Mom's little white lies....

I've met a lot of mom's who are in this private club of "grieving moms" since my first child, Randee Marie, died in March 1971 and I think this poem describes almost every one of those moms very accurately.... Sad isn't it, that typically the only one who recognizes those "little white lies" are another mom from the same private club... This poem is from each of our angel children "to those around us!!!  ... Cherie Houston

ASK MY MOM HOW SHE IS

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before.
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Mom how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
Because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my Mom how she is,
She'll say "I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night?

Ask my Mom how she is,
She seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake Mom, just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.

I am Here in Heaven.
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here, Mom,
With all the lies you told!"

I love you Mom – Happy Mother’s Day!

-Unknown

Mothers Day is Upon Us

~ by Vivian Gans, TGF/Camden County, New Jersey

It’s May and the earth is getting warmer.  The flowers are in full bloom.  The birds are back.  Young animals are running around and butterflies will soon be fluttering about.

Mothers Day is upon us and for a newly bereaved parent this day brings with it a great pain for your heart and soul.  It s a heartache for those who have lost their only child/children.  The question   “Am I still a mother?” dances in their heads.  For anyone who conceived a child, they will still be a mother, no matter what.  Don’t ever let anyone try to take that away from you.  From the time that child is conceived and starts to grow in our bodies, we are mothers.

Those of us who have other children, don’t forget them.  We are their mother also,.  Our living children need us, sometimes now more than ever.  They need our help and support for all the heartaches and pressures here on earth, including that of losing their brother or sister.

This Mothers’ Day, think of the child you lost; but most of all reach out and hug the child or children you still have here with you if you are fortunate to have children still with you. 

For those of you have lost your only child, look around.  There are children whose mothers have turned their back on their children, there are children who are hurting because they have no mother.. Look around your neighborhood, school or church.  There is someone to whom you could each out and be a friend..

The Grieving Person’s Bill of Rights

The Grieving Person’s Bill of Rights ~ Author Unknown Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain “rights” no one should try to take away from you. The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to help you decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones. 1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief. No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. When you turn to others for help, don’t allow them to tell you what you should or should not be feeling. 2. You have the right to talk about your grief. Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. 3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions. Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don’t take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition. 4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don’t allow others to push you into doing things you don’t feel ready to do. 5. You have the right to experience grief “attacks.” Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but it is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out. 6. You have the right to make use of ritual. The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of some one loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More important, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you that rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don’t listen. 7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality. If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry with God, find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment. 8. You have the right to search for meaning. You may find yourself asking, “Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?” Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you have to be thankful for,” are not helpful and you do not have to accept them. 9. You have the right to treasure your memories. Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them. 10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

Strength - You are Stronger than you think

STRENGTH

~by Tery Jago, Regina, Canada~

In the early days of my grief, 

a tear would well up in my eyes,

A lump would form in my throat, 

but you would not know………  I would hide it,

AND, I am STRONG!!

In the middle days of my grief, 

I would look ahead and see that wall

that I had attempted to go around 

as an ever-present reminder of a wall yet unscaled.

Yet I did not attempt to scale it for the strong will survive –

AND I am STRONG!!

In the later days of my grief, 

I learned to climb over that wall – step by step –

Remembering, crying, grieving.

And the tears flowed steadily as I painstakingly went over.

The way was long, but I did make it, 

For I am STRONG!

Near the resolution of my grief, 

a tear will well up in my eyes, 

a lump will form in my throat, 

but I will let that tear fall – and you will see it.

Through it you will see

that I still hurt and I still care.

For I am STRONG!

Who is a Bereaved Mother?

~ Author Unknown 

A Bereaved Mother is someone who stands at a grave wondering how she is going to live the rest of her life without this child

A Bereaved Mother is someone who thinks and fears that she will spend the rest of her life with this horrendous feeling inside.  

