For those fortunate enough to have never lost a child…

Most parents who are coping with the death of a child or children are commonly frustrated and saddened by well-meaning family, friends and co-workers who don’t understand why they can’t “move on” or “get back to normal”…  

Since I began this blog almost 3 years ago after the death of my third child, my 36 year old son Bobby,  I’ve written many postings about why I think others can’t understand, typically trying to give them the benefit of the doubt…  I recently received the following from a mom in England, who asked that I not share her name – but she tells me it was written by a grieving dad and it is to me the most powerful response to those well meaning “outsiders” that I’ve ever read….I know its longer than most of our postings, but believe me, it’s also one of the most powerful…  

I don’t know this dad, or where he’s from, but I want to thank him on behalf of all of us, for being so eloquent – for saying what I think may of us feel and think to ourselves ~ but have never been able to say as well.  Furthermore I hope this dad, Alan Carnahan,  won’t mind that this is one article I will share annually on our blog….Cherie Houston

For those fortunate enough to have never lost a child…

~by Alan Carnahan, grieving father

You say it’s time for me to “move on” in my grief. Perhaps you’re right or perhaps you just don’t realize what you’re asking. So, why don’t you try this little exercise and maybe it will help you get a better perspective on what I am going through. To make this really hit home for you it should be practiced for at least 24 hours. The longer the better; but, we do not have that long, so we will do it for 10 minutes. Don’t blow this off as a stupid idea. It works along the same lines as blindfolding yourself to experience being without sight.

First of all, think about your child.

I want you to try to imagine the worst thing in the world that your beloved child died. Whatever age or stage of development, whether he or she lives with you or not, just imagine you won’t ever see that child on earth again.

Let me explain to you the reality…try to imagine, if you can, never seeing your child again, never hearing his/her laugh, never hearing the sound of their voice, never smelling the scent you have come to recognize as your child…. never hearing them say “I love you”…nothing – just silence, emptiness…..

Now imagine never seeing your child’s smile, never seeing him upset or happy, never watching him sleep…missing them so much that you are twisted up inside and the pain stays with you 24/7.

You smell their pillow, their clothes, you look at his pictures and can only cry – what happened, why?

You have never felt longing like this in your life! Longing to hear his voice, to see his face again,…and to know deep in your soul you cannot fix this.

Now, imagine every single thing that used to give you joy and pleasure turns into hurt and despair overnight. Not a gradual thing, but going from pleasure to hurt, from happiness to sadness, from peace to no peace, changing overnight. Every thing you loved now hurts like hell… For example: music. I used to be a band director. Music was a big part of my life. Now it’s hard for me to listen to it It sears me like a red hot knife with the pain of losing my child, it cuts me wide open, especially rap music……my son loved rap music. Almost every song reminds me of the void in my life without my child. I am not unique in that pain – if you lost a child you would know. That is just one little example of how your life is affected by the loss of your child. Just ONE example!

Now imagine calling all your family and friends to tell them your child died.

Next; go to a funeral home and discuss caskets or cremation, headstone, burial plots, etc. Pick out a favorite outfit for your child to be buried in and the flowers that lay at the alter. Sit down and write out the obituary for the newspaper, pick out the music to be played at their memorial and picking out pictures of them to put around the funeral home.

Get in his closet of his room and hold onto his clothes that he wore and cry until there are no more tears.

Then repeat this until you think you’re losing your mind and your gut is wrenching.

If you made it through that part you are ready for the next step. As good parents, we were always able to fix things or make things better for our children.. this we cannot fix, we cannot make it better. So; on top of everything else you are feeling, you also feel helplessness, out of control hopelessness…and this is universal. Every parent that truly loves their child will feel this.

Are you starting to imagine now how it feels? Just think you are doing this exercise for only 10 minutes, imagine… really imagine, feeling this way 24/7 – day after day, month after month, year after year and no matter what you are doing or who you are talking to; memories of your child play over and over in your mind. Your child when he was a baby, a laughing happy little boy, a handsome young teen, a wonderful young man/ woman and it always plays in your head and you do not want to forget even a single second of your beautiful child’s life…but; that is a fear you have. You fear that as time passes, you will start to forget…so now, please add FEAR to the list of emotions.

This is what it really feels like. A part of you has died…. don’t just read the words, FEEL them – DIED…… gone forever… a real, beautiful, living part of you has died… and you are still living. Left behind to try to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and not having a clue where to even begin. No wonder a high percentage of marriages break up, parents have breakdowns, turn to alcohol, drugs or a destructive way of life. NO WONDER!!!!!

During all of this remember, the world hasn’t stopped. If you have a job, you will have to return to it. The power company and everyone else still wants their payment each month.

You may have doctor’s bills, ambulance bills, and attorney fees if an accident was involved.

If your child died at the hands of another, there will be a trial and publicity.

If you were blessed to have other children; you will have to deal with their grief as well as your own. They will still have homework, tests, reports, projects and the class bully.

