A Grieving Fathers Prayer

As so many celebrate Father's Day today, please remember those dads & grandfathers with angel children & grandchildren, who are on the same grief journey and share that  same sense of loss that we felt on Mother's Day.. how well they too know that never ending heartache that time can't erase..  Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers and if you see them today, give them a special hug and remind that you remember them and their child and their pain and pray that they find peace and joy in their child/children's memories..

A Grieving Father’s Prayer

~ written by Laura/Heavenly Lights Children’s Memorial ~ www.heavenlylights.homestead.com

 Our Father… Who art in heaven…

I come to you with a heavy heart today…

I know you know… but I have lost my child…

And am feeling like I lost my way.

People seem to think I am so strong…

I am not invincible…I am not superman…

I am just a grieving father… missing my child

And could use a friendly helping hand.

I have always been the fixer-upper type of dad…

I could fix anything…ever since I was ten…

But I cannot fix the clock of time…

But, Please God, can you help me wind it up again?

Please bless all the grieving fathers…

Each hour throughout this day…

With the strength to keep moving ahead…

Even one baby step at a time…would be okay.

Please bless all grieving fathers…

Each day throughout this week…

And guide them on their journey of grief…

As the meaning of life they do seek.

Please bless all grieving fathers…

Each week this whole month through…

With memories to last a lifetime…

And understanding friends to turn to.

Please bless all grieving fathers

Each month throughout this year…

With hugs to comfort…in our time of need

And people to realize our grief doesn’t disappear.

Please bless all grieving fathers…

Each year until the end of time…

With faith in You…to see us through

From sunrise to sunset…for our whole lifetime.

Please God Bless all grieving fathers…

Each day throughout this year…

As seasons change…

And time unfolds…

Day by day…

Month by month…

Year by year…

And especially today…on this Father’s Day.

Amen

Facing Fathers Day with a Pit in your Stomach (repeated)

We posted this last June and the response was incredible so we are posting it again this year for all our dads & grandfathers..Fathers Day is just a week away and we want you to know that we are thinking of you an that we understand your quiet and often "unshared" grief....You are all in our thought and prayers this month and always...

~ By Tim Nelson, Author of A guide for Fathers When A Baby Dies - Tim and his wife, Monica, suffered the full-term stillbirth of their second child, Kathleen. While that was a number of years ago, Tim has stayed connected to the issue through his writing and speaking on the topic of father's grief following the death of an infant. Tim, like many men, had trouble talking about his feelings after his daughter's death. Tim hopes that his blog might be a place for dads to share their thoughts about what they are experiencing and find support from other dads - Visit Tim's Blog: www.fathersgrievinginfantloss.blogspot.com

"I think one of the most difficult things for me is talking to couples who have lost a child in the last year and hear them speak of the dread they feel as Mother's Day and Father's Day approach. I have written about this before and encouraged moms and dads to try and find a way to get through the day as best they can while allowing themselves to celebrate the fact that they are parents of a child they loved very much. I have to admit those words can sound pretty hollow, and I can't help but think to myself, "who am I kidding? -- it sucks and there is no way of avoiding it."

It also may not really help to know that for most of us, it does get easier as time goes by and we heal to the point of being able to feel more of the joy than the pain of our child's short life. It's good to have hope, but you still have to make it through those first holidays where it seems like everyone else is celebrating while you want to crawl under a rock and hope it can just go away.

I hope those of you who read this blog that have a little more time under your belt since your loss, can share things that you found helpful as you faced these difficult times. Some of you may have shared before, but know that there are always new people coming on board who could benefit from your experience and your hard earned wisdom.

There are just a couple of things I want to say again (hollow or not) because I honestly believe they are important to remember:

1) Yes..... you are a parent. For those whose loss was your first child, sometimes it's easy to fall into the trap of not thinking you have the "right" to celebrate these special days. Adding to the misconception is the fact that family and friends wrongly believe that they should not say anything or acknowledge the day for fear it might remind you that your baby died... (if only it were that easy to make the pain go away.)

2) Be creative. If you don't feel you can celebrate the day with the traditional brunch or family gathering, try and think of ways that you can make this day special for you and your baby. If that means going to the cemetery or visiting a place you recall being happy during your pregnancy, allow yourselves the opportunity to do that. Write a note to your child, release a balloon, visit a hospital or nursing home, go for a walk, cry, laugh, plant a bush (or flower or tree), smile..... most importantly, be around people who will let you do what you need to do... no matter who or how many that is.

3) Be hopeful. Ask yourselves what your baby would want this day to be like for you?

I could rattle on for a long time trying to be profound, but I'll spare you that. I would much rather have others of you who probably did a lot better job than myself in dealing with the sadness write your thoughts. It's when you share things that can help others (even if it's letting them know they are not the only ones hurting) that you give your child a voice and let them touch the world and make it better.

Good luck. You are not alone"

Reminder for Dads and Grandfathers-You are not alone...

You are not alone...

