Memorial Day - Thank you to all who serve and their parents

This weekend, we celebrate Memorial Day 2011, a day meant to remember and give thanks to all those serving in our military and especially those who have served and have since gone home to heaven...

I received this poem a few weeks ago and feel that it's a wonderful tribute to all those whom we remember this weekend. So as we take a moment to remember and be grateful for the selfless sacarafices so many have and continue to make on our behalf, take a moment to say a prayer of thanks for each and everyone of them - and for those still serving, we thank you and pray that you all come home safely to your families.....

And also take a moment to remember the moms and dads who have and continue to share their children in the military for the benefit of each of us who enjoy the priveleges here in these wonderful United Sates of America....

THE FINAL INSPECTION
The Soldier stood and faced God,
Which must always come to pass.
He hoped his shoes were shining,
Just as brightly as his brass..

'Step forward now, Soldier ,
How shall I deal with you?
Have you always turned the other cheek?
To My Church have you been true?'

The soldier squared his shoulders and said,
'No, Lord, I guess I ain't.
Because those of us who carry guns,
Can't always be a saint.

I've had to work most Sundays,
And at times my talk was tough.
And sometimes I've been violent,
Because the world is awfully rough.

But, I never took a penny,
That wasn't mine to keep...
Though I worked a lot of overtime,
When the bills got just too steep.

And I never passed a cry for help,
Though at times I shook with fear..
And sometimes, God, forgive me,
I've wept unmanly tears.

I know I don't deserve a place,
Among the people here.
They never wanted me around,
Except to calm their fears

If you've a place for me here, Lord,
It needn't be so grand.
I never expected or had too much,
But if you don't, I'll understand.

There was a silence all around the throne,
Where the saints had often trod.
As the Soldier waited quietly,
For the judgment of his God.

'Step forward now, you Soldier,
You've borne your burdens well.
Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,
You've done your time in Hell.'

Author Unknown~

In the acute raw state of our grief, please.....

~ by Cherie Houston

The death of our friends son Keith last week reminded me of how much we all need to be "aware" of how gently a grieving parent needs to be handled.. While listening to those around us at Keith's service - they certainly meant well, but their comments of "time will heal" - "she is young/meaning his wife of 16 years" - thank god his parents still have Kevin/their 2nd and now only other child who is 41" - were no doubt made with the utmost respect and thoughfulness, but yet I wanted to shout out - I hope you don't say those things to them "please be gentle with them".. Although the time immediately surrounding the deaths of my 3 children are blurred, I remember well the pain and fear I felt those first few days, weeks and months and looking back wish I could have said to all around me....

In the acute raw state of our grief – those first few days, weeks and month, after we as parents lose a child, remember that we often find it difficult to even speak.. never mind think – I’ve heard it said that at this time, there is no emotional space at all for grieving parents….

In the acute raw state of our grief, that part of our minds that isn’t occupied by grief, is occupied by anger, which we usually are trying not to vent against those around us, because we are at least aware that those around us love us and are truly trying to help us – but remember we just want to scream an change what’s happened..

In the acute raw state of our grief, just be with us – lovingly and remember that we aren’t absorbing most words said to us… Just be near us – don’t fear us – when you don’t know what to say, there’s nothing wrong with saying just that – because we don’t either…

In the acute raw state of our grief, please don’t tell us what our emotions should or shouldn’t be or put your emotions on us… and please don’t make any emotional demands on us – we are simply trying to get thru each moment, minute, hour and day..

In the acute raw state of our grief, if you can help us with what needs to be done around us, please just do what needs to be done.. Realize we can’t make even the smallest decision, so it's of no help to ask us what we need you to do.. If you just do it, later we’ll be grateful you went ahead and made dinner for us, answered the phone, cleaned our home, ran to the grocers, mowed our lawn, greeted guests or whatever needed to be done as we tried to absorb what has happend.

In the acute raw state of our grief, remember we don't need words - a hug and gentle touch can mean so very much..

