Special thanks to our soldier children...

On this special day, November 11th, intended to honor our veterans, I wanted to find just the right words of thanks for those children and for our moms who raised those beautiful children, children who choose to defend us and gave the ultimate sacrifice: their committment to defend our country, our freedom and our ability to decide what it is we believe in...

The moment those children (adults, men & women, some young, some not so young, but to a mom no matter what their age they are always our children); made the commitment to join the armed forces, their lives and their families lives changed forever.

Some, sadly, were not meant to come home alive. The how’s of why they died while in the armed forces isn’t important ~ they were soldiers and died as soldier; they were a parent’s child and died a parent’s child that is all that matters. For their sacrifice to agree to serve our country and protect our freedom, we are and will always be eternally grateful. We assure them and their parents, that they will not be forgotten – sleep peacefully our beloved soldier children and know we will be forever grateful that you were here and for all that you did ..Cherie Houston

I couldn’t find just the right words, but thought this note written this year on “Independce Day” speaks volumes to our soldier children’s memories…

~ July 4, 2010 ~ Eileen Marie Hines: To All Our Soldiers and their families

I am very humbled and grateful to be able to speak out concerning so many of our children that have died for us and their country. I know many people who's names would never fit in a large book, through my life, that spoke of soldier's, men and women alike that were just your average next door neighbor that loved and believed we live in the best country in the world!

My husband and I have raised our children to respect, and honor those that are serving in any capacity for freedom and helping other folk less fortunate than our people are here in the United States.

There is something mentioned somewhere that when one human being suffers, we are all touched by their suffering. This applies as well to our fallen comrades. We are so very, very, proud of them and their families for having given the ultimate sacrifice. We also know that it was not in vain. What we don't understand now, will become clear to us later.

The Commander-in-Chief, (GOD) has them safely with HIM for the present. We will get to see them later. I'm sure the medals HE will be passing out are far more wonderful. I know several, personally that have passed on to HIM. I miss them, but they made a difference for a lot of folk. Thank you- You will never be forgotten, just like those that are serving our country now will not be forgotten.
Sincerely, Eileen Hines

The Young Dead Soldiers Do Not Speak...

Tomorrow is Veteran's Day - please join me in saying thank you to all our veterans, young and old... And if you now the mom of a soldier - thank her for her beloved child who made an incredible committment to help protect us, our country and our freedom..

The Young Dead Soldiers Do Not Speak

~ by Archibald MacLeish, 1892-1982, American Poet

The young dead soldiers do not speak.

Nevertheless, they are heard

in the still houses: who has not heard them?

They have a silence that speaks for them at night

and when the clock counts.

They say: We were young.

We have died.

Remember us.

They say: We have done what we could

but until it is finished

it is not done.

They say: We have given our lives

but until it is finished

no one can know what our lives gave.

They say: Our deaths are not ours:

they are yours,

they will mean what you make them.

They say: Whether our lives and our deaths were for

peace and a new hope or for nothing

We cannot say, it is you who must say this.

We leave you our deaths.

Give them their meaning.

We were young, they say.

We have died; remember us.

The Holidays Are Coming....

~ By Mary Cleckley, BP/USA Member

It’s getting to be that time of year. The holidays are almost upon us, as though you haven’t noticed!

Those of you who are approaching your first Thanksgiving, Christmas or Hanukkah without your child are probably already anticipating them without glee and possible panic. Know that you are normal.

All of us who have gone through those first of many holidays without our children understand how you feel. I don’t know of any way to avoid that apprehension. It is part of the experience of losing someone you love. I can tell you that the fear of the unknown is one of the worst fears there is. Once you have gone through those special family-oriented times without your child or children, it is an unknown no longer.

In the future, though you may not enjoy them in the same way you once did, at least you know how it feels.  You will be able eventually to help yourself and your family discover ways of approaching and observing these days so that they are less traumatic.

I found I got in the worst trouble when I allowed myself to get so far into the future. Worry about this day because this is the only day you have to get through right now., Though you may not think so now, you will once again find something for which to be thankful. It takes time. Be patient.  We hope you will find some peace in the weeks ahead.

Our Lady of the Lake-Mass for Those Who Have Lost a Child

For those moms in Lake Havasu City, Arizona - please remember that tonight at Our Lady of the Lake Catholic Church - 1975 Daytona Drive, Lake Havasu City - they will hold their annual:

" Mass For Those Who Have Lost A Child"

it is this evening, Monday, November 8th at 7pm.

All parents and grandparents who have lost a child are invited to attend.  A reception for parents and all who attend will be held after Mass in the St Thomas More Room.

For more information:

• Call Our Lady of the Lake Catholic Church 855-2685
• Speak or visit  Deacon Gilbert Lopez who handles the Bereavement Ministry
• Click on the link below to visit their website and check the "weekly bulletin"

  www.ourladylhc.net

Parent & Child - Unique & Special Relationships

There is no relationship like that of parent and child. It is unique and special...

