On a Child's Death

There are so many poems I keep in my nightstand for those nights when sleep is illusive and the stark reality of a future that is changed forever, you know that heartbreaking reality that we re moving forward in the time "after a child's death" - yes those nights that seem to hold me in their grip.. it is poems like these that help soften the pain and heartache  and sadness of losing my children... I hope that when we share poems like these, that you also will find them a source of peace..  Cherie Houston

ON A CHILD'S DEATH

~ BY Virginia Ellis

All heaven was in mourning,  The day that young man died;
When He closed His eyes, they said, Ten thousand angels cried.

The angels shed their many tears, Because He was God's Son;
But there is a special sadness, When God takes the very young.

At times like that, I question God, Why let a child die?
I cannot understand it, And I need to ask Him why.

I, too, have heard the angels cry, I've heard them cry first hand;
For I, too, gave up a child, And I've tried hard to understand.

Yes, I received God's comfort, Though I'm grateful, I want more;
I want reasons;  I want meaning, I am a parent who's heart-sore.

God can give, and God can take, I am well aware of this;
But, why my baby ... why my child?
Why did God put him on His list?

Did I love my child too much? Was he too good for this old earth?
Had his purpose here been filled?  Was that why he was taken first?

I awake each day with questions,  I fall asleep at night, the same;
So many times I ask God why,  I'm both saddened and ashamed.

But then, in reflective moments, When my prayers are most intense,
One word keeps going through my mind, Patience ... patience ... patience.

Maybe now is not the time, To explain this great heartache;
Even if I knew God's reasons, What difference would it make?

Can't I just be grateful, For any time we had?
Accept God's action without question? Why is that so very bad?

What's my hurry ... why my pressure? Is my faith not strong enough?
God will explain it when He's ready,  Surely I can trust that much.

God understands my broken heart, He, too, gave up a Son;
He knows the pain of one lost child, He weeps with me, and we are one.

Just as I talk to God each day,  I talk to my precious child;
I blow him kisses, and I say,  "See you, honey, in a while."

I Wouldn't Trade the Pain.....for the Dance

By Cherie Houston

No matter how strong typical pain is, it is usually something can we can’t truly recall... Oh we certainly can remember that the pain was uncomfortable and that we hurt and that we may not want to feel it again, such as the intense pain or a broken bone, or very bad back, or having a heart attack or debilitating migraine, or even the pain often experienced by childbirth, which many of us knows totally disappears when our new infant looks at us.. No we may remember that the pain was uncomfortable, but the memory doesn't put us back in that place, we simply remember that it hurt!.

I have found, however that the pain of grief is very different. For those of us who have lost a child or children, the tragedy of another’s child death – whether a child we know or not, can bring us to our knees and truly put us back into that sense of loss and overwhelming helplessness of those first few days weeks and months.  I’m sure it’s a deep empathy for the other parents, knowing that the pain of grief of losing a child is a pain that no one should ever have to experience....

But I've also found that when I learn of a death of someone I know (or tragedies such as Columbine, the movie theater in Colorado, Sandy Hook last December –the never ending list sadly, or for people who've shared parts of our lives ~ such as yesterday when we learned of the passing of a dear old friend, Bill, who shared all the typical things like boy scouting, sports and chaperoning other school events when together we were raising our young families; or that of a young 74 year old student Ellen, who died unexpectedly last week.  I had been blessed to have shared my knowledge with Ellen and her sister for almost a dozen years.. the sadness and tears came quickly when I learned of both Ellen and Bill's death, but what has been more overwhelming is the pain of grief, my sense of pain and helplessness for what their families are and will go thru; knowing that there is nothing that can be said or done for them that will ease their heartache...that is a pain that does come back and feels as strong as I remember it when I first began my own Journey from Grief...

I’ve learned that the Journey of Grief is something we must all go thru on our own terms and in our own way-no one can do it for us.  Help from those around us with mundane but necessary chores, such as shopping and meals, daily errands, answering the phone, house and yard work are certainly appreciated and helped (although most of us can rarely remember who did what for us during those first several months-it’s all a blur).. 

We all experience the pain, and with time the pain soften – but that grief pain, like no other, can grab you again at any time when you least expect it and take your breath away...  but despite that pain and heartache, the tears and sense of loss that seems to never end, I wouldn't train a moment of that pain for the time with my three children, no matter how short - and I'm glad that Bill and Ellen shared parts of my life with me along the way... I wouldn't trade those memories for anything..  True if I'd not had my children, if I hadn't met Bill or Ellen or listened to the news about Columbine or Sandy Hook, then I wouldn't feel the pain, but then again I wouldn't trade any of it - I'm grateful for the time I had, and that their families had with them, and that we all "enjoyed the dance"..  Garth Brooks says it perfectly... in his song “The Dance”...

