"Common Sense" - Grief rules

“COMMON SENSE”   GRIEF RULES

In her work as a Bereavement Counselor for funeral homes, Margaret Gerner of St. Louis MO  contacted family members who had lost loved ones approximately eight weeks after their deaths.  The largest percentage of them were what she called “I’m Fine” calls.  Surviving family members say they’re ‘fine.’  In truth, many of them are, but more of them are not!!   She says she hears comments such as:

 “I’m keeping busy so I don’t have to think about it” or “I hurt at first, but I just have to give it time.”  Or “I try not to cry in front of my family.  It upsets them so much.”  Very few people will admit that they are hurting. Unfortunately, this denial of grief is all too common in our society.  Actually, we have unwritten rules about it. 

The Rules ARE:

• Ÿ  Bury your feelings
• Ÿ  Replace the loss
• Ÿ  Grieve alone
• Ÿ  Give it time

Did you pick up any of these rules in the above comments? 

We live in a fast paced society that does not allow the deep, searing emotions that occur at the death of a special loved one, especially at the death of a child.  It’s not comfortable to listen to another talk about his or her child, or cry, or show pictures of them.  We are asked to ‘get on with life.” ………….. Thus “The Rules” !!!

As a bereaved parent, we pay a high price for those rules…….We pay the price for swallowing our emotions in illness and chronic depression that can plague us many years after our child dies.  We pay the price in a prolonged sense of isolation because we can not share our pain with another.  We pay the price in self-blame when that magic year mark comes and we aren’t   “over it.”

We never stop and ask ourselves who said we have to keep busy, that crying is weakness, that talking about our deceased child is morbid, that we must think only of the ‘good’ memories, or that time heals all wounds.  We just take what society dictates as ‘truth’.   “THEY”  ARE NOT  ~ Society IS NOT  !!!!

Ignore these Rules!!!  Let yourselves grieve in healthy ways. 

• Ÿ   Do not bury your feelings.  Let them out.  Get angry when you need to!!!!
• Ÿ   Cry when you are hurting….Talk out your guilt!!!   Don’t try to replace the uniqueness of your child.  You CAN NOT!!! 
• Ÿ   Don’t grieve alone.  Find people who will listen non-judgmentally to your story told over and over again. 
• Ÿ  Let GO of the mistaken idea that time heals!!  Time, in and of itself heals nothing.  It isn’t time that heals: it’s the grief work that you do while the clock ticks away that heals….. 

Look at what you are being told about grief.  Question who “THEY  are and  What “THEY”   know about grief.  Don’t listen to those who tell you not to grieve.

Would you consult your neighbor on financial matters if he were a mechanic?  Would you ask an attorney about your stomach problems?   Of course you would NOT.  So why listen to those who tell you how to grieve when they have absolutely NO knowledge of how to grieve or how to recover.

The loss of a beloved child creates a big change in your life.  Do NOT leave healthy recovery and positive personal growth to “Common Sense” rules.  Keep in mind that while the Rules may be “Common”………..they don’t always make….”Sense.”  

Will it ever be the same again?

Sorry, but it can never be the same again...   (author unknown)

When a child of ours has died, or any one else whom we love for that matter, we hope and even pray that things will somehow be the same…that our life – our family – will get back to “normal”  As time goes on, we realize that “it will never be the same.”  We will always miss our loved one who has died.  At special holidays and family gatherings, there is always one person missing.  Some family members and friends assume that we are back to normal.  They just do not understand.

Once the horrific initial shock and sense of total denial of the initial few months begin to pass, the enormous and sad reality begins to become clear and for most of us, that is the time that seems the most difficult.  Our grief seems unbearable and we wonder if our heartache and sorrow is our new reality.  But life does go on and we don’t have a choice – we will and must go through this. 

What seems to complicate our grief is that once a few months have passed, many of those around us – our friend, co-workers and even family members, feel we are “getting better” and “moving on” but we know that’s so far from the truth – we are simply surviving and existing or when we don’t “get over it quickly enough” many people who we assumed would be there for us, pull away out f their own frustration of no knowing how and what to do to help us.  This is so common.  It is believed that this can be attributed in part to a general lack of knowledge of what grief is, leading to unrealistic expectations being placed on those who are grieving.  Sometimes it is helpful to communicate about our loss with someone new, since some old friends often just want us to return to our old selves again, which is unrealistic on their part.

So many times during the first year of mourning, especially following the holidays or anniversary of the death, those around us, as well as those of us who are grieving, may expect that everything will finally be OK and get better…  Be careful not to expect too much; because if and when things don’t magically “get better” many become discouraged.  

There is and never will be a timetable for grief – it is different for each and every person on this journey and different for each and every time the journey is made…  So be gentle with yourself and those around you..  It’s best not to have unrealistic expectations and remind yourself over and over again, there is no timetable for grief.. 

Anger & Guilt are very normal emotions

Anger & Guilt are normal emotions

~ by Judith Rollins, Ph.D.-Department of Family and Human Development, Utah State University

The death of a child, at any age or for any reason, is probably the most traumatic event that parents must endure. In this current society, with its medical advances, people expect to die in a predictable sequence. Simply put, parents should die before their children. When some tragic circumstance changes this order, parents are bewildered, not only by the overwhelming grief for the loss of the child, but also by the seeming unfairness of the death.

