A moment in time that creates the before & after…

~ By Cherie Houston

No matter the age or cause of our child’s death – for each of us, the moment of our child’s death will forever be frozen in time.

Whether we are young or old, rich or poor, whether our child was lost during pregnancy or well into their adult years for every parent, this is true. Yes, no matter who we are this is true, you, me, each mom in our group and groups like ours around the world, for Jacqueline Kennedy, Rose Kennedy, Paul Newman, Bill Cosby, John Travolta and recently Marie Osmond – yes as parents, we all agree that when our child dies, our life becomes divided into two periods “before and after” our child’s death.

No matter the shock of that moment we receive the news or watch as our child passes, whether it was anticipated or a total shock, each of us will forever remember and replay each and every detail of that moment as though it happened yesterday. Yes, no matter how many months or years pass, we will continue to mark the before and after by that horrific moment in time.

As we continue on our journey from mourning, our normal sense of time is changed forever and we find that we count the time we have lived without their presence - at first the days, then the weeks, months and then the years..  Yes grieving changes time for us – in those first heart stopping hours after their death, life – the world – and time seems to stop - I believe it does that intentionally as God and nature’s way of allowing our mind, heart and soul to gather the strength that we will need in the days and months ahead…

Yes, life – the world and time will begin again – and so will we.  And when it does – it will be different – a new normal will begin to emerge and we, like so many before us, will define so many things inour lives by the "before and after"…  I hope that eventually you will find "peace" when you recollect the "before" and find joy and peace as you move into and through the tomorrows of the "after"...

Parental Grief is Nameless & Boundless

It is said that a wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan.

But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is!

It is frequently said that the grief of bereaved parents is the most intense grief known.

When a child dies, parents feel that a part of them has died, that a vital and core part of them has been ripped away. Bereaved parents indeed do feel that the death of their child is "the ultimate deprivation" (Arnold and Gemma 1994, 40). The grief caused by their child's death is not only painful but profoundly disorienting-children are not supposed to die.

Parents, whose children have died, are forced to confront an extremely painful and stressful paradox; they are faced with a situation in which they must deal both with the grief caused by their child's death and with their inherent need to continue to live their own lives as fully as possible. Thus, bereaved parents must deal with the contradictory burden of wanting to be free of this overwhelming pain and yet needing it as a reminder of the child who died.


Bereaved parents continue to be parents of the child who died. They will always feel the empty place in their hearts caused by the child's death; they were, and always will be, the loving father and mother of that child. Yet, these parents have to accept that they will never be able to live their lives with or share their love openly with the child.

So, bereaved parents must find ways to hold on to the memories. Many bereaved parents come to learn that "memories are the precious gifts of the heart...[that they need] these memories and whispers, to help create a sense of inner peace, a closeness" (Wisconsin Perspectives Newsletter, Spring 1989, 1).


Yes - parental grief ~ like parental love ~ is boundless. It touches every aspect of a parent's being...

Yes, when our children die, we as parents will grieve for the rest of our lives. Our grief becomes part of us - the new us..As time passes, parents come to appreciate that our grief is our link to our child, our grief keeps us connected to the child.

Yes it is true, Children are not supposed to die, but we know hat they do...  We, the parents, expect to see our children grow, mature and live long and happy lives..

Yes it is true, ultimately, all parents expect to die and leave their children behind...This is the natural course of life events, the life cycle continuing as it should.

But yes we also know, that the loss of a child, our child, is the loss of innocence, and sometimes the death of the most vulnerable and dependent.

Yes, it is true, the death of our child, signifies the loss of the future, of hopes and dreams, of new strength, and of perfection.  We, the parents are expected to an must continue on, to live our lives to the fullest; to give meaning to their lives and their legacies and to insure that throught our memories, that they are not forgotten...

Adapting to the loss of a loved one

~ by Wendy Bridger

Have you ever sat down and played a piano where one of the keys wasn't working? Or made cookies and left out an ingredient? Perhaps you've started listening to a favorite CD, and just when it gets to your favorite part of your favorite song, you realize that there is a scratch in it.

In some ways, losing a loved one is similar. Here you are going easily through life, and then, BAM, they are gone and life will never be the same. That piano piece sounds different because the middle C is broken, the cookies just aren't the same, and at times, we are frustrated like we are when our CD gets scratched. Unfortunately, with the loss of a loved one, it is more difficult to fix than the piano or the batch of cookies, and your loved one was irreplaceable, unlike the CD. Short and simple, this is what grieving is: learning to cope with the loss of someone who was apart of what made us what we are. So, what do we do? How do we go on after they are gone? I have a few suggestions that might help you through.

First of all, just as each of us has different personalities, each of us grieves in a different way. There is no right or wrong way to feel or act, as long as you are not endangering yourself or others. Some of us cry. Others of us bury ourselves in work or hobbies. If the person is still living and only the relationship has changed, it is very easy for us to do all we can to change things back to how they used to be. At times, it may take a while to truly even admit that they are gone. We just might feel numb. Some of us might even feel guilty if we don't feel sad enough! So, take your feelings and actions for what they are and be patient with yourself. After all, you have just lost a part of what makes you who you are.

Also, find a way to transition your loved one into your new life¹. My father in law lost his dad last year and he hung a picture of him up in the living room to remember him. Others write goodbye letters to their loved one, giving themselves a chance to tell them things that they never got to say. Some of us keep a little box full of pictures and memories only to be taken out when we want to remember them, because remembering them all the time would be too overwhelming. I had a friend who's little brother died. She got married on his birthday as a way to include him at her wedding. Once again, it depends on you and your relationship with the one you loved. For instance, burning every picture you had of an ex-boyfriend might be the perfect way to transition.

