Stop Looking in the rear view mirror... 

~ by Cherie Houston

I originally wrote this in the Fall of 2011 - and must admit I read it quite often to remind myself of the importance of "looking ahead"..  Two weeks ago, the 5th year anniversary of my 36 year old son Bobby's death came-we had a memorial mass and most of our family joined us for breakfast including all 12 of our grandchildren, 2 of whom are his little boys.. I have to admit that these last six months have been very difficult for me - who knows, maybe I'm finally facing the reality of it all...  But I know I'm not alone, so I thought I'd share this with you again and hope that you can find it helpful.. and now that none of us is alone on this unpredictable journey of finding that new normal after the deaths of our children...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Within months of our son Bobby’s death in September 2009, my daughter-in-law Jennifer (Bobby’s wife) and I and several friends met this amazing woman – Maureen Hancock…Maureen is blessed with several talents, one of which is helping people who are dying to become comfortable with what’s happening – the majority of her clients are children… Maureen is blessed, without a question, in being able to understand their fears and concerns which almost always have to do with the family they will soon be leaving behind..

Recently, Maureen made the following statement about one of her patients..

I met the bravest woman last week~Mary A. She's down to the wire with her battle with ALS. She has a beautiful family that surrounds her in blankets of love. Her one question..."Will I get to see my children grow up?" YES! I assured her. For all those healthy & reading this w/children...are you watching them grow up? Don't live to work, work to live. Maureen Hancock

When I heard this, I thought of all of us who have lost our own children who often become so lost in our own grief and longing for our child who has died, that we unintentionally, but sadly forget about our family who is still living…Not that we mean to, but it is so easy to dwell on what we’ve lost, that sometimes we lose sight of what we still have…  

It’s so important to begin to look and move forward – we can’t change what’s happened or what is behind us, but we can certainly have an impact on what is happening today at this moment and appreciate all the blessings we have – our own siblings, our significant others, maybe we are even blessed to have other children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, our own parents or in-laws, friends, associates – so many people who care about us..

Yes we all need to think about spending a little more time looking ahead instead of in the rear view mirror before it’s too late…

Thank you Maureen for this reminder...

Maureen Hancock is a nationally renowned spirit medium, teacher, lecturer, holistic healer, and author of the book, The Medium Next Door; co-founder of the non-profit organization, Mission for the Missing, providing assistance and equipment in missing children and adult cases. Maureen is an associate member of the Licensed Private Detective Association of Massachusetts. She has been featured in numerous articles and can be heard on radio stations around the country - she resides in a small town south of Boston, Massachusetts with her husband, two children and chocolate lab, Ally. Maureen, in my opinion is amazing..
check out Maureen's website:

www.maureenhancock.com

TEARS, TALK, TIME, AND TOMORROWS

Lovingly written By Debbie Landsman

TEARS, TALK, TIME, AND TOMORROWS

I never thought I could go on living when you died, but…….I did.

I never thought I would survive after burying you, but……I did.

I never thought I’d get through those first days, weeks, months, but…….I did.

I never thought I’d be able to endure the first anniversary of your death, but….I did.

I never thought I’d let myself love my new grandchild, but…..I have.

I never thought tomorrow would be different, but…….it was.

I never thought I’d stop crying for a day, but…….I have.

I never thought the pain would ‘soften’, but…… it has.

I never thought I’d care if the sun shone again, but……I do.

I never thought I’d ever entertain again, but….I have.

I never thought I’d be able to control my grief, but…..I can.

I never thought I could function without medication again, but…..I can.

I never thought I could function without medication again, but…..I can.

I never thought I’d smile again, but…..I do.

I never thought I’d laugh out loud again, but…..I do.

I never thought I’d look forward to tomorrow, but…..I do.

I never thought I’d reconcile your death, but…..I have.

I never thought I’d be able to create that ‘new normal’, but I have.

I never thought I’d be able to go on living after you died, but…..I do…….

Always missing you, always loving you, and thinking of you daily with a smile on my face….

