Holiday Lights

I wish I could remember how and when I received this, but I don't..  But I hope you will find the message helpful as we muddle our way through what can be a very difficult month - December when we celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas.. so I want to thank the authors and hope that they won't mind my sharing it with you... as together we find our own way to find peace amongst our memories this month...Cherie Houston

Holiday Lights, written by Bettye and Sam Rosenberg, TCF, Louisville, KY

During the holiday season, both Christians and Jews light  candles in celebration of their respective faiths, and as they do so, even the darkest of rooms become warm and bright from the glow of the candle. Then, we can ask ourselves how powerful and sinister can the darkness be if it can be overcome by the light of one little candle?

There is then a message in this for all of us. When the darkness seems to overwhelm us, and it can be a mental and spiritual darkness as well as the darkness of winter night, we need to be reminded that it is powerless to withstand the smallest bit of illumination.

So, as the world grows colder and darker during these winter months, we as Compassionate Friends must do what people of many faiths have been taught to do at this season. 

Light a candle in someone’s life to make the darkness and fears flee. A little bit of light is all that most of us need, but, oh, we need that little bit so badly.

So, let us all extend a candle of light and hope not only to each other, but to the unfortunate people who, for whatever reason, become one of us this winter and will be in need of that light. It’s the least we can do and it accomplishes so much.

TOGETHER WE CAN MAKE IT.

Thanksgiving Prayer

On this Thanksgiving Day, I just want to take a moment to wish you and yours a peace filled Thanksgiving holiday.  I believe that our children are smiling down on each of us, thankful and proud that we are their moms, and that we continue to carry them with us into the future - yes, they are our children and always will be and for that I feel blessed and thankful..Cherie Houston

Lovingly shared from TCF - Written by Charlotte Irick TCF, Idaho Falls, ID

I'm thankful this Thanksgiving

That my grief is not so new.

Last year it was so painful to

Think of losing you.

Death can't claim my love for you

Tho we are far apart,

Sweet memories will always be

Engraved upon my heart.

Time can never bring you back

But it can help me be

Thankful for the years of joy

You brought our family.

To all the parents with grief so new

I share your loss and sorrow

I pray you find with faith and time

The blessings of each Tomorrow.

Finding reasons for thanks, at Thanksgiving, is difficult

For those of you who are experiencing your first or second Thanksgiving later this week without your children or grandchildren, know that during Thanksgiving dinner when everyone proclaims what they are thankful for, your heart will probably skip a beat, and tears may well in your eyes and in your heart you might think, how can I be thankful - my child is dead...  But also know that in time, despite the horrific pain you feel now, there will come a time when you will be so grateful for every moment you had with your child or grandchild... even for mom's who never got to hold their babies, in time even they are grateful..

There is a blog that I visit often (www.grievingparent.com) This blog is written by a dad who lost his young 22 year old son Richard on May 25, 2009, just a few months before my own son Bobby died on September 19th 2009.

I found the blog within weeks of Bobby's death and I continue to visit the blog often  and still gives me tremendous comfort; probably because so much of what Joe Mudd writes, is what I am feeling so that helps me to know I'm not alone, it's OK, I'm normal, I am not going crazy.

Surprising isn't it, that many around us who fortunately are not part of this "unique group"; seem to believe that once the first year of grieving is over, then of course; we will be "better"; we will have "moved on", but those of us who are part of this "unique group" - we know too well that this "new normal" is not something we get over, get better from or move beyond; it is simply a pain that gets a little softer and that we learn to live with..

Instead I imagine that, like Richard's dad, most of us are very grateful; thankful that we had our children, no matter how short their time and yes, this unbearable pain, is worth whatever length of time we had them...

This is the post that Richard's dad wrote in 2009 on his blog about his son.. sentiments I think so many of us share - so as you prepare for Thanksgiving without your beloved children, it is OK to be thankful for all that they gave us and for all that we have now.... Cherie Houston

by Joe Mudd on November 26, 2009, Joe is a dad who writes a blog about his son Richard, who passed away on May 25, 2009 - Joe's blog, which has truly become a favorite of mine is: " www.grievingparent.com; Stop by and visit sometime...

It’s Thanksgiving Day 2009 here in the USA. Time to give thanks to our maker for all the good things he has given us. It has also been six months since our son Richard, who was only 22, died on May 25th of this year.

So you probably think we won’t find anything to be thankful for. After all it’s hard to be thankful for grief, pain and a huge part of our life missing. It takes more work to find it, but yes, there is much to be thankful for.

I’m grateful for my great family and friends. All the love and support they’ve given us has been pulling us through this process. It still hurts, but I can’t image what it would be like without them.

I’m grateful to have my beautiful daughter and the grand-dog home with us for this holiday. She’s a very special young lady.

I give thanks everyday for the wonderful memories. They make us realize how much we’ve lost, but they remind us of what we had. And it was special.

And this one may make you think I’ve gone completely off the deep end. I’m thankful this hurts so very much. No, I don’t enjoy the pain. It’s nearly unbearable. But this pain is so intense because we had so much love and fun with Richard. He was a treat. We had a special relationship his whole life. I wouldn’t change much.

