Is Crying a Requirement in Grieving?

I just came across this article that I'd cut out some time ago.  So many articles we've shared like this one, are just simple reminders that "grief is unique" the way in which we grieve is different for each and every one of us.  There are so many variables (who we lost, the circumstances, who've we've lost before, our past experiences with grief - yes there are so many variables)

Grief and the grieving process will also change along the journey - like each river that flows - grief charts it's own course - there are no hard & fast rules, and there are no right or wrong ways to grieve.  Like it or not, we will each find our own way and when it's someone else's turn remember that love and patience is what they need most - just being there for them is what counts...  Cherie Houston

Question - My 34-year-old son died last year after a three-year bout with cancer. I miss him terribly, but I haven't cried about his death. Is this normal?

Response from Edward T. Creagan, M.D.

Grief is a universal human experience. Your response to grief may be highly individual, however. Crying is an important part of the grieving process for many people, but a lack of tears doesn't necessarily indicate that the grieving process has gone awry.

Many factors affect the grieving process, including:

§  The nature of the relationship with the person who died

§  The quality of the relationship

§  The time you had to prepare for the loss

§  Your own personality

It's OK if you don't feel like crying. You may simply need time and space to grieve your son's death in your own way. It's important to make sure that you're dealing with your feelings appropriately, however.

If you're isolating yourself, you're having trouble completing your usual daily activities or you feel like crying but can't, consider seeking the help of a grief counselor or other mental health provider. A counselor may suggest various behavior therapies to help you re-establish a sense of control and direction in your life. You may find comfort through a support group as well. In a few cases, short-term use of antidepressants or other medications may be warranted.

The grieving process commands respect and requires time. However, unresolved grief can lead to depression and other mental health problems. If you're concerned about reaching a healthy resolution to your grief, seek the professional help you deserve.

When a child dies, what friends & family should not do....

The death of a child is very different from that of a parent, spouse or other family member or friend.  It is an overwhelming grief that no one should ever experience.  But the reality is, it happens, and when and if it does, it's often hard to know what you should or shouldn't do to help the grieving parents...  

 

 

 

We hope these helpful hints will give you some insight - remember they need your unconditional love, support and patience and not just immediately after the loss, but during the years ahead.. and also remember that no parent "gets over the death of their child" they simply learn to live with it... Cherie Houston 

 

 

How NOT To Help A Friend Whose Child Has Died... 

~ Author Unknown

• Don't be afraid of intruding. You're not.
• Don't be afraid of offering help with daily chores or things that need to be done-Grieving parents usually have no idea what they need, so take some initiative with meals, picking up other children from school, household chores and other errands .
• Don't avoid or ignore the grieving parents. They are already grieving a loss, and losing a friend or loved one only makes their grief worse..
• Don't leave when you become uncomfortable. It will only make your friend feel worse - guilty about their grief.
• Don't avoid talking to your friend because you don't know what to say.
• Do not EVER say, "It is for the best," even if you believe it. It is trite, unfair & very hurtful.
• Don't shirk on promises - if you've agreed to do something for the grieving family, failing at your responsibilities will feel like a bigger slap in the face.
• Don't be hurt if the grieving parents say something mean or hurtful. They're not quite themselves, which means they lash out. Be patient.
• Religion is a potentially explosive way to comfort. Unless you absolutely know 100% the person will be comforted by mentions of faith, don’t go there. Religion is a very complicated thing in the wake of a child’s death, and they may be angry at God or confused as to how to incorporate the death of a child into the religion that they have known to have their best interests in mind.
• Even if the grieving parents are intensely religious, they may be having a crisis of faith in the wake of a child’s death, and they could be angered/saddened by mention of religion.
• Especially stay away from, “God wanted her more than you,” or “God needed her more." I don’t care if it is the all powerful creator of the universe, you don’t tell any Mom or Dad that anyone wants their child more than they do.
• So many people hate seeing their loved ones in such pain and want to fix it. Consequently, they start talking about how you have to move on, that you will see them again, the child is with God, it will get better in time, etc. - all things they think will “fix it.” Don’t try to do this-believe me, those comments don't "fix" anything.
• Don't be afraid to bring up the lost child - the grieving parents will already be thinking of their child and talking about their child actually helps them in their grief..
• If your friend doesn't want to discuss their lost child or their feelings, accept that and move on to another topic.
• Don't say, "I know how you feel," because you do not. It minimizes the grief and grieving they're going through.
• Don't say, "I don't know how you do it." Your friend does it because he or she has to.
• Don't mention silver linings. That feels condescending and rude.
• Don't put a time-table on grief. No one knows how long it will take to grieve the loss of a child, so don't expect that your friend will simply "get over it" in a specific period of time. They won't.
• Don't refer to the child in impersonal ways - instead, use the child's name. It may feel uncomfortable to you, but it will remind your friend that the world has not, in fact, forgotten their lost child.
• Don't forget about the siblings of the lost child. Not only have they lost a brother or sister, they've lost their parents during the grieving process.
• Never discount your gut. If your friend seems to be suicidal or is beginning to isolate, seek professional help.
• Don't forget the anniversary dates - almost no one remembers the second anniversary of a child's death. This makes parents feel as though the world has forgotten their child and that only adds to their pain and heartache.
• Don’t be afraid to show emotion. Many people feel they have to be strong for their friends, that they can’t cry or show emotion. You can be strong AND be emotional. If tears come, don’t fight them. This shows your friends that you, too, are crushed and sad and lost

