Halloween - The dreaded holiday season is about to begin

There is no doubt that from Halloween until after the New Year, many of us who are grieving can be totally overwhelmed with emotions... even if it's been quite some time since your child died, the memories or lack of them) can haunt us and bring us back to that painful place we try so hard to move from...  

During the next  11-12 weeks we will try to share articles & experiences (some of which we've published in the past) that might help each of us prepare for and get through this difficult time..  Know that you will get through it, but being prepared can help ease your heartache and hopefully find a little...Cherie Houston.

THAT TIME OF YEAR - By Mary Cleckley -BP/USA Member at Large

It’s Halloween time again. Is that thought bothering you? It probably is, particularly if you had a little one who would have been out doing a little tricking and getting a lot of treating that night.

Or, maybe your child was too small or didn’t live to see even one Halloween. That hurts too, doesn’t it?

Sometimes we grieve for what was and sometimes we grieve for what could have been.

Maybe, like me, your child was too old for conning neighbors into treats, but it still is a hard night in the beginning. All special days and nights are. If you have small children who need

to be a part of this special night, maybe a family member or a good friend will accompany them on their appointed rounds. They’ll enjoy the evening just as much and you can

“treat” yourself by choosing to stop the world and got off for a little while. 

If you have no children at home, this may be a good time to close up shop for that one night. Take in a movie – or stay at home and give no inviting signs that say you want to participate in the festivities of the evening.

Do what is comfortable for you. One day you will be able to enjoy treating the little ones again. This just may not be the year. Isn’t it good to know our needs and abilities change as time goes by?

From Halloween until after the new arrives, know and accept that this time of year can be overwhelming, especially the first few years after your child has died, no matter their age.  Go easy on yourself and try to be patient with others - remember those around us mean well as they “encourage” us to participate during the holiday season, but remember you need to do what is right for you and those who love you will understand…

Summertime

~ by Sascha Wagner, TCF, Siskiyou County, CA

It sounds so easy. A soft, warm word—-time to run barefoot, time to leave windows open all night.  Summertime. Somehow it seems, doesn't it, that it's especially meant for children. Children on beaches, children on swings, children in large pools, children in tiny tubs.

We who do not have all of our children with us may feel the summertime in two ways. 

One is to

remember shared events and adventures-there were so many. Long rides in a hot car, a nap in

the back seat. The famous question, "Are we there yet?" Everything from a heat rash to ice cream cones and sand castles.  

For us, another way to feel summertime is the special emptiness brought about by children who are no longer on this earth. They used to trot along on hikes in the hills; they used to gather wood for an evening fire. Now summer brings us again the melancholy awareness of their absence.

Have you ever walked on some unfamiliar path, surprised about not having been there with the

children? Even when there's nothing to remember, we are reminded of the children's absence.

We have been diminished by death. Some of us may still have living children. Other parents have no children left. They have lost an only child, perhaps. Or all of their children died. And here we are, grateful for the warmth of summer mornings, aware of the ripe beauty of nature, trying to deal with our children's absence with all the grace of which we are capable. Often we do not want to burden others with our grief. Or we may be convinced that others don't wish to share our distress.

We have learned, after all, that the world around us is not always able to understand how we feel. Besides, we were taught to be brave. Many of us will do everything we can to appear "normal" after our loss. But we were also taught to be honest. And when you feel the hurt, when you seem almost to be lost in the shadows of this golden summertime, don't hide your sorrow. The grief of your spirit can perhaps be kept a secret on the outside. Yet, your deepest feelings, unexpressed, can burn into your existence with harmful force.

You can be both brave and honest. You know that it's brave to share grief, be it old grief or new grief. And revealing that sorrow is also honest. Of course, nothing can wipe away much of your pain, but sharing grief is helpful. You will know that after you have expressed the painful sorrow you once kept hidden, and you find yourself, finally, smiling at the memories and the blessings of past summertimes.

Why Clichés Drive Us Crazy

Why Clichés Drive Us Crazy
~ by Erin Linn

Erin Linn is well known to members of the TCF community. Her first book, CHILDREN ARE NOT PAPER DOLLS, was written after the death of her six-year old son, Michael. Her growing interest in the bereavement of children resulted in the publication of her second book, I KNOW JUST HOW YOU FEEL, which addresses the topic of clichés and what people can say to a bereaved person.