Of course there are some things I’d like to have been able to do. Richard did shot put and discus in high school. Because I work second shift I wasn’t able to be at all those week night contests. I would love to have been there for everyone.

And I missed most of his weekend camping trips with his Scout Troop because I had to work most weekends. But those weekend work days made it possible to send him to a great high school. He loved St X, and the teachers and programs helped make Richard into the fine young man he became. So I owe them my gratitude too. And his Scout Leaders led him to Eagle Scout. More to be thankful for. But we still had a lot of fun together. He never became the surly disrespectful person so many teens turn into.

I’m grateful we had our kids. They taught me what love is all about. They made me a totally different – and much improved – person than what I was so many years ago. And Richard was a huge part of that.

So yes, finding reasons for thanks is a hard thing. It takes work.

About a year before Richard’s death, an employee of one of our on-site vendors lost his entire family in an auto accident. His wife and three kids gone. My friend Kathy, who hasn’t had children yet, asked me, “If you knew you would lose them early like that, would it be worth so much pain? Would you still want to have them?” I told her I thought I would, but because I’d never had to face that kind of pain and couldn’t really imagine what it must be like, I didn’t know for sure.

I now live that pain. I know the answer. Yes I’d gladly have him again.  He was worth it.

A Forgiving & Peace Filled Thanksgiving

For the last few months I've been trying to think of what I would say about Thanksgiving this year. Yes, Thanksgiving is next week and as each us prepares for the holidays without our beloved child or children, for some it will be our first Thanksgiving and for others it will be our second, fifth or thirtieth - the number of years doesn't matter.

Yes there is no doubt, the holidays are difficult, but remember, the anticipation is usually more difficult than the day itself.. For our family, it will be our fifth Thanksgiving and Christmas Holiday season without our 36 year old son Bobby and more than 40 years for both of my daughters, Randee Marie & Robin Marie who died in 1971 & 1972..  No matter how much time has passed since their deaths, the ache remains, a all of the “if only’s”  resurface, but what has changed over time, is that I find myself smiling a bit more than crying when the memories flood back!!!

I originally shared this article with all of you back in November 2010, the 2^nd holiday after Bobby died…  It was written in 2006 by a dad who is a member of the Bereaved Parents group in Northern Texas, I thought it's perfect to help me and maybe others who might not understand why others around us can't feel our pain. I hope it helps you, as it has me, to gain some insight about forgiving those around us who may not understand our heartbreak and sadness and may they never know this hurt.   So as we all we all prepare for this holiday season, forgive those who don’t understand and may we all find peace as we remember and offer thanks for our beloved children and all the joy they gave us..Cherie Houston

~ Written by Jim Hobbs, BP/USA of Northern Texas from “Where Are All The Butterflies”

Thanksgiving was always an easy holiday. Unlike Christmas, there was no pressure of giving just the right gift! Thanksgiving Day brought family gatherings and good food. Late on those afternoons, we would return home full from over-eating and satisfied that our family relationships were intact. It was also a day that reminded us of everything for which we were thankful. We are supposed to be thankful for our health, our families, our comfortable life, etc.

The death of a child changes our perceptions, however. When the family now gathers around the Thanksgiving table, I now see a missing plate that no one else sees. When our nieces and nephews are laughing or crying, I hear a voice that no one else hears. When a family member recounts a story about something his or her child did last week, I wish for a story to tell. (Of course, when I say no one else, I exclude my wife and daughter. I’m sure that they see, hear and wish what I do, although probably at different times. We still have much to be thankful for, we bereaved parents, and we should remember that.

But now Thanksgiving Day has an additional observance for us too, doesn’t it? It is a day of forgiveness also. We must forgive others who cannot and do not acknowledge our missing child, for whatever reasons. If family and friends cannot understand us, then we must exhibit tolerance, forgiveness and understanding. On a day on which we offer thanks, we can and will climb another step on our ladder to recovery. I hope you have a forgiving Thanksgiving.

Halloween - The dreaded holiday season is about to begin

There is no doubt that from Halloween until after the New Year, many of us who are grieving can be totally overwhelmed with emotions... even if it's been quite some time since your child died, the memories or lack of them) can haunt us and bring us back to that painful place we try so hard to move from...  

During the next  11-12 weeks we will try to share articles & experiences (some of which we've published in the past) that might help each of us prepare for and get through this difficult time..  Know that you will get through it, but being prepared can help ease your heartache and hopefully find a little...Cherie Houston.

THAT TIME OF YEAR - By Mary Cleckley -BP/USA Member at Large

It’s Halloween time again. Is that thought bothering you? It probably is, particularly if you had a little one who would have been out doing a little tricking and getting a lot of treating that night.

Or, maybe your child was too small or didn’t live to see even one Halloween. That hurts too, doesn’t it?

Sometimes we grieve for what was and sometimes we grieve for what could have been.

Maybe, like me, your child was too old for conning neighbors into treats, but it still is a hard night in the beginning. All special days and nights are. If you have small children who need

to be a part of this special night, maybe a family member or a good friend will accompany them on their appointed rounds. They’ll enjoy the evening just as much and you can

“treat” yourself by choosing to stop the world and got off for a little while. 