Grandparent Grief - Helping Your Grieving Child (part 3 of 3)

Grandparent Grief - Helping Your Grieving Child (part 3 of 3)  Continued from Blog Posting on October 1st, 2012..

~ By Margaret H. Gerner

What Can We Do

 Encourage Talking - Like you, bereaved parents have a strong need to talk about what they think and feel. Encourage talking. Never say, "You shouldn't say that." Allow them to talk about their child and about their child's death.

Allow your Child to Cry - Crying, even sobbing, is healthy and necessary. Repressed tears can lead to a host of physical ailments. Tears are helpful in getting out the pain and releasing pent up stress. Never say, "control yourself." Avoid worrying about what other people will think if your child cries in front of them. Your child is not there to take care of others. Remember, this bout of crying will pass, and while it may disturb you for awhile, your child will feel better. Crying with your child can be therapeutic for both of you.

Talk about your Grandchild - Don't worry that it will make your child cry. You don't remind her of her child. He is on her mind most of the time, anyway. Talking about the child tells her you care. If she cries, she is crying because her child is dead, not because you brought it up. Actually, the tears you may help to precipitate can be good for her.

Listen to your Bereaved Child - The greatest gift you can give your child is a listen. Few bereaved parents have someone who will listen to stories about their child or to how guilty or angry they feel. You can be that listener. Even if you have not had open communication with your child up to now, you can change that. One of the most talked-about subjects in groups of young bereaved parents is the lack of understanding from their parents. If you really listen, you'll understand. Your child needs you to listen and needs you terribly.

Non-judgmental listening. Our generation has been taught to:  "Control" ourselves, keep feelings inside, that the person who doesn't talk about the loss of a loved one and who doesn't cry is doing "well". These ideas are wrong, and certainly not helpful. We now know that suppressed grief is unhealthy, both emotionally and physically.

At the same time, we have been taught to love, to help others, to grow and adjust. We've been taught to be creative and try new things. You can use these positive teachings in listening to and loving your child.  A lot of what your child may say and feel will seem irrational. Just putting these things into words helps them to realize how illogical these thought may be. Just let them speak and discover for themselves.

Physical support is important. you can certainly help your child in this respect if you live close by. The fatigue that is part of grief is debilitating. In many cases your child is maintaining a full time job as well as keeping a home. Many have surviving children to care for as well. Help with laundry, cooking meals, shopping, running errands. But ask first. Having someone suddenly take over your household can only add to the stress.