A Bereaved Mother is someone who learns she can think again of happy moments instead of the horror that surrounds her child’s death

A Bereaved Mother is someone who has to learn how to live all over again

A Bereaved Mother is someone who has to start new traditions in her family because the old ones no longer work

A Bereaved Mother is someone who wishes they would take Mothers Day out of the calendar

A Bereaved Mother is someone who only has the past left of her child

A Bereaved Mother is someone who has to learn to accept the loss of her beloved child and uses what she has learned to help others

A Bereaved Mother is someone who can again learn to smile, to look forward to the future and excited again because other moms, who were just like her "bereaved moms themselves" were there when she needed them

Motherhood & Mother's Day, So Different Now

~~ by Mary A. D. Petrino - In Loving Memory of Julia Kenney Teresa Petrino, August 8, 1984 - June 9, 1999 

 For those of us who have experienced the loss of a child, Mother's Day becomes less about mothers and more about children. Often, there are painful memories of profound loss. Sometimes, there are joyful memories of a precious child. Always, there is the realization that this one special life has forever changed the life of the mother. On Mother's Day, the absence of our children is a void we try to fill with memories - a handmade card from long ago, a special photograph from happy times, a song once loved and shared - but the memories can never replace the presence of our children.

Mysteriously, we have been called to walk a different road together - one without our children. As we might observe other families experiencing what we had once enjoyed on this special day, we might feel envious. We cannot delight in the pleasures of a Mother's Day brunch or family outing that celebrates the joy of being the mother of such a special child. Why were we asked to carry this burden of being separated from the person who gave us the title of "mother?" Perhaps there are no answers adequate enough to satisfy each one of us. That is what makes life as well as motherhood such a great mystery.

Recently, at a meeting of In Loving Memory [the TCF satellite group for parents with no surviving children] a strange question came up for discussion: "What benefit, if any, has resulted from the death of your child?" Some people thought immediately that the question was a mistake. Others though that the question should be thrown out. Some others asked why we should not consider this question - perhaps it had some merit.

Perhaps benefit is expressed in each individual child's legacy - through contributions, research, scholarships or other good works carried out in loving memory of our children. Perhaps another benefit is the perspective each of us brings to the support group. Certainly, Alive Alone, In Loving Memory, and The Compassionate Friends are what they are because of who we are - and who are children are - and because we honor their memory.

Not all of us shared the same set of beliefs, but we all believed that our children were the greatest influence on our lives. They were the ones who "gave birth" to the persons who became their mothers. They changed us from the day they entered our lives. Their lives and their deaths have changed our lives for the rest of our lives.

So perhaps the greatest legacy of our children is in the person we have become for each other, for those we support through Alive Alone, In Loving Memory, TCF, as well as for our families, our friends, and our communities.

Many, many years ago, another young mother lived in a remote village, far from the center of what was considered the civilized world. Her only son grew up and learned to practice his father's trade. After years of working quietly at home, he left and began traveling through their country, teaching and healing the crowds of who came to hear him. But his message and his miracles threatened the established traditions of his day, and the local leaders feared his influence among the people. Ultimately, his mother, who followed him everywhere, watched her precious only son suffer and die the most horrible death known at that time.

But before he died, he told his followers, "Love one another as I have loved you." As he died, he commended his mother's care to his dearest friend. So, his mother found the key to the mystery of how to continue after his death. His mother understood the way to honor her son and his memory.

His mother followed his teachings and kept his memory alive for his friends. Perhaps we might learn from her, and follow her good example, for she was the most perfect mother of all time.

WHEN MOTHER'S DAY HURTS Part 3 of 3

~ Karla Helbert, MS, LPC, Grief, Loss & Bereavement Expert

In our society where mourning is no longer a widespread or open practice (though I am working hard, along with likeminded friends and colleagues to change that), other community members may not always feel they can openly discuss “the departed.”

If you know someone whose mother has died, or if you knew his or her mother, perhaps sending a white flower in memory of their mother may be a lovely gesture. You might also consider sending a card or letter, or making a phone call specifically to share memories of that person’s mother. Taking a moment to let her child know how much she meant to you, can be very comforting. If you know a young child whose mother has died, acknowledge that child’s pain and let that child know that you are a safe person to talk to. Again, sharing memories of the child’s mother can let that child know how much his or her mom meant to others.

