Am I going crazy?

Susan Schneider from boulder, CO sent this to me lat year, but I believe we've shared this before..  This is a question I think almost all of our who have lost a child ask ourselves from time to time and although we may know we are not, the fear is certainly overwhelming at times - even years after the death when we should be totally okay (or at least that's what others around us think), so i thought it might help if we share it again...  No we aren't going crazy, we are simply devastated by our unimaginable loss... May you find peace in the days and months ahead - Cherie Houston

Am I Going Crazy?

By Russell Friedman and John W. James @ legacy.com “Grief Recovery Handbook”

 response to the death of someone important to them is a sense of numbness. After that initial numbness wears off, the most common physiological reaction is a reduced ability to concentrate. The rest of the world goes out of focus. Nothing else is important.

It is normal and natural that your entire being is centered on what happened and your relationship with the person who died. The length of time that the reduced ability to concentrate lasts is individual and can vary from a few days to several months, and even longer. It is not a sign that there’s something wrong with you. The fact that the emotional impact of the death of that person has altered your day-to-day routines is very healthy. It would make no sense for you to not be affected by the death.

It is normal to drift out of focus in response to conscious or unconscious memories of the person who died. Please be gentle with yourself in allowing that your focus is not on the actions of life, but on your reactions to a death.

If you’re at work, you can take little “grief breaks” as needed. It’s a good idea to establish a safe person at work who you can talk to when and if you get overwhelmed. It’s also smart to have a phone pal you can call when the emotions keep you from concentrating. The breaks and chats will make you able to do the work you need to do.

Please keep in mind that it’s important to focus while driving a car. It’s not safe to drive with tears in your eyes. If need be, pull over. Allow yourself to have whatever emotions come up, and maybe call someone and talk for a while before you get back on the road.

When Your Heart Is Broken, Your Head Doesn’t Work Right

Along with not being able to concentrate, your thinking ability and judgment may be limited. That’s why grieving people are advised to be careful about making major life decisions in the aftermath of the death of someone important to them. To put it in simple terms, when your heart is broken, your head doesn’t work right. You must take care either not to make big decisions until you regain your ability to focus, or you must make sure you have people you trust to help you understand your choices and the consequences of what you decide.

There are other common physiological reactions to grief. Sleeping habits are often disrupted for an extended period of time. You may find yourself unable to sleep, or you may not be able to get out of bed. You can even go back and forth between those extremes. Eating patterns are also subject to confusion. You may not be able to eat at all, or you may not be able to stop. You can also ping-pong between those extremes. Sleeping and eating disruptions aren’t as common as the reduced ability to concentrate, but they can be really uncomfortable. If they happen, it also doesn’t mean you’re going crazy. It just means that your routines and habits are out of synch.

Another common grief reaction is best described as a roller coaster of emotions. It can be a wild ride, with tremendous emotional shifts. But, like concentration and the eating and sleeping issues, that roller coaster is one of the typical responses to the death of someone important to you. Don’t fight it, just go along for the ride, no matter how bumpy it might be. When it happens, it’s a good idea to call a friend, and talk about what you’re feeling. Talking about what you’re experiencing helps make sure you don’t trap your feelings inside.

Normal and Natural — Not Crazy

The reduced ability to concentrate; the disruption of sleeping and eating patterns; and the roller coaster of emotions are all normal and natural reactions to death. There is nothing crazy about them or you.

Those reactions usually diminish within time as you adapt to life without the person who died. But time doesn’t heal emotional wounds, nor does it complete anything that may have been left emotionally unfinished when the person died. Sometimes it’s just the feeling of wanting to have said one more “I love you and goodbye.” Sometimes it is a more complex set of communications that would include apologies, forgiveness, and significant emotional statements.

It is always helpful to discover and complete anything that was left unfinished. Doing so will allow you to have fond memories not turn painful. It will also help you remember your person the way you knew them in life. And it will help you continue a life of meaning and value, even though it is altered by the absence of he person who died.

Above all, allow yourself to be out of rhythm. As we said, be careful when you’re driving and be cautious when making major decisions. Be gentle with yourself as you make your re-entry back into the flow of your life. But don’t judge yourself harshly because you are having any or all of the reactions we mentioned.

When a child dies, what friends & family should not do....

The death of a child is very different from that of a parent, spouse or other family member or friend.  It is an overwhelming grief that no one should ever experience.  But the reality is, it happens, and when and if it does, it's often hard to know what you should or shouldn't do to help the grieving parents...  

 

 

 

We hope these helpful hints will give you some insight - remember they need your unconditional love, support and patience and not just immediately after the loss, but during the years ahead.. and also remember that no parent "gets over the death of their child" they simply learn to live with it... Cherie Houston 

 

 

How NOT To Help A Friend Whose Child Has Died... 

~ Author Unknown

• Don't be afraid of intruding. You're not.
• Don't be afraid of offering help with daily chores or things that need to be done-Grieving parents usually have no idea what they need, so take some initiative with meals, picking up other children from school, household chores and other errands .
• Don't avoid or ignore the grieving parents. They are already grieving a loss, and losing a friend or loved one only makes their grief worse..
• Don't leave when you become uncomfortable. It will only make your friend feel worse - guilty about their grief.
• Don't avoid talking to your friend because you don't know what to say.
• Do not EVER say, "It is for the best," even if you believe it. It is trite, unfair & very hurtful.
• Don't shirk on promises - if you've agreed to do something for the grieving family, failing at your responsibilities will feel like a bigger slap in the face.
• Don't be hurt if the grieving parents say something mean or hurtful. They're not quite themselves, which means they lash out. Be patient.
• Religion is a potentially explosive way to comfort. Unless you absolutely know 100% the person will be comforted by mentions of faith, don’t go there. Religion is a very complicated thing in the wake of a child’s death, and they may be angry at God or confused as to how to incorporate the death of a child into the religion that they have known to have their best interests in mind.
• Even if the grieving parents are intensely religious, they may be having a crisis of faith in the wake of a child’s death, and they could be angered/saddened by mention of religion.
• Especially stay away from, “God wanted her more than you,” or “God needed her more." I don’t care if it is the all powerful creator of the universe, you don’t tell any Mom or Dad that anyone wants their child more than they do.
• So many people hate seeing their loved ones in such pain and want to fix it. Consequently, they start talking about how you have to move on, that you will see them again, the child is with God, it will get better in time, etc. - all things they think will “fix it.” Don’t try to do this-believe me, those comments don't "fix" anything.
• Don't be afraid to bring up the lost child - the grieving parents will already be thinking of their child and talking about their child actually helps them in their grief..
• If your friend doesn't want to discuss their lost child or their feelings, accept that and move on to another topic.
• Don't say, "I know how you feel," because you do not. It minimizes the grief and grieving they're going through.
• Don't say, "I don't know how you do it." Your friend does it because he or she has to.
• Don't mention silver linings. That feels condescending and rude.
• Don't put a time-table on grief. No one knows how long it will take to grieve the loss of a child, so don't expect that your friend will simply "get over it" in a specific period of time. They won't.
• Don't refer to the child in impersonal ways - instead, use the child's name. It may feel uncomfortable to you, but it will remind your friend that the world has not, in fact, forgotten their lost child.
• Don't forget about the siblings of the lost child. Not only have they lost a brother or sister, they've lost their parents during the grieving process.
• Never discount your gut. If your friend seems to be suicidal or is beginning to isolate, seek professional help.
• Don't forget the anniversary dates - almost no one remembers the second anniversary of a child's death. This makes parents feel as though the world has forgotten their child and that only adds to their pain and heartache.
• Don’t be afraid to show emotion. Many people feel they have to be strong for their friends, that they can’t cry or show emotion. You can be strong AND be emotional. If tears come, don’t fight them. This shows your friends that you, too, are crushed and sad and lost

