A Grieving Fathers Prayer

As so many celebrate Father's Day today, please remember those dads & grandfathers with angel children & grandchildren, who are on the same grief journey and share that  same sense of loss that we felt on Mother's Day.. how well they too know that never ending heartache that time can't erase..  Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers and if you see them today, give them a special hug and remind that you remember them and their child and their pain and pray that they find peace and joy in their child/children's memories..

A Grieving Father’s Prayer

~ written by Laura/Heavenly Lights Children’s Memorial ~ www.heavenlylights.homestead.com

 Our Father… Who art in heaven…

I come to you with a heavy heart today…

I know you know… but I have lost my child…

And am feeling like I lost my way.

People seem to think I am so strong…

I am not invincible…I am not superman…

I am just a grieving father… missing my child

And could use a friendly helping hand.

I have always been the fixer-upper type of dad…

I could fix anything…ever since I was ten…

But I cannot fix the clock of time…

But, Please God, can you help me wind it up again?

Please bless all the grieving fathers…

Each hour throughout this day…

With the strength to keep moving ahead…

Even one baby step at a time…would be okay.

Please bless all grieving fathers…

Each day throughout this week…

And guide them on their journey of grief…

As the meaning of life they do seek.

Please bless all grieving fathers…

Each week this whole month through…

With memories to last a lifetime…

And understanding friends to turn to.

Please bless all grieving fathers

Each month throughout this year…

With hugs to comfort…in our time of need

And people to realize our grief doesn’t disappear.

Please bless all grieving fathers…

Each year until the end of time…

With faith in You…to see us through

From sunrise to sunset…for our whole lifetime.

Please God Bless all grieving fathers…

Each day throughout this year…

As seasons change…

And time unfolds…

Day by day…

Month by month…

Year by year…

And especially today…on this Father’s Day.

Amen

Facing Fathers Day with a Pit in your Stomach (repeated)

We posted this last June and the response was incredible so we are posting it again this year for all our dads & grandfathers..Fathers Day is just a week away and we want you to know that we are thinking of you an that we understand your quiet and often "unshared" grief....You are all in our thought and prayers this month and always...

~ By Tim Nelson, Author of A guide for Fathers When A Baby Dies - Tim and his wife, Monica, suffered the full-term stillbirth of their second child, Kathleen. While that was a number of years ago, Tim has stayed connected to the issue through his writing and speaking on the topic of father's grief following the death of an infant. Tim, like many men, had trouble talking about his feelings after his daughter's death. Tim hopes that his blog might be a place for dads to share their thoughts about what they are experiencing and find support from other dads - Visit Tim's Blog: www.fathersgrievinginfantloss.blogspot.com

"I think one of the most difficult things for me is talking to couples who have lost a child in the last year and hear them speak of the dread they feel as Mother's Day and Father's Day approach. I have written about this before and encouraged moms and dads to try and find a way to get through the day as best they can while allowing themselves to celebrate the fact that they are parents of a child they loved very much. I have to admit those words can sound pretty hollow, and I can't help but think to myself, "who am I kidding? -- it sucks and there is no way of avoiding it."

It also may not really help to know that for most of us, it does get easier as time goes by and we heal to the point of being able to feel more of the joy than the pain of our child's short life. It's good to have hope, but you still have to make it through those first holidays where it seems like everyone else is celebrating while you want to crawl under a rock and hope it can just go away.

I hope those of you who read this blog that have a little more time under your belt since your loss, can share things that you found helpful as you faced these difficult times. Some of you may have shared before, but know that there are always new people coming on board who could benefit from your experience and your hard earned wisdom.

There are just a couple of things I want to say again (hollow or not) because I honestly believe they are important to remember:

1) Yes..... you are a parent. For those whose loss was your first child, sometimes it's easy to fall into the trap of not thinking you have the "right" to celebrate these special days. Adding to the misconception is the fact that family and friends wrongly believe that they should not say anything or acknowledge the day for fear it might remind you that your baby died... (if only it were that easy to make the pain go away.)

2) Be creative. If you don't feel you can celebrate the day with the traditional brunch or family gathering, try and think of ways that you can make this day special for you and your baby. If that means going to the cemetery or visiting a place you recall being happy during your pregnancy, allow yourselves the opportunity to do that. Write a note to your child, release a balloon, visit a hospital or nursing home, go for a walk, cry, laugh, plant a bush (or flower or tree), smile..... most importantly, be around people who will let you do what you need to do... no matter who or how many that is.

3) Be hopeful. Ask yourselves what your baby would want this day to be like for you?

I could rattle on for a long time trying to be profound, but I'll spare you that. I would much rather have others of you who probably did a lot better job than myself in dealing with the sadness write your thoughts. It's when you share things that can help others (even if it's letting them know they are not the only ones hurting) that you give your child a voice and let them touch the world and make it better.

