Helping yourself thru the grief journey

Thank you to Sandy Olan, Hingham, MA for sending me the following article which she has found helpful since the death of her infant son, Jeremy.  This was written by Nyomi Graef

ACCEPT THAT GRIEVING IS NORMAL - It’s normal to cry, get angry and have emotional outbursts more so than usual while we’re grieving. Emotions usually settle down in time, although they might be triggered in future if particular things remind us of the loss.

ALLOW OURSELVES TIME TO GRIEVE - How long the grieving process lasts depends on a number of things. Take the loss of a loved one. How close we were to them, the types of memories we shared and how the person died are some factors that can affect how long we mourn.

SURROUND OURSELVES WITH GOOD FAMILY AND FRIENDS - Spending a lot of time alone while you’re grieving can make the feelings of loss worse. Keep in regular contact with people you love and trust.

DO OUR BEST TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULL DESPITE THE LOSS - I know a lady who lost her father when she was quite young. She told me that although she misses her father and feels the loss, he would want her to be happy. After his death she made a conscious decision to do her best to live a happy and fulfilling life despite the tragedy. The late Australian conservationist Steve Irwin said a similar thing when discussing the passing of his mother during an interview before his death.

KEEP BUSY - As bad as the pain may be, do your best to do something productive and worthwhile, and have a normal routine, while you grieve. Be kind and patient with yourself if you aren’t as productive or accurate as you usually are – it’s normal.

MAKE TIME FOR THINGS WE ENJOY - When we lose something or someone we love we might not put enough time aside to enjoy ourselves. To help us heal emotionally, it’s important to still do things that boost our spirits. Walk, play sport or computer games. Listen to uplifting songs that help heal the pain. Visit friends and family. Watch comedies – whatever it is that you like.

HAVE FAITH - People who have faith can turn to it to help them through a loss. Believing that God or “The Universe”, for example, has a “grand plan” for each of us, and loves us, can help us mourn.

HAVE CONSTRUCTIVE BELIEFS - If you believe life will never be as good after the loss, this is likely to come true for you. If you believe that you can, in time, find happiness after the loss, you are more likely to seek-out joy in life and be happy again. Thoughts, beliefs and philosophies are creative, so choose these wisely to be as happy, healthy and successful as you can.

GET HELP IF NEEDED - Friends, family, counselors, support groups, forums, books on grieving and articles about grief on the internet can be good sources of help, support and advice during the grieving process. You are never alone. If you’re losing or gaining too much weight, having digestive problems, severe mood swings or any other emotional or physical problems caused by grieving, seek help before your health is at risk.

Parent & Child - Unique & Special Relationships

There is no relationship like that of parent and child. It is unique and special...

The bond between parent and child is so powerful that its strength endures time, distance, and strife. No loss is as significant as the loss of a child...On the death of a child, a parent feels less than whole. ~ ARNOLD AND GEMMA 1994, 25-27

When a child dies, the sense of absolute emptiness, the lack of wholeness, and the feeling of diminishment after the death of a child are felt by all parents, regardless of marital status; age; language; financial or social circumstances; biological relation to the child; or cultural, racial, or religious background.

Despite the differences among parents, their responses and needs, all have one major need in common-their grief is intense and must be acknowledged.

Yes, you will always grieve to some extent for your child who has died. You will always remember your “baby” - whether an infant or adult child, because no matter their age from the time a pregnancy begins, or circumstance of their death, as parents we all wish beyond wishes that we could smell their smell or hold them in your arms. But as time goes on, this wishing will no longer deplete you of the will to live your own life.  ~ HORCHLER AND MORRIS 1994, 158

When Grandparents Experience the Death of a Grandchild, Part 2 of 2

~ by Debbie Weir, MADD National Director of Victim Services

Listen to your bereaved child - Bereaved parents need to talk about their child, and they need someone who will listen and not feel uncomfortable.  It can be difficult to listen to someone who is ravaged with grief. And often, we can get too preoccupied thinking about what we are going to say to offer comfort. For many people, there is an overwhelming need to alleviate the agony of the grief. The motive is noble but the method is wrong. Rather than doing all the talking, allowing the brokenhearted person to talk can actually go further in helping to heal his or her spirit.

