Holiday Lights

I wish I could remember how and when I received this, but I don't..  But I hope you will find the message helpful as we muddle our way through what can be a very difficult month - December when we celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas.. so I want to thank the authors and hope that they won't mind my sharing it with you... as together we find our own way to find peace amongst our memories this month...Cherie Houston

Holiday Lights, written by Bettye and Sam Rosenberg, TCF, Louisville, KY

During the holiday season, both Christians and Jews light  candles in celebration of their respective faiths, and as they do so, even the darkest of rooms become warm and bright from the glow of the candle. Then, we can ask ourselves how powerful and sinister can the darkness be if it can be overcome by the light of one little candle?

There is then a message in this for all of us. When the darkness seems to overwhelm us, and it can be a mental and spiritual darkness as well as the darkness of winter night, we need to be reminded that it is powerless to withstand the smallest bit of illumination.

So, as the world grows colder and darker during these winter months, we as Compassionate Friends must do what people of many faiths have been taught to do at this season. 

Light a candle in someone’s life to make the darkness and fears flee. A little bit of light is all that most of us need, but, oh, we need that little bit so badly.

So, let us all extend a candle of light and hope not only to each other, but to the unfortunate people who, for whatever reason, become one of us this winter and will be in need of that light. It’s the least we can do and it accomplishes so much.

TOGETHER WE CAN MAKE IT.

Halloween - The dreaded holiday season is about to begin

There is no doubt that from Halloween until after the New Year, many of us who are grieving can be totally overwhelmed with emotions... even if it's been quite some time since your child died, the memories or lack of them) can haunt us and bring us back to that painful place we try so hard to move from...  

During the next  11-12 weeks we will try to share articles & experiences (some of which we've published in the past) that might help each of us prepare for and get through this difficult time..  Know that you will get through it, but being prepared can help ease your heartache and hopefully find a little...Cherie Houston.

THAT TIME OF YEAR - By Mary Cleckley -BP/USA Member at Large

It’s Halloween time again. Is that thought bothering you? It probably is, particularly if you had a little one who would have been out doing a little tricking and getting a lot of treating that night.

Or, maybe your child was too small or didn’t live to see even one Halloween. That hurts too, doesn’t it?

Sometimes we grieve for what was and sometimes we grieve for what could have been.

Maybe, like me, your child was too old for conning neighbors into treats, but it still is a hard night in the beginning. All special days and nights are. If you have small children who need

to be a part of this special night, maybe a family member or a good friend will accompany them on their appointed rounds. They’ll enjoy the evening just as much and you can

“treat” yourself by choosing to stop the world and got off for a little while. 

If you have no children at home, this may be a good time to close up shop for that one night. Take in a movie – or stay at home and give no inviting signs that say you want to participate in the festivities of the evening.

Do what is comfortable for you. One day you will be able to enjoy treating the little ones again. This just may not be the year. Isn’t it good to know our needs and abilities change as time goes by?

From Halloween until after the new arrives, know and accept that this time of year can be overwhelming, especially the first few years after your child has died, no matter their age.  Go easy on yourself and try to be patient with others - remember those around us mean well as they “encourage” us to participate during the holiday season, but remember you need to do what is right for you and those who love you will understand…

We wish you peace this season...

Hanukkah is almost over and Christmas is less than two weeks away - and whether we like it or not - the season of holidays will occur, no matter how we feel or how much our hearts are broken....

There is no doubt - the death of our children changes us forever and no matter what you've read or been told, I believe that our grieving for them will last until we join them.

But, despite our heartache, life does go on, with or without us, and for those left behind ~ our other children and family members, and ourselves & it would be even sadder for us not to find joy and peace again.

It's okay and normal to feel as we do as we grieve (and we all know the way we feel changes in a blink of any eye on this journey from mourning to joy), but between those moments of overwhelming sadness, keep a watchful eye out for that little flicker of peace and joy, that if you welcome and allow it, it will continue to grow; I wish you can find a little peace this holiday season and know and believe that joy is possible again, how could it not be..

We were blessed and given the wonderful privilege of having these children in our lives – be it for the days and weeks when we carried them, or the few moments, days or months after their birth, or for those of us who were blessed to have them for years (even though no matter how many-we all feel it was too few) until their deaths; what incredible gifts we received from them.

So from one grieving heart to another, and in memory and celebration of our children who are no longer with us in body; I wish that we all will find peace, joy and happiness again in all that surrounds us and our families, this holiday season and know without doubt that they are with us in spirit.. 

From  Cherie Houston, Joyce Floyd and all the moms who are on this Journey from Mourning to Joy...

The Holiday Army

~ by Andrea Gambill

Here it comes again — the Holiday Army — in its annual march against us. Some of its generals are called "Thanksgiving," "Christmas," "Hanukah," "New Year’s Eve" and "New Year’s Day." They are no respecters of the heartbroken and emotionally wounded, and their troops are merciless. They take no prisoners! They demand that we participate in their joy and nostalgia or they will mow us down with their militant tanks of holiday spirit.