EXPIRATION DATES DON'T APPLY TO GRIEF...

~ by Lynn Hughes - "Hello Grief"

"Certain things need an expiration date. Milk, eggs, mayonnaise, meat, fish… there is a time we need to be done with them, and throw them away… I get all that. But does grief have an expiration date? For some reason, there seems to be an acceptable shelf life..6-12 months, and then grief should be off the shelf, out of the home and permanently removed with the weekly trash service.  If it was only that simple…

The “grief expiration date” myth must come from people who have never experienced a close death – otherwise they would know the truth. Everyone fears facing such a loss. They are hopeful that should death touch their world, it will only take 6-12 months to recover. No one wants someone they love to die. So, until faced with the reality, it’s easier to think ‘this won’t happen to me, AND if it does it will only be bad for a finite, short amount of time and then…there’s an expiration date and it is magically all gone.’ What a wonderful world that would be.

I've heard time and time again there is a societal expectation to “get over” grief in 6 months, and at the longest, a year. Those who aren't grieving believe it, and often those who are also believe it - this sets grieving people up for false, and ultimately disappointing, expectations.

The one year mark looms like some golden carrot over the heads of those who are grieving. It is a symbol of hope that if they make it to the one year mark they will be in a much happier and pain free place.

The reality is they won’t be over it, nor should they be. If someone spent years loving another person, the pain of that person’s death simply will not be removed due to a date on the calendar.

The opposite actually might happen – people who are grieving may feel even more pain in year two because the initial numbness, which often serves as a protective barrier at the onset of loss, has worn off and they begin experiencing the full intensity of their feelings and grief. This is accompanied by the realization that life with loss  is their “new normal.”

I lost my mother at 9 and father at 12. I remember feeling the expectation of a grief expiration date myself. I remember being 15, five years after my mother died and three years after my father died. If I had a tough day missing my parents, people looked shocked, or avoided the subject, or avoided me. Sometimes I would hear insensitive comments, like “ aren't you over that?” Or when someone experienced a more recent loss, I would get “Oh, poor [so and so]. What a tragic loss.  Aren't you glad you are over that now?”

I remember beating myself up and doubting how well I was coping. If you allow yourself to believe there is an expiration date for grief, you will start to think you aren't doing well if you still miss your loved one 5, 10, 20, 40 years after the loss. In reality – it’s normal. And it’s okay.

This is what I know to be true:  Grief is a life-long journey. 

Grief is an emotional handicap you get up, and live with everyday. It doesn't mean you can’t lead a happy life, but it is a choice, and takes work. The frequency and intensity of those grief pangs/knives should lessen over time, but the reality is every now and then for the rest of your life, you will feel those pangs. Everyone grieves at their own pace, and in their own way. There is no one way to grieve, and no certain order, and no timeline. There is definitely not an expiration date.

Grief will take on different forms in different people. Not everyone cries; others cry all the time. Some exercise a lot. Others talk about it a lot. Many seek counseling or join a support group, and enjoy the company of a good and understanding listener.

If years after your loss, thinking of your loved one missing a special day or milestone in your life, makes you sad, puts you in a funk, or makes you cry, don’t beat yourself up. Allow yourself the ability to grieve the loss of memories not created. As long as the frequency and intensity of grief eases—even if it is slowly over time—you are coping in positive ways. 

Alternatively, if years after the loss, you can’t bear the mention of your loved ones name, you sleep all day, you aren't participating in your normal everyday activities, you do things to “numb” or escape your grief, those are warning signs that you are not coping well, and should seek the assistance you need to begin healing.

Grieving in a healthy manner, taking steps to move forward, and rebuild your life with a new normal, doesn't mean you won’t have those tough days or tough moments.

There is no expiration date. Grief never fully goes away. That doesn't have to mean you can’t and won’t live a happy and productive life. What it does mean is the love you shared with loved ones lost, doesn't have an expiration date either"

Grandparent Grief - Helping Your Grieving Child (part 3 of 3)

Grandparent Grief - Helping Your Grieving Child (part 3 of 3)  Continued from Blog Posting on October 1st, 2012..

~ By Margaret H. Gerner

What Can We Do

 Encourage Talking - Like you, bereaved parents have a strong need to talk about what they think and feel. Encourage talking. Never say, "You shouldn't say that." Allow them to talk about their child and about their child's death.

Allow your Child to Cry - Crying, even sobbing, is healthy and necessary. Repressed tears can lead to a host of physical ailments. Tears are helpful in getting out the pain and releasing pent up stress. Never say, "control yourself." Avoid worrying about what other people will think if your child cries in front of them. Your child is not there to take care of others. Remember, this bout of crying will pass, and while it may disturb you for awhile, your child will feel better. Crying with your child can be therapeutic for both of you.

Talk about your Grandchild - Don't worry that it will make your child cry. You don't remind her of her child. He is on her mind most of the time, anyway. Talking about the child tells her you care. If she cries, she is crying because her child is dead, not because you brought it up. Actually, the tears you may help to precipitate can be good for her.

Listen to your Bereaved Child - The greatest gift you can give your child is a listen. Few bereaved parents have someone who will listen to stories about their child or to how guilty or angry they feel. You can be that listener. Even if you have not had open communication with your child up to now, you can change that. One of the most talked-about subjects in groups of young bereaved parents is the lack of understanding from their parents. If you really listen, you'll understand. Your child needs you to listen and needs you terribly.

Non-judgmental listening. Our generation has been taught to:  "Control" ourselves, keep feelings inside, that the person who doesn't talk about the loss of a loved one and who doesn't cry is doing "well". These ideas are wrong, and certainly not helpful. We now know that suppressed grief is unhealthy, both emotionally and physically.