You feel the loss with every thought, every emotion. The loss bleeds into every aspect of your life.

Even with your other children…you still love your other children just as much as always, but, as hard as it is… even they hurt you now… because when you see them… you feel the LOSS, the loss of the child that died…. not being with their siblings. It doesn’t fit. There is a piece missing. Your whole life doesn’t fit anymore. Everything that felt right, now feels wrong and of course there is always the missing, the horrible gut wrenching, out of your control….. MISSING….…

Next comes the “firsts”. First birthday without them. First anniversary of death and at first, you count the days, weeks, and months since they passed. Your first Christmas without them, etc. When everyone is singing tra-la-la and jingle bells…. you won’t be. Your heart will be too heavy. The hurt will be so intense you will marvel that you can get out of bed each morning.

Every morning when you take your other children to school you’ll be reminded that you AREN’T taking one too.

You’ll see their friends going on with their lives and it will cut you to the quick.

When they all graduate from kindergarten, middle school, high school….. your child won’t.

When you start getting wedding invitations in the mail for these other children, you’ll be reminded again of your loss.

Don’t forget that when you go shopping; you’ll see things that you wanted to buy for your deceased child and many times you will still buy them anyway.

You’ll see places the two of you USED to go and sometimes sit in the parking lot and remember that special day.

At home when you prepare a favorite meal of the child who is gone; it won’t taste the same to you.

The pictures, cards they made for you or sent you, the toys and other possessions of your child…. will be both harmful…. and helpful. They are a link to the past, a way to remember more about what you’ve lost and (had) at the same time; they are a link to the past and a way to remember more about what you’ve lost.

Remember……. That family portrait you were always so proud of? Well, it will take on a whole new meaning now.

A part of you does not exist anymore and it is scary as hell…. that is why they say the loss of a child is like no other loss.. you cannot compare it to another loss.

With other losses, you grieve and you are of course sad, but, when your child dies, a part of you ceases to exist… gone just like that….. gone no warning, JUST GONE.  And the life that you knew, the things you always felt, the things in your life that made sense, that you held on to, that makes up who you are – are Gone!!!

That is why when parents who have lost children hear..

“I want the old you back,”

“It’s been a year (a month, 6 months-whatever), don’t you feel better yet?,”

“You are doing this to yourself,”

“You’re making it harder on yourself,”

“Grief can become a selfish thing you know”

…we can only shake our heads and feel sadness and hopelessness, because there is no way our lives will ever be like it was when our child was alive.

No wonder bereaved parents isolate themselves, we are just trying to hold on.

So….were you able to imagine for 10 minutes what it must feel like? Even 2 minutes is too long to imagine the unimaginable, to feel the pain. I would not wish this on anyone….but did you get a sense of how life-changing it is? Imagine you feeling this way 24/7; not even getting a moments relief from it!

Now, go on and put in your favorite CD to listen to, enjoy the music…..go home and hug your child, listen to them laugh, watch him smile, smell the scent that you know is them and please do not tell me how I should feel or that I am holding onto this. I know that my friends/family must be tired of watching me go through this, because if you haven’t lost a beloved child of yours…… you haven’t got a clue.

When you hear these words “the presence of his absence is everywhere”…. will you finally understand?

Didn’t mean to ask too much of you. Believe it or not. I could write dozens of other things for you to imagine. Fortunately for you, it’s only an exercise. But I live it every day.

IF you have had the guts to stick it out to here…..remember; this was just a little exercise. I don’t think you will be so quick to utter those words now.  Not if you really did imagine.

~by Alan Carnahan, grieving father

Helping a grieving dad this Father's Day

How many times have you thought or asked the following questions after your child died about the father of your child who has died…

• “Since our little boy died my husband fights the tears and holds them back?”


• “Our child died but my husband finds it so hard to express his emotions?”


• “I know my husband loved our child, but I don’t understand what’s happening with him – either he’s done grieving or he just can’t deal with it..


• "I don’t understand him? AndI don’t think he understands me either…?”

There’s no doubt that each of us different and that includes the way in which we react to and grieve for our children, but studies show there are most likely genetic differences in the way men and women handle grief and I'm sure it's also environmental, in the way in which we’ve been conditioned since childhood. We all know that typically it's much harder for men to show their emotions and this is no different when it comes to the way in which they grieve.. I do think however that this has changed a little for the better with the younger generation of men…

It is so important to encourage the men in our lives to accept their true feelings as normal, bypass role expectations, and give themselves permission to grieve.

I read an article recently in one of The Compassionat Friend websites addressing this issue and they spoke of the variolus roles that men are conditioned to play or be and no doubt these roles can and do impact the grief process for dads and men in general:

One role is that of MACHO-MAN, a role which begins during boyhood (Big boys don’t cry) and is reinforced by the media and females indoctrinated with the same conditioning. On an unconscious level, men usually accept the macho role.

