It Begins with Halloween - the dreaded Holiday Season

IT BEGINS WITH HALLOWEEN

~ by Kim Brundt

The holidays can be nightmares in the making for parents who have buried their child/baby. After all, most holidays are geared toward children, children who are no longer here with us. We may not have other living children to carry on the celebration with, or we may be unable to emotionally do so if there are other children.  

The period most dreaded begins with Halloween and runs through the New Year. I remember wishing that I could go to sleep on October 30th and not wake up until January 3rd or 4th. But, realistically we all know that this is not a possibility. So, what can a hurting parent do to survive these days that can bring us so much pain?

To begin with, be gentle with yourself, your spouse or significant other and any surviving children. Talk to each other. Find out what each is feeling before making any decisions as to what you will or will not do.

If surviving children are too young to really know what’s going on, then they probably will not miss out if you decide to not put up a tree. Even older children may need to downplay the first holidays after losing a baby sister or brother, and are uncomfortable telling their already hurting parents. Once you and your immediate family decide what is right, you then tell the extended family what has been decided. Do not allow others to pressure you into doing something that is not comfortable.

I know from experience and from speaking with many other hurting moms and dads that often our anticipation of the holiday is worse than the actual day itself. This is especially true if you have given the days ahead a lot of thought and have decided on a plan of what you would like to try to do.  There are many ways to include your child into your holiday plans. Some ideas I have used and

heard of are:

·         Buying and decorating a balled Christmas tree. That tree can later be planted in honor of your child.

·         Ordering special flowers to place in a special spot in your house or to carry with you to other houses as you go.

·         Decorating your child’s grave and visiting the grave before or after the day’s activity.

·         Dedicating the altar flowers at your place of worship in your child’s name.

·         Donating gifts that you would have bought for your child to a needy child. (Many parents have found a special peace by being able to go out and actually buy the special things for their children that they had been planning on all along, then pass them on to another child whose Christmas may not have been as special otherwise.)

·         Lighting a candle or placing an ornament on a tree to honor your child.

·         Attending a special service dedicated to the honor of our children such as the International Candlelight Ceremony (held the 2^nd Sunday in December worldwide*).

The ideas are endless and very personal. It is important to look into your own heart and do what

brings you and yours the peace you need. If you are not sure if something is right, try it out and, if it is not what you expected, then next year try something else.

I know if I look hard enough in my heart, I usually will find what I need to do for my boys, Jonathan and Jacob.  I will light a candle this year as I do every year in honor and celebration of all our children. I will say a special prayer for you and as always my wish for you is peace, hope and love in the days ahead.

With hugs and more hugs, Kim Brundt

Lovingly lifted from BP/USA  -Central Savannah River Area Chapter

*This years annual Candlelight Ceremony will be held on Sunday evening, December 9th, 2012 at the Calvary Baptist Church in Lake Havasu City, AZ - check with your local bereaved parents support group to find out where & when they will holding their candlelight ceremony...

Grief reactions when we lose our beloved children...

Losing a child.... no one has to tell any of us who have had this experience, that without question, it is by far the most devastating thing that can happen to anyone in their life…   There are so many days in the first weeks, months and years when we truly feel as though we are losing it and unable to cope with even the smallest things – it’s important for you to remember, that no matter what you are feeling – your feelings are normal…

Time does not erase your pain or the severity of your loss – but what time will do, is soften the pain and heartache.  Until then, remember that what you are going through and feeling are all normal and the price we pay for loving our children as much as we did and will continue to love then as long as we live…  so be patient with yourself and those around you as you continue on this journey, one step at a time…

Grief reactions following the death of a child are similar to those following other losses, but are often more intense and last longer. Parents commonly experience the following grief reactions:

·         Intense shock, confusion, disbelief, and denial—even if the child's death was expected

·         Overwhelming sadness and despair, such that facing daily tasks or even getting out of bed can seem impossible

·         Extreme guilt—some parents will feel they have failed in their role as their child's protector and will dwell on what they could have done differently

·         Intense anger and feelings of bitterness and unfairness at a life left unfulfilled

·         Fear or dread of being alone and overprotecting their surviving children

·         Feelings of resentment toward parents with healthy children

·         Feeling that life has no meaning and wishing to be released from the pain or to join the deceased child

·         Questioning or loss of faith or spiritual beliefs—assumptions about the world and how things should be do not fit with the reality of a child's death

·         Dreaming about the child or feeling the child's presence nearby

·         Feeling intense loneliness and isolation, even when with other people—parents often feel that the magnitude of their loss separates them from others and that no one can truly understand how they feel

·         Some people expect that grief should be resolved over a specific time, such as a year, but this simply is not true. The initial severe reactions are not experienced continuously with such intensity; rather periods of intense grief come and go over a period of 18 months or more. Many parents find that the pain the second year is often more intense than the first because reality truly begins to set-in that they are never coming back... Over time, waves of grief gradually become less intense and less frequent, but feelings of sadness and loss will likely always remain.

