It's OK ~ You're Absolutely Normal ~You Are Grieving!

As a grieving parent, there are many days when we question our own sanity... wonder if we are normal - why aren't we getting better as so many around us seem to expect..   As we've said in previous blogs, for many around us - their ability to understand the grieving process is based on their own experiences - which most often are the normal, expected passings of aging adults - not of their precious children... So how we, as parents, grieve for our children is very different - and no matter what, others may say to you, you are sane & you are normal..  

As strange as some of these emotions and actions may seem, they are normal and healthy. Allow yourself to learn from them.  Don’t be surprised if, out of nowhere, you suddenly experience surges of grief, even at the most unexpected times – even months and years later – when you think you have “gotten better”.   These grief attacks can be frightening and leave you feeling overwhelmed. They are, however, a natural response to the death of someone we loved with all our hearts – our precious children…  And trust me, it truly helps to find someone who understands your feelings – what you are going thru, someone who will allow you to talk about your child…..  This is a true list that a grandma from one of my classes in AZ recently sent to me to share...   How true it is... Cherie Houston

But You're Absolutely Normal! ~ By Joanne Bonelli, TCF, Greater Boise Area, ID

Grief is a normal reaction to loss, and it shows up in many ways you might not expect. If you've…

• been angry with doctors or nurses for not doing enough

• been sleeping too much or not enough

• noticed a change in appetite

• felt no one understands what you're going through

• felt friends should call more or call less or leave you alone or invite you along more often

• bought things you didn't need

• considered selling everything and moving

• had headaches, upset stomachs, weakness, lethargy, more aches and pains

• been unbearable, lonely, and depressed

• been crabby

• cried for no apparent reason

• found yourself obsessed with thoughts of the deceased

• been forgetful, confused, uncharacteristically absentminded

• panicked over little things

• felt guilty about things you have or haven't done

• gone to the store every day

• forgotten why you went somewhere

• called friends and talked for a long time

• called friends and wanted to hang up after only a brief conversation

• not wanted to attend social functions you usually enjoyed

• found yourself unable to concentrate on written material

• been unable to remember what you just read

…you’re normal.

These are all common reactions to grief. They take up to two to three years (or more) to pass, but they will ease and pass. Don't worry - you will never forget your child or children.  Eventually though, in your own time and your own way, your life will become normal, but remember, it will never be exactly the same - it will be a "new normal" that is unique to you..  Until then, try to take care of yourself, be patient and know in time you will heal and find peace...

What to expect along this journey from mourning to joy - Part 2 of 2

Yes - the death of a child is the most challenging life task we will ever endure.  Along this journey from mourning to joy, there are many emotional and physical ways in which our journey will take us.  Much of this journey is beyond your control - there is no order to the journey.  But it does help to know that what you are experiencing is normal  - you are not crazy and you are not alone...  We hope that knowing what you might experience will help ease your broken heart...

~ Denial of your loss, thinking that your child will return.

~ Needing to tell and retell the story of your child’s death

~ Inability to function in your job

~ Sensing your child’s presence or an odor or touch associated with your child

~ Having difficulty grocery shopping because of seeing your child’s favorite food(s) on the shelves

~ Irrationally upset with yourself if you smile or laugh, thinking how can I smile, my child is DEAD!

~ Feelings as if your spouse or other family member don’t understand your grief or are not grieving as you think they should. Remember all of us grieve differently.

~ Losing old friends who don’t seem to understand your pain and grief

~ Making new friends through support groups with members who have also experienced the death of a child and therefore understand your feelings.

~ Feeling like you are making progress in your grief work, then slip back into the old feelings.

~ Grief work usually is a succession of two steps forward and one step back over a long period of time

~ Becoming frustrated with others who expect you to “over this” in a month, six months or a year and who say so. Or even being frustrated with yourself for expecting to be “over this” too soon.

~ Grief work form the death of your child is a SLOW process.

~ Be patient with yourself. You are a bereaved Mother.

~ Be gentle with yourself. You are GRIEVING.

What to expect along this journey from mourning to joy - Part 1 of 2

The death of a child is the most challenging life task we will ever endure.  Along this journey from mourning to joy, there are many emotional and physical ways in which our journey will take us.  Much of this journey is beyond your control - there is no order to the journey.  But it does help to know that what you are experiencing is normal  - you are not crazy and you are not alone... 