The strength of the men around me had always been something I envied, with one exception.. when my children died... It was during those three life events, when my three children died - my little girl Randee Marie in 1970 shortly after her birth-Randee and her twin brother Ric who is now 43 and the father of 2 of my beautiful grandchildren were born 12 weeks prematurely; again the following year when my 2nd daughter Robin Marie died tragically from SIDS, and then again in September 2009 when my 36 year old son Bobby, took his own life, leaving a wife and 2 very small sons - no when these incidents happened, I no longer envied the men in my life.....

Quite the opposite, although I remember wishing and praying I could be as strong as those men around me "Stoic, strong, unbending, unemotional, able to conceal the obvious overwhelming pain", but I eventually realized that all that I'd seen was not what it appeared...  I realized it was much more difficult for so many of the men who have these same tragic experiences...  the dads, grandfathers, uncles & brothers who experienced these horrific lose - why was it worse for them (an not easier as I'd thought), it was  because they couldn't openly grieve, or at least they felt they couldn't!

Because while most women don't try to "toughen up" during these most difficult hours, we just grieve without thinking about what other's think, we simply grieve in whatever way we do...but sadly, so many men feel they must be the strong one, the brave one, that they must hide their emotions, their tears and their pain.. but when it is the death of their child or grandchild, no man - father or grandfather should feel pressured to be anything but grieving...they like the women in their lives just need to be able to grieve, in whatever way they need to do to deal with the unimaginable grief.....

So dads and grandfathers, you aren't alone...  Thanks to other grieving dads who struggled with their own journeys of grief and have found ways to work with and help other grieving dads, like Kelly Farley at www.grievingdads.com and author of "Grieving Dads:  To the Brink and Back"; Dan Hoppes, who along with his wife Judy founded Heartbeat of Havasu for bereaved parents of children who ernded their own lives; and the grieving fathers and mothers who founded other support groups Bereaved Parents www.bereavedparentsusa.org  and The Compassionate Friends www.compassionatefriends.org and thousands of others in many communities throughout the United States and almost every country of the world...

Our children are not supposed to die before us, but sadly they do... And coping with hat horrible reality isn't easy so reach out... Anyone who loves and cares about you and your famjily will understand and if they don't that is their problem - not yours... we can only hope that they will never know this unimaginable heartache that comes for the death of our beloved children, no matter their age...

So know that you are in our thoughts and prayers in this month of June - the moth when Father'as Day is celebrated and also throughout the year... No matter how you grieve, know that you are without any doubt stronger than most around you because you have endured a pain and heartache like no other...  Cherie Houston

When my child has died - please.......

Thank you to Paula B. from Beverly, England for sharing this - every mom whose on this journey, understands these statements all too well...

When My Child Has Died

~author is unknown but she knows she was a woman

When my child has died, please… 

• Don’t ignore me because you are uncomfortable with the subject of death. It makes me wonder if what happened means nothing to you.

• Acknowledge my pain, even if you think it shouldn’t be as great as it is… (because I’ve ‘only’ lost a baby or one of four!)

• Losing a child is one of the most difficult experiences to face and the depth of my grief will shock even me as it returns in waves. A tremendous number of emotional and physical hurts will come my way – please don’t minimize them.

• Please be aware that holidays and anniversaries will be particularly difficult times.

• If you invite me for lunch or bring a meal around (and please do) in the midst of my grief, please expect to talk about my loss. It’s all I’m thinking about and I need to talk it out; small talk neither interests nor helps just now.

• Please don’t change the subject if I start to cry. Tears and talking about it are the healthiest way for me to release my intense emotions.

• Telling me that So-and-so’s situation must have been much worse won’t make mine easier. It only makes me feel you don’t understand or can’t acknowledge the extent of my pain.

• Don’t expect that because my child is in heaven or ‘with God’ I shouldn’t be hurting. Even the most fervent believer in God would rather have their child with them. My arms ache to hold my child and I miss him or her so much. And God might not be finding favor with me right now.

• Now is not the time to tell me about your own childbirth or child’s experiences… It reminds me in the most painful way of what I’m missing.

• Don’t remind me that I’m so lucky to have other children. I am and I know it. But my pain is excruciating for this child; the others don’t take that pain away. Indeed, they can add to it because I’ve got to comfort them as well.

• No matter how bad I look, please don’t say “You look terrible.” I feel like a total failure right now and I don’t need to hear that I look awful too.

• Don’t devalue my experience or my child – the feelings of deprivation are so intense. A child who has never breathed is nonetheless missed so if I’ve ‘only’ miscarried or my child was stillborn, don’t forget he/she was a very special, unique person.

• Please don’t suggest my child can be replaced by my having more. Would you say “Don’t worry, there are plenty more fish in the sea,” to someone who had just lost their husband?

• When you ask my husband how I’m doing – please don’t forget to ask him how he’s doing too. He has also lost his child. If you ignore his hurt it suggests that his pain doesn’t exist or doesn’t matter.