In the acute raw state of our grief, bear with us – listen to what we are saying even though we may be repeating the same memory during our childs life or how they died, over and over again. We are just trying to comprehend what's happened and convince ourselves that they were here - we are adjusting to the nightmare we are living - the worst night any parent can face...

In the acute raw state of our grief, bear with us if we seem different and understand we are - Please accept that we will never be the same, our normal has changed forever..

In the acute raw state of our grief, please don’t make any reference to “time” such as “It just takes time”, “in time you’ll get over this”, “time heals all” – you have no idea and right now we are trying to believe that we will survive this devastating loss..

Please know that once the acute raw state of our grief begins to ease and fade and with “time”, we hope that we will remember and appreciate all your efforts – but if we don’t, remember that all we ask is that while we are going thru this journey of mourning, that you will just do the best you can, from your heart.

Sincere, heartfelt intentions speak much louder than actual words and I pray that if the tables were turned, and you were the one suffering “the acute raw state of grief” that I would do the same…

I'm Free

Several days ago in my post I'd mentioned how sad I'd been and now I wonder if it wasn't a premonition of things to come... I'd just finished writing that post when we learned that family friends for many years had tragically lost their wonderful 38 year old son Keith the night before - apparently a massive heart attack.  

On Friday this week, May 27th, Keith and his high school sweetheart Brenda would have celebrated their 16th wedding anniversary with their 2 beautiful girls Kristen & Kayla who are only 12 & 14... Keith's parents, our friends, Dan and Sue and Keith's brother Kevin, his wife Patti & their son Marc and Keith's entire family are shocked and in so much pain, a pain that we each know only too well.. (So please keep them in your prayers)

When we arrived for Keith's services last Thursday evening, Keith's parents, Sue & Dan both said the same thing to us "Déjà vu" and sadly it was.. Coincidentally, the night of Keith's service, was also that of my son Bob's 20 month anniversary... Why does this happen? Who knows, but we all know it's not fair - no parent should ever have to bury a child.. Yes Keith, like Bobby, and all of our children no matter their age, are and were were much too young to go before us, but it wasn't to be...

As the priest spoke at Keith's service, it saddened me to know that more moms and dads would continue to join this horrible club - just as each of us have. Thank God we don't know who or when, and we can't change it, it is just life.. like it or not... But what we can change is making sure that each and every new member of this club - the mom's and dad who find themselves in our position, know that they aren't alone and that together, with each other to lean on, we will make it - we will move forward and celebrate our children's lives and legacy, taking comfort that they are waiting for us and we will see them again. I believe that most if not all of our children, if they could speak to us once in heaven, would tell us words similar to those in this poem....

Note-Friday May 20th, the day after Keith's service-Dan & Sue's only other child-their 41 yr. old son Kevin had a heart attack and is currently at a hospital in Boston-please keep Kevin and the entire Carlisle family in your prayers... we just never know...

I'M FREE
~ By Linda Jo Jackson
 Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free
I'm following the path God laid for me.
I took His hand when I heard him call;
I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way;
I found that place at the close of day.

If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared a laugh, a kiss;
Ah yes, these things, I too will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full, I savored much;
Good friends, good times, a loved ones touch.

Perhaps my time seems all to brief;
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me,
God wanted me now, He set me free.

Our beautiful moms

I stumbled across this quote and thought of each and every mom in our group and I’m sure it applies to every mom who sadly has found themselves in our position – outliving our children… Each of our mom's have a unique beauty and this quote helped me to understand why... Yes, this quote reflects why you are each so beautiful and I’d like to add that I think our souls that she describes shining through are truly enhanced by the those of our children who have gone before us… Cherie Houston

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross explains your beauty so eloquently…


"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."

Just one of those days (actually weeks!)

Not sure why or what started it, maybe it's just the weather here in New England, which has been so dark and dreary the last few days - but the last few days have been so terribly sad for me - almost overwhelming....

Tomorrow will be 20 months since my 36 year old son Bobby took his own life, leaving his wife of 11 years and 2 beautiful little boys. For the last several weeks, especially the last few days, tears have flowed more often than I'd like. Seems like very song on the radio, everything on TV, comments made by my students, friends and family set-me off and the tears just won't stop...

