Reminder for Dads and Grandfathers-You are not alone...

You are not alone...

The strength of the men around me had always been something I envied, with one exception.. when my children died... It was during those three life events, when my three children died - my little girl Randee Marie in 1970 shortly after her birth-Randee and her twin brother Ric who is now 43 and the father of 2 of my beautiful grandchildren were born 12 weeks prematurely; again the following year when my 2nd daughter Robin Marie died tragically from SIDS, and then again in September 2009 when my 36 year old son Bobby, took his own life, leaving a wife and 2 very small sons - no when these incidents happened, I no longer envied the men in my life.....

Quite the opposite, although I remember wishing and praying I could be as strong as those men around me "Stoic, strong, unbending, unemotional, able to conceal the obvious overwhelming pain", but I eventually realized that all that I'd seen was not what it appeared...  I realized it was much more difficult for so many of the men who have these same tragic experiences...  the dads, grandfathers, uncles & brothers who experienced these horrific lose - why was it worse for them (an not easier as I'd thought), it was  because they couldn't openly grieve, or at least they felt they couldn't!

Because while most women don't try to "toughen up" during these most difficult hours, we just grieve without thinking about what other's think, we simply grieve in whatever way we do...but sadly, so many men feel they must be the strong one, the brave one, that they must hide their emotions, their tears and their pain.. but when it is the death of their child or grandchild, no man - father or grandfather should feel pressured to be anything but grieving...they like the women in their lives just need to be able to grieve, in whatever way they need to do to deal with the unimaginable grief.....

So dads and grandfathers, you aren't alone...  Thanks to other grieving dads who struggled with their own journeys of grief and have found ways to work with and help other grieving dads, like Kelly Farley at www.grievingdads.com and author of "Grieving Dads:  To the Brink and Back"; Dan Hoppes, who along with his wife Judy founded Heartbeat of Havasu for bereaved parents of children who ernded their own lives; and the grieving fathers and mothers who founded other support groups Bereaved Parents www.bereavedparentsusa.org  and The Compassionate Friends www.compassionatefriends.org and thousands of others in many communities throughout the United States and almost every country of the world...

Our children are not supposed to die before us, but sadly they do... And coping with hat horrible reality isn't easy so reach out... Anyone who loves and cares about you and your famjily will understand and if they don't that is their problem - not yours... we can only hope that they will never know this unimaginable heartache that comes for the death of our beloved children, no matter their age...

So know that you are in our thoughts and prayers in this month of June - the moth when Father'as Day is celebrated and also throughout the year... No matter how you grieve, know that you are without any doubt stronger than most around you because you have endured a pain and heartache like no other...  Cherie Houston

As parents do we ever really say Good Bye??

~ by Cherie Houston

I recently read that two of the hardest things to say in life are “Hello” for the first time and “Goodbye” for the last time…I’d never thought about it until I read this, but how true..  But as parents can we ever really say goodbye to our children – even when they die…  I believe Gandhi is right when he says:  There are no good-byes, where ever you'll be, you'll be in my heart. ~ Gandhi

My daughter Robin Marie died forty years ago today.  We were living in Dallas, Texas – Robin was 7 months and 2 days old – Robin was born Dec. 29^th, 1971 – just 9 months after her twin siblings..  She was already pulling herself up in her crib & playpen and was holding on and could walk around the couch – all the time smiling with the proudest sense of accomplishment.  We’d been to the pediatrician the day before she died. "She’s doing wonderfully & thriving" we were told – she received the usual vaccines – and it was an uneventful afternoon and evening and she went down that night as usual.  A Close neighbor friend of ours was there that evening, she had just had a little girl and couldn’t find a christening gown she liked, so I had I pulled Robin’s christening gown from my hope chest for her to borrow…

A little before 7am the next morning I awoke to the most horrible screams of anguish – it was my husband – he’d awoken and gone in to give Robin her bottle in her crib with a beautiful eyelet canopy, in the red white & blue nursery that she shared with her older brother Ricky.  Ricky was 9 months older than Robin and with the noise of his daddy he also began to cry… I’m not sure what made me call 911 before I even got out of bed, but I did.  I don’t remember what my husband may have said that made me do that, but I did.  By the time I got to the nursery, which was just steps away from our room, her daddy was sitting on the floor rocking her, begging God not to let this happen again, not to take our second child..  You see 16 months prior, when Rickey was born, his twin sister Randee Marie had died the day after she was born, they were 12 weeks premature and she just wasn’t strong enough..  We were blessed that Ricky did survive (and I might add that today Ric continues to thrive and has 2 beautiful children of his own – a 12 year old son and 8 year old daughter, whom is named after his twin sister and ironically was born on the same day Randee had died, March 17^th, 31 years later…