Coping with Pregnancy Loss,Stillbirth or Neonatal Infant Loss

~ by Cherie Houston

The death of a child takes the wind out of our sails – and despite what some might think, that same sense of horrible loss can be just as challenging for moms and dads who suffer the loss of a child through a miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal death.  So often, the loss of such a very young child is often misunderstood – others around who have been blessed to have never experienced a loss like this, simply don’t or can’t understand that the parent’s sadness and grief is every bit as strong as any loss of someone we love…  


I've heard moms say, “in many ways, the grief is hard to bear because I never got to see my child"; I can't help wondering what he/she looked like and what kind of personality they had; I just wish I'd known whether it was a boy or girl; I have nothing to remember them by-no pictures, no memories" the memories I have are so painful; all of these things are difficult and they all hurt deeply..  

For those of us who have traveled this journey, we totally understand that for any mom or dad going through this devastating experience – that the child they have just lost was part of them, part of their lives - loved since the moment their parents knew that they were on their way…  the hopes, dreams, and “future” for that child begin not only at conception, but often before when parents first hoped to be blessed with a child – yes from that magical moment on – we loved our child…  so yes, grieving their death is real and very much OK and very normal.

As with any death though, how each of us copes with the loss will be very different – For some, they may grieve deeply for longer periods of time, while others who seem to have the same experience can somehow “regroup” more quickly, absorb their loss and get on with life, looking forward to what the future may bring…  Be patient with yourself, there is no right or wrong way to grieve – we each need to do it our own way…

And remember, it’s not just the mom and dad who experience this loss – many times siblings were told and are anxiously awaiting this new arrival; grandparents, aunts, uncles and close friends have been included in this new child’s anticipated arrival..  So remember that they too will grieve in their own way and that is also okay..  Furthermore, for grandparents, extended family and friends, it is such a helpless feeling to stand-by and watch someone we love and care about, hurting, not knowing what to do or say or how they can help ease the pain of grieving – but we all know, that no one can take away someone else’s grief…

For many years, a pregnancy loss, or stillbirth or death of an infant early on, were subjects not discussed once they happened.  Just the opposite, it was often treated as thought it never happened…  I know that from experience and to this day it’s a fact that is very obvious in most most support groups for parents, when someone older will recall a child loss form 20-30-40-50 years ago and weep uncontrollably..  The pain of losing a child, any child - of any age – hurts and it hurts deeply, and if we don’t grieve for them when it happens, eventually (if we are lucky) we will…and that is perfectly okay!!

Simply be there for them – listen – a hug can heal more than you know…  Try not to use cliché’s that will break their hearts even more – such as, it’s okay you are young and can try again, you are lucky you have other children, it was meant to be, you’ll feel better next week or month – you’ll forget about this…  All well intentioned but hurt beyond belief and are often remembered for many years to come…

If you want to help, be specific – don’t just tell them to call you if they need anything… Tell them you are going to cook dinner or clean the house or run specific errands – remember, at that moment they are hurting and might not be interested in mundane tasks, no matter how important they might seems to those around them…

Try to remember those special days – especially the due date and the memorial anniversary for their loss – those dates are often very hard and when many moms feel the lonliest, especially when no one else remembers…

Encourage them to get plenty of rest, eat and take care of themselves – walking together can often times help, especially if they feel comfortable talking about what has happened and they can talk about their “baby” and all that they fear they’ve lost…  If their pain doesn’t seem to soften with time and you are worried about them, be sure they know that you are – talk to their spouse and remember that moms often go thru post-partum depression, so encourage them to speak to their doctor or other professional..  

Gratitude the Key to Happiness

Yes, Father's Day is over for another year.. As we refocus our thoughts on our own Journey from Mourning to Joy, I thought you might enjoy this dads encouraging view on "getting through this challenge of grieving for our children", a challenge which at times seems overwhelming.  So many families are touched by the loss of their children yet it will never cease to amaze me, that for so many parents, like Richard Edier,, Tim Nelson and Kelly Farley and many other dads and moms, that through their grief they find the strength to reach out and help other moms and dads move forward.  To me it reinforces the fact that our children, although not here physically, will never be gone...  look what they continue to share with all of us through their parents...Cherie Houston

Gratitude: The Key to Happiness ~ by Richard Edler, TCF

"I am convinced that the real key to happiness is gratitude.  I did not come upon this insight, I learned it from Dennis Prager, a wonderful and gifted man who is both author and talk show host for KNBC radio in Los Angeles.  I give him all the credit.  But I have thought a lot about this idea after my son, Mark, died seven years ago.

At first, I was offended by people who smiled or even laughed during the TCF support group meetings.  These were the people who seemed to have somehow re-entered the land of the living.  How dare they greet each other with hugs.  How dare they laugh.  How dare they appear normal when their children have died.  But over the last seven years I have learned three valuable lessons.

Life goes on and we must too.  Gradually the pain eases and the warm memories replace the sadness. A Gradually we return to life.  One day we find that it is 11:00 in the morning and we have not thought about our child yet.  At first we feel guilt.  But then we also realize we are going forward.  We will never forget.  But we decide that the loss of our child will not be the all-consuming factor in our life.  We choose to enjoy friends again.  We choose to go out to dinner again.  We choose to laugh again.  I am convinced that this is what our children would want for us.  The pain does not bring our child back.  It only makes us miserable without end. 