Actually, we wish them well. All we really want is for them to leave us alone and let us mourn in peace and quiet. We prefer our “Silent Nights” to their “Deck the Halls” and Jingle Bells.” We don’t intentionally spoil their fun, it’s just that our pain makes them uncomfortable. They’ve been conditioned to believe that “The Holiday Season” should have no blemish of suffering or lack of frivolity. We must not only bandage our wounds while in their presence, but cover them with taffeta and sequins besides. They are convinced that all we need is to “put on a happy face” and all our sorrows will magically evaporate.

In their mad pursuit of happiness, they shoot us with the bullets of shopping, piped-in music, special holiday foods and fragrances, gift wrapping, decorations (especially the angels!), joyous children with happy smiles, cards, invitations, parties and gift exchanges. Any other time of the year, snow is considered a nuisance to shovel and plow through. At the holiday season, though, it is touted as romantic and is linked to sleighs and starry nights in front of fireplaces, snuggled close to those we love.

The most devastating bombs they drop into our lives are the images of reunion — times of greeting and hugging folks who are much loved and sometimes not often seen for awhile. They may only be separated by geography; our absent loved ones cannot cross the chasm of loss that looms before our tear-filled eyes. They remind us of things we should be thankful for (and we are more thankful for many of those things than they can ever imagine). They prod us with their spears of delightful togetherness, never realizing that what they celebrate is what we cannot now enjoy. We would not dream of attacking them in these battles for holiday survival. With our noses pressed against the glass that divides us, we actually long to be able to be part of their happiness. We remember the times we joined in their fun and we, too, were part of their army of nostalgia and joy.

Our broken hearts and bleeding wounds do not excuse us from being gracious, however. While grief does not give us permission to be rude and selfish, and we take no overt action against their aggression, we are not without defenses in these battles. We can shield ourselves with the armor of dignity with kind but direct and simple explanations: “We understand your need for celebration, but this year we prefer quiet and private reflection and meditation.” “Right now it’s hard for us to function in large groups and to appreciate laughter and high spirits.” “Our energy is so limited; we’d appreciate some quiet one-on-one time with you in a more spiritual atmosphere.”

We can gently remind them of how important it is for us to remember those we love who are gone. These are statements that clarify our position without judging or criticizing them for theirs. In kind and non-threatening ways, we need to tell them what’s good for us, because they won’t think of it on their own, and they can use the education.

We also can exercise the muscles of our sense of humor. It will take some effort on our part, but so does anything that is worthwhile and good for us. We can teach ourselves not to fall into the trap of thinking that our grief makes us the center of the universe. We can limit our demands that others treat us in “special” and “deferential” ways because of our pain. We can cut them a little slack and remember that once upon a time, we were just like they are now. It’s good and healthy for us to review our perspectives now and then and decide if we’re being fair and reasonable.

We can express our love in simple and unhurried ways without all the frenetic, expensive and often hysterical hype that the holidays can generate. And we must exercise the expression of our love. Grief does not rob us of our ability to love; it reminds us ever more dramatically of our need to both give and receive love while we are here.

Whenever we can take some control in our situations, we empower ourselves, and then we feel less like victims in what seems like a war of “peace on earth, goodwill toward men.” Anytime we can educate and inform with mercy and compassion, we have given a truly spiritual holiday gift of love that will keep on giving forever.

May your season be filled with genuine blessings of peace.

The holidays will never be the same, but....

~ Excert from Susan Apollon’s book, Touched by the Extraordinary, Book Two: Healing Stories of Love, Loss & Hope

"The holidays will never be the same again," she says. "That is true. But life is change, by its very nature. Little by little you will form a new identity and learn to connect with your lost loved one in a different way. You'll form new memories and new traditions. Grieving well can lead to spiritual growth, which means that life itself can become richer and fuller after a profound loss. You'll never forget the person you lost, but you will find joy—even holiday joy—again."

Realize that miracles really do happen at the holidays. Here's the thing about the holidays, says Apollon. They really are magic. You knew this as a child but may have forgotten it. But spiritual occasions like holidays allow us to step outside the box we live in most of the time and let miracles in.

"Paradoxical as it sounds, grief and holidays are a lot alike," she reflects. "They both help us detach from trivial things and focus on what's important, what's real. Open your mind and heart this year and see what happens. Maybe you'll feel a sense of connection with your loved one who passed on, or maybe you'll feel joy for the first time since your loss. Either one might qualify as a miracle."

"It's healthier to feel the sadness and loss than to detach yourself from it," she says. "It's right and normal to grieve; just don't make it the dominant part of who you are."

Remember, says Apollon, the holidays won't always be such a struggle. If you work through your grief instead of repressing it, you'll find joy again.

I Will Be There (Tomorrow) Mom...

In the past I've posted this poem the day before Christmas - Christmas Eve.  But I know myself, I need to be reminded of this throughout the month of December and quite honestly throughout the entire holiday season from Halloween until after New Year's Day...