At the same time, we have been taught to love, to help others, to grow and adjust. We've been taught to be creative and try new things. You can use these positive teachings in listening to and loving your child.  A lot of what your child may say and feel will seem irrational. Just putting these things into words helps them to realize how illogical these thought may be. Just let them speak and discover for themselves.

Physical support is important. you can certainly help your child in this respect if you live close by. The fatigue that is part of grief is debilitating. In many cases your child is maintaining a full time job as well as keeping a home. Many have surviving children to care for as well. Help with laundry, cooking meals, shopping, running errands. But ask first. Having someone suddenly take over your household can only add to the stress.

Take the surviving children for a day or afternoon. This will give your bereaved child some time. the grandchildren might enjoy it, too. This gives them an opportunity to be away from the constant sadness that is likely to permeate their home and have a day with a good grandparent. When they are with you, if they want to talk about their dead sibling, by all means, practice your listening skills.

Physically hold your child. We are willing to bet there are times when your child would love to crawl up on "mommie's" or "daddy's" lap to be comforted as in years past. Be aware of this and actually allow it in any way possible. Even a hand on an arm means a lot. The need to be held is stronger during tears or an especially hard time. Many times, your child may not be aware of wanting to be held, but you can't take the initiative, for sons as well as daughters.

The real benefit is that you feel you are doing something to help, not just sitting back helplessly watching your child suffer. It's perfectly all right to offer your lap as well as your hands, shoulders, heart and tears.  Your child is now and will always be “your child”…

For those fortunate enough to have never lost a child…

Most parents who are coping with the death of a child or children are commonly frustrated and saddened by well-meaning family, friends and co-workers who don’t understand why they can’t “move on” or “get back to normal”…  

Since I began this blog almost 3 years ago after the death of my third child, my 36 year old son Bobby,  I’ve written many postings about why I think others can’t understand, typically trying to give them the benefit of the doubt…  I recently received the following from a mom in England, who asked that I not share her name – but she tells me it was written by a grieving dad and it is to me the most powerful response to those well meaning “outsiders” that I’ve ever read….I know its longer than most of our postings, but believe me, it’s also one of the most powerful…  

I don’t know this dad, or where he’s from, but I want to thank him on behalf of all of us, for being so eloquent – for saying what I think may of us feel and think to ourselves ~ but have never been able to say as well.  Furthermore I hope this dad, Alan Carnahan,  won’t mind that this is one article I will share annually on our blog….Cherie Houston

For those fortunate enough to have never lost a child…

~by Alan Carnahan, grieving father

You say it’s time for me to “move on” in my grief. Perhaps you’re right or perhaps you just don’t realize what you’re asking. So, why don’t you try this little exercise and maybe it will help you get a better perspective on what I am going through. To make this really hit home for you it should be practiced for at least 24 hours. The longer the better; but, we do not have that long, so we will do it for 10 minutes. Don’t blow this off as a stupid idea. It works along the same lines as blindfolding yourself to experience being without sight.

First of all, think about your child.

I want you to try to imagine the worst thing in the world that your beloved child died. Whatever age or stage of development, whether he or she lives with you or not, just imagine you won’t ever see that child on earth again.

Let me explain to you the reality…try to imagine, if you can, never seeing your child again, never hearing his/her laugh, never hearing the sound of their voice, never smelling the scent you have come to recognize as your child…. never hearing them say “I love you”…nothing – just silence, emptiness…..

Now imagine never seeing your child’s smile, never seeing him upset or happy, never watching him sleep…missing them so much that you are twisted up inside and the pain stays with you 24/7.

You smell their pillow, their clothes, you look at his pictures and can only cry – what happened, why?

You have never felt longing like this in your life! Longing to hear his voice, to see his face again,…and to know deep in your soul you cannot fix this.

Now, imagine every single thing that used to give you joy and pleasure turns into hurt and despair overnight. Not a gradual thing, but going from pleasure to hurt, from happiness to sadness, from peace to no peace, changing overnight. Every thing you loved now hurts like hell… For example: music. I used to be a band director. Music was a big part of my life. Now it’s hard for me to listen to it It sears me like a red hot knife with the pain of losing my child, it cuts me wide open, especially rap music……my son loved rap music. Almost every song reminds me of the void in my life without my child. I am not unique in that pain – if you lost a child you would know. That is just one little example of how your life is affected by the loss of your child. Just ONE example!

Now imagine calling all your family and friends to tell them your child died.

Next; go to a funeral home and discuss caskets or cremation, headstone, burial plots, etc. Pick out a favorite outfit for your child to be buried in and the flowers that lay at the alter. Sit down and write out the obituary for the newspaper, pick out the music to be played at their memorial and picking out pictures of them to put around the funeral home.

Get in his closet of his room and hold onto his clothes that he wore and cry until there are no more tears.

Then repeat this until you think you’re losing your mind and your gut is wrenching.

If you made it through that part you are ready for the next step. As good parents, we were always able to fix things or make things better for our children.. this we cannot fix, we cannot make it better. So; on top of everything else you are feeling, you also feel helplessness, out of control hopelessness…and this is universal. Every parent that truly loves their child will feel this.

Are you starting to imagine now how it feels? Just think you are doing this exercise for only 10 minutes, imagine… really imagine, feeling this way 24/7 – day after day, month after month, year after year and no matter what you are doing or who you are talking to; memories of your child play over and over in your mind. Your child when he was a baby, a laughing happy little boy, a handsome young teen, a wonderful young man/ woman and it always plays in your head and you do not want to forget even a single second of your beautiful child’s life…but; that is a fear you have. You fear that as time passes, you will start to forget…so now, please add FEAR to the list of emotions.

This is what it really feels like. A part of you has died…. don’t just read the words, FEEL them – DIED…… gone forever… a real, beautiful, living part of you has died… and you are still living. Left behind to try to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and not having a clue where to even begin. No wonder a high percentage of marriages break up, parents have breakdowns, turn to alcohol, drugs or a destructive way of life. NO WONDER!!!!!

During all of this remember, the world hasn’t stopped. If you have a job, you will have to return to it. The power company and everyone else still wants their payment each month.

You may have doctor’s bills, ambulance bills, and attorney fees if an accident was involved.

If your child died at the hands of another, there will be a trial and publicity.

If you were blessed to have other children; you will have to deal with their grief as well as your own. They will still have homework, tests, reports, projects and the class bully.

You feel the loss with every thought, every emotion. The loss bleeds into every aspect of your life.