If you have no children at home, this may be a good time to close up shop for that one night. Take in a movie – or stay at home and give no inviting signs that say you want to participate in the festivities of the evening.

Do what is comfortable for you. One day you will be able to enjoy treating the little ones again. This just may not be the year. Isn’t it good to know our needs and abilities change as time goes by?

From Halloween until after the new arrives, know and accept that this time of year can be overwhelming, especially the first few years after your child has died, no matter their age.  Go easy on yourself and try to be patient with others - remember those around us mean well as they “encourage” us to participate during the holiday season, but remember you need to do what is right for you and those who love you will understand…

Will it ever be the same again?

Sorry, but it can never be the same again...   (author unknown)

When a child of ours has died, or any one else whom we love for that matter, we hope and even pray that things will somehow be the same…that our life – our family – will get back to “normal”  As time goes on, we realize that “it will never be the same.”  We will always miss our loved one who has died.  At special holidays and family gatherings, there is always one person missing.  Some family members and friends assume that we are back to normal.  They just do not understand.

Once the horrific initial shock and sense of total denial of the initial few months begin to pass, the enormous and sad reality begins to become clear and for most of us, that is the time that seems the most difficult.  Our grief seems unbearable and we wonder if our heartache and sorrow is our new reality.  But life does go on and we don’t have a choice – we will and must go through this. 

What seems to complicate our grief is that once a few months have passed, many of those around us – our friend, co-workers and even family members, feel we are “getting better” and “moving on” but we know that’s so far from the truth – we are simply surviving and existing or when we don’t “get over it quickly enough” many people who we assumed would be there for us, pull away out f their own frustration of no knowing how and what to do to help us.  This is so common.  It is believed that this can be attributed in part to a general lack of knowledge of what grief is, leading to unrealistic expectations being placed on those who are grieving.  Sometimes it is helpful to communicate about our loss with someone new, since some old friends often just want us to return to our old selves again, which is unrealistic on their part.

So many times during the first year of mourning, especially following the holidays or anniversary of the death, those around us, as well as those of us who are grieving, may expect that everything will finally be OK and get better…  Be careful not to expect too much; because if and when things don’t magically “get better” many become discouraged.  

There is and never will be a timetable for grief – it is different for each and every person on this journey and different for each and every time the journey is made…  So be gentle with yourself and those around you..  It’s best not to have unrealistic expectations and remind yourself over and over again, there is no timetable for grief.. 

A Grieving Fathers Prayer

As so many celebrate Father's Day today, please remember those dads & grandfathers with angel children & grandchildren, who are on the same grief journey and share that  same sense of loss that we felt on Mother's Day.. how well they too know that never ending heartache that time can't erase..  Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers and if you see them today, give them a special hug and remind that you remember them and their child and their pain and pray that they find peace and joy in their child/children's memories..

A Grieving Father’s Prayer

~ written by Laura/Heavenly Lights Children’s Memorial ~ www.heavenlylights.homestead.com

 Our Father… Who art in heaven…

I come to you with a heavy heart today…

I know you know… but I have lost my child…

And am feeling like I lost my way.

People seem to think I am so strong…

I am not invincible…I am not superman…

I am just a grieving father… missing my child

And could use a friendly helping hand.

I have always been the fixer-upper type of dad…

I could fix anything…ever since I was ten…

But I cannot fix the clock of time…

But, Please God, can you help me wind it up again?

Please bless all the grieving fathers…

Each hour throughout this day…

With the strength to keep moving ahead…

Even one baby step at a time…would be okay.

Please bless all grieving fathers…

Each day throughout this week…

And guide them on their journey of grief…

As the meaning of life they do seek.

Please bless all grieving fathers…

Each week this whole month through…

With memories to last a lifetime…

And understanding friends to turn to.

Please bless all grieving fathers

Each month throughout this year…

With hugs to comfort…in our time of need

And people to realize our grief doesn’t disappear.

Please bless all grieving fathers…

Each year until the end of time…

With faith in You…to see us through

From sunrise to sunset…for our whole lifetime.

Please God Bless all grieving fathers…

Each day throughout this year…

As seasons change…

And time unfolds…

Day by day…

Month by month…

Year by year…

And especially today…on this Father’s Day.

Amen

Valentines Day Can Be A Very Painful Holiday

Thanks to Susan Triton, Shepherdstown, Indiana for sharing this article with us for our blog... she received it a few weeks ago from a family member who knew that she was still having a terrible time  coping with the sudden tragic death of her 9 year old son Colin, last summer 2012...Each and every holiday for her seems to be worse than the last.  Susan also said that this and other similar articles and blogs like ours help to remind her that her pain and grief are normal and that it's OK to feel as she does.  Furthermore, they ease her fear that she will remain in this valley of death forever..  I've assured her she won't-none of us stay in that valley forever and in time, she will find peace and she will smile again as she remembers Colin, but it takes time - lots of time... Keep her in your prayers... Cherie Houston

Valentine's Day Can Be A Very Painful Holiday.....