·         Developmental milestones in the lives of other children can trigger emotions of grief even years after a child's death. Significant days such as graduations, weddings, or the first day of a new school year are common “grief triggers”.

·         Most parents, no matter how long it's been since their child died, find themselves thinking about how old their child would be or what he or she would look like or be doing if he or she were still alive.

Remember you are not alone on this painful and sometimes frightening journey – together we can and will support each other, so don’t try to do it alone…  

The first years of this grief journey...

The death of a child - a child at any age - is such a traumatic, life-altering experience.   At first, you can't even comprehend the facts, no matter how hard you try to absorb them - your heart isn't ready...  It's not denial, because in those initial hours, days and weeks, denial isn't even possible yet because you truly can't comprehend what has and is happening around you.....  


In the days, weeks and months to follow, ever so slowly you allow yourself to relive those initial moments over and over again - each time allowing yourself to "stay in those initial moments - just a little longer"..  Initially it's as though we are dreaming and if we can just dream a little longer we can change the outcome...  With time, we stay there a little longer trying to absorb our surroundings and what we are hearing - eventually we stay there as long as we do, not wanting to let go - for fear if we accept what we are being told - we will begin to let go of them and all that they were to us...  I think all of these moments are simply a way of our brain "bracing us" for the horrible truth & facts, yes our brain fortunately will only allow it in, in very small doses, bits and pieces at a time..  


The first year after my 3 children died I think we are always preparing for the next "first" very much like a new parent - only these firsts are all so frightening...  Those "first" holidays - birthdays, anniversaries, milestones.. And then of course all the every day things that can knock the wind out of us as though we've been punched! The pictures, songs, foods, smells, opening of closets & bureau drawers or even the door to their room or home, all of the simplest of things that we will eventually recognize and call "grief triggers" - those things that can catapult us without any warning back into the depths of that black hole...  Finally, just as we begin to prepare ourselves for the first anniversary of our child going home to heaven, to earning their wings, yes, it's 365 days later and so many of us have this misconception that we will finally begin to feel just a little better, and then we realize - we won't..  Not yet - we still have a long way to go on the journey..

Although we will feel different as we move forward on the journey, because thankfully the depths of our grief will never return to those initial dark hours, days, weeks and months...  But understand, that grief is a journey and the first year is simply the worst and most frightening part of the journey...  But as time goes on, accept that this journey will continue.  Differently of course, but it does continue...  

Many moms who've traveled this journey before will softly warn "newly bereaved moms" not to be surprised if the second and third year of grief are actually more intense in a different way,  than that first year. It is different - because again remember when we look back on that first year it so often feels like a bad dream, a total foggy blur..  Even for moms and dads who returned to work soon after, when they look back later - most remember very little about that first year - our brains never allow us to relive excruciating pain of any kind - and the heartbreak of losing a child is the most excruciating pain we will ever endure... Furthermore, we can't imagine how we made it through, but we did!! 

In the second and subsequent years, the reality really sets in with a piercing, almost "stop your breath" intensity. Be prepared - this is normal - no you aren't going crazy - your heart is continuing to heal, it just takes time..  This pain of grief is simply the price we pay for loving our children as much as we do...  