According to Gerner, if you really listen, you’ll understand, and listening is not filling every silence. Listening is the greatest gift you can give your child. If they can’t speak about it directly and choose to communicate by writing letters, emails or other – that’s fine also – just let them speak.

There are times when there are no words, and that’s OK because it’s more important to be there and listen.”

Talk about your grandchild ~ Gerner says that talking about your grandchild tells your child that you care. If tears come, it’s because they’re sad, not because their child’s name was brought up. It can be painful, but talking about the child is healing and therapeutic.  You may feel disoriented, but talking can help; talk even though you know there are no answers.

It helps to remember that there is no timetable for grief. Sometimes there are too many expectations regarding how or when someone is grieving. Don’t expect too much of your grieving child, his or her spouse, or yourself. Remember, The hurt is deep, you wonder how you’re going to climb out of it – But you do, and you begin to see your child and yourself start to live again. That’s when you know there is hope with faith.

Consider your needs and those of your bereaved child - A grandparent’s grief may not be recognized by his or her own child or others, but it is definitely there. It is vital for bereaved grandparents to give themselves permission to grieve and to focus on their own needs.

Grandparents often are referred to as “the forgotten grievers.” They think they should cope better, have all the answers, control the situation and be a role model. But these types of expectations are unrealistic and unhealthy.

Survival guilt and anger ~ No one expects to outlive his own children, much less his grandchildren. And, according to Gerner, reactions of guilt and anger often are intermingled. In fact, grandparents often experience survival guilt because it seems unnatural for a grandparent to outlive his or her grandchild, and they often express the wish that they “could change places” with the deceased child.

Hope for a better day - Bereaved grandparents learn to live without their grandchildren, but there always will be the “might have beens.” That is absolutely normal.

Each day, bereaved grandparents look for a little ray of sunshine to show on their bereaved child’s face. As time goes by and the healing process begins, a ray of hope will shine on your child’s face in his or her smile. There always will be a part of each of you that is gone, but in time you can learn to live with the part that is still there.

Read the entire article which was published in “Let Life In” a publication for those of us over 50, on their website November 24th, 2007:

http://www.letlifein.com/2007/11/24/when-grandparents-experience-the-death-of-a-grandchild

When Grandparents Experience the Death of a Grandchild, Part 1 of 2

~ by Debbie Weir, MADD National Director of Victim Services

When grandparents experience the death of a grandchild, they must grieve even as they help their own children cope with the loss. Cathy Hefflinger and Barb Anderson understand grief. In fact, they understand a particularly debilitating grief many people never consider, few books have been written about and hardly anyone discusses.

It is a sorrow that cuts to the core of one’s being. An upwelling of suffering that brings frustration, helplessness, guilt and anger. It is the death of your child’s child, your grandchild. It’s unbearable because it is two-sided—bringing with it the pain of your grandchild’s death and the innate urge as a parent to protect your own child from the pain of grief.

But grandparents who experience this double-edged grief don’t have to suffer in silence. They can be a tremendous source of strength for their children, while helping themselves along in their own healing journey.

Trying to take away the hurt ~ As a parent, you have an inherent instinct to protect your children from harm and pain. And throughout their lives, you do just that. You kiss away the pain of a scraped knee, wipe away the tears of a broken heart and arm them with love as they venture into the world. But when your child is suddenly facing the pain brought on by the death of his or her child, it can leave you feeling helpless. It is a pain that you, as a parent, cannot fix. And at the same time, it is a pain that you, as a grandparent, are sharing.

Pain from both sides ~ According to Margaret H. Gerner, author of For Bereaved Grandparents, a supportive booklet published by the Centering Corporation, the overwhelming frustration and helplessness bereaved grandparents feel are caused by the knowledge that this is one pain that can’t just be “kissed away.”  Bereaved grandparents who watch their once carefree children struggle with sorrow and pain may wonder, “Where is my power now? Where is my bag of tricks that will make it all better?”

According to Gerner, a grandparent’s grief is like a fork with two tines—one representing the loss of a grandchild, the other representing the pain of your own child’s suffering. You must work through your own grief, and, at the same time, help your bereaved child work through his or her grief. The two paths are complicated because you have to deal with them simultaneously.

