Remember and Honor Your Children Today

I originally wrote and posted this 2 years ago on November 1st 2011, but I'm hoping you won't mind if I share it again today 2 years later..

Since my first child, Randee Marie, died in March 1971, the most common fear I've heard repeatedly from moms (and dads) of children who have died, is the fear that their child will be forgotten.. That thought is almost as unbearable as the actual loss of the child... It’s important to us, that our child, no matter their age, never be forgotten..

The images I'd seen growing up of "The Day of the Dead" celebrations used to make me squeamish!!! But now that I understand the celebrations and reasons for them, I'm in awe and have a new respect for these special days - Yes, now that I know their intent is to honor and remember our family members who have died, I'm appreciative of this wonderful reason to celebrate. Imagine, a whole day when we are encouraged to speak our child or children's names, to talk of them and all that they meant to us - yes to celebrate them!!... So if you, like me, don't understand very much about this tradition, I hope you'll allow me to share what I've learned...

I was raised Catholic, so I knew that in most countries with a Roman Catholic heritage, All Saints Day and All Souls Day were religious holidays, days when we went to mass and silently said a prayer for those who had died. I was truly surprised to learn that in many countries, these "holy days" are truly celebrated - people actually take the day off work, go to cemeteries with candles and flowers, and give presents to children, usually sweets and toys and spend the entire day remembering those who have died.. Until I began researching the "Day of the Dead" and "All Souls Day", I didn’t realize that many, if not most, cultures around the world have a specific day set aside to visit the graves of deceased family members and their traditions often include celebrations, food and beverages, in addition to their open prayers and remembrances of the departed.

We all know that death is a part of life, it is something none of us can or will avoid; we will each lose family members and friends - then why is it, that so many people seem to avoid any aspect of the subject of death, never mind actually talking about a specific family member who has died.. And if you want to see real panic – mention your child who has died?? Is it me – why is it if I mention the names of any of my children who have died, panic seems to set in to those aound me.. they have funny looks on their faces? Do you get that same reaction?

There are times when I've mentioned that I’ve had children who have died, I immediately feel the chill!! And I know that most of those around me, hope I will quickly change the subject to the weather, sports or even the latest tabloid headline... anything - just change the subject!!!

So maybe that is why “The Day of the Dead” celebrations in Mexico, Latin and South America began to intrigue me... Did you know by the way that these celebrations, intended to celebrate and honor family members who have died, have gone on for as long as 2,500–3,000 years.

Did you know that typically November 1st (“Day of the Innocents” or “Day of the Little Angels”) honors children and infants; whereas deceased adults are honored on November 2nd, similar in the same Christian culture as All Souls Day.

During this time family and friends go to cemeteries to be with the souls of the departed, here or at home they will build private altars containing the favorite foods and beverages as well as photos and memorabilia of the departed, flowers and other gifts. They hope to encourage visits by the souls and they are anxious for the souls to hear the prayers, praise, comments and memories of the living directed to those who have died. How wonderful that some celebrations will take a humorous tone, as the living remember funny events and anecdotes about the departed.

These traditions vary in different regions, but almost all have different traditions for children who have died, verus adults. Typically on November 1st of the year after a child's death, the godparents set a table in the parents' home with sweets, fruits, pan de muerto, a cross, a rosary (used to ask the Virgin Mary to pray for them) and candles. This is meant to celebrate the child's life, in respect and appreciation for the parents. There is also dancing with colorful costumes, often with skull-shaped masks and devil masks in the plaza or garden of the town - then at midnight on November 2, the people light candles and if there is a lake or river near by, they wil sail winged boats called mariposas (Spanish for "butterflies") to the other side, to honor and celebrate the lives of their children...

In many American communities – especially Texas, Arizona and throughout the southwest where Mexican influence is very strong, Day of the Dead or All Souls Celebrations are held and they are very similar to those held in Mexico. As varied as the traditions may be - remembering those who have gone before them is the main focus. Yes they may build alters in their homes and burn candles; they might brightly decorate their loved ones place of rest; they always share memories of those who are gone; many will march together wearing masks and carrying signs honoring their dead; some may carry an urn in which people can place slips of paper with prayers on them to be burned for the souls for the dead – but the one thing they will do, this year and for years to come, that warms my heart, is to remember those who have gone before them – remember them and honor them...