Continue to be patient, loving and gentle with yourself as you stay the course and continue on your unique journey - it is a journey from mourning to joy and yes, eventually you will find peace and joy and a new normal that works for you....  In the meantime, know that you are in the thoughts and prayers of all your sisters in grief..  ~ Cherie Houston

The Grieving Person’s Bill of Rights

The Grieving Person’s Bill of Rights ~ Author Unknown Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain “rights” no one should try to take away from you. The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to help you decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones. 1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief. No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. When you turn to others for help, don’t allow them to tell you what you should or should not be feeling. 2. You have the right to talk about your grief. Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. 3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions. Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don’t take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition. 4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don’t allow others to push you into doing things you don’t feel ready to do. 5. You have the right to experience grief “attacks.” Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but it is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out. 6. You have the right to make use of ritual. The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of some one loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More important, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you that rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don’t listen. 7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality. If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry with God, find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment. 8. You have the right to search for meaning. You may find yourself asking, “Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?” Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you have to be thankful for,” are not helpful and you do not have to accept them. 9. You have the right to treasure your memories. Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them. 10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

May 1st - a sign that Mother's Day is just around the corner

~ by Cherie Houston, Journey from Mourning to Joy, LHC, AZ

Yes it's May 1st - and no doubt the commercials and ads for Mothers Day are everywhere... Another holiday that seems to knock us down and remind us - like cold water thrown at us - that our child or children are no longer here.

For parents who have lost their only child - holidays like Mother's Day and Father's Day can be almot unbearable, and even for those of us who are blessed to have other children, grand-children or great-grand-children often find holidays like Mother's Day difficult - yes they can be "grief triggers" that catapult us down the mountain into that roaring river of grief...

Nothing we can do or say can ease these triggers - the waves of emotions that you might experience;  but one thing I've learned over the years and you may have heard (and it's true) is that the anticipation of certain days is almost always much worse than the actual holiday, birthday or anniversary itself... You may not believe it, and it may not be easy, but you will get through it..  How you do that will be as varied as each of our own circumstances - just remember there is no right or wrong way... 

No matter what you might think or have been told, no matter what, you are now and will always be a mom, nothing will ever change that. Whether your child or children are angels or thriving, the moment we conceive, we earn the title of "mom, mother, ma" and it is an incredible title that will remain with us until we ourselves are finished here on earth and return home to heaven...

We hope that the articles we'll share with you every day for the next few weeks will help you in some small way to find peace in your heart.. Lots of Love & hugs from one mom to another as we celebrate the most wonderful title we've ever been given "Mom"...Cherie Houston

KITE MEMORIES

Isn't it amazing how so many little things remind us of our children when they were little, and for those of us whose children have "gone too soon" those memories can be so very bittersweet.  They can bring a smile one moment and trigger an avalance of tears the next...  For me "kites" can do that - remembering my boys when they were little and how much they love to fly kites.  This is something that Dan and I love doing now with our grandchildren, at my favorite spot in Newport, RI - on the edge of the ocean, but now even with all their smiles & giggles and running about, those kites also remind me of this poem and our wish that our children who are gone too soon, might also be "floating freely - peacefully - above"...   Thank you Marcia for sharing this with us... Cherie Houston

KITE MEMORIES
~ by Marcia Alig, TCF/NJ

Brushed golden by the sun

A kite flies free above greening meadow,

Drifting lazily until it turns to catch the eddy of

A flock of trumpeting geese homeward bound.

Fragrance of early Spring flowers

Makes me giddy with the thought

That You too fly unfettered to drift or chase dreams,

Dreams beyond imagination,

Unrestrained by life or expectations.

Now I cherish each kite that rises to the wind

 Because it fills me with memories,

Memories of your gifts of love. 

BUT….only sometimes…..

I wonder whether you remember, too.  

April Showers

~ Written by Beverly Mangum, TCF, Tri-County WV
And the rains came…they ceased, and they came again. The little memory I have of the time just after our son was killed is mostly that I thought I would never stop crying. There was no control and that would frustrate me, and I’d cry that much harder. My eyes were so swollen I had to ice them to see, and the crying, coupled with the inability to eat, dehydrated my body.

I could tell my crying only upset those around me, so I learned to cry when I was alone. Then I was able to take deep breaths and control some of the tears only to get a headache with my heartache. Gradually the crying eased up. It’s been a few months since I’ve had a really hard sit-down-and-sob crying spell. We try so hard to be strong and pent the emotions up, and then ‘wham-o’, the big one strikes. It is exhausting, but I think the release can be good.

At last month’s meeting we had a new Mother – the word “fresh” kept coming up as we each tried to console her. It was “fresh” for her – her son was killed the month prior. Her presence and emotions brought back for each of us those first months. The anger, the denial, the unanswered questions, the tears – none of us would want to relive those days again, but we all did with her at that meeting. No one can tell you that you’ll be just wonderful again, but you will slowly get better. 