For all of us, childless mothers and motherless children alike, planning a way to remember our deeply cherished loved ones is very important:

• • Make a plan that will honor your mother’s or your child’s life
• • Acknowledge their presence in your life, your heart and your mind.
• • Honor your love for them, as well as the pain you feel due to their absence.
• • Create new traditions for this day: light a candle, say a prayer, or wear a flower.
• • You might wish to donate to a charity in your child’s or your mother’s name
• Plan a visit to the burial site, plant a tree, create a work of art or start a scrapbook.
• Read your child or mom’s favorite book, watch their favorite movies, listen to songs they loved.
• Name a star after your child, make his or her favorite food, plan a balloon release with notes to him or her written on the balloons.

No matter what, you are always a mother. And no matter what, your mother is always your mother. We can remember them with love.

I vividly recall the first Mother’s Day after my son died. It was a very sad, painful day. The beauty of spring itself seemed to exist solely to mock my childless arms. On that day, my husband and I planted a tree in our backyard. I had originally planned to plant a tree for our son so that he could watch the tree grow as he grew. Instead, we planted the tree in his memory. The choosing of the tree, bringing it home, digging the hole, and the placement of the tree itself, were all acts that meant more than the simple planting of a tree. The act was elevated to ritual status and was very healing and comforting. I placed special stones around the tree, hung wind chimes and placed special ornaments in and around the tree. Caring for the tree has become a way of demonstrating our on-going love for him. Weeding, decorating the area, watering and fertilizing the tree have allowed for that loving memorial to continue. The tree is visible in our back yard from every window that looks out of the back of our house; kitchen, living room, bathroom, hallway, office.

While nothing takes away the pain of missing my child, the ritual we created together to honor his memory made that first Mother’s Day more bearable, and is a constant reminder of our love for him. Seeing the tree bloom each spring and watching it grow a little taller and stronger with each passing year underscore the tree’s symbolic representation of our ever-present love for him and his presence in our family.

If you anticipate that Mother’s Day will be difficult for you, whatever your personal circumstances, spend some time making a plan for honoring, remembering and memorializing. Think about doing something to care for yourself as well. Self-care gifts such as massage, manicure, pedicure, can all help to alleviate stress. Ask for what you need. Taking time to be alone, to journal, to take a walk, spend time in nature, or simply to rest can be very helpful. If you need support, ask for it. If you worry that no one will do anything for you on Mother’s Day, be pro-active and tell your loved ones what you would like to do to observe the day. Plan a lunch or dinner with supportive friends or family.

Give yourself permission to do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

And know that your sisters in grief will be thinking of you and sending you their love...

WHEN MOTHER'S DAY HURTS Part 2 of 3

~ Karla Helbert, MS, LPC, Grief, Loss & Bereavement Expert

All bereaved parents long to hear other people speak their child’s name after he or she has died. Many non-bereaved people think (wrongly) that if they mention the child, this will somehow “open the wound,” or “remind” us of the loss. You can trust that we are already thinking about our children, that wound is ever-present. Our children are never, ever far from our hearts and minds. One of the greatest fears for a bereaved parent is that no one, except for us, will remember our children. If you have a special memory of her child, send a card with a story of that memory enclosed. It will be a cherished treasure. Even a card simply wishing her a happy and peaceful day is a gesture that is greatly appreciated.

When we are bereaved mothers who are also fortunate enough to have other children who are alive, we continue to miss and to mourn the ones who are not here for our arms to physically enfold. For these mothers, acknowledging their child who has died can be an incredibly meaningful gift. One child does not replace another. We celebrate in the joyful presence of our living children and deeply mourn the absence of the ones who are not here sharing our daily lives. Remembering that we are mothers to all our children is such a special act.

For women who have suffered early miscarriage, women experiencing infertility problems, or for birth mothers whose birth children have been placed in adoptive homes, Mother’s Day can bring a silent and isolating grief. Much of society does not recognize the loss that can be inherent in these women’s circumstances. Simply letting her know that you are thinking of her on this day can be welcome gesture. A phone call to check in and a simple, “I was thinking of you today and wondering if you were doing ok.” This can allow her to talk about her feelings if she chooses to do so.

For any person whose mother has died, Mother’s Day can be a painful and sad time. A tradition of the not so long ago past called for corsages to be worn on Mother’s Day. A red corsage meant that person’s mother was still alive. A white flower meant their mother had died. Those who wore white flowers were most likely given extra hugs or an extra squeeze of the hand. The openly worn symbol of the flower allowed others to feel freer to talk about the woman who had died, to feel invited to share remembrances or condolences. It's sad this tradition is so rare today...