Personally, I think that the “Day of the Dead” or “All Souls Day” should be a world-wide celebration – a day when we can openly celebrate and remember those who have gone before us.. Because to me, and for all of us who remain behind, knowing that our children and all family members, will always be remembered in the future, is a very comforting and peaceful thought...

So today, I will remember my children: Randee Marie, Robin Marie, and Bobby Wood and I will also remember your children - I will light a candle and keep it burning today in memory of all our children. I will rejoice in what they meant to each of us and celebrate that they were part of our lives and responsible for making us who and what we are today.. 

Yes today and for years to come, I will celebrate "Day of the Dead" and "All Souls Day" as it should be celebrated as a day of honor and remembrance... Cherie Houston

Today is Special-Join us to Celebrate Your Children

Please join us this evening, Sunday, December 11th, 2011 at 6pm in Lake Havasu City, AZ for our 10th Annual Lights of Love Candlelight Memorial, a time to honor and remember our children who have died too soon. This ceremony is non-denominational and an opportunity for all parents, grandparents, families and friends to reflect and celebrate the lives and memories of our precious loved ones. There is no fee and the candles will be provided. Everyone in the community is invited.

Where: Calvary Baptist Church Sanctuary, 1605 S. McCulloch Blvd., Lake Havasu City, AZ

Fee: None

Notes: Candles will be provided, no charge

This tradition began in 1997 and continues today by The Compassionate Friends for a Worldwide Candle Lighting which unites family and friends around the globe in lighting candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause. As candles are lit at 7 p.m. local time, creating a virtual wave of light, hundreds of thousands of persons commemorate and honor the memory of children in a way that transcends all ethnic, cultural, religious, and political boundaries. This event is intended to create a virtual 24-hour wave of light as it moves from time zone to time zone. Hundreds of formal candle lighting events are held and thousands of informal candle lightings are conducted in homes as families gather in quiet remembrance of children who have died, but will never be forgotten.

For those of you reading our blog in other parts of the US or the world, we would encourage you to check with your local chapter of TCF/The Compassionate Friends, your local church or other bereavement support organization - such as hospice, MADD and others... or check this website...

www.compassionatefriends.org/WCL_Misc/2011_services.aspx

Remember & Honor Your Children Today

Since my first child, Randee Marie died in March 1971, the most common fear I've heard repeatedly from moms (and dads) of children who have died, is the fear that their child will be forgotten.. That thought is almost as unbearable as the actual loss of the child... It’s important to us, that our child, no matter their age, never be forgotten..

The images I'd seen growing up of "The Day of the Dead" celebrations used to make me squeamish!!! But now that I understand the celebrations and reasons for them, I'm in awe and have a new respect for these special days - Yes, now that I know their intent is to honor and remember our family members who have died, I'm appreciative of this wonderful reason to celebrate. Imagine, a whole day when we are encouraged to speak our child or children's names, to talk of them and all that they meant to us - yes to celebrate them!!... So if you, like me, don't understand very much about this tradition, I hope you'll allow me to share what I've learned...

I was raised Catholic, so I knew that in most countries with a Roman Catholic heritage, All Saints Day and All Souls Day were religious holidays, days when we went to mass and silently said a prayer for those who had died. I was truly surprised to learn that in many countries, these "holy days" are truly celebrated - people actually take the day off work, go to cemeteries with candles and flowers, and give presents to children, usually sweets and toys and spend the entire day remembering those who have died.. Until I began researching the "Day of the Dead" and "All Souls Day", I didn’t realize that many, if not most, cultures around the world have a specific day set aside to visit the graves of deceased family members and their traditions often include celebrations, food and beverages, in addition to their open prayers and remembrances of the departed.