In 1974 my six-year-old son Michael was hit by a car and died instantly. Before this tragic accident, I had no idea it was possible to hurt with such intensity. When others would speak of their losses, I really thought I understood. I would say things like "Time will heal" or "I know just how you feel." Then I would retreat into my own little world of security and thank God under my breath that it wasn’t me. I did hurt for these people, but it was so hard to relate to a level of pain that I, myself, had never experienced . . . .until Michael died.

Throughout our lives most of us spend some time being comforted or being in the comforter, being consoled or being the consoler. Both roles are painfully difficult and, at time, can be overwhelming. It is human nature to want to reach out and help those who are in pain. When we know of someone who is grieving, we offer words that we hope will both soothe and comfort. Unfortunately, our soothing words may be the most feared of all verbal weapons -- the cliché. By its very definition, a cliché -- a trite and commonplace expression -- is misused, misunderstood, or overworked.

How to approach the bereaved person is something that people have agonized over since the beginning of time. How often have we said or heard someone say, "What can I say to them?" How often has the bereaved person asked, "Why did they say that to me?"

Clichés are a manifestation of our innate inability to deal with a grieving person, and unfortunately, clichés are inevitable. If we analyze the problems with clichés, then, hopefully, we can learn how to defend ourselves against them. First of all, many clichés tend to focus on the future and do not deal with the real problem – the actual pain of the bereaved person at that very moment; For example, sayings such as "You’re young and you will be able to make a new life for yourself" or "There is no sense dwelling on the past" tend to discount the immediate pain of the bereaved person at a time when the future seems impossible to comprehend. When your child has died, you will feel stuck in "yesterday," and even getting through the existing day will seem to be a monumental task. "Tomorrow" is out of the question, and the future can seem light-years away.

Secondly, clichés too often express how the consoler thinks the bereaved person "should" feel, and usually this is in direct contradiction to how the bereaved person really feels. "You should be over this by now" is possibly one of the most offensive and destructive of all clichés, because it is usually said long before the full effect of the loss has even begun to sink in, and it causes bereaved people to think that there must be something terribly wrong with them if they are still grieving. It is a cruel quirk of fate that most grieving people are just beginning to realize the depth of their despair at the time when those around them presume that they are almost healed.

Another problem with clichés are that they try to give profound answers and easy solutions to overwhelming problems. How often have we heard it said, "Only the good die young." If this is true, then shouldn’t we all pray for death at birth? If it is true that "God never gives us more than we can handle," then why do people commit suicide or attempt to obliterate reality through drug abuse? "He is happy now for he is with God" could cause a severe knee-jerk reaction such as "Wasn’t he happy with me?"

Also, many clichés are true if taken at face value but are too difficult for the bereaved person to believe in the midst of his grief. "Time will heal" sounds so easy and it is usually true, but in the beginning it is hard for any bereaved person to believe that the unbearable pain will ever stop. "If you look around, you can always find someone who is worse off than yourself" is certainly true, but who wants to feast on the misfortune of others?

Last but not least, clichés can place expectations on a bereaved person that are impossible to meet. "You’ve got to get hold of yourself" sounds like good, sound advice but is obviously said by those who have never lost a child and have never experienced despair. William Shakespeare so aptly put it when he said, "Every man can handle grief but he who has it." "Big boys don’t cry" – will someone please tell me why big boys can’t cry? Where did this ridiculous cliché come from? Crying is therapeutic. The tears shed in sadness have a different chemical makeup from those shed in laughter or physical pain. Maybe this cliché would be more accurate if it read "Big boys don’t cry – if they are inhuman."

Now that we know how ridiculous and inadequate most clichés are, let’s explore why people say these things. In defense of the consolers, I truly believe that their intentions are honorable and they really want to help. What may appear as insensitive comments from friends and relatives can really be words of love – sometimes they are simply expressed in a clumsy awkward way. As bereaved person, try to keep in mind that the comforter is, also, searching for answers and ways to deal with these tragedies.

Our society suffers from a severe lack of death education. It has only been within the last fifteen years or so that we have begun seriously to research the bereaved person’s journey through grief. Death – not only ours but that of our loved ones – is the one thing (along with taxes and clichés) that we will all have to face at some point of our lives but is the last thing we want to read about, hear about, talk about, or learn about.

As a result, reactions to the grief-stricken are more well-intentioned than well-informed. Clichés have been accepted as comfort far too long. Consequently, we tend to fall back on things that are familiar and comfortable in times of stress, and these stale phrases tend to perpetuate themselves from one generation to the next.