And tears on my heart.

Gratitude: The Key to Happiness

~ by Richard Edler, The Compassionate Friends

I am convinced that the real key to happiness is gratitude. I did not come upon this insight, I learned it from Dennis Prager, a wonderful and gifted man who is both author and talk show host for KNBC radio in Los Angeles. I give him all the credit. But I have thought a lot about this idea after my son, Mark, died seven years ago.

At first, I was offended by people who smiled or even laughed during the TCF support group meetings. These were the people who seemed to have somehow re-entered the land of the living. How dare they greet each other with hugs. How dare they laugh. How dare they appear normal when their children have died. But over the last seven years I have learned three valuable lessons.

Life goes on and we must too. Gradually the pain eases and the warm memories replace the sadness. A Gradually we return to life. One day we find that it is 11:00in the morning and we have not thought about our child yet. At first we feel guilt. But then we also realize we are going forward. We will never forget. But we decide that the loss of our child will not be the all-consuming factor in our life. We choose to enjoy friends again. We choose to go out to dinner again. We choose to laugh again. I am convinced that this is what our children would want for us. The pain does not bring our child back. It only makes us miserable without end.

Become grateful for what we have, not focused on what we lost. I see people in group meetings who have gong through “every parent’s nightmare” and want no part of life again. But, I ask that these compassionate friends also think about the ways they have been blessed, as well as hurt. In my experience, most people have more to be thankful for than they realize: health, other children, a loving family, a career they enjoy, financial security, life in a free country, a faith that works for them, a true best friend, a spouse who they love. Nobody has it all. But compared to most of the world, we have a lot.

The life we now lead will be better than it would have been. That does not make our child’s death a good thing. It just means that our child’s life mattered, and it has changed us forever. It means that in some small way the world will be better because our child lived, and we are the ones who can make it so. We have a new sense of priorities. We don’t “sweat the small stuff.” We know what matters, we know how deeply other people hurt, because we, too, have been there. We “know how they feel.” And when our life is different and better because our child lived, then that child is never forgotten.

Each of us would do anything in the world to go back in time, but we can’t. It is up to us now to go forward, and we can.

I'm Free

Several days ago in my post I'd mentioned how sad I'd been and now I wonder if it wasn't a premonition of things to come... I'd just finished writing that post when we learned that family friends for many years had tragically lost their wonderful 38 year old son Keith the night before - apparently a massive heart attack.  

On Friday this week, May 27th, Keith and his high school sweetheart Brenda would have celebrated their 16th wedding anniversary with their 2 beautiful girls Kristen & Kayla who are only 12 & 14... Keith's parents, our friends, Dan and Sue and Keith's brother Kevin, his wife Patti & their son Marc and Keith's entire family are shocked and in so much pain, a pain that we each know only too well.. (So please keep them in your prayers)

When we arrived for Keith's services last Thursday evening, Keith's parents, Sue & Dan both said the same thing to us "Déjà vu" and sadly it was.. Coincidentally, the night of Keith's service, was also that of my son Bob's 20 month anniversary... Why does this happen? Who knows, but we all know it's not fair - no parent should ever have to bury a child.. Yes Keith, like Bobby, and all of our children no matter their age, are and were were much too young to go before us, but it wasn't to be...

As the priest spoke at Keith's service, it saddened me to know that more moms and dads would continue to join this horrible club - just as each of us have. Thank God we don't know who or when, and we can't change it, it is just life.. like it or not... But what we can change is making sure that each and every new member of this club - the mom's and dad who find themselves in our position, know that they aren't alone and that together, with each other to lean on, we will make it - we will move forward and celebrate our children's lives and legacy, taking comfort that they are waiting for us and we will see them again. I believe that most if not all of our children, if they could speak to us once in heaven, would tell us words similar to those in this poem....

Note-Friday May 20th, the day after Keith's service-Dan & Sue's only other child-their 41 yr. old son Kevin had a heart attack and is currently at a hospital in Boston-please keep Kevin and the entire Carlisle family in your prayers... we just never know...

