Valentine's Day Can Be A Very
Painful Holiday.....
Most
of us who are grieving brace ourselves for the traditional Holiday Season,
which begins at Halloween, continues through Thanksgiving, crests with
Christmas and Hanukkah, and ends with New Year’s Eve. While the Season can be
wonderful for many, it can be a very difficult time for those who are grieving
the recent death of someone important to them, such as a child, spouse or
parent.
You
might erroneously think that once the new year has passed, grievers will have
some relief from the constant reminders that someone they love is no longer
alive. But by early January, the marketing machine revs up for the next cycle
of cards and gifts—to usher in Valentine’s Day.
Every
flower shop, card store, jewelry store, candy store, drug store, and
supermarket decorates its shelves and aisles with the traditional pink and red
hearts and clever Cupid images to compel us to celebrate our romantic love with
our significant others and the magic of love with our children..
For anyone who has lost a loved one - a spouse, child,
parent or anyone close to us, this can be one of the most painful of all
holidays. The romantic arrows from Cupid’s bow, now become painful darts that
hit us in our emotional center - reminding of us of lost loves...
After
all, most of us begin the Valentine traditions in pre-school, when we begin
making Valentine’s cards for friends and family. As we get older, we shift our
focus from family and friends to romantic attachments. By the time we are
courting, dating, creating long-term relationships and bringing children into
this world, Valentine’s Day becomes the day we use to declare or reaffirm our
bonds of love.
As
our relationships blossom and grow, the annual celebration of Valentine’s
day—along with anniversary date—becomes the most personal and special loving
tradition. And as with the cards, flowers and candies, the image of the heart
is always used to symbolize that love.
When
someone we love dies, our emotional heart is broken. The heart—the very symbol
of the Valentine’s Day celebration—is the aspect of our being that is most
damaged by the death of a child or spouse.
Compounding
the heartache is the fact that there is very little societal awareness of the
pain being experienced by those who are dealing with the death of a child or
spouse that first Valentine’s Day after their child or spouse has died. Even
surrounded by family and friends, they may feel isolated, alone, and as if no
one understands. And those feelings can extend long past the first few years.
"Grief
is the feeling of reaching out for someone whom you thought would always be
there, sharing the future with you, only to discover when you least expect it, they
are no longer there.”
Grief
is the normal and natural immediate reaction when someone we
love dies, especially a child or spouse. The range of emotions that encompass
grief is very wide, and is not limited to sadness. The feelings are a
reflection of the many different aspects of the relationship and even the
circumstances of their deaths.
That
range of feelings is also the normal and natural reaction when
you are reminded that someone who has been such a big part of your life is
gone, even if the reminder is months or years after they have
died. Some special days and some events are powerful reminders of
the fact that someone very important is missing from our life. Valentine’s Day,
like birthdays and anniversaries, is one of those very special days, which can
create an immense amount of painful emotional energy.
Unfortunately,
when a grieving parent or spouse talks about their sadness and other feelings,
they are often met with comments like, “Don’t feel sad, you should feel
grateful for the time you had.” It is probably accurate to say that one of the
feelings a grieving parent or spouse might have is gratitude. But gratitude is
unlikely to be the most dominant feeling at holiday events. Sadness,
loneliness, and confusion are more likely to be the emotions that well up in a
grieving person on special occasion holidays, especially the first of each of
those events following the death.
Grieving
parents and spouses also hear the incorrect idea that we all learn from an
early age, that “Time heals all wounds,” or “Grief just takes time.” Believing
that to be true, the griever waits to feel better. But time is neutral. Time,
of itself, does not do anything except pass and many parents and
widows/widowers who are grieving say that over time their pain seems to get
worse.
It is
accurate to say that grieving people are not broken, and do not need to be
fixed. To a great extent, what they need is for someone to listen to them,
without judgment, analysis, or criticism. It is also realistic
to say that grieving people are left with some unfinished emotional business.
Even
when the best of relationships is ended by death, those left behind discover
things they wish had been different, better, or more; and are painfully aware
of unrealized hopes, dreams, and expectations about the future.
It
has been said that Grief and loss are the price to be paid for loving
someone..and the more we love the stronger that sense of grief and
loss..
