his stay be brief,

"You'll have his lovely memories, as solace for your grief,

"I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return,

"But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.

"I've looked the wide world over in my search for teachers true,

"And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes I have selected you.

"Now will you give him all your love, nor think the labor vain,

"Nor hate me when I come to call to take him back again?

I fancied that I heard them say: "Dear Lord, Thy will be done!

"For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we'll run.

We'll shelter him with tenderness; we'll love him while we may,

And for happiness we've known forever grateful stay.

"But should the angels call for him much sooner than we'd planned,

"We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand."

THE DIME ~ A BEAUTIFUL CHRISTMAS STORY

~ Author unknown ~

Bobby was getting cold sitting out in his back yard in the snow. Bobby didn’t wear boots; he didn’t like them and anyway, he didn’t own any. The thin sneakers he wore had a few holes in them and they did a poor job of keeping out the cold.

Bobby had been in his backyard for about an hour already. And try as he might, he could not come up with any idea for his Mother’s Christmas gift.  He shook his head as he thought, “This is useless, even if I do come up with an idea, I don’t have any money to spend.”

Ever since his Father had passed away three years ago, the family of five had struggled. It wasn’t because his Mother didn’t care or try, there just never seemed to be enough.  She worked nights at the hospital, but the small wage that she was earning could only be stretched so far. What the family lacked in money and material things, they more than made up for in love and family unity.

Bobby had two older and one younger sister who ran the household in their Mother’s absence. All three of his sisters had already made beautiful gifts for their Mother. Somehow, it just wasn’t fair. Here it was Christmas Eve already and he had nothing to give her. 

Wiping a tear from his eye, Bobby kicked the snow and started to walk home when suddenly his eyes caught the glimmer of the setting sun’s rays reflecting off of something along the curb.  He reached down and discovered a shiny dime. Never before has anyone felt so wealthy as Bobby felt at that moment.  As he held his new-found treasure, a warmth spread throughout his little body and he walked into the first store he saw.

His excitement quickly turned cold when the salesperson told him that he couldn’t buy anything with only a dime. He saw a flower shop and went inside to wait in line.  When the shop owner asked if he could help him, Bobby presented the dime and asked if he could buy one flower for his Mother’s Christmas gift.  The shop owner looked at Bobby and his ten-cent offering. Then he put his hand on Bobby’s shoulder and said to him, “You just wait right here and I’ll see what I can do for you.”

As Bobby waited, he looked at the beautiful flowers and even though he was a boy, he could see why Mothers and girls liked flowers. The sound of the door closing as the last customer left jolted Bobby back to reality.  All alone in the shop, Bobby began to feel lonely and afraid. Suddenly the shop owner came out and moved to the counter. There before Bobby’s eyes lay twelve long stemmed red roses with leaves of green and tiny white flowers all tied together with a big silver bow.

Bobby’s heart sank as the owner picked them up and placed them gently into a long white box. “That will be ten cents young man,” the shop owner said, reaching out his hand for Bobby’s dime.  Slowly Bobby moved his hand to give the man his dime. Could this possibly be true? No one else would give him a thing for his dime!

Sensing the boy’s reluctance, the shop owner added, “I just happened to have some roses on sale for ten cents a dozen. Would you like them?”  This time Bobby did not hesitate and when the man placed the long box into his hands, he knew it was true.

Walking out the door that the owner was holding for Bobby, he heard the shop keeper say “Merry Christmas, son.”  As he returned inside, the shop keeper’s wife walked out. “Who were you talking to back there, and where are the roses you were fixing?”

Staring out the window and blinking the tears from his own eyes, he replied, “A strange thing happened to me this morning. While I was setting up things to open the shop, I thought I heard a voice telling me to set aside a dozen of my very best roses for a special gift. I wasn’t sure at the time whether I had lost my mind or what, but I set them aside anyway. Then, just a few minutes ago, a little boy came into the shop and wanted to buy a flower for his Mother with one small dime. “When I looked at him, I saw myself, many years ago. I too, was a poor boy with nothing to buy my Mother a Christmas gift. A bearded man, whom I never knew, stopped me on the street and told me that he wanted to give me ten dollars.

When I saw that little boy tonight, I knew whose voice that was, and I put together a dozen of my very best roses. The shop owner and his wife hugged each other tightly and as they stepped out into the bitter cold air, they somehow didn’t feel cold at all.

May this story instill the spirit of CHRIST in your Christmas as you pass this act of kindness along.  Have a Joyous and CHRIST-filled Christmas season!

HUGS FROM HEAVEN

 ~ by Charlotte Anselmo

When you feel a gentle breeze, caress you when you sigh

It's a hug sent from Heaven, from a loved one way up high.

If a soft and tender raindrop, lands upon your nose

They've added a small kiss, as fragile as a rose.

If a song you hear fills you, with a feeling of sweet love

It's a hug sent from Heaven, from someone special up above.

If you awaken in the morning, to a bluebird's chirping song

It's music sent from Heaven, to cheer you all day long.

If tiny little snowflakes, land upon your face

It's a hug sent from Heaven, trimmed with Angel lace.

So keep the joy in your heart, if you're lonely my dear friend

Hugs that are sent from Heaven, a broken heart will mend.