Looking back on the memory,

of the dance we shared, beneath the stars above.
For a moment all the world was right,

how was I to know that you'd ever say goodbye?
And now I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end,

the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance,

I could have missed the pain,

but I'd have had to miss the dance.

The Dance - (Garth Brooks) 

A Grieving Fathers Prayer

As so many celebrate Father's Day today, please remember those dads & grandfathers with angel children & grandchildren, who are on the same grief journey and share that  same sense of loss that we felt on Mother's Day.. how well they too know that never ending heartache that time can't erase..  Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers and if you see them today, give them a special hug and remind that you remember them and their child and their pain and pray that they find peace and joy in their child/children's memories..

A Grieving Father’s Prayer

~ written by Laura/Heavenly Lights Children’s Memorial ~ www.heavenlylights.homestead.com

 Our Father… Who art in heaven…

I come to you with a heavy heart today…

I know you know… but I have lost my child…

And am feeling like I lost my way.

People seem to think I am so strong…

I am not invincible…I am not superman…

I am just a grieving father… missing my child

And could use a friendly helping hand.

I have always been the fixer-upper type of dad…

I could fix anything…ever since I was ten…

But I cannot fix the clock of time…

But, Please God, can you help me wind it up again?

Please bless all the grieving fathers…

Each hour throughout this day…

With the strength to keep moving ahead…

Even one baby step at a time…would be okay.

Please bless all grieving fathers…

Each day throughout this week…

And guide them on their journey of grief…

As the meaning of life they do seek.

Please bless all grieving fathers…

Each week this whole month through…

With memories to last a lifetime…

And understanding friends to turn to.

Please bless all grieving fathers

Each month throughout this year…

With hugs to comfort…in our time of need

And people to realize our grief doesn’t disappear.

Please bless all grieving fathers…

Each year until the end of time…

With faith in You…to see us through

From sunrise to sunset…for our whole lifetime.

Please God Bless all grieving fathers…

Each day throughout this year…

As seasons change…

And time unfolds…

Day by day…

Month by month…

Year by year…

And especially today…on this Father’s Day.

Amen

Grief can & does sneak up on you...

~ by Cherie Houston

There's no doubt that many of us try to believe that "in time" our grief will be gone - but those of us who've been on this Journey thru Grief, can tell you that even after many years, there will be times (often when you least expect it) that you will feel sadness and pain... Bobby's death certainly reminds me continually how much I miss his 2 little sisters who died in 1971 and 1972... We also learn to accept the fact that our grief will never be gone it will just get softer...  

It's been 43 months since my 36 year old son Bobby died, and as many of your know my husband Dan and I spend 7 months in Arizona and the summer and month of December in New England with our children and 9 (soon to be 11) amazing grandkids...

Last night as we flew from Vegas back to Boston, out of nowhere, that dreaded sneak attack of grief reared it's ugly head.. I have to admit this happens from time to time when I least expect it...  

I wonder if it's just easier for me to "pretend" when we're in Arizona that everything is at it should be back in New England, nothing's changed, but as our plane grew closer to Boston thru the night, and knowing we'd be back with our family within hours ~ the sad reality that Bobby won't be there this morning, as he always was, to great us and POW...it hit like a ton of bricks...Fortunately on the red eye 1am flight, most people are sleeping, including my husband, so it was easier to allow myself to give in to the grief and heartache...  

But I then realized that it's becoming easier for me to refocus my grief to the joy on Bobby's wonderful life, his infectious smile and all that he has left for us including his beautiful 2 little boys who are now 9 & 10... With time, I'm learning that the more I focus on his life, instead of his death, I'm able to catch my breath, dry my tears, smile and know it's time to continue moving forward... and accept and look forward to my step-son Douglas, being at the airport with our youngest granddaughter Jacobi, and I remind myself how blessed I am... 

I finally got it last night, the name of our moms group... "The Journey from Mourning to Joy:... that's what I was experiencing....


It is amazing how the smallest reminder of our child - a smell, song, photo or a memory from out of nowhere, can send us into an unexpected tailspin. With time however, as we continue to gain strength and knowledge "that we will get thru this", we each will find ways to cope when our "grief" sneaks back up on us...  Here are some tips shared by others...  