Even with your other children…you still love your other children just as much as always, but, as hard as it is… even they hurt you now… because when you see them… you feel the LOSS, the loss of the child that died…. not being with their siblings. It doesn’t fit. There is a piece missing. Your whole life doesn’t fit anymore. Everything that felt right, now feels wrong and of course there is always the missing, the horrible gut wrenching, out of your control….. MISSING….…

Next comes the “firsts”. First birthday without them. First anniversary of death and at first, you count the days, weeks, and months since they passed. Your first Christmas without them, etc. When everyone is singing tra-la-la and jingle bells…. you won’t be. Your heart will be too heavy. The hurt will be so intense you will marvel that you can get out of bed each morning.

Every morning when you take your other children to school you’ll be reminded that you AREN’T taking one too.

You’ll see their friends going on with their lives and it will cut you to the quick.

When they all graduate from kindergarten, middle school, high school….. your child won’t.

When you start getting wedding invitations in the mail for these other children, you’ll be reminded again of your loss.

Don’t forget that when you go shopping; you’ll see things that you wanted to buy for your deceased child and many times you will still buy them anyway.

You’ll see places the two of you USED to go and sometimes sit in the parking lot and remember that special day.

At home when you prepare a favorite meal of the child who is gone; it won’t taste the same to you.

The pictures, cards they made for you or sent you, the toys and other possessions of your child…. will be both harmful…. and helpful. They are a link to the past, a way to remember more about what you’ve lost and (had) at the same time; they are a link to the past and a way to remember more about what you’ve lost.

Remember……. That family portrait you were always so proud of? Well, it will take on a whole new meaning now.

A part of you does not exist anymore and it is scary as hell…. that is why they say the loss of a child is like no other loss.. you cannot compare it to another loss.

With other losses, you grieve and you are of course sad, but, when your child dies, a part of you ceases to exist… gone just like that….. gone no warning, JUST GONE.  And the life that you knew, the things you always felt, the things in your life that made sense, that you held on to, that makes up who you are – are Gone!!!

That is why when parents who have lost children hear..

“I want the old you back,”

“It’s been a year (a month, 6 months-whatever), don’t you feel better yet?,”

“You are doing this to yourself,”

“You’re making it harder on yourself,”

“Grief can become a selfish thing you know”

…we can only shake our heads and feel sadness and hopelessness, because there is no way our lives will ever be like it was when our child was alive.

No wonder bereaved parents isolate themselves, we are just trying to hold on.

So….were you able to imagine for 10 minutes what it must feel like? Even 2 minutes is too long to imagine the unimaginable, to feel the pain. I would not wish this on anyone….but did you get a sense of how life-changing it is? Imagine you feeling this way 24/7; not even getting a moments relief from it!

Now, go on and put in your favorite CD to listen to, enjoy the music…..go home and hug your child, listen to them laugh, watch him smile, smell the scent that you know is them and please do not tell me how I should feel or that I am holding onto this. I know that my friends/family must be tired of watching me go through this, because if you haven’t lost a beloved child of yours…… you haven’t got a clue.

When you hear these words “the presence of his absence is everywhere”…. will you finally understand?

Didn’t mean to ask too much of you. Believe it or not. I could write dozens of other things for you to imagine. Fortunately for you, it’s only an exercise. But I live it every day.

IF you have had the guts to stick it out to here…..remember; this was just a little exercise. I don’t think you will be so quick to utter those words now.  Not if you really did imagine.

~by Alan Carnahan, grieving father

A child's death is different from any other..

~ by Cherie Houston

Why is it that so many of us who have lost children tend to focus more on our children’s deaths instead of their lives??

My beloved “Nana Mae” died 13 years ago this month at the young age of 89.  She was without doubt the most important person in my life growing up ~ my children were blessed to have her in their lives until they themselves were adults.  We all miss her greatly and I feel her with me always and believe she’s watching over all of us…  But her death and the mourning process for her was so very different than that the deaths and mourning processes for my three (3) children-which seem at times to be endless.  When my grandmother died, like with most adults who die, we all remembered how she lived and what she meant to each of us – we celebrated her life and even now when I think of her, I think of everything she was and did, and almost always concentrate on all the wonderful happy memories we created together.  It is very rare that I think about those last days and hours of her life. 

Why then is it so different for those of us who have endured the tragedy of losing a child or children – it is almost always the total opposite, especially in the first 4-5 years or more...  As parents, most of us find ourselves concentrating on our children’s deaths and not their lives..  Is it because when children die, the entire natural order of the past, present and future seem to have been turned upside down and are simply totally out of whack!!!  After all as parents, we always just assume that we will be the ones to pass away first, leaving our children to carry our names and legacies into the future…  When our children die before us, we are forced to lose this innocent sense of balance.  Yes,  accepting the death of a child is an intense, extremely challenging, agonizing task.  It takes a lot of time before we can remember our children with smiles, concentrating on the wonderful happy memories we had with them – even if those memories are simply of a short, unfinished pregnancy, or a baby born an angel, or children who receive their angel wings as young infants or those who may have grown into adulthood… 

Yes the mourning process for those of us who have lost children, is very different from that of losing any other family member or friend during our life - no matter how close we were to them it is so different… 

Maybe that is why it is so terribly difficult for those around us to understand or comprehend what we are going thru as grieving parents..  How often they seem to wonder why it's so difficult for us to simply "move forward"  But think about it, almost everyone around us when they try to relate to grieving, thru their own grieving experiences, they - like myself - only focus on wonderful shared memories of a life lost, not of a future stolen from them…

Yes in time, we too will smile again – the pain and heartache will soften – and we can only pray that a time will come when we will find peace and joy and only focus on our children's lives and wonderful memories and not their untimely deaths.  

Give yourself time – time and more time. It takes months, even years, to open your heart and mind to healing. It's important to choose to survive, give yourself time, and you will heal.. Accept the fact that finding your "new normal" takes time, lots if time, because the death of our children is different and unique from any other loss we will ever experience..…

Coping with Sudden Death.. Part 3 of 3

~ By Therese Rando, Ph.D. ~ Continued from Part 2 on Wednesday, June 6, 2012

If you have lost a loved one from sudden death, you know that you had no chance to say good-bye and no opportunity to finish unfinished business with your loved one. Most probably these are major issues for you. The lack of time to bring this important relationship to a positive close causes much anguish to those of us whose loved ones die without warning. We wish that we could have known in order to say and do what we wanted to; we wish we could have just one more brief moment with our loved one to tell him we loved him, apologize for ways we might have hurt him, explain why we treated him the way we did, or let him know what he meant to us.

You may feel a profound loss of security and confidence in the world. After all, you have been taught a dramatic lesson: Loved ones can be snatched away without warning. You may always await another loss to befall. Research has shown that widows whose husbands died suddenly are slower to move toward remarriage, since they are unwilling to risk future unanticipated loss again for themselves and their children. Avoidance and anxiety eventually can lead to states of anxious withdrawal since the world has become such a frightening, unpredictable place.