Become grateful for what we have, not focused on what we lost.  I see people in group meetings who have gong through “every parent’s nightmare” and want no part of life again.  But, I ask that these compassionate friends also think about the ways they have been blessed, as well as hurt.  In my experience, most people have more to be thankful for than they realize: health, other children, a loving family, a career they enjoy, financial security, life in a free country, a faith that works for them, a true best friend, a spouse who they love.  Nobody has it all.  But compared to most of the world, we have a lot.

The life we now lead will be better than it would have been.  That does not make our child’s death a good thing.  It just means that our child’s life mattered, and it has changed us forever.  It means that in some small way the world will be better because our child lived, and we are the ones who can make it so.  We have a new sense of priorities.  We don’t “sweat the small stuff.”  We know what matters, we know how deeply other people hurt, because we, too, have been there.  We “know how they feel.”  And when our life is different and better because our child lived, then that child is never forgotten.  Each of us would do anything in the world to go back in time, but we can’t.  It is up to us now to go forward, and we can"

Remembering Grieving Dads on Fathers Day

There's no doubt that the loss of a child has the same rippling effect of that when we throw a pebble into the pond.. but for the spot of impact when the pebble hits, the two people affected most by the loss are the parents - and then the siblings - grandparents and so on.. So today as Father's Day is celebrated, please reach out to all the dads and grandfathers who are grieving and missing their "angel babies"... from all of us we hope that all dads will find peace and joy in the memories of their children who have gone before them.... 

A DAD HURTS TOO

~  by Judi Walker

People don't always see the tears a dad cries,

His heart is broken too when his child dies.

He tries to hold it together and be strong,

Even though his world's gone wrong.

He holds his wife as her tears fall,

Comforts her through it all,

He goes through his day doing what he's supposed to do,

But a piece of his heart has been ripped away too.

So when he's alone he lets out his pain,

And his tears come like falling rain,

His world has crashed in around him,

And a world that was once bright has gone dim.

He feels he has to be strong for others,

But Dads hurt too, not just the Mothers,

He searches for answers but none are to be found,

He hides behind a mask when he is feeling down.

He smiles through his tears,

He struggles and holds in his fears,

But what you see on the outside is not always real,

Men don't always show how they really feel.

So I'd like to ask a favor of you,

The next time you see a mother hurting

over the loss of her child,

please remember.....a Dad hurts too.

A note for grieving dads this Father's Day weekend

A few weeks ago, on June 2nd, I copied a posting from Kelly Farley's Blog for Grieving Dads on our blog.  This morning I'd like to share Kelly’s newest blog posting, which is the Preface in his book Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back which has just been published...  I'm hoping that Kelly's strength will help a grieving dad that you know cope with their new world without their child... and on this Father's Day weekend, they might be able to smile just a little when remembering the joy that child brought them... Cherie Houston

“AUTHOR’S PREFACE” from Kelley farley

It has been a very exciting and difficult 2.5 years trying to develop this book for grieving dads.  There were times I wasn’t sure it was going to happen and there were other times I thought I had taken on more than I could handle.  Times were I asked myself “am I the one to be doing this?”  It was a challenge to hear the stories and see the raw emotions, the pain in others that went to the core of the person, pain I was all to familiar with.  But there were other times where I knew I was the guy to be writing this book because I walked in the shoes of these grieving dads and it was my responsibility to look back and extend a hand to help pull others through the aftermath of losing a child.  Some of you have already purchased my new book and may have already read this, but I also wanted to share it with others that visit this blog.  Thank you to all for the continued support throughout this project.

“Author’s Preface”

If you have ever loved a child, then you understand what it’s like to love someone more than you love life itself. If you have ever lost a child, then you understand more about hell than anyone could possibly be expected to know.

If you have lost a child, you also understand this isn’t something you get over. Only those who have lost a child can understand the depths to which this pain travels.

Like most of the men who will read this book, I too am a grieving dad. I lost two beautiful babies over an eighteen-month period, and those losses have had major and irreversible impacts on my life. To be quite honest, my psychological response to these losses scared the hell out of me. I felt out of control — because I was out of control. I couldn’t change the fact that my children died. I couldn’t stop hurting. I didn’t just cry — I physically wept inside. There were times when there were no tears, and it felt like I was convulsing internally.

All of this scary stuff started to pile up on me, and when I finally decided to check my “manly” inclinations at the door and seek a bit of help, I discovered that I was in for a surprise. Almost all of the resources I could find on the subject of grieving for a child was directed either toward women or “parents.” I put “parents” in quotation marks, because in my experience, most of what I read for grieving parents was written for mothers. If I did come across something aimed at grieving dads, it was usually advice about how to comfort their wives.

I’m sure there’s something worthwhile out there. But in the absence of anything that jumped out and kicked me in the head, I decided to pursue the issue myself. Part of the result can be found right here within these pages.

The message I want bereaved fathers to understand is that I know it’s hard, I know it hurts, I know it’s scary — but you can get through this. You can survive. It will be the hardest thing you will ever experience; it will drain you physically, mentally, and emotionally. You can come out on the other side of this very long and lonely tunnel, but you will be a different person when you do. There is no going back to the old you.