Be prepared. Anniversary& specific event reactions are normal, but in time you'll find ways to turn them into opportunities for healing. For example, you might find yourself dreading an upcoming special day, fearful of being overwhelmed by painful memories and emotions, but again, in time, we often find that the anticipation of the "days" are worse than the actual day itself.


Remember the best and try not to focus on the day and events of their death In time, and it's not easy, I hope you can find yourself focusing on all the wonderful memories - even with my little girls who were so young - Randee died within hours of her birth and Robin died before her 1st birthday, Bobby had just turned 36, but despite all the heartache experienced from their deaths, I wouldn't give any of it up - they have each made me who I am today and I love them for it..  

Start a new tradition in your loved one's memory. Bobby's 2 little boys (and now their cousins) have come to believe that dragonfly's represent Bobby's spirit, and planting a tree at their home, and our home in New England & in Arizona in his honor have been a few of the ways we keep his memory alive..  

Connect with others. Draw friends and loved ones close to you, including people who were special to your child. Find someone who'll encourage you to talk about your loss. Stay connected to your usual support systems, such as spiritual leaders and social groups and of course, I think support groups, such as our Journey from Mourning to Joy Group in Lake Havasu, or one in your area, such as The Compassionate Friends or Bereaved Parents, can help us in so many ways...  

Allow yourself to feel a range of emotions. I have learned since the deaths of my three children that it's OK and very normal to be sad and feel a sense of loss, but with time it's also very important to experience joy and happiness-especially if you've been blessed with a wonderful family and friends. As you celebrate special times, you might find yourself both laughing and crying, and that is normal. 

A very wise woman (Joyce Floyd) once told me, Grief is not a sign of weakness-nor loss of faith, it is simply the price of love.. and how right she is!!!

On A Child's Death

I'm not sure who sent this to me when my son Bobby died a few years ago, but it is in with the many cards we received and I thought I'd share it... Cherie Houston

ON A CHILD'S DEATH

~ Virginia Ellis ~

All heaven was in mourning,
The day that young man died;
When He closed His eyes, they said,
Ten thousand angels cried.

The angels shed their many tears,
Because He was God's Son;
But there is a special sadness,
When God takes the very young.

At times like that, I question God,
Why let a child die?
I cannot understand it,
And I need to ask Him why.

I, too, have heard the angels cry,
I've heard them cry first hand;
For I, too, gave up a child,
And I've tried hard to understand.

Yes, I received God's comfort,
Though I'm grateful, I want more;
I want reasons;  I want meaning,
I am a parent who's heart-sore.

God can give, and God can take,
I am well aware of this;
But, why my baby ... why my child?
Why did God put him on His list?

Did I love my child too much?
Was he too good for this old earth?
Had his purpose here been filled?
Was that why he was taken first?

I awake each day with questions,
I fall asleep at night, the same;
So many times I ask God why,
I'm both saddened and ashamed.

But then, in reflective moments,
When my prayers are most intense,
One word keeps going through my mind,
Patience ... patience ... patience.

Maybe now is not the time,
To explain this great heartache;
Even if I knew God's reasons,
What difference would it make?

Can't I just be grateful,
For any time we had?
Accept God's action without question?
Why is that so very bad?

What's my hurry ... why my pressure?
Is my faith not strong enough?
God will explain it when He's ready,
Surely I can trust that much.

God understands my broken heart,
He, too, gave up a Son;
He knows the pain of one lost child,
He weeps with me, and we are one.

Just as I talk to God each day,
I talk to my precious child;
I blow him kisses, and I say,
"See you, honey, in a while."

Valentines Day Can Be A Very Painful Holiday

Thanks to Susan Triton, Shepherdstown, Indiana for sharing this article with us for our blog... she received it a few weeks ago from a family member who knew that she was still having a terrible time  coping with the sudden tragic death of her 9 year old son Colin, last summer 2012...Each and every holiday for her seems to be worse than the last.  Susan also said that this and other similar articles and blogs like ours help to remind her that her pain and grief are normal and that it's OK to feel as she does.  Furthermore, they ease her fear that she will remain in this valley of death forever..  I've assured her she won't-none of us stay in that valley forever and in time, she will find peace and she will smile again as she remembers Colin, but it takes time - lots of time... Keep her in your prayers... Cherie Houston

Valentine's Day Can Be A Very Painful Holiday.....

Most of us who are grieving brace ourselves for the traditional Holiday Season, which begins at Halloween, continues through Thanksgiving, crests with Christmas and Hanukkah, and ends with New Year’s Eve. While the Season can be wonderful for many, it can be a very difficult time for those who are grieving the recent death of someone important to them, such as a child, spouse or parent.