That morning, 40 years ago, the moment I took Robin from her daddy*, I knew she was already with her sister Randee in heaven. I’ve never been one to lock our doors, so the Police, Fire Dept and EMT’s had no problem getting into our home and in moments our beautiful nursery on the 2^nd floor was filled with first responders, tears, questions and I remember praying that God would just take us all…. After that everything gets hazy.. I don’t remember who or how Rickey was taken from his crib, or how we got downstairs, but I vividly remember being downstairs in our living room when the EMT’s took Robin from our home. My poor husband*, her dad, was totally numb and overcome with grief…  As the EMT’s came downstairs carrying Robin, I remember 3 things – watching one of the first responders on our back patio crying inconsolably and being comforted by another officer and my yelling at him to stop crying (I learned later that it was his first day back to work after losing his own 4 month old son to SIDS);  I also remember looking at her beautiful christening gown laying on the dining room table and wondering why it was last night that I'd taken it out - the Christening wasn't for another few weeks; and I remember them asking me if we wanted to say good-bye, I remember telling them I would never say good-bye and then I remember crying and thinking the tears would never stop...

But the tears did stop, I'm not sure how but there were calls to make, arrangements to be made.  We were in Dallas, Texas and all our family was in New England - I knew we needed to take Robin back to Massachusetts to be her little sister; I knew we needed our families around us.  I also remember apologizing to our neighbor Beth that I couldn’t loan her the christening gown because I wanted Robin to wear that… and then the tears began again....

Within hours we were flying back to Boston and stayed in New England for several weeks – we were blessed that our close friends in Texas took care of the nursery including removing all of her things and buying Ricky a big boy bedroom set and redoing the room with stars and planets.  I remember the tears coming again when Robin was buried on August 6^th with her little sister – but still I couldn’t say good-bye..  The tears continued on and off for many months. I can remember sometimes feeling as though I couldn’t possibly have any tears left; there were days when I would scream – at anyone or anything – just scream as though I were insane; and I vividly remember picking up a jar of baby of food in the grocery store & breaking down when I realized I no longer needed to buy it, and leaving everything where it stood as I ran to the privacy of my car, again the tears wouldn't stop...  

I was blessed to have several reasons to continue on – first I had to take care of my 16 month old son Ricky, who was too young to understand what had happened but missed his playmate terribly and would look for her everywhere so we talked about her all the time he and I; then Dr. Sturner who was the Dallas Medical Examiner and became my mentor as I quickly immersed myself in establishing the first SIDS chapter in Dallas – which for me saved my sanity for sure-meeting other families help me to cope with all the mixed feelings of guilt, anger and whatever else there may have been going on in my mind at the time…and last by not least, was the fact that I became pregnant again, with my son Bobby – who was born the following August 27^th, 1973… 

Looking back now I remember how hard it was to say “hello” to Bobby for the first time and how the tears came without warning - mixed tears of joy and sorrow; and when Bobby died 36 years later on Sept. 19^th, 2009 the tears came again, but I also made a conscious decision again not to say good-bye.  I know that they are not nor will they ever be physically with us again, but I just don't feel it is necessary to say goodbye to any of them - to his sisters Randee Marie in Mach 1971 or Robin Marie in July 1972, and I'll not say good-bye to Bobby either… 

I am blessed to have 3 guardian angels (4 actually because my grandmother Mae is with them I believe) and I talk to the 4 of them continually.  I believe they are responsible for my always getting the best parking space no matter where we go and how crowded it may be, they are the dragonflies who visit us often and in states where dragonflies normally don’t frequent; and I’ve been blessed not to dream of any of them, which is probably best so I’m never tempted to say good-bye..…. 

I do talk to them often but I also believe it is so important for every parent who loses a child to have people to talk to  - people who will let you talk and who don't judge what you say....  I’m convinced that this rarely can be a family member because family is also hurting, family and most friends are simply too close to the situation.  We each need someone who will let us say anything that needs saying, whether it hurts or not.  After my girls it was Dr. Sturner in Dallas and the countless parents I worked with thru our SIDS chapter; since Bobby’s death it has been the wonderful moms of our Journey from Mourning to Joy group where we live in Lake Havasu City, AZ – their founder Joyce Floyd called me within weeks of Bobby’s death and Joyce and her “team” (all moms who have been on this same journey) have been my rocks and inspiration ever since that first call weeks after Bobby's death and then of course each of the moms who share in this and so many other blogs….  If you aren’t one for support groups, then find a minister, health care professional, counselor or even a even a grief hotline, which are manned by people who are trained to listen – many of whom have been where you are…

As much as we love our family, friends, spouses, siblings etc. it’s important to understand how very personal and unique grief is to each of us – there is not right or wrong way – we each have to find our own way through it…  So for me, it's not good-bye - it is "until we meet again"!  and yes the tears still fall on days like this....