Those of us who have made this journey before you, have found that knowing or at least being aware of what we might experience helps to ease the pain and alleviate the fear that we are losing our minds... You are not losing your mind - your child has died and you are learning to cope with a tremendous loss.  Your mind and body are simply adjusting to your new reality and that takes time... 

You may experience some or all of these... but know that your journey is yours, very personal and different from anyone elses.  But also remember, that no matter how difficult your journey may be, there are many people who love and care about you.  Turn to those who love and care about you, reach out and allow them to help you, even if that is only to sit with you as your heart breaks..and remember those of us who have made this journey before you are always here for you - your sisters in grief..

Some of the things you may experience or feel are:

~ Depression

~ A profound longing and emptiness

~ Wanting to die. This feeling passes in time; because you will realize that you must go on for the sake of your remaining family members, yourself and your child who died.

~ Profound sadness

~ Crying all the time or at unexpected times

~ Inability to concentrate on anything, frequently misplacing items

~ Wondering “Why???”

~ Forgetfulness

~ Questioning yourself over and over: “If only I had…..?” “Why didn’t I…..?”

~ Placing unnecessary guilt on yourself or others.

~ Anger with yourself, family members, God, the doctor and even your child for dying.

~ Fearing that you are going crazy! (very normal)

~ Great physical exhaustion. Grief is HARD work and consumes much energy!

~ Difficulty sleeping or sleeping all the time to avoid the pain.

~ Physical symptoms such as heaviness in your chest or having difficulty breathing, tightness in your throat, yawning, sighing, gasping or even hyperventilating.

~ Lack of appetite or overeating

~ Weight gain or weight loss

~ Anxiety (Often associated with overprotective behavior toward surviving children and other family members.)

Bereavement, Grief and Knowledge

No amount of knowledge can prepare us for bereavement. Grief is the most intense and enduring emotion we can experience. No quick fix. No short-cut. An ancient African saying is “There is no way out of the desert except through it.” Knowledge of the grief process gives us a very generalized map of the terrain we have to cover. Each of us will take a different route. Each will choose his own landmarks. We will all travel at our own unique speed and will navigate using the tools provided by our culture, experience, and faith. In the end, we will be forever changed by this journey.

Knowledge helps us avoid the major pitfalls of grief. A knowledge of what is known of grief assures us that we have not lost all sense of sanity. When we find ourselves feeling befuddled in a mist shrouded swamp we can say “It’s OK. This too is part of my journey. Others have gone this way before me and I will survive. I am human.”

As each day passes and as we all explore and understand our loss, the pain, sadness and depth of our grief will diminish in frequency and intensity. During our journey through grief, the most important tool we have for recovery is to talk with accepting, understanding and trusted family, friends and others about our loss. Know that talking about those who have died is very healthy and allows us overcome and continue through the journey versus becoming stuck…

Most of all remember: "Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor loss of faith, it is simply the price of our love for another human being".

SEASONS OF GRIEF (Part 3 of 3)

~ by Sandy Goodman

When my son died in 1996, I had no other option but to change my thinking. I could not live another day presuming he no longer existed. By saying to myself often I am changing my perception of death, I announced to the universe and my higher self that I intended to change what I believed. I placed my intent, reached for it, and settled for nothing less.

I began searching for and finding information to support my new perception. I read books about life after death, mediumship, after death communication, spirituality, and reincarnation. I perused websites, joined email lists, and joined chats where these topics were addressed. I found like-minded friends who understood what I was feeling. I observed mediumship activities on television, at seminars, and on the Internet. I began to support my new belief system with knowledge.

I invited experiences by talking to Jason and asking him to come to me in a dream or to give me a sign of his presence. I meditated and made myself more aware of that which isn't seen or touched. I opened up a doorway of possibility and welcomed all that came from love to enter.

Finally, I accepted what happened and expressed gratitude. When the lights went off and then on again for no apparent reason, I was quick to say "thank you." If I was only thanking the power company, it didn't matter. No one knew. The more I accepted as real, the more I experienced. We hear often that "seeing is believing," but this is about "believing is seeing."

My journey has been both desolate and inspiring. There have been moments when I thought the cold and darkness would never end, and moments when tears of joy washed away the pain and light permeated my being. I invite you to walk the path of grief a little differently: to nurture winter's bleakness and look deep into its purpose. And just as we must think differently to see winter's grace, we must think differently to see the gift of grief. It is there, buried beneath a frozen crust that protects and restores while the winter of our soul . . . ensues.