The cause of the child’s death does not seem to affect the amount of grief that parents experience over time. A child’s death following a long illness appears to be just as difficult for parents as a death due to a sudden accident. Also, most parents grieve as intensely for a very young child as they grieve for an older child.

For bereaved parents, there is no “standard” grief period. Compared to all other crises, the recovery period following a child’s death appears to take the longest amount of time. It is important for parents to understand that they are not abnormal if they experience periods of sadness and grief for many years afterward. And two of the most common and often lingering emotions may be anger & guilt.

Anger - Initially, many parents feel very angry. This anger may occur because the child’s death seems so unfair and parents feel so helpless. The anger may be directed towards oneself, one’s spouse, the medical profession, an outsider, or even God. Parents often look for someone to blame, even each other, so they can “make sense” out of a needless loss. When anger and blame can be openly expressed, they usually give way to the more rational feelings of loss and grief. It is best to acknowledge the anger one feels and try to determine the source of the anger rather than deny the feelings. Repressed anger may resurface later as depression.  If talking about angry feelings with one’s spouse is difficult, perhaps a third person, such as a counselor, minister or support group, might help minimize the stress of such an encounter and hopefully direct the negative feelings to their appropriate source.

Guilt - Guilt is another emotion that parents often feel. Society expects parents to be able to protect their children, and a child’s death may make the parents feel they have failed in this responsibility. Fathers may wish they had spent more time with the child, or mothers may feel guilty if they were employed outside the home. The child’s every unfulfilled wish may be remembered with guilt. This type of guilt is usually irrational. It is important that parents be able to discuss these guilty feelings as they occur and to understand that the child’s death was unrelated to the events that have caused their guilty feelings.
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There is no question - the death of a child is the most overwhelming grief possible - the loss of a child is unlike any other loss. Be patient with yourself - adjusting to life without your child is an ongoing process.  There will be time when your grief journey seems slower than it should be and that's OK.  There will be times in the months and years ahead when WHAM!! out of the blue you are overwhelmed again with grief and that's OK.  All of this is normal - the journey of grief is different for each of us..

FINDING INNER STRENGTH AND PEACE

I believe I’ve shared this article before.. and I hope you find it helpful.  About 6 months after my son Bobby died, a close friend shared this article with me – with a simple note that read “I pray that you will allow God to help you find peace and joy in Bobby’s memory”. 

When she sent me the note, I still couldn’t bring myself to even think about God or spirituality in anyway.  Quite honestly my fear was that if I did think about God, my anger would take me to a place I might never be able to return from…  after all, Bobby was my third child that I had buried.  No parent should ever have to bury one child, never mind three…But yet I had – and I was angry!!!

I knew from past experience with my daughters who had died very young, that I would physically survive this nightmare (even though I didn’t want to) and that in time I would find an inner peace and my spirituality, but this article allowed me to remind myself of that fact.

I admit that I still find it very difficult going into any church, catholic or otherwise…Even for joyous celebrations such as christenings, first communions and weddings.. The moment I enter any church I find myself reflecting on Bobby’s mass, the loss of my three children and I feel as though I’m suffocating and find it hard to catch my breath or stop the tears…

But outside of those building, my own sense of peace, inner strength and spirituality has returned as I knew it would…  I’m not angry with God or anyone, I’m simply grateful for the time I had with my three children, no matter how brief, and for all that they left behind in the lives they touched…  This doesn’t come overnight – Bobby will be gone 4 years on September 19^th and I still have days that shake me to the core..  but in time the pain softens and the peace returns… I hope that all parents who make this unfathomable journey can find their own inner strength and peace and smile for what they had, no matter how brief…Cherie Houston

Can Time Heal? Finding Inner Strength and Peace

~ By Cheril Goodrich

There is a belief that time heals all wounds. The premise of this belief is that the further you get away from an event in time the less the pain is felt that is associated with the event. From a Spiritual standpoint, is this true?

First of all to examine this concept, we must first address the idea of time. For something to be healing at a true Spiritual level it must involve a healing idea or, in other words, it must promote healing by offering an idea that can heal. Does time offer this? Is it possible for a non-feeling, non-caring idea, such as time, to give soothing to the soul when something happens that seems so catastrophic we do not have any idea how we can move beyond our pain? If all we have to look forward to is relief from a non-feeling source such as time, this calls into question our relationship to our Creator because, from this premise, time offers us a better way of healing. Perhaps this is not true at all. Perhaps we do not understand the provisions that God has provided for us when we are in such pain and so we rely on what we know. By relying on what we know we are apt to just make it through anyway we can. This does not necessarily heal the pain and some people go on for years not understanding how to move on.

Sometimes we have to find a miracle to move on. This involves finding a strength that does not come from us. If it came from us we would know how to handle the misery. Instead it involves finding a place in our own mind where time does not rule. Finding this place means finding a place of peace that exists within all of us. We all have access to this state because we were created with this fail-safe sanctuary, but we have forgotten how to access it and use it. This state of mind is our solution, but until we remember that it is there, and appreciate it, we will turn to what we know.