We all know that death is a part of life, it is something none of us can or will avoid; we will each lose family members and friends - then why is it, that so many people seem to avoid any aspect of the subject of death, never mind actually talking about a specific family member who has died.. And if you want to see real panic – mention your child who has died?? Is it me – why is it if I mention the names of any of my children who have died, panic seems to set in to those aound me.. they have funny looks on their faces? Do you get that same reaction?

There are times when I've mentioned that I’ve had children who have died, I immediately feel the chill!! And I know that most of those around me, hope I will quickly change the subject to the weather, sports or even the latest tabloid headline... anything - just change the subject!!!

So maybe that is why “The Day of the Dead” celebrations in Mexico, Latin and South America began to intrigue me... Did you know by the way that these celebrations, intended to celebrate and honor family members who have died, have gone on for as long as 2,500–3,000 years.

Did you know that typically November 1st (“Day of the Innocents” or “Day of the Little Angels”) honors children and infants; whereas deceased adults are honored on November 2nd, similar in the same Christian culture as All Souls Day.

During this time family and friends go to cemeteries to be with the souls of the departed, here or at home they will build private altars containing the favorite foods and beverages as well as photos and memorabilia of the departed, flowers and other gifts. They hope to encourage visits by the souls and they are anxious for the souls to hear the prayers, praise, comments and memories of the living directed to those who have died. How wonderful that some celebrations will take a humorous tone, as the living remember funny events and anecdotes about the departed.

These traditions vary in different regions, but almost all have different traditions for children who have died, verus adults. Typically on November 1st of the year after a child's death, the godparents set a table in the parents' home with sweets, fruits, pan de muerto, a cross, a rosary (used to ask the Virgin Mary to pray for them) and candles. This is meant to celebrate the child's life, in respect and appreciation for the parents. There is also dancing with colorful costumes, often with skull-shaped masks and devil masks in the plaza or garden of the town - then at midnight on November 2, the people light candles and if there is a lake or river near by, they wil sail winged boats called mariposas (Spanish for "butterflies") to the other side, to honor and celebrate the lives of their children...

In many American communities – especially Texas, Arizona and throughout the southwest where Mexican influence is very strong, Day of the Dead or All Souls Celebrations are held and they are very similar to those held in Mexico. As varied as the traditions may be - remembering those who have gone before them is the main focus. Yes they may build alters in their homes and burn candles; they might brightly decorate their loved ones place of rest; they always share memories of those who are gone; many will march together wearing masks and carrying signs honoring their dead; some may carry an urn in which people can place slips of paper with prayers on them to be burned for the souls for the dead – but the one thing they will do, this year and for years to come, that warms my heart, is to remember those who have gone before them – remember them and honor them...

Personally, I think that the “Day of the Dead” or “All Souls Day” should be a world-wide celebration – a day when we can openly celebrate and remember those who have gone before us.. Because to me, and for all of us who remain behind, knowing that our children and all family members, will always be remembered in the future, is a very comforting and peaceful thought...

So today, I will remember my children: Randee Marie, Robin Marie, and Bobby Wood and I will also remember your children - I will light a candle and keep it burning today in memory of all our children. I will rejoice in what they meant to each of us and celebrate that they were part of our lives and responsible for making us who and what we are today.. Yes today and for years to come, I will celebrate "Day of the Dead" and "All Souls Day" as it should be celebrated as a day of honor and remembrance... Cherie Houston

You don't stop being parents when your child dies

~ I want to thank Susan Eliston-Throm from Apache Junction (who lost her 17 year old grandson in an auto-accident in 2008) for sending me the following article. Susan said she reads this almost daily to remind herself how important it is to continue "moving forward" for the sake of all those around her - She can't remember where she got it from, but she told me it was written by Michelle P in June 2010… So I trust Michelle won't mind us sharing it with you...

Michelle P. wrote: Denise Schipani once expressed how parents go on after the death of a child perfectly: “You go on, but you take a wildly different path.” If we are the sum total of our experiences – and losing a child is surely one of the most traumatic experiences I’ve ever witnessed – then what actually happens to parents in these circumstances is not only unknowable, it’s unimaginable.