I'M FREE
~ By Linda Jo Jackson
 Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free
I'm following the path God laid for me.
I took His hand when I heard him call;
I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way;
I found that place at the close of day.

If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared a laugh, a kiss;
Ah yes, these things, I too will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full, I savored much;
Good friends, good times, a loved ones touch.

Perhaps my time seems all to brief;
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me,
God wanted me now, He set me free.

What is moving on??

~~ by Cherie Houston

Isn’t it amazing how often since our child’s death, so many around us encourage us to begin “moving on”, as though since our child’s death, we had simply stopped someplace on our life’s journey for a brief visit and will now “move on” to whatever’s next!

As many of you know, I’ve lost 3 children: 2 little girls, Randee in March 1971 and Robin in July 1972 and then our 36 year old son Bobby Sept. 19, 2009. Since our first daughter Randee died, I’ve never met a parent who has lost a child that wanted to “move on” during those first days, weeks and months. For us, when the loss of our child is new, we want to stay right where we are thank you.

Don’t misunderstand, that certainly doesn’t mean we enjoy the pain  ~  believe me, we don’t!  But, in some strange way, the pain wraps around us, almost like a cocoon.  Inside that cocoon there is a strange sense of safety that allows us to think of no one or anything other than our child who has died.  For a time that is what and where we need to be - there is no way we are moving anywhere but in that place!!

In the weeks and months ahead, the cocoon seems to get thinner and other thoughts begin to invade our space.  Briefly at first, but other thoughts begin to enter – thoughts of other family members, friends, our homes, our jobs and eventually the world around us. Still the tthoughts of our child prevail, but little by little they begin to mingle with other thoughts – first briefly and as time goes on, they increase without our even noticing...

At first, we may (not may-I believe we will) resent those other thoughts from invading our cocoon, but little by little we begin to welcome them. Those other thoughts give us some rest from our overwhelming pain. In time, we begin to realize that our cocoon is falling away - slowly - but it is beginning to dissipate.

Yes, slowly we are once again getting new wings back and although we may still not be ready to fly and “move on” like it or not, involuntarily our wings are beginning to grow and flutter… We have begun a normal metamorphosis - I guess this is the beginning of our journey from mourning to joy...

Eventually there will come a time when we realize that throughout our day, our thoughts of our child or children who have died, are now in balance with all our other thoughts.  Our thoughts of them no longer prevail. To me, that is when I realized after the death of each of my three children that like it or not, I was in fact “moving on”.

Moving on isn’t a negative thought to me, it was a time in my grief process that I welcomed – for me it’s much too painful not to move on.  Personally, I couldn't and didn't want to remain in that cocoon was the pain was overwhelming and I felt as though I couldn't catch my breath - the sense of drowning is how many describe that initial feeling..

Maybe it’s a matter of survival, but I welcomed the time when I knew I would be able to remember my three children who were no longer with us, and to remember them along with, not in place of, all my other blessings: my other children, my grandchildren, my incredible husband, our wonderful family and friends and all that we’ve been blessed with…  Yes, I welcomed that day...

“Moving on” is not forgetting or ignoring our past or treating it as if it didn't exist. Instead it means we are willingly taking our past along with us. Each part of our past, whether happy or sad, good or bad, becomes part of who we are today…

As the song says “Moving on is hard to do” but it’s so important and such a vital part of allowing us to look forward to our tomorrows. It also allows us to honor our children who have gone before us and for those of us who have been blessed with other children to cherish; it certainly helps us honor them as well…

Enjoy today and all your blessings, large & small.. I have come to believe that “moving on” is in itself a blessing…  Cherie Houston

What is grieving?