Good luck. You are not alone"

Reminder for Dads and Grandfathers-You are not alone...

You are not alone...

The strength of the men around me had always been something I envied, with one exception.. when my children died... It was during those three life events, when my three children died - my little girl Randee Marie in 1970 shortly after her birth-Randee and her twin brother Ric who is now 43 and the father of 2 of my beautiful grandchildren were born 12 weeks prematurely; again the following year when my 2nd daughter Robin Marie died tragically from SIDS, and then again in September 2009 when my 36 year old son Bobby, took his own life, leaving a wife and 2 very small sons - no when these incidents happened, I no longer envied the men in my life.....

Quite the opposite, although I remember wishing and praying I could be as strong as those men around me "Stoic, strong, unbending, unemotional, able to conceal the obvious overwhelming pain", but I eventually realized that all that I'd seen was not what it appeared...  I realized it was much more difficult for so many of the men who have these same tragic experiences...  the dads, grandfathers, uncles & brothers who experienced these horrific lose - why was it worse for them (an not easier as I'd thought), it was  because they couldn't openly grieve, or at least they felt they couldn't!

Because while most women don't try to "toughen up" during these most difficult hours, we just grieve without thinking about what other's think, we simply grieve in whatever way we do...but sadly, so many men feel they must be the strong one, the brave one, that they must hide their emotions, their tears and their pain.. but when it is the death of their child or grandchild, no man - father or grandfather should feel pressured to be anything but grieving...they like the women in their lives just need to be able to grieve, in whatever way they need to do to deal with the unimaginable grief.....

So dads and grandfathers, you aren't alone...  Thanks to other grieving dads who struggled with their own journeys of grief and have found ways to work with and help other grieving dads, like Kelly Farley at www.grievingdads.com and author of "Grieving Dads:  To the Brink and Back"; Dan Hoppes, who along with his wife Judy founded Heartbeat of Havasu for bereaved parents of children who ernded their own lives; and the grieving fathers and mothers who founded other support groups Bereaved Parents www.bereavedparentsusa.org  and The Compassionate Friends www.compassionatefriends.org and thousands of others in many communities throughout the United States and almost every country of the world...

Our children are not supposed to die before us, but sadly they do... And coping with hat horrible reality isn't easy so reach out... Anyone who loves and cares about you and your famjily will understand and if they don't that is their problem - not yours... we can only hope that they will never know this unimaginable heartache that comes for the death of our beloved children, no matter their age...

So know that you are in our thoughts and prayers in this month of June - the moth when Father'as Day is celebrated and also throughout the year... No matter how you grieve, know that you are without any doubt stronger than most around you because you have endured a pain and heartache like no other...  Cherie Houston

Gratitude the Key to Happiness

Yes, Father's Day is over for another year.. As we refocus our thoughts on our own Journey from Mourning to Joy, I thought you might enjoy this dads encouraging view on "getting through this challenge of grieving for our children", a challenge which at times seems overwhelming.  So many families are touched by the loss of their children yet it will never cease to amaze me, that for so many parents, like Richard Edier,, Tim Nelson and Kelly Farley and many other dads and moms, that through their grief they find the strength to reach out and help other moms and dads move forward.  To me it reinforces the fact that our children, although not here physically, will never be gone...  look what they continue to share with all of us through their parents...Cherie Houston

Gratitude: The Key to Happiness ~ by Richard Edler, TCF

"I am convinced that the real key to happiness is gratitude.  I did not come upon this insight, I learned it from Dennis Prager, a wonderful and gifted man who is both author and talk show host for KNBC radio in Los Angeles.  I give him all the credit.  But I have thought a lot about this idea after my son, Mark, died seven years ago.

At first, I was offended by people who smiled or even laughed during the TCF support group meetings.  These were the people who seemed to have somehow re-entered the land of the living.  How dare they greet each other with hugs.  How dare they laugh.  How dare they appear normal when their children have died.  But over the last seven years I have learned three valuable lessons.

Life goes on and we must too.  Gradually the pain eases and the warm memories replace the sadness. A Gradually we return to life.  One day we find that it is 11:00 in the morning and we have not thought about our child yet.  At first we feel guilt.  But then we also realize we are going forward.  We will never forget.  But we decide that the loss of our child will not be the all-consuming factor in our life.  We choose to enjoy friends again.  We choose to go out to dinner again.  We choose to laugh again.  I am convinced that this is what our children would want for us.  The pain does not bring our child back.  It only makes us miserable without end. 