Michelle P. also wrote: I watched my parents deal with the accidental death of my younger brother (he drowned at the age of 19), through the months when they were literally sick with grief, and the eight years since. They (as am I) are forever changed by his death but not necessarily in a negative or even regrettable way. And that’s because (and I’m not sure how to say this right) it’s not only in death that we were changed: that change actually began with his life – the fact that he died is only one aspect of who he was, just as the fact that my mother is not just a person who lost a son, she is a person who HAD a son for 19 years. And after working (and it really WAS work) through their grief, my parents choose to go on living full and even healthier lives partly as a celebration of his life. They see it as his inheritance, as something he’s given back to them, a way to make sense of his death – it gives even more meaning to their lives, to their identities as parents (because you don’t stop being a parent when your child dies).

I am incredibly proud of my parents for this: it is not only one of the bravest decisions they have ever taken, but it means that I have not lost them along with the future I would have had with my brother ~ by Michelle P.

From Grief to Joy - A Mother's Thought on our Annual Retreat

Joyce received this from a mom who attended our annual retreat a few weeks ago in February 2011. Joyce wanted to share it with all of us and has received Pam' s permission to include it in our blog... Pam's 18 yr. old son Alex ended his life July 7, 2005 and I think Pam's note speaks volumes about the benefits not only of participating in the retreat but what each of us gains from the sisterhood of sharing this journey with other moms on the same path, supporting each other as we go....I hope you enjoy it as much as I did..

~ written by Pam Ozsoy, Prescott, AZ 2011 ©

I recently attended a wonderful retreat for mothers who are grieving the loss of a child, no matter how long ago. I was very reluctant to address the loss of my child, as I never discuss it with my family for fear of hitting a raw nerve or with friends who can’t understand my loss. I truly was blessed to have Joyce Floyd, the founder and leader of the grief group, Journey from Grief to Joy, contact me and encourage me to attend, she wouldn’t let me come up with an excuse to back out!

I car-pooled with 2 other women. The retreat was held at Stagecoach Guest Ranch in Yucca, AZ. We arrived a bit late; everyone had already checked in and was participating in the tea party when we walked in. I was over taken by the amount of women present and realized that I was a member of this club, yes, I experienced the trauma of losing my son, it became so realistic to me that I was a statistic. I was somewhat in shock, looking like a deer in headlights, the women around me saw my distress and comforted me and told me it was OK. They made me feel welcome and comfortable.

We had a daily schedule and were expected to participate in all of the activities. The guest speaker was Lynn E. Paulson, PHD. She is a life coach and motivational speaker and lives in Alaska. Her topic was “I Can See Clearly Now”. Do you remember that song, it is by Johnny Nash? It would be great to review the lyrics and see how you can apply that to your grief journey.

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin for
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

Look all around, there’s nothing but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothing but blue skies

The grief process is not the same for everyone; we do not go in order of the stages. We experience different stages of grief at different times. The important thing is to realize that what we are going through is a normal part of grief and that grief is a life long journey.

The emphasis of the retreat was to share information about our children, each one of us had our turn to talk about our loss, how our child died, how old the child was. and the date the death occurred. We also had a treasure table where we placed a picture of our child and a small item belonging to our child that had significant meaning. We shared stories about our child that brought us joy. It felt as though our children were living through us.

I came away from this retreat with a new mind set. During the retreat I realized that I felt that honoring my child meant holding on to the grief and beating myself up, referring back to the song, this was my obstacle. This was how I held on to my child, by practicing self-defeating ideas. Would my son want me to live this way? Don’t we feel that all of God’s children are entitled to live a self-fulfilling life and be the best they can? So why am I stuck in this rut?

The mind is very powerful and a self-talk can make us or break us. The rainbow is that my son is in Heaven with our Holy Father. He is there experiencing more love, joy, and peace than we could ever imagine. He is looking down on me wondering why is my mom living in so much pain? Would he want me to focus only on the pain of his death, is that honoring his time on earth? For me that answer is NO! We had a beautiful love with a bond that will never be broken. He was my gift from heaven, a gift that was on loan as we all are. There are 18 years of life for me to celebrate, why am I reliving his death on a daily basis instead? I realized that this is not giving any meaning to his memory or who he was.