DESIDERATA FOR THE HOLIDAY SEASON

~Adapted by Stephanie Weber-Slepicka

• Go peacefully.
• Amid the holiday craziness and rushing, remember that you do not have to participate at anyone else’s pace but your own.
• As far as possible without giving away a piece of who you are, be on good terms with those who matter to you.
• Speak of grief quietly and clearly, whenever you feel like it; allow others to listen to you tell your story again and again.
• Stay away from those who drain you and be with those who give you a sense of peace.
• If you compare your grief with the grief of others, you may become faltering and discouraged; always there will be people in different stages of grief.
• Know that you are where you need to be for YOU.
• Keep interested in your own plans and your own life.
• Exercise caution in activities and traditions. Take care of yourself; be good to yourself. Set time limits on outings and events. Accomplish a few things and then rest. You heroically survived a death; you can heroically survive a holiday.
• Be yourself. Cry when you feel like crying. Talk about your loved one when you are so moved. If “the world” can’t handle a name or a memory, then the world will have to learn, as you are learning. Don’t be bitter when someone talks of love. Love is still a rare and precious gift.
• Listen, if you are able, to those of us who are farther down the road in our grief and healing. We walked where you are now walking. We remember that searing intense pain. It has gotten better for us. It will get better for you.
• Nurture yourself. Take a break from all the “whys” and “what ifs.”
• Fatigue and loneliness are not your friends. Reach for a tired peacefulness and some time alone.
• Be gentle with yourself. You are a survivor of a terrible of a terrible trauma.
• In the noisy confusion of the holiday season, strive to be at peace with yourself.
• In spite of all that you have faced, it can still be a beautiful world. Find new meaning in the words and events of this season.

 

DIFFICULTY OF FAMILY CELEBRATIONS

http://www.partnershealthcare.org/ ~Employees Assistance Program (from American Hospice Foundation © 2002 )

Family celebrations can be difficult for a number of reasons:

• Pictures are brought out and shared. If you want to, bring out your own if it feels right.
• Hushed conversations - you may walk into a room that suddenly gets quiet. You suspect that others have been talking about you. This may not be true; we are very sensitive when we are grieving, and it is easy to come to the wrong conclusion. However, you can bring up the name of your loved one to let others know it is okay to talk about him/her.
• It may be painful to attend a particular holiday function when your child, spouse or other loved one has just died. If you find it too difficult to attend, say so and send your regrets. If you feel you must go, explain that you will be there but are not sure you will be able to stay. Make sure you have a friend who can leave with you. If possible, sit on the fringe of the function so you can slip out easily.

When Every Day Matters-A Mother's Memoir on Love, Loss and Life

~Author Mary Jane Hurley Brant, M.S., CGP wrote the following in her post Sept. 20, 2009

Have you lost someone so special you feel you can never be happy again? I ask this question because sooner or later we will all be hit with a loss we think we cannot bear. No one escapes it.

Consider the recent death of Senator Ted Kennedy. During his life he looked grief and personal tragedy in the eye many times. The Senator, as other giants before him, will be missed. His family, as all families, will have to wrap themselves around their monumental loss, cling together, and go forward. They and we know that no one can ever take the place of the beloved deceased person.

As humans, we wonder if we can ever overcome the pain and loss we feel. We doubt we can go on and find hope again. But we can and these are my suggestions to help.

First, make the decision to live which means you get out of bed every day and put your feet down on the floor. Your life is a gift even if you don't feel that way right now. Be grateful for your life, even the sad parts, for pain opens the heart more fully. Also, others who love and depend on you need you there physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Second, allow yourself time to grieve your loss every day - not every single moment, mind you - but actively by taking a walk and meditating on your specific loss, lighting a candle with your loss in mind, having a cry. Also, try writing your longings in a private journal; your expressed feelings are crucial to making it through your dark night of the soul. Consider doing something for someone else like bringing an elderly relative or neighbor a pot of soup or a delicious treat. Maybe take a lonelier person to church, temple or synagogue. And if you have children or grandchildren ... oh, the joy to hug them. If you have a mate or a friend ... turn toward them, not against them.

Third, pray for the grace and courage to accept your new life. You will probably go through the stages of grief and loss (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance) more than once-some many times, but remember to reflect more on your many present blessings and less so on your past sorrows. I know it's hard but you can do it, you really can.

Dear Friends, there is an appointed time for everything and we must surrender to it. "A time for every purpose under the heavens. A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant...a time to heal...A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance." (Ecclesiastes 3:1-4)
 Yes, there is a time to hope again and this is the time, the time to Make Every Day Matter.