“I feel that grandparents suffer a double grief,” Cathy says. “Every day is new because you don’t know what to expect. Is Teresa going to have a good day or bad day? Will I focus on her today or will I focus on my grief today?” According to Gerner, as a parent of a grieving child, you have the opportunity to help in ways no one else can—you can make a difference.

Read the entire article which was published in “Let Life In” a publication for those of us over 50 , on their website November 24th, 2007:

http://www.letlifein.com/2007/11/24/when-grandparents-experience-the-death-of-a-grandchild

Helping Yourself Heal When Your Child Dies – Part 6 of 6

~~Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt

Move Toward Your Grief and Heal - To restore your capacity to love you must grieve when your child dies. You can't heal unless you openly express your grief. Denying your grief will only make it become more confusing and overwhelming. Embrace your grief and heal.

Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself. Never forget that the death of child changes your life forever.

"The experience of grief is powerful. So, too is your ability to help yourself heal. In doing the work of grieving, you are moving toward a renewed sense of meaning and purpose in your life".

Note: Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is a noted author, educator and practicing clinical thanatologist. He serves as a Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School in the Department of Family Medicine. – From the website: http://www.buddhanet.net/r_child.htm

SPRING MAGIC AND YOU!!

Written by Mary Cleckley, BP/USA

As I sit and admire the beautiful lush growth of the trees this spring, I feel renewed. The long and arduous winter we had all over the country had made me wonder if, indeed, the trees would be able to perform their magic this year. A late Spring freeze, after many trees had budded out, had hurt. Some trees were also showing the results of a storm late last fall. In the woods back of my home, the tops of several oaks were broken by the intense winds. The damage is obvious. The still hanging dead limbs and leaves stand out by comparison to the chartreuse color of the new leaves.

We have learned from past experiences that the pines, so plentiful in the South are particularly vulnerable to the forces of nature. We are accustomed to the wind and ice storms taking the tops out of many of them. But it was a surprise when the storm didn’t affect the pines; instead, it took the tops out of many oaks. The oaks are sturdy and as a rule, can stand much of what nature has to offer. They are dependable and deep rooted.

Does what happened to the trees not remind you of what happens to a bereaved family after the death of a child? It takes even the oaks among us and tears the heart out of us, leaving us damaged. For a long time, the damage done is obvious. Our limbs are not necessarily broken but our hearts surely are. The most dependable and sturdy among us are brought to our knees and it is hard to imagine that new growth will ever take place again.
As I look at the oaks back in my woods, I know that one day those dangling dead limbs and leaves will no longer be obvious. They will eventually fall to the ground and nature will set out to repair as much as she is able. As with broken tree limbs and broken hearts, nature will not be able to repair everything perfectly; scars will remain and the shape of the trees and our lives will never be the same. Our recoveries will differ, however, for the trees will continue doing what only they know how to do: grow acorns and replace limbs. We, on the other hand, not only have the opportunity to grow, but also to change in many ways. One does not suffer through such pain without learning valuable lessons about that is important and about priorities.

As the spring revived the trees, let some of the magic spill over on you. Learn to grow in important ways. The pines among us will not learn, but the oaks surely will. When you say your prayers, pray to be an oak.

Regrets & What If's

Regret is an appalling waste of energy, you can't build on it: it's only good for wallowing in. ~~Katherine Mansfield

For most (if not all) of us who have lost a child – there is regret and there are the “what-if’s”.. I thought this segment from “If you Want What We Have” by Joan Larkin is a different way of looking at this topic…


Our comment might be: Someone I hoped would be an important part of my life for years to come has left. I'm devastated. I don't know how much of what happened is my fault; I keep thinking, "If only I hadn't said what I said . . . "


Instead consider this: Human lives are filled with all kinds of separation. Friends, mates, and family members - the people in our lives are only lent to us. If they accompany us for some part of our journey, we're blessed. We don't get to control or keep them.

Sentences beginning "if only" can go nowhere but straight to regret. They support our false belief that we can control what happens in other people's lives. "I should have," "I could have," and "I would have" are all variations on the same theme. They postpone acceptance and necessary grieving.

At times it's we, ourselves, who do the leaving. We can count it a success, not a failure, when we've had the courage to acknowledge the truth of an ending.
 Today, though I may go through some pain as I learn acceptance, I rejoice in the strength and clarity it gives me. ~~ Joan Larkin

Two little reminders...