We are living in perilous times. We are not being asked to heal the world, just ourselves of the internal pain and conflict that seems to be endless. How can peace come to the world if we cannot even find peace within our own mind? If we are not responsible for ourselves, then who is? If I blame another or blame circumstances that seem to be beyond my control, then I am a victim, and someone else controls my life. This is not the role God would have us play.

Look for the solution in any circumstance that seems to be beyond your control. For every problem there is a solution. By concentrating only on the problem, the solution is removed from you by your own desire. By looking for and reaching for the solution, your mind will remember how to access the part of the mind where God abides. No one can do this for us, it is an individual choice that remains open to us, but is not evident unless we search for it.

There is another way. The answer does not lie in time or in another idea that has been born in time. It is in our own mind. By learning to access and using another level of mind, we can heal not only ourselves, but also the world because accessing this part of our mind joins us with something Greater than ourselves. Learn to be a part of the healing force that will move the world beyond any perceived conflict. It all begins by learning to become master of your own mind.

TEARS, TALK, TIME, AND TOMORROWS

Lovingly written By Debbie Landsman

TEARS, TALK, TIME, AND TOMORROWS

I never thought I could go on living when you died, but…….I did.

I never thought I would survive after burying you, but……I did.

I never thought I’d get through those first days, weeks, months, but…….I did.

I never thought I’d be able to endure the first anniversary of your death, but….I did.

I never thought I’d let myself love my new grandchild, but…..I have.

I never thought tomorrow would be different, but…….it was.

I never thought I’d stop crying for a day, but…….I have.

I never thought the pain would ‘soften’, but…… it has.

I never thought I’d care if the sun shone again, but……I do.

I never thought I’d ever entertain again, but….I have.

I never thought I’d be able to control my grief, but…..I can.

I never thought I could function without medication again, but…..I can.

I never thought I could function without medication again, but…..I can.

I never thought I’d smile again, but…..I do.

I never thought I’d laugh out loud again, but…..I do.

I never thought I’d look forward to tomorrow, but…..I do.

I never thought I’d reconcile your death, but…..I have.

I never thought I’d be able to create that ‘new normal’, but I have.

I never thought I’d be able to go on living after you died, but…..I do…….

Always missing you, always loving you, and thinking of you daily with a smile on my face….

And tears on my heart.

Grief can & does sneak up on you...

~ by Cherie Houston

There's no doubt that many of us try to believe that "in time" our grief will be gone - but those of us who've been on this Journey thru Grief, can tell you that even after many years, there will be times (often when you least expect it) that you will feel sadness and pain... Bobby's death certainly reminds me continually how much I miss his 2 little sisters who died in 1971 and 1972... We also learn to accept the fact that our grief will never be gone it will just get softer...  

It's been 43 months since my 36 year old son Bobby died, and as many of your know my husband Dan and I spend 7 months in Arizona and the summer and month of December in New England with our children and 9 (soon to be 11) amazing grandkids...

Last night as we flew from Vegas back to Boston, out of nowhere, that dreaded sneak attack of grief reared it's ugly head.. I have to admit this happens from time to time when I least expect it...  

I wonder if it's just easier for me to "pretend" when we're in Arizona that everything is at it should be back in New England, nothing's changed, but as our plane grew closer to Boston thru the night, and knowing we'd be back with our family within hours ~ the sad reality that Bobby won't be there this morning, as he always was, to great us and POW...it hit like a ton of bricks...Fortunately on the red eye 1am flight, most people are sleeping, including my husband, so it was easier to allow myself to give in to the grief and heartache...  

But I then realized that it's becoming easier for me to refocus my grief to the joy on Bobby's wonderful life, his infectious smile and all that he has left for us including his beautiful 2 little boys who are now 9 & 10... With time, I'm learning that the more I focus on his life, instead of his death, I'm able to catch my breath, dry my tears, smile and know it's time to continue moving forward... and accept and look forward to my step-son Douglas, being at the airport with our youngest granddaughter Jacobi, and I remind myself how blessed I am... 

I finally got it last night, the name of our moms group... "The Journey from Mourning to Joy:... that's what I was experiencing....


It is amazing how the smallest reminder of our child - a smell, song, photo or a memory from out of nowhere, can send us into an unexpected tailspin. With time however, as we continue to gain strength and knowledge "that we will get thru this", we each will find ways to cope when our "grief" sneaks back up on us...  Here are some tips shared by others...  

Be prepared. Anniversary& specific event reactions are normal, but in time you'll find ways to turn them into opportunities for healing. For example, you might find yourself dreading an upcoming special day, fearful of being overwhelmed by painful memories and emotions, but again, in time, we often find that the anticipation of the "days" are worse than the actual day itself.


Remember the best and try not to focus on the day and events of their death In time, and it's not easy, I hope you can find yourself focusing on all the wonderful memories - even with my little girls who were so young - Randee died within hours of her birth and Robin died before her 1st birthday, Bobby had just turned 36, but despite all the heartache experienced from their deaths, I wouldn't give any of it up - they have each made me who I am today and I love them for it..  

Start a new tradition in your loved one's memory. Bobby's 2 little boys (and now their cousins) have come to believe that dragonfly's represent Bobby's spirit, and planting a tree at their home, and our home in New England & in Arizona in his honor have been a few of the ways we keep his memory alive..  