~ Mary Jane Hurley Brant, M.S., CGP, is the Author of When Every Day Matters: A Mother's Memoir on Love, Loss and Life (Simple Abundance Press, Oct. 1, 08)

LOVE FROM HEAVEN

~ Poem by Anthony Bryant, © 2008

I can still feel your thoughts and your heartfelt prayer

I know how each day, you wish I was there

Know I can see our tree and stockings on the wall

I can see your smile, how you've grown through it all

Remember the good times, with laughter and cheer

Know wherever you go, I’ll always be near

Do the best that you can, and know that I’m proud

Throughout your triumphs, I’m cheering out loud

In those tough times of pain I’m there at your side

Adding warmth to your heart, being your spirits guide

So celebrate Jesus and remember my love

For now my Christmases are spent in Heaven above

Love from Heaven

HOLIDAYS AND ANNIVERSARIES

~ Originally published by American Hospice Foundation © 2002
~  www.americanhospice.org

• Don't be surprised at the intensity of your grief. Feelings of anger, panic, depression, despair, guilt or regrets, fearfulness, loneliness, as well as physical symptoms feel stronger during this time. This is normal. It is not a setback; it is how grief is.
• Help yourself by gaining an understanding of the grieving process. Read a book on grief, attend a lecture or attend a support group.
• Remember what has helped you earlier in your grieving - these techniques will help you again.
• Tell important people in your life that this is a difficult season and let them know what they can do to help. Don't expect people to remember or to know what to do.
• Don't be surprised if others struggle, too, or if you see others hesitate to speak of the person who died. They are probably afraid they will make you feel sad, and are unsure whether you want to talk about it.
• Be gentle with yourself and others - grief is a difficult process and different for everyone

REMEMBER OUR CHILDREN DURING THE HOLIDAYS

Ideas shared from other mothers on how they remember their child during the holidays...

• Contribute something to a group or program in memory of your child. EX: books to a library, gift to a support group or charity. Buy a gift for a child that is about the age your child would be and donate it to a giving tree.
• Purchase a special candle and burn it throughout the season in memory of your child.
• Set an extra place at your table, tell stories, and share memories about your child. Share this time with friends and relatives who are close to you. If this is too hard to do this year, simply say a prayer remembering your child, or light a candle or create a special centerpiece.
• Name a star for your child through the International Star Registry by writing: 1821 Willow Rd., Northfield, IL 60093.
• Decorate a tree at the cemetery or in your home especially in memory of your child.
• Put together an album of his/her photos to place on the coffee table.
• Decorate a tree outside with red ribbons and lights just for your child. Make it his/her tree.
• Wrap a gift - a candle, picture, flowers, Christmas ornament; whatever, to open for or from your child-(or give a gift to family members from your child). Open this when everyone else is opening their gifts. It gives you the feeling that you can still share with them.
• Put all your family stockings up. Write notes to your child or fill it with candy they liked. Share it later with family members or read them when you are alone.
• Display cards that your child gave you with other holiday cards you receive. If you send cards, simply put your family name as a greeting, so that your child’s name isn’t missing.
• Don’t be afraid to let go of some holiday preparation. You don’t have to send cards, decorate, bake cookies, go to parties. Be kind to yourself, let others comfort you.
• If thoughts of God and spiritual things help you, remember the focus of Christmas IS the birth of Christ. Take some time to read and think about this.
• REMEMBER……Christmas is only one day and the anticipation is usually worse than the day itself.

TEARS, TALK, TIME, AND TOMORROWS

~ By Debbie Landsman

I never thought I could go on living when you died, but…….I did.
I never thought I would survive after burying you, but……I did.
I never thought I’d get through those first days, weeks, months, but…….I did.
I never thought I’d be able to endure the first anniversary of your death, but….I did.
I never thought I’d let myself love my new grandchild, but…..I have.
I never thought tomorrow would be different, but…….it was.
I never thought I’d stop crying for a day, but…….I have.
I never thought the pain would ‘soften’, but it has.
I never thought I’d care if the sun shone again, but……I do.
I never thought I’d ever entertain again, but….I have.
I never thought I’d be able to control my grief, but…..I can.
I never thought I could function without medication again, but…..I can.
I never thought I’d smile again, but…..I do.
I never thought I’d laugh out loud again, but…..I do.
I never thought I’d look forward to tomorrow, but…..I do.
I never thought I’d reconcile your death, but…..I have.
I never thought I’d be able to create that ‘new normal’, but I have.
I never thought I’d be able to go on living after you died, but…..I do…….

Always missing you, always loving you, and thinking of you daily with a smile on my face….
And tears on my heart.

INCORPORATING LOSS INTO HOLIDAY RITUALS ~ CHRISTMAS & NEW YEARS

We hope you find this article, written by Candice Courtney in the Forum, October-December 2005, helpful in dealing with the holidays..

Incorporating loss into our lives requires that we also incorporate the loss into our rituals. Because ritual is often done in a more conscious and focused way, incorporating the loss into our rituals can help us to incorporate the loss into our lives. Whether rituals are simple or elaborate, practiced alone or in community, they serve a multitude of purposes in our lives. In grief, they can help us move toward acceptance, and they can help us to create a place in our life for the one(s) we have lost. They can also provide us with space to honor our sorrow, and to express our love.

Special times usually accentuate our sense of loss, and it is often suggested that we change how we normally do our holiday rituals to help make them less traumatic. But changing things just to change is not enough of a solution.  Often we need to change the rituals so that they address the needs we have in grief. As I worked my way through the difficult years that followed my husband’s death, I learned how to change life’s rituals to fit where I was in my grief.

For those struggling through this holiday season, I offer two simple rituals that may help as they make their way through the darkest season of the year, in the midst of what may be the darkest season of all their years.