I usually don't pass on the little stories we often receive on our emails, but I felt this one was absolutely worth sharing which has 2 very important reminders that we often forget...
Cherie Houston

First, and foremost, something we tend to forget: God doesn't give us the people we want; He gives us the people we NEED... to help us, to hurt us, to leave us, to love us and to make us into the person we were meant to be.

Second - Did you Know that Women have One Flaw (I didn't realize we did either)....


Women have strengths that amaze men...
They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream and sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in and stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

However, If There Is One Flaw In Women, It Is That Women Forget Their Worth

It’s Important To Remind Yourself (and the women around you) Just How Special You & They Are

The Three N's of Grief

~ by Kennth C. Haugk - Segments from his "A Time to Grieve" - Book 1

You've suffered one of the greatest losses anyone has to experience - the loss of a loved one - your child.  Your life has been truly turned upside down, and it feels as if part of you is missing.  The very real and human response to such as loss is to grieve.  Yet sometimes, people still feel pressured not to grieve.  The message they receive is that grief is optional, abnormal or even a sign of weakness.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Grief is as very normal, natural and necessary process.  I like to call these the three N's of grief...

• Grief is normal because it is how people respond to a significant personal loss.  It's normal to expect people who've lost someone they love to be deeply affected by their loss.
• Grief is natural in that it's a completely human thing to do.  We can't avoid grief - it's built into us.  We're created to grieve, just as we're created to love.  We love and when we lose someone, we grieve.
• Grief is necessary.  Grief provides a healthy way to cope with the loss and everything it means to us.  Trying to ignore or avoid grief won't work.  It will only make the grief last longer and possibly cause even more pain.

The most important thought I can share with you is GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO GRIEVE.  You're human, so let yourself be human,  Sometimes people begin to feel the tears welling up or emotions starting to flow, they they shut off the faucet and try to hold their feelings back, Letting yourself feel is the best and healthiest thing you can dor for yourself and for those you love.

WORK AFTER THE DEATH OF A CHILD

THE HEARTBREAKING JOURNEY OF RETURNING TO THE WORKPLACE AFTER THE DEATH OF A CHILD
~ by Angela Thomas-Jones
Losing a child is a horrendous, life changing experience and returning to the workplace soon after is something that could be considered an enormous task.
Returning to work after the death of a child is a heartbreaking and traumatic experience. The loss of a young or grown child affects a family in certain ways. It is difficult to inform family let alone work colleagues and strangers of the loss that has just happened to your family.
The loss of a newborn, miscarried or stillborn baby has different and lasting affects. The mother does not only have to deal with the loss of a child and all the plans that she had for its future, but she also has to deal with telling people of her loss while still physically showing signs of her pregnancy. So how can you deal with this situation?

• Take a few days and decide whether you want to tell people straight away or whether you want to wait a while
• When you are ready to tell people at work of your loss start by choosing a communication device. I found that email worked well, because you can tell a large amount of people in one hit and you only have to write the story out once
• If you don’t feel that you can do it yourself find a trustworthy work friend, who can answer the questions for you. Tell them as much (or as little) as you would like people to know and let them know which people you want to be told
• Be honest with people. If they ask you about your pregnancy you have every right to tell them the truth. Don’t ever feel ashamed of what has happened, especially if people are being nosey – a side effect of being pregnant
• Look after and protect yourself. While you may want to tell people straight away, don’t forget to take the time to grieve your loss. A miscarriage through to a full-grown child were all once the same size.
• Take the time to mourn, but find your own way to deal with it
• Go back to work at your own pace, which may be full or part time. Do what you feel like. It’s your work life!

Why Does My Husband Not Hurt Like I Do?

~ Written by Jimmy Hinton - Mar 11, 2008 – published on www.silentgrief.com ~

This was written from a father’s perspective and I think it is beneficial for all of the mom’s to hear another side so that we don’t take their actions or inactions personally and remember that we all grieve differently…

Do you ever wonder why your husband sits, almost robotically, absorbed in his newspaper or television while you cry? Do you ever talk to him—no—pour your heart out to him only to get a blank stare back from him when what you so desperately needed was for him to comfort you? Have you ever wanted to shake him and ask, “Would you just feel the pain I’m feeling for one second?” Grief is like a chameleon and scorpion bred together. It blends into our lives so deviously that we almost don’t know how it rooted itself so deeply into our being. We hardly can see when it comes and goes. All we know is that it’s there, it’s complicated, and it’s real. Then when we put our guard down and things seem like they are going ok, it strikes us without warning. And it hurts.