Another thing, you don't ever "get over it." Your loved one is gone. If you no longer have an ingredient to make cookies, it's easy to realize that replacing it with a different ingredient would not make the cookies start tasting like they used to. To expect that you will be able to replace your loved one is also unrealistic. This reality may sound even more depressing. Frankly, I love chocolate chip cookies, and the idea of not ever having one again is quite upsetting! But in time, if I had to, I could grow to love other sweets, like banana bread, sweet potato pie, or brownies. So, even if you aren't going to get over it, and you won't, but in time, you will adapt to the loss and find fulfillment through other experiences and relationships.

So, be patient with yourself. Losing someone isn't easy. It turns your life upside down. Naturally, it's going to take a while to pick up the pieces and transition to life without your loved one.

Remember, Beethoven composed some beautiful music after losing his hearing, and you will find happiness and fulfillment again in your life after losing your loved one.

¹Wordern, J.W. (1991). Grief Counseling & Grief Therapy: A guidebook for the Mental Health Practitioner. Springer Publishing

Helping Yourself Heal When Your Child Dies – Part 4 of 6

~~ Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt

Talk About Your Grief - Express your grief openly. When you share your grief outside yourself, healing occurs. Ignoring your grief won't make it go away; talking about it often makes you feel better. Allow yourself to speak from your heart, not just your head. Doing so doesn't mean you are losing control or going "crazy". It is a normal part of your grief journey.

Watch Out for Cliches - Cliches - trite comments some people make in attempts to diminish your loss - can be extremely painful for you to hear. Comments like, "You are holding up so well", "Time heals all wounds", "Think of what you have to be thankful for" or "You have to be strong for others" are not constructive. While these comments may be well-intended, you do not have to accept them. You have every right to express your grief. No one has the right to take it away.

Develop a Support System - Reaching out to others and accepting support is often difficult, particularly when you hurt so much. But the most compassionate self-action you can do at this difficult time is to find a support system of caring friends and relatives who will provide the understanding you need. Seek out those people who encourage you to be yourself and acknowledge your feelings – both happy and sad.

A support group may be one of the best ways to help yourself. In a group, you can connect with other parents who have experienced the death of a child. You will be allowed and gently encouraged to talk about your child as much, and as often, as you like.

Sharing the pain won't make it disappear, but it can ease any thoughts that what you are experiencing is crazy, or somehow bad. Support comes in different forms for different people – find out what combinations work best for you and try to make use of them.

Note: Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is a noted author, educator and practicing clinical thanatologist. He serves as a Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School in the Department of Family Medicine. – From the website: http://www.buddhanet.net/r_child.htm

Helping Yourself Heal When Your Child Dies – Part 3 of 6

~~ Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt

Expect to Feel a Multitude of Emotions - The death of your child can result in a variety of emotions. Confusion, disorganisation, fear, guilt, anger and relief are just a few of the emotions you may feel. Sometimes these emotions will follow each other within a short period of time. Or they may occur simultaneously.

As strange as some of these emotions may seem, they are normal and healthy. Allow yourself to learn from these feelings. And don't be surprised if out of nowhere you suddenly experience surges of grief, even at the most unexpected times. These grief attacks can be frightening and leave you feeling overwhelmed. They are, however, a natural response to the death of your child. Find someone who understands your feelings and will allow you to talk about them.

Be Tolerant of Your Physical and Emotional Limits - Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you fatigued. Your ability to think clearly and make decisions may be impaired. And your low energy level may naturally slow you down. Don't expect yourself to be as available to your spouse, surviving children, and friends as you might otherwise be.

Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Nurture yourself. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. Lighten your schedule as much as possible. Caring for yourself doesn't mean feeling sorry for yourself, it means you are using survival skills.

Note: Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is a noted author, educator and practicing clinical thanatologist. He serves as a Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School in the Department of Family Medicine. – From the website: http://www.buddhanet.net/r_child.htm

The Three N's of Grief

~ by Kennth C. Haugk - Segments from his "A Time to Grieve" - Book 1

You've suffered one of the greatest losses anyone has to experience - the loss of a loved one - your child.  Your life has been truly turned upside down, and it feels as if part of you is missing.  The very real and human response to such as loss is to grieve.  Yet sometimes, people still feel pressured not to grieve.  The message they receive is that grief is optional, abnormal or even a sign of weakness.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Grief is as very normal, natural and necessary process.  I like to call these the three N's of grief...

• Grief is normal because it is how people respond to a significant personal loss.  It's normal to expect people who've lost someone they love to be deeply affected by their loss.
• Grief is natural in that it's a completely human thing to do.  We can't avoid grief - it's built into us.  We're created to grieve, just as we're created to love.  We love and when we lose someone, we grieve.
• Grief is necessary.  Grief provides a healthy way to cope with the loss and everything it means to us.  Trying to ignore or avoid grief won't work.  It will only make the grief last longer and possibly cause even more pain.

The most important thought I can share with you is GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO GRIEVE.  You're human, so let yourself be human,  Sometimes people begin to feel the tears welling up or emotions starting to flow, they they shut off the faucet and try to hold their feelings back, Letting yourself feel is the best and healthiest thing you can dor for yourself and for those you love.