So, I want to share this with you early this year on the night before Hanukkah because it applies to all moms, no matter your religious persuasion, ( I'll post it again Christmas Eve), in the hopes that it will remind you, as it does me, that your child(or children) are with you - maybe not in body as we'd wish, but with us nonetheless...  I pray this helps to give you a little more strength and peace this holiday season - Lots of hugs and love.... Cherie Houston

I WILL BE THERE

Sharon J. Bryant

Mom, tomorrow I will be there
Though you may not see
I'll smile and remember
The last Christmas, with you and me

Don't be sad mom
I'm never far away
Your heart has hidden sight
My memory will always stay

I watched as you touched the ornaments
Sometimes a tear was shed as you did
I touched you gently on your shoulder
And on tiptoes I proudly stood

I'm only gone for a little while mom
I'm waiting for the day to be
When God calls out your name mom
We'll be together, just you wait and see

But until that time comes
Carry on as you did when I was there
I tell the angels how much I love you
There are angels here everywhere!

I stand behind you some days
When I know that you are sad
I want you to be happy mom
It would make my heart so glad

So on this Christmas Eve, Mom
Think of me as I will be thinking of you
And touch that special ornament
That I once made for you

I love you mom and dad, also
I know you know I do
And I'll be waiting here for you
When your earthly life is through

Love, Your child in Heaven

The Griever’s Holiday Bill of Rights

Thank you to Saundra Freemond from Santa Monica, CA for sending this to me when I first began our blog 3 years ago - my son Bobby had just died and I remember wondering if it would be politically correct to send this to everyone I knew, so they would understand me and that I wasn't going crazy or just being obstinate or feeling sorry myself (even though I felt as though I was all those things and sometimes still feel that way)... but I wanted people around me to just understand my heart was totally broken and I was finding it hard to breath and put one foot in front of the other and I didn't know today how I would feel or react to any given situation tomorrow... so I hope you will appreciate this as much as I always have-I have a copy of it in my holiday folder and as I begin to prepare for the holidays it's right on top, so it reminds me that it is OK to still feel as I do...and those who love me just have to understand (and if not-I'm sorry) - Lots of Love and we hope that our postings these next few weeks will help you on this month of difficult challenges on your journey..  Cherie Houston

The Grierves Holiday Bill of Rights by Bruce H. Conely 

You have the right to say, ‘TIME OUT!”,  anytime you need to.  Time out to let up; blow off a little steam; step away from the bustle of events;  have a “huddle” and start over.

You have a right to TELL IT LIKE IT IS.    When people ask, “How are you…?”, you have the right to tell them how you really feel, not just what they want to hear.  You also have a right to say, “I’m fine”, because the choice is yours.

You have the right to some, “BAH HUMBUG” DAYS.  You don’t have to put on a “happy face” for the benefit of others.  You are not a bad person because you don’t feel like smiling and cheering up others all day long.  Accept your limitations, don’t be afraid to ask for and accept help.

You have the right to DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY.   There is no law that says you must always celebrate a special day in the same way.  You can send fewer cards, or no cards at all!  You can open gifts at someone else’s house.  You can put up special decorations or leave them in the box this year or have pizza instead of that traditional dinner.  The list is endless.

You have the right to BE WHERE YOU WANT TO BE.  Be at home or with friends; in any city or state you choose or have dinner at a restaurant instead of in the traditional place.  Feel free to make changes or observe that special day in the usual way.

You have a right to SOME FUN!  When you have a day that isn’t so bad and you feel like doing something just for fun, then do it!  Don’t be afraid of what other people will say if they see you laughing and having a good time.  Laughter is every bit as important, and healing, as tears!

You have a right to CHANGE DIRECTION IN MIDSTREAM.  Grief is unpredictable.  You may be all ready to go somewhere or do something and suddenly feel overwhelmed.  When that happens, it’s okay to change your mind.  There are plenty of times in life to be predictable, so exercise your right to change your mind when you need to.

You have a right to DO THINGS AT DIFFERENT TIMES.  Worship at a different service time or even at a different church/synagogue.

        Open special gifts at a different time or place.

        Serve your meal at a different hour.

        Give up and go to bed at a different time.

        Don’t be a slave to tradition’s clock!

You have a right to REST, PEACE AND SOLITUDE.  You don’t need to be busy all of the time.  Take a nap whenever you need one.  Take time to pray and to meditate, to recharge your spirit.  It may do you much more good than eating another huge meal.

You have the right TO DO IT ALL DIFFERENT NEXT TIME.  Just because you change things one year, doesn’t mean you have written it in stone.  Next year you can change it back or do it in yet another way.                                                                                              

Holidays of Sadness

~ by Brigitte Synesael

When you have lost someone very dear to you, the most difficult obstacle to cross is getting through the holidays. Surviving the days where everyone around you is celebrating and spreading good cheer, while your mind is filled with memories and your heart is heavy with loneliness. It’s difficult just making it through what used to be the happiest days that were once shared with our child or loved one, and today carries only emptiness. The greatest challenge is to remain in the company of others who love you, when you really want to be alone with your sadness.

It makes no difference whether the loss took place last week, several months ago, or even last year. The holidays always send those deep emotions flooding right to the surface.

Just as how you deal with grief is personal and individual, so is the way you handle the holidays. Remember to be true to yourself, and don’t take on too much responsibility. Let people know that your plans may be subject to change, and you can’t make long term commitments just yet. Be honest with yourself and with your friends and family about how you’re feeling.