I also want all grieving dads to know that they are not alone in their grief. I want them to understand that other men have been through this and that the emotions they keep inside are the same emotions they’ll hear about from the many men whose stories appear in this book.

Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back aims to bring awareness to the impacts that child loss has upon fathers. It is also meant to let society know it’s okay for a father to grieve the loss of a child. Society expects men to react differently than women. As a result, men oftentimes grieve in silence, usually when they are alone. A father shouldn’t have to hide his pain or feel ashamed to show his emotions when dealing with the loss of a child.

I am also hopeful that this book will bring insight to the women in these men’s lives about how their husbands, brothers, fathers, or male friends may be feeling.

You will hear from the men in this book that life has been forever changed after the death of a child. It is virtually impossible to continue through life as if nothing happened; you can’t run from it, and you can’t hide from it. Society expects men to “take it like a man,” but it’s not realistic or fair to ask a father to behave that way. The best thing any father can do for himself and for others around him is to reach out for help, and to know it is not a sign of “weakness” to do so. Instead, it’s a sign of courage and strength — the kind that’s required to face this battle head on.

During the deepest, darkest days of my grief, I made a promise to my daughter, Katie, my son, Noah, and myself that once I was strong enough, I would reach out to other dads that are traveling this lonely road known as unspeakable loss. I would do this to help these other dads come to terms with their loss, to help them find their way, to help them cope, and somehow, to help them survive this profound life event. I didn’t know how I would do all of this, but I would find a way.

This book is a result of that promise.

For more information about Kelly’s book and his wonderful blog for dads (and moms)… at this link which is also on our list of favorite websites..:

http://www.grievingdads.com/ 

Facing Father's Day with a pit in your stomach

~ By Tim Nelson, Author of A guide for Fathers When A Baby Dies - Tim and his wife, Monica, suffered the full-term stillbirth of their second child, Kathleen. While that was a number of years ago, Tim has stayed connected to the issue through his writing and speaking on the topic of father's grief following the death of an infant. Tim, like many men, had trouble talking about his feelings after his daughter's death. Tim hopes that his blog might be a place for dads to share their thoughts about what they are experiencing and find support from other dads - Visit Tim's Blog: www.fathersgrievinginfantloss.blogspot.com

"I think one of the most difficult things for me is talking to couples who have lost a child in the last year and hear them speak of the dread they feel as Mother's Day and Father's Day approach. I have written about this before and encouraged moms and dads to try and find a way to get through the day as best they can while allowing themselves to celebrate the fact that they are parents of a child they loved very much. I have to admit those words can sound pretty hollow, and I can't help but think to myself, "who am I kidding? -- it sucks and there is no way of avoiding it."

It also may not really help to know that for most of us, it does get easier as time goes by and we heal to the point of being able to feel more of the joy than the pain of our child's short life. It's good to have hope, but you still have to make it through those first holidays where it seems like everyone else is celebrating while you want to crawl under a rock and hope it can just go away.

I hope those of you who read this blog that have a little more time under your belt since your loss, can share things that you found helpful as you faced these difficult times. Some of you may have shared before, but know that there are always new people coming on board who could benefit from your experience and your hard earned wisdom.

There are just a couple of things I want to say again (hollow or not) because I honestly believe they are important to remember:

1) Yes..... you are a parent. For those whose loss was your first child, sometimes it's easy to fall into the trap of not thinking you have the "right" to celebrate these special days. Adding to the misconception is the fact that family and friends wrongly believe that they should not say anything or acknowledge the day for fear it might remind you that your baby died... (if only it were that easy to make the pain go away.)

2) Be creative. If you don't feel you can celebrate the day with the traditional brunch or family gathering, try and think of ways that you can make this day special for you and your baby. If that means going to the cemetary or visiting a place you recall being happy during your pregnancy, allow yourselves the opportunity to do that. Write a note to your child, release a balloon, visit a hospital or nursing home, go for a walk, cry, laugh, plant a bush (or flower or tree), smile..... most importantly, be around people who will let you do what you need to do... no matter who or how many that is.

3) Be hopeful. Ask yourselves what your baby would want this day to be like for you?

I could rattle on for a long time trying to be profound, but I'll spare you that. I would much rather have others of you who probably did a lot better job than myself in dealing with the sadness write your thoughts. It's when you share things that can help others (even if it's letting them know they are not the only ones hurting) that you give your child a voice and let them touch the world and make it better.

Good luck. You are not alone"

Fathers Day can be difficult for grieving dads & grand dads

~ by Cherie Houston

I received an update a few days ago from "Kelly Farley" about his new book coming out this month "Grieving Dads:  To the Brink and Back"  ..  Kelly is a wonderful dad, a dad who has lost both of his children (Noah in 2006 and Katie in 2004) and since that time has committed himself to helping other dads on their grief journey...  As I read Kelly's update and then the post on his blog, I was reminded that with the arrival of June, comes the impending Fathers Day Holiday.  Fathers Day, for many dads like Kelly, can be a major grief trigger and just as overwhelming as Mothers Day is for all of us moms who have had a child or children die...