Most consolers feel a need to say something profound. There is a desperate need for the comforter to supply an answer or provide a remedy for the bereaved person’s pain, lest they fail to really help. Most comforters cannot accept the fact that a hug and three simple words, "I am sorry," is all they really need to say. If we speak from our hearts with all the honesty and love we each possesses, these canned remedies – clichés – would not be a necessary. Why can’t people just say, "I feel so terrible that I don’t know what to say."

As a bereaved parent, there are a whole medley of clichés that you are sure to hear. Some you will find comforting, and others will be terribly upsetting. A cliché that at first may give you great solace may be one that you will come to detest as time goes by. They will range from the ridiculous to the sublime. You will hear such remarks as "God needed some flowers for His garden in Heaven, new sheep for His meadow, new angels for His baseball team," or heaven forbid, you could even hear "At least now, you have one less mouth to feed."

Although unintentional, clichés can be hurtful and harmful. These misunderstandings and miscommunications can greatly inhibit the grief process. Some clichés may make you feel abnormal, maladjusted, or even unholy.

Friends and relatives may be the worst offenders. Our expectations of those close to us are so high that it is inevitable that at least one of our loved ones will disappoint us by saying the wrong thing or not saying the right thing.  It is easy to agonize over things that are said to us. Hurtful words seem to stay with a bereaved person longer and might cause pain and anger that may never be resolved.  Because of increased sensitivity during times of mourning, what might have been said as an innocent remark by the consoler could be construed as terribly hurtful and hateful by the bereaved.

As awful as some clichés can be though, it is usually better to be hit in the face with a bad cliché than to be tortured with silence. The most painful words can be those that are unspoken. It can be unbearable to go back to work and have nobody mention your child’s death, to be at a family reunion and have nobody mention your child’s name. This "conspiracy of silence" can be worse than all the bad clichés that were ever written.

I hope that you now have a better understanding of clichés and how you can control your reaction to them. You can choose to be offended by them, or you can choose to brush them off as another dumb statement said by someone who doesn’t know what he is talking about. 

We can even go one step farther. Instead of just reacting to clichés, how can we go on the offense?  This may seem too much to ask of a bereaved person because grieving can sap a person’s strength and energy. But if someone were standing on your foot in a crowded elevator, wouldn’t you ask him to move? Of course you would. Then why should we let people stand on our feelings without saying something about it? We must let our needs to known, instead of begrudgingly accepting the painful words that are said to us.

Because it is traditional in our society for bereaved people to smile in public and cry in private, we give the message to the outside world that we are all right. This is misleading, but it is a game we are all forced to play.

Because of these ground rules, we must give some degree of understanding to the comforter, who in most cases is reacting to our "acting." We are not helpless. We do have choices.

Someday we will once again be called upon to set aside our role as the comforted and become the comforter. Hopefully we will have improved in both wisdom and understanding so that we may become the comforter that we would have wished for in our own despair.

Holidays of Sadness

~ by Brigitte Synesael

When you have lost someone very dear to you, the most difficult obstacle to cross is getting through the holidays. Surviving the days where everyone around you is celebrating and spreading good cheer, while your mind is filled with memories and your heart is heavy with loneliness. It’s difficult just making it through what used to be the happiest days that were once shared with our child or loved one, and today carries only emptiness. The greatest challenge is to remain in the company of others who love you, when you really want to be alone with your sadness.

It makes no difference whether the loss took place last week, several months ago, or even last year. The holidays always send those deep emotions flooding right to the surface.

Just as how you deal with grief is personal and individual, so is the way you handle the holidays. Remember to be true to yourself, and don’t take on too much responsibility. Let people know that your plans may be subject to change, and you can’t make long term commitments just yet. Be honest with yourself and with your friends and family about how you’re feeling.

Some people find it best to start new traditions, because the past ones hold memories too difficult to deal with. Talk with your family about setting expectations. Plan together any modifications you will all make to the “normal” holiday festivities. You may want to have a church service dedicated to the memory of your loved one. Or make an annual donation in his/her name. Perhaps join the Hospice Tree Lighting ceremony. Bring joy to another child by purchasing a special toy for the Angel Tree in memory of your child.

Be honest about how you’re feeling, but when ever possible, try to include a positive twist into your thoughts. Instead of : “I miss my ….. so much, there is no Christmas without him/her.”  TRY “I do miss my ……. Christmas will be different this year, but I will try to enjoy it.”  Instead of: “I HATE this time of year. I can’t wait until it’s over.”  TRY “This is a difficult time of year for me. But it does give me an opportunity to become closer to my family and friends.”