CHRISTMAS/NEW YEAR - The end of the year festivities are still the hardest times for me, as they are for many people—our grief weighs heavier, and everyone else is celebrating. However, there are meanings among the roots of the traditions that offer comfort and support. Through their metaphors they address our sense of loss.

For years, I could not bring myself to put up a tree and decorate it. It felt too festive, too poignant, and seemed like far too much work. Instead I have practiced a simpler, but more meaningful alternative that draws upon the very early roots of this tradition. We know it was practiced by ancient Celts, and undoubtedly by people long before them, in a time when even the continued presence of the sun was not certain.

When the days got shorter and the nights grew colder, the world all around began to speak of death. Trees and shrubs lost their leaves, turning into skeletons. Plants shriveled and turned brown before descending into the earth to decay. The earth became stark and barren.

Yet there were certain trees and plants that held onto their green life when all else died. It was believed that these held a special life force. So the people gathered branches from these magical trees and shrubs and brought them into their homes to give them faith and hope that somehow life could survive the darkest of times. Unlike those ancient people, we trust that after the winter solstice the sun will rise higher in the sky, but we may not fully trust that the light will return to our lives once again. The cycles of the year are predictable, but it is sometimes hard to trust in the cycles of life.

On December 15, the day before the anniversary of my husband’s passing, I gather boughs of pine from the forest or a florist. I put some of the greenery in vases of water, and some of the pine branches I lay on the table around a candle. Both ancient Celts and American Indians associated pine with immortality, and the scent of pine was believed to help soften the sharp edges of grief. The sight and scent of the pine branches are a silent affirmation of faith and hope during the dark time. I add rosemary—for remembrance. And a red rose for love. Sometimes I also add a few simple decorations, such as apples and pinecones, or angels.

The fragrance and the rich green of the pine boughs can bring us into connection with this holiday tradition in a new way, and in a way that honors and supports us where we are in our grief. Gathering the greens and placing them in our home can be a way not only of affirming our faith, but also of honoring our beloved and honoring our sense of loss. We can allow this practice to give us hope, not only that we can survive, but that the cycles of life will indeed turn, and that some day, however distant spring may seem, daffodils will push their way up out of the ground and into the strengthening light of the sun.

About the Author ~ For more than 10 years, Candice Courtney has been working to make the rituals of life more personally meaningful by creating custom ceremonies for funerals, weddings, and other life passages, as well as offering workshops on holiday rituals. She is writing a book on healing rituals for holidays

© 2003-2007 The Association for Death Education and Counseling All rights reserved.

TIP #7 SURVIVING GRIEF DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON

TIP #7 - REMEMBER THAT YOU WILL SURVIVE
By Angela Morrow, RN, About.com Guide (website: www.dying.about.com/od/thegrievingprocess/a/holiday-grief.htm)

As hard as it is for you right now, you will survive. You will make it through the holidays in one piece. It may be the most difficult season in your time of grief, but it will pass. And when it does, you will come out on the other side stronger than before.

You don’t have to enjoy the holidays. You don’t even have to go through the motions pretending to enjoy the festivities. But, it’s also OK to have a good time in spite of your grief. If happiness slips through your window of grief, allow it to happen and enjoy it. You won’t be doing your loved one an injustice by feeling joyous. The best gift you can give anyone you love, even someone you have lost, is being true to yourself and living your life to the fullest.

TIP #6 SURVIVING GRIEF DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON

TIP # 6 - STOP THE COMPARISONS
By Angela Morrow, RN, About.com Guide (website: www.dying.about.com/od/thegrievingprocess/a/holiday-grief.htm)

It’s easy to watch other families and compare them to your own. Seeing other families together and enjoying the festivities may make you feel deprived. Keep in mind that the holidays are stressful for most families and are rarely the magical gatherings depicted in greeting cards. Try to embrace what you have rather than compare it to what you think others have.

TIP #5 SURVIVING GRIEF DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON

TIP # 5 - MAKE A DIFFERENCE
By Angela Morrow, RN, About.com Guide (website: www.dying.about.com/od/thegrievingprocess/a/holiday-grief.htm)

Most of us like to help others during the holiday season. Taking the ornament off the tree at the mall, dropping our change in the charity basket, or donating to our favorite organization can help us feel like we are contributing to a greater good. Helping others in times of grief can help take the focus off yourself and your pain. Volunteering at a nursing home, hospital, children’s shelter, or soup kitchen can be cathartic in times of pain. Even helping a friend or family member in need can be healing.

TIP #4 SURVIVING GRIEF DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON

TIP # 4 - FIND SUPPORT
By Angela Morrow, RN, About.com Guide (website: www.dying.about.com/od/thegrievingprocess/a/holiday-grief.htm)

Sharing your feelings is the best way to get through them. You need people you can talk to. Friends and relatives can be a great support to us during times of grief, but they are sometimes full of their own grief or so immersed in the business of the holidays that they cannot be a support to you. Support groups for caregivers and the bereaved are plentiful during the holiday season. Check with local churches, community centers, and hospice agencies to find a group that suites you. Support group members often make friends that end up being a source of support for years to come.