No matter what, each and every parent must know and remember that once we are moms and dads, we are always moms & dads...even when our children are in heaven!!

As moms, we certainly know all about the feelings that come with our child’s death – but it shouldn’t be any surprise then that dads are feeling those same feelings but many dads truly feel responsible for not having kept their child safe and they assume so much more responsibility and blame. Our society has put an undue burden on dads, making them feel as though they are responsible for protecting their family – for protecting them and keeping them safe.  Unfortunately, that isn’t always possible.

So many times, dads get so angry with themselves after the death of their child or children and that anger often turns inward creating crippling burdens of depression. To make matters worse so many dads have to “rush” right back to work – after all the bills don’t stop coming in, the mortgage and utilities still need to be paid …  often for many dads they dive back into their work “head first” because it is something they feel they can control, whereas they weren’t able to control and avoid the death of their child… So many of us are so blinded by our own grief, that it can be easy to miss the grief that our children’s fathers and siblings are also experiencing…It’s not intentional, but it’s important that we remind them that blaming or punishing themselves only adds more pain for everyone and it will not replace our beloved children.. We can’t protect our children from everything – life doesn’t happen that way..

So as Father’s Day approaches, remember that the “dads and grand dads” who are grieving the loss of a child, are impacted just as much by these specials days, every bit as much as we, the moms, are – although most men don’t show it.. Share the day with them, remind them what a wonderful dad they were – even if it was for the short time during a pregnancy, or for those few days weeks or months of a baby’s life or for those who were blessed to have helped raise the child to adulthood…  Reassure them that they are not to blame – that you still love them more than ever, and that our children are safe in the hands of God until we see them again…


Personally I've already pre-ordered several of Kelly's books for friends and family who, like us,  have experienced the death of a child or children.. if you would like more information about Kelly, his blog or his book.. I would encourage your to visit his website, which is always listed on our list of websites, and here:


http://www.grievingdads.com/home-page/

Just for Today (Section 6 of 6)

Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt,

for deep in my heart I know

if there was anything in this world I could have done

to save my child from death,

I would have done it.

This poem was written for bereaved parents by Vicki Tushingham. In August 2010, Kelly Farley, Founder of “The Dads Project” and a wonderful blog for grieving dads, shared this same series with his readers… I agree with Kelly and would encourage you to share this with others… I would also encourage you to visit Kelly’s blog for dads (and moms also). If you know of a grieving dad, refer them to the blog, it truly is a wonderful resource for dads, who often get lost in this journey from mourning for their children …

Kelly’s Blog: http://www.grievingdads.wordpress.com/

Kelly mentioned when he posted this series "I have spoken to 100′s of grieving dads and the one thing we all have in common is guilt. We find so many ways to blame ourselves for what happened to our children. We go back and rethink things over and over. ”If I would have done this different” or “I should have been there for them”. There are so many ways we find to blame ourselves. However, like this section of poem says, “deep in my heart I know if there was anything in this world I could have done to save my child from death, I would have done it.” If only for today you can find away to forgive whatever it is your thinking about, please try to do it. I believe guilt is a great destroyer" ~ Kelly Farley,

You can Email Kelly at: Kelly@GrievingDads.com

Just for Today (Section 5 of 6)

Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child,

for they are hurting too,

and perhaps we can help each other.

for the next several days, I will continue to post a separate section from this powerful poem "Just for Today" to ponder....

This poem was written for bereaved parents by Vicki Tushingham. In August 2010, Kelly Farley, Founder of “The Dads Project” and a wonderful blog for grieving dads, shared this same series with his readers… I agree with Kelly and would encourage you to share this with others… I would also encourage you to visit Kelly’s blog for dads (and moms also). If you know of a grieving dad, refer them to the blog, it truly is a wonderful resource for dads, who often get lost in this journey from mourning for their children …

Kelly’s Blog: http://www.grievingdads.wordpress.com/

Just For Today (Section 4 of 6)

Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside

for maybe if I smile a little,

my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.

For the next several days, I will continue to post a separate section from this powerful poem "Just for Today" to ponder....

This poem was written for bereaved parents by Vicki Tushingham. In August 2010, Kelly Farley, Founder of “The Dads Project” and a wonderful blog for grieving dads, shared this same series with his readers… I agree with Kelly and would encourage you to share this with others… I would also encourage you to visit Kelly’s blog for dads (and moms also). If you know of a grieving dad, refer them to the blog, it truly is a wonderful resource for dads, who often get lost in this journey from mourning for their children …

Kelly’s Blog: http://www.grievingdads.wordpress.com/

Just For Today (Section 3 of 6)

Just for today I will forgive all the family and friends

who didn’t help or comfort me the way I needed them to.

They truly did not know how.

For the next several days, I will continue to post a separate section from this powerful poem "Just for Today" to ponder....