Some people heal best by helping others. Try volunteering at an organization who help people with a greater need than yours. i.e. A soup kitchen, a homeless shelter, orphanages, etc. Often the best therapy is helping others. Aside from the obvious benefits of keeping your mind occupied and seeing that there are others in worse situations than yourself, charity work gives you a tremendous feeling of fulfillment. It can give you a renewed sense of purpose, so important during times of sadness.

Above all else, give yourself permission to enjoy yourself, to laugh, and to find peace. Each of these things are part of healing. Your life will never be the same, but it will go on, and it can still be good. Close your eyes for just a moment ~ bring into the room with you the clearest image of the person that you have lost. Now say “I love you and I miss you. You will always be in my heart. I need to know... is it okay for me to be happy again?”

Now, imagine the answer that you receive. If you remember your loved one in their true light, I’m confident the answer will be YES.  Find peace over the holidays, and be good to you.

~ About the Author: Brigitte Synesael is recognized as an authority on Alternative Medicine Information. A published author, one of her latest releases is  "You've Got Nothing To Lose But POUNDS!" 

That Time of Year

~ Mary Cleckley -Bereaved Parents/Member at Large

It’s Halloween time again. Is that thought bothering you? It probably is, particularly if you had a little one who would have been out doing a little tricking and getting a lot of treating that night.

Or, maybe your child was too small or didn’t live to see even one Halloween. That hurts too, doesn’t it?

Sometimes we grieve for what was and sometimes we grieve for what could have been.

Maybe, like me, your child was too old for conning neighbors into treats, but it still is a hard night in the beginning. All special days and nights are. 

If you have small children who need to be a part of this special night, maybe a family member or a good friend will accompany them on their appointed rounds. They’ll enjoy the evening just as much and you can “treat” yourself by choosing to stop the world and get off for a little while. 

If you have no children at home, this may be a good time to close up shop for that one night. Take in a movie – or stay at home and give no inviting signs that say you want to participate in the festivities of the evening.

Do what is comfortable for you. One day you will be able to enjoy treating the little ones again. This just may not be the year. Isn’t it good to know our needs and abilities change as time goes by?

From Halloween until after the new year arrives, it helps to prepare ourselves that  this time of year can be overwhelming, especially the first few years after your child has died, no matter their age.  Go easy on yourself and try to be patient with others - remember those around us mean well as they “encourage” us to participate during the holiday season, but remember you need to do what is right for you and those who love you will understand…and if they don't, well that's OK too.. Cherie Houston

No Tears in Heaven

No Tears in Heaven

~ by Ferna Lary Mills

There are many things in life that no one understands,

like why a life so very young can slip right through our hands.

One moment life is perfect and the next it falls apart,

leaving us with nothing but an eternally aching heart.

Our souls cry out in agony amidst the suffering and despair.

We feel the pain and tear our clothes and scream "It’s just not fair!"

Spirits are now shattered. Hearts will never be the same.

We grasp at straws and seek to find the one who is to blame.

Horrific as our life now seems, one thing remains quite true.

Our little ones have now been freed to do things angels do.

They can't recall the suffering of those last days they were here.

They remember not the sorrow, the hurt, nor the fear.

There are no tears in Heaven. No more sorrow. Only Joy.

Heaven is filled with peals of laughter from each little girl and boy.

We can only try to imagine, in spite of all earthly wrongs,

our little angels are learning the words to the Angel's songs.

Amidst the children's laughter and their Heavenly play,

there's also more important work going on there today.

Jesus is building mansions, never taking time to sleep,

for Reunions are being planned, yes, even as we weep.

The children gather around Him and listen to Him speak,

for He has all the answers that they curiously seek.

He tells them for a time, in Heaven, they must wait,

and then they can greet us at Heaven's pearly gate.

Please, Yes, Do ask me about my child who just died (Part 2 of 2)

Part 2 of 2 - Continued from Sunday, April 1st, 2012

By Katie Allison Granju – Knoxville, TN

And now I am one of THOSE parents, and I find that I am in almost daily contact with people who are well aware that Henry died at the beginning of the summer, but who likely just don’t know what to say to me, just as I used to not know what I should say when faced with the parent of a dead child. How do I know that people are unsure what they could or should say to me regarding Henry?