Become grateful for what we have, not focused on what we lost.  I see people in group meetings who have gong through “every parent’s nightmare” and want no part of life again.  But, I ask that these compassionate friends also think about the ways they have been blessed, as well as hurt.  In my experience, most people have more to be thankful for than they realize: health, other children, a loving family, a career they enjoy, financial security, life in a free country, a faith that works for them, a true best friend, a spouse who they love.  Nobody has it all.  But compared to most of the world, we have a lot.

The life we now lead will be better than it would have been.  That does not make our child’s death a good thing.  It just means that our child’s life mattered, and it has changed us forever.  It means that in some small way the world will be better because our child lived, and we are the ones who can make it so.  We have a new sense of priorities.  We don’t “sweat the small stuff.”  We know what matters, we know how deeply other people hurt, because we, too, have been there.  We “know how they feel.”  And when our life is different and better because our child lived, then that child is never forgotten.  Each of us would do anything in the world to go back in time, but we can’t.  It is up to us now to go forward, and we can"

Remembering Grieving Dads on Fathers Day

There's no doubt that the loss of a child has the same rippling effect of that when we throw a pebble into the pond.. but for the spot of impact when the pebble hits, the two people affected most by the loss are the parents - and then the siblings - grandparents and so on.. So today as Father's Day is celebrated, please reach out to all the dads and grandfathers who are grieving and missing their "angel babies"... from all of us we hope that all dads will find peace and joy in the memories of their children who have gone before them.... 

A DAD HURTS TOO

~  by Judi Walker

People don't always see the tears a dad cries,

His heart is broken too when his child dies.

He tries to hold it together and be strong,

Even though his world's gone wrong.

He holds his wife as her tears fall,

Comforts her through it all,

He goes through his day doing what he's supposed to do,

But a piece of his heart has been ripped away too.

So when he's alone he lets out his pain,

And his tears come like falling rain,

His world has crashed in around him,

And a world that was once bright has gone dim.

He feels he has to be strong for others,

But Dads hurt too, not just the Mothers,

He searches for answers but none are to be found,

He hides behind a mask when he is feeling down.

He smiles through his tears,

He struggles and holds in his fears,

But what you see on the outside is not always real,

Men don't always show how they really feel.

So I'd like to ask a favor of you,

The next time you see a mother hurting

over the loss of her child,

please remember.....a Dad hurts too.

A note for grieving dads this Father's Day weekend

A few weeks ago, on June 2nd, I copied a posting from Kelly Farley's Blog for Grieving Dads on our blog.  This morning I'd like to share Kelly’s newest blog posting, which is the Preface in his book Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back which has just been published...  I'm hoping that Kelly's strength will help a grieving dad that you know cope with their new world without their child... and on this Father's Day weekend, they might be able to smile just a little when remembering the joy that child brought them... Cherie Houston

“AUTHOR’S PREFACE” from Kelley farley

It has been a very exciting and difficult 2.5 years trying to develop this book for grieving dads.  There were times I wasn’t sure it was going to happen and there were other times I thought I had taken on more than I could handle.  Times were I asked myself “am I the one to be doing this?”  It was a challenge to hear the stories and see the raw emotions, the pain in others that went to the core of the person, pain I was all to familiar with.  But there were other times where I knew I was the guy to be writing this book because I walked in the shoes of these grieving dads and it was my responsibility to look back and extend a hand to help pull others through the aftermath of losing a child.  Some of you have already purchased my new book and may have already read this, but I also wanted to share it with others that visit this blog.  Thank you to all for the continued support throughout this project.

“Author’s Preface”

If you have ever loved a child, then you understand what it’s like to love someone more than you love life itself. If you have ever lost a child, then you understand more about hell than anyone could possibly be expected to know.

If you have lost a child, you also understand this isn’t something you get over. Only those who have lost a child can understand the depths to which this pain travels.

Like most of the men who will read this book, I too am a grieving dad. I lost two beautiful babies over an eighteen-month period, and those losses have had major and irreversible impacts on my life. To be quite honest, my psychological response to these losses scared the hell out of me. I felt out of control — because I was out of control. I couldn’t change the fact that my children died. I couldn’t stop hurting. I didn’t just cry — I physically wept inside. There were times when there were no tears, and it felt like I was convulsing internally.

All of this scary stuff started to pile up on me, and when I finally decided to check my “manly” inclinations at the door and seek a bit of help, I discovered that I was in for a surprise. Almost all of the resources I could find on the subject of grieving for a child was directed either toward women or “parents.” I put “parents” in quotation marks, because in my experience, most of what I read for grieving parents was written for mothers. If I did come across something aimed at grieving dads, it was usually advice about how to comfort their wives.

I’m sure there’s something worthwhile out there. But in the absence of anything that jumped out and kicked me in the head, I decided to pursue the issue myself. Part of the result can be found right here within these pages.