You might erroneously think that once the new year has passed, grievers will have some relief from the constant reminders that someone they love is no longer alive. But by early January, the marketing machine revs up for the next cycle of cards and gifts—to usher in Valentine’s Day.

Every flower shop, card store, jewelry store, candy store, drug store, and supermarket decorates its shelves and aisles with the traditional pink and red hearts and clever Cupid images to compel us to celebrate our romantic love with our significant others and the magic of love with our children..

For anyone who has lost a loved one - a spouse, child, parent or anyone close to us, this can be one of the most painful of all holidays. The romantic arrows from Cupid’s bow, now become painful darts that hit us in our emotional center - reminding of us of lost loves... 

After all, most of us begin the Valentine traditions in pre-school, when we begin making Valentine’s cards for friends and family. As we get older, we shift our focus from family and friends to romantic attachments. By the time we are courting, dating, creating long-term relationships and bringing children into this world, Valentine’s Day becomes the day we use to declare or reaffirm our bonds of love.

As our relationships blossom and grow, the annual celebration of Valentine’s day—along with anniversary date—becomes the most personal and special loving tradition. And as with the cards, flowers and candies, the image of the heart is always used to symbolize that love.

When someone we love dies, our emotional heart is broken. The heart—the very symbol of the Valentine’s Day celebration—is the aspect of our being that is most damaged by the death of a child or spouse.

Compounding the heartache is the fact that there is very little societal awareness of the pain being experienced by those who are dealing with the death of a child or spouse that first Valentine’s Day after their child or spouse has died. Even surrounded by family and friends, they may feel isolated, alone, and as if no one understands. And those feelings can extend long past the first few years.

"Grief is the feeling of reaching out for someone whom you thought would always be there, sharing the future with you, only to discover when you least expect it, they are no longer there.”  

Grief is the normal and natural immediate reaction when someone we love dies, especially a child or spouse. The range of emotions that encompass grief is very wide, and is not limited to sadness. The feelings are a reflection of the many different aspects of the relationship and even the circumstances of their deaths.

That range of feelings is also the normal and natural reaction when you are reminded that someone who has been such a big part of your life is gone, even if the reminder is months or years after they have died.  Some special days and some events are powerful reminders of the fact that someone very important is missing from our life. Valentine’s Day, like birthdays and anniversaries, is one of those very special days, which can create an immense amount of painful emotional energy.

Unfortunately, when a grieving parent or spouse talks about their sadness and other feelings, they are often met with comments like, “Don’t feel sad, you should feel grateful for the time you had.” It is probably accurate to say that one of the feelings a grieving parent or spouse might have is gratitude. But gratitude is unlikely to be the most dominant feeling at holiday events. Sadness, loneliness, and confusion are more likely to be the emotions that well up in a grieving person on special occasion holidays, especially the first of each of those events following the death.

Grieving parents and spouses also hear the incorrect idea that we all learn from an early age, that “Time heals all wounds,” or “Grief just takes time.” Believing that to be true, the griever waits to feel better. But time is neutral. Time, of itself, does not do anything except pass and many parents and widows/widowers who are grieving say that over time their pain seems to get worse.

It is accurate to say that grieving people are not broken, and do not need to be fixed. To a great extent, what they need is for someone to listen to them, without judgment, analysis, or criticism.   It is also realistic to say that grieving people are left with some unfinished emotional business.

Even when the best of relationships is ended by death, those left behind discover things they wish had been different, better, or more; and are painfully aware of unrealized hopes, dreams, and expectations about the future.

It has been said that Grief and loss are the price to be paid for loving someone..and the more we love the stronger that sense of grief and loss..   

Forgive me, My Daughter......

FORGIVE ME, MY DAUGHTER

(Especially for Grandparents)

 ~ SIDS Survival Guide

I want you to be the little girl, who tore her many-layered petticoats on the parallel bars or in school and once even  chipped a tooth.

I want you, too, to be the child with bloody knees who had matching holes in her new leotards.

Or maybe the one who fell from a swing and needed a half dozen stitches beneath her eye.

Oh, I could hold you then there was magic in my kisses that stemmed the pain and a doctor nearby for more tangible aid.

But what do I do now, now that you are a woman and your sorrows are commensurate with your age?

I stand immobile as your wan face leans over the broken turf where your infant son, your only child, will soon be interred.

I clench my fists, knowing there is no solace any longer in my arms for agony of this magnitude.

You are deaf, too, to my murmurings; you hear only the echoes of his laughter and his cries.