The fact that this “fresh” Mother and the others who continue to come to the meetings was a sign of strength. It takes a strong brave soul to admit that she could use some HELP. The person that reaches out for comfort is the one that will mend. We are not crazy, we have not done anything wrong, and we are not being punished. 

The death of a child – no matter what age, no matter what cause – is the hardest thing to happen to a parent, and to seek compassion and support is the healthiest thing we can do for ourselves. We have been there, we know what you feel, and we understand, and we do care – that’s why we’re called The Compassionate Friends!

One of the subjects we discussed was the things that pop up out of the blue that bring on an emotional reaction. A son, a daughter, a situation, a similar looking person or expression, a TV show, a word – it’s like a bomb dropped on your head! It hits hard – when you least expect it – and it hurts. Even when the death of a parent, relative, friend or someone we don’t even know occurs – it all comes back again. 

As one Mother so well said – you take each moment as you go along and to the best that you can. There are days I feel I’ve gained or done nothing, and there are days I actually make some headway. I may not always do as much as I did before, but when I have a good day, I try to make the most of it. I don’t know how much earthly time I have left, but I’m not going to let it go to waste. 

It’s not how much time we have left, but the quality of the time given to us. No one will make it for us, we must do that on our own.

Answering And Controlling Difficult Questions

We’ve all heard the expression about “triggers”. Triggers are those “things” that are said or happen that in a moment throw us backwards on this grief journey, making us feel as though our hearts are being ripped apart again and can cause the flood gates to open wide.

Triggers always seem to happen when we least expect them – in a moment of quiet. Don't misunderstand me - when moments of quiet happen it doesn't mean that we have forgotten that our child had died, we all know that there is no way we can or will ever forget that fact But as time goes on there are moments when our minds and bodies take a moment out to “be quiet and regroup”.. And then wham – something ‘triggers” those grief emotions that we try so hard to suppress, and we find ourselves sliding down the slippery slope of grief.

One of those triggers, is a question that can be heart wrenching – always asked innocently during idle chit chat – it is the dreaded question of “how many children do you have”…
Know that the first several (or even several hundred) times that this question is asked it will almost always take your breath away.. So like so many things in life that we prepare for, think about the question and consider how you might be comfortable answering it.

Many parents will say that as time moves forward or depending on the occasion when the question is asked, they may even change their answers. No doubt, how the question is answered, will depends on your situation at the time. How you answer will also vary on who asks you the question and most importantly, on how you are feeling at the moment the question is asked..

Parents often say they feel guilty and can't bear to deny their child or children's existence so they give the total number of pregnancies or children they’ve had, never making any mention of a miscarriage, stillbirth or the child or children who have died..

For parents who may have lost their only child or tragically lost all their children, they may say: “My daughter or son died”, or “My children died” or, they may simply answer "None" not wanting to have to explain. Some might say "I had one daughter or son."

Their will be times, depending on how the question is answered, that the person asking, might then ask you to tell your story. When you are having a bad day and do not want to answer further questions, you might reply, "Thank you for caring enough to ask, but this has not been a good day for me. I really cannot talk about it."

The question might vary - there may be a time when someone will ask “I heard your son or daughter died, what happened?" Again, if you’d rather not answer or explain, there is nothing wrong with saying “Thank you for caring enough to ask, but this has not been a good day for me. I really cannot talk about it."

Teaching and giving many presentations over the years have taught me to be prepared and I admit I’ve relied on a skill learned long ago, and that is “I practiced a few stock response to these and other frightening situations relating to my children’s deaths” which have helped me stay in control for the moment at hand.. That doesn’t mean that once I walk away the flood gates don’t open, but for the moment I feel in control.

No, we can’t change the fact that our children aren’t with us any longer, but I think it helps us during this journey thru grief to be able to control some situations. Just like this grief journey is very different for each and every one of us, we each need to find our own ways of doing what works for us, that allows us to feel “in control” …

Mom's reflections......sound familiar?

Reflections of some moms about their thoughts, feelings and actions those first few months and years after the death of their child:

• "I don’t have any answers as to why she died, but I know that my life has been enriched and totally changed by the gift of her life. I thank God for allowing me nineteen years with her.”


• “I felt that I was the one who had to hold everything together and ‘make it better’ for everyone.”