The message I want bereaved fathers to understand is that I know it’s hard, I know it hurts, I know it’s scary — but you can get through this. You can survive. It will be the hardest thing you will ever experience; it will drain you physically, mentally, and emotionally. You can come out on the other side of this very long and lonely tunnel, but you will be a different person when you do. There is no going back to the old you.

I also want all grieving dads to know that they are not alone in their grief. I want them to understand that other men have been through this and that the emotions they keep inside are the same emotions they’ll hear about from the many men whose stories appear in this book.

Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back aims to bring awareness to the impacts that child loss has upon fathers. It is also meant to let society know it’s okay for a father to grieve the loss of a child. Society expects men to react differently than women. As a result, men oftentimes grieve in silence, usually when they are alone. A father shouldn’t have to hide his pain or feel ashamed to show his emotions when dealing with the loss of a child.

I am also hopeful that this book will bring insight to the women in these men’s lives about how their husbands, brothers, fathers, or male friends may be feeling.

You will hear from the men in this book that life has been forever changed after the death of a child. It is virtually impossible to continue through life as if nothing happened; you can’t run from it, and you can’t hide from it. Society expects men to “take it like a man,” but it’s not realistic or fair to ask a father to behave that way. The best thing any father can do for himself and for others around him is to reach out for help, and to know it is not a sign of “weakness” to do so. Instead, it’s a sign of courage and strength — the kind that’s required to face this battle head on.

During the deepest, darkest days of my grief, I made a promise to my daughter, Katie, my son, Noah, and myself that once I was strong enough, I would reach out to other dads that are traveling this lonely road known as unspeakable loss. I would do this to help these other dads come to terms with their loss, to help them find their way, to help them cope, and somehow, to help them survive this profound life event. I didn’t know how I would do all of this, but I would find a way.

This book is a result of that promise.

For more information about Kelly’s book and his wonderful blog for dads (and moms)… at this link which is also on our list of favorite websites..:

http://www.grievingdads.com/ 

Facing Father's Day with a pit in your stomach

~ By Tim Nelson, Author of A guide for Fathers When A Baby Dies - Tim and his wife, Monica, suffered the full-term stillbirth of their second child, Kathleen. While that was a number of years ago, Tim has stayed connected to the issue through his writing and speaking on the topic of father's grief following the death of an infant. Tim, like many men, had trouble talking about his feelings after his daughter's death. Tim hopes that his blog might be a place for dads to share their thoughts about what they are experiencing and find support from other dads - Visit Tim's Blog: www.fathersgrievinginfantloss.blogspot.com

"I think one of the most difficult things for me is talking to couples who have lost a child in the last year and hear them speak of the dread they feel as Mother's Day and Father's Day approach. I have written about this before and encouraged moms and dads to try and find a way to get through the day as best they can while allowing themselves to celebrate the fact that they are parents of a child they loved very much. I have to admit those words can sound pretty hollow, and I can't help but think to myself, "who am I kidding? -- it sucks and there is no way of avoiding it."

It also may not really help to know that for most of us, it does get easier as time goes by and we heal to the point of being able to feel more of the joy than the pain of our child's short life. It's good to have hope, but you still have to make it through those first holidays where it seems like everyone else is celebrating while you want to crawl under a rock and hope it can just go away.

I hope those of you who read this blog that have a little more time under your belt since your loss, can share things that you found helpful as you faced these difficult times. Some of you may have shared before, but know that there are always new people coming on board who could benefit from your experience and your hard earned wisdom.

There are just a couple of things I want to say again (hollow or not) because I honestly believe they are important to remember:

1) Yes..... you are a parent. For those whose loss was your first child, sometimes it's easy to fall into the trap of not thinking you have the "right" to celebrate these special days. Adding to the misconception is the fact that family and friends wrongly believe that they should not say anything or acknowledge the day for fear it might remind you that your baby died... (if only it were that easy to make the pain go away.)

2) Be creative. If you don't feel you can celebrate the day with the traditional brunch or family gathering, try and think of ways that you can make this day special for you and your baby. If that means going to the cemetary or visiting a place you recall being happy during your pregnancy, allow yourselves the opportunity to do that. Write a note to your child, release a balloon, visit a hospital or nursing home, go for a walk, cry, laugh, plant a bush (or flower or tree), smile..... most importantly, be around people who will let you do what you need to do... no matter who or how many that is.

3) Be hopeful. Ask yourselves what your baby would want this day to be like for you?

I could rattle on for a long time trying to be profound, but I'll spare you that. I would much rather have others of you who probably did a lot better job than myself in dealing with the sadness write your thoughts. It's when you share things that can help others (even if it's letting them know they are not the only ones hurting) that you give your child a voice and let them touch the world and make it better.