Of course, I am here when you need me.  But I can only pretend I am a strong and wise grandmother, when in truth, forgive me, my daughter, I remain a mother, heart-broken twice.

We wish you peace this season...

Hanukkah is almost over and Christmas is less than two weeks away - and whether we like it or not - the season of holidays will occur, no matter how we feel or how much our hearts are broken....

There is no doubt - the death of our children changes us forever and no matter what you've read or been told, I believe that our grieving for them will last until we join them.

But, despite our heartache, life does go on, with or without us, and for those left behind ~ our other children and family members, and ourselves & it would be even sadder for us not to find joy and peace again.

It's okay and normal to feel as we do as we grieve (and we all know the way we feel changes in a blink of any eye on this journey from mourning to joy), but between those moments of overwhelming sadness, keep a watchful eye out for that little flicker of peace and joy, that if you welcome and allow it, it will continue to grow; I wish you can find a little peace this holiday season and know and believe that joy is possible again, how could it not be..

We were blessed and given the wonderful privilege of having these children in our lives – be it for the days and weeks when we carried them, or the few moments, days or months after their birth, or for those of us who were blessed to have them for years (even though no matter how many-we all feel it was too few) until their deaths; what incredible gifts we received from them.

So from one grieving heart to another, and in memory and celebration of our children who are no longer with us in body; I wish that we all will find peace, joy and happiness again in all that surrounds us and our families, this holiday season and know without doubt that they are with us in spirit.. 

From  Cherie Houston, Joyce Floyd and all the moms who are on this Journey from Mourning to Joy...

The Holiday Army

~ by Andrea Gambill

Here it comes again — the Holiday Army — in its annual march against us. Some of its generals are called "Thanksgiving," "Christmas," "Hanukah," "New Year’s Eve" and "New Year’s Day." They are no respecters of the heartbroken and emotionally wounded, and their troops are merciless. They take no prisoners! They demand that we participate in their joy and nostalgia or they will mow us down with their militant tanks of holiday spirit.

Actually, we wish them well. All we really want is for them to leave us alone and let us mourn in peace and quiet. We prefer our “Silent Nights” to their “Deck the Halls” and Jingle Bells.” We don’t intentionally spoil their fun, it’s just that our pain makes them uncomfortable. They’ve been conditioned to believe that “The Holiday Season” should have no blemish of suffering or lack of frivolity. We must not only bandage our wounds while in their presence, but cover them with taffeta and sequins besides. They are convinced that all we need is to “put on a happy face” and all our sorrows will magically evaporate.

In their mad pursuit of happiness, they shoot us with the bullets of shopping, piped-in music, special holiday foods and fragrances, gift wrapping, decorations (especially the angels!), joyous children with happy smiles, cards, invitations, parties and gift exchanges. Any other time of the year, snow is considered a nuisance to shovel and plow through. At the holiday season, though, it is touted as romantic and is linked to sleighs and starry nights in front of fireplaces, snuggled close to those we love.

The most devastating bombs they drop into our lives are the images of reunion — times of greeting and hugging folks who are much loved and sometimes not often seen for awhile. They may only be separated by geography; our absent loved ones cannot cross the chasm of loss that looms before our tear-filled eyes. They remind us of things we should be thankful for (and we are more thankful for many of those things than they can ever imagine). They prod us with their spears of delightful togetherness, never realizing that what they celebrate is what we cannot now enjoy. We would not dream of attacking them in these battles for holiday survival. With our noses pressed against the glass that divides us, we actually long to be able to be part of their happiness. We remember the times we joined in their fun and we, too, were part of their army of nostalgia and joy.

Our broken hearts and bleeding wounds do not excuse us from being gracious, however. While grief does not give us permission to be rude and selfish, and we take no overt action against their aggression, we are not without defenses in these battles. We can shield ourselves with the armor of dignity with kind but direct and simple explanations: “We understand your need for celebration, but this year we prefer quiet and private reflection and meditation.” “Right now it’s hard for us to function in large groups and to appreciate laughter and high spirits.” “Our energy is so limited; we’d appreciate some quiet one-on-one time with you in a more spiritual atmosphere.”

We can gently remind them of how important it is for us to remember those we love who are gone. These are statements that clarify our position without judging or criticizing them for theirs. In kind and non-threatening ways, we need to tell them what’s good for us, because they won’t think of it on their own, and they can use the education.