This is partly why men seem like they’re “not with it” when grief strikes. From the beginning of time, men have been hardwired to be rough, gruff, hunting, farming, hands-on, work-things-out kind of people. Furthermore, men are hardwired to want to rescue their ladies. Women long to be rescued by a hero and that is why they need someone to listen, to care, and to comfort! Men, however, are completely thrown into confusion when grief strikes because there is no easy way to rescue a person from grief! I can listen to my wife for hours when she’s telling me about all the good things that happened to her throughout the day. But as soon as she starts sharing things that really hurt her, I clam up. I don’t know what to say or how to say it. So unfortunately, I usually say. . . nothing. Grief has no magical cure. A husband cannot come in and sweep his wife off her feet and lift her up to happiness. Grief completely confuses the man’s world.

Men, for the most part, are mechanical. By this I don’t mean mechanically inclined. A mechanical man, though he likes adventure and taking risks, needs life to run smoothly. He likes to know he can provide for his family, that he is secure in his job and relationships, and that his family respects him. When his wife is grieving a tremendous loss, his world is thrown so far out of balance that he literally doesn’t know how to function. This is when men slide into their default mode of working with their hands. They pick up the paper, they turn on the television or they go out to work in the garage.

Women, please understand that if a man is quiet or removes himself from the house, this does not mean that he isn’t hurting as bad as you are. In fact, chances are that he’s hurting worse. Men hate seeing their wives hurt. Men grieve in different ways—mostly they have to physically vent their frustration through different hobbies and they absolutely need some alone time.

Men, please understand that grief confuses the woman’s world as much as it confuses yours. The irony is that women need a shoulder to cry on, someone who listens, and for their husbands to be vulnerable and express their emotions—the very things most of us aren’t comfortable doing for them! Even if you don’t know what to say, I promise that if you take time to listen and cry with your wives, you will be their hero and new avenues for healing will be opened.

How To Regain Joy After Loss ~ Tips 10 thru 12

Here are the next three tips to help you regain joy in your life - Tips 10-12; Written by Dr. Lissa Rankin, from the website: http://www.owningpink.com

10. After a reasonable amount of time has passed (during which you get to cry whenever you damn well want to), set aside time to grieve ~ but don’t allow yourself to wallow. Maybe every Wednesday is wailing Wednesdays, when you get to sob uncontrollably all day long. But when Thursday rolls around, brush yourself off and give yourself permission to experience Joy. Go bowling. Watch a funny movie. Meet your friends for a lunch date. Pick wildflowers in a field. Don’t let your loss define your entire existence – of course you will have moments often for years to come, but do your best to brush yourself off and find Joy in your day.


11. Get outside and exercise. If you can’t get motivated, ask someone else to make you accountable.

12. Do something silly. Play on the swings like you’re five again. Stand on your hands and have someone take a picture of you. Paint your toenails green. Get your face painted. Shoot silly string at your best friend when she isn’t expecting it. Dance when nobody else is dancing. It’s okay. People know you’re grieving, so your friends will give you a long leash.

How To Regain Joy After Loss ~ Tips 1 thru 3

As this year winds down and we prepare to welcome a new year - know that it is possible to find joy again.  We hope these tips might help in your journey from mouring to joy as we begin 2010!!  We will share 3 tips each day for the next 5 days - Written by Dr. Lissa Rankin, from the website: http://www.owningpink.com/ We hope you will find them helpful - Here are Tips 1 thru 3

1. First, don’t skip grieving. You can’t possibly hopscotch straight past loss to Joy. But you don’t have to wait years to experience Joy again. When you feel it bubbling up within you, embrace it.

2. Realize that being joyful does not undermine your loss. Don’t make your life a testament to what you’ve lost. You’re not proving anything (that you’re right, that you loved dearly, or that you deserve attention) by staying stuck in your story.

3. Make sure you get enough sleep. Grieving is hard work, and it’s hard to feel joyful when stress is keeping you up at night. If you can’t sleep, seek professional help.