WHEN MOTHER'S DAY HURTS Part 3 of 3

~ Karla Helbert, MS, LPC, Grief, Loss & Bereavement Expert

In our society where mourning is no longer a widespread or open practice (though I am working hard, along with likeminded friends and colleagues to change that), other community members may not always feel they can openly discuss “the departed.”

If you know someone whose mother has died, or if you knew his or her mother, perhaps sending a white flower in memory of their mother may be a lovely gesture. You might also consider sending a card or letter, or making a phone call specifically to share memories of that person’s mother. Taking a moment to let her child know how much she meant to you, can be very comforting. If you know a young child whose mother has died, acknowledge that child’s pain and let that child know that you are a safe person to talk to. Again, sharing memories of the child’s mother can let that child know how much his or her mom meant to others.

For all of us, childless mothers and motherless children alike, planning a way to remember our deeply cherished loved ones is very important:

• • Make a plan that will honor your mother’s or your child’s life
• • Acknowledge their presence in your life, your heart and your mind.
• • Honor your love for them, as well as the pain you feel due to their absence.
• • Create new traditions for this day: light a candle, say a prayer, or wear a flower.
• • You might wish to donate to a charity in your child’s or your mother’s name
• Plan a visit to the burial site, plant a tree, create a work of art or start a scrapbook.
• Read your child or mom’s favorite book, watch their favorite movies, listen to songs they loved.
• Name a star after your child, make his or her favorite food, plan a balloon release with notes to him or her written on the balloons.

No matter what, you are always a mother. And no matter what, your mother is always your mother. We can remember them with love.

I vividly recall the first Mother’s Day after my son died. It was a very sad, painful day. The beauty of spring itself seemed to exist solely to mock my childless arms. On that day, my husband and I planted a tree in our backyard. I had originally planned to plant a tree for our son so that he could watch the tree grow as he grew. Instead, we planted the tree in his memory. The choosing of the tree, bringing it home, digging the hole, and the placement of the tree itself, were all acts that meant more than the simple planting of a tree. The act was elevated to ritual status and was very healing and comforting. I placed special stones around the tree, hung wind chimes and placed special ornaments in and around the tree. Caring for the tree has become a way of demonstrating our on-going love for him. Weeding, decorating the area, watering and fertilizing the tree have allowed for that loving memorial to continue. The tree is visible in our back yard from every window that looks out of the back of our house; kitchen, living room, bathroom, hallway, office.

While nothing takes away the pain of missing my child, the ritual we created together to honor his memory made that first Mother’s Day more bearable, and is a constant reminder of our love for him. Seeing the tree bloom each spring and watching it grow a little taller and stronger with each passing year underscore the tree’s symbolic representation of our ever-present love for him and his presence in our family.

If you anticipate that Mother’s Day will be difficult for you, whatever your personal circumstances, spend some time making a plan for honoring, remembering and memorializing. Think about doing something to care for yourself as well. Self-care gifts such as massage, manicure, pedicure, can all help to alleviate stress. Ask for what you need. Taking time to be alone, to journal, to take a walk, spend time in nature, or simply to rest can be very helpful. If you need support, ask for it. If you worry that no one will do anything for you on Mother’s Day, be pro-active and tell your loved ones what you would like to do to observe the day. Plan a lunch or dinner with supportive friends or family.

Give yourself permission to do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

And know that your sisters in grief will be thinking of you and sending you their love...

Feeling overwhelmed and out of control" It's OK - it's normal..

by Cherie Houston

When we first learn our child has died and all our dreams for the future for them are gone, no matter their age or the circumstances, our bodies and minds go into a protective mode. Some call it total numbness or shock, but no matter what it is called, it's normal..

That state of shock or numbness is what allows us the time we need to get through those first days, weeks and months. You may or many not remember some or all of those first days, and that too is OK – in time you may.

As the initial shock and numbness begins to fade, you may not recognize what you feel – you may simply feel overwhelmed and confused and again, that’s OK and very normal. It is impossible to love someone as much as we love our children – from the moment we realize we will be bringing life into this world or for those children who may be well into adulthood, middle age themselves or even older – they are still our children… So it is impossible to say goodbye and not feel overwhelmed, confused and much much more - the list of emotions you will feel is very long...