In some ways. the consequences of losing a loved one to sudden death can last a lifetime. While for some mourners this can be evidenced in chronic grief or persistent anxiety in which security and confidence never totally return, for others the consequences ate less dramatic, though no less powerful. The best example I can give of this is a personal one. All of the deaths in my husband’s life have been anticipated deaths. When I am a little late returning from work my husband automatically assumes that I have been held up on the telephone or have run overtime with my patients. Unless I am dramatically late, he is not unduly disturbed and assumes I will be home soon.

In contrast, I have a much different response when he is later than expected. This is because all of the important deaths in my life have been sudden, unexpected ones. As a consequence when he is later than usual I automatically assume that something terrible has happened. I experience a considerable amount of apprehension. What makes me different from someone who has not worked so hard on these issues is that I will not immediately jump to call the hospitals or the police. I will remind myself that statistically the chances are that he all right and that there are reasons for his delay. Nevertheless, I am concerned.

Does this mean that I love my husband more than he loves me because I am more concerned when he is late? I think not. What it reveals is the scars of sudden death. I have been taught all too well that the people I love can be snatched from me without warning, and that death doesn’t always happen to someone else.

This awareness that you can lose someone without warning does not have to be negative. It can prompt you to deal with your loved ones on a timely basis. It can help you not to put off until tomorrow those things you should say and do today. It may assist you in making sure you don’t have too much unfinished business with the people you lose.

If your loved one died from a sudden death, you know that tomorrow is promised to no one. This awareness also can help you keep in mind what is important in life, so you don’t get lost in trivial matters and lose sight of those things that are most important to you. It is an ironic but positive consequence of sudden death that it can make you appreciate life more than you ever would have if you had not undergone such a traumatic experience. This does not mean that you would seek out such a loss in order to teach yourself such a lesson, but it does let you know that you can pull something meaningful out of such a tragedy.

Taken from Therese A. Rando, How To Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies. New York: Bantam Books, 1991, pp. 90-93

Coping with Sudden Death.. Part 2 of 3

~ By Therese Rando, Ph.D. ~ Continued from Part 1 on Monday, June 4, 2012

After a sudden death, the loss doesn’t make sense. The critically important understanding of what happened is missing. The sudden shock of losing someone we love without warning so stuns us that we cannot comprehend what has transpired. Consequently, if your loved one died suddenly, you may be unable to grasp the situation and find it difficult to understand the implications of the loss. Accepting that the death occurred can be difficult, even if you intellectually recognize that it happened. The death may continue to seem inexplicable for a long period of time. You repeatedly will have to go over the story of the accident or of the heart attack to try to make sense of the loss after the fact.

Because you were not prepared for the death and it had no understandable context, you will try to deal with your lack of anticipation by putting the loss into a series of events. You may find yourself looking back at the time leading up to the death and searching for clues that could have indicated what was to come. For example, one woman looked back on the days preceding her husband’s sudden fatal heart attack and “perceived” warnings she had missed initially. This tendency to reconstruct events in your mind in order to allow for some anticipation of the death is quite common. It is an attempt to restructure what happened so that it seems you had some inkling that the death was going to occur: “He really didn’t look that good in the last few weeks as I look back on at now’ or “You know, he was visiting his sisters whom he had not seen in a long time. Maybe he knew that something would happen.”

This retrospective construction of events makes the situation more manageable. It gives a perception of logical progression, of control and predictability, and retrospectively provides you with some anticipation and preparation.

However, problems arise when you hold yourself responsible for not perceiving cues that were actually either imperceptible or nonexistent prior to the death. Frequently grievers react emotionally and respond to what they perceive as unmet responsibility. One woman felt inordinate guilt for many years for not recognizing that her mother had been having some difficulty climbing the stairs. After her mother died suddenly from a burst aneurysm, the daughter felt that she should have recognized the mother’s impairment and known that it meant that something was wrong with her. However, unless this woman had been a physician and had run tests on her mother, there really was no way she could have known.

For survivors whose loved ones die suddenly, grief symptoms tend to persist longer. The physical and emotional shock that is a normal part of acute grief appears to be more intense and long-lasting. This may further demoralize you as you are trying to understand what happened to you and to cope with a drastically altered world, in addition to dealing with your feelings of loss and grief. You have the same grief tasks as all mourners, but you must cope with extra stresses that leave you relatively more depleted and disadvantaged.

To be continued on Friday, June 8^th, 2012

Taken from Therese A. Rando, How To Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies. New York: Bantam Books, 1991, pp. 90-93

Coping with Sudden Death.. Part 1 of 3

~ By Therese Rando, Ph.D.

In both sudden death and anticipated death, there is pain. However, while the grief is not greater in sudden death, the capacity to cope is diminished. Grievers are shocked and stunned by the sudden loss of their loved one. The loss is so disruptive that recovery almost always is complicated. This because the adaptive capacities are so severely assaulted and the ability to cope is so critically injured that functioning is seriously impaired. Grievers are overwhelmed.

If you are such a griever, you probably are suffering extreme feelings of bewilderment, anxiety, self-reproach, and depression, and you may be unable to continue normal life. You had no preparation and no time to gradually absorb the reality that the world was about to change dramatically.

Instead, there was a sudden destruction of the world you used to know. There was no gradual transition, nor time to make changes in yourself, your expectations about your life, or your world. In sudden death you are called upon to face a massive gap between the way the world should be, with your loved one alive, and the way the world is. The person whom you loved, and who provided you with security, is taken away without any warning. This is a major violation of your expectations.

Your sense of the world and of control is assaulted. This is not to say that these issues are not confronted by those whose loved one’s death was anticipated. The difference is that they have had a valuable period of anticipation that placed the death in the context of events that were predictable and made sense. Although they experienced pain when their loved one died, they could see what caused the death. Ideally, they had been preparing for the death and dealing with their feelings about it. They were able to finish unfinished business with their loved one, to say “I love you,” and to do the things they wanted to do for the person before he died. While there certainly are many problems and emotional demands associated with losing a loved one in an anticipated death, at least when the death comes, the grievers’ coping capacities have been directed toward dealing with that expectable end. The loss makes sense.

To be continued on Wednesday, June 6^th, 2012

Taken from Therese A. Rando, How To Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies. New York: Bantam Books, 1991, pp. 90-93

A Bend in the Road

~ Author Unknown

“In the book “A Bend in the Road,” David Jeremiah writes “When you’ve walked through the fire, people begin to listen to you.  When you have wisdom borne of suffering you begin to have the tools to accomplish something in the world.” 

I saw this first hand when a friend of my husband lost his two year old son.  He could not wait to talk to my husband.  He searched Don out at the funeral and could not get to my husband fast enough.

