Joyce received this from a mom who attended our annual retreat a few weeks ago in February 2011. Joyce wanted to share it with all of us and has received Pam' s permission to include it in our blog... Pam's 18 yr. old son Alex ended his life July 7, 2005 and I think Pam's note speaks volumes about the benefits not only of participating in the retreat but what each of us gains from the sisterhood of sharing this journey with other moms on the same path, supporting each other as we go....I hope you enjoy it as much as I did..
~ written by Pam Ozsoy, Prescott, AZ 2011 ©
I recently attended a wonderful retreat for mothers who are grieving the loss of a child, no matter how long ago. I was very reluctant to address the loss of my child, as I never discuss it with my family for fear of hitting a raw nerve or with friends who can’t understand my loss. I truly was blessed to have Joyce Floyd, the founder and leader of the grief group, Journey from Grief to Joy, contact me and encourage me to attend, she wouldn’t let me come up with an excuse to back out!
I car-pooled with 2 other women. The retreat was held at Stagecoach Guest Ranch in Yucca, AZ. We arrived a bit late; everyone had already checked in and was participating in the tea party when we walked in. I was over taken by the amount of women present and realized that I was a member of this club, yes, I experienced the trauma of losing my son, it became so realistic to me that I was a statistic. I was somewhat in shock, looking like a deer in headlights, the women around me saw my distress and comforted me and told me it was OK. They made me feel welcome and comfortable.
We had a daily schedule and were expected to participate in all of the activities. The guest speaker was Lynn E. Paulson, PHD. She is a life coach and motivational speaker and lives in Alaska. Her topic was “I Can See Clearly Now”. Do you remember that song, it is by Johnny Nash? It would be great to review the lyrics and see how you can apply that to your grief journey.
I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.
I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin for
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.
Look all around, there’s nothing but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothing but blue skies
The grief process is not the same for everyone; we do not go in order of the stages. We experience different stages of grief at different times. The important thing is to realize that what we are going through is a normal part of grief and that grief is a life long journey.
The emphasis of the retreat was to share information about our children, each one of us had our turn to talk about our loss, how our child died, how old the child was. and the date the death occurred. We also had a treasure table where we placed a picture of our child and a small item belonging to our child that had significant meaning. We shared stories about our child that brought us joy. It felt as though our children were living through us.
I came away from this retreat with a new mind set. During the retreat I realized that I felt that honoring my child meant holding on to the grief and beating myself up, referring back to the song, this was my obstacle. This was how I held on to my child, by practicing self-defeating ideas. Would my son want me to live this way? Don’t we feel that all of God’s children are entitled to live a self-fulfilling life and be the best they can? So why am I stuck in this rut?
The mind is very powerful and a self-talk can make us or break us. The rainbow is that my son is in Heaven with our Holy Father. He is there experiencing more love, joy, and peace than we could ever imagine. He is looking down on me wondering why is my mom living in so much pain? Would he want me to focus only on the pain of his death, is that honoring his time on earth? For me that answer is NO! We had a beautiful love with a bond that will never be broken. He was my gift from heaven, a gift that was on loan as we all are. There are 18 years of life for me to celebrate, why am I reliving his death on a daily basis instead? I realized that this is not giving any meaning to his memory or who he was.
Yes, he isn’t here and it hurts. But I want to recall memories of when he was little, how he grew, what he did and said. Remember the love and kindness and the overflow of empathy. His athletic ability, he was a gifted golfer and made a hole in one ! When he was a teen, every morning he would ask, “What’s for dinner, Mom? “ And then after dinner he would say “Appreciate the effort” (meaning, not so great.) or “Good Effort, Mom” (He liked it). How precious is that?
So I have moved from Grief to Joy. I want his memory to bring me joy and thankfulness that he was my child. Pam Ozsoy, Prescott, AZ 2011 ©