Good luck. You are not alone"

Fathers Day, A Grandfather's View

~ Bill Fausett, BP Central Arkansas Chapter

Now well into my fifties and knowing Father’s Day is approaching once again, I find myself recalling my very first. It was a beautiful Sunday morning, June 16, when I became a father for the first time, a Father’s Day I will never forget. Already prepared with the traditional cigars, I had to be a turkey, strutting his stuff . Many of the Father’s Days after that were spent away from home working and never stopping to think just how special this day really is.

After my retirement, a few years back, I became a grandfather and my whole life changed. I never dreamed I would be changing diapers, giving bottles, in the middle of the floor playing dolls, or outside watching bugs, birds, butterflies, bees, squirrels, rabbits, and loving every minute of it, with the most beautiful granddaughter anyone has ever seen (my opinion, of course).

That was a special year for me. I found myself asking the wife, “Did our kids do that?” many times, and she telling me, “yes”, but you were working or just didn’t notice. My granddaughter taught me more about the beauty of life and how much I had missed in the short time she was here that I could have ever imagined!

We lost her at 13 months, 2 days, and 22 hours due to a very rare genetic disorder and again my life changed. This Father’s Day will be spent with my family and a new grandson, now two and half years old, and a great little guy. I see much of the same inquisitive nature in him. Making sure each visit he has is a good time, I think I do it out of obligation and not with the joy that I once had, but when you see that smile on his face, you know you made his day a little better and that makes it all worthwhile.

Memories are a part of our past and some become a part of our heart. At the end of Father’s Day, when everyone has gone to bed, I will sit at my desk, drink one more cup of coffee, say a prayer and, once again, tell my granddaughter just how much I love and miss her and somehow I know she knows and in my mind will hear her say, “Pa Paw, I love you too. Take time to smell the roses.”

Men Do Cry - preparing for Fathers Day next week

Fathers Day is next Sunday, June 17th and for dads who are grieving, this holiday can be an especially difficult challenge...  For so many of us who grieve for our children, certain days - like Fathers Day, birthdays and memorial anniversaries can be Grief Triggers, and for dads who often work hard to hide their emotions, the pain can be almost unbearable.

Since the deaths of my own three children, it always saddens me to watch grieving dads struggle with their unwritten sense of pride and responsibility, watching as they try to hide or cover their pain, often feeling guilty for showing their emotions - afraid of appearing weak...  To me, tears and emotions are simply releases that allow us to survive this journey and I've always believed that all the tears we shed for our children are simply representative of our tremendous love for them and therefore OK...  I've received so many poems from parents and grandparents, for use on our blog for various events, but of all that I've received, this one seems the most appropriate as dads prepare themselves this week for the "Grief Trigger" that Fathers Day brings...

MEN DO CRY

~ by Ken Falk

I heard quite often "men don’t cry"

though no one ever told me why.

So when I fell and skinned a knee,

no one came by to comfort me.

And when some bully-boy at school

would pull a prank so mean and cruel,

I’d quickly learn to turn and quip,

"It doesn’t hurt," and bite my lip.

So as I grew to reasoned years,

I learned to stifle any tears.

Though "Be a big boy" it began,

quite soon I learned to "Be a man."

And I could play that stoic role

while storm and tempest wracked my soul.

No pain or setback could there be

could wrest one single tear from me.

Then one long night I stood nearby

and helplessly watched my son die.

And quickly found, to my surprise,

that all that tearless talk was lies.

And still I cry, and have no shame.

I cannot play that "big boy" game.

And openly, without remorse,

I let my sorrow takes its course.

So those of you who can’t abide

a man you’ve seen who’s often cried,

reach out to him with all your heart

as one whose life’s been torn apart.

For men DO cry when they can see

their loss of immortality.

And tears will come in endless streams

when mindless fate destroys their dreams.

Ken has been a member of the Northwest Connecticut Chapter of The Compassionate Friends

Fathers Day can be difficult for grieving dads & grand dads

~ by Cherie Houston

I received an update a few days ago from "Kelly Farley" about his new book coming out this month "Grieving Dads:  To the Brink and Back"  ..  Kelly is a wonderful dad, a dad who has lost both of his children (Noah in 2006 and Katie in 2004) and since that time has committed himself to helping other dads on their grief journey...  As I read Kelly's update and then the post on his blog, I was reminded that with the arrival of June, comes the impending Fathers Day Holiday.  Fathers Day, for many dads like Kelly, can be a major grief trigger and just as overwhelming as Mothers Day is for all of us moms who have had a child or children die...

No matter what, each and every parent must know and remember that once we are moms and dads, we are always moms & dads...even when our children are in heaven!!

As moms, we certainly know all about the feelings that come with our child’s death – but it shouldn’t be any surprise then that dads are feeling those same feelings but many dads truly feel responsible for not having kept their child safe and they assume so much more responsibility and blame. Our society has put an undue burden on dads, making them feel as though they are responsible for protecting their family – for protecting them and keeping them safe.  Unfortunately, that isn’t always possible.