This poem was written for bereaved parents by Vicki Tushingham. In August 2010, Kelly Farley, Founder of “The Dads Project” and a wonderful blog for grieving dads, shared this same series with his readers… I agree with Kelly and would encourage you to share this with others… I would also encourage you to visit Kelly’s blog for dads (and moms also). If you know of a grieving dad, refer them to the blog, it truly is a wonderful resource for dads, who often get lost in this journey from mourning for their children …

Kelly’s Blog: http://www.grievingdads.wordpress.com/

Just for Today (Section 2 of 6)

Just for today I will remember my child’s life,

not just their death, and bask in the comfort of all

those treasured days and moments we shared.

for the next several days, I will continue to post a separate section from this powerful poem "Just for Today" to ponder....

This poem was written for bereaved parents by Vicki Tushingham. In August 2010, Kelly Farley, Founder of “The Dads Project” and a wonderful blog for grieving dads, shared this same series with his readers… I agree with Kelly and would encourage you to share this with others… I would also encourage you to visit Kelly’s blog for dads (and moms also). If you know of a grieving dad, refer them to the blog, it truly is a wonderful resource for dads, who often get lost in this journey from mourning for their children …

Kelly’s Blog: http://www.grievingdads.wordpress.com/

Just for Today (Section 1 of 6)

Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours and not expect to get over my child’s death, but instead learn to live with it, just one day at a time.

For the next several days, I am going to post a separate section from this powerful poem "Just for Today" to ponder....

This poem was written for bereaved parents by Vicki Tushingham. In August 2010, Kelly Farley, Founder of “The Dads Project” and a wonderful blog for grieving dads, shared this same series with his readers… I agree with Kelly and would encourage you to share this with others… I would also encourage you to visit Kelly’s blog for dads (and moms also). If you know of a grieving dad, refer them to the blog, it truly is a wonderful resource for dads, who often get lost in this journey from mourning for their children …

Kelly’s Blog: http://www.grievingdads.wordpress.com/

A Grieving Father's Prayer - Our hearts are with you today

Lovingly borrowed in the hopes that we will ease the heartache of at least one dad today as they celebrate Fathers Day - Just remember, that once a dad - always a day - from the moment of conception... And know that your child or children are smiling down on you and so grateful and proud that your are moving forward in their memory... We hope all our dads who are grieving today will find peace this Father's Day as you remember and celebrate your childs memories... Cherie Houston

A GRIEVING FATHER'S PRAYER
~ written by Laura/Heavenly Lights Children’s Memorial
www.heavenlylights.homestead.com

Our Father… Who art in heaven…

I come to you with a heavy heart today…
I know you know… but I have lost my child…
And am feeling like I lost my way.

People seem to think I am so strong…
I am not invincible…I am not superman…
I am just a grieving father… missing my child
And could use a friendly helping hand.

I have always been the fixer-upper type of dad…
I could fix anything…ever since I was ten…
But I cannot fix the clock of time…
But, Please God, can you help me wind it up again?

Please bless all the grieving fathers…
Each hour throughout this day…
With the strength to keep moving ahead…
Even one baby step at a time…would be okay.

Please bless all grieving fathers…
Each day throughout this week…
And guide them on their journey of grief…
As the meaning of life they do seek.

Please bless all grieving fathers…
Each week this whole month through…
With memories to last a lifetime…
And understanding friends to turn to.

Please bless all grieving fathers
Each month throughout this year…
With hugs to comfort…in our time of need
And people to realize our grief doesn’t disappear.

Please bless all grieving fathers…
Each year until the end of time…
With faith in You…to see us through
From sunrise to sunset…for our whole lifetime.

Please God Bless all grieving fathers…
Each day throughout this year…
As seasons change…And time unfolds…
Day by day… Month by month… Year by year…
And especially today…on this Father’s Day.

Amen

~ written by Laura/Heavenly Lights Children’s Memorial
www.heavenlylights.homestead.com

Helping a grieving dad this Father's Day

How many times have you thought or asked the following questions after your child died about the father of your child who has died…

• “Since our little boy died my husband fights the tears and holds them back?”


• “Our child died but my husband finds it so hard to express his emotions?”


• “I know my husband loved our child, but I don’t understand what’s happening with him – either he’s done grieving or he just can’t deal with it..


• "I don’t understand him? AndI don’t think he understands me either…?”

There’s no doubt that each of us different and that includes the way in which we react to and grieve for our children, but studies show there are most likely genetic differences in the way men and women handle grief and I'm sure it's also environmental, in the way in which we’ve been conditioned since childhood. We all know that typically it's much harder for men to show their emotions and this is no different when it comes to the way in which they grieve.. I do think however that this has changed a little for the better with the younger generation of men…

It is so important to encourage the men in our lives to accept their true feelings as normal, bypass role expectations, and give themselves permission to grieve.

I read an article recently in one of The Compassionat Friend websites addressing this issue and they spoke of the variolus roles that men are conditioned to play or be and no doubt these roles can and do impact the grief process for dads and men in general:

One role is that of MACHO-MAN, a role which begins during boyhood (Big boys don’t cry) and is reinforced by the media and females indoctrinated with the same conditioning. On an unconscious level, men usually accept the macho role.