Well, I base this observation on the fact that about 90% of the time, people I see socially or happen to run into or whatever simply don’t address the fact that Henry just died at all. The subject never comes up in any way, shape or form. They don’t ask me how I am doing. They don’t bring up his name. They don’t invite discussion of my grief or loss in any way. And I have to tell you, that feels really weird and painful to me. If I spend time with a friend or acquaintance who is aware of Henry’s death and that person doesn’t touch on it in any way, or if they act like everything is all hunky-dory-normal with me, it feels completely bizarre. It’s like there’s a big, dead elephant in the room that nobody dares touch.

I totally understand that people are afraid of hurting or upsetting me if they mention anything related to Henry’s death, and I in no way want to make anyone feel bad for NOT mentioning him (I’ve been there with being unsure of the protocol when dealing with a grieving parent, remember?). But I am here to tell you that only a few months past my child’s death, I absolutely want and need to still be asked on a fairly regular basis how I am doing and how the other kids are doing.

I welcome questions about how the criminal investigation is coming along because that makes me feel like people still care whether anyone is held accountable under the law for what happened to my child. If we both know you read a sensational and disturbing story about my son on yesterday’s front page of the local newspaper, please go ahead and bring it up. That’s far better than us both wondering what the other one thinks about what was written in the story and in the online comments appearing below it.

In other words, when you run into me at the grocery store or go out to lunch with me or drop by our house, please do say Henry’s name out loud. Invite me to say it too by asking me about him; I welcome the opportunity. Basically, what I am saying is that I would like it very much if people would actively acknowledge in whatever way they are comfortable that I am still in the fairly acute phase of parental grief. Please don’t act like what just happened didn’t happen. That hurts.

I am different. I am changed. I am in pain. It’s okay to acknowledge that. Acknowledgement won’t make me feel worse; it makes me feel better. And don’t worry; if you are thoughtful enough to bring the subject up, Henry’s death doesn’t have to be the only thing we discuss when we see one another… or even the primary thing we discuss. But just hearing a genuine expression of concern with the words, “how are you?” from someone who then takes the time to actually listen to my answer without flinching or turning away makes me feel much more whole and sane. When people proactively ask me how things are since my child died, it helps me to feel like Henry didn’t just vanish without a trace.

So yes, please do ask. It’s totally okay to mention the fact that my teenage son died not so very long ago. In fact, it’s more than okay. If you care about me, I still need you to ask.

Again, thank you to Pauline Emmett in Sneedville, TN for sending me this wonderful article to share, which Pauline received last fall, shortly after her own little girl Cheyenne died as a result of a traffic accident… And yes Pauline, in those first few months and years after the death of our child, you are so right - the following is so well written and very reflective of the way in which so many of us feel and can’t quite express. Oh how we want to be asked our child who has died, we want and need to hear their name and know that they and we are not forgotten….…

Helping Yourself When Your Child Has Died – Part 1 of 2

~ by Charles A. Corr, Ph.D

The death of your child is likely to be the most painful and difficult experience you will ever have. A child’s death violates all that we expect from the natural course of events. “Children should outlive their parents,” we say. In most cases, they do. But what do we do when we find ourselves saying a final goodbye to a child? What then? What can we do to help ourselves in such awful circumstances?

EXPERIENCE YOUR GRIEF - At least at first, you may find yourself unable to accept that your child really has died. That is certainly understandable and normal. Give yourself time to absorb this harsh fact and to begin to acknowledge its many implications. Allow yourself to experience your grief in all of its dimensions – physical, psychological, social and spiritual. Do so gradually and in small doses, if you can.

Thinking about your child or talking about your child with others may sometimes be painful. At other times it may be comforting. Don’t be afraid to cry when you need. Tears are healing. The depth of the grief that you are currently experiencing is likely to relate closely to the depth of the relationship you shared with your child. Grief is the price we pay for having loved, for in doing so, we have allowed ourselves to be vulnerable to loss.

COPING WITH YOUR GRIEF - Try to manage, not master, your loss and grief. Focus on the present. You needn’t try to work out your entire future right away. Take one day at a time – but don’t try to cope even with an hour at a time if that is too much for you right now. Time does not heal all by itself, but the way we use the time that is available to us can help us to heal and grow.  Be mindful of your needs for food and water, rest and exercise. Taking good care of yourself is essential to provide the resources you need to function on a daily basis.

You will need to find your own way after the death of your child. Coping with such an awful loss is a very individualized experience. Think of what helped you when you encountered other, smaller losses earlier in life.