He grabbed Don and broke down in his arms.  I think just Don’s presence comforted him.  When he asked Don how he was going to go on, Don told him there was only one way. He listened while Don explained to him about the love of God and how HE has carried us through our own trial. I believe the death of our children has given us a freedom to speak to others about our faith and they also tend to listen to us in a more expecting way.  We have been through the fire.  We have the opportunity and the responsibility to reach out and comfort others..  

Beyond a shadow of a doubt, there have been gifts given me from my child.  Gifts like NO other.  Little nuggets of truth, of heroism, of the purest love I have ever known.  Purified by fire, I guess. LIKE GOLD. 

There is NO gold purer or more precious than this….and yet sometimes it is so bright that it burns our inner eyes and brings tears and pain to the body and soul.  Bright as the sun it emits a power that can heal us and also burn us…yet we hold it tightly in our hearts.

We who have this gold…..are blessed….and cursed….the love, the gifts, the loss, the pain, and yet there is no power in heaven or on earth that can take it away from us….nor would we let them.

Today I’m encouraging those of you who can…..to make your grief into a GOLDEN FIRE……to reach out and embrace another who is hurting.  In the reaching out to another, your own HEALING will and CAN begin.

“There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning.”   ………Louis L’Armour

The Face of Courage, The Heart of Strength

~ Joanne Cacciatore, PhD, MSW, FT, Founder of the www.missfoundation.org, in Peoria, AZ

What characteristics define courageousness and strength?

Many would say that courage is facing inherent fears. A person with an intense fear of heights would be courageous to parachute from an airplane, wouldn’t he? Instead of running from the debilitating fear, he stood and faced it. And what about strength? A person with demonstrative strength, perhaps a professional body builder, will not run from a challenge. He works out everyday, learning the skills necessary to increase his potential and toning muscles in preparation to lift that arduous bar bell.

The grief process has captivating similarities to the physical challenges posed to athletes. Yet, while athletes are admired and revered by society, many families in the grief process say they feel isolated within their own community. There is a misconception that compelling emotions should be repressed- that a person who openly shares tears is powerless and vulnerable.

There are those individuals brandishing the “carry-on-chin-up” stoic posture after a tragedy. Too often, these individuals are praised for their courage and strength. Some are commended on how well they are doing with pat-on-the-back encouragement. They have seemingly “carried on” with life, and put the tragedy and pain behind them. Some are admired for maintaining such unemotional composure, mistaking this “business-like” acumen for courage and strength. Others remain surreptitious with their emotions thinking others will view them as weak.

But take a look at the real defining characteristics of courage and strength. Does it take more courage and strength to bury the frightening and overwhelming emotions? Or does it take more courage and strength to deal with the grief- to look into the face of sorrow- to stare into the heart of pain? Those who have wept- really wept from the depths of the soul can answer that. Is there any emotion more harrowing, intimidating and physically exhausting as those experienced during those times of deep grief? Certainly not.

So which individual is truly the strong and courageous one? It must be the one who faces the pain full force- the one who has the courage to tell others the truth about their sorrow- the one who, instead of running, stands and faces the inconceivable challenges of grief- the one who isn’t afraid to share the raw emotions of grief with others, to encourage understanding and compassion- the one who will reach out to others in grief and help carry another.

Those are the defining attributes of true and indisputable courage and strength.

Grief Is Not An Enemy

~ From The Gift of Significance by Doug Manning

At my brother’s funeral, a lady said, “You seem to be doing so well.” “No, I am doing quite poorly, thank you,” I responded. She did not give up, and said, “Well, you don’t seem to be upset.” I did not want to get into any discussion, but I had acted as if nothing had happened as long as I could, and I reacted. “If I were doing well with my grief, I would be over in the corner curled up in a fetal position crying, not standing here acting as though no one had died.”

We are doing well with our grief when we are grieving. Somehow we have it backwards. We think people are doing well when they aren’t crying. Grief is a process of walking through painful periods toward learning to cope again. We do not walk this path without pain and tears. When we are in the most pain, we are making the most progress. When the pain is less, we are coasting and resting for the next steps. People need to grieve.

Grief is not an enemy to be avoided; it is a healing path to be walked.

You Know You Are Getting Better When – Part 2 of 2

The following is continued from Saturday, January 7th - As I stated when I wrote part 1, I’ve referred to the following article often through these last 27 months since my son Bobby’s death.  Each time I read it, it helps me realize that although those of us who are grieving aren’t truly ill., there is no doubt that we are “sick” – we are “heartsick” and the overwhelming pain and heartache we experience is just as debilitating as any illness might be.

Yes, for many if not most of us, looking back on those early days, months and even years since our child's death, we often wondered ourselves if we would “survive” what we were going through.. So I wanted to share this with you, hoping you might find a little hope and or inspiration in this article written for “hospice” entitled – “You Know You Are Getting Better When”… It is quite lengthy, which is why I posted it over 2 days… Cherie Houston

~ By Helen Fitzgerald, CT for the American Hospice Foundation

“You Know You Are Getting Better When”…
• You can enjoy a good joke and have a good laugh without feeling guilty.
• Your eating, sleeping, and exercise patterns return to what they were beforehand.
• You no longer feel tired all the time.
• You have developed a routine or a new schedule in your daily life that does not include your loved one.
• You can concentrate on a book or favorite television program. You can even retain information you have just read or viewed.
• You no longer have to make daily or weekly trips to the cemetery. You now feel comfortable going once a month or only on holidays or other special occasions.
• You can find something to be thankful for. You always knew there were good things going on in your life, but they didn't matter much before.
• You can establish new and healthy relationships. New friends are now part of your life and you enjoy participating in activities with them.
• You feel confident again. You are in touch with your new identity and have a stronger sense of what you are going to do with the rest of your life.
• You can organize and plan your future.
• You can accept things as they are and not keep trying to return things to what they were.
• You have patience with yourself through "grief attacks." You know they are becoming further apart and less frightening and painful.
• You look forward to getting up in the morning.
• You stop to smell the flowers along the way and enjoy experiences in life that are meant to be enjoyed.
• The vacated roles that your loved one filled in your life are now being filled by yourself or others. When a loved one dies he or she leaves many "holes" in your life. Now those holes are being filled with other people and activities, although some will remain empty. You are more at ease with these changes.
• You can take the energy and time spent thinking about your loss and put those energies elsewhere, perhaps by helping others in similar situations or making concrete plans with your own life.
• You acknowledge your new life and even discover personal growth from experiencing grief.