After the death of a child, fathers as well as mothers have a desperate need to express the emotions of grief. Feelings of sadness are triggered by the obvious absence of the child, family events, memories, pictures, and holidays. Society will accept a father’s crying at the time of his child’s death or at the memorial service or funeral, but not long afterwards.

Because a man is less able to verbalize his pain, he and his wife may have difficulties as they attempt to support and understand each other. Unless they can understand and discuss their different grief responses, they may have additional problems in an already distressed marriage.

When dealing with the death of a child, a father can feel a sense of failure in his role as PROTECTOR. (Men assume quite naturally the role of protector of wives, children, and property.) He begins to ask himself why he didn’t do something that would have prevented the death. He fails again in this role because he cannot protect his family from the pain of grief or shield them from the devastating effects of his own grief.

The role of PROVIDER commonly causes a father to return to work very soon after his child’s death. He may have problems at work or he may reinvest himself in his job, attempting to forget his loss. Because at home he cannot avoid facing the death of his child, he tries to find activities which will prevent his being at home too much. The demand of his job force a father to grieve at a different rate than his wife.

As a boy grows up, his parents encourage him to “stand on your own two feet,” so he assumes the role of the SELF-SUFFICIENT MAN. When coping with the death of his own child, he may feel he should be able to handle it alone. Men tend to share about what they do, rather than what they feel. The need to maintain a self-sufficient posture often keeps fathers away from meetings, peer sharing, and professional help.
Understanding the male conditioning and the impact it has on the grief process is very important for moms and dads alike.

The suggestions to help grieving dads, aren’t much different from those that we as moms often hear and find helpful:

• Give yourself permission to grieve


• Learn to cry again


• Talk to your family, explaining that you don’t always grieve the way they do


• Take time for yourself


• Direct your anger at things, not people


• Talk to other bereaved fathers


• Dads should be encouraged to join a support group especialy one for men only


• Do some daily exercises


• Don’t hesitate to seek professional help

As Father's Day approaches, know that grieving dads are also hurting and often bracing themselves as we do when Mother's Day approaches.. Yes, no matter how long ago their child died, the age of their child or circumstances of their childs death - once a dad, always a dad and they deserve the same recognition and encouragement that we also needed - and for sure, a hug can certainly go a long way to help heal their broken heart...

Men Do Cry

~ by Ken Falk

MEN DO CRY

I heard quite often "men don’t cry"
though no one ever told me why.
So when I fell and skinned a knee,
no one came by to comfort me.

And when some bully-boy at school
would pull a prank so mean and cruel,
I’d quickly learn to turn and quip,
"It doesn’t hurt," and bite my lip.

So as I grew to reasoned years,
I learned to stifle any tears.
Though "Be a big boy" it began,
quite soon I learned to "Be a man."

And I could play that stoic role
while storm and tempest wracked my soul.
No pain or setback could there be
could wrest one single tear from me.

Then one long night I stood nearby
and helplessly watched my son die.
And quickly found, to my surprise,
that all that tearless talk was lies.

And still I cry, and have no shame.
I cannot play that "big boy" game.
And openly, without remorse,
I let my sorrow takes its course.

So those of you who can’t abide
a man you’ve seen who’s often cried,
reach out to him with all your heart
as one whose life’s been torn apart.

For men DO cry when they can see
their loss of immortality.
And tears will come in endless streams
when mindless fate destroys their dreams.

Ken has been a member of the Northwest Connecticut Chapter of The Compassionate Friends

“Ways to Support a Grieving Dad” Part 2 of 2

Continued from our blog posting on Friday, June 3rd…

“Ways to Support a Grieving Dad” Part 2 of 2 (Posted May 23, 2011 by GrievingDads) Written by Kelly Farley:

I was recently asked to write a short article on ways to support a grieving dad and thought I would share the article here on this blog.

Positive Ways to Support a Grieving Dad

As a result of the Grieving Dads Project, I have spoken to hundreds of grieving dads and the one thing I have learned is people need to tell their story. Not only do they need to tell their story, they need to be allowed to share their emotions while telling their story. The following are a few ways to provide support to the Grieving Dads you may know:

1. Encourage them to talk about what they are feeling and thinking (even the really dark stuff).

2. Remind them that they are not alone.

3. Let them speak openly about their pain.

4. Do not try to solve their problems and be a good listener.

5. Encourage them to find support groups for men. These groups could be grief related or a group of men that are all dealing with various life struggles.

6. Do not push them through their grief and allow them to tell their stories.

7. Allow them the time to process what has happen to them.

8. Allow them to turn to or away from their faith as needed.

9. If they start to cry, let them, it helps cleanse the soul.

10. Let them know you are there for them at anytime of the day, and mean it.

Keep in mind that people who are grieving are ultra sensitive so it is important to think before you speak. Understand how your words may be interrupted by the receiver. If you really don’t know what to say, say nothing. There is healing in silence so it is better to sit quietly and listen than to fill the air with words that are not helpful.

Any other suggestions on how to help a grieving dad (or mom)?

Kelly’s website: http://www.grievingdads.com/

Kelly’s blog: http://www.grievingdads.wordpress.com/