Some people find it best to start new traditions, because the past ones hold memories too difficult to deal with. Talk with your family about setting expectations. Plan together any modifications you will all make to the “normal” holiday festivities. You may want to have a church service dedicated to the memory of your loved one. Or make an annual donation in his/her name. Perhaps join the Hospice Tree Lighting ceremony. Bring joy to another child by purchasing a special toy for the Angel Tree in memory of your child.

Be honest about how you’re feeling, but when ever possible, try to include a positive twist into your thoughts. Instead of : “I miss my ….. so much, there is no Christmas without him/her.”  TRY “I do miss my ……. Christmas will be different this year, but I will try to enjoy it.”  Instead of: “I HATE this time of year. I can’t wait until it’s over.”  TRY “This is a difficult time of year for me. But it does give me an opportunity to become closer to my family and friends.”

Some people heal best by helping others. Try volunteering at an organization who help people with a greater need than yours. i.e. A soup kitchen, a homeless shelter, orphanages, etc. Often the best therapy is helping others. Aside from the obvious benefits of keeping your mind occupied and seeing that there are others in worse situations than yourself, charity work gives you a tremendous feeling of fulfillment. It can give you a renewed sense of purpose, so important during times of sadness.

Above all else, give yourself permission to enjoy yourself, to laugh, and to find peace. Each of these things are part of healing. Your life will never be the same, but it will go on, and it can still be good. Close your eyes for just a moment ~ bring into the room with you the clearest image of the person that you have lost. Now say “I love you and I miss you. You will always be in my heart. I need to know... is it okay for me to be happy again?”

Now, imagine the answer that you receive. If you remember your loved one in their true light, I’m confident the answer will be YES.  Find peace over the holidays, and be good to you.

~ About the Author: Brigitte Synesael is recognized as an authority on Alternative Medicine Information. A published author, one of her latest releases is  "You've Got Nothing To Lose But POUNDS!" 

Preparing for the Holidays

~ by Kenneth J. Doka, PhD, MDiv, Sr. Consultant to HFA; Professor of Gerontology at the College of New Rochelle in New York.

“When we are in the midst of grief, the last thing we may want to think about is the holidays. We may have little desire to participate. We may simply refuse to make plans, wishing the holidays would quickly, if not painlessly, pass.”

     The holidays are tough when we are grieving a loss. Holidays are centering moments in our lives, full of memories. We remember the Thanksgiving the oven broke down, the Hanukkah or Christmas gifts we received. It is very easy for our longing for someone we miss to become intense.

     There are other reasons the holidays can be tough. We often see reminders everywhere:  the perfect gift or a holiday card addressed to the person who died. They are stressful and busy times. This stress is difficult to bear when coping with grief. We might feel so out of step with the season. Our sadness seems magnified against the joy of others. Finally, in the midst of winter, we may feel more isolated and alone, the deepening darkness a reflection of our inner being.

     That is why it is essential to plan. We need not spend a great deal of time thinking of holiday menus or planning the perfect gift or care. I am speaking of something more important – planning how to get through the holidays.

     The danger is drift. It is easy in the stressful times of the holidays to surrender our decision making to well-meaning others, like the sister-in-law who will not take no for an answer. The result is that we find ourselves drifting into activities that are tiring, painful, or that don’t meet our needs.

    The first thing we need to do is to choose. What activities do we really want to do? What activities do we need to do?  What doesn't need to be done this year? We might decide to not send cards or host a dinner.

     As for the activities we choose, we must find the best way to do them, consistent with our own needs. For example, if we decide to give gifts, we might consider how we wish to do this. Do we simply send a check, shop from the Internet or a catalog, or shop with a friend?

     With whom do we wish to spend the holidays? Who can be present with us as we grieve? Who will understand that we may not be our usual selves?

     Sometimes it is a choice not to make a choice. Grief is often a roller-coaster experience, full of ups and downs. Grace knew that. So she decided that she would keep her options open until that very morning. She knew she would spend some time with her in-laws, but would wait until that day to see where she was on that roller coaster before committing to a particular schedule. We need to remember to remain flexible. For Tom, he decided to take his own car so he could leave when he was ready, rather than be obligated to wait for others.

     We need, too, to recognize the individuality of grief. For some of us, the holidays are difficult and stressful. There may be others of us who welcome the diversion  and find comfort in the bustle of activity. Still others of us might find ourselves torn between both feelings. It is the range of reactions that makes our grief unique.

     Once we have made our choices, we should communicate those decisions to others. Part of that communication is listening to others. That may add a third “C” to our holiday plans – compromise.

     The holidays are approaching so we need to plan. But we may want to remember this recipe:

Choose, Communicate and Compromise

Some Suggestions for Thanksgiving (and other holidays)

~ By Diane Zarnkoff, TCF, Simi Valley, CA

Throughout our lives, expectations of things to come are based upon past experiences. If, in the past, you had set a glorious table and were the perfect host or hostess, it is very possible that friends and family will expect more of the same this year. They may not be aware that you are not looking toward the holidays with a fun and games attitude. They probably do not know that in anticipation of  Thanksgiving, Christmas and Hanukkah, you may feel anxiety and fear.