So many times, dads get so angry with themselves after the death of their child or children and that anger often turns inward creating crippling burdens of depression. To make matters worse so many dads have to “rush” right back to work – after all the bills don’t stop coming in, the mortgage and utilities still need to be paid …  often for many dads they dive back into their work “head first” because it is something they feel they can control, whereas they weren’t able to control and avoid the death of their child… So many of us are so blinded by our own grief, that it can be easy to miss the grief that our children’s fathers and siblings are also experiencing…It’s not intentional, but it’s important that we remind them that blaming or punishing themselves only adds more pain for everyone and it will not replace our beloved children.. We can’t protect our children from everything – life doesn’t happen that way..

So as Father’s Day approaches, remember that the “dads and grand dads” who are grieving the loss of a child, are impacted just as much by these specials days, every bit as much as we, the moms, are – although most men don’t show it.. Share the day with them, remind them what a wonderful dad they were – even if it was for the short time during a pregnancy, or for those few days weeks or months of a baby’s life or for those who were blessed to have helped raise the child to adulthood…  Reassure them that they are not to blame – that you still love them more than ever, and that our children are safe in the hands of God until we see them again…


Personally I've already pre-ordered several of Kelly's books for friends and family who, like us,  have experienced the death of a child or children.. if you would like more information about Kelly, his blog or his book.. I would encourage your to visit his website, which is always listed on our list of websites, and here:


http://www.grievingdads.com/home-page/

Helping a grieving dad this Father's Day

How many times have you thought or asked the following questions after your child died about the father of your child who has died…

• “Since our little boy died my husband fights the tears and holds them back?”


• “Our child died but my husband finds it so hard to express his emotions?”


• “I know my husband loved our child, but I don’t understand what’s happening with him – either he’s done grieving or he just can’t deal with it..


• "I don’t understand him? AndI don’t think he understands me either…?”

There’s no doubt that each of us different and that includes the way in which we react to and grieve for our children, but studies show there are most likely genetic differences in the way men and women handle grief and I'm sure it's also environmental, in the way in which we’ve been conditioned since childhood. We all know that typically it's much harder for men to show their emotions and this is no different when it comes to the way in which they grieve.. I do think however that this has changed a little for the better with the younger generation of men…

It is so important to encourage the men in our lives to accept their true feelings as normal, bypass role expectations, and give themselves permission to grieve.

I read an article recently in one of The Compassionat Friend websites addressing this issue and they spoke of the variolus roles that men are conditioned to play or be and no doubt these roles can and do impact the grief process for dads and men in general:

One role is that of MACHO-MAN, a role which begins during boyhood (Big boys don’t cry) and is reinforced by the media and females indoctrinated with the same conditioning. On an unconscious level, men usually accept the macho role.

After the death of a child, fathers as well as mothers have a desperate need to express the emotions of grief. Feelings of sadness are triggered by the obvious absence of the child, family events, memories, pictures, and holidays. Society will accept a father’s crying at the time of his child’s death or at the memorial service or funeral, but not long afterwards.

Because a man is less able to verbalize his pain, he and his wife may have difficulties as they attempt to support and understand each other. Unless they can understand and discuss their different grief responses, they may have additional problems in an already distressed marriage.

When dealing with the death of a child, a father can feel a sense of failure in his role as PROTECTOR. (Men assume quite naturally the role of protector of wives, children, and property.) He begins to ask himself why he didn’t do something that would have prevented the death. He fails again in this role because he cannot protect his family from the pain of grief or shield them from the devastating effects of his own grief.

The role of PROVIDER commonly causes a father to return to work very soon after his child’s death. He may have problems at work or he may reinvest himself in his job, attempting to forget his loss. Because at home he cannot avoid facing the death of his child, he tries to find activities which will prevent his being at home too much. The demand of his job force a father to grieve at a different rate than his wife.

As a boy grows up, his parents encourage him to “stand on your own two feet,” so he assumes the role of the SELF-SUFFICIENT MAN. When coping with the death of his own child, he may feel he should be able to handle it alone. Men tend to share about what they do, rather than what they feel. The need to maintain a self-sufficient posture often keeps fathers away from meetings, peer sharing, and professional help.
Understanding the male conditioning and the impact it has on the grief process is very important for moms and dads alike.