You Know You Are Getting Better When – Part 1 of 2

I received the following article about 6 months after my son Bobby died, with a note telling me she thought the article might help me realize that eventually I would feel better.. When I first received it I remember thinking, “Don’t you understand – I’m not sick – I don’t have the flu, my heart is simply broken and it will never heal”..
I’ve referred to it often these last 27 months since Bobby’s death, and each time I read it, the more I realize that although it’s true we aren’t ill when we are grieving, but there is no doubt that we are “sick” – we are “heartsick” and the overwhelming pain and heartache we experience is just as debilitating as any illness could be..
So when others say to us “I hope you are getting better” we first have to realize and accept that they don’t mean to hurt us in any way when they ask this question or make the statement – they honestly care about us and wish they could help, and more often than not they just don’t know what else to say. They know we are “heartsick” and are concerned, and they know they don’t have the remedy…
Yes, for many if not most of us, looking back on those early days, months and even years, we often wondered ourselves if we would “survive” what we were going through.. So I wanted to share this with you, hoping you might find a little hope and or inspiration in this article written for “hospice” entitled – “You Know You Are Getting Better When”… It is quite lengthy, so I am going to post it over 2 days… Cherie Houston
~ By Helen Fitzgerald, CT for the American Hospice Foundation
The progress through grief is so slow, and so often of a "one step forward and two steps backwards" motion, that it is difficult to see signs of improvement. The following are clues that will help you to see that you are beginning to work through your grief:
• You are in touch with the finality of the death. You now know in your heart that your loved one is truly gone and will never return to this earth.
• You can review both pleasant and unpleasant memories. In early grief, memories are painful because they remind you of how much you have lost. Now it feels good to remember, and you look for people to share memories with.
• You can enjoy time alone and feel comfortable. You no longer need to have someone with you all the time or look for activities to keep you distracted.
• You can drive somewhere by yourself without crying the whole time. Driving seems to be a place where many people cry, which can be dangerous for you and other drivers.
• You are less sensitive to some of the comments people make. You realize that painful comments made by family or friends are made in ignorance.
• You look forward to holidays. Once dreaded occasions can now be anticipated with excitement, perhaps through returning to old traditions or creating new ones.
• You can reach out to help someone else in a similar situation. It is healing to be able to use your experience to help others.
• The music you shared with the one you lost is no longer painful to hear. Now, you may even find it comforting.
• You can sit through a church service without crying.
• Some time passes in which you have not thought of your loved one. When this first happens, you may panic, thinking, "I am forgetting." This is not true. You will never forget. You are giving yourself permission to go on with your life and your loved one would want you to do this.
Part 2 of 2 will be posted on Tuesday, January 10th

Holiday Relief

I continue to be amazed at how many people are reading our blog and from so many different parts of world... WOW is all I can say...  and I’m just as amazed and thankful for all the wonderful articles so many of you continue to send to me to share with other moms..  I've been surprised bu the number of articles our readers have sent to us with advice on how to get through the holidays and I’m doing my best to post as many as possible..  Thank you and if I don’t share yours this year, I’m saving each and everyone to share at sometime in the future – so thank you. 

I want to thank Deidra Forthingham for the following article.  Deidra recently moved to Tempe, AZ from London, England and lost her only child, 14 year old Michael, who drowned while at camp, in August 2003.. Cherie Houston

Finding Relief Through the Holidays

~ by Clara Hinton

Losing a child changes everything about how a family thinks, sees, tastes, touches, and feels life. Experiences become strangely new and at times so different that it is sometimes frightening. Traditions and times of family fun that once seemed so routine, now feel oddly painful and lonely. Families often find themselves seeking ways to get through the holidays, instead of planning for holiday celebrations with past anticipation and joy.

Probably the first coping mechanism, and the most useful, is to accept the fact that losing a child does change things. Families often change best friends, seeking the support of those who can identify with individual as well as collective needs of the family. Sometimes families change churches. Often, worshiping at the same church is an emotional pain that is too hard to bear. 

Sometimes family members even change jobs, finding it easier to make the work more bearable with a new beginning. It is, therefore, reasonable and necessary to change some of how the family traditionally celebrated the holidays. Losing a child brings about many changes!

Don't place undue expectations on yourselves as a family. When your child died, a very real part of your identity as a family ended, too. Acknowledge that you are now in the very difficult position of holding fast to memories of someone you loved so very much in order to keep that precious child alive within your family. Not everyone will understand, and that often leaves hurt feelings, distances between friends, and even broken relationships within the extended family. Adjusting to the loss of a child is so very difficult for everyone.

Because you miss your child so much, yet you want to still have your holiday season be a time of celebration and joy, you are faced with a most difficult dilemma. Especially hard is facing the first holiday without your child. There will be a unique emptiness felt by each family member.

By including your child in the holiday, you will find that, even though it is painful, you will also feel some healing with your family take place. Many families have found it very healing to buy a gift for the child who has died. Place a holiday stocking on the mantle, and include small gifts in it such as a family journal, a picture frame, or a memorial candle. It is healing to include your child in the holiday in a special way.

Use the child's name when talking. Give family members permission to cry. Nobody expects you to be a super hero, so don't try to be one. It's healing to say, "I miss my baby so much, and I really wish she was with us!" Hold each other up as a family. When we try to deny our sorrow, often the pain only is intensified. Accept grief as a reality, and help each other through the pain.

Do things different, and don't be afraid to break old holiday traditions. Make this your year to begin a new holiday tradition. Maybe buy one really outlandish gift that can be wrapped and re-wrapped year after year. Continue to include that particular gift in the annual family gift exchange. Think of something different that is unique to you as a family. It will help break the heavy grief, and aid you in finding some momentary relief from your pain of loss.

Remind yourselves as a family that there will be a time when things will feel okay again. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You will be able to choose remembering the joy your loved one brought into the family rather than only remembering the grief of the day your child died. When a family celebrates love, the pain becomes less intense, and you will begin to feel relief.


~ Clara Hinton is a Certified Grief Facilitator, founder of The Silent Grief Website, and the author of four books, including Silent Grief. She is the author of a weekly newletter and has contributed to Christian Woman and Church and Family magazines. Clara speaks on college campuses on grief and is a keynote speaker at women's retreats. She has been interviewed on radio stations across the nation and appeared on various TV programs. Clara is a stay-at-home mother of eleven children and wife of 31 years

Grief can strengthen parents relationships

Despite old rumors that relationships can't survive the death of a child, recent studies indicate just the opposite. A recent study shows that the death of a child actually appears to draw bereaved parents together as they travel life's grief journey." (Source: "When a Child Dies" - survey for The Compassionate Friends Inc, October 2006).

This is good news, but don't misunderstand - staying together isn't something that is necessarily easy.. Without question, staying together takes a lot of effort on both sides and in many different ways. However, there are some common areas that can be worked on to help ensure that despite the tragedy you are facing, your relationship will strengthen - not fall apart...

Communication. This is perhaps the most important area. Keep talking - tell each other how you feel, listen to what the other person says, express your love for each other regularly. When you feel that sharp stabbing pain of loss - tell your partner. When you remember something about your child - tell your partner. When you have found something encouraging or caring that someone has said - tell your partner. And when your partner tells you something - listen (and show that you really are listening)!