They are probably thinking this year will be different and some sadness will accompany it, but I don’t think they are aware of your anguish, especially if it’s been “awhile.”

I would like to suggest to you that in fairness to yourself you need to be honest about your feelings and, just as important, you need to communicate these feelings to those around you. I really don’t think it is necessary for you to believe that because you set a tradition and always made the turkey, fried the latkes, and always had the family over, you need to feel obligated to do it again this year.

Perhaps you would like (and need) to tell everyone:

• Someone else will have to do dinner this year.
• You want to make dinner in your home, but you need lots of help because you don’t have the energy to do it.
• You want to go to the parties, but you are afraid you may break down and cry or want to leave in a hurry and you want them to know in advance this is really okay.
• You want to tell them it’s okay to talk about your child. Not to, makes it very uncomfortable.

 The list goes on, but the point is that to pretend everything is “just fine” is a lie and that’s not fair to you or to the people who you love.

It Begins with Halloween - the dreaded Holiday Season

IT BEGINS WITH HALLOWEEN

~ by Kim Brundt

The holidays can be nightmares in the making for parents who have buried their child/baby. After all, most holidays are geared toward children, children who are no longer here with us. We may not have other living children to carry on the celebration with, or we may be unable to emotionally do so if there are other children.  

The period most dreaded begins with Halloween and runs through the New Year. I remember wishing that I could go to sleep on October 30th and not wake up until January 3rd or 4th. But, realistically we all know that this is not a possibility. So, what can a hurting parent do to survive these days that can bring us so much pain?

To begin with, be gentle with yourself, your spouse or significant other and any surviving children. Talk to each other. Find out what each is feeling before making any decisions as to what you will or will not do.

If surviving children are too young to really know what’s going on, then they probably will not miss out if you decide to not put up a tree. Even older children may need to downplay the first holidays after losing a baby sister or brother, and are uncomfortable telling their already hurting parents. Once you and your immediate family decide what is right, you then tell the extended family what has been decided. Do not allow others to pressure you into doing something that is not comfortable.

I know from experience and from speaking with many other hurting moms and dads that often our anticipation of the holiday is worse than the actual day itself. This is especially true if you have given the days ahead a lot of thought and have decided on a plan of what you would like to try to do.  There are many ways to include your child into your holiday plans. Some ideas I have used and

heard of are:

·         Buying and decorating a balled Christmas tree. That tree can later be planted in honor of your child.

·         Ordering special flowers to place in a special spot in your house or to carry with you to other houses as you go.

·         Decorating your child’s grave and visiting the grave before or after the day’s activity.

·         Dedicating the altar flowers at your place of worship in your child’s name.

·         Donating gifts that you would have bought for your child to a needy child. (Many parents have found a special peace by being able to go out and actually buy the special things for their children that they had been planning on all along, then pass them on to another child whose Christmas may not have been as special otherwise.)

·         Lighting a candle or placing an ornament on a tree to honor your child.

·         Attending a special service dedicated to the honor of our children such as the International Candlelight Ceremony (held the 2^nd Sunday in December worldwide*).

The ideas are endless and very personal. It is important to look into your own heart and do what

brings you and yours the peace you need. If you are not sure if something is right, try it out and, if it is not what you expected, then next year try something else.

I know if I look hard enough in my heart, I usually will find what I need to do for my boys, Jonathan and Jacob.  I will light a candle this year as I do every year in honor and celebration of all our children. I will say a special prayer for you and as always my wish for you is peace, hope and love in the days ahead.

With hugs and more hugs, Kim Brundt

Lovingly lifted from BP/USA  -Central Savannah River Area Chapter

*This years annual Candlelight Ceremony will be held on Sunday evening, December 9th, 2012 at the Calvary Baptist Church in Lake Havasu City, AZ - check with your local bereaved parents support group to find out where & when they will holding their candlelight ceremony...

Another View of the Holidays

This next week, which leads up to and includes Hanukkah and Christmas Day for many moms, dads, and grandparents who are grieving the loss of their beloved child or children, grandchild or grandchildren ~ can be quite overwhelming.  I keep reminding myself of the words of many “seasoned grievers” that the anticipation is almost always worse than the reality.. This is our 3rd Christmas without our son Bobby, and in some ways it seems to be the most difficult yet... 

Yes – one week from today, Christmas Day will be here – Hanukah will be in full swing and I want to share with you an article which I have tucked in my wallet and bring out from time to time, but especially this week, to remind me of two things:

1)  To remember and concentrate on the 36 wonderful Christmas Days I had with my son Bobby, for which I will be forever grateful-I wasn’t able to have even one Christmas with either of his little sisters

2)  And just as importantly to force myself to focus on my family who are still alive - my husband Dan, our 4 wonderful sons and their families, which include our incredible 9 grandchildren.  How can I allow my grief to miss their joy of this season, because I don’t know what tomorrow will bring and I wouldn’t want to regret missing this time with them..