SUPPORT FROM FAMILY AND FRIENDS - Maintain relationships with immediate family members and friends. You really need their support right now, even if you don’t think there is much they can do for you. Do not hesitate to ask friends for assistance when you need help. True friends will be glad to learn how to help you in practical matters and other ways.

If someone says or does something that is not helpful or perhaps is even hurtful, you may wish to explain your feelings and discuss what does help. Do not suffer in silence. Look out for yourself. Most people mean well, but sometimes they don’t know what to do or what to say. In fact, we all have much to learn about what responses are appropriate when a child dies. You will likely find yourself teaching these lessons whether you want to or not. Be gentle, but firm; teach people to be more understanding and helpful to you.

When you give them permission, true friends will welcome opportunities to share with you their memories of your child – and you, too, will benefit, because their memories will enrich the legacy of your child in your own mind and heart.

Part 2 of 2 will be posted on Monday, June 11th

A Bend in the Road...

“In the book “A Bend in the Road,” David Jeremiah writes “When you’ve walked through the fire, people begin to listen to you. When you have wisdom borne of suffering you begin to have the tools to accomplish something in the world.”

I saw this first hand when a friend of my husband lost his two year old son. He could not wait to talk to my husband. He searched Don out at the funeral and could not get to my husband fast enough.

He grabbed Don and broke down in his arms. I think just Don’s presence comforted him. When he asked Don how he was going to go on, Don told him there was only one way. He listened while Don explained to him about the love of the Lord Jesus and how HE has carried us through our own trial. I believe the death of our children has given us a freedom to speak to others about our faith and they also tend to listen to us in a more expecting way. We have been through the fire. We have the opportunity and the responsibility to reach out and comfort others and in the process we can spread the word about the Love of the Lord.

Beyond a shadow of a doubt, there have been gifts given me from my child. Gifts like NO other. Little nuggets of truth, of heroism, of the purest love I have ever known. Purified by fire, I guess. LIKE GOLD.

There is NO gold purer or more precious than this….and yet sometimes it is so bright that it burns our inner eyes and brings tears and pain to the body and soul. Bright as the sun it emits a power that can heal us and also burn us…yet we hold it tightly in our hearts.

We who have this gold…..are blessed….and cursed….the love, the gifts, the loss, the pain, and yet there is no power in heaven or on earth that can take it away from us….nor would we let them.

Today I’m encouraging those of you who can…..to make your grief into a GOLDEN FIRE……to reach out and embrace another who is hurting. In the reaching out to another, your own HEALING will and CAN begin.

“There will come a time when you believe everything is finished.  That will be the beginning.”
………Louis L’Armour

DO IT YOUR WAY

~ ~ By: Mary Cleckly TCF, Atlanta, GA

I think it’s only fair to tell you-there is no “Bereaved Parent of the Month” award, nor an award for the one with the stiffest upper lip. In fact, what you will find if you try to be the most stoic, brave and strong, the one doing too well, is instead of reward, you suffer the consequences.

It is not possible to lose someone as vital as one’s child and not have the pain of deep grief. You will find a great many non-bereaved people will encourage you to play the old “If you’ll pretend you’re okay and it’s not really so bad, we’ll let you come play with us. But, if you’re going to cry and talk about your dead child, then you can’t play” the game with us anymore.

This is one time in your life you don’t have to meet anybody else’s standards. There is nothing more unique about you than the way you express your grief, and you have that right, however it is manifested.

So, if someone tries to influence you to play the old game, tell them you’re not doing well, that your child has died and you’re hurting. Let them know it doesn’t help you for them to ‘pretend’ everything is okay.

Do whatever it is you need to do to survive this trauma, and don’t worry about whether it pleases or displeases other people..

..Do It YOUR Way.

To Love and to Mourn

~Alan D Wolfelt, Ph.D from Understanding Grief, Helping Yourself Heal
When someone you care about dies your capacity to love dictates your necessity to mourn. Work with thousands of bereaved parents, combined with my personal losses, have convinced me of one thing: you cannot heal without mourning or expressing your grief outwardly. Denying your grief, running from it, or minimizing it only seems to make it more confusing and overwhelming. To lessen your hurt, you must embrace it.

Reconciling your grief does not happen quickly. Grief is a process, not an event. Consequently, you must be patient with yourself. When you come to trust that pain will not last forever, it becomes tolerable. Deceiving yourself into thinking that pain does not even exist will make it intolerable.