~ by Cherie Houston

Sadly, those of us who have lost children all know that the death of a child is a particularly difficult kind of grief. No parent ever expects their child to die before them. It is out of the natural order of things and it is something that we all agree, should never have happened. But it does happen…
To me, it seems that it’s our own personal previous experiences of loss and grief, which affects the way we grieve for our own child. Whether our child died before they were born, or when they were an infant, young child or young adult, or a much older adult child – age doesn’t matter. We all should remember though that grief is natural and it is our own unique way of expressing how we feel and cope with losing someone who was and is so important in our life. It's OK and it's NORMAL!!!

Some people think that you can only grieve for a child who has been born alive and one that you have got to know, if only for a short while – how totally ridiculous and untrue.. As a parent, we don’t begin to love our children once they enter the world – I think we begin that relationship and that love for them as soon as we know or expect that we are expecting (even if that expecting is through adoption!)… Because of this, grief is every bit as real for those parents whose children die before or shortly after they are born..

By the same token, even though our child that died might have children or even grandchildren of their own, it doesn’t mean that their death will be less devastating to us, their parents. Yes - grieving is different for each of us, but the age and circumstance of our children’s deaths doesn’t matter – they are our children, now they are gone and we have to go on living without them physically here with us. So we grieve..
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Each of us will grieve in our own way, at our own pace.

Grieving means accepting the reality of what has happened and learning to live with the change that has taken place in our lives and readjusting our dreams for the future. And this acceptance happens slowly...

Grieving isn't about forgetting our child who has died, it simply means we have to find a place for our child in our life and in our hearts. We find a way to remember our child, without losing our breath or feeling that seemingly unbearable heartbreaking pain that we felt when our child first died.

We know, that despite popular beliefs about grieving, that time alone does not heal. We’ve learned, that it is only through this journey of grieving that we begin to work through the terrible heartbreaking pain. For some parents, the loss of a baby or child years ago was not seen as a significant loss and for these parents, their grief may only be acknowledged years later when they least expect it.

It serves no purpose whatsoever to compare or judge the intensity of feelings involved in anyone else’s grief. We have to remember, that we are each different and our journey through grief will be different also ~ but we can and will survive ~ and how blessed we were to have had our children in our lives and for that we can and should be thankful…

One of These Days...as we welcome spring

One of these days....

• You will realize you got through the day without crying.
• You will bite into a piece of fruit and actually taste the sweetness.
• You will find yourself smiling.
• You will recognize again that stranger in the mirror.
• You will notice that the season has changed.
• You will feel the sun on your face.
• You will actually laugh out loud.
• You will wake and not dread the day ahead.
• You will speak your child's name and smile.
• You will come to terms that for all your questions there are NO answers!
• When you are ready, you will know you’ll be okay, not whole ever again, but okay, ONE OF THESE DAYS…..

But until that day comes, and it will,

• Try not to imagine the future: take one day at a time. Allow yourself to cry, both alone and with your family. 
• Don’t shut out other family members from your thoughts and feelings. Share these difficult times. You may all become closer for it. 
• Try to be realistic about expectations for yourself, your spouse, and other family members and friends. If each of us is unique and different try to find a good understanding.  
• When a good day comes, relish it! Don’t feel guilty and don’t be discouraged if it doesn’t last. 
• Take care of your health. Even though the mind might not care, a sick body will only compound your troubles.
• Drink lots of water, take stress type vitamins, rest (even if you don’t sleep) and get moderate exercise. Help your body to heal as well as your mind.
• Share your feelings with other compassionate friends and let them share with you. You will find that as you begin caring about the pain of others, you will start to come out of your shell…a very healthy sign. 

You Know You’re Getting Better When...

By Helen Fitzgerald, CT

Helen Fitzgerald is a Certified Thanatologist, author and lecturer. Her books include The Grieving Child: A Parents' Guide , The Mourning Handbook and The Grieving Teen . She has appeared on the CBS Morning Show and the NBC Today Show and was previously the director of training for the American Hospice Foundation. You can ask Helen a question about dealing with grief and loss by visiting Ask Helen on the American Hospice Foundation website.