So I truly hope this will help you in some small way, as it has helped me since Bobby’s death in 2009… It's not easy, but sometimes if we look at things a little differently, it can help us to overcome our fear and anticipation... Cherie Houston

Another View of the Holidays

~ Written by —Jim Hobbs, Jesse’s Father, Denton, TX, From “Where are All the Butterflies?” – BP/Bereaved Parents

Every time I sit down to write my remarks, I like to believe that I’m a wizened old soul who knows other’s pain and how to soften it. That’s what I’d like to believe; but in truth, I’m only half right. I am an old soul who knows other’s pain. With the anticipation of the approaching holidays in mind, pain may become much greater for bereaved families. Having survived two of the holiday seasons since my son Jesse’s death, I can tell you that in my case, the anticipation was the worst part. When Christmas day ended last year, my wife and I were amazed that it had not been nearly as dreadful as we had imagined that it would be. Jesse has not been with us physically these past two years, but his memory will always be sharing our Christmases.

A part of my Christmas will be spent remembering. Memories certainly don’t erase the pain or make up for the physical absence, but one line from the play Steel Magnolias, was “I’d rather have thirty minutes of wonderful, than a lifetime of nothing special.” That line reminds me that I have three whole really wonderful Christmas days to remember as long as I live, wherever I go.

Holiday Relief

I continue to be amazed at how many people are reading our blog and from so many different parts of world... WOW is all I can say...  and I’m just as amazed and thankful for all the wonderful articles so many of you continue to send to me to share with other moms..  I've been surprised bu the number of articles our readers have sent to us with advice on how to get through the holidays and I’m doing my best to post as many as possible..  Thank you and if I don’t share yours this year, I’m saving each and everyone to share at sometime in the future – so thank you. 

I want to thank Deidra Forthingham for the following article.  Deidra recently moved to Tempe, AZ from London, England and lost her only child, 14 year old Michael, who drowned while at camp, in August 2003.. Cherie Houston

Finding Relief Through the Holidays

~ by Clara Hinton

Losing a child changes everything about how a family thinks, sees, tastes, touches, and feels life. Experiences become strangely new and at times so different that it is sometimes frightening. Traditions and times of family fun that once seemed so routine, now feel oddly painful and lonely. Families often find themselves seeking ways to get through the holidays, instead of planning for holiday celebrations with past anticipation and joy.

Probably the first coping mechanism, and the most useful, is to accept the fact that losing a child does change things. Families often change best friends, seeking the support of those who can identify with individual as well as collective needs of the family. Sometimes families change churches. Often, worshiping at the same church is an emotional pain that is too hard to bear. 

Sometimes family members even change jobs, finding it easier to make the work more bearable with a new beginning. It is, therefore, reasonable and necessary to change some of how the family traditionally celebrated the holidays. Losing a child brings about many changes!

Don't place undue expectations on yourselves as a family. When your child died, a very real part of your identity as a family ended, too. Acknowledge that you are now in the very difficult position of holding fast to memories of someone you loved so very much in order to keep that precious child alive within your family. Not everyone will understand, and that often leaves hurt feelings, distances between friends, and even broken relationships within the extended family. Adjusting to the loss of a child is so very difficult for everyone.

Because you miss your child so much, yet you want to still have your holiday season be a time of celebration and joy, you are faced with a most difficult dilemma. Especially hard is facing the first holiday without your child. There will be a unique emptiness felt by each family member.

By including your child in the holiday, you will find that, even though it is painful, you will also feel some healing with your family take place. Many families have found it very healing to buy a gift for the child who has died. Place a holiday stocking on the mantle, and include small gifts in it such as a family journal, a picture frame, or a memorial candle. It is healing to include your child in the holiday in a special way.

Use the child's name when talking. Give family members permission to cry. Nobody expects you to be a super hero, so don't try to be one. It's healing to say, "I miss my baby so much, and I really wish she was with us!" Hold each other up as a family. When we try to deny our sorrow, often the pain only is intensified. Accept grief as a reality, and help each other through the pain.

Do things different, and don't be afraid to break old holiday traditions. Make this your year to begin a new holiday tradition. Maybe buy one really outlandish gift that can be wrapped and re-wrapped year after year. Continue to include that particular gift in the annual family gift exchange. Think of something different that is unique to you as a family. It will help break the heavy grief, and aid you in finding some momentary relief from your pain of loss.

Remind yourselves as a family that there will be a time when things will feel okay again. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You will be able to choose remembering the joy your loved one brought into the family rather than only remembering the grief of the day your child died. When a family celebrates love, the pain becomes less intense, and you will begin to feel relief.


~ Clara Hinton is a Certified Grief Facilitator, founder of The Silent Grief Website, and the author of four books, including Silent Grief. She is the author of a weekly newletter and has contributed to Christian Woman and Church and Family magazines. Clara speaks on college campuses on grief and is a keynote speaker at women's retreats. She has been interviewed on radio stations across the nation and appeared on various TV programs. Clara is a stay-at-home mother of eleven children and wife of 31 years

How Can I Handle My Grief During the Holidays?