Connect with others. Draw friends and loved ones close to you, including people who were special to your child. Find someone who'll encourage you to talk about your loss. Stay connected to your usual support systems, such as spiritual leaders and social groups and of course, I think support groups, such as our Journey from Mourning to Joy Group in Lake Havasu, or one in your area, such as The Compassionate Friends or Bereaved Parents, can help us in so many ways...  

Allow yourself to feel a range of emotions. I have learned since the deaths of my three children that it's OK and very normal to be sad and feel a sense of loss, but with time it's also very important to experience joy and happiness-especially if you've been blessed with a wonderful family and friends. As you celebrate special times, you might find yourself both laughing and crying, and that is normal. 

A very wise woman (Joyce Floyd) once told me, Grief is not a sign of weakness-nor loss of faith, it is simply the price of love.. and how right she is!!!

Easter & Passover - A Time for Hope...

Thank you to Susan Blaison from Birmingham, Alabama for sending this article to me-Susan commented that she had received a copy of this article from a dear friend after her 29 year old son died suddenly 2 days before the birth of his first child-her first grandchild...  I totally agree with the author, Margaret Gerner's, comments that each and every article read through the years since the deaths of my own children, which recounted the most horrific life event "the death of a child" have also always left me with a sense of HOPE.  HOPE that eventually I would smile again, be happy again, and gave me HOPE that the tremendous heartache I was feeling would ease and become bearable...  HOPE is something that helps us survive this Journey from Mourning to Joy - I want to wish you all a joyous Passover & Easter and HOPE that you too can find HOPE and PEACE ..  Cherie Houston

HOPE, ~ By Margaret Gerner
Bereaved Mother and Bereaved Grandmother
St. Louis, MO -BP/BereavedParents.org

I sat down regularly to read the many newsletters that I receive from the chapters (BP/BereavedParents.org) across the county. Most of the time there were articles in them that made me cry a little. I read about children who are dead and parents who were hurting, but never did I come away from those reading sessions depressed.

I came away with hope, hope that the searing torment does lessen and eventually give way to warm, loving memories of our child.

When we are in the deepest throes of our grief, when our beloved child has just recently been snatched from life by a tragic accident or succumbed to a fatal illness, or died in some other way, can we believe we can ever be happy again? When to simply get up in the morning is a major accomplishment, can we believe that we will ever be able to function with enthusiasm or purpose?

When every thought of our children brings excruciating pain, can we believe that we will someday be able to think of him/her and smile? I know it is hard to believe that this will ever happen, but it will.

Words used in defining HOPE are expect, trust, anticipate, wish, desire and confident.  These are the key words.

If we expect, trust and anticipate feeling better, we will in time.  If we wish it and are confident, the day will come when we will feel better. Of course, it doesn’t just happen. It takes long hard grief work. It takes many painful hours of allowing ourselves to go through our grief.

It takes patience and it takes time. But know you will come to the light at the end of the tunnel.  Know that there is hope. Know that many many bereaved parents who have been in the same painful place that you are now have found life meaningful again.

Know that you will too.

Grandparent Grief - Helping Your Grieving Child (part 2 of 3)

Grandparent Grief - Helping Your Grieving Child (part 2 of 3)  Continued from Blog Posting on September 27th,2012..

~ By Margaret H. Gerner

One grandmother told me: Timmie's death is tearing me up, but seeing my daughter, Terry, in such pain is much worse. She is so different. The sadness I see in her eyes haunts me. Nothing pleases her. She's not interested in anything. All she does is talk about Timmie. She tells me she just wants to die so she can be with him. She cries and cries and there isn't anything I can do to make it better for her. I don't know what I'm going to do.

I felt like Timmie's grandmother. While I knew what Dorothy's needs were, and I tried to meet them every way I could. There were times I doubted that anything I did helped. I wanted to "kiss it and make it better;" and I wanted her better now. Without a moment's hesitation, I would have gladly taken her pain myself. I missed my precious Emily, but the feelings of helplessness around Dorothy's pain were even greater.

This is the hardest part of being a bereaved grandparent. There will be times you feel that nothing you do makes a difference. You will think your child will never "get over" this. But remember, the grief will not always be as intense and devastating as today, and your help will be forever appreciated.

The most important thing you can do is to understand your child's grief. If you have never lost a child yourself, then read The Bereaved Parent, by Harriet Schiff or any other book you can get your hands on that will help you to understand the unique, intense grief that is part of the loss of a child. Be assured, your child is not emotionally ill. There is no grief exactly like that which comes with the loss of a child.

There are several factors that make parental grief unique:

Loss of Part of Self - The parent/child relationship is the most intense that life can generate. The child was literally a part of the parent at one time. When you lose a child, you lose a part of yourself.

Loss of Meaning - Children give direction to life. Rearing and providing for them becomes a primary goal. With a child's death, even if there are other children, this goal changes. Life seems meaningless.

Loss of Support - Expectations are that parents will lean on each other and support each other. Parents themselves expect this, but it rarely happens. Each parent is so debilitated by grief that neither has the energy to support the other. One mother said, "It's impossible to lean on a tree that is already bending." Loss of support takes many forms.