Most of us who are grieving brace ourselves for the traditional Holiday Season, which begins at Halloween, continues through Thanksgiving, crests with Christmas and Hanukkah, and ends with New Year’s Eve. While the Season can be wonderful for many, it can be a very difficult time for those who are grieving the recent death of someone important to them, such as a child, spouse or parent.

You might erroneously think that once the new year has passed, grievers will have some relief from the constant reminders that someone they love is no longer alive. But by early January, the marketing machine revs up for the next cycle of cards and gifts—to usher in Valentine’s Day.

Every flower shop, card store, jewelry store, candy store, drug store, and supermarket decorates its shelves and aisles with the traditional pink and red hearts and clever Cupid images to compel us to celebrate our romantic love with our significant others and the magic of love with our children..

For anyone who has lost a loved one - a spouse, child, parent or anyone close to us, this can be one of the most painful of all holidays. The romantic arrows from Cupid’s bow, now become painful darts that hit us in our emotional center - reminding of us of lost loves... 

After all, most of us begin the Valentine traditions in pre-school, when we begin making Valentine’s cards for friends and family. As we get older, we shift our focus from family and friends to romantic attachments. By the time we are courting, dating, creating long-term relationships and bringing children into this world, Valentine’s Day becomes the day we use to declare or reaffirm our bonds of love.

As our relationships blossom and grow, the annual celebration of Valentine’s day—along with anniversary date—becomes the most personal and special loving tradition. And as with the cards, flowers and candies, the image of the heart is always used to symbolize that love.

When someone we love dies, our emotional heart is broken. The heart—the very symbol of the Valentine’s Day celebration—is the aspect of our being that is most damaged by the death of a child or spouse.

Compounding the heartache is the fact that there is very little societal awareness of the pain being experienced by those who are dealing with the death of a child or spouse that first Valentine’s Day after their child or spouse has died. Even surrounded by family and friends, they may feel isolated, alone, and as if no one understands. And those feelings can extend long past the first few years.

"Grief is the feeling of reaching out for someone whom you thought would always be there, sharing the future with you, only to discover when you least expect it, they are no longer there.”  

Grief is the normal and natural immediate reaction when someone we love dies, especially a child or spouse. The range of emotions that encompass grief is very wide, and is not limited to sadness. The feelings are a reflection of the many different aspects of the relationship and even the circumstances of their deaths.

That range of feelings is also the normal and natural reaction when you are reminded that someone who has been such a big part of your life is gone, even if the reminder is months or years after they have died.  Some special days and some events are powerful reminders of the fact that someone very important is missing from our life. Valentine’s Day, like birthdays and anniversaries, is one of those very special days, which can create an immense amount of painful emotional energy.

Unfortunately, when a grieving parent or spouse talks about their sadness and other feelings, they are often met with comments like, “Don’t feel sad, you should feel grateful for the time you had.” It is probably accurate to say that one of the feelings a grieving parent or spouse might have is gratitude. But gratitude is unlikely to be the most dominant feeling at holiday events. Sadness, loneliness, and confusion are more likely to be the emotions that well up in a grieving person on special occasion holidays, especially the first of each of those events following the death.

Grieving parents and spouses also hear the incorrect idea that we all learn from an early age, that “Time heals all wounds,” or “Grief just takes time.” Believing that to be true, the griever waits to feel better. But time is neutral. Time, of itself, does not do anything except pass and many parents and widows/widowers who are grieving say that over time their pain seems to get worse.

It is accurate to say that grieving people are not broken, and do not need to be fixed. To a great extent, what they need is for someone to listen to them, without judgment, analysis, or criticism.   It is also realistic to say that grieving people are left with some unfinished emotional business.

Even when the best of relationships is ended by death, those left behind discover things they wish had been different, better, or more; and are painfully aware of unrealized hopes, dreams, and expectations about the future.

It has been said that Grief and loss are the price to be paid for loving someone..and the more we love the stronger that sense of grief and loss..   

Valentines Day-The Holiday of Love

I don't know who wrote this or how I received it, but I thought it was appropriate with Valentines Day just around the corner.. Cherie Houston

Valentine’s day, a day of remembering our loved ones with small gifts and great feelings.

When your child was living, did you often remember him or her on Valentine’s Day with a card or a balloon, perhaps a gift of candy or something special that was wanted?  So, why stop that tradition?

Remember your child with love on this special day.  A single rose left at a grave; a special photo in a nice frame to sit on the mantle.  These are ideas from  an article in an old magazine.  It seems like a pretty good idea too!  What a better way to celebrate the Holiday of Love, than by enjoying fond memories of your child or children.

For some of us, remembering our child is something we need to do privately - without fanfare.. 

 

For others, it's helpful to outwardly remember our child with family and friends on days such as these...  You might find it helpful to make your child's favorite dinner for the rest of the family, or to have special photos scattered around the table to share memories about your child who is gone...  

 

For some of us it is very important, that when we show those of our living family how much they are loved, that we feel the need to also show how much we remember those who are no longer with us...  

Remember-there is never a right or wrong way to grieve and celebrate our children's lives, we each need to do what works for us..and for our families.  Just because our hearts are broken, we don’t need to ignore the “Holiday of Love” or any holiday for that matter..