Give each other space. This may seem strange in the light of the comments above. One of the things many couples find in the weeks and months after their child's death is that they couldn't always be the support that the other person needed. Yes there will be those times when one of you is up and the other is down and so the one who is “up” can give the love and care that was needed. But when you are both down, and that will happen, neither of you may be strong enough to provide the support needed, and that’s when tensions become more evident and you have to give each other a few minutes' space. Often times taking a short 'time out' is helpful and can help make your relationship stronger.

Recognise your differences. You are both different people and will grieve in different ways. What is important to one person may seem trivial to the other. It is vital that you each recognise the other person's views and needs as being valid. Don't think that because they aren't acting in the same way or holding the same opinion as you that they didn't love your child as much.

Remain affectionate. The area of sexual intimacy is one where needs and desires may vary. Charlotte M Mathes, a psychoanalyst and member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, expresses the difference between men and women very helpfully - "Commonly, men feel loved when they feel they are valued. Women feel love when they are shown compassion. Sex plays a very unique role with each gender. Men often need sex to feel loved by their wife while women may feel that sex is wrong after such a loss, but their need to touch may become more prominent." Try to remain affectionate, reassure each other of your love. Be patient with each other - you will in time find a place again for the physical side of your relationship.

Don't blame each other. Anger is a natural part of grieving, but it is important not to aim that anger at your partner. You may at times find that you are more easily hurt by insensitive words, so do take extra care that the phrases you use to each other don't convey blame. Phrases such as "I feel sad when you ..." (said gently) rather than "you really upset me when you..." (said in a harsher tone) can avoid aggravating raw emotions and provide better paths to good communication.

Seek outside help. For both of you, being able to talk to someone who isn't so closely involved, who will understand and listen, can be a real help. This might be a close friend, a support group such as Journey from Mourning, Compassionate Friends, Bereaved Parents' Network, your minister, priest or rabbi, a professional counsellor or your doctor. It is important that you both have someone you can turn to. Women often finder it easier to talk, but for men this can be a challenge, but most parents find that being able to turn to someone they trust was a real life-saver.

There are no quick fixes. But in time you will find yourselves more able to cope and even to laugh and find ways of enjoying life together again. Be assured that your relationship can survive and can grow even stronger!

Helping Yourself When Your Child Has Died – Part 1 of 2

~ by Charles A. Corr, Ph.D

The death of your child is likely to be the most painful and difficult experience you will ever have. A child’s death violates all that we expect from the natural course of events. “Children should outlive their parents,” we say. In most cases, they do. But what do we do when we find ourselves saying a final goodbye to a child? What then? What can we do to help ourselves in such awful circumstances?

EXPERIENCE YOUR GRIEF - At least at first, you may find yourself unable to accept that your child really has died. That is certainly understandable and normal. Give yourself time to absorb this harsh fact and to begin to acknowledge its many implications. Allow yourself to experience your grief in all of its dimensions – physical, psychological, social and spiritual. Do so gradually and in small doses, if you can.

Thinking about your child or talking about your child with others may sometimes be painful. At other times it may be comforting. Don’t be afraid to cry when you need. Tears are healing. The depth of the grief that you are currently experiencing is likely to relate closely to the depth of the relationship you shared with your child. Grief is the price we pay for having loved, for in doing so, we have allowed ourselves to be vulnerable to loss.

COPING WITH YOUR GRIEF - Try to manage, not master, your loss and grief. Focus on the present. You needn’t try to work out your entire future right away. Take one day at a time – but don’t try to cope even with an hour at a time if that is too much for you right now. Time does not heal all by itself, but the way we use the time that is available to us can help us to heal and grow.  Be mindful of your needs for food and water, rest and exercise. Taking good care of yourself is essential to provide the resources you need to function on a daily basis.

You will need to find your own way after the death of your child. Coping with such an awful loss is a very individualized experience. Think of what helped you when you encountered other, smaller losses earlier in life.

SUPPORT FROM FAMILY AND FRIENDS - Maintain relationships with immediate family members and friends. You really need their support right now, even if you don’t think there is much they can do for you. Do not hesitate to ask friends for assistance when you need help. True friends will be glad to learn how to help you in practical matters and other ways.

If someone says or does something that is not helpful or perhaps is even hurtful, you may wish to explain your feelings and discuss what does help. Do not suffer in silence. Look out for yourself. Most people mean well, but sometimes they don’t know what to do or what to say. In fact, we all have much to learn about what responses are appropriate when a child dies. You will likely find yourself teaching these lessons whether you want to or not. Be gentle, but firm; teach people to be more understanding and helpful to you.

When you give them permission, true friends will welcome opportunities to share with you their memories of your child – and you, too, will benefit, because their memories will enrich the legacy of your child in your own mind and heart.

Part 2 of 2 will be posted on Monday, June 11th

Surviving a Child on Mother’s Day

~ by Erma Bombeck

If you’re looking for an answer this Mother’s Day to why God reclaimed your child, I don’t know. I only know that thousands of Mothers out there today desperately need an answer as to why they were permitted to go through the elation of carrying a child and then lose it to miscarriage, accident, violence, suicide, disease or drugs.

Motherhood isn’t just a series of contractions; it’s a state of mind. From the moment we know life is inside us, we feel a responsibility to protect and defend that human being. It’s a promise we can’t keep. We beat ourselves to death over that pledge. “If I hadn’t worked through the eight month.” “If I had taken him or her to the doctor when he had a fever.” “If I hadn’t let him use the car that night.” “If I hadn’t been so naïve, I would have noticed he was on drugs or needed help with depression.”

The longer I live, the more convinced I become that surviving changes us. After the bitterness, the anger, the guilt and despair are tempered by time, we look at life differently. While I was writing my book: “I Want to Grow Hair, I want to Grow Up, I want to Go to Boise,” I talked with Mothers who had lost a child to cancer. Every single one said that death gave their lives new meaning and purpose.

And who do you think prepared them for the rough, lonely road that they had to travel? ---their dying child. They pointed their Mothers toward the future and told them to keep going. The children had already accepted what their Mothers were fighting to reject. Even those children who died a sudden death are able to spiritually touch their parents and help them live on.

The children in the bombed-out nursery in Oklahoma City have touched many lives. Workers who had probably given their kids a mechanical pat on the head without thinking, that morning were making calls home during the day to their children to say, “I love you.”

Joy and life abound for millions of Mothers on Mother’s Day. It’s also a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no Mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back.

In the face of misery they ask, “Why me?” but there is no answer. Maybe they are the instruments who are left behind to perpetuate the lives that were lost and appreciate the times they had with their children. They are the ones who help pick up the pieces when tragedy occurs and others have lost their children.