We also can exercise the muscles of our sense of humor. It will take some effort on our part, but so does anything that is worthwhile and good for us. We can teach ourselves not to fall into the trap of thinking that our grief makes us the center of the universe. We can limit our demands that others treat us in “special” and “deferential” ways because of our pain. We can cut them a little slack and remember that once upon a time, we were just like they are now. It’s good and healthy for us to review our perspectives now and then and decide if we’re being fair and reasonable.

We can express our love in simple and unhurried ways without all the frenetic, expensive and often hysterical hype that the holidays can generate. And we must exercise the expression of our love. Grief does not rob us of our ability to love; it reminds us ever more dramatically of our need to both give and receive love while we are here.

Whenever we can take some control in our situations, we empower ourselves, and then we feel less like victims in what seems like a war of “peace on earth, goodwill toward men.” Anytime we can educate and inform with mercy and compassion, we have given a truly spiritual holiday gift of love that will keep on giving forever.

May your season be filled with genuine blessings of peace.

Thanksgiving-My Child has died, can I ever be thankful?

This time next week it will be Thanksgiving and for many of us who've lost children, we can't imagine being "thankful"...  Almost a year after my son Bobby died and just months after I'd begun this blog and first began receiving emails from mom's and others outside of our group, I received this story about Thanksgiving - I apologize but I didn't save the name of whom sent it to me, but I want to share it with you.. 

The holidays are difficult, and for some, as hard as we try we can't seem to get back into them the way others wish we would...  but I find her comments in the last paragraph comforting and inspirational, and what I've learned since Bobby's death (also 2 months before Thanksgiving in 2009) is that I am thankful - I am thankful he was born, that he was my son, that I enjoyed him for 36 years and 23 days and that he gave me two beautiful grandsons who remind me of him every time I look at them and I'm glad that Bobby is now with his 2 angel sisters in heaven; and I'm thankful for my wonderful husband Dan, 2 incredible sons Ric & Sean & 2 great step-sons Dan Jr & Doug, 5 daughter-in-laws who I love Margaret, Jennifer, Nikki, Suzanne & Mandi, my adopted daughter Jennifer and 9 1/4 grandchildren that I've been blessed with.. Yes - I have a lot to be thankful for..

THANKSGIVING… MY CHILD HAS DIED, DON’T EXPECT ME TO BE THANKFUL!!

~ By Linda Moore

Dear friends...If this is your first Thanksgiving since the death of your child, I am so very sorry. There is nothing I can say here to make it better, wish I could. Everyone has to do the holiday thing in their own way...whatever might make you the most comfortable. I will share with you part of my Thanksgiving story…

For years our family had gone away for Thanksgiving. We were joined by extended family and it was always a good time. When our kids were little, we all went camping, cooked the turkey outside in a smoker. Some great memories there.

As the kids got older, and I figured out that fixing a big meal outdoors was only fun for everyone else, not the ones bringing everything for it and fixing it! Our game plan then changed and we began going to a hotel on the beach in Carlsbad. Now that was the say to go. We had a big suite, nice heated pool at the ocean’s edge and maid service!!

Then one year, Brad died two months before Thanksgiving. I could not fathom feeling Thankful. My child had died!! 


All the hotel arrangements had been made the year before. We were on automatic pilot and just went with the flow. I did insist on everyone sharing a memory with Brad and lighting a candle in his memory. When I made this request, there were probably some anxious moments…I don’t remember, nor did I care. In some ways I think it was good for us sticking with some of the traditions that Brad loved and adding new ones to honor him. Was it hard? No doubt. Should we have stayed home, gone somewhere else? No matter where we would have gone, he still would not have been there...there is no getting around that. The pain would have been with us no matter where we were.

We told Brad we loved him, writing it in huge letters in the sand. I spent quiet moments by myself, walking on the beach. I cried by myself and with others. I even laughed a couple of times as we shared silly moments of other Thanksgiving days with Brad. Most of the day I felt I was in the “twilight zone” - participating but removed.

That night, when I was by myself, I sat and wrote a letter to Brad – a letter telling him how thankful I was that he was my son, that I had him for those 17 years, 364 days...That I was thankful for every moment, great, good and not so good. I was thankful for the love we still had.

Have I ever had a “normal” Thanksgiving again? NO...no, I have rearranged things in my mind...some

things I keep to myself so others can fully enjoy the day. But I always include Brad in some way. I cannot change that he is no longer physically here...so I have to change my world to make way for this new life of mine and make the best of it.

Pain and Healing..

On Pain and Healing... From the chapter, “Time Does Not Heal All Wounds,” of the book, “Good Grief,” by Deborah Morris Coryell

In pain management used for patients with chronic pain, it is taught not to tighten around the pain but to relax and allow the pain to be present.