We wish you love and peace during this month of love...and always 

I Will Be There Mom..

I WILL BE THERE

~ By Sharon J. Bryant

Mom, tomorrow I will be there
Though you may not see
I'll smile and remember
The last Christmas, with you and me

Don't be sad mom
I'm never far away
Your heart has hidden sight
My memory will always stay

I watched as you touched the ornaments
Sometimes a tear was shed as you did
I touched you gently on your shoulder
And on tiptoes I proudly stood

I'm only gone for a little while mom
I'm waiting for the day to be
When God calls out your name mom
We'll be together, just you wait and see

But until that time comes
Carry on as you did when I was there
I tell the angels how much I love you
There are angels here everywhere!

I stand behind you some days
When I know that you are sad
I want you to be happy mom
It would make my heart so glad

So on this Christmas Eve, Mom
Think of me as I will be thinking of you
And touch that special ornament
That I once made for you

I love you mom and dad, also
I know you know I do
And I'll be waiting here for you
When your earthly life is through

Love, Your child in Heaven

We wish you peace this season...

Hanukkah is almost over and Christmas is less than two weeks away - and whether we like it or not - the season of holidays will occur, no matter how we feel or how much our hearts are broken....

There is no doubt - the death of our children changes us forever and no matter what you've read or been told, I believe that our grieving for them will last until we join them.

But, despite our heartache, life does go on, with or without us, and for those left behind ~ our other children and family members, and ourselves & it would be even sadder for us not to find joy and peace again.

It's okay and normal to feel as we do as we grieve (and we all know the way we feel changes in a blink of any eye on this journey from mourning to joy), but between those moments of overwhelming sadness, keep a watchful eye out for that little flicker of peace and joy, that if you welcome and allow it, it will continue to grow; I wish you can find a little peace this holiday season and know and believe that joy is possible again, how could it not be..

We were blessed and given the wonderful privilege of having these children in our lives – be it for the days and weeks when we carried them, or the few moments, days or months after their birth, or for those of us who were blessed to have them for years (even though no matter how many-we all feel it was too few) until their deaths; what incredible gifts we received from them.

So from one grieving heart to another, and in memory and celebration of our children who are no longer with us in body; I wish that we all will find peace, joy and happiness again in all that surrounds us and our families, this holiday season and know without doubt that they are with us in spirit.. 

From  Cherie Houston, Joyce Floyd and all the moms who are on this Journey from Mourning to Joy...

The Holiday Army

~ by Andrea Gambill

Here it comes again — the Holiday Army — in its annual march against us. Some of its generals are called "Thanksgiving," "Christmas," "Hanukah," "New Year’s Eve" and "New Year’s Day." They are no respecters of the heartbroken and emotionally wounded, and their troops are merciless. They take no prisoners! They demand that we participate in their joy and nostalgia or they will mow us down with their militant tanks of holiday spirit.

Actually, we wish them well. All we really want is for them to leave us alone and let us mourn in peace and quiet. We prefer our “Silent Nights” to their “Deck the Halls” and Jingle Bells.” We don’t intentionally spoil their fun, it’s just that our pain makes them uncomfortable. They’ve been conditioned to believe that “The Holiday Season” should have no blemish of suffering or lack of frivolity. We must not only bandage our wounds while in their presence, but cover them with taffeta and sequins besides. They are convinced that all we need is to “put on a happy face” and all our sorrows will magically evaporate.

In their mad pursuit of happiness, they shoot us with the bullets of shopping, piped-in music, special holiday foods and fragrances, gift wrapping, decorations (especially the angels!), joyous children with happy smiles, cards, invitations, parties and gift exchanges. Any other time of the year, snow is considered a nuisance to shovel and plow through. At the holiday season, though, it is touted as romantic and is linked to sleighs and starry nights in front of fireplaces, snuggled close to those we love.

The most devastating bombs they drop into our lives are the images of reunion — times of greeting and hugging folks who are much loved and sometimes not often seen for awhile. They may only be separated by geography; our absent loved ones cannot cross the chasm of loss that looms before our tear-filled eyes. They remind us of things we should be thankful for (and we are more thankful for many of those things than they can ever imagine). They prod us with their spears of delightful togetherness, never realizing that what they celebrate is what we cannot now enjoy. We would not dream of attacking them in these battles for holiday survival. With our noses pressed against the glass that divides us, we actually long to be able to be part of their happiness. We remember the times we joined in their fun and we, too, were part of their army of nostalgia and joy.

Our broken hearts and bleeding wounds do not excuse us from being gracious, however. While grief does not give us permission to be rude and selfish, and we take no overt action against their aggression, we are not without defenses in these battles. We can shield ourselves with the armor of dignity with kind but direct and simple explanations: “We understand your need for celebration, but this year we prefer quiet and private reflection and meditation.” “Right now it’s hard for us to function in large groups and to appreciate laughter and high spirits.” “Our energy is so limited; we’d appreciate some quiet one-on-one time with you in a more spiritual atmosphere.”