TIP #3 SURVIVING GRIEF DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON

TIP #3 - ASK FOR AND ACCEPT HELP
By Angela Morrow, RN, About.com Guide (website: www.dying.about.com/od/thegrievingprocess/a/holiday-grief.htm)

The holiday season is no time to feign strength and independence. You will need the help and support of others to get through. Don’t feel as though you are a burden. People get immense satisfaction and joy from helping those they care about.

In times of need, other people desire to help but often don’t know how. This is the time for you to speak up and make your needs known. If you need someone to help you with meals, shopping, or decorating, tell them so. They will be delighted to feel like they are helping you in some way.

The same holds true for your emotional needs. Friends and family may feel uncomfortable when it comes to talking about your grief. They may think that you don’t want to talk about it and don’t want to remind you of your pain. Again, you will have to direct them in the best way to help you. If you want to talk about what you’re going through or just want a shoulder to cry on, let your loved ones know.

TIP #2 SURVIVING GRIEF DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON

TIP # 2 - BE KIND TO YOURSELF
By Angela Morrow, RN, About.com Guide (website: www.dying.about.com/od/thegrievingprocess/a/holiday-grief.htm)

Get the rest and nourishment you need. Don’t take on any more than you can handle. If you need to be alone, honor that. If you crave the company and affection of others, seek it out. Do whatever it is that feels right to you.

TIP #1 SURVIVING GRIEF DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON

During the next few days we want to share with you a few suggestions that might help you to get through the holiday season, which for some, can be vey difficult... We hope these ideas will help in some small way..

With the first fallen leaf of autumn, we begin to anticipate the holidays ahead. Our senses are acute and take in everything: the smell of turkey roasting and freshly baked pies; the holiday songs playing on the radio; the sound of laughter from our loved ones who have gathered together. But for those of us who are experiencing illness, grief, or the loss of a loved one, the holidays can be a time of sadness, pain, anger, or dread.

The ebb and flow of grief can overwhelm us with waves of memories, especially during the holidays. Grief will also magnify the stress that is already a part of the holiday season. How do we begin to fill the emptiness we feel when it seems everyone else is overflowing with joy? There are some strategies to help you cope during the holidays and beyond. (By Angela Morrow, RN, About.com Guide (website: www.dying.about.com/od/thegrievingprocess/a/holiday-grief.htm)

TIP #1 - OFFER YOURSELF SOME GRACE
 By Angela Morrow, RN, About.com Guide (website: www.dying.about.com/od/thegrievingprocess/a/holiday-grief.htm)

The best thing you can do this holiday season is be kind to yourself. Give yourself permission to feel whatever it is your feeling. Don’t fall prey to the belief that you have to feel a certain way or do certain things for your holiday to be “normal.” If you feel sad, allow the tears to come; if you feel angry, allow yourself to vent some steam.

HE ONLY TOOK MY HAND

~Author Unknown

"Last night while I was trying to sleep, my son's voice I did hear

I opened my eyes and looked around, but he did not appear.

He said: "Mom you've got to listen, you've got to understand

God didn't take me from you, mom He only took my hand.

When I called out in pain that night, the instant that I died,

He reached down and took my hand, and pulled me to His side

He pulled me up and saved me from the misery and pain.

My mind was hurt so badly, I felt I could never be the same.

My search is really over now, I've found peace and happiness within,

All the answers to my empty dreams and all that might have been.

I love you all and miss you so, and I'll always be nearby.

My body's gone forever, but my spirit will never die!

And so, you must all go on now, live one day at a time.

Just understand- God did not take me from you, He only took my hand."

EASING THE PAIN OF DECEMBER HOLIDAYS

During the holidays, grief-filled joy and joy-filled grief are normal emotions for those of us who have lost a child or loved one. Just as there is no one way to experience our loss, there is no one way to find our way through the holidays and the December Holidays, Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanza can be the most difficult holidays. Yes, December can be difficult despite holiday sales, decorations, advertisements -everyone seems so happy and cheerful - but for those grieving, it's easy to feel alone.

It's precisely at these happy times that the loss of our loved one can be felt the strongest. We remember only too well who is missing. Whether our loss was recent or whether it occurred many years ago, we are constantly surrounded by sights and sounds that trigger memories of holidays past, and wracked with dreams of what might have been. Holidays involve expectations about getting together with family, about special meals or special gifts, and special traditions. Even when we find a way to cope with everyday life, the holiday season brings a renewed sense of these dreadful feelings of grief.

No matter how much we surround ourselves with the closeness of family and friends, it's impossible to forget the memories of past holidays when our loved ones were here. And impossible not to wonder what the present holidays would be like if our loved ones had not been taken from us. What can we do?

REALIZE IN ADVANCE THAT THE HOLIDAYS WILL BE DIFFERENT
Yes, there will be feelings of sadness and loss, as well as memories which may be happy, but poignant. Mixtures of emotions are often all we have. To honor them by giving them expression is a path to healing.

Even if those around you are not able to drop their expectations that you will be appropriately "cheerful," you can change your expectations for yourself. Refusing an invitation, or accepting one with the up-front agreement that you will be leaving early without public announcement or fanfare (or fuss) is another way to set boundaries for yourself; to give you the time and space to do what feels right for you.

Without warning, memories of special traditions with our child or loved one can be triggered: their favorite music, ornaments, foods, drinks, activities. Be sure to allow yourself time to deal with these memories, journaling or talking to someone about them can help; the sooner you acknowledge them, the sooner the pain will dissipate.