It's not healthy to bottle these feelings up – they are all normal and if you do try to avoid them or suppress them, you may find yourself feeling even more out of control and experts say that trying to avoid or suppress the grief, most will significantly impact their own health in a very negative way...

For many of us, we might find ourselves lashing out at others when we don’t mean to or that we explode at the simplest deviation from the normal. Nothing is normal as we knew it before our child's death anymore... But remember, during the grieving process, our bodies and minds are almost like a steaming tea kettle or pressure cooker and the variety of feelings and emotions we experience create an immense physical amount of pressure - some refer to it as the "pressure cooker effect". All of these feelings need to be released so that we don’t continue in the frustrating cycle of exploding, being upset by our explosions, building up pressure, and exploding again and again.

Here are some ways you can put some motion to your emotions:

• Acknowledge how much your grief hurts. There is no denying it or ignoring it. Try to live through it, not avoid it. By acknowledging the pain of grief, you heal the hurting. How do you do this? Tell a trusted friend what it feels like. Write it down in a note to yourself. Share what you are experiencing with a counselor or minister or support group. Say it to yourself. Notice what hurts you. Don’t try to figure it out or make it make sense; just notice it.



• Acknowledge your expectations of yourself and others. Make sure you understand what others expect of you and be equally clear in stating your own expectations. Don’t put added pressures on yourself by demanding more than you are able to do. For instance, acknowledge that you expect to be distracted and less efficient at work. Let others know that you intend to make time to walk every other day. Be clear that you may not host the next family festivity because you just don’t want to take on all that extra work right now.



• Find appropriate outlets for the energy that anger gives you. Pound a pillow, weed a garden, yell in the shower, hit golf balls. Lock yourself in your car and scream as loudly as you want to. Hit something soft, and hit it hard. Bang on a piano. Draw a wild picture. Throw things. Have a water fight with a friend. Sounds silly, but trust me - it helps..



• Writing down your thoughts and feelings might help. Don’t get uptight about keeping a journal; only keep a journal if you enjoy that. Otherwise, simply jot down your feelings. You don’t even have to use complete sentences if you don’t want to. If you make notes every day, it will encourage you to go back in several weeks and read them and see how far you have come.


Initially, many of us can't even bear to hear our child’s name or look at their pictures or favorite things without falling apart completely - for others, those things are all we want.. But no matter how you feel initially, there will come a time when those "memories" will warm your heart, so don't get rid of them... When you are ready, consider creating a memory book, a memory box, memory quilt or other special way to keep your memories together to visit in the future.. when you are ready.. At first you might not be able to do this, but little by little as you run across things that are special to you and your child, have a place to store them, so when you are ready, you can hold them once again and smile… You might include special photographs, mementos, letters and bits and pieces of your loved one’s life that remind you of the joy you shared. Ask others to share their memories with you as well. In fact, ask someone to help you gather and organize these things; this kind of task might be overwhelming to you without someone’s help.

Remember – grief is the price we pay for loving someone – so it’s not a bad thing, it's normal… We all grieve differently – there are no right and wrong ways to grieve and there is no time limit or natural progression no matter what you might have been told. We each grieve differently and we grieve differently for different people in our lives that we love - our parents, siblings, relatives, friends and the worst grief of all is that for our children, because it defies all that we believe to be normal - we should never outlive our children. But some of us will and have.

Be gentle and patient with yourself and those around you… And remember, you will get through this, one small step at a time…

I’m tired of grieving and feeling this pain!

~ by Cherie Houston

I’ve kept diaries/daily journals since I was in high school… Recently I was looking through some old journals and came upon an entry I'd made January 3rd, 1973, 5 months and 3 days after the death of my daughter "Robin Marie" who was my second daughter to die. Robin died of SIDS when she was almost 8 months old. The entry on that day reads: “I just can’t take this pain anymore; I am so tired of grieving and hurting so badly, if I don’t stop I am going to drown and I want to become a mom again for Ricky (who was my first born and only 21 mos. old the day of that entry) and be happy again”

I certainly don’t remember that day, but I do remember feeling that sense of dread and drowning at different times after the deaths of all three of my children - Randee Marie who was hours old when she died March 17, 1971; Robin and then my son Bobby, who died just 18 months ago when he took his own life on September 19th, 2009..