We can gently remind them of how important it is for us to remember those we love who are gone. These are statements that clarify our position without judging or criticizing them for theirs. In kind and non-threatening ways, we need to tell them what’s good for us, because they won’t think of it on their own, and they can use the education.

We also can exercise the muscles of our sense of humor. It will take some effort on our part, but so does anything that is worthwhile and good for us. We can teach ourselves not to fall into the trap of thinking that our grief makes us the center of the universe. We can limit our demands that others treat us in “special” and “deferential” ways because of our pain. We can cut them a little slack and remember that once upon a time, we were just like they are now. It’s good and healthy for us to review our perspectives now and then and decide if we’re being fair and reasonable.

We can express our love in simple and unhurried ways without all the frenetic, expensive and often hysterical hype that the holidays can generate. And we must exercise the expression of our love. Grief does not rob us of our ability to love; it reminds us ever more dramatically of our need to both give and receive love while we are here.

Whenever we can take some control in our situations, we empower ourselves, and then we feel less like victims in what seems like a war of “peace on earth, goodwill toward men.” Anytime we can educate and inform with mercy and compassion, we have given a truly spiritual holiday gift of love that will keep on giving forever.

May your season be filled with genuine blessings of peace.

The holidays will never be the same, but....

~ Excert from Susan Apollon’s book, Touched by the Extraordinary, Book Two: Healing Stories of Love, Loss & Hope

"The holidays will never be the same again," she says. "That is true. But life is change, by its very nature. Little by little you will form a new identity and learn to connect with your lost loved one in a different way. You'll form new memories and new traditions. Grieving well can lead to spiritual growth, which means that life itself can become richer and fuller after a profound loss. You'll never forget the person you lost, but you will find joy—even holiday joy—again."

Realize that miracles really do happen at the holidays. Here's the thing about the holidays, says Apollon. They really are magic. You knew this as a child but may have forgotten it. But spiritual occasions like holidays allow us to step outside the box we live in most of the time and let miracles in.

"Paradoxical as it sounds, grief and holidays are a lot alike," she reflects. "They both help us detach from trivial things and focus on what's important, what's real. Open your mind and heart this year and see what happens. Maybe you'll feel a sense of connection with your loved one who passed on, or maybe you'll feel joy for the first time since your loss. Either one might qualify as a miracle."

"It's healthier to feel the sadness and loss than to detach yourself from it," she says. "It's right and normal to grieve; just don't make it the dominant part of who you are."

Remember, says Apollon, the holidays won't always be such a struggle. If you work through your grief instead of repressing it, you'll find joy again.

I Will Be There (Tomorrow) Mom...

In the past I've posted this poem the day before Christmas - Christmas Eve.  But I know myself, I need to be reminded of this throughout the month of December and quite honestly throughout the entire holiday season from Halloween until after New Year's Day...

So, I want to share this with you early this year on the night before Hanukkah because it applies to all moms, no matter your religious persuasion, ( I'll post it again Christmas Eve), in the hopes that it will remind you, as it does me, that your child(or children) are with you - maybe not in body as we'd wish, but with us nonetheless...  I pray this helps to give you a little more strength and peace this holiday season - Lots of hugs and love.... Cherie Houston

I WILL BE THERE

Sharon J. Bryant

Mom, tomorrow I will be there
Though you may not see
I'll smile and remember
The last Christmas, with you and me

Don't be sad mom
I'm never far away
Your heart has hidden sight
My memory will always stay

I watched as you touched the ornaments
Sometimes a tear was shed as you did
I touched you gently on your shoulder
And on tiptoes I proudly stood

I'm only gone for a little while mom
I'm waiting for the day to be
When God calls out your name mom
We'll be together, just you wait and see

But until that time comes
Carry on as you did when I was there
I tell the angels how much I love you
There are angels here everywhere!

I stand behind you some days
When I know that you are sad
I want you to be happy mom
It would make my heart so glad

So on this Christmas Eve, Mom
Think of me as I will be thinking of you
And touch that special ornament
That I once made for you

I love you mom and dad, also
I know you know I do
And I'll be waiting here for you
When your earthly life is through

Love, Your child in Heaven

The Griever’s Holiday Bill of Rights

Thank you to Saundra Freemond from Santa Monica, CA for sending this to me when I first began our blog 3 years ago - my son Bobby had just died and I remember wondering if it would be politically correct to send this to everyone I knew, so they would understand me and that I wasn't going crazy or just being obstinate or feeling sorry myself (even though I felt as though I was all those things and sometimes still feel that way)... but I wanted people around me to just understand my heart was totally broken and I was finding it hard to breath and put one foot in front of the other and I didn't know today how I would feel or react to any given situation tomorrow... so I hope you will appreciate this as much as I always have-I have a copy of it in my holiday folder and as I begin to prepare for the holidays it's right on top, so it reminds me that it is OK to still feel as I do...and those who love me just have to understand (and if not-I'm sorry) - Lots of Love and we hope that our postings these next few weeks will help you on this month of difficult challenges on your journey..  Cherie Houston

The Grierves Holiday Bill of Rights by Bruce H. Conely 

You have the right to say, ‘TIME OUT!”,  anytime you need to.  Time out to let up; blow off a little steam; step away from the bustle of events;  have a “huddle” and start over.