The idea is that when pain is resisted, it intensifies. When we breath deeply and acknowledge the presence of pain, it has room to move and can dissipate more readily. Pain is there to tell us something, to warn us of possible danger. This is as true for emotional, spiritual and mental pain as it is for physical pain. When pain speaks, we need to listen. All it takes is paying attention to our pain so that when it comes we remember to breathe and get soft. We don’t want to fight with our pain. We want to learn from it.

Time does not heal. But healing does take time. Give yourself the gift of time. To become whole means that as we open to the pain, we open to the loss. We break open and, as a consequence, we get bigger and include more of life. We include what would have been “lost” to us if our hearts and minds had closed against the pain, we include what would have been lost if we had not taken the time to heal.

As singer/songwriter Carly Simon tells us:  “There’s more room in a broken heart.” 

Grief reactions when we lose our beloved children...

Losing a child.... no one has to tell any of us who have had this experience, that without question, it is by far the most devastating thing that can happen to anyone in their life…   There are so many days in the first weeks, months and years when we truly feel as though we are losing it and unable to cope with even the smallest things – it’s important for you to remember, that no matter what you are feeling – your feelings are normal…

Time does not erase your pain or the severity of your loss – but what time will do, is soften the pain and heartache.  Until then, remember that what you are going through and feeling are all normal and the price we pay for loving our children as much as we did and will continue to love then as long as we live…  so be patient with yourself and those around you as you continue on this journey, one step at a time…

Grief reactions following the death of a child are similar to those following other losses, but are often more intense and last longer. Parents commonly experience the following grief reactions:

·         Intense shock, confusion, disbelief, and denial—even if the child's death was expected

·         Overwhelming sadness and despair, such that facing daily tasks or even getting out of bed can seem impossible

·         Extreme guilt—some parents will feel they have failed in their role as their child's protector and will dwell on what they could have done differently

·         Intense anger and feelings of bitterness and unfairness at a life left unfulfilled

·         Fear or dread of being alone and overprotecting their surviving children

·         Feelings of resentment toward parents with healthy children

·         Feeling that life has no meaning and wishing to be released from the pain or to join the deceased child

·         Questioning or loss of faith or spiritual beliefs—assumptions about the world and how things should be do not fit with the reality of a child's death

·         Dreaming about the child or feeling the child's presence nearby

·         Feeling intense loneliness and isolation, even when with other people—parents often feel that the magnitude of their loss separates them from others and that no one can truly understand how they feel

·         Some people expect that grief should be resolved over a specific time, such as a year, but this simply is not true. The initial severe reactions are not experienced continuously with such intensity; rather periods of intense grief come and go over a period of 18 months or more. Many parents find that the pain the second year is often more intense than the first because reality truly begins to set-in that they are never coming back... Over time, waves of grief gradually become less intense and less frequent, but feelings of sadness and loss will likely always remain.

·         Developmental milestones in the lives of other children can trigger emotions of grief even years after a child's death. Significant days such as graduations, weddings, or the first day of a new school year are common “grief triggers”.

·         Most parents, no matter how long it's been since their child died, find themselves thinking about how old their child would be or what he or she would look like or be doing if he or she were still alive.

Remember you are not alone on this painful and sometimes frightening journey – together we can and will support each other, so don’t try to do it alone…  

Mom's little white lies....

I've met a lot of mom's who are in this private club of "grieving moms" since my first child, Randee Marie, died in March 1971 and I think this poem describes almost every one of those moms very accurately.... Sad isn't it, that typically the only one who recognizes those "little white lies" are another mom from the same private club... This poem is from each of our angel children "to those around us!!!  ... Cherie Houston

ASK MY MOM HOW SHE IS

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before.
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Mom how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
Because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my Mom how she is,
She'll say "I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night?

Ask my Mom how she is,
She seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake Mom, just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.

I am Here in Heaven.
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here, Mom,
With all the lies you told!"

I love you Mom – Happy Mother’s Day!

-Unknown

Mothers Day is Upon Us

~ by Vivian Gans, TGF/Camden County, New Jersey

It’s May and the earth is getting warmer.  The flowers are in full bloom.  The birds are back.  Young animals are running around and butterflies will soon be fluttering about.

Mothers Day is upon us and for a newly bereaved parent this day brings with it a great pain for your heart and soul.  It s a heartache for those who have lost their only child/children.  The question   “Am I still a mother?” dances in their heads.  For anyone who conceived a child, they will still be a mother, no matter what.  Don’t ever let anyone try to take that away from you.  From the time that child is conceived and starts to grow in our bodies, we are mothers.