The bond between parent and child is so powerful that its strength endures time, distance, and strife. No loss is as significant as the loss of a child...On the death of a child, a parent feels less than whole. ~ ARNOLD AND GEMMA 1994, 25-27

When a child dies, the sense of absolute emptiness, the lack of wholeness, and the feeling of diminishment after the death of a child are felt by all parents, regardless of marital status; age; language; financial or social circumstances; biological relation to the child; or cultural, racial, or religious background.

Despite the differences among parents, their responses and needs, all have one major need in common-their grief is intense and must be acknowledged.

Yes, you will always grieve to some extent for your child who has died. You will always remember your “baby” - whether an infant or adult child, because no matter their age from the time a pregnancy begins, or circumstance of their death, as parents we all wish beyond wishes that we could smell their smell or hold them in your arms. But as time goes on, this wishing will no longer deplete you of the will to live your own life.  ~ HORCHLER AND MORRIS 1994, 158

CLOCKS CHANGE - 2AM Sunday morning, Nov. 7th, 2010

Before you call family elsewhere in the country tomorrow, Sunday November 7th, remember the time difference between them and those of us here in Arizona will probably be different than it is today...

This weekend on Sunday morning, November 7TH at 2am, Daylight Savings Time will end and most states in the US will revert back to Standard Time - so before they go to bed Saturday evening, they will set their clocks, watches and other time pieces BACK 1 HOUR.

They will then move them ahead to begin Daylight Savings Time "1 hour" at 2am on the second Sunday in March, March 13th 2011.. Most computers and cable boxes will make this change automatically without our help..

Several states, including most of us here in Arizona (except some Indian Reservations), Hawaii, Puerto Rico, the U.S. Virgin Islands, and American Samoa have chosen not to observe Daylight Saving Time so they do not change their clocks at anytime during the year.

Parental Grief is Nameless & Boundless

It is said that a wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan.

But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is!

It is frequently said that the grief of bereaved parents is the most intense grief known.

When a child dies, parents feel that a part of them has died, that a vital and core part of them has been ripped away. Bereaved parents indeed do feel that the death of their child is "the ultimate deprivation" (Arnold and Gemma 1994, 40). The grief caused by their child's death is not only painful but profoundly disorienting-children are not supposed to die.

Parents, whose children have died, are forced to confront an extremely painful and stressful paradox; they are faced with a situation in which they must deal both with the grief caused by their child's death and with their inherent need to continue to live their own lives as fully as possible. Thus, bereaved parents must deal with the contradictory burden of wanting to be free of this overwhelming pain and yet needing it as a reminder of the child who died.


Bereaved parents continue to be parents of the child who died. They will always feel the empty place in their hearts caused by the child's death; they were, and always will be, the loving father and mother of that child. Yet, these parents have to accept that they will never be able to live their lives with or share their love openly with the child.

So, bereaved parents must find ways to hold on to the memories. Many bereaved parents come to learn that "memories are the precious gifts of the heart...[that they need] these memories and whispers, to help create a sense of inner peace, a closeness" (Wisconsin Perspectives Newsletter, Spring 1989, 1).


Yes - parental grief ~ like parental love ~ is boundless. It touches every aspect of a parent's being...

Yes, when our children die, we as parents will grieve for the rest of our lives. Our grief becomes part of us - the new us..As time passes, parents come to appreciate that our grief is our link to our child, our grief keeps us connected to the child.

Yes it is true, Children are not supposed to die, but we know hat they do...  We, the parents, expect to see our children grow, mature and live long and happy lives..

Yes it is true, ultimately, all parents expect to die and leave their children behind...This is the natural course of life events, the life cycle continuing as it should.

But yes we also know, that the loss of a child, our child, is the loss of innocence, and sometimes the death of the most vulnerable and dependent.

Yes, it is true, the death of our child, signifies the loss of the future, of hopes and dreams, of new strength, and of perfection.  We, the parents are expected to an must continue on, to live our lives to the fullest; to give meaning to their lives and their legacies and to insure that throught our memories, that they are not forgotten...

Adapting to the loss of a loved one

~ by Wendy Bridger

Have you ever sat down and played a piano where one of the keys wasn't working? Or made cookies and left out an ingredient? Perhaps you've started listening to a favorite CD, and just when it gets to your favorite part of your favorite song, you realize that there is a scratch in it.

In some ways, losing a loved one is similar. Here you are going easily through life, and then, BAM, they are gone and life will never be the same. That piano piece sounds different because the middle C is broken, the cookies just aren't the same, and at times, we are frustrated like we are when our CD gets scratched. Unfortunately, with the loss of a loved one, it is more difficult to fix than the piano or the batch of cookies, and your loved one was irreplaceable, unlike the CD. Short and simple, this is what grieving is: learning to cope with the loss of someone who was apart of what made us what we are. So, what do we do? How do we go on after they are gone? I have a few suggestions that might help you through.

First of all, just as each of us has different personalities, each of us grieves in a different way. There is no right or wrong way to feel or act, as long as you are not endangering yourself or others. Some of us cry. Others of us bury ourselves in work or hobbies. If the person is still living and only the relationship has changed, it is very easy for us to do all we can to change things back to how they used to be. At times, it may take a while to truly even admit that they are gone. We just might feel numb. Some of us might even feel guilty if we don't feel sad enough! So, take your feelings and actions for what they are and be patient with yourself. After all, you have just lost a part of what makes you who you are.

