Grandparents - So often forgotten

Thank you to Shana McLaughlin from Louisiana who is a grandmother of 2 angel grandbabies – Lilly who was only 6 when she died in an auto accident in 1991 and Jeremy was only 31, a young father of 3 year old twins, when he took his own life in November 2011.  Shana was given this shortly after Jeremy died and hopes that it will help another grandparent the way it has helped her and her husband.  I totally agree that grandparents, like siblings can often be forgotten when a child in the family dies, so many thanks for sharing…  Cherie Houston 

Forgotten Grief:

Grandparents are often forgotten because attention and grief are focused on the parents of the child. Grandparents grieving the loss of a grandchild feel a double-edged kind of pain. They feel the pain of not being able to make things better for their own child coupled with the pain of losing a family member. Grief can be complicated, and a grandparent may not feel as if they are allowed to grieve openly.
It's vital that grandparents allow themselves the opportunity to grieve - even if it has to be privately - to allow themselves to process the loss. Take the time and process the loss while focusing on yourself. You're not going to be any help to anyone if you don't allow yourself the opportunity to grieve. And remember, there is no timetable on grief and everyone grieves differently.
Whether your grandchild dies from an infection, is stillborn or a miscarriage, SUDC (Sudden Unexplained Death of a Child), cancer, an accident, took their own life o some other tragedy - the end result is the same: grief, questions, pain, emptiness, and often guilt – and the feeling of a limb being missing, because, well, it is missing.

Survivor's Guilt:

No one ever expects to outlive their own children. It's unnatural to bury a child. As a grandparent, you may feel full of guilt, remorse, and misplaced anger because you have survived while your grandchild has not.
Often, grandparents wish they could change places with the child who has died.
Grandparents may feel haunted by unanswerable questions: "Why didn't I spend more time with the child?" "Why am I alive while my grandchild is dead?"
Grief-stricken grandparents must learn to live their lives but always be haunted by the might-have-beens.
While these feelings come along with the new normal, each day can also bring hope and healing to the bereaved grandparent and their child.

Ways to Process this Tragedy:

·         Don't feel like you have always to be the strong one. It's perfectly fine for you to be sad and show that you're sad.

·         Go through the grief process. It's essential that you process this grief in order to be able to hold up your child.

·         Talk about the grandchild. Remember that you're not going to remind your child of the child they lost. They want you to talk about them. They want people to remember that they existed.

·         Remember that watching your child grieve and long for their child is going to be hard. Your remembering the birthdays and anniversaries of the child's death is going to help them heal over time. And by helping them heal, you will begin to heal. You want to fix them, but since you can't, helping them move through their life without their child is the next best thing.

·         Listen to your child. You cannot heal the pain they're going through, but you can be a shoulder to lean on, someone to wipe their eyes. It may be hard to hear their complicated grief, but they will need you.

Never Forgotten

I love this story, because it reminds me that it healthy to ensure that our children who have gone before us are not forgotten.  Yes, it's OK to remember them and speak their name and share their stories - it's up to us be sure they are remembered..  

Most of us never hesitate to talk about our children and or grandchildren who are thriving, so why are we hesitant to speak of our "angel children" those who are no longer here...  And for me personally, I choose  to focus on, remember and speak of their lives, no matter how short, not how they died...     

~ by Vicki Tushingham~

I recently had an experience that touched my heart and I want to share it with you. 

I have a new job as General Manager of a private tennis club.  My first week at the club, I met a member known to all as “Old Bill.”  Bill is 92 years old and perfectly independent and active.  He comes to the club most every Friday, enjoys lunch and, weather permitting, a game of tennis.  “Old Bill” likes to talk, and we became fast friends.  He told me how he had lost his wife a few years back and how he misses her, particularly so, he said, because it was just the two of them.  Bill then went on to tell me that he and his wife had lost their only child when she was 8 ½ years old.  He asked if the story was boring me;  I assured him it was not, because I too, had lost my only child. 

Bill then sat down and told me the story of his little Shirley’s life and death, just as we all tell our stories at support group meetings.  He had the same need to tell it again as we all do.  But he told it with pride and joy blended with the sorrow of his loss.  “She was a beauty,” he said, “and bright as a button.”  If she had lived, she would be 70 years old today; she’s been gone 62 years.  In turn, I told him of my Sandy.

Though I cried for Bill’s loss of Shirley as I do for all of us, I was comforted by the confirmation that, while decades pass, our children are never forgotten.  I’ll now know of a little girl named Shirley, who will always be loved and never forgotten by her dad, and as I pass this story along, you too will know “Old Bill’s Little Shirley.”

Surviving the Holidays While Grieving

Alright - Thanksgiving is over and hopefully it was not as difficult as you imagined. For many though, the worst of the holiday season is yet to come and yes, like it or not, December 1^st is just a few days away.. That means Hanukkah, Christmas and New Years are fast approaching and we can’t stop them.. Know that no matter how hard this seems, you will get through the holidays and the more you prepare yourself and decide what you can and can’t do, the easier it will be.  Be patient with yourself and others, and there is nothing wrong with saying NO.. Cherie Houston

Surviving the Holidays While Grieving

~ By Roslyn Romeny Reynolds

The house lights are twinkling, Christmas trees glimmer out of every front window, and joyous music fills the air, but your heart seems immune to the joy. As much as you want to, you can't feel the happiness this season used to bring. All you feel is--alone. The holidays usually bring family gatherings, hours spent choosing and wrapping special gifts for loved ones, and a wonderful feeling of good will and happiness.

Yet, for one who has lost a loved one, the holidays can be one of the darkest times of the year. It can be painful to remember the special together times the holidays used to bring--and to realize that it will never be that way again.

It can be painful to see others still with their loved ones, to watch as they hold hands, or sit snuggled into each other, and to be reminded yet again that you are alone. Even the good memories can be painful. Each memory can awaken the dull ache in the chest and open the floodgates as tears flow yet again. The sweetness of the memories is in sharp contrast to the emptiness of now.

Others may try to help us by including us in their festivities, but we may not feel 'up' to joining in the celebrations. It's okay to say, "No thanks" if the thought of being at a holiday party turns your stomach. The time will come when you look forward to the chance to go out. Allow yourself to be where you are in your grieving process.

What can we do to lessen the pain, and to increase our ability to feel peace in this, the Season of Peace?

First, realize that it is normal to feel down during the holidays when you've lost a loved one. Don't berate yourself. If you're having a 'down' day, accept it as 'normal', but also admit that tomorrow holds the possibility of being a better day.

Second, reach out. Find someone you can talk to, someone who understands what you're going through, and visit. Share what helps you each get through hard times, and you'll both come away stronger. One woman suggested finding a joke, the cornier the better, to share each week. That way her spirits are lifted, and she brings a smile to the people she shares with, too.

Third, decide that this holiday season, you're going to give yourself a gift. It can be something tangible, that you wrap and put under the tree, or a new idea or habit you are going to implement that will improve your quality of life. Do one thing for yourself that will bring a smile to your face!

Fourth, determine to read uplifting literature this month. The words we read have a great effect upon us, so we are wise to fill our minds with the greatest words ever written. Of course, scripture fits the season perfectly, but in addition, there are hundreds of great books that attest to the potential and actual goodness of humanity. Read something heartwarming, and be lifted! (Of course, one to include each December is Dickens' A Christmas Carol. Better than any movie ever made of it, the book is sure to have you smiling as you read the last line!)

Lastly, find a way to lift someone else. The Christmas celebrations originated, after all, honoring the birth of One who gave His whole life for others. It could be a good deed done anonymously, or you could simply spend time with someone who is lonely or down. It's a generally accepted fact that a sure way to forget your own troubles is to help someone else to forget theirs, if only for a few minutes.

The holidays can be a painful reminder of all that is wrong in our lives. On the other hand, we can do our best to see them as a time to celebrate the Goodness that came into the world two thousand years ago--and to spread some of that goodness through our own life and to all those we come in contact with.

Roslyn Romney Reynolds wrote SOLO - Getting It All Together When You Find Yourself Alone after her husband drowned while on an outing with their three youngest children. She has since interviewed women from many parts of the country who've endured loss and gleaned seven essentials to help move through the grieving process and on to hope and healing after tragic loss.

Her book is available at http://www.roslynreynolds.com/.

Her blog is found at http://www.sistersinhope.com/.

Help a Friend whose Grieving their Childs Death

I want to thank Paula Evans from Shreveport, Louisiana for sending me the following article. Paula was searching the internet and found our blog which she reads often. When Paula found the following article she thought it might help others in her situation, who just don't know how or what to do to help a friend-in Paula's case it is her closest friend, who lost her 2 yr. old son in a horrible accident this past summer.. Thank you Paula...

~ Written by Robbie Miller Kaplan

The death of a child is a devastating loss and a life-changing event. It’s hard to know what to say to comfort the bereaved parents. Friends and loved ones may think the parents know best what they need so they might ask the bereaved to call if they need anything. While the sentiment is sincere, when asking, “Please call me,” it places a burden on someone grieving a loss; someone who can barely muster the energy to get out of bed in the morning.

I recently asked bereaved parents to share what helps and what hurts. Here’s what they’d like you to know:

Don’t avoid us; we already feel different and your absence isolates us even more.

Understand that you’ll have to give more than you’ll get; we just don’t have the energy or strength right now to do much more than take care of ourselves.

Remind us of what was so special about our child; “I’ll never forget Melissa’s beautiful smile.”

Share with us how our child made a difference; “Timothy’s courage was so inspiring, I will never forget how bravely he faced the treatments.”

Accept that we’ve changed; we don’t like it either but our experience makes us see the world from a different perspective.

Stay in touch; even if we seem unresponsive, keep up the connection. Call, email, or write a note. And don’t stop including us. Your friendship and support means the world even if we don’t seem responsive.

Don’t forget our child. Say their name and tell us stories; it’s music to our ears. Let us know how much you loved them, will miss seeing them grow, and how you too feel the pain of their absence.

Be with us even if we’re not much fun. Accompany us on a walk, go to the movies, attend a support group, and invite us for coffee. Your friendship and support is the best therapy.

It can be very hard to stay in touch with friends and loved ones in so much pain. It might help to understand that each of us has the power to truly help in the healing process. And the most helpful way to help is to be a continued presence.


Note: Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who herself has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss.

Parental Grief and the journey

For any parent, whether married, single, or step-parent, the death of a child is one of the devastating losses anyone can experience. The age of the child makes no difference – whether it is a child not yet born, a tiny baby, a young child, a teenager or a full grown adult with children of their own, the death of a son or daughter at any age is a parent’s most painful and debilitating loss.

So many of us struggle alone with our grief in the beginning. You might not want to bother anyone, you might not anyone near you, maybe you just don't want to be reminded of what has happened so that we can deny it. But no matter how you are feeling, it’s important to remind yourself that you don’t have to do this alone. Sharing your grief and the journey of grief with others who have had a similar experience can be helpful and give you hope.

The person you choose to share this journey with might be a spouse, a dear friend or family member who has shared this experience, maybe a member of a grief support group, such as our Mom's Bereavement Group or a chapter of The Compassionate Friends or Bereaved Parents, it might be a trusted spiritual leader or physician, but the journey can't be avoided and you might find that it's a little less trying if you share the journey.. After all we know that traveling with someone else has many advantages and this journey is no different.

Yes, grief is a journey that we all must take when we lose someone we love – it’s just that the journey of grief for those of us who have lost a beloved child is more difficult and often takes longer…

The death of anyone we love is agonizing, but when our son or daughter dies, life is changed forever. The simple fact is, our children are ‘not supposed’ to die before us. We expect them to bury us - not the other way round. The ripping pain and seemingly endless waves of despair are not just for the immediate loss of their presence, but for all that we won’t share with them for the rest of our lives. All we have invested in them - caring, providing, advising, problem solving - now seems wasted.

But there is light at the end of this dark valley - grief journey. Although it is painful, this journey can help us create a new life, one without our child physically but with their memories.. It’s a journey to a ‘new normal’ in which there is hope, meaning and joy again - a world in which our son or daughter is never forgotten, but is always a treasured part.

So find someone to help you along on your journey and you will reach your destination, that “new normal” where there is hope, peace and joy and you can and will smile again ~ Cherie Houston

Feeling overwhelmed and out of control" It's OK - it's normal..

by Cherie Houston

When we first learn our child has died and all our dreams for the future for them are gone, no matter their age or the circumstances, our bodies and minds go into a protective mode. Some call it total numbness or shock, but no matter what it is called, it's normal..

That state of shock or numbness is what allows us the time we need to get through those first days, weeks and months. You may or many not remember some or all of those first days, and that too is OK – in time you may.

As the initial shock and numbness begins to fade, you may not recognize what you feel – you may simply feel overwhelmed and confused and again, that’s OK and very normal. It is impossible to love someone as much as we love our children – from the moment we realize we will be bringing life into this world or for those children who may be well into adulthood, middle age themselves or even older – they are still our children… So it is impossible to say goodbye and not feel overwhelmed, confused and much much more - the list of emotions you will feel is very long...

It's not healthy to bottle these feelings up – they are all normal and if you do try to avoid them or suppress them, you may find yourself feeling even more out of control and experts say that trying to avoid or suppress the grief, most will significantly impact their own health in a very negative way...

For many of us, we might find ourselves lashing out at others when we don’t mean to or that we explode at the simplest deviation from the normal. Nothing is normal as we knew it before our child's death anymore... But remember, during the grieving process, our bodies and minds are almost like a steaming tea kettle or pressure cooker and the variety of feelings and emotions we experience create an immense physical amount of pressure - some refer to it as the "pressure cooker effect". All of these feelings need to be released so that we don’t continue in the frustrating cycle of exploding, being upset by our explosions, building up pressure, and exploding again and again.

Here are some ways you can put some motion to your emotions:

• Acknowledge how much your grief hurts. There is no denying it or ignoring it. Try to live through it, not avoid it. By acknowledging the pain of grief, you heal the hurting. How do you do this? Tell a trusted friend what it feels like. Write it down in a note to yourself. Share what you are experiencing with a counselor or minister or support group. Say it to yourself. Notice what hurts you. Don’t try to figure it out or make it make sense; just notice it.



• Acknowledge your expectations of yourself and others. Make sure you understand what others expect of you and be equally clear in stating your own expectations. Don’t put added pressures on yourself by demanding more than you are able to do. For instance, acknowledge that you expect to be distracted and less efficient at work. Let others know that you intend to make time to walk every other day. Be clear that you may not host the next family festivity because you just don’t want to take on all that extra work right now.



• Find appropriate outlets for the energy that anger gives you. Pound a pillow, weed a garden, yell in the shower, hit golf balls. Lock yourself in your car and scream as loudly as you want to. Hit something soft, and hit it hard. Bang on a piano. Draw a wild picture. Throw things. Have a water fight with a friend. Sounds silly, but trust me - it helps..



• Writing down your thoughts and feelings might help. Don’t get uptight about keeping a journal; only keep a journal if you enjoy that. Otherwise, simply jot down your feelings. You don’t even have to use complete sentences if you don’t want to. If you make notes every day, it will encourage you to go back in several weeks and read them and see how far you have come.


Initially, many of us can't even bear to hear our child’s name or look at their pictures or favorite things without falling apart completely - for others, those things are all we want.. But no matter how you feel initially, there will come a time when those "memories" will warm your heart, so don't get rid of them... When you are ready, consider creating a memory book, a memory box, memory quilt or other special way to keep your memories together to visit in the future.. when you are ready.. At first you might not be able to do this, but little by little as you run across things that are special to you and your child, have a place to store them, so when you are ready, you can hold them once again and smile… You might include special photographs, mementos, letters and bits and pieces of your loved one’s life that remind you of the joy you shared. Ask others to share their memories with you as well. In fact, ask someone to help you gather and organize these things; this kind of task might be overwhelming to you without someone’s help.

Remember – grief is the price we pay for loving someone – so it’s not a bad thing, it's normal… We all grieve differently – there are no right and wrong ways to grieve and there is no time limit or natural progression no matter what you might have been told. We each grieve differently and we grieve differently for different people in our lives that we love - our parents, siblings, relatives, friends and the worst grief of all is that for our children, because it defies all that we believe to be normal - we should never outlive our children. But some of us will and have.

Be gentle and patient with yourself and those around you… And remember, you will get through this, one small step at a time…

Turning Tragedy into a Positive

A Friend shared this story with us recently and I'm sure it is a story much like so many of ours - this is the story of a mom from Abilene, Texas ~ Written By Local Reporter Kyle Peveto 5.15.2008

For months after her 9-year-old son died in a bizarre car accident, Myra Dean remained in shock. She took a job in Saipan, a commonwealth of the United States in the Pacific Ocean, and had no idea what to do with her grief until she read about the Compassionate Friends group in a Guam newspaper. The newsletters she received from the organization of bereaved parents helped her understand that she was not alone and that she would be forever changed.

When the StoryCorps Airstream trailer came to Abilene this spring, Dean's boyfriend insisted they reserve a spot to record her story. Her emotional telling of the death of her son Rich struck StoryCorps producers enough that they edited the 40-minute session into a shorter feature that is tentatively scheduled to run on National Public Radio's Morning Edition at 5:30 and 7:30 a.m. Friday.

"It's very raw. She talks about how painful it is. She talks about her feelings, about God and about how she overcame this over time. A bereaved parent is always a bereaved parent. The pain never leaves you," said Gary Jamison, Dean's boyfriend, who conducted the interview in March.

"It comes across on the (recording). It speaks to you; it pulls at your heartstrings."

While living in Kansas City, Kan., 31 years ago, Dean separated from her husband and moved into a home on a quiet street with her son. He was riding his bicycle one Friday evening in May when Dean was preparing to spend a night out with friends. When she went to pick up the baby sitter two blocks away, she left Rich riding his bicycle with his friend, telling him to watch for cars.

Returning, she saw a crowd near Rich's friend's house and an ambulance. Immediately, she knew it was her son. "Some people don't believe that you can know that," she said in her StoryCorps interview. "I don't know if it's the tie between a mother and children, or me and Rich in particular, but I knew."

Rich had been playing in the yard, watching the sunset, when an out-of-control car flipped over the hedge and landed on Rich and his friend. The friend was unscathed. Rich was crushed.  Her father died later that summer, and Dean felt amazed that no one understood her pain.  "Expectations are that in a year, you'll be better. But after the first year, the shock is just wearing off," she told the Reporter-News. "After that is the real roller-coaster ride."

Years later, after founding the first Compassionate Friends chapter in Abilene, she began speaking each semester to an Abilene Christian University class on death and dying. She tried to help the students empathize with a parent who has lost a child.

"When you lose your child, that was your future. ... Even genetically, I was a part of my parents, but they were not a part of me," she said in the interview. "Richard was genetically, physically part of me. And when I talk I always try to find ways to explain to people about the pain, and I say it's as if you've had an invisible amputation." "At some point you get over the pity and say, 'This is life.'"

Jamison heard her speak last fall and encouraged her to write a book or tell the story to other bereaved parents. Then he scheduled the time with StoryCorps. Dean said her life is "like a soap opera." She also has survived kidney cancer and bears an S-shaped scar from the surgery.

Tuesday was the 31st anniversary of Rich's death. For years, she remembered him painfully, but now she acknowledges the day. Now, Dean is the development director for KACU, Abilene's NPR station at ACU. Next to her desk is a framed drawing by Rich of an ocean scene with blue whales and men swimming with tridents.

Rich's death changed her life. She said she knows she will never "get over" his death, but she has learned to live with his memory.

Grief is a Unique Journey for Each of Us

Each person travels on his or her own unique journey in experiencing loss. Each person's experience of loss will have subtle nuances that will make it unlike any other loss, but the commonality--the grief response--with the intense feelings of loss, anger, depression, loneliness, fear, frustration, desperation, these are emotions that others will have also felt, endured and survived. What we have in common is that the grief response is felt most intensely by the heart.
 There is a common "language" those who have experienced grief speak, one that can often be understood without words. Many times all that is required to let someone know you have been there, that you understand their grief is just a understanding look, a gentle touch on the arm, a reassuring hug or a heart-felt note.

It is in the sharing of the losses of many hearts that our own heart begins to heal. This site is here to remind visitors that we are not alone in our losses or our feelings of grief, that someone else will have experienced similar losses (or worse) and survived. As the grieving person recognizes that others have lived through loss and survived he or she will begin to realize that he/she can survive their own loss.

Sharing the losses, telling the grief story or expressing the feeling in writing or other creative endeavors, no matter how painful, is important in the healing process. Healing will be recognized when the grieving person is at a point of being able to share with those earlier in the process. With this knowledge the heart grows stronger, more sensitive and more understanding of the suffering of others. The quotation by Dr. Robert Schuller sums this up:

Our grief always brings a gift. It's the gift of greater sensitivity and compassion for others. We learn to rise above our own grief by reaching out and lessening the grief of others.

From the “Journey of Hearts” website - Dyer, KA. Thompson CD. Journey of Hearts: From Idea to Reality A Website for Web-education on Grief and Loss. www.journeyofhearts.org/jofh/dyer_itch.htm

Helping Yourself Heal When Your Child Dies – Part 5 of 6

~~ Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt

Embrace Your Treasure of Memories - Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of your child. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring these memories, share them with your family and friends. Keep in mind that memories can be tinged with both happiness and sadness. If your memories bring laughter, smile. If your memories bring sadness, then it's all right to cry. Memories that were made in love – no one can take them away from you.

Gather Important Keepsakes - You may want to collect some important keepsakes that help you treasure your memories. You may want to create a memory book, which is a collection of photos that represent your child's life. Some people create memory boxes to keep special memories. Then, whenever you want, you can open up your memory box and embrace these special memories. The reality that your child has died does not diminish your need to have these objects. They are a tangible, lasting part of the special relationship you had with your child.

Embrace Your Spirituality - If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you are angry at God because of the death of your child, realize this feeling as a normal part of your grief work. Find someone to talk with who won't be critical of whatever thought and feelings you need to explore.

You may hear someone say, "With faith, you don't need to grieve". Don't believe it. Having your personal faith does not insulate you from needing to talk out and explore your thoughts and feelings. To deny your grief is to invite problems that build up inside you. Express your faith, but express your grief as well.

Note: Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is a noted author, educator and practicing clinical thanatologist. He serves as a Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School in the Department of Family Medicine. – From the website: http://www.buddhanet.net/r_child.htm

Helping Kids Who've Lost Dads, Celebrate Father’s Day

When a child loses a parent, holidays like Fathers Day can be especially painful and difficult. But their loss and the holiday is not something that can or should be ignored or avoided. It can be a time of healing – here are some thoughts.

1. Talk With The Mother About the Father’s Day Plans  - Communication is always helpful and as we know, some children deal very well with the loss, at least until they hit middle school. So, if you would like to help them celebrate, talk with their mom. Ask her what her plans are and tell her what you would like to do and ask if there is anything she would suggest. Working together, it can be a great chance to help them move forward.

2. Share Their Grief - Talk about their dad - most children love hearing stories about their dad - especially when their dad was their current age. Let children know how much you miss their dad also - this helps to validate that missing someone is very OK and very normal.  Children of any age can never hear often enough about their dad’s wonderful qualities, how important they were to him and how much he loved them.. Reassure them that he will always be with them in their hearts and that they can speak to him whenever and wherever they would like.

3. Celebrate their dad's life and their life together - Children can and should be given the choice to be included in classroom or other special projects for the holiday.  Let the child decide what they are comfortable with. Many children are not comfortable visiting the cemetery or other final resting place, so consider other more pleasant options; remind them how wonderful it is to create new & different traditions..

• Planting a tree, plant or other living reminder of their dad is a wonderful way to celebrate his life
• Create a memory book or collage of wonderful times they've shared together - this can be done with or without pictures
• Encourage children to put their thoughts, ideas and memories down on paper, in a card, letter or drawing.
• Many children enjoy writing notes to their dads and sending their notes to their dads in heaven, via a helium balloon or out to sea in a bottle at the ocean..
• Encourage & allow children to express themselves and their memories in their own way – no way is the right way – and what they choose will differ greatly depending on their ages, circumstances of the death and how recent it has been…  

As with anyone who has lost someone they love – be there for them – listen – and allow them to feel free to speak about their dad..

Remind them, no matter what – he will always be their dad..

COPING WITH GRIEF-Surviving Loss-10 Suggestions (Part 3 of 3)

~published by Western Washington University/09.04.2009

7. Take Time To Feel Good. Bereaved people are not sentenced to unhappiness. We are not born happy or unhappy. We learn to be happy by the way we adjust to life-crises and use the opportunities life gives us. We need to be patient and give ourselves time to learn and time to make mistakes. We especially need to affirm ourselves and pat ourselves on the back for every small thing we learn to do, for this is when we '”expand" ourselves. The death of a loved one affects our life-style and changes our self-image. Grief can rapidly shape us and help us discover a new independence and outlook on things.

8. Take Time To Make New Friends. Loneliness will be present in grief, and it might be nature's way of mending our broken hearts. Loneliness can also be transformed into solitude. That happens when we are not oppressed by our loneliness, but learn to live creatively with it by cultivating our inner resources and self-understanding. In the grief process, healing occurs when we take the step to move out of our safe boundaries and interact with others. Old friends might be there to offer security and comfort; new friends will be there to offer opportunities. We might meet these new people through a support group, a card club, or at a class. We need friends on the road to recovery.

9. Take Time To Laugh. In life there are as many reasons to laugh as there are to cry. In grief there is a time when our tears come with less frequency and intensity, and we learn to remember without crying. Laughter, on the other hand, helps us survive, and it helps us reenter life. Laughter helps us accept our limitations and develops hope in the present. Laughter defines our movement from helplessness to hopefulness.

10. Take Time To Give. A way to overcome our loneliness and pain is to be concerned about the loneliness and pain of others. People turn away from grief when they feel wanted and needed by the living. Being able to help someone gives us meaning. So if we find someone else who needs us it can be an opportunity for our own healing. Getting involved with others gives us the feeling that life goes on and takes us away from self-pity. Listening to someone, empathizing and sharing over the telephone, providing information or going out to lunch together are ways to give of yourself.

There is a tremendous wisdom that is accumulated in one’s encounter with grief, and it needs to be shared. Healing takes place when we turn our pain into a positive experience, and we realize that helping others is the key to helping ourselves. The road to recovery from grief, therefore, is to take time to do things which will enable us to give a renewed meaning to our lives. In grief, no one can take away our pain because no one can take away our love. The call of life is to learn to love…again

COPING WITH GRIEF-Surviving Loss-10 Suggestions (Part 2 of 3)

~published by Western Washington University/09.04.2009

3. Take Time To Make Decisions. People who have been very dependent on the deceased find themselves lost in the world. They are afraid to give themselves direction, to make mistakes, to ask, to try. Yet making mistakes is the way in which we learn and develop trust in ourselves. We need to be patient with ourselves as we gradually learn to make decisions.


4. Take Time To Share. The greatest need of the bereaved is to have someone to share their pain, their memories and their sadness. In life, we can only accept that which we can share. Bereaved people need others to give them time and space to grieve. When you are grieving, you might need someone who looks backward, because the past, not the future, remains the source of comfort in the early stages of grief. Sharing our memories and feelings with people who are grieving themselves is especially helpful and therapeutic.

5. Take Time To Believe. To survive is to find meaning in suffering. Suffering that has meaning to it is endurable. However, meaning doesn't just happen. At times, our grief can shake up our faith. For many people, religion-- with its rituals, the promise of an afterlife and its community support--offers a comforting and strengthening base in the lonely encounter with helplessness and hopelessness. Our faith does not take away our grief but helps us live with it.

6. Take Time To Forgive. The feeling of guilt and the need for forgiveness accompany many of our experiences, especially those that have remained unfinished. We might feel guilty about what we did or didn't do, about the clues we missed, about the things we said or failed to say. As we review our lives and our relationship with the deceased, there will always be things which are less than ideal. We need to accept our imperfections and make peace with ourselves.

We cannot judge our yesterdays with the knowledge of today. So torturing ourselves for the things we did and wished we hadn't done, or dwelling on the things we didn't do, doesn't change anything. It only makes us miserable. We certainly need to own and express our anger, but there is also a need for forgiveness.

WHAT IS LEFT?

~written by Betty Stevens, Baltimore, MD~

When a child dies, you ask – among other questions – What is left?

A beautiful sensitive, intelligent son has chosen to end his life. What can be left after such a crushing blow? Others will point out that you have a spouse, other children or grandchildren, perhaps relatives and friends. They are all left. Perhaps you have a career that is left. And yet, how meaningless all of those are to a bereaved parent, to one who is suffering the most devastating loss of all. So you continue to search for what it is that is left.

You read books on bereavement, scarcely remembering what you have read. You attend meetings, talk with others who have suffered a loss like yours. If you are fortunate, you have one or two good friends who, while they cannot fully understand, are there to love and listen.

Perhaps there is a therapist who guides you in your search for an answer. But, for a long while, everything you read or hear has little meaning, and certainly cannot provide the answer to your question.

Or can it? Does all that you have read and heard and experienced finally come together and answer the question of what is left? For me, it does. The answer was 13 months in coming, but how clear it seems now.

I am left. That’s it! I am left, and I have been left with the love of Scott. It is a new love, it is different – more intense, it is undemanding, it need not be reciprocated, there are no strings attached. I love this love of Scott’s. It warms me and comforts me. It is a wonderful love, but I cannot keep it. It would be wrong to do so; this love is too precious to keep to myself.
I am left with love to spare and love to share. It will never run out. He will always be with me to replenish it. I have found the answer!

I am left to share Scott’s love with you.