You have a right to TELL IT LIKE IT IS.    When people ask, “How are you…?”, you have the right to tell them how you really feel, not just what they want to hear.  You also have a right to say, “I’m fine”, because the choice is yours.

You have the right to some, “BAH HUMBUG” DAYS.  You don’t have to put on a “happy face” for the benefit of others.  You are not a bad person because you don’t feel like smiling and cheering up others all day long.  Accept your limitations, don’t be afraid to ask for and accept help.

You have the right to DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY.   There is no law that says you must always celebrate a special day in the same way.  You can send fewer cards, or no cards at all!  You can open gifts at someone else’s house.  You can put up special decorations or leave them in the box this year or have pizza instead of that traditional dinner.  The list is endless.

You have the right to BE WHERE YOU WANT TO BE.  Be at home or with friends; in any city or state you choose or have dinner at a restaurant instead of in the traditional place.  Feel free to make changes or observe that special day in the usual way.

You have a right to SOME FUN!  When you have a day that isn’t so bad and you feel like doing something just for fun, then do it!  Don’t be afraid of what other people will say if they see you laughing and having a good time.  Laughter is every bit as important, and healing, as tears!

You have a right to CHANGE DIRECTION IN MIDSTREAM.  Grief is unpredictable.  You may be all ready to go somewhere or do something and suddenly feel overwhelmed.  When that happens, it’s okay to change your mind.  There are plenty of times in life to be predictable, so exercise your right to change your mind when you need to.

You have a right to DO THINGS AT DIFFERENT TIMES.  Worship at a different service time or even at a different church/synagogue.

        Open special gifts at a different time or place.

        Serve your meal at a different hour.

        Give up and go to bed at a different time.

        Don’t be a slave to tradition’s clock!

You have a right to REST, PEACE AND SOLITUDE.  You don’t need to be busy all of the time.  Take a nap whenever you need one.  Take time to pray and to meditate, to recharge your spirit.  It may do you much more good than eating another huge meal.

You have the right TO DO IT ALL DIFFERENT NEXT TIME.  Just because you change things one year, doesn’t mean you have written it in stone.  Next year you can change it back or do it in yet another way.                                                                                              

Holidays of Sadness

~ by Brigitte Synesael

When you have lost someone very dear to you, the most difficult obstacle to cross is getting through the holidays. Surviving the days where everyone around you is celebrating and spreading good cheer, while your mind is filled with memories and your heart is heavy with loneliness. It’s difficult just making it through what used to be the happiest days that were once shared with our child or loved one, and today carries only emptiness. The greatest challenge is to remain in the company of others who love you, when you really want to be alone with your sadness.

It makes no difference whether the loss took place last week, several months ago, or even last year. The holidays always send those deep emotions flooding right to the surface.

Just as how you deal with grief is personal and individual, so is the way you handle the holidays. Remember to be true to yourself, and don’t take on too much responsibility. Let people know that your plans may be subject to change, and you can’t make long term commitments just yet. Be honest with yourself and with your friends and family about how you’re feeling.

Some people find it best to start new traditions, because the past ones hold memories too difficult to deal with. Talk with your family about setting expectations. Plan together any modifications you will all make to the “normal” holiday festivities. You may want to have a church service dedicated to the memory of your loved one. Or make an annual donation in his/her name. Perhaps join the Hospice Tree Lighting ceremony. Bring joy to another child by purchasing a special toy for the Angel Tree in memory of your child.

Be honest about how you’re feeling, but when ever possible, try to include a positive twist into your thoughts. Instead of : “I miss my ….. so much, there is no Christmas without him/her.”  TRY “I do miss my ……. Christmas will be different this year, but I will try to enjoy it.”  Instead of: “I HATE this time of year. I can’t wait until it’s over.”  TRY “This is a difficult time of year for me. But it does give me an opportunity to become closer to my family and friends.”

Some people heal best by helping others. Try volunteering at an organization who help people with a greater need than yours. i.e. A soup kitchen, a homeless shelter, orphanages, etc. Often the best therapy is helping others. Aside from the obvious benefits of keeping your mind occupied and seeing that there are others in worse situations than yourself, charity work gives you a tremendous feeling of fulfillment. It can give you a renewed sense of purpose, so important during times of sadness.

Above all else, give yourself permission to enjoy yourself, to laugh, and to find peace. Each of these things are part of healing. Your life will never be the same, but it will go on, and it can still be good. Close your eyes for just a moment ~ bring into the room with you the clearest image of the person that you have lost. Now say “I love you and I miss you. You will always be in my heart. I need to know... is it okay for me to be happy again?”

Now, imagine the answer that you receive. If you remember your loved one in their true light, I’m confident the answer will be YES.  Find peace over the holidays, and be good to you.

~ About the Author: Brigitte Synesael is recognized as an authority on Alternative Medicine Information. A published author, one of her latest releases is  "You've Got Nothing To Lose But POUNDS!" 