Different grieving styles can create problems in a relationship. One may grieve openly, with much expression. The other may grieve inwardly and quietly. It is difficult for parents with opposite coping styles to respect the other's way of grieving. The inward-griever doesn't want to see the constant crying and lamenting of the other. The open-griever doesn't think the other one cares or has feelings. This leads to wrong assumptions and misinterpretations of feelings.

Changes in sexual activities can create problems, too. One may want the warmth and intimacy that intercourse gives them, while the other may suddenly find sex repulsive.

Guilt and blame can also prevent support. One may blame the other for real or imagined wrongs. The one blamed may withdraw with intense guilt feelings. This can create a wedge that may take professional help to resolve, especially if, in fact, one was somehow involved in the death.

 This series is continued in our next Blog Posting – Part 3, on October 5, 2012

The loss of a child is an inconsolable grief..…

Thanks to Susan Jerome of Patterson, Illinois  for sending me this story.. It shows that "the inconsolable grief" of losing a child spans time and all socio-economic barriers - as this speaks of "Attorney Abraham Lincoln and his friend Judge David Davis" as they dealt with the deaths of their own young children and dealt with the "inconsolable grief" that is part of the journey....

~ By Bill Kemp | Archivist/historian McLean County Museum of History

In the 19th century, high infant mortality rates plagued rich and poor alike, and for many parents this earthly existence was a true veil of tears.  Few better understood this than David and Sarah Davis, who lost five children in the two decades before the Civil War.  From 1848-1862, Judge David Davis presided over the Eighth Judicial Circuit as he and a band of lawyers traveled from one Central Illinois county seat to another, often spending weeks at a time on the road.

In August, Judge Davis opened the Eighth Circuit Court in Springfield and was there when he received an Aug. 28 letter from his wife. “Lucy was well last week, but on Sunday night (Aug. 25) her bowels were loose — and yesterday she had a chill,” wrote Sarah. “She suffers no pain today but is feeble and languid of course.” (The letters cited herein are held at the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library in Springfield, with transcriptions provided by the David Davis Mansion.)

By this time the Davises had already lost two children: A stillborn boy in 1840 and ten-month-old Mercer, who passed away in early September 1846 of an unidentified illness.  Writing from Springfield three days later, Aug. 31, David told Sarah that her letter made him “very uneasy so much so that I am really unfit to hold Court today.” He headed back to Bloomington, but it was too late — Lucy had died the same day he wrote his letter.  She was laid to rest next to her brother Mercer at City Cemetery (now Evergreen Memorial) south of downtown.

Yet with the death of his infant daughter Lucy Adam Davis of dysentery in late August 1850, the judge deemed it best to bring with him on the fall “swing” of the circuit his grief-stricken wife Sarah and their son George Perrin.  During those several weeks, Springfield attorney Abraham Lincoln took eight-year-old George under his care, giving his parents needed time alone.  While Sarah traveled by buggy with her husband, George rode with “Mr. Lincoln,” who knew well the inconsolable grief that comes with the loss of a child. Earlier that year, Feb. 1, Lincoln’s own son Edward Baker had died of “chronic consumption” just short of his fourth birthday. 

On Sept.5, Sarah penned a letter to her mother, Lucy Adam Walker, the namesake of her departed daughter. “Our little Lucy is no more,” was how Sarah began this touching letter to her mother.  No stranger to grief, Sarah still found some measure of comfort. “Our dear child passed away very gently,” she wrote, “and looked so like (an) angel in her cradle that I could not have the heart to wish her back in this world of trial.” 

Despite the sorrow (or perhaps because of it) Judge Davis prepared to head back out and onto the Eighth Circuit.  This time though, he was reluctant to leave behind the family. As an adult, George Perrin Davis recalled those weeks after his infant sister’s death riding in Lincoln’s “one-horse open buggy.”  The Davises faced further personal tragedy in the coming decade. Infant Frances Mary died in 1857, and a 45-year-old Sarah gave birth to a stillborn girl in 1859. Only two of their seven children, George Perrin (1842-1917) and Sarah “Sallie” Worthington (1852-1934), lived into adulthood.  In 1862, Lincoln picked Davis for a seat on U.S. Supreme Court.

A child's death is different from any other..

~ by Cherie Houston

Why is it that so many of us who have lost children tend to focus more on our children’s deaths instead of their lives??

My beloved “Nana Mae” died 13 years ago this month at the young age of 89.  She was without doubt the most important person in my life growing up ~ my children were blessed to have her in their lives until they themselves were adults.  We all miss her greatly and I feel her with me always and believe she’s watching over all of us…  But her death and the mourning process for her was so very different than that the deaths and mourning processes for my three (3) children-which seem at times to be endless.  When my grandmother died, like with most adults who die, we all remembered how she lived and what she meant to each of us – we celebrated her life and even now when I think of her, I think of everything she was and did, and almost always concentrate on all the wonderful happy memories we created together.  It is very rare that I think about those last days and hours of her life. 