Part 3 of 3 continued tomorrow, Friday, May 4th

WHEN MOTHER'S DAY HURTS Part 1 of 3

~ Karla Helbert, MS, LPC, Grief, Loss & Bereavement Expert

Mother’s Day is observed by many as a joyful day of celebration, a time when hardworking mothers can have a chance to put our feet up, relax, be treated to breakfasts in bed, special lunches or dinners, given special consideration. We might receive gifts lovingly chosen or perhaps handmade by our children and partners. The day may hold special times set aside for visiting with or talking to our mothers, perhaps making up for time we have been apart, busy with our lives. The idea of Mother’s Day in our culture is painted as brightly and sentimentally as any Hallmark commercial.

The truth is though, for many, Mother’s Day can be a painful and difficult day. Women whose children have died at any age, women experiencing infertility, women who have had miscarriages, men, women and children whose mothers have died—for these and others, Mother’s Day can be a day of sadness and loss. In grief, many days typically perceived as happy or joyful times are experienced by the grieving and bereaved as sad and isolating.

Bereaved mothers are faced with the experience of seeing other mothers interact with their children, of watching seemingly happy, intact families go about the daily ordinary business of life. People whose mothers have died hear other people speak casually about day-to-day interactions with their mothers, or watch mothers and daughters shopping or lunching happily. We are faced with the barrage of Mother’s Day commercials created to tug at our heart strings (and of course, urge us to open our wallets); and in all those things, so much of the grief we experience is the grief for that which can never be our reality.

Each person’s grief, and his or her response to the pain of grief is always highly individual, but no matter what, if you are mother whose child has died, or, if you are a child whose mother has died, Mother’s Day is a sad time.

For women whose children have died, it can almost go without saying that Mother’s Day is deeply painful, and because of that, it should never go without saying. If you know a mother whose child has died, at any age, please acknowledge her motherhood as well as her pain. The greatest gift for a bereaved mother on Mother’s Day can be the simple, but hugely powerful, recognition of her motherhood. Even though our children have died, we are still mothers–to all of our children.

The simple act of recognition allows a bereaved mother the validation she so often seeks and sadly, so often finds missing. A hug and a “Happy Mother’s Day,” even if that seems improbable, could mean more than one could imagine. There are many things supportive friends and family members can do to help ease the pain of this difficult day for a grieving mother. Visit her child’s grave, leave a pretty stone, a seashell or other small trinket, and let her know. Talk about her child. Use her child’s name in conversation, no matter how brief.

continued Part 2 of 3, tomorrow: Wednesday, May 2nd 

May 1st - a sign that Mother's Day is just around the corner

~ by Cherie Houston, Journey from Mourning to Joy, LHC, AZ

Yes it's May 1st - and no doubt the commercials and ads for Mothers Day are everywhere... Another holiday that seems to knock us down and remind us - like cold water thrown at us - that our child or children are no longer here.

For parents who have lost their only child - holidays like Mother's Day and Father's Day can be almot unbearable, and even for those of us who are blessed to have other children, grand-children or great-grand-children often find holidays like Mother's Day difficult - yes they can be "grief triggers" that catapult us down the mountain into that roaring river of grief...

Nothing we can do or say can ease these triggers - the waves of emotions that you might experience;  but one thing I've learned over the years and you may have heard (and it's true) is that the anticipation of certain days is almost always much worse than the actual holiday, birthday or anniversary itself... You may not believe it, and it may not be easy, but you will get through it..  How you do that will be as varied as each of our own circumstances - just remember there is no right or wrong way... 

No matter what you might think or have been told, no matter what, you are now and will always be a mom, nothing will ever change that. Whether your child or children are angels or thriving, the moment we conceive, we earn the title of "mom, mother, ma" and it is an incredible title that will remain with us until we ourselves are finished here on earth and return home to heaven...

We hope that the articles we'll share with you every day for the next few weeks will help you in some small way to find peace in your heart.. Lots of Love & hugs from one mom to another as we celebrate the most wonderful title we've ever been given "Mom"...Cherie Houston