Preparing for the Holidays

~ by Kenneth J. Doka, PhD, MDiv, Sr. Consultant to HFA; Professor of Gerontology at the College of New Rochelle in New York.

“When we are in the midst of grief, the last thing we may want to think about is the holidays. We may have little desire to participate. We may simply refuse to make plans, wishing the holidays would quickly, if not painlessly, pass.”

     The holidays are tough when we are grieving a loss. Holidays are centering moments in our lives, full of memories. We remember the Thanksgiving the oven broke down, the Hanukkah or Christmas gifts we received. It is very easy for our longing for someone we miss to become intense.

     There are other reasons the holidays can be tough. We often see reminders everywhere:  the perfect gift or a holiday card addressed to the person who died. They are stressful and busy times. This stress is difficult to bear when coping with grief. We might feel so out of step with the season. Our sadness seems magnified against the joy of others. Finally, in the midst of winter, we may feel more isolated and alone, the deepening darkness a reflection of our inner being.

     That is why it is essential to plan. We need not spend a great deal of time thinking of holiday menus or planning the perfect gift or care. I am speaking of something more important – planning how to get through the holidays.

     The danger is drift. It is easy in the stressful times of the holidays to surrender our decision making to well-meaning others, like the sister-in-law who will not take no for an answer. The result is that we find ourselves drifting into activities that are tiring, painful, or that don’t meet our needs.

    The first thing we need to do is to choose. What activities do we really want to do? What activities do we need to do?  What doesn't need to be done this year? We might decide to not send cards or host a dinner.

     As for the activities we choose, we must find the best way to do them, consistent with our own needs. For example, if we decide to give gifts, we might consider how we wish to do this. Do we simply send a check, shop from the Internet or a catalog, or shop with a friend?

     With whom do we wish to spend the holidays? Who can be present with us as we grieve? Who will understand that we may not be our usual selves?

     Sometimes it is a choice not to make a choice. Grief is often a roller-coaster experience, full of ups and downs. Grace knew that. So she decided that she would keep her options open until that very morning. She knew she would spend some time with her in-laws, but would wait until that day to see where she was on that roller coaster before committing to a particular schedule. We need to remember to remain flexible. For Tom, he decided to take his own car so he could leave when he was ready, rather than be obligated to wait for others.

     We need, too, to recognize the individuality of grief. For some of us, the holidays are difficult and stressful. There may be others of us who welcome the diversion  and find comfort in the bustle of activity. Still others of us might find ourselves torn between both feelings. It is the range of reactions that makes our grief unique.

     Once we have made our choices, we should communicate those decisions to others. Part of that communication is listening to others. That may add a third “C” to our holiday plans – compromise.

     The holidays are approaching so we need to plan. But we may want to remember this recipe:

Choose, Communicate and Compromise

When my child has died - please.......

Thank you to Paula B. from Beverly, England for sharing this - every mom whose on this journey, understands these statements all too well...

When My Child Has Died

~author is unknown but she knows she was a woman

When my child has died, please… 

• Don’t ignore me because you are uncomfortable with the subject of death. It makes me wonder if what happened means nothing to you.

• Acknowledge my pain, even if you think it shouldn’t be as great as it is… (because I’ve ‘only’ lost a baby or one of four!)

• Losing a child is one of the most difficult experiences to face and the depth of my grief will shock even me as it returns in waves. A tremendous number of emotional and physical hurts will come my way – please don’t minimize them.

• Please be aware that holidays and anniversaries will be particularly difficult times.

• If you invite me for lunch or bring a meal around (and please do) in the midst of my grief, please expect to talk about my loss. It’s all I’m thinking about and I need to talk it out; small talk neither interests nor helps just now.

• Please don’t change the subject if I start to cry. Tears and talking about it are the healthiest way for me to release my intense emotions.

• Telling me that So-and-so’s situation must have been much worse won’t make mine easier. It only makes me feel you don’t understand or can’t acknowledge the extent of my pain.

• Don’t expect that because my child is in heaven or ‘with God’ I shouldn’t be hurting. Even the most fervent believer in God would rather have their child with them. My arms ache to hold my child and I miss him or her so much. And God might not be finding favor with me right now.

• Now is not the time to tell me about your own childbirth or child’s experiences… It reminds me in the most painful way of what I’m missing.

• Don’t remind me that I’m so lucky to have other children. I am and I know it. But my pain is excruciating for this child; the others don’t take that pain away. Indeed, they can add to it because I’ve got to comfort them as well.

• No matter how bad I look, please don’t say “You look terrible.” I feel like a total failure right now and I don’t need to hear that I look awful too.

• Don’t devalue my experience or my child – the feelings of deprivation are so intense. A child who has never breathed is nonetheless missed so if I’ve ‘only’ miscarried or my child was stillborn, don’t forget he/she was a very special, unique person.

• Please don’t suggest my child can be replaced by my having more. Would you say “Don’t worry, there are plenty more fish in the sea,” to someone who had just lost their husband?

• When you ask my husband how I’m doing – please don’t forget to ask him how he’s doing too. He has also lost his child. If you ignore his hurt it suggests that his pain doesn’t exist or doesn’t matter.