Why then is it so different for those of us who have endured the tragedy of losing a child or children – it is almost always the total opposite, especially in the first 4-5 years or more...  As parents, most of us find ourselves concentrating on our children’s deaths and not their lives..  Is it because when children die, the entire natural order of the past, present and future seem to have been turned upside down and are simply totally out of whack!!!  After all as parents, we always just assume that we will be the ones to pass away first, leaving our children to carry our names and legacies into the future…  When our children die before us, we are forced to lose this innocent sense of balance.  Yes,  accepting the death of a child is an intense, extremely challenging, agonizing task.  It takes a lot of time before we can remember our children with smiles, concentrating on the wonderful happy memories we had with them – even if those memories are simply of a short, unfinished pregnancy, or a baby born an angel, or children who receive their angel wings as young infants or those who may have grown into adulthood… 

Yes the mourning process for those of us who have lost children, is very different from that of losing any other family member or friend during our life - no matter how close we were to them it is so different… 

Maybe that is why it is so terribly difficult for those around us to understand or comprehend what we are going thru as grieving parents..  How often they seem to wonder why it's so difficult for us to simply "move forward"  But think about it, almost everyone around us when they try to relate to grieving, thru their own grieving experiences, they - like myself - only focus on wonderful shared memories of a life lost, not of a future stolen from them…

Yes in time, we too will smile again – the pain and heartache will soften – and we can only pray that a time will come when we will find peace and joy and only focus on our children's lives and wonderful memories and not their untimely deaths.  

Give yourself time – time and more time. It takes months, even years, to open your heart and mind to healing. It's important to choose to survive, give yourself time, and you will heal.. Accept the fact that finding your "new normal" takes time, lots if time, because the death of our children is different and unique from any other loss we will ever experience..…

Grief reactions when we lose our beloved children...

Losing a child.... no one has to tell any of us who have had this experience, that without question, it is by far the most devastating thing that can happen to anyone in their life…   There are so many days in the first weeks, months and years when we truly feel as though we are losing it and unable to cope with even the smallest things – it’s important for you to remember, that no matter what you are feeling – your feelings are normal…

Time does not erase your pain or the severity of your loss – but what time will do, is soften the pain and heartache.  Until then, remember that what you are going through and feeling are all normal and the price we pay for loving our children as much as we did and will continue to love then as long as we live…  so be patient with yourself and those around you as you continue on this journey, one step at a time…

Grief reactions following the death of a child are similar to those following other losses, but are often more intense and last longer. Parents commonly experience the following grief reactions:

·         Intense shock, confusion, disbelief, and denial—even if the child's death was expected

·         Overwhelming sadness and despair, such that facing daily tasks or even getting out of bed can seem impossible

·         Extreme guilt—some parents will feel they have failed in their role as their child's protector and will dwell on what they could have done differently

·         Intense anger and feelings of bitterness and unfairness at a life left unfulfilled

·         Fear or dread of being alone and overprotecting their surviving children

·         Feelings of resentment toward parents with healthy children

·         Feeling that life has no meaning and wishing to be released from the pain or to join the deceased child

·         Questioning or loss of faith or spiritual beliefs—assumptions about the world and how things should be do not fit with the reality of a child's death

·         Dreaming about the child or feeling the child's presence nearby

·         Feeling intense loneliness and isolation, even when with other people—parents often feel that the magnitude of their loss separates them from others and that no one can truly understand how they feel

·         Some people expect that grief should be resolved over a specific time, such as a year, but this simply is not true. The initial severe reactions are not experienced continuously with such intensity; rather periods of intense grief come and go over a period of 18 months or more. Many parents find that the pain the second year is often more intense than the first because reality truly begins to set-in that they are never coming back... Over time, waves of grief gradually become less intense and less frequent, but feelings of sadness and loss will likely always remain.

·         Developmental milestones in the lives of other children can trigger emotions of grief even years after a child's death. Significant days such as graduations, weddings, or the first day of a new school year are common “grief triggers”.

·         Most parents, no matter how long it's been since their child died, find themselves thinking about how old their child would be or what he or she would look like or be doing if he or she were still alive.

Remember you are not alone on this painful and sometimes frightening journey – together we can and will support each other, so don’t try to do it alone…  

Poem - "The Year Before Last"

Most of us can relate to this poem - that moment when we first realize that our child is not going to live in the New Year - it shouldn't shake us to the core, but for many it does - it catches our breath - it brings new tears and sadness, and know that all of those feelings are normal... this poem reflects the feelings so many of us have shared when that moment comes and we realize a new year is ahead, a year in which our child will not participate and that saddens us...

The Year Before Last

~ by Unknown

The holiday season is approaching,
and with it comes the New Year.
Although for me time passes slowly,
New Year's Day will ring in quickly.

I dread this New Year's Day
because they will look at me
in a terribly strange way
when I get misty-eyed,
and talk about something you had done.

After you first left me,
they reasoned when I cried,
"He's only been gone a few months."
And I would catch that look of
understanding in their eyes,
and found some comfort that they knew.

But on last New Year's Day,
my first thought upon awakening was,
Oh God, my son died last year,
not just a few months ago, not even this year,
but last year.
He will never live in this year.

They didn't understand, they didn't reason,
that last year, for me, the loss was still new.
They thought, "It happened last year,
so long ago, why does she still cry?"
I could see it in their eyes.

This New Year's Day, will it be different?
Will my first thought upon awakening be,
Oh God, my son died the year before last,
not a few months ago, not this year or even last year,
but the year before last?
He will never live in this year.

Will they even listen, should I not look them
in the eyes, for fear that I shall see,
"Why is she still crying? It happened so long ago.
It was the year before last."