The suggestions to help grieving dads, aren’t much different from those that we as moms often hear and find helpful:

• Give yourself permission to grieve


• Learn to cry again


• Talk to your family, explaining that you don’t always grieve the way they do


• Take time for yourself


• Direct your anger at things, not people


• Talk to other bereaved fathers


• Dads should be encouraged to join a support group especialy one for men only


• Do some daily exercises


• Don’t hesitate to seek professional help

As Father's Day approaches, know that grieving dads are also hurting and often bracing themselves as we do when Mother's Day approaches.. Yes, no matter how long ago their child died, the age of their child or circumstances of their childs death - once a dad, always a dad and they deserve the same recognition and encouragement that we also needed - and for sure, a hug can certainly go a long way to help heal their broken heart...

“Ways to Support a Grieving Dad” Part 2 of 2

Continued from our blog posting on Friday, June 3rd…

“Ways to Support a Grieving Dad” Part 2 of 2 (Posted May 23, 2011 by GrievingDads) Written by Kelly Farley:

I was recently asked to write a short article on ways to support a grieving dad and thought I would share the article here on this blog.

Positive Ways to Support a Grieving Dad

As a result of the Grieving Dads Project, I have spoken to hundreds of grieving dads and the one thing I have learned is people need to tell their story. Not only do they need to tell their story, they need to be allowed to share their emotions while telling their story. The following are a few ways to provide support to the Grieving Dads you may know:

1. Encourage them to talk about what they are feeling and thinking (even the really dark stuff).

2. Remind them that they are not alone.

3. Let them speak openly about their pain.

4. Do not try to solve their problems and be a good listener.

5. Encourage them to find support groups for men. These groups could be grief related or a group of men that are all dealing with various life struggles.

6. Do not push them through their grief and allow them to tell their stories.

7. Allow them the time to process what has happen to them.

8. Allow them to turn to or away from their faith as needed.

9. If they start to cry, let them, it helps cleanse the soul.

10. Let them know you are there for them at anytime of the day, and mean it.

Keep in mind that people who are grieving are ultra sensitive so it is important to think before you speak. Understand how your words may be interrupted by the receiver. If you really don’t know what to say, say nothing. There is healing in silence so it is better to sit quietly and listen than to fill the air with words that are not helpful.

Any other suggestions on how to help a grieving dad (or mom)?

Kelly’s website: http://www.grievingdads.com/

Kelly’s blog: http://www.grievingdads.wordpress.com/

“Ways to Support a Grieving Dad” Part 1 of 2

As June arrives and thoughts turn to the upcoming Father’s Day holiday, I would like to introduce you to Kelly Farley, a breaved father of 2 children. I also want to share with you Kelly’s website.

The following is blog posting that Kelly wrote several days ago and with Kelly's permission I am going to share with you, part of it today and the remainder on Sunday, June 5th...I’m so glad I’ve found Kelly’s blog and hope you will also find it enlightening, inspirational and helpful for us and the men in our lives who are also grieving for their children and grandchildren who have gone too soon. Sadly, men don’t always show their grief – society often dictates that they be strong despite the heartache they are enduring.. Kelly not only shares his grief but is a source for other dads and granddads to do the same… I have also taken the liberty of adding the links to Kelly’s blog and website to our blog for your future reference…Cherie Houston

“Ways to Support a Grieving Dad” Part 1 of 2 (Posted May 23, 2011 by GrievingDads) Written by Kelly Farley:

I was recently asked to write a short article on ways to support a grieving dad and thought I would share the article here on this blog. 

Positive Ways to Support a Grieving Dad

I often hear from grieving dads that tell me they feel alone in their grief after the death of their child. It amazes me that after going through something as profound as the death of a child, that these men feel so alone and isolated. As much as it amazes me, I can relate because I too felt alone after the death of my two children.

I felt so alone that I would go online and search for other grieving dads that were out there. However, I didn’t find what I was looking for or needed at that point in my grief. I didn’t find it because most men do not feel like they have permission to tell their story or to share how they are feeling out of fear of being looked at as less than a man or weak. We all know that society is not comfortable with an openly grieving person, but they are even more uncomfortable with a man showing his emotions.

This problem comes from men being taught at a young age that we should not show “weakness” and that we have to “be strong”. As a result of these “lessons” we do everything we can to hide our pain. We try to take on the role of protector. We feel it is our role to help our wives through the loss and to keep everything operating in the household. This approach only prolongs the grief process and can delay it for years.

Because most people in society feel uncomfortable with a grieving parent’s pain, they want to try to solve their problem, but they can’t. This isn’t something you can give a pep talk for and expect the person to walk away feeling differently. You cannot solve this problem.

It took me a long time and a lot of internal pain to realize I had to address my own pain before I could help my wife through hers. I realized it was important that we should travel this journey together, helping each other when we can. Once I realized I need to address my own pain, I started to open myself up to others that were there to help me.

Once I started to address my pain, I made it my mission to reach out to other grieving dads and so I started the Grieving Dads Project as a way to create a resource for men and provide a location where these dads can go to speak honestly and openly about what they are dealing with. This blog is a place where these men can go and not feel so alone and to realize that other men are thinking and feeling the same way.