Take the surviving children for a day or afternoon. This will give your bereaved child some time. the grandchildren might enjoy it, too. This gives them an opportunity to be away from the constant sadness that is likely to permeate their home and have a day with a good grandparent. When they are with you, if they want to talk about their dead sibling, by all means, practice your listening skills.

Physically hold your child. We are willing to bet there are times when your child would love to crawl up on "mommie's" or "daddy's" lap to be comforted as in years past. Be aware of this and actually allow it in any way possible. Even a hand on an arm means a lot. The need to be held is stronger during tears or an especially hard time. Many times, your child may not be aware of wanting to be held, but you can't take the initiative, for sons as well as daughters.

The real benefit is that you feel you are doing something to help, not just sitting back helplessly watching your child suffer. It's perfectly all right to offer your lap as well as your hands, shoulders, heart and tears.  Your child is now and will always be “your child”…

Grandparent Grief-Helping Your Grieving Child (Part 1 of 3)

GRANDPARENT GRIEF-Helping your Grieving Child (Part 1 of 3)

~ by Margaret H. Gerner

I am powerlessness. I am helplessness. I am frustration. I sit with her and I cry with her. She cries for her daughter and I cry for mine. I can't help her. I can't reach inside her and take her broken heart. I must watch her suffer day after day.

I listen to her tell me over and over how she misses Emily, how she wants her back. I can't bring Emily back for her. I can't buy her an even better Emily than she had, like I could buy her an even better toy when she was a child. I can't kiss the hurt and make it go away. I can't even kiss even a small part of it away. There's no band aid large enough to cover her bleeding heart.

There was a time I could listen to her talk about a fickle boyfriend and tell her it would be okay, and know in my heart that in two weeks she wouldn't even think of him. Can I tell her it'll be okay in two years when I know it will never be okay, that she will carry this pain of "what might have been" in her deepest heart for the rest of her life?

I see this young woman, my child, who was once carefree and fun-loving and bubbling with life, slumped in a chair with her eyes full of agony. Where is my power now? Where is my mother's bag of tricks that will make it all better.  Why can't I join her in the aloneness of her grief? As tight as my arms wrap around her, I can't reach that aloneness.

What can I give her to make her better? A cold, wet cloth will ease the swelling of her crying eyes, but it won't stop the reason for her tears. What treat will bring joy back to her? What prize will bring that happy child smile back? Where are the magic words to give her comfort? What chapter in Dr. Spock tells me how to do this? He has told me everything else I've needed to know.

Where are the answers?  I should have them.  I'm the mother.

I know that someday she'll find happiness again, that her life will have meaning again. I can hold out hope for her someday, but what about now? this minute? this hour? this day?  I can give her my love and my prayers and my care and my concern. I could give her my life. But even that won't help.

I wrote this piece out of deep feelings of powerlessness. It seemed that no matter what I did, I could not take away my daughter's pain at the death of her 3 year old daughter, Emily. Were that not enough, I was devastated by my own grief at the loss of my precious granddaughter.

I could relate to my daughter's pain. I, too, had lost a child. In 1971 my six year old son, Arthur, was killed by an automobile. At that time there were no support groups that I knew of. I didn't know how to grieve or that what I was feeling was normal. I thought I was losing my mind. The psychiatrist I saw after Arthur's death reinforced my belief by giving me drugs for my "depression".

I tried to do what people told me to do; count my blessings and be "strong." That meant not talking about Arthur, not crying, and not expressing any other emotions I felt. The result was five years of distorted, prolonged grief which eventually had to be resolved with the help of a professional who had training in bereavement.

When my daughter lost her child -- that very day in the hospital, with Emily growing cold under my hands -- I swore this would not happen to Dorothy. I didn't know how, but I knew I was going to do everything possible to help her. I knew what she had ahead of her.

I was shattered by Emily's death, but my grief lessened sooner than Dorothy's. Since Emily was not my child, I recovered many months ahead of my daughter. What didn't lessen was seeing Dorothy's pain. That continues, at times, even today.

As a parent of a grieving child, you have a unique opportunity to cement a deep and lasting relationship with your child.