Those words that we use
to describe the passage of time,
a few months, this year,
last year, the year before last.
They don't know that time stands still for me.

Will they understand that's why I cry?
Don't they know
my son just died ...

the year before last?

Time heals what reason cannot

~ By Pat Schwiebert, TCF, Portland, Oregon

In the end, time will chage things. The intensity we experience when grief is new, where we can see nothing but our loss, and where every moment is filled with thoughts of the onew who died will gradually diminish and become softer.

Time forces the big picture of life back into our vision whether we like it or not. This happens in our lives all the time. Remember how when we first fell in love withsomeone, we were totally preoccupied with only that other person, until gradually a more balanced existence was restored. Or when we did what we thought was some terrible thing, and we were sure everybody would never let us forget it, we came to find out a few months down the road that most people had forgotten the incident.

In the months (maybe years) following a loss, life will eventually start to re-emerge, and life on this planet will once again seem possible. This will not happen because we come to understand the deathmore clearly but because, with the passage of time, the unanswered questions will become easier to live with.

Time will not remove grief entirely. The scars of grief will remain, and we may find ourselves ambushed by a fresh wave of grief at any time. But needing to know the answers to the “why” questions won’t seem quite as important as it once was.

Time is a gift that we have taken for granted. We’ve been given our lives one moment at a time. This is good.

Infant death ~ Continued ~ Part 2 of 2

~ By Mayo Clinic staff, Shawna Ehlers, Ph.D.

This is continued from our Blog Posting on April 2, 2011: Again, Shawna Ehlers, Ph.D., a psychologist at Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn., and an assistant professor of psychology at the College of Medicine, Mayo Clinic, continues to answer challenging questions about coping with infant death.

When my baby died, so did my hopes and dreams for the future. How can I go on?

Grief can cloud much of the remaining good in life, especially in the period right after an infant death. You may find it difficult to invest renewed hope and excitement in any part of your life — but learning to continue living is part of the grieving process. For help making the adjustment, seek support from other parents who've been able to find solace in living. When you're ready, participating in family activities and special occasions can remind you that you're loved and supported.

My partner and I don't seem to be grieving in the same way. How can we find strength in each other? Grieving can take a heavy toll on marriages and other intimate relationships. Accepting your partner's response to grief can be one of the most challenging aspects of grieving as a couple. It can be tough to accept your partner's coping mechanisms if they don't fit your concept of grieving. For example, perhaps you feel closer to your baby by talking about him or her every day — but your partner copes by looking toward the future. If you don't recognize these differences, you may wonder whether your partner supports you or even cares about your baby's death. But the differences don't need to pull you apart. To strengthen your relationship, work toward compromises. You might agree to limited discussion times, encouraging the more talkative partner to supplement the need for conversation with understanding friends or support groups. To respect the other partner's need to look ahead, schedule a social event once a week during which you agree to focus on the pleasurable aspects of your life together.

How does the grief of infant death ever reach resolution? As time goes on, your grief will begin to fade. Eventually you'll find it easier to engage in other aspects of life. The first anniversary of the baby's death and other poignant reminders will be difficult, but they'll get easier with time. Sadness surrounding your baby's death may never go away, but with time it may more closely resemble remembrance than heart-wrenching grief.

A moment in time that creates the before & after…

~ By Cherie Houston

No matter the age or cause of our child’s death – for each of us, the moment of our child’s death will forever be frozen in time.

Whether we are young or old, rich or poor, whether our child was lost during pregnancy or well into their adult years for every parent, this is true. Yes, no matter who we are this is true, you, me, each mom in our group and groups like ours around the world, for Jacqueline Kennedy, Rose Kennedy, Paul Newman, Bill Cosby, John Travolta and recently Marie Osmond – yes as parents, we all agree that when our child dies, our life becomes divided into two periods “before and after” our child’s death.

No matter the shock of that moment we receive the news or watch as our child passes, whether it was anticipated or a total shock, each of us will forever remember and replay each and every detail of that moment as though it happened yesterday. Yes, no matter how many months or years pass, we will continue to mark the before and after by that horrific moment in time.

As we continue on our journey from mourning, our normal sense of time is changed forever and we find that we count the time we have lived without their presence - at first the days, then the weeks, months and then the years..  Yes grieving changes time for us – in those first heart stopping hours after their death, life – the world – and time seems to stop - I believe it does that intentionally as God and nature’s way of allowing our mind, heart and soul to gather the strength that we will need in the days and months ahead…

Yes, life – the world and time will begin again – and so will we.  And when it does – it will be different – a new normal will begin to emerge and we, like so many before us, will define so many things inour lives by the "before and after"…  I hope that eventually you will find "peace" when you recollect the "before" and find joy and peace as you move into and through the tomorrows of the "after"...

Anger & Guilt are normal emotions

~ by Judith Rollins, Ph.D.-Department of Family and Human Development, Utah State University

 

The death of a child, at any age or for any reason, is probably the most traumatic event that parents must endure. In this current society, with its medical advances, people expect to die in a predictable sequence. Simply put, parents should die before their children. When some tragic circumstance changes this order, parents are bewildered, not only by the overwhelming grief for the loss of the child, but also by the seeming unfairness of the death.