When I read the entries now in my journals, especially this one after Robin, I see that my entries and my life always began to change once I admitted to myself that I didn’t want to continue to feel the horrific pain I was feeling… The change is especially obvious after that entry following Robin’s death - soon after I became pregnant with my son Bobby, my little boy Ric began sleeping through the night and he seemed so much happier and was really thriving… Whether I realized it at the time or not, I’d obviously made a conscious or subconscious decision to “let go & move forward”

We can’t just wish this pain away - we can't avoid the journey of mourning. Grieving is necessary to heal our minds and our spirits. No matter what you’ve read or heard, grief involves the whole person—our bodies, our minds, our emotions and our souls… Unfortuantely, there aren’t any rules, so that if and when we follow certain steps, one after another, we will ease our grief and complete our journey more quickly! We can’t simply deal with one emotion or feeling and then move on to the next step. We can’t deal with the anger and denial for a certain period of time and then again, move on to the next “step” on the list… No we don’t resign ourselves to their being gone and all the sorrow that comes with that realization that they are gone and never coming back - we don't face that and then just move on to the next “step” No that isn’t what happens..

Instead, all of these emotions are like the tide – they will flow back and forth between each and all of these emotions (and so many more that I haven’t even mentioned) and they will continue back and forth for quite some time. Then many months or years later we may come to the end of our grief journey.

The intensity and duration of our grief journey will always vary and it will always vary depending on who has died – a parent, sibling, spouse, friend, or worst yet - one of our children. For those of us who lose a child, I’m not sure that journey ever ends-I think it just becomes different…

No, we will never forget and understand that no child can or will ever be replaced. But what I have learned since the deaths of my children, is that in order to let go of the pain and move forward, I had to find a special place in my heart and my mind for my children who had gone before me.. And that special place in my heart and mind becomes protected by new memories and joys, that allow me to then visit that place without the overwhelming pain that controlled me in the beginning of each of those journeys...

I hope you can find ways to allow yourself to move forward and to create new memories and joys that will also protect the memories of your child who has gone before you..

How to Make It Through the Night

Often those of us who are grieving, pretend during the daytime that our loved one is simply away or working; special occasions make that harder to do. But the nighttime can often be the loneliest time – the loneliness for them can descends like a shroud and there is no escape – e wonder how we can get to sleep more easily and how do we handle those long hours in the middle of the night when we wake and can’t get back to sleep?

Over time, lack of sleep or fitful sleeping can take a toll on physical well-being. Author Marta Felber knows from personal experience that nights can be long and sleepless following the death of a loved one. Here Marta shares what she did to sleep better and stay healthy after her husband’s death. How do you cope with grief and insomnia? These are some ideas for getting to sleep and surviving the long nights ~ By Marta Felber

STICK TO A REGULAR SCHEDULE. Have a set time to go to bed, a radio alarm to wake you at the same time every morning. Get up, regardless of how little sleep you have had. Maybe take an early afternoon nap, not longer than 30 minutes; set the timer.

GET REGULAR EXERCISE EVERYDAY, but not within 3 hours of going to bed. Exercise relieves stress and may help you relax and fall asleep.

AVOID CAFFEINE AND ALCOHOL. Caffeine is a stimulant that can interfere with sleep patterns. In addition to regular coffee, there are measurable amounts of caffeine in chocolate, some soft drinks and non-herbal tea. Alcohol also disturbs sleep patterns.

EAT LIGHT AT THE EVENING MEAL. Have a carbohydrate snack about an hour before bedtime. Also try a glass of milk.

AVOID SLEEPING PILLS. It is too easy to become dependent and too difficult to get off them.

GET SUNLIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON. It helps your body’s natural clock let you sleep at night.

CREATE A SLEEP-PRODUCING ATMOSPHERE. Low lighting, soothing music, a tepid bath, deep breathing, visualization of a beautiful setting, relaxation of body muscles or inspirational reading. Develop a nightly ritual of the things that work for you.

BESIDE YOUR BED, for those long wakeful hours, put dull reading material, a journal to record your feelings or dreams, note cards, a note pad for “to do” lists, a manicure set and a radio for late night talk shows and music.

IF ALL ELSE FAILS, go to the kitchen and make hot chocolate, adding marshmallows. Sip slowly, listen to the night sounds, look for the moon, the stars. Remember that nighttime is a good time for crying, and crying is healing.

You only need to get through one night at a time. You can do this. When you wake during the night, you will determine if you need to cry, get busy, prepare food or just feel God’s presence and a place of peace. Morning will come.