Special thanks to Susan Brockerman from Rockland, MD for sending this article to be posted on our blog.. Susan said it was given to her a few months after her 26 year old son Jason died in an auto accident in the spring of 2009, shortly before Easter - a very big holiday celebration time in their family. Since then, each year before Easter and again for Thanksgiving thru New Years, she pulls it out and reads it almost daily; she hopes it might help another mom going through the same heartache at this difficult time of the year … Cherie Houston

How Can I Handle My Grief During the Holidays?

By Jennifer LaRue Huget, Oct. 24, 2008

It's easy to feel isolated during the holiday season when you've lost a loved one. Everyone else seems so happy when you feel so sad.

"It's a tough situation for people" says Dale G. Larson, professor of counseling psychology at Santa Clara University in California. "The key is to acknowledge that you have changed and that the holidays aren't going to be the same. It's important to know that from the outset."

David Kessler, a Los Angeles-based expert on grief and loss who maintains a Web site called grief.com and has collaborated with the late Elisabeth Kubler-Ross on books about death and dying, explains that "Grief is the internal feelings we have, while mourning is an external process. One of the ways we help work through our grief is to externalize it."

Looking for ways to openly acknowledge your grief during the holidays may help you weather them, and perhaps even find joy. (Kessler is an advisor to Tributes.com, a Web site at which people can set up memorials to those they've lost free of charge, access resources about coping with grief, and connect with others who are grieving.)

Here are some suggestions from Larson and Kessler for managing grief during these emotion-filled holiday weeks:

·         Give yourself permission to have pleasure. "That's a tough assignment sometimes," Larson says. "Some people feel guilty to have joy or pleasure" when they're mourning. "But you should honor your loved one by allowing joy. They would want that. It doesn't weaken your connection."

·         Include the deceased in your conversations and other activities. "Look for excuses to talk about this person you've lost, in ways that honor them. Show people you're okay talking about him if you want to. Go through photos, videos. Have a stocking for him if that's in keeping with your tradition," Larson suggests. "It's a matter of having your loved one involved in ritual. You have to embrace that that's how it's going to be from now on."

·         Share your sentiments: "At Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, ask 'Can we start with a prayer for the one who died?'" Kessler suggests. ""Light a candle. Go around the table and have everyone share a favorite memory." If folks at the table aren't so inclined, find a private moment to say that prayer or otherwise honor that memory.

·         Develop a Plan A and Plan B: "Let Plan A be 'I'm going to go to Thanksgiving dinner,'" Kessler offers. "Plan B can say that, 'If it's too rough, too hard to be with everyone, I'm going to stay home and watch his favorite movie, take a walk through a favorite place of ours. I'm going to give in to grief if it overwhelms me.'" Kessler says that when people go into holiday events with a Plan A and a Plan B, "They usually make it through dinner. Without Plan B, they feel only emptiness. With Plan B, they feel sadness but not emptiness."

·         Cancel Hanukkah or Christmas: "Many find comfort in the holidays, the routine, the deep spiritual connection," Kessler says. "But if it's too hard for you this year, it's really okay to cancel a holiday." Kessler cites the experience of the actor Anthony Perkins's family after Perkins died. "The first Hanukkah or Christmas, they decided to go on with their holiday, no matter what," he says. "But the following year they looked back on that and felt it had been painful and mechanical and hadn't allowed for their grief. So they canceled Christmas the second year." Taking a year off, Kessler explains, lets you and your family "go through your feelings without pressure to be joyful and fun." Starting the third year after Hopkins's death, Kessler adds, his family was able to "create a new Christmas."

·         Seek a sympathetic ear: "If you feel you're not able to function, to find balance, to find any distance from the pain, seek help," Larson advises. "Find a grief support group, where you'll find instant empathy from people who have suffered similar losses." Don't like groups? Look for an individual counselor. Or, he suggests, "call your local hospice program and see if they have a support program that you can just drop in on for the holidays."

Surviving the Holidays While Grieving

Alright - Thanksgiving is over and hopefully it was not as difficult as you imagined. For many though, the worst of the holiday season is yet to come and yes, like it or not, December 1^st is just a few days away.. That means Hanukkah, Christmas and New Years are fast approaching and we can’t stop them.. Know that no matter how hard this seems, you will get through the holidays and the more you prepare yourself and decide what you can and can’t do, the easier it will be.  Be patient with yourself and others, and there is nothing wrong with saying NO.. Cherie Houston

Surviving the Holidays While Grieving

~ By Roslyn Romeny Reynolds

The house lights are twinkling, Christmas trees glimmer out of every front window, and joyous music fills the air, but your heart seems immune to the joy. As much as you want to, you can't feel the happiness this season used to bring. All you feel is--alone. The holidays usually bring family gatherings, hours spent choosing and wrapping special gifts for loved ones, and a wonderful feeling of good will and happiness.

Yet, for one who has lost a loved one, the holidays can be one of the darkest times of the year. It can be painful to remember the special together times the holidays used to bring--and to realize that it will never be that way again.

It can be painful to see others still with their loved ones, to watch as they hold hands, or sit snuggled into each other, and to be reminded yet again that you are alone. Even the good memories can be painful. Each memory can awaken the dull ache in the chest and open the floodgates as tears flow yet again. The sweetness of the memories is in sharp contrast to the emptiness of now.