 

The cause of the child’s death does not seem to affect the amount of grief that parents experience over time. A child’s death following a long illness appears to be just as difficult for parents as a death due to a sudden accident. Also, most parents grieve as intensely for a very young child as they grieve for an older child.

 

For bereaved parents, there is no “standard” grief period. Compared to all other crises, the recovery period following a child’s death appears to take the longest amount of time. It is important for parents to understand that they are not abnormal if they experience periods of sadness and grief for many years afterward. And two of the most common and often lingering emotions may be anger & guilt.

 

Anger - Initially, many parents feel very angry. This anger may occur because the child’s death seems so unfair and parents feel so helpless. The anger may be directed towards oneself, one’s spouse, the medical profession, an outsider, or even God. Parents often look for someone to blame, even each other, so they can “make sense” out of a needless loss. When anger and blame can be openly expressed, they usually give way to the more rational feelings of loss and grief. It is best to acknowledge the anger one feels and try to determine the source of the anger rather than deny the feelings. Repressed anger may resurface later as depression. If talking about angry feelings with one’s spouse is difficult, perhaps a third person, such as a counselor, minister or support group, might help minimize the stress of such an encounter and hopefully direct the negative feelings to their appropriate source.

 

Guilt - Guilt is another emotion that parents often feel. Society expects parents to be able to protect their children, and a child’s death may make the parents feel they have failed in this responsibility. Fathers may wish they had spent more time with the child, or mothers may feel guilty if they were employed outside the home. The child’s every unfulfilled wish may be remembered with guilt. This type of guilt is usually irrational. It is important that parents be able to discuss these guilty feelings as they occur and to understand that the child’s death was unrelated to the events that have caused their guilty feelings.
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There is no question - the death of a child is the most overwhelming grief possible - the loss of a child is unlike any other loss.

• Be patient with yourself - adjusting to life without your child is an ongoing process.
• There will be time when your grief journey seems slower than it should be and that's OK.
• There will be times in the months and years ahead when WHAM!! out of the blue you are overwhelmed again with grief and that's OK.

All of this is normal - the journey of grief is different for each of us..

 

Heeding the Call of Life

~ by Father Arnaldo Pangazzi~

There is a tremendous wisdom that is accumulated in one's encounter with grief, and it needs to be shared. Healing takes place when we turn our pain into a positive experience and we realize that helping others is the key to helping ourselves.  When that happens our problems don't look so big.

We expand on new found strengths and we discover that as one door closed, many others have opened. The road to recovery from grief, therefore, is to take time to do things which will enable us to give meaning to our lives (and the lives of those we are grieving). That's when our journey through grief becomes a journey of discovering ourselves, our potential and our resources in the encounter with life.

That's when we become BETTER people rather than BITTER people. In grief, no one can take away our pain because no one can take away our love. This call to life is to learn to love again.

Thanksgiving Prayer

THANKSGIVING PRAYER

~ Charlotte Irick TCF, Idaho Falls, ID

I'm thankful this Thanksgiving

That my grief is not so new.

Last year it was so painful to

Think of losing you.

Death can't claim my love for you

Tho we are far apart,

Sweet memories will always be

Engraved upon my heart.

Time can never bring you back

But it can help me be

Thankful for the years of joy

You brought our family.

To all the parents with grief so new

I share your loss and sorrow

I pray you find with faith and time

The blessings of each Tomorrow.

Parent & Child - Unique & Special Relationships

There is no relationship like that of parent and child. It is unique and special...

The bond between parent and child is so powerful that its strength endures time, distance, and strife. No loss is as significant as the loss of a child...On the death of a child, a parent feels less than whole. ~ ARNOLD AND GEMMA 1994, 25-27

When a child dies, the sense of absolute emptiness, the lack of wholeness, and the feeling of diminishment after the death of a child are felt by all parents, regardless of marital status; age; language; financial or social circumstances; biological relation to the child; or cultural, racial, or religious background.

Despite the differences among parents, their responses and needs, all have one major need in common-their grief is intense and must be acknowledged.

Yes, you will always grieve to some extent for your child who has died. You will always remember your “baby” - whether an infant or adult child, because no matter their age from the time a pregnancy begins, or circumstance of their death, as parents we all wish beyond wishes that we could smell their smell or hold them in your arms. But as time goes on, this wishing will no longer deplete you of the will to live your own life.  ~ HORCHLER AND MORRIS 1994, 158

CLOCKS CHANGE - 2AM Sunday morning, Nov. 7th, 2010

Before you call family elsewhere in the country tomorrow, Sunday November 7th, remember the time difference between them and those of us here in Arizona will probably be different than it is today...

This weekend on Sunday morning, November 7TH at 2am, Daylight Savings Time will end and most states in the US will revert back to Standard Time - so before they go to bed Saturday evening, they will set their clocks, watches and other time pieces BACK 1 HOUR.

They will then move them ahead to begin Daylight Savings Time "1 hour" at 2am on the second Sunday in March, March 13th 2011.. Most computers and cable boxes will make this change automatically without our help..

Several states, including most of us here in Arizona (except some Indian Reservations), Hawaii, Puerto Rico, the U.S. Virgin Islands, and American Samoa have chosen not to observe Daylight Saving Time so they do not change their clocks at anytime during the year.