Note: Sandy Goodman is the author of Love Never Dies: A Mothers Journey from Loss to Love (Jodere Group, 2002), and the founder and chapter leader of the Wind River Chapter of The Compassionate Friends. She has presented at national conferences for The Compassionate Friends, Bereaved Parents of the USA and the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors.

SEASONS OF GRIEF (Part 2 of 3)

~ by Sandy Goodman

My grief transformed me. It tore out everything within me and said There! It is GONE! What are you going to do? You have NOTHING LEFT TO HANG ON TO! You must begin again. You must change.

And change is what I did. As winter alters the earth, my grief changed me. It gave me a period of time to step back from living and just be, a space in my existence to feel only that which I needed to feel. It was a time for reflection, reprioritizing, and searching. Without it, I would remain as empty as a garden that never rests.

"But it was painful, horrifying, and devastating," you say. "How can you be thankful for such a thing?"

Grief, like winter, freezes our world. Both appear painful, horrifying, and devastating, but it is our preparation for, reaction to, and perception of that creates our discomfort. It is our need to label that which appraises discomfort as bad. If we deny that death is possible for those we love, we will be stunned and terrified by its occurrence. If we react to the first blizzard of winter with panic and fear, we will be too afraid to honor its power. If we perceive a fatal ice storm as an act of God, we will shake our fist at Him and spend more time than we have asking why. And if we distinguish death as the end of a loved one's existence, we will be eternally saddened by their absence.

The path to spring, to the end of winter, requires only our patience and perseverance. The path to healing requires that and more: it requires that we learn to think differently.

We are a society that fears death. We consider it an end to life, love, and all that came before. Those who die either cease to be, or they exist in a place that is unavailable to us. It is not surprising that fear is present. However, if we alter our beliefs, we can then change our preparation for, reaction to, and perception of death. If we come to know that death is a change in form and not an end, we will not eliminate the winters of our grieving, but we will lessen our suffering.

Note: Sandy Goodman is the author of Love Never Dies: A Mothers Journey from Loss to Love (Jodere Group, 2002), and the founder and chapter leader of the Wind River Chapter of The Compassionate Friends. She has presented at national conferences for The Compassionate Friends, Bereaved Parents of the USA and the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors.

SEASONS OF GRIEF (Part 1 of 3)

~ by Sandy Goodman

It is winter today. There is no sun, not even a flash of light to focus on. The air has become murky as if it has solidified, losing its clarity. Ice covers everything, smothering any life that might have been. Staring out my window, I compare the bite of winter to my grief: the coldness, the shadows, and my reluctance to breathe in any more discomfort. Grief, like winter, appears uninvited and unwelcome. We abhor the pain and wonder why we must endure the distress, while all along we feel the imminent arrival.

Winter compels the earth to rest. Everything stops struggling, stops performing, and sleeps. Abruptly, nature's need to "do" is gone and "being" is all that is necessary. All that was living before appears lifeless. The leaves disappear from the trees, flowers no longer grace our gardens, and the grass is entombed by snow. But what is going on beneath that which we see? Are the flowers really gone, or are they only changing . . . becoming new, becoming different?

I ponder how much further I dare go with this. Can I contend that grief, like winter, is a gift? Can I talk about the metamorphosis of grief, and contemplate gratitude for its presence? I do not know, but that is where my thoughts are leading me.

Grief necessitates a sabbatical from living. We stop struggling, stop performing, and freeze. Our compulsion to "do" dissolves, and "being" is all that is possible. Our life as we knew it disappears, dreams are shattered, and our hearts are ripped from us in the blink of an eye. We are gone, lost in our grief. But what is transpiring in our heart? Is everything gone, or is it only changing . . . becoming new, becoming different?

Grief is harsher than winter. The tasks of daily living are amplified, and what was once soft and blurred becomes sharp and ragged. While winter invariably ends and I remember that spring will arrive, grief makes no such promise. I must wait without assurance. There are moments when winter is beautiful: a blanket of fresh snow on Christmas morning or the surprise of a warm breeze in February. There are nights when winter is hard and ugly, when temperatures plummet and the howl of the wind threatens our sanity. Grief is the same. A special memory comes into my heart and grief becomes bittersweet . . . beautiful. Then, a letter addressed to my son arrives in the mail, and I am back to the harsh reality that he is gone.

Note: Sandy Goodman is the author of Love Never Dies: A Mothers Journey from Loss to Love (Jodere Group, 2002), and the founder and chapter leader of the Wind River Chapter of The Compassionate Friends. She has presented at national conferences for The Compassionate Friends, Bereaved Parents of the USA and the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors.