Hug an Angel Mom Today

Today is Pregnancy, Infant, and Child loss awareness day-it makes no difference the age of the child or how they died. Take a moment to think about all the angels that have left us too soon. Hug an angel parent you know and remember, though today is a day of awareness, hope, and light, it is still very hard for a lot of parents. 1 in 4 parents know this feeling all to well. You are welcome to join the Wave of light tonight, by lighting a candle from 7pm-8pm.

Facing Fathers Day with a Pit in your Stomach (repeated)

We posted this last June and the response was incredible so we are posting it again this year for all our dads & grandfathers..Fathers Day is just a week away and we want you to know that we are thinking of you an that we understand your quiet and often "unshared" grief....You are all in our thought and prayers this month and always...

~ By Tim Nelson, Author of A guide for Fathers When A Baby Dies - Tim and his wife, Monica, suffered the full-term stillbirth of their second child, Kathleen. While that was a number of years ago, Tim has stayed connected to the issue through his writing and speaking on the topic of father's grief following the death of an infant. Tim, like many men, had trouble talking about his feelings after his daughter's death. Tim hopes that his blog might be a place for dads to share their thoughts about what they are experiencing and find support from other dads - Visit Tim's Blog: www.fathersgrievinginfantloss.blogspot.com

"I think one of the most difficult things for me is talking to couples who have lost a child in the last year and hear them speak of the dread they feel as Mother's Day and Father's Day approach. I have written about this before and encouraged moms and dads to try and find a way to get through the day as best they can while allowing themselves to celebrate the fact that they are parents of a child they loved very much. I have to admit those words can sound pretty hollow, and I can't help but think to myself, "who am I kidding? -- it sucks and there is no way of avoiding it."

It also may not really help to know that for most of us, it does get easier as time goes by and we heal to the point of being able to feel more of the joy than the pain of our child's short life. It's good to have hope, but you still have to make it through those first holidays where it seems like everyone else is celebrating while you want to crawl under a rock and hope it can just go away.

I hope those of you who read this blog that have a little more time under your belt since your loss, can share things that you found helpful as you faced these difficult times. Some of you may have shared before, but know that there are always new people coming on board who could benefit from your experience and your hard earned wisdom.

There are just a couple of things I want to say again (hollow or not) because I honestly believe they are important to remember:

1) Yes..... you are a parent. For those whose loss was your first child, sometimes it's easy to fall into the trap of not thinking you have the "right" to celebrate these special days. Adding to the misconception is the fact that family and friends wrongly believe that they should not say anything or acknowledge the day for fear it might remind you that your baby died... (if only it were that easy to make the pain go away.)

2) Be creative. If you don't feel you can celebrate the day with the traditional brunch or family gathering, try and think of ways that you can make this day special for you and your baby. If that means going to the cemetery or visiting a place you recall being happy during your pregnancy, allow yourselves the opportunity to do that. Write a note to your child, release a balloon, visit a hospital or nursing home, go for a walk, cry, laugh, plant a bush (or flower or tree), smile..... most importantly, be around people who will let you do what you need to do... no matter who or how many that is.

3) Be hopeful. Ask yourselves what your baby would want this day to be like for you?

I could rattle on for a long time trying to be profound, but I'll spare you that. I would much rather have others of you who probably did a lot better job than myself in dealing with the sadness write your thoughts. It's when you share things that can help others (even if it's letting them know they are not the only ones hurting) that you give your child a voice and let them touch the world and make it better.

Good luck. You are not alone"

Forgive me, My Daughter......

FORGIVE ME, MY DAUGHTER

(Especially for Grandparents)

 ~ SIDS Survival Guide

I want you to be the little girl, who tore her many-layered petticoats on the parallel bars or in school and once even  chipped a tooth.

I want you, too, to be the child with bloody knees who had matching holes in her new leotards.

Or maybe the one who fell from a swing and needed a half dozen stitches beneath her eye.

Oh, I could hold you then there was magic in my kisses that stemmed the pain and a doctor nearby for more tangible aid.

But what do I do now, now that you are a woman and your sorrows are commensurate with your age?

I stand immobile as your wan face leans over the broken turf where your infant son, your only child, will soon be interred.

I clench my fists, knowing there is no solace any longer in my arms for agony of this magnitude.

You are deaf, too, to my murmurings; you hear only the echoes of his laughter and his cries.

Of course, I am here when you need me.  But I can only pretend I am a strong and wise grandmother, when in truth, forgive me, my daughter, I remain a mother, heart-broken twice.

Angel Babies...

Angel Babies...

~ author unknown

The world may never notice 

If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom, 

Or even pause to wonder 

If the petals fall too soon. 

But every life that ever forms, 

Or ever comes to be, 

Touches the world in some small way 

For all eternity. 

The little one we long for 

Was swiftly here and gone. 

But the love that was then planted 

Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty, 

Our hearts know what to do. 

Every beating of our hearts 

Says that we do love you.

When a Child Dies - The parent-child bond lives on

~ by Cherie Houston

I think most parents will agree that the parent-child bond is one of the most meaningful and strongest relationships that we have or will ever experience.  For those of us who have had the painful experience of losing a child, most of us will tell you that despite their death, that strong incredible parent-child bond lives on forever…

Personally I know that with the deaths of each of my three children, I truly felt as though a part of me also died with each of them; but conversely I can tell you that the bond I felt to each of them continues on today and I know that it always will.  For my 2 little girls it’s been quite some time since they died: RandeeMarie died in 1971; Robin Marie 16 months later later in 1972 and sadly, my third child, our 36 year old son Bobby, took his own life quite recently September 19^th, 2009 leaving 2 beautiful little boys and a wonderful wife..  Time does soften the pain, but I can’t imagine any other pain that comes close to that which we experience after the deaths of our children, there simply is none.  And I can tell you I’ve experienced some large “what others might consider life shattering losses” 2 divorces, our home in a fire, deaths of close friends and family members, including my grandmother whom I could never imagine my life without… Yet as horrible as those events seemed at the time, none can begin to compare with the deaths of my children…

It’s simple – as parents, we are simply not meant to outlive our children and when we do, the pain we feel is unimaginable…

And I can tell you from experience that the length of a child’s life doesn’t impact the size of the loss..

·         From the moment we conceive and introduce those around us to this new life that we are expecting as we announce our pregnancy, or if we are blessed to spend many years enjoying relationships with our children into their adulthood – it makes no difference – the death of a child is horrible and often the most unbearable experience of our life… 

·         When the children are young - babies, toddlers or very young, our children’s deaths can change every aspect of our day-to-day life and the emptiness we feel seems insurmountable because so much of what we do each and every day revolves around them and their every need...  

·         When are children are older, teens and young adults - maybe they were getting ready to go into junior high, high school or off to college or their first job – their deaths seems so terribly unfair – we’ve worked so hard to raise them and to have them die just as they are ready to embark on the best and most exciting years of their lives – Why? How can it be that they are now gone and will never be able to reach the potential we imagined for them or that they've worked to hard for...

·         For those of us who have lost adult children – as parents we often experience not only the unbearable loss of our own child but for many of us we have to stand by and watch the heartache and pain that our children’s children and spouse have to deal with; for many of us we often lose not only our child but someone who has become a close and trusted friend with whom we’ve shared an irreplaceable emotional support… 

·         Yes, every child is unique, and for those blessed to have other children – whether it’s one or a dozen, the child we have lost cannot be replaced, and having other children in no way diminishes the painful loss of our child

·         But, for those parents who lose their only child – the loss is different again – some feel they’ve lost their identity - they don't feel as though they are parents anymore, for some they've lost the hope of becoming a grandparent - for many they feel as though their entire future is in jeopardy…

Yes when our children die, a part of our future dies with them, but I believe with all that I am that the parent-child bond lives on forever…

As the pain begins to soften, and it will – hopefully we will each find a way to bring our children along with us into the future..  For some it might be as simple as speaking their name from time to time at family and social gatherings – those who love and care about you will understand (and if not, it’s their problem not yours); for others it will be doing things in their children’s memory – maybe helping others who are ill or grieving; or helping at a school or after-school program; there are no right or wrong ways – but it’s up to us to continue to live the fullest life we can while we are here – that is how we honor their memory… 

As the pain softens, you will find yourself smiling thru the tears as you celebrate their time with you, no matter how long that may have been – because no matter how long, we all agree that it is never long enough…

 

Coping with Pregnancy Loss,Stillbirth or Neonatal Infant Loss

~ by Cherie Houston

The death of a child takes the wind out of our sails – and despite what some might think, that same sense of horrible loss can be just as challenging for moms and dads who suffer the loss of a child through a miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal death.  So often, the loss of such a very young child is often misunderstood – others around who have been blessed to have never experienced a loss like this, simply don’t or can’t understand that the parent’s sadness and grief is every bit as strong as any loss of someone we love…  


I've heard moms say, “in many ways, the grief is hard to bear because I never got to see my child"; I can't help wondering what he/she looked like and what kind of personality they had; I just wish I'd known whether it was a boy or girl; I have nothing to remember them by-no pictures, no memories" the memories I have are so painful; all of these things are difficult and they all hurt deeply..  

For those of us who have traveled this journey, we totally understand that for any mom or dad going through this devastating experience – that the child they have just lost was part of them, part of their lives - loved since the moment their parents knew that they were on their way…  the hopes, dreams, and “future” for that child begin not only at conception, but often before when parents first hoped to be blessed with a child – yes from that magical moment on – we loved our child…  so yes, grieving their death is real and very much OK and very normal.

As with any death though, how each of us copes with the loss will be very different – For some, they may grieve deeply for longer periods of time, while others who seem to have the same experience can somehow “regroup” more quickly, absorb their loss and get on with life, looking forward to what the future may bring…  Be patient with yourself, there is no right or wrong way to grieve – we each need to do it our own way…

And remember, it’s not just the mom and dad who experience this loss – many times siblings were told and are anxiously awaiting this new arrival; grandparents, aunts, uncles and close friends have been included in this new child’s anticipated arrival..  So remember that they too will grieve in their own way and that is also okay..  Furthermore, for grandparents, extended family and friends, it is such a helpless feeling to stand-by and watch someone we love and care about, hurting, not knowing what to do or say or how they can help ease the pain of grieving – but we all know, that no one can take away someone else’s grief…

For many years, a pregnancy loss, or stillbirth or death of an infant early on, were subjects not discussed once they happened.  Just the opposite, it was often treated as thought it never happened…  I know that from experience and to this day it’s a fact that is very obvious in most most support groups for parents, when someone older will recall a child loss form 20-30-40-50 years ago and weep uncontrollably..  The pain of losing a child, any child - of any age – hurts and it hurts deeply, and if we don’t grieve for them when it happens, eventually (if we are lucky) we will…and that is perfectly okay!!

Simply be there for them – listen – a hug can heal more than you know…  Try not to use cliché’s that will break their hearts even more – such as, it’s okay you are young and can try again, you are lucky you have other children, it was meant to be, you’ll feel better next week or month – you’ll forget about this…  All well intentioned but hurt beyond belief and are often remembered for many years to come…

If you want to help, be specific – don’t just tell them to call you if they need anything… Tell them you are going to cook dinner or clean the house or run specific errands – remember, at that moment they are hurting and might not be interested in mundane tasks, no matter how important they might seems to those around them…

Try to remember those special days – especially the due date and the memorial anniversary for their loss – those dates are often very hard and when many moms feel the lonliest, especially when no one else remembers…

Encourage them to get plenty of rest, eat and take care of themselves – walking together can often times help, especially if they feel comfortable talking about what has happened and they can talk about their “baby” and all that they fear they’ve lost…  If their pain doesn’t seem to soften with time and you are worried about them, be sure they know that you are – talk to their spouse and remember that moms often go thru post-partum depression, so encourage them to speak to their doctor or other professional..  

Facing Father's Day with a pit in your stomach

~ By Tim Nelson, Author of A guide for Fathers When A Baby Dies - Tim and his wife, Monica, suffered the full-term stillbirth of their second child, Kathleen. While that was a number of years ago, Tim has stayed connected to the issue through his writing and speaking on the topic of father's grief following the death of an infant. Tim, like many men, had trouble talking about his feelings after his daughter's death. Tim hopes that his blog might be a place for dads to share their thoughts about what they are experiencing and find support from other dads - Visit Tim's Blog: www.fathersgrievinginfantloss.blogspot.com

"I think one of the most difficult things for me is talking to couples who have lost a child in the last year and hear them speak of the dread they feel as Mother's Day and Father's Day approach. I have written about this before and encouraged moms and dads to try and find a way to get through the day as best they can while allowing themselves to celebrate the fact that they are parents of a child they loved very much. I have to admit those words can sound pretty hollow, and I can't help but think to myself, "who am I kidding? -- it sucks and there is no way of avoiding it."

It also may not really help to know that for most of us, it does get easier as time goes by and we heal to the point of being able to feel more of the joy than the pain of our child's short life. It's good to have hope, but you still have to make it through those first holidays where it seems like everyone else is celebrating while you want to crawl under a rock and hope it can just go away.

I hope those of you who read this blog that have a little more time under your belt since your loss, can share things that you found helpful as you faced these difficult times. Some of you may have shared before, but know that there are always new people coming on board who could benefit from your experience and your hard earned wisdom.

There are just a couple of things I want to say again (hollow or not) because I honestly believe they are important to remember:

1) Yes..... you are a parent. For those whose loss was your first child, sometimes it's easy to fall into the trap of not thinking you have the "right" to celebrate these special days. Adding to the misconception is the fact that family and friends wrongly believe that they should not say anything or acknowledge the day for fear it might remind you that your baby died... (if only it were that easy to make the pain go away.)

2) Be creative. If you don't feel you can celebrate the day with the traditional brunch or family gathering, try and think of ways that you can make this day special for you and your baby. If that means going to the cemetary or visiting a place you recall being happy during your pregnancy, allow yourselves the opportunity to do that. Write a note to your child, release a balloon, visit a hospital or nursing home, go for a walk, cry, laugh, plant a bush (or flower or tree), smile..... most importantly, be around people who will let you do what you need to do... no matter who or how many that is.

3) Be hopeful. Ask yourselves what your baby would want this day to be like for you?

I could rattle on for a long time trying to be profound, but I'll spare you that. I would much rather have others of you who probably did a lot better job than myself in dealing with the sadness write your thoughts. It's when you share things that can help others (even if it's letting them know they are not the only ones hurting) that you give your child a voice and let them touch the world and make it better.

Good luck. You are not alone"

Death of a Child: ‘Unfinished Motherhood’

Thanks to Paula Sutton from Schenectady, New York for sending this to us to share on our blog – Paula is Grandma to her baby angel “Suzanne” who, at 4 months, went home to heaven last April 2011..  And she continually reminds her daughter, Daria, that yes – she is still and always will be a mom…

Death of a Child: ‘Unfinished Motherhood’

~ By Clara Hinton

When a child dies, a mother goes through a difficult time of emotional turmoil and questioning. “Am I still a mother?” “Does my child still have a birthday each year, or does time stand still?” “Can the mother/child relationship continue to grow, or am I now an ‘unfinished mother’?”

Losing a child often places a mother on a road that begins a lonelier journey than ever expected-one that can never really be explained. There was a beginning, but with the death of the child, there is no middle and no end. Everything seems so unfinished. Hopes and dreams were stopped far too soon. Joy was snatched away so suddenly. A mother is left with empty arms and an empty heart. Nothing can ever be complete when a child’s life ends.

When the death of a child occurs, a mother may suddenly feel inadequate and incomplete. She wears a new name. She may feel an “unfinished mother,” never being able to see the rest of the picture. She will never be able to watch her child mature into a young adult. She will never be able to see all the pieces fit together. The picture will always have part of the scenery missing. It is so painful to be an unfinished mother! Child loss makes everything seem so empty and incomplete.

There will come a critical point in this journey of grief when a mother must reach deep into her inner resources and make a conscious decision to accept herself just as she is-a mother whose heart has been touched by the pain and grief of child-loss. Only then can she start to put together some of the broken pieces and begin to feel like there will be a day when she will feel more like a complete mother than an unfinished mother.

A mother is never “unfinished.” No matter how brief her time was with her child, the bond of love between mother and child was complete. A mother’s love for her child is unending. Dreams may shatter and circumstances may change, but a mother’s love remains strong. As a mother travels the path to healing, it is important for her to remind herself often that she is a mother forever. Her motherhood did not stop when her child died.

This understanding of motherhood releases the feelings of guilt and failure and allows a mother to begin to see herself as a whole person again-a complete mother.

A mother is never an “unfinished mother.” A mother’s love runs far too deep for that! 

An Angel Never Dies

AN ANGEL NEVER DIES

Don’t let them say I wasn’t born
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I’ve loved you from the start

Although my body you can’t hold.
It doesn’t mean I am gone,
This world was worthy, not, of me,
God chose that I move on

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face,
You have my word, I’ll fill you arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You’ll hear that it was “meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes”,
But that wont soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache,

I’m watching over all you ,
Another child you’ll bear,
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there

There’ll come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips,
And then you’ll understand

Although I’ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes,
That doesn’t mean I never “was”
An angel never dies….

~Unknown Author~

Does anyone undesrstand what we are going through?

~ by Cherie Houston

July 31st, 1972 - 39 years ago today, my beautiful daughter Robin died.. She was a beautiful healthy and happy little 7 month old - sharing the nursery with her 16 month old brother Ric - their very patriotic red, white & blue nursery with matching cribs, hers had a beautiful canopy top... We awoke early that Monday morning, to the shock that Robin Marie, our beautiful little girl, had died during the night, a victim of SIDS - yes 39 years ago today, our world seemed to go into a tailspin, that was the day we lost our 2nd child.. God this can't be happening again, but it did.. Our first daughter, Randee Marie, had died the year before on March 17, 1971 - a little more than 9 hours after she'd been born 12 weeks prematurely, but despite the heartache of losing Randee, we were blessed ~ her twin brother, Ric - who was also only 3 lbs - had survived and now again Ric was our "only child".

I've kept a diary since high school and from time to time I go back and read entries from years gone by - funny, sad, philosophical, complaining, angry, proud, amazing, hopeful - such a wide variety of emotions and it helps to see where I've been... I recently went back and read my diary a year after Robin died - not sure I've ever gone back and read the few weeks after her death-that's too painful, but a year later was OK. I was already expecting again - and would be blessed with a little baby boy - yes Ric had a new baby brother - Bobby was born Aug 27th, 13 months after Robin's death and 7 years later we were blessed again with another beautiful baby boy - Sean... Blessings and tragedy seem to be intertwined - on September 19, 2009 our 3rd child would die, when our 36 year old sone Bobby took his own life on September 19th, 2009..... I want to share with you what I wrote one year aftr Robins death, because it reminds me that maybe those around us who can't understand our pain, just truly can't...

Tuesday, July 31st, 1973
I don't remember when or where I heard the expression "the only two things in life that are certain are death and taxes" But I know it's a common statement, so why is it that no one seems comfortable with understanding what death does to those who are left living? Why can't anyone around me understand how painful it is when someone we know or loves is grieving and heartbroken over the loss of their child, parent, spouse or close friend. Why doesn’t everyone around us understand what we are going through? After all everyone is going to experience loss at some time in their life. Or is it that grief is so terribly painful that no one wants to talk about it and those of us who do, we just makes others uncomfortable.

How did this happen – one year ago today my beautiful little girl Robin died, gone – only 7 months old and in just a moment, this healthy happy little girl who had just pulled herself up and took a step was gone… How can this be and why is that no one seems to understand what I’m going through. I watch other young moms and dads who have lost their babies to SIDS and why is that no one around any of us seems to understand the impact that this loss has had on us. Instead, it seems as though others around us, want to yell at us and say “straighten up and get on with your lives – you are young, you’ll get over it – you’ll have another”… Yes, maybe that’s true – after all I am excited about being pregnant again and I’m nervously looking forward to the arrival of this new little girl or boy in a few months, but why can’t anyone understand that I also want Robin back and that this new baby, although he or she will be loved, will not and can never replace Robin – I just want my baby girl back…

It's not fair-what did we ever do wrong to be thrown into this nightmare – like a spooky fraternity with the deaths of our babies in common - yet we have no idea what to do, how to act, what is normal and we are all wondering the same thing – are we all going crazy?? Dr. Sturner has been so wonderful - who could have guessed the medical examiner to do Robin's autopsy would become such a close friend, but he's helped me so much this last year including establishing this SIDS chapter, but he’s a grandfather and although he’s lost a grandbaby to SIDS, he’s blessed that he has all his children – he can’t fully understand how overwhelming this loss is… I’m amazed at the number of “outsiders” who have whispered to us that they themselves, their moms, aunts, grandmas, etc have had a baby who died of ‘crib death also” but they never talk about it – how can that be, I just want to shout it from the roof tops – my baby is gone, my heart is broken, can’t anyone help me… how and why can you keep death a secret??

Each parent I meet, the feelings we share are the same, feelings of devastating pain, all we want are things the way they were ~ we want our life as it once was and our babies back ~ God why cna't anyone understand that this pain is crippling ~ our hearts feel as though they are totally shattered and we aren’t sure if we will ever get through this, how can we cope, will we ever feel better – doesn’t anyone understand how much we are hurting… Is this what we are going to feel forever – it’s been a year, but it feels like this morning – the nightmare repeats itself over and over again in my mind – whether I’m awake or asleep – like a movie that never stops…

But then again I can't be going crazy – because each and every parent I meet who has suffered this same horrific event is feeling the same things, so this must be normal, this must just be what grief is.. But if that's the case, why then, can’t anyone around me understand what I’m going through, because after all – some of them must have been where we are, they must understand what we are going through – because after all everyone is going to suffer the loss of someone they love – after all taxes & death are the only 2 sure things in life that are certain..

So why can’t they understand my grief or is it that they do understand. Yes maybe they do understand more than I think they do, but maybe - just maybe - for them it’s just too painful to go back, so they scurry away from us - almost as though we are contagious and they might catch our grief - and maybe they have to turn their backs on us because they are just grateful that it’s not them…

Empty Arms on Mothers Day

~ Author Unknown

Lord, a young woman weeps on Mother's Day

In darkness she sits numb and afraid

She longs for joy from that empty room ..

but now it speaks only of death and the tomb

The distinct scents of her children still persist

A constant reminder of a future missed

The passionate quest that once filled her breast

is buried with her children .. in the tomb it rests.

Memories keep racing through her mind

Such awful agony ... like no other kind

The pain so raw she can hardly bare

Oh dear God ... it just doesn't seem fair

Her babies' so completed her life

but now her heart is filled with strife

Lord today she needs a miraculous touch

from the hand of the Father who cares so much

Her hope rests in Heaven

where her soul will find joy

As she finally embraces

her baby girl and her baby boy

Infant death ~ Continued ~ Part 2 of 2

~ By Mayo Clinic staff, Shawna Ehlers, Ph.D.

This is continued from our Blog Posting on April 2, 2011: Again, Shawna Ehlers, Ph.D., a psychologist at Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn., and an assistant professor of psychology at the College of Medicine, Mayo Clinic, continues to answer challenging questions about coping with infant death.

When my baby died, so did my hopes and dreams for the future. How can I go on?

Grief can cloud much of the remaining good in life, especially in the period right after an infant death. You may find it difficult to invest renewed hope and excitement in any part of your life — but learning to continue living is part of the grieving process. For help making the adjustment, seek support from other parents who've been able to find solace in living. When you're ready, participating in family activities and special occasions can remind you that you're loved and supported.

My partner and I don't seem to be grieving in the same way. How can we find strength in each other? Grieving can take a heavy toll on marriages and other intimate relationships. Accepting your partner's response to grief can be one of the most challenging aspects of grieving as a couple. It can be tough to accept your partner's coping mechanisms if they don't fit your concept of grieving. For example, perhaps you feel closer to your baby by talking about him or her every day — but your partner copes by looking toward the future. If you don't recognize these differences, you may wonder whether your partner supports you or even cares about your baby's death. But the differences don't need to pull you apart. To strengthen your relationship, work toward compromises. You might agree to limited discussion times, encouraging the more talkative partner to supplement the need for conversation with understanding friends or support groups. To respect the other partner's need to look ahead, schedule a social event once a week during which you agree to focus on the pleasurable aspects of your life together.

How does the grief of infant death ever reach resolution? As time goes on, your grief will begin to fade. Eventually you'll find it easier to engage in other aspects of life. The first anniversary of the baby's death and other poignant reminders will be difficult, but they'll get easier with time. Sadness surrounding your baby's death may never go away, but with time it may more closely resemble remembrance than heart-wrenching grief.

Infant death: Grief and the path to remembrance – Part 1 of 2

Grief can cloud much of the remaining good in life, especially in the period right after an infant death. Here are some suggestions that might help as you move forward on this journey after the death of your infant.

~ By Mayo Clinic staff, Shawna Ehlers, Ph.D.

Infant death is one of the most devastating experiences any parent could face. Nothing can take away the pain or fill the baby's place in your heart — but it may help to acknowledge your grief and share feelings with others who've had similar losses.

Here, Shawna Ehlers, Ph.D., a psychologist at Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn., and an assistant professor of psychology at the College of Medicine, Mayo Clinic, answers challenging questions about coping with infant death.

No one wants to talk about my baby's death. How can I feel secure acknowledging my loss? It's important to find social support for your grief. Acknowledging your baby's death — as well as your lost hopes and dreams for the baby's future — is an important part of the grieving process. It's often comforting and therapeutic to connect with other parents who've experienced infant death. This can be done through face-to-face support groups or Web sites devoted to grieving the loss of a baby. Consider professional counseling at any point, especially if you don't feel supported in your grief or you don't notice any improvement within the first six to 12 months.

How can I help my friends and loved ones understand what I'm feeling? Grieving is physically and emotionally exhausting. But friends and loved ones may not understand the intensity of your grief or your need for unconditional support. Focus on spending time with friends or loved ones who offer the type of understanding and encouragement you need. To help others understand what you're experiencing, you may want to share material on infant death from your doctor, support group or helpful Web sites. Avoid being drawn into arguments, however. If you're facing someone who doesn't support your grief, explain that the situation is just too difficult to discuss with him or her. If you ended a much-wanted pregnancy, carried a pregnancy to term knowing the baby wouldn't survive or discontinued life support for your critically ill baby, you may carry an even heavier emotional burden. If others pass judgment on your decision, you may feel isolated and even more desolate. Support from an understanding grief group or professional counselor can be invaluable.

I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. Is this normal? An infant death is traumatic. You may be plagued with anger or guilt — or perhaps you're tormented by questions that simply can't be answered. All of these emotions are normal. How you handle your emotions is up to you. Remember, everyone copes with grief in different ways. Some parents find solace is creating a memorial for the baby. You may hold a funeral or memorial service, assemble treasured photos, or store a baby blanket or favorite toy. As you come to terms with your feelings, maintain your physical health. Eat healthy foods, include physical activity in your daily routine, and spend time with supportive friends and loved ones.

Part 2 will be continued in our next blog on April 5th, 2011....

Remembering Baby

~ Robin Elise Weiss, LCCE

Having your baby die at any point in gestation or after is something horrible to even comprehend. And yet millions of families are living with these memories. While after awhile they are not constant, they are there. Our minds often turn to loved ones lost at family centered times of year or during special remembrances. Family celebrations may conjure up pictures in your mind of "what if" holidays or as due dates and birth or death dates come and go.

"What if our baby had lived. She would be two this year and opening gifts and playing with boxes."

"I can't imagine being the mother to a 13 year old now..."

"Wonder what it would have been like to be the parent of a little boy."

Here are some ideas to help you remember your lost babies at this or any time of year - Ways to Remember:

Name your baby ~ Consider giving your baby a name. If it feels right or good, do it. Don't let anyone else tell you how to grieve. It doesn't matter how far along your pregnancy was or whether or not you knew the sex of your baby. This is something you can do, even years later.

Save something from the experience ~ One of the nicest things I've saved was the card and the ultrasound photos that I had mailed to my husband who was off defending his dissertation. It had actually been lost in the mail, and returned to sender. We received it about 2 weeks after we had had a D & C. On the cover of the card was a fat, giggling baby, rolling in flowers. It's a rather popular picture, and every time I see it now I think of that baby.

Create a Ritual - This was particularly helpful to me during a subsequent pregnancy. It went right along with our family Sabbath and was a special prayer form our family to say thank you for the time we had with the baby that was growing and that we were anxiously awaiting the birth. It involved a small candle and prayer. The candle stayed unlit until the very first Sabbath after the birth of that baby.

Hold a service ~ Have a memorial service for your baby. Again, no matter how long you had your baby, it's still a part of you and recognizing this publicly can be very healing. It can also allow your friends and family a chance to learn to express themselves and help you.

Send announcements ~ I've received some of the most beautiful announcements. The first one I received, I was shocked and amazed. The mother explained that she was relieved not to have to tell everyone in person, and yet it was a public way to announce the birth/death of their daughter and ask for community support.

Buy something special ~ For my last pregnancy loss, we knew nothing of the baby, and the pregnancy ended so early and violently, we had no mementos or even ultrasound pictures. I was out shopping and ran across a small rock. It was smooth, but not polished. It felt good and heavy in my hands. It had a simple message inscribed: Remember. Now it sits on my desk.

Make a donation ~ You can donate anything, time, gifts, or money. One of the sweetest things I've heard of is parents returning to the hospital where their child was born and giving a special blanket to the staff to be given to a baby born either around the anniversary time for that baby or for another grieving family.

Robin Elise Weiss, a mom herself and also a mom who has lost children, has attended hundreds of births and taught couples about pregnancy and birth. She is the author of The About.com Guide to Having a Baby, About.com Guide to Baby Care, Guarantee the Sex of Your Baby, The Everything New Mother's First Year, The Everything Pregnancy Fitness Book, The Everything Getting Pregnant Book, Everything Parenting Guide to Raising Adolescent Boys, The Complete Illustrated Pregnancy Companion, the The Better Way to Care for Your Baby

My Angel Baby

The followng introduction and poem were sent to me by one of my students, hoping it might help a young mom who is grieving.  Her own daughter, recently miscarried and lost her first child, my student found this poem for her daughter and thought it might be helpful for another young mom experiencing the tragedy of losing her precious baby..It is from the website:

www.familyfriendpoems.com

Death of a loved one is always a cause for mourning. However, when a baby dies, there is a sadness that goes beyond normal grief. We are programmed to expect that the old outlive the young. When a person who has lived a full life passes away, there is a sense that everything is as it should be. When a baby passes, who has not even has the chance to experience life, his death seems meaningless. If he was meant to die so soon why did he even come into the world?

My Angel Baby

© Heather

I never got to see your eyes,

or hold your hand, or hear your cries.

All I have are dreams of you,

those of which, will never come true.

My heart sank the day that I knew,

I would never get to meet you.

I had made plans, and had aspirations,

if only I had a little more patience.

I never thought the Lord would take you

away from me so soon.

But, I'll never forget that dismal day,

around two in the afternoon.

The day I knew something was not right,

and through many tears I would have to fight.

Now, all I do is dream every night,

about what life would have been like.

What if you really had been born?

But all we have a dreams of that,

and all we can do is mourn.

We will not mourn for you though,

because we know you're where you need to be,

even though it isn't here with me.

You are my angel baby because God wanted you with Him.

Now, forever with his angels, His praises you will sing.

None of my dreams for you will ever come true,

because of that day God chose to take you.

But, my angel baby you will always be,

in my heart forever, forever a part of me

HOLIDAY BLUES

~ Maria Delgadillo, California SIDS Program- San Diego Guild for Infant Survival from When the Bough Breaks

Surviving the holiday season can be an exhausting experience at just about any year within one’s lifetime. This is especially true, we believe, after one has suffered the loss of a dear, innocent child. We all know that it’s not only the death of our baby that we face, but also the death of our hopes and dreams and the birth of intense pain and longing.

Tis the season to be jolly” the music in the malls reminds us. If we have trouble sleeping we’re to “count our blessings instead of sheep.” Impossible it seems especially in the first year. There is so much anger and sadness—everywhere—and constant reminders. Coupons for baby toys come in the mail, photographers call hoping to schedule appointments. You see so many little ones sitting on Santa’s lap, such wonderment shining in their eyes. And the emptiness grows deeper.

Socializing (“celebrating” seems too strong of a word) with family members and co-workers is not always easy either. You may find that they don’t verbally acknowledge your baby’s memory in or¬der to protect you from “more pain” and themselves from discomfort. Of course, we all know in our minds that they have not forgotten our sweet children. But in our hearts it still hurts. A lot. And the emptiness grows even deeper.

So, what are we able to do in order to help ourselves and loved ones through this lonely time? First of all, be aware that there will be at least a touch of sadness, even if there are other children in your home who will awaken you at six in the morning to see what Santa has left. Realize that “unex¬plained tears” and pangs of sadness are very normal and natural, even years after your baby has died.

Secondly, do spend time with your family and friends but do not over-extend yourself. Make sure that you and your spouse have time alone to share feelings and memories, the ones that only the two of you are able to fully appreciate. Do something nice and relaxing for yourself, whether it is a bubble bath or game of golf.

And finally, do something special to honor the memory of your child. Some parents light a candle at the church, others decorate their child's grave site with poinsettias and garland, while others always keep an extra place set at the Christmas dinner table. Many parents give financial gifts to a charity in loving memory of the baby. Some families donate a toy or two which they feel their child would enjoy if they were still within the family. Some make sure that others in the family receive a gift, given in love, from the brother or sister they hardly/never knew. One mother shared that she crocheted snowflake Christmas decorations and glued a picture of their son into the middle. She then gave one to family members and close friends.
The important thing to remember is to do something that you find helpful and meaningful.

Surviving the holidays after the loss of your baby

The holidays are incredibly difficult after the death of a child, but especially for young moms after the death of their precious infants – no matter how or when their babies died - before birth or during the first year or two .. Each and every child is precious and having other children doesn't make it easier, but for those mom's who have lost their only child - the holidays can be especailly painful.  For each of you, I hope this article from a young mom, will help you find peace this holiday season…


SURVIVING THE HOLIDAYS  ~ by Peggy Crane

All my life I have dearly loved all holidays. I enjoyed the planning, decorating, family gatherings, and presents. By the time my eldest daughter, Danielle, was about two years old she was a full-fledged holiday lover, too.

In the Spring of 1990 I found out that I was pregnant with my second child and that the baby was due on Christmas Day. Since we had been trying to get pregnant for quite a while, I was ecstatic with the news. The additional bonus of having a Christmas baby only added to my joy. Particularly in the last few weeks of my pregnancy I enjoyed going to church and listening to the familiar Christmas stories full of reminders that a very special baby was about to be born. It was very special to me to rehear the historical accounts of the anticipation of Jesus’ birth at a time when my mind was so full of thoughts about the impending arrival of my own baby. Maegan was born just four days before Christmas. Her one and only Christmas was a beautiful, peaceful day for all of us.

After Maegan died of SIDS at the age of four months, I found myself dreading all holidays. Every special occasion was a sorrowful reminder of the beloved child that was no longer with us. Since Maegan’s first birthday and our first Christmas without her came all at once, this was an especially painful time.

For the sake of my sanity, and to keep the wondrous joy of the holiday season alive in Danielle, who was then five, I sought advice from friends who had suffered similar losses and I read articles on the subject. The following is a summary of the information that I found to be the most helpful:

Be easy on yourself. The holidays will most likely be difficult for you—don’t be alarmed if you find yourself crying without warning. If you can accept these facts, it may help you relax a little bit. Do attend whatever gatherings you most want to go to but don’t force yourself to accept every invitation. Trying to cope with the loss of your child takes enough energy without burdening yourself with a lot of social obligations.

Prioritize your holiday rituals. This may be a good time for you to take stock of the activities you do each year and weed out those that you no longer feel inclined to do. For example, if holiday baking is something you dread, look for a place to buy your holiday goodies or consider swapping with friends. Or, just because you don’t have the energy for an elaborate list of Christmas cards this year doesn’t mean that you can’t resume sending holiday cards next year if you feel more able.

Find a new place to celebrate the holidays. I am so thankful that a friend suggested that we break from tradition and spend our first Christmas after Maegan’s death away from home. We rented a cabin in the mountains for Maegan’s birthday until the day after Christmas. Being in neutral surroundings allowed us to focus on our immediate family, away from the pressures of our well-meaning family and friends. The mountain setting was so peaceful and beautiful that it helped to remind us of the joys of life.

Do something special to commemorate your beloved baby. Many people find that it makes them feel better to make a financial contribution to a charity in loving memory of their baby. You might want to suggest to family members that they take the money they would have spent on a gift for your child and make a charitable contribution. Some people like to buy a toy or clothing that they feel their own child would have enjoyed and donate it to a childrens’ charity. Among other traditions in our home, Santa always leaves a special present for Maegan’s family and we provide the altar flowers for our church on the Sunday when the children’s Christmas pageant is presented.

Do keep an open line of communication with friends and family about how you are feeling. These times can be very awkward for those around us. Many people avoid mentioning your loss, for fear it will make you feel worse. It will most likely be easier for everyone if you bring up the subject and discuss your feelings openly. I think that this is particularly important on the days that are unique to you and your baby such as their birthday and the anniversary of their death. Over and over, I have heard people say that they were thinking of us on these special days but they were afraid to call or to bring up the subject.

Parent & Child - Unique & Special Relationships

There is no relationship like that of parent and child. It is unique and special...

The bond between parent and child is so powerful that its strength endures time, distance, and strife. No loss is as significant as the loss of a child...On the death of a child, a parent feels less than whole. ~ ARNOLD AND GEMMA 1994, 25-27

When a child dies, the sense of absolute emptiness, the lack of wholeness, and the feeling of diminishment after the death of a child are felt by all parents, regardless of marital status; age; language; financial or social circumstances; biological relation to the child; or cultural, racial, or religious background.

Despite the differences among parents, their responses and needs, all have one major need in common-their grief is intense and must be acknowledged.

Yes, you will always grieve to some extent for your child who has died. You will always remember your “baby” - whether an infant or adult child, because no matter their age from the time a pregnancy begins, or circumstance of their death, as parents we all wish beyond wishes that we could smell their smell or hold them in your arms. But as time goes on, this wishing will no longer deplete you of the will to live your own life.  ~ HORCHLER AND MORRIS 1994, 158

What is grieving?

~ by Cherie Houston

Sadly, those of us who have lost children all know that the death of a child is a particularly difficult kind of grief. No parent ever expects their child to die before them. It is out of the natural order of things and it is something that we all agree, should never have happened. But it does happen…
To me, it seems that it’s our own personal previous experiences of loss and grief, which affects the way we grieve for our own child. Whether our child died before they were born, or when they were an infant, young child or young adult, or a much older adult child – age doesn’t matter. We all should remember though that grief is natural and it is our own unique way of expressing how we feel and cope with losing someone who was and is so important in our life. It's OK and it's NORMAL!!!

Some people think that you can only grieve for a child who has been born alive and one that you have got to know, if only for a short while – how totally ridiculous and untrue.. As a parent, we don’t begin to love our children once they enter the world – I think we begin that relationship and that love for them as soon as we know or expect that we are expecting (even if that expecting is through adoption!)… Because of this, grief is every bit as real for those parents whose children die before or shortly after they are born..

By the same token, even though our child that died might have children or even grandchildren of their own, it doesn’t mean that their death will be less devastating to us, their parents. Yes - grieving is different for each of us, but the age and circumstance of our children’s deaths doesn’t matter – they are our children, now they are gone and we have to go on living without them physically here with us. So we grieve..
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Each of us will grieve in our own way, at our own pace.

Grieving means accepting the reality of what has happened and learning to live with the change that has taken place in our lives and readjusting our dreams for the future. And this acceptance happens slowly...

Grieving isn't about forgetting our child who has died, it simply means we have to find a place for our child in our life and in our hearts. We find a way to remember our child, without losing our breath or feeling that seemingly unbearable heartbreaking pain that we felt when our child first died.

We know, that despite popular beliefs about grieving, that time alone does not heal. We’ve learned, that it is only through this journey of grieving that we begin to work through the terrible heartbreaking pain. For some parents, the loss of a baby or child years ago was not seen as a significant loss and for these parents, their grief may only be acknowledged years later when they least expect it.

It serves no purpose whatsoever to compare or judge the intensity of feelings involved in anyone else’s grief. We have to remember, that we are each different and our journey through grief will be different also ~ but we can and will survive ~ and how blessed we were to have had our children in our lives and for that we can and should be thankful…

Life After Loss: How The Death of A Baby Changes You Forever

Excerpt from an article written by Ann Douglas…


During those intensely painful days after my daughter Laura was stillborn, I remember feeling that I was at a crossroads in my life-that two separate paths lay before me: I could let this tragedy destroy my life and break my spirit or I could find a way to make something positive come out of my daughter's death.  Fortunately for me, I inherited the stubborn gene from my parents, so giving up on life really wasn't a viable option for me. So, by default, I gravitated toward the second alternative: finding a way to make something good come out of this most searing of losses.

While I would never have wished this on myself, the death of a baby is too big a price to pay for any personal growth experience, I have been forever changed by the experience of losing Laura. In many ways, I'm a better person than I was before that fateful day five years ago when a tiny piece of my heart was forever broken.

For one thing, I'm more compassionate. I feel an immediate bond with any parent who has experienced the death of a baby as well as anyone else who is grieving the death of someone significant in their life, be it a spouse, a parent, or a close friend.

My volunteer work with grieving parents and the articles and books I've written on miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death have allowed me to make a difference in the lives of other parents who've experienced the tragedy of losing a much-wanted baby. That means a lot to me.

I'd say I'm more aware of what it feels like to be really connected to someone-heart-to-heart and soul-to-soul. I have a very special friend whose baby died shortly after mine did. The two of us spent a lot of time together in the weeks that followed, sharing our grief about the babies who would never come home.

Another perk: I'm less of a control freak. After all, I've learned the hard way that some things are out of your control-and some things can't be fixed, no matter how desperately you want to put the pieces back together again.

I've come to terms with my fear of death. Being forced to deal with the death of my child has forced me to confront my own mortality.

I've also learned how to put things in perspective. A leaky ceiling, a missed deadline, a squabble with my husband, or a minor fender bender no longer qualify as a crisis for me. I now save the "crisis" label for the real life-and-death situations.

Finally, I'm better able to celebrate the wonder in everyday life. Rather than looking forward to that magical day when my mortgage is paid off, I reach my goal weight, and I have a book or two on the bestseller list (hey, a girl can dream, can't she?), I'm more inclined to delight in what's happening in the here and now: to savour the joy I feel when my youngest child, Ian, hugs my leg and says, "I really love you, Mom" and to enjoy the way my heart lifts when the telephone rings and there's a special friend on the other end of the line.

There are just a few of the gifts that Laura gave to me during her brief journey through my life. These gifts are her legacy to me.

Ann Douglas is the author of 21 books, including The Mother of All Pregnancy Books: The Ultimate Guide to Conception, Birth and Everything in Between, The Mother of All Baby Books: The Ultimate Guide to Your Baby's First Year, The Unofficial Guide to Having a Baby, Baby Science and Trying Again: A Guide to Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss. She is a regular contributor to ePregnancy and WebMD, and has been featured in Parenting, Working Mother, and Good Housekeeping. She is the mother of four children, ages 5 through 14, and can be contacted via her web site http://www.having-a-baby.com/