As part of building the Grieving Dads Project, I have traveled the last year conducting workshops and speaking to child loss support groups as well as conducting one-on-one interviews with grieving dads. These interviews were designed to help me capture the rawness of this profound grief. The information I learned and the stories I heard will be told with brutal honesty in a book that will provide a glimpse into the aftermath of what grieving dads deal with when a child dies.

The remainder of Kelly's post will be posted on our blog, Sunday, June 5th...

Kelly’s website: http://www.grievingdads.com/

Kelly’s blog: http://www.grievingdads.wordpress.com/

Never Forgottern

June the month of graduations, weddings, more memories and of course Father's Day... so although this is a blog for Mom's, the next few posts will be dedicated to our partners - our other half in the creation of our child and children... The pain for dads is as devastating and unbearable as it is for each of us moms, but in so many cultures, and sadly that's most, dads seem to feel and be made to feel that their emotions associated with grief are signs of weakness. That simply isn't true - no matter who and what we are, male - female - young - old, the emotions of grieving, in my opinion, are simply the signs of having truly loved someone special to us, but especially when it is our child - someone we created....

So as Father's Day approaches on Sunday, June 19th, this is the first of several things I'm going to share with you leading up to "Father's Day"... And I hope you will share them with a dad or granddad or any male who sadly has joined this club of having lost their beloved child or children.... Cherie Houston

~ Written by Vicki Tushingham, TCF~

I recently had an experience that touched my heart and I want to share it with you. I have a new job as General Manager of a private tennis club. My first week at the club, I met a member known to all as “Old Bill.”

Bill is 92 years old and perfectly independent and active. He comes to the club most every Friday, enjoys lunch and, weather permitting, a game of tennis. “Old Bill” likes to talk, and we became fast friends. He told me how he had lost his wife a few years back and how he misses her, particularly so, he said, because it was just the two of them. Bill then went on to tell me that he and his wife had lost their only child when she was 8 ½ years old.

He asked if the story was boring me; I assured him it was not, because I too, had lost my only child. Bill then sat down and told me the story of his little Shirley’s life and death, just as we all tell our stories at support group meetings. He had the same need to tell it again as we all do. But he told it with pride and joy blended with the sorrow of his loss. “She was a beauty,” he said, “and bright as a button.” If she had lived, she would be 70 years old today; she’s been gone 62 years. In turn, I told him of my Sandy.

Though I cried for Bill’s loss of Shirley as I do for all of us, I was comforted by the confirmation that, while decades pass, our children are never forgotten.

I’ll now know of a little girl named Shirley, who will always be loved and never forgotten by her dad, and as I pass this story along, you too will know “Old Bill’s Little Shirley.”

Helping Kids Who've Lost Dads, Celebrate Father’s Day

When a child loses a parent, holidays like Fathers Day can be especially painful and difficult. But their loss and the holiday is not something that can or should be ignored or avoided. It can be a time of healing – here are some thoughts.

1. Talk With The Mother About the Father’s Day Plans  - Communication is always helpful and as we know, some children deal very well with the loss, at least until they hit middle school. So, if you would like to help them celebrate, talk with their mom. Ask her what her plans are and tell her what you would like to do and ask if there is anything she would suggest. Working together, it can be a great chance to help them move forward.

2. Share Their Grief - Talk about their dad - most children love hearing stories about their dad - especially when their dad was their current age. Let children know how much you miss their dad also - this helps to validate that missing someone is very OK and very normal.  Children of any age can never hear often enough about their dad’s wonderful qualities, how important they were to him and how much he loved them.. Reassure them that he will always be with them in their hearts and that they can speak to him whenever and wherever they would like.

3. Celebrate their dad's life and their life together - Children can and should be given the choice to be included in classroom or other special projects for the holiday.  Let the child decide what they are comfortable with. Many children are not comfortable visiting the cemetery or other final resting place, so consider other more pleasant options; remind them how wonderful it is to create new & different traditions..

• Planting a tree, plant or other living reminder of their dad is a wonderful way to celebrate his life
• Create a memory book or collage of wonderful times they've shared together - this can be done with or without pictures
• Encourage children to put their thoughts, ideas and memories down on paper, in a card, letter or drawing.
• Many children enjoy writing notes to their dads and sending their notes to their dads in heaven, via a helium balloon or out to sea in a bottle at the ocean..
• Encourage & allow children to express themselves and their memories in their own way – no way is the right way – and what they choose will differ greatly depending on their ages, circumstances of the death and how recent it has been…  

As with anyone who has lost someone they love – be there for them – listen – and allow them to feel free to speak about their dad..

Remind them, no matter what – he will always be their dad..