Also, find a way to transition your loved one into your new life¹. My father in law lost his dad last year and he hung a picture of him up in the living room to remember him. Others write goodbye letters to their loved one, giving themselves a chance to tell them things that they never got to say. Some of us keep a little box full of pictures and memories only to be taken out when we want to remember them, because remembering them all the time would be too overwhelming. I had a friend who's little brother died. She got married on his birthday as a way to include him at her wedding. Once again, it depends on you and your relationship with the one you loved. For instance, burning every picture you had of an ex-boyfriend might be the perfect way to transition.

Another thing, you don't ever "get over it." Your loved one is gone. If you no longer have an ingredient to make cookies, it's easy to realize that replacing it with a different ingredient would not make the cookies start tasting like they used to. To expect that you will be able to replace your loved one is also unrealistic. This reality may sound even more depressing. Frankly, I love chocolate chip cookies, and the idea of not ever having one again is quite upsetting! But in time, if I had to, I could grow to love other sweets, like banana bread, sweet potato pie, or brownies. So, even if you aren't going to get over it, and you won't, but in time, you will adapt to the loss and find fulfillment through other experiences and relationships.

So, be patient with yourself. Losing someone isn't easy. It turns your life upside down. Naturally, it's going to take a while to pick up the pieces and transition to life without your loved one.

Remember, Beethoven composed some beautiful music after losing his hearing, and you will find happiness and fulfillment again in your life after losing your loved one.

¹Wordern, J.W. (1991). Grief Counseling & Grief Therapy: A guidebook for the Mental Health Practitioner. Springer Publishing

Announcement: National Survivors of Suicide Day & Heartbeat

For those of you who have lost a child by suicide, we want to be sure you are aware of HEARTBEAT, a support group that meets the first and third Tuesday evening of every month... In addition to these meetings, they have a special event coming up on Saturday, November 20th, which is the 12th Annual National Survivors of Suicide Day, which will be held at Cavalry Baptist Church... and as always, if you know of other parents who might find these helpful, please be sure to pass this along to them...

HEARTBEAT/LAKE HAVASU CITY
Meets: LHC Community Center, Room 152
100 Park Ave., LHC
First and third Tuesdays, 7 – 9pm ~ October - May

For more information about the bi-monthly meetings or the upcoming 12th Annual National Survivors of Suicide Day, Call:
Judy or Dan at (928) 854-0113 OR (928) 208-0129 or
email them at jdhoppes@frontiernet.net

12th ANNUAL NATIONAL SURVIVORS OF SUICIDE DAY
November 20, 2010
10:30am-3pm (Lunch provided)
Presented By: Heartbeat of Lake Havasu
Location: Calvary Baptist Church 1605 McCulloch Blvd S Lake Havasu City, AZ 86406
Fee: None (Donations accepted)
A Memory Board will be available if you would like to bring a picture of your loved one. Please include name, birthdate and date of loss. The picture will be returned to you at the end of the day.

NATIONAL SURVIVORS OF SUICIDE DAY

Every person who dies by suicide leaves behind survivors—loved ones left shocked, grieving and struggling to understand and cope with their heartbreaking loss. Many survivors feel isolated and alone, wondering if anyone understands their pain.

In 1999, United States Senator Harry Reid, a survivor of his own father’s suicide, brought the challenge of coping with suicide loss into the national spotlight by introducing Senate Resolution 99, which declared the Saturday before Thanksgiving “National Survivors of Suicide Day.”
Each year on National Survivors of Suicide Day, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) reaches out to survivors through local survivor conferences held simultaneously in communities throughout the world, which are all linked by a live broadcast. This unique network of healing conferences connects survivors within their own communities and across the globe. For many, National Survivors of Suicide Day is the first time they’ve ever met anyone else who has lost someone to suicide.

The broadcast includes a blend of emotional support and information about resources for healing. “Veteran” survivors and mental health professionals address the questions that so many survivors face: Why did this happen? How do I cope? Where can I find support? Since many survivors also find it helpful to understand something about the science of suicide prevention and bereavement, the program also includes a brief presentation of research highlights by mental health professionals.

HEARTBEAT is a member of the following (websites listed):
The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, A national research organization,
http://www.afsp.org/

The American Association of Suicidology, A national organization dedicated to the study and reduction of human self-destruction. http://www.suicidology.org/

and

Suicide Prevention Action Network http://www.spanusa.org/

Remember Me...

Remember Me...

~ Author Unknown

To the living, I am gone,
To the sorrowful, I will never return,
To the angry, I was cheated,
But to the happy, I am at peace,
And to the faithful, I have never left.

I cannot speak,

but I can listen.

I cannot be seen,

but I can be heard.

So as you stand upon a shore

gazing at a beautiful sea--
As you look upon a flower

and admire it's simplicity--
Remember Me.

Remember me in your heart.
Your thoughts, and your memories,
Of the times we loved,
The times we cried,
The times we fought,
The times we laughed.

For if you always think of me,
I will never have gone.