Those of us who have other children, don’t forget them.  We are their mother also,.  Our living children need us, sometimes now more than ever.  They need our help and support for all the heartaches and pressures here on earth, including that of losing their brother or sister.

This Mothers’ Day, think of the child you lost; but most of all reach out and hug the child or children you still have here with you if you are fortunate to have children still with you. 

For those of you have lost your only child, look around.  There are children whose mothers have turned their back on their children, there are children who are hurting because they have no mother.. Look around your neighborhood, school or church.  There is someone to whom you could each out and be a friend..

Believe

~ by Betty Stevens

BELIEVE

Crocuses poke their heads through the crusty snow

To let us know the long, bleak winter is ending

And Spring will come again.

So, too, the long bleak winter of your

aching, breaking heart will end and

Spring will come again one day.

Be patient ~ but believe it~

Your Spring will come again. 

Butterfly Dust Poem

On this Valentine's Day as we remember our children, I hope you will enjoy this poem.  I don't remember when I received this - I know it was before my son Bobby died  but since my daughters Randee and Robin died, no I'm not sure why or from whom, but I've had it quite some time and hope you might might enjoy it as much as I do.. it reminds me that life was never meant to go the way we'd hoped - that's normal - but if we enjoy the moments we are blessed with as they are happening, then they will never be lost...  Happy Valentines Day to each of you.. Cherie Houston

Butterfly Dust

~ by James A. Kisner ~

Remembering when I was young so many years ago,

About the things that kids will try because they want to know.

Someone had told me way back then of something I should try,

That I could flap my arms and fly just like a butterfly.

I didn't know if it was true or if he fibbed to me,

But I had to try because of curiosity.

He told me if you caught a dozen butterflies or so,

And gently rubbed them on your arms and legs and let them go.

The dust that was upon their wings would start to make you light,

And if you caught enough of them the dust would give you flight.

So all day long out in a field I did what I was told,

And thought of being Peter Pan when I was 5 years old.

I caught the little butterflies and rubbed them on my skin,

My arms and legs and everywhere, I even rubbed my chin.

He had said a dozen but I strived for even more,

I wanted more than I would need so I could really soar.

Late that afternoon I felt that it was time to try,

I now had all the powder of a giant butterfly.

Excitement overwhelmed me as I climbed upon a fence,

In my mind it had to work, it had made so much sense.

So standing on the fence post with my arms outstretched and tight,

Planning all my destinations on my maiden flight.

Should I go see Mikey and land in his yard some place?

Or should I just fly by my mom so I can watch her face?

Maybe I should just take off and plan it in the air,

Once I get the hang of it, I can go anywhere.

Now the moment has arrived; I leap and look around,

But suddenly I find myself just sitting on the ground.

I must have done it wrong, I should have flapped my arms I know,

Even butterflies must flap their wings to make them go.

So on the fence post I would go and find the secret power,

Trying everything I knew which took almost an hour.

Finally sitting on the ground after my last try,

I faced the grim reality that it was just a lie.

Dusting myself off and sadly going on my way,

I realized at that young age to watch what people say.

Thinking back over the years the lessons I have learned,

Thinking of that first time when my trusting heart was spurned.

Realizing now as then some people can be cruel,

Getting much enjoyment out of making you the fool.

But such is life and as we age we learn from our mistakes,

Sometimes trusting brings you joy but other times heartaches.

But trust we do and trust we must to live in harmony,

Realizing in this life that what will be will be.

Life is never what we want or goes how we have planned,

Sometimes life will throw you curves that we don't understand.

Sometimes in our happiness our life comes crashing down,

And in our pain we feel as if we're sprawled upon the ground

One day we feel as if we soar like eagles in their flight,

When everything that life can bring seems beautiful and right.

But in a moment life can change; the pendulum will swing,

And painful heartache mixed with tears is what the day will bring.

As life goes on you realize that everyday is new,

And what you thought was in the future now comes into view.

Life has a way of fleeing by before our very eyes,

And suddenly we realize it caught us by surprise.

So as you plan the future and whatever comes your way,

Don't forget to take the time to just enjoy today.

Tomorrow is not promised it is just a future plan,

Today the sun is shining so enjoy it while you can.

Then as you do remember life will sometimes bring you pain,

But always brings experience and wisdom we can gain.

So as we travel through this life we live and love and trust,

And smile and know that sometimes life can be like butterfly dust.