Others may try to help us by including us in their festivities, but we may not feel 'up' to joining in the celebrations. It's okay to say, "No thanks" if the thought of being at a holiday party turns your stomach. The time will come when you look forward to the chance to go out. Allow yourself to be where you are in your grieving process.

What can we do to lessen the pain, and to increase our ability to feel peace in this, the Season of Peace?

First, realize that it is normal to feel down during the holidays when you've lost a loved one. Don't berate yourself. If you're having a 'down' day, accept it as 'normal', but also admit that tomorrow holds the possibility of being a better day.

Second, reach out. Find someone you can talk to, someone who understands what you're going through, and visit. Share what helps you each get through hard times, and you'll both come away stronger. One woman suggested finding a joke, the cornier the better, to share each week. That way her spirits are lifted, and she brings a smile to the people she shares with, too.

Third, decide that this holiday season, you're going to give yourself a gift. It can be something tangible, that you wrap and put under the tree, or a new idea or habit you are going to implement that will improve your quality of life. Do one thing for yourself that will bring a smile to your face!

Fourth, determine to read uplifting literature this month. The words we read have a great effect upon us, so we are wise to fill our minds with the greatest words ever written. Of course, scripture fits the season perfectly, but in addition, there are hundreds of great books that attest to the potential and actual goodness of humanity. Read something heartwarming, and be lifted! (Of course, one to include each December is Dickens' A Christmas Carol. Better than any movie ever made of it, the book is sure to have you smiling as you read the last line!)

Lastly, find a way to lift someone else. The Christmas celebrations originated, after all, honoring the birth of One who gave His whole life for others. It could be a good deed done anonymously, or you could simply spend time with someone who is lonely or down. It's a generally accepted fact that a sure way to forget your own troubles is to help someone else to forget theirs, if only for a few minutes.

The holidays can be a painful reminder of all that is wrong in our lives. On the other hand, we can do our best to see them as a time to celebrate the Goodness that came into the world two thousand years ago--and to spread some of that goodness through our own life and to all those we come in contact with.

Roslyn Romney Reynolds wrote SOLO - Getting It All Together When You Find Yourself Alone after her husband drowned while on an outing with their three youngest children. She has since interviewed women from many parts of the country who've endured loss and gleaned seven essentials to help move through the grieving process and on to hope and healing after tragic loss.

Her book is available at http://www.roslynreynolds.com/.

Her blog is found at http://www.sistersinhope.com/.

Holiday Family Gatherings

Families gather for both sad and happy occasions. Happy times and sad times often bring families closer together.

During the Holidays, just like weddings, graduations families gather to celebrate. During these times, everyone is expected to be happy. Relatives and friends want you to join in as you have in the past. But now, without your child, it is difficult - painful - and in that first year, often impossible..

For many, having family around is healing to have their support; for others these gatherings can be overwhelmingly painful reminders of the child that is and will never again be present.

Yes, family and friends usually provide the most comfort and listen as we try to cope with the loss of our child. But even the closest of relatives and friends cannot completely understand the hurt we feel - Preparing for what is to come can help make these gatherings easier for you...Remember...

Friends and relatives want...

• to take your pain away ...
• to offer you HOPE for better times ...
• to see you "back to normal again" ...
• to help you "forget about what happened."

But try to realize and accept BEFORE the gatherings that...

• no one can take your pain away ...
• there will be better times, but they will be different without your child ...
• your life does not feel like it will ever be "normal" again ...
• your heart is breaking and it's okay to be sad and cry...
• you will never forget your child...

But know that with time, you will find:

• a new normal
• new traditions or modify those you've had in the past
• Joy, although very different, joy will return to your heart again
• and build new memories
• peace and rejoice in the memories of your child…

Remember to be patient with yourself and others...

10 Tips to Survive the Holidays After Your Child Dies (Part 2 of 2)

As we mentioned on Tuesday, the following tips were published by Patricia Loder, executive director of The Compassionate Friends. “It is difficult for those who have not gone through the death of a child to understand the depth of despair which such a loss brings.” Mrs. Loder, whose two young children died in a car crash in 1991, says there are many tips that can help a grieving family prepare for the holidays - but this list of ten (5 on Tuesday and these remaining 5) are ten suggestions that she has found helpful...

Tips 6 - 10:

6) Surviving children should be included in your plans. They, too, mourn their sibling, but need a normalcy the holidays can provide.

7) If you don’t get everything done you plan, be easy on yourself. Grief is tough work and you should never feel guilty for not getting everything done.

8) If you must shop for others, find a time when the stores are not extremely busy like early morning, order through the Internet, or ask others to shop for you.

9) Participating in a memorial service, such as The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting the second Sunday in December, can be very meaningful. This can be done in a formal service with others or through a short private candle lighting in the privacy of your home.

10) Remember that the fearful anticipation of an approaching holiday is usually worse than the day itself.

“Many people believe they can escape the holidays by leaving home on a vacation,” adds Mrs. Loder. “This rarely helps because grief can never be left behind and it is important to have the support of relatives and friends.

Talking with others who have also lost a child can help those facing grief to understand they are not alone. Others have survived the holidays and they will, too.”