ü         You have the opportunity to walk with your child through the most difficult life experience they will endure.

ü         You have the opportunity to help your child in a very special way and the bond that forms will never be broken.

ü         It will not be easy, and the process is long and hard. You will feel powerless, frustrated and helpless many times.

But you CAN help!

~ Reprinted from "Centering Corporation pamphlet For Bereaved Grandparents".
 This series is continued in our next Blog Posting – Part 2 of 3, on October 1, 2012

When a Child Dies - The parent-child bond lives on

~ by Cherie Houston

I think most parents will agree that the parent-child bond is one of the most meaningful and strongest relationships that we have or will ever experience.  For those of us who have had the painful experience of losing a child, most of us will tell you that despite their death, that strong incredible parent-child bond lives on forever…

Personally I know that with the deaths of each of my three children, I truly felt as though a part of me also died with each of them; but conversely I can tell you that the bond I felt to each of them continues on today and I know that it always will.  For my 2 little girls it’s been quite some time since they died: RandeeMarie died in 1971; Robin Marie 16 months later later in 1972 and sadly, my third child, our 36 year old son Bobby, took his own life quite recently September 19^th, 2009 leaving 2 beautiful little boys and a wonderful wife..  Time does soften the pain, but I can’t imagine any other pain that comes close to that which we experience after the deaths of our children, there simply is none.  And I can tell you I’ve experienced some large “what others might consider life shattering losses” 2 divorces, our home in a fire, deaths of close friends and family members, including my grandmother whom I could never imagine my life without… Yet as horrible as those events seemed at the time, none can begin to compare with the deaths of my children…

It’s simple – as parents, we are simply not meant to outlive our children and when we do, the pain we feel is unimaginable…

And I can tell you from experience that the length of a child’s life doesn’t impact the size of the loss..

·         From the moment we conceive and introduce those around us to this new life that we are expecting as we announce our pregnancy, or if we are blessed to spend many years enjoying relationships with our children into their adulthood – it makes no difference – the death of a child is horrible and often the most unbearable experience of our life… 

·         When the children are young - babies, toddlers or very young, our children’s deaths can change every aspect of our day-to-day life and the emptiness we feel seems insurmountable because so much of what we do each and every day revolves around them and their every need...  

·         When are children are older, teens and young adults - maybe they were getting ready to go into junior high, high school or off to college or their first job – their deaths seems so terribly unfair – we’ve worked so hard to raise them and to have them die just as they are ready to embark on the best and most exciting years of their lives – Why? How can it be that they are now gone and will never be able to reach the potential we imagined for them or that they've worked to hard for...

·         For those of us who have lost adult children – as parents we often experience not only the unbearable loss of our own child but for many of us we have to stand by and watch the heartache and pain that our children’s children and spouse have to deal with; for many of us we often lose not only our child but someone who has become a close and trusted friend with whom we’ve shared an irreplaceable emotional support… 

·         Yes, every child is unique, and for those blessed to have other children – whether it’s one or a dozen, the child we have lost cannot be replaced, and having other children in no way diminishes the painful loss of our child

·         But, for those parents who lose their only child – the loss is different again – some feel they’ve lost their identity - they don't feel as though they are parents anymore, for some they've lost the hope of becoming a grandparent - for many they feel as though their entire future is in jeopardy…

Yes when our children die, a part of our future dies with them, but I believe with all that I am that the parent-child bond lives on forever…

As the pain begins to soften, and it will – hopefully we will each find a way to bring our children along with us into the future..  For some it might be as simple as speaking their name from time to time at family and social gatherings – those who love and care about you will understand (and if not, it’s their problem not yours); for others it will be doing things in their children’s memory – maybe helping others who are ill or grieving; or helping at a school or after-school program; there are no right or wrong ways – but it’s up to us to continue to live the fullest life we can while we are here – that is how we honor their memory… 

As the pain softens, you will find yourself smiling thru the tears as you celebrate their time with you, no matter how long that may have been – because no matter how long, we all agree that it is never long enough…