Yes, he isn’t here and it hurts. But I want to recall memories of when he was little, how he grew, what he did and said. Remember the love and kindness and the overflow of empathy. His athletic ability, he was a gifted golfer and made a hole in one ! When he was a teen, every morning he would ask, “What’s for dinner, Mom? “ And then after dinner he would say “Appreciate the effort” (meaning, not so great.) or “Good Effort, Mom” (He liked it). How precious is that?

So I have moved from Grief to Joy. I want his memory to bring me joy and thankfulness that he was my child. Pam Ozsoy, Prescott, AZ 2011 ©

Moving on after losing a child - A "New Normal"

It seems to me that I have posted this article in the past, but personally it's an article that I read often.. Yes, March 19th will mark 18 months since our 36 year old son Bobby died, and March 17th will mark 40 years since my first daughter, my beautiful infant daughter, Randee Marie, died.. Sometimes it's hard to believe that 3 of my 5 children have died, but they have and there are moments when each of their deaths feels as though it was just yesterday... Personally, I think we are continually facing and recreating our "new normal" as the author of this following article so eloquently puts it... Despite my sadness, I also want to talk about all the joy in my life - today is special, because today, March 16th, our family is celebrating Randee's twin - our son Ric's "40th birthday"; tomorrow March 17th-the 40th anniv. of Randee's passing-we will celebrate her namesakes 8th birthday-Ric's daughter - our granddaughter Randee Marie; and in a few days, we will celebrate our new grandson Liam Roberts 2nd month birthday on March 19th - so life is very good today and yes we have our new normal and it is better than I could have believed it would be - we are learning to appreciate what we have in our "new normal".. Enjoy-Cherie Houston

~ By Cathy Babao Guballa (10/29/2000 Issue © 2000 Philippine Daily Inquirer)

LOSING a child has been described as the worst kind of loss anyone could possibly go through, a searing and unspeakable pain. The emotions that accompany a loss of this magnitude is much like plumbing the depths of an abyss, not knowing if one will ever be able to climb out of it one day, unscathed and whole. When a child dies, a part of the self is cut off and many bereaved parents like to use the metaphor of an amputated limb.

I once read an account of a father who had lost his only son and his words were poignant. "For the amputee, the raw bleeding stump heals and the physical pain does not go away. But he lives with the pain in his heart knowing his limb will not grow back. He has to learn to live without it. He rebuilds his life around his loss. We bereaved parents must do the same."

A "New Normal": The first year after a child's death is the most difficult. In any loss, the first "everything" is always tough. Anniversaries, birthdays and holidays are guaranteed to trigger a deluge of pain and tears.

It's been two and a half years since my son died and yet the ache remains. Like amputation, parental bereavement is a permanent condition. The hopes, dreams and aspirations you had for the child now gone is lost forever.

The pain, though, subsides with the passage of time in a way. The adage "Time heals" has somehow proven true, though when my mother, who had been widowed for close to two decades, first told me about it, I was incredulous and refused to believe that it was even a possibility.

Two years down the road, when I meet friends whom I haven't seen since Migi's death, the first question that invariably crops up is "Have you recovered?" My response to that query is usually a knowing smile, quietly thinking to myself, Does anyone ever really recover from the loss of a child, or a loved one for that matter? Perhaps "recover" is not quite the correct term. I'd like to think that "moving on" is more like it. Bereaved parents eventually find resolution to their grief in the sense that they learn to live in their new world.

Dennis Klass, professor of bereavement studies at Webster University in St. Louis, Missouri, says, "Parents who have lost a child 're-solve' the matters of how to be themselves in a family and community in a way that makes life meaningful. They learn to grow in those parts of themselves that did not die with the child. They learn to invest themselves in other tasks and other relationships. But somewhere inside themselves, they report, there is a sense of loss that cannot be healed."

From my own experience, I have learned to make the loss of my son a part of my life, and to try to forge a new meaning out of it. In the first year after he died, I would often ask myself, "What is the meaning to the loss?" I would crack my brains trying to make sense of his death. I had to find a reason, a meaning to it, or else I felt his death would have been in vain.