• “I hated shopping; I got ‘stuck’ in the supermarket once. I froze at the yogurt section when I couldn't remember who liked which flavor and which ones I didn’t need to buy anymore. The desire to dump the carriage and run was overwhelming.”


• “I miss my adult son bounding through the door and saying “what’s up”… I was in a public the other day and heard someone say that and I froze, but once the chock wore off, it warmed my heart although the voice was nothing like his – the words made me smile


• “I miss the beautiful cards my son always gave me – even after he married, his wife would choose one from “them”, but he always choose his own for me for every special occasion – I’m so thankful I saved them all”


• “I miss the random phone calls from him just asking me about my day”


• “I missed the physical closeness I longed to stroke the funny way his hair lay at the back of his neck!”


• “School events are so hard - being so aware of other children moving on without my child.”


• “My daily schedule was totally foreign to me and I couldn't adjust; the little bell in my head still went off at 3pm although I no longer had a child to pick up from school.”


• “I remember being in the grocery tore after our 11 month old daughter died and putting her favorite foods in the cart – when I realized it, it took my breath away and I left the store in tears"


• "The first time I got into bed at night and realized I had not thought about my child all day – not once – totally paralyzed me with fear. I feared that I was forgetting who and what they were, it took me a long time to forget that day and that feeling and to stop feeling overwhelmingly guilty"


• "For me, I needed to talk about him continually; I couldn’t let a day go by that I didn’t bring up his name or stories about him in conversations – even though I didn’t do that for our living children; I think I was afraid if I didn’t do this everyone, including me, would forget him"

I’m sure you can relate to some of these and if you sent me your own (which you are welcome to do) I'm sure our list will become almost endless… and no matter how varied the thoughts, feelings, actions, deeds or reflections – they are all normal, and each is OK..

I hope you will agree with me, that each of these (some of which are considered grief triggers) but each is simply a result of our incredible love and bond with our children and for that we should never apologize to ourselves or anyone else but instead be grateful for our love for them and all they've given us from the moment they were conceived...

~ Cherie Houston

Grief Triggers as we move forward

There's no doubt that in time most of us will begin to "move forward" as our hearts heal from the most tragic of losses - the death of our child. But you have to know,understand and expect, that despite moving forward and finding that new normal for our lives, there will be times - often when you least expect it - a "grief trigger" seems to come out of no where, like a heavy wind, and knock you down....

In the first few days, weeks, months and even that first year or two - we simply were grateful that we could put one foot in front of the other and get through the day.. As we did, even without knowing it, we were beginning to create the foundation for our new normal - that world without our child... Amazing how our minds worked in those early days to protect us - we didn't or couldn't process what others were telling us about how we should act and what we should be doing, it is only as we begin to build our "new normal" and "move forward" that the comments from others begin to disturb and often hurt us... Remember, you are the one "moving forward" from this tragic loss - don’t let others tell you how you should or should not feel or how long you should grieve - let your body and your emotions be your guide.

But know that as you move forward, certain life events, will generate “grief triggers,” which are simply waves of grief or sadness that will overcome you - like a gust of strong wind, they will take your breath away and often knock you down.. Some of the "grief triggers" we can anticipate and get ready for, such as during the holidays, your child's birthday or the anniversary of their death or other important events in their lives - but the ones that are even more difficult in the years ahead, are those that are triggered by a memory when we least expect them.. seeing a child swinging in the playground, hearing a child singing; maybe it's a song - a smell - or watching a boat on the ocean, or seeing another family member with tears in their eyes - yes these can be the most powerful of "grief triggers".

Here i am 40+ years since the death of my two little girls, Randee & Robin who died in 1971 and 1972 - yet there are still times, when I see a young mom pushing a front facing stroller with a bright eyed little girl, or during the wedding events for two of my sons, or the births of my grandchildren, that those "grief trigger" waves have returned full force, catching me off guard and I have found myself crying and overwhelmed with the "what should have beens"... and that is OK...

By knowing in advance that these "grief triggers" are going to happen, even many years after the death of your child, you will learn that it is alright to be sad as you remember, but you will also find it easier to turn that sadness into a peaceful, happy memory and be grateful for what you had and for the memory of them-no matter how brief; that is acceptance of your new normal and when you will realize you have found peace for yourself and the wonderful memories of your child.

~ by Cherie Houston