*Note-I wish someone like Kelly Farley and the Grieving Dads Project had been around for my ex-husband (the father of my 3 children who have died) 40 years ago.. So many dads, like him, are never able to cope with these loses and by not facing or dealing with the grief, so many aspects of their lives suffer for years o come.....

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to new understandings with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints in our heart, and we are never ever the same”  ~ Chicken Soup for the Soul 

A note for grieving dads this Father's Day weekend

A few weeks ago, on June 2nd, I copied a posting from Kelly Farley's Blog for Grieving Dads on our blog.  This morning I'd like to share Kelly’s newest blog posting, which is the Preface in his book Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back which has just been published...  I'm hoping that Kelly's strength will help a grieving dad that you know cope with their new world without their child... and on this Father's Day weekend, they might be able to smile just a little when remembering the joy that child brought them... Cherie Houston

“AUTHOR’S PREFACE” from Kelley farley

It has been a very exciting and difficult 2.5 years trying to develop this book for grieving dads.  There were times I wasn’t sure it was going to happen and there were other times I thought I had taken on more than I could handle.  Times were I asked myself “am I the one to be doing this?”  It was a challenge to hear the stories and see the raw emotions, the pain in others that went to the core of the person, pain I was all to familiar with.  But there were other times where I knew I was the guy to be writing this book because I walked in the shoes of these grieving dads and it was my responsibility to look back and extend a hand to help pull others through the aftermath of losing a child.  Some of you have already purchased my new book and may have already read this, but I also wanted to share it with others that visit this blog.  Thank you to all for the continued support throughout this project.

“Author’s Preface”

If you have ever loved a child, then you understand what it’s like to love someone more than you love life itself. If you have ever lost a child, then you understand more about hell than anyone could possibly be expected to know.

If you have lost a child, you also understand this isn’t something you get over. Only those who have lost a child can understand the depths to which this pain travels.

Like most of the men who will read this book, I too am a grieving dad. I lost two beautiful babies over an eighteen-month period, and those losses have had major and irreversible impacts on my life. To be quite honest, my psychological response to these losses scared the hell out of me. I felt out of control — because I was out of control. I couldn’t change the fact that my children died. I couldn’t stop hurting. I didn’t just cry — I physically wept inside. There were times when there were no tears, and it felt like I was convulsing internally.

All of this scary stuff started to pile up on me, and when I finally decided to check my “manly” inclinations at the door and seek a bit of help, I discovered that I was in for a surprise. Almost all of the resources I could find on the subject of grieving for a child was directed either toward women or “parents.” I put “parents” in quotation marks, because in my experience, most of what I read for grieving parents was written for mothers. If I did come across something aimed at grieving dads, it was usually advice about how to comfort their wives.

I’m sure there’s something worthwhile out there. But in the absence of anything that jumped out and kicked me in the head, I decided to pursue the issue myself. Part of the result can be found right here within these pages.

The message I want bereaved fathers to understand is that I know it’s hard, I know it hurts, I know it’s scary — but you can get through this. You can survive. It will be the hardest thing you will ever experience; it will drain you physically, mentally, and emotionally. You can come out on the other side of this very long and lonely tunnel, but you will be a different person when you do. There is no going back to the old you.

I also want all grieving dads to know that they are not alone in their grief. I want them to understand that other men have been through this and that the emotions they keep inside are the same emotions they’ll hear about from the many men whose stories appear in this book.

Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back aims to bring awareness to the impacts that child loss has upon fathers. It is also meant to let society know it’s okay for a father to grieve the loss of a child. Society expects men to react differently than women. As a result, men oftentimes grieve in silence, usually when they are alone. A father shouldn’t have to hide his pain or feel ashamed to show his emotions when dealing with the loss of a child.

I am also hopeful that this book will bring insight to the women in these men’s lives about how their husbands, brothers, fathers, or male friends may be feeling.

You will hear from the men in this book that life has been forever changed after the death of a child. It is virtually impossible to continue through life as if nothing happened; you can’t run from it, and you can’t hide from it. Society expects men to “take it like a man,” but it’s not realistic or fair to ask a father to behave that way. The best thing any father can do for himself and for others around him is to reach out for help, and to know it is not a sign of “weakness” to do so. Instead, it’s a sign of courage and strength — the kind that’s required to face this battle head on.

During the deepest, darkest days of my grief, I made a promise to my daughter, Katie, my son, Noah, and myself that once I was strong enough, I would reach out to other dads that are traveling this lonely road known as unspeakable loss. I would do this to help these other dads come to terms with their loss, to help them find their way, to help them cope, and somehow, to help them survive this profound life event. I didn’t know how I would do all of this, but I would find a way.

This book is a result of that promise.

For more information about Kelly’s book and his wonderful blog for dads (and moms)… at this link which is also on our list of favorite websites..:

http://www.grievingdads.com/