If sadness is present, let yourself cry. If anger is present, write down the angry words. Once expressed, those feelings often dissipate. Put a soft cloth over your face, rest your body on your bed, and start whispering "no, no, no, no...." See what emotions come out. It's an experiment. If it helps dissolve your pain, do it whenever you need, and watch yourself get stronger with time!

Finding new traditions, from baking a new type of cookie, to attending an new afternoon matinee, or attending a different church service or function - are all ways for you to accept your loss and make the holiday yours, and not just giving in to the wishes of others. The act of choosing something different is healing and shows that you are claiming power over your situation.

Select a candle in your loved one's favorite color and scent. Place it in a special area of your home and light it at a significant time throughout the holidays, signifying the light of the love that lives on in your heart

Shakespeare once said, “Give sorrow words…” Write an “un-sent letter” to your loved one. expressing what you are honestly feeling toward him or her at this moment. After you compose the letter, you may decide to place it in a book, album or drawer in your home, leave it at a memorial site, throw it away, or even burn it and let the ashes rise symbolically

Decide and announce how you want to celebrate the holidays. This will go a long way to free you from an unnecessary sense of having failed to please those around you and meeting others expectation. This means not only the expectations of the living, but also those often projected on your love one who has died. Well meaning family may even tell you that the one you loved and lost would 'want you to be happy,' do what’s best for you. Joy will return in time, but all you have to do now is acknowledge and accept the feelings you are having – with no apologies.

DEALING WITH OTHERS WHO DON'T UNDERSTAND

You can help family and friends to alter their expectations of you by releasing them from the responsibility of SEEING to it that you have a good time. You might do something symbolic yet tangible to respect their good intention yet get yourself off the hook of doing things they choose for you.

Knowing how much time you feel you want to spend with others and how much time you want to have to yourself can also be crucial. Make plans which will give you the balance between private time and social that feels right. If at all possible, choose to be with those who are best able to support you at this time in your life.

Be pro-active: Ask a friend or family member to tell people you'd rather not see during this time, or send them a holiday card – asking them to contact you "after the holidays". Most will get the message. Don’t hesitate to “take a rain check” on unwanted invitations – thank them graciously, and tell you hope they will invite you again in the months to come when you might be better company. And remember it is alright for you to change your mind at the last minute; people who know and love you will understand.

Source: Health, Mind & Body, November 2007

MYTHS AND FACTS ABOUT GRIEF

MYTH: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it.

FACT: Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.

MYTH: It’s important to be “be strong” in the face of loss.

FACT: Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. You don’t need to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings can help them and you.

MYTH: If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss.

FACT: Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one. Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it.

MYTH: Grief should last about a year.

FACT: There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving. How long it takes can and will differ from person to person.

Source: Center for Grief and Healing - http://www.griefandhealing.org/

ON THIS THANKSGIVING

 ~ from Joyce Floyd
 As this yet another Thanksgiving approaches since Peggy’s death, I look back to the first one. My thoughts at that time consisted of, “I WILL NOT pray and give thanks for anything or anyone.” The main thing on my mind was my daughter. I couldn’t give thanks for the short 24 years of her life and certainly not for her death. I had lived a fairly decent life, and this was my payment? How could God allow this to happen to our family?

The words thankful and thankless follow one another in my dictionary; so close together in a book, yet SO far apart in meaning. When you think about it, the difference between the two words is full and less. Those of us who have had more time still do have a fullness because we have learned to be thankful and appreciate that which we have LEFT in the way of family and memories….more so than we ever thought possible.

Now as I look over the many months and years that have passed, I have many thoughts and even more thank you’s:

• First I give thanks to God, who has given me a peace that passes all understanding, and Joy in the place of pain.
• I give thanks for surviving and still being ME
• I give thanks for where our family is now and for those who are still here to sit around our Thanksgiving table
• I give thanks for my husband Don, who deserves a medal for withstanding my heartbreak and standing beside me still
• I give thanks for Vickie, Randy, Donna and David, our 4 remaining children, who light up our eyes with each new day and for the 14 grandchildren they have blessed us with
• I give thanks for my friends, who were there in my sorrow and now share in some of my joys
• I give thanks for my beloved Mother, who chose to stand beside me and be my best friend during the hardest days of my life
• I give thanks for all of you Journey Moms, old or new, without you, I wouldn’t be here today
• I give thanks that the early days of my painful grief have passed
• I give thanks that I can rise each morning with a happier heart rather than feeling heartbroken and helpless and end up staying in bed all day
• I give thanks for the almost “whole” feeling I now experience
• I give thanks for Peggy and for what she gave us in her life and also in her death
• I am thankful for the gift of TODAY

NATIVE AMERICAN PRAYER

~~ Author Unknown ~~

I give you this one thought to keep –
I am with you still – I do not sleep

I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle Autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight,
I am the soft stars that shine at night

Do not think of me as gone
I am with you still – in each new dawn

THANKSGIVING - NEW MEMORIES

~ 1977-1981 by Priscilla Norton, Pawtucket, RI

For parents who have only recently (and recently can encompass months or years) suffered the death of a child, the holidays can seem unbearable. As we begin to prepare for Thanksgiving later this week, whether it is your first Thanksgiving without your child or many more, it may seem unbearable - we hope that memories of other mothers who have lived this journey from mourning to joy before us will offer some comfort...

I remember the inability to chew or swallow that first Thanksgiving after Linda died; the choked-back tears, the sick heart, the hollowness, the painful memories of Thanksgiving past, and the blessed relief sleep brought to my pain.

I remember – the busyness of working as a volunteer that second and third Thanksgiving after Linda died, and the good feeling it game me of “running away” from it all and the blessed relief sleep brought to my pain.

I remember – the inability to prepare any of her favorite foods that fourth Thanksgiving after Linda died, the tears that fell at the smell of the turkey cooking, the parade, the football game, the emptiness, the incomplete family, and the blessed relief sleep brought to my pain.

I remember awakening with a lightness and joy in my heart that fifth Thanksgiving after Linda died; the thankfulness for having my remaining family together, the beautiful memories of past Thanksgiving, the “wholeness” of me, and the blessed relief peace brought to my pain.

Inspirational Quote

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love. --Washington Irving

TAKE ONE STEP

Journey From Mourning to Joy Group Poem

Take one step, just one step,

That’s all you have to do today.

Take one step, just one little step,

By reaching out your hand to someone else.

Some of us have walked this path before you…..

It is a rough path, a very tough path, but we can make it!

Hang on to me, and I will hang on to you!

We may stumble, we may fall, but we will get up again.

And we will start again with just one little step

Your hands linked with mine….

And we will make it, yes we can make it, all of us together,

JUST ONE STEP AT A TIME!!! ~Author Unknown

A TIME OF MEDITATION

by ~ TCF Chapter ~ Terre Haught, IN

Thanksgiving – a time of meditation and thankfulness. Thanksgiving – a time of bitter pain and haunting memories for many bereaved parents. “How will we cope with the holidays?” “How will we survive this happy time?” “What is there to be thankful for?”

These questions toss upon our souls, at times at the very dark times, and taunt us with doubt and fear. Fighting the creeping bitterness, we wait and long for the days of January. As the years pass, however the holidays are no longer totally tinged with horror and emptiness. As the acceptance of the death settles in our hearts, the holiday smiles become more genuine. At least some of the warmth can return.

But for parents who have only recently (and recently can encompass months or years) suffered the death of a child, the holidays are bleak indeed.

Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that despondency and sorrow at this time of year or normal. What else could be expected of a grieving parent? Joy? Laughter? A sense of overflowing love and out-stretched arms? No…never.

But as all bereaved parents know, these very emotions, these emotions that seem so alien at this time in our lives, are often expected and even demanded. We are not only expected to forget: we are also expected to be filled with joy. What can we do?

We can refrain from demanding too much of ourselves. We can recognize that at this point, we are emotionally exhausted: we are lonely and we are sad. Maybe we are also angry, guilty and/or bitter. The feelings that arrive with the beginning of a holiday without our beloved children are not to be ignored or pushed aside into the corners of our hearts.

By recognizing all of this, we can say “no” to situations or people, even loved friends, who will create more pain. We can cry, silently or loudly, without shame. We can long for the essence of our children and we can remember them with love.

The dreams of lifetimes die when children die. The hurt is often nearly unbearable. But if we allow ourselves the freedom of grief and sorrow, we also open the paths to new happiness and new hopes and new dreams.

And the child who was a part of us will live in our memories and our hearts! I recently read a child’s book about beginnings and endings, depicting how days don’t end but night begins; autumn marks the beginning of winter, and leaves fall from the tree to the ground and feed the earth for new life. Death is a final ending to life on earth. For bereaved parents however who suffer the pain, the tragedy, the terrible doubts, the ending of a life can be a beginning of new feelings, new understanding, and hopefully, new compassion. But first, we need to follow the instincts of our souls and allow our bodies and hearts to grieve.

INCORPORATING LOSS INTO HOLIDAY RITUALS ~ THANKSGIVING

We hope you find this article, written by Candice Courtney in the Forum, October-December 2005, helpful in dealing with the holidays..

Incorporating loss into our lives requires that we also incorporate the loss into our rituals. Because ritual is often done in a more conscious and focused way, incorporating the loss into our rituals can help us to incorporate the loss into our lives. Whether rituals are simple or elaborate, practiced alone or in community, they serve a multitude of purposes in our lives. In grief, they can help us move toward acceptance, and they can help us to create a place in our life for the one(s) we have lost. They can also provide us with space to honor our sorrow, and to express our love.

Special times usually accentuate our sense of loss, and it is often suggested that we change how we normally do our holiday rituals to help make them less traumatic, such as having Thanksgiving dinner at a new location. But changing things just to change is not enough of a solution.

Often we need to change the rituals so that they address the needs we have in grief. As I worked my way through the difficult years that followed my husband’s death, I learned how to change life’s rituals to fit where I was in my grief.

For those struggling through this holiday season, I offer two simple rituals that may help as they make their way through the darkest season of the year, in the midst of what may be the darkest season of all their years.

THANKSGIVING
One of the reasons some people choose to have Thanksgiving dinner in a new location is to avoid “the empty chair.” If yours is a family where everyone has their own place at the table, you might have everyone sit in a different place to avoid the stark reminder of the empty place. Some though, might choose to leave the chair empty, and place a candle in front of it to signify that the spirit of this person is still present. Just before the meal the candle can be lit with words such as:

We light this candle in memory of Tony. His spirit still is a part of our lives. His love still shines onto us, and our love for him still glows in our hearts. As we share this feast of Thanksgiving, let us talk about those things for which we are most thankful to Tony — the things we learned from him, and the times that we laughed with him. In doing so, we affirm that he lives on in all of us.

FALL IS A SEASON OF MANY FEELINGS (Author Unknown)

Fall is here once again as it comes every year. With the leaves, my falling tears. This time is the hardest of all. My heart is still breaking, once again this fall. Memories once so vivid are seeming to fade. My time spent with you seems another age. This season reminds me of grief and pain. Yet teaches of hope and joy once again. For the trees are still living beneath their bark, and you my sweet child are still living in my heart!

Inspirational Quote

When someone comes into our lives. . . .
and they are too quietly and quickly gone,
they leave footprints on our hearts,
and their memory stays with us forever.

WHAT WE WISH OTHERS UNDERSTOOD ABOUT THE LOSS OF OUR CHILD

• I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child’s name. My child lived and was important, and I need to hear the name.

• If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me; the fact that my child died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you.

• Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.

• I wish my family wouldn’t “kill” my child again by removing from their homes his/her pictures, and other remembrances.

• I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs.

• I wish you wouldn’t think that if I have a good day my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling.

• I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately.

• It is the ultimate tragedy, and I wish you wouldn’t compare it to your loss of a parent, a spouse, or a pet.

• Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me.

• I wish you knew that all of the “crazy” grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal.

• Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following the death of a child.

• I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for me. As with alcoholics, I will never be “cured” or a “former bereaved parent,” but will forevermore be a “recovering bereaved parent.”

• I wish you understood the physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a host of illnesses; and be accident prone- all of which are related to my grief.

• Our child’s birthday, the anniversary of his death, and holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that you are thinking about our child on these days, and if we get quiet and withdraw, just know that we are thinking about our child and don’t try to coerce us into being cheerful.

• It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values and beliefs after losing a child. We will question things we have been taught all our lives and hopefully come to some new understanding with our God. I wish you would let me tangle with my religion without trying to make me feel guilty.

• I wish you wouldn’t offer me drinks or drugs. These are just temporary crutches and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal.

• I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

• If you keep waiting for me to “get back to my old self” you will stay frustrated.

• I am a new creature with new thought, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs.

• Please try to get to know the new me – maybe you’ll like me still.

• I believe that instead of sitting around and waiting for our wishes to come true, we have an obligation to tell people some of the things we have learned about our grief.

• We can teach these lessons with great kindness, believing that people have good intentions and want to do what is right, but just don’t know what to do with us.

Inspirational Quote

"The Opposite Of Depression is Expression" one of Joyce's favorite quotes

SISTERS IN GRIEF - A Favorite Poem

We all have something in common today

The gift of a child that was suddenly taken away

Our wonders, our whys and our feelings of disbelief

Have brought us all together as Sisters in Grief.

Whether our child’s stay with us was short or long

Nothing can replace the love we have that’s so strong.

It is the kind of a love that only mothers can share,

A love and a bond that you just can’t compare.

That bond that was created inside and continued throughout

Was something short of a miracle without a doubt.

And through the stories and the memories we are now passing on,

Our child continues to live, even though they are gone.

So as our wonders and whys slowly disappear as does our disbelief,

We will continue on this journey together celebrating their lives as Sisters in Grief.

And we must always remember that when it’s time for us to take that walk alone,

Our child will be there with open arms to welcome us home.

© 2009 Michele Siegman ~ Azusa, CA

FOR THE NEWLY BEREAVED

In the early minutes, days, weeks, months and even years of grief, we find ourselves in an all consuming grief and pain beyond description. We find it difficult to carry on our everyday lives or to think of little except our children's death. Even our once wonderfully happy memories, shared with our children while they lived, now bring us pain for a time.

Bereaved parents do not "get over" the death of our children nor "snap out of it" as the outside world seems to think we can and should. The death of our children is not an illness or a disease from which we recover. It is a life altering change with which we must learn to live.

With the death of our children we are forced to do the "impossible"; build a new life and discover a "new normal" for ourselves and our families in a world that no longer includes our beloved children. It is important for newly bereaved parents to know that they will experience a wide and often frightening variety of intense feelings after the death of our children.

It is also important for newly bereaved parents to understand and know that all of the feelings you experience are very natural and normal under the circumstances. Equally important for you to know and believe is that as much as you cannot possibly believe it, you will not always feel this powerful and all consuming grief.

But right now you must follow the instincts of your soul and allow your bodies and hearts to grieve. The grief resulting from your child's death cannot be skirted over, around or under. You must go through it in order to come out on the other side.

Be gentle and patient with yourself and your family. Allow yourself to cry, to grieve, and to retell your children's story as often as needed and for as long as you need to.

Eventually, you will smile and find joy again. You will never forget your child; he or she will be with you in your heart and memories for as long as you live.