After the death of a child, fathers as well as mothers have a desperate need to express the emotions of grief. Feelings of sadness are triggered by the obvious absence of the child, family events, memories, pictures, and holidays. Society will accept a father’s crying at the time of his child’s death or at the memorial service or funeral, but not long afterwards.

Because a man is less able to verbalize his pain, he and his wife may have difficulties as they attempt to support and understand each other. Unless they can understand and discuss their different grief responses, they may have additional problems in an already distressed marriage.

When dealing with the death of a child, a father can feel a sense of failure in his role as PROTECTOR. (Men assume quite naturally the role of protector of wives, children, and property.) He begins to ask himself why he didn’t do something that would have prevented the death. He fails again in this role because he cannot protect his family from the pain of grief or shield them from the devastating effects of his own grief.

The role of PROVIDER commonly causes a father to return to work very soon after his child’s death. He may have problems at work or he may reinvest himself in his job, attempting to forget his loss. Because at home he cannot avoid facing the death of his child, he tries to find activities which will prevent his being at home too much. The demand of his job force a father to grieve at a different rate than his wife.

As a boy grows up, his parents encourage him to “stand on your own two feet,” so he assumes the role of the SELF-SUFFICIENT MAN. When coping with the death of his own child, he may feel he should be able to handle it alone. Men tend to share about what they do, rather than what they feel. The need to maintain a self-sufficient posture often keeps fathers away from meetings, peer sharing, and professional help.
Understanding the male conditioning and the impact it has on the grief process is very important for moms and dads alike.

The suggestions to help grieving dads, aren’t much different from those that we as moms often hear and find helpful:

• Give yourself permission to grieve


• Learn to cry again


• Talk to your family, explaining that you don’t always grieve the way they do


• Take time for yourself


• Direct your anger at things, not people


• Talk to other bereaved fathers


• Dads should be encouraged to join a support group especialy one for men only


• Do some daily exercises


• Don’t hesitate to seek professional help

As Father's Day approaches, know that grieving dads are also hurting and often bracing themselves as we do when Mother's Day approaches.. Yes, no matter how long ago their child died, the age of their child or circumstances of their childs death - once a dad, always a dad and they deserve the same recognition and encouragement that we also needed - and for sure, a hug can certainly go a long way to help heal their broken heart...

What is grieving?

~ by Cherie Houston

Sadly, those of us who have lost children all know that the death of a child is a particularly difficult kind of grief. No parent ever expects their child to die before them. It is out of the natural order of things and it is something that we all agree, should never have happened. But it does happen…
To me, it seems that it’s our own personal previous experiences of loss and grief, which affects the way we grieve for our own child. Whether our child died before they were born, or when they were an infant, young child or young adult, or a much older adult child – age doesn’t matter. We all should remember though that grief is natural and it is our own unique way of expressing how we feel and cope with losing someone who was and is so important in our life. It's OK and it's NORMAL!!!

Some people think that you can only grieve for a child who has been born alive and one that you have got to know, if only for a short while – how totally ridiculous and untrue.. As a parent, we don’t begin to love our children once they enter the world – I think we begin that relationship and that love for them as soon as we know or expect that we are expecting (even if that expecting is through adoption!)… Because of this, grief is every bit as real for those parents whose children die before or shortly after they are born..

By the same token, even though our child that died might have children or even grandchildren of their own, it doesn’t mean that their death will be less devastating to us, their parents. Yes - grieving is different for each of us, but the age and circumstance of our children’s deaths doesn’t matter – they are our children, now they are gone and we have to go on living without them physically here with us. So we grieve..
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Each of us will grieve in our own way, at our own pace.

Grieving means accepting the reality of what has happened and learning to live with the change that has taken place in our lives and readjusting our dreams for the future. And this acceptance happens slowly...

Grieving isn't about forgetting our child who has died, it simply means we have to find a place for our child in our life and in our hearts. We find a way to remember our child, without losing our breath or feeling that seemingly unbearable heartbreaking pain that we felt when our child first died.

We know, that despite popular beliefs about grieving, that time alone does not heal. We’ve learned, that it is only through this journey of grieving that we begin to work through the terrible heartbreaking pain. For some parents, the loss of a baby or child years ago was not seen as a significant loss and for these parents, their grief may only be acknowledged years later when they least expect it.

It serves no purpose whatsoever to compare or judge the intensity of feelings involved in anyone else’s grief. We have to remember, that we are each different and our journey through grief will be different also ~ but we can and will survive ~ and how blessed we were to have had our children in our lives and for that we can and should be thankful…

MYTHS AND FACTS ABOUT GRIEF

MYTH: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it.

FACT: Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.

MYTH: It’s important to be “be strong” in the face of loss.

FACT: Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. You don’t need to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings can help them and you.

MYTH: If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss.

FACT: Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one. Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it.

MYTH: Grief should last about a year.

FACT: There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving. How long it takes can and will differ from person to person.

Source: Center for Grief and Healing - http://www.griefandhealing.org/