The progress through grief is so slow, and so often of a "one step forward and two steps backwards" motion, that it is difficult to see signs of improvement. The following are clues that will help you to see that you are beginning to work through your grief:

• You are in touch with the finality of the death. You now know in your heart that your loved one is truly gone and will never return to this earth.

• You can review both pleasant and unpleasant memories. In early grief, memories are painful because they remind you of how much you have lost. Now it feels good to remember, and you look for people to share memories with.

• You can enjoy time alone and feel comfortable. You no longer need to have someone with you all the time or look for activities to keep you distracted.

• You can drive somewhere by yourself without crying the whole time. Driving seems to be a place where many people cry, which can be dangerous for you and other drivers.

• You are less sensitive to some of the comments people make. You realize that painful comments made by family or friends are made in ignorance.

• You look forward to holidays. Once dreaded occasions can now be anticipated with excitement, perhaps through returning to old traditions or creating new ones.

• You can reach out to help someone else in a similar situation. It is healing to be able to use your experience to help others.

• The music you shared with the one you lost is no longer painful to hear. Now, you may even find it comforting.

• You can sit through a church service without crying.

• Some time passes in which you have not thought of your loved one. When this first happens, you may panic, thinking, "I am forgetting." This is not true. You will never forget. You are giving yourself permission to go on with your life and your loved one would want you to do this.

• You can enjoy a good joke and have a good laugh without feeling guilty.

• Your eating, sleeping, and exercise patterns return to what they were beforehand.

• You no longer feel tired all the time.

• You have developed a routine or a new schedule in your daily life that does not include your loved one.

• You can concentrate on a book or favorite television program. You can even retain information you have just read or viewed.

• You no longer have to make daily or weekly trips to the cemetery. You now feel comfortable going once a month or only on holidays or other special occasions.

• You can find something to be thankful for. You always knew there were good things going on in your life, but they didn't matter much before.

• You can establish new and healthy relationships. New friends are now part of your life and you enjoy participating in activities with them.

• You feel confident again. You are in touch with your new identity and have a stronger sense of what you are going to do with the rest of your life.

• You can organize and plan your future.

• You can accept things as they are and not keep trying to return things to what they were.

• You have patience with yourself through "grief attacks." You know they are becoming further apart and less frightening and painful.

• You look forward to getting up in the morning.

• You stop to smell the flowers along the way and enjoy experiences in life that are meant to be enjoyed.

• The vacated roles that your loved one filled in your life are now being filled by yourself or others. When a loved one dies he or she leaves many "holes" in your life. Now those holes are being filled with other people and activities, although some will remain empty. You are more at ease with these changes.

• You can take the energy and time spent thinking about your loss and put those energies elsewhere, perhaps by helping others in similar situations or making concrete plans with your own life.

• You acknowledge your new life and even discover personal growth from experiencing grief.

The You Know You’re Getting Better When article was originally published on the American Hospice Foundation website. © 2002

TEARS, TALK, TIME, AND TOMORROWS

~ By Debbie Landsman

I never thought I could go on living when you died, but…….I did.
I never thought I would survive after burying you, but……I did.
I never thought I’d get through those first days, weeks, months, but…….I did.
I never thought I’d be able to endure the first anniversary of your death, but….I did.
I never thought I’d let myself love my new grandchild, but…..I have.
I never thought tomorrow would be different, but…….it was.
I never thought I’d stop crying for a day, but…….I have.
I never thought the pain would ‘soften’, but it has.
I never thought I’d care if the sun shone again, but……I do.
I never thought I’d ever entertain again, but….I have.
I never thought I’d be able to control my grief, but…..I can.
I never thought I could function without medication again, but…..I can.
I never thought I’d smile again, but…..I do.
I never thought I’d laugh out loud again, but…..I do.
I never thought I’d look forward to tomorrow, but…..I do.
I never thought I’d reconcile your death, but…..I have.
I never thought I’d be able to create that ‘new normal’, but I have.
I never thought I’d be able to go on living after you died, but…..I do…….

Always missing you, always loving you, and thinking of you daily with a smile on my face….
And tears on my heart.