After a loss, be it a child, a parent or a sibling, life can no longer return to normal. Instead, in its place, a "new normal" is established. This is what I have found most helpful in my grief work these last couple of years: finding that new meaning and building a new life around the loss has helped me tremendously in moving on after his death.

For many of us, it is very difficult to let go of the pain because we sometimes equate letting go with forgetting. However, I've learned that healing, or letting go of the pain, does not mean forgetting because moving on with life does not necessarily mean that we don't take a part of our lost love with us.

Resolutions for the New Year ahead

A New Year is dawning – and some say it’s a time for resolutions. For those of us who are grieving the death of our child, resolutions can be different from those of our friends and families. We hope these resolutions might help you to find peace and joy throughout the new year ahead…

• I will try not to imagine the future and take one day at a time.
• I will allow myself to cry, both alone and with my loved ones.
• I will not shut out family and friends from my thoughts and feelings.
• I will take care of my health. A sick body will only compound my troubles. I will drink a lot of water, take multivitamins, rest (even if I don’t sleep) and exercise moderately. I will help heal my body as well as my mind.
• I will keep a journal to see my progress through grief.
• I will be patient with myself
• I will learn to accept that the journey through grief does not meet a specific timetable
• I will share my feelings with friends and let them share with me. I realize I am coming out of my shell when I care about the pain of others.
• I will try not to expect so much understanding from those who have not walked the same path.
• I will learn to accept the help and kindness of others.
• I will be kind to myself, and appreciate my health, appearance, and time alone.
• I will try to be more considerate of my spouse and children; I know that they are also grieving and deserve my help.
• I will try to concentrate on my blessings, instead of my losses.
• In memory of my child, I will do something to help someone else. This way, my child can live on through me.
• I will celebrate my child, instead of focusing on the circumstances of their death.
• I will remember that I owe it to myself and to my child to enjoy life.

Remembering Our Loved Ones on Valentine's Day-Part 2 of 2

~written by June Cook (co-founder of www.selfhealingexpressions.com) Copyright (c) 2008 Marty Tousley

Personal grief rituals are those loving activities that help us remember our loved ones, and give us a sense of connectedness, healing and peace. Creating and practicing personal grief rituals can also help us release painful situations and unpleasant memories, freeing us to make our memories a positive influence in our lives.

What follows are just a few examples of personal grief rituals. The ideas are as unique and as varied as the people who invented them; think of ways that you can adapt them and make them your own. You are limited only by your own imagination.

• If you're a writer, write. It could be an article, an anecdote, a story, a poem, a song, a letter, an obituary or a eulogy. If you don't want to write for someone else, keep a private journal and write about your feelings as you journey through your grief.

• Buy a very special candle, decorate it and light it in honor of your loved one.

• Purchase a book - perhaps a children's book - on coping with the loss of a loved one, and donate it to your local library or school. Ask the librarian to place a label inside the front cover inscribed "In memory of [your loved one's name]."

• Plant a tree, bush, shrub, garden or flower bed as a permanent growing memorial to your beloved. Mark the site with a memorial plaque, marker, bench or statue.

• Memorialize your beloved in cyberspace by lighting a virtual candle online.

• Write a special note, letter, poem, wish or prayer to your beloved, go outside, attach the paper to a balloon and let it go - or place it in a vessel and burn it, and watch the smoke rise heavenward.

• If you are harboring bad feelings or regrets, gather symbols to represent those hurtful or painful situations, events, or feelings from your past, place them in a container and hold a private burial or burning ceremony, saying goodbye and releasing them as you do so.

• Ask relatives, friends, co-workers and neighbors to gather their contributions, and put together a scrapbook or box of memories containing mementoes, letters and photographs of your loved one.

• Celebrate the life of your loved one by continuing favorite traditions or eating favorite foods.

• Select a Valentine card that you wish your beloved would have picked for you, and mail it to yourself.

• Give yourself a gift from your loved one that you always wished he or she would have given you, and think of your beloved whenever you use it or wear it.