Oh how I miss him - his laughter, smile and especially those big bear hugs, the random phone calls that he would make just to say hello and ask how my day was going, which always seem to come when I was stuck in traffic going to and from work... maybe that's why I find traffic jams so difficult... Yes I see Bobby every where I look - in his 2 little boys faces, when I walk into his home, which was my beloved grandmother's before he and his wife bought it 13 years ago. My husband Dan and I were at an 80th birthday party this weekend for Dan's brother-in-law at a restaurant on the ocean at a marina and boats were everywhere getting ready for the summer season - that was terribly hard, it actually took my breath away. Bobby loved the ocean and has since he was a little boy-he bough his first boat before he bought his first car!  I couldn't help but remember how proud and excited Bob and his wife had been on May 5th, eleven short years ago, when my husband Dan and I played hooky from work to help Bob and Jennifer celebrate and take possession of their first large boat, which they appropriately named "First Born" - what a special day that was... Yes Bobby loved the ocean, a love we'd all enjoyed when my boys were growing up.. it's so difficult now watching the ocean and that's why what my nephew Michael had said when he gave Bobby's eulogy at the funeral mass was so fitting and poignant......

Michael had said "I’d like to share a poem entitled “This Thing Called Death” which I believe can be a comfort to all of us who mourn Bob’s passing. It is similar to what Rev. Campo (the priest who said Bob's funeral mass) spoke about in his homily this morning.
 “I stand upon the seashore. A ship spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and heads out across the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength and I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speak of white cloud on the horizon just where the sea and sky meet to mingle with each other. At my side someone says: “There! She’s gone.”
 Gone where? Gone from my sight - that is all. She is just as large in mast and spar and hull as when she sailed close by, and just as able to bear her load of living freight to the place of destination. Her diminished size is in my vision alone. At the moment when someone at my side says, “There, She’s gone,” other eyes watch her coming, and other voices take up the glad shout, “Here, she comes!” And that is dying.
 Michael and his wife Kristin were still themselves recovering from the loss of their little boy Troy, who had been born and became an angel a few days later... I think,like me, the blessing of their 2 older little boys is what has helped them survive their own loss...

I totally believe that Bobby and both of my beloved daughters, Randee and Robin are all together with my grandmother Mae and other family members, enjoying the wonders of heaven and that they aren't gone but simply different - our guardian angels - watching and guiding us until we meet again...

But no matter how many good days I have, and how hard I work at "moving forward" (and don't let anyone kid you - it is work-very hard work) I accept the reality that will be these days - you know the ones when we say "why", "this isn't fair" all the cliches.... you know, those days when our hearts break, and the tears flow for what we believe should have been and will never be... And despite the tears, I wouldn't change change a thing (except to bring them back of course), but I'm so glad that I was their mom and for that I will never have a moment's regret....so I remind myself, as I'm sure so many of you do on these days, that "this too shall pass" -

My husband Dan and I are blessed to have a wonderful blended healthy-happy family with 4 beautiful sons, 5 beautiful daughter-in-laws and the most adorable 9 grandchildren!! Yes I'm prejudiced... and I'm so blessed to have the most wonderful husband in the world, Dan is without doubt, my rock...

So I know the sun will shine again (hopefully soon because we are all getting quite water logged here in New England where we spend our summers with our children and grandchildren, but it could be worse-we could be living on the banks of the Mississippi) so I'll try to count my blessings and be thankful for what we have and for the wonderful memories of those who have gone before us - who are just on another shore waiting for us with open arms... Cherie Houston

Helping Yourself Heal When Your Child Dies Part 4 of 4

~ Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt

EMBRACE YOUR TREASURE OF MEMORIES - Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of your child. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring these memories, share them with your family and friends. Keep in mind that memories can be tinged with both happiness and sadness. If your memories bring laughter, smile. If your memories bring sadness, then it's all right to cry. Memories that were made in love – no one can take them away from you.

GATHER IMPORTANT KEEPSAKES - You may want to collect some important keepsakes that help you treasure your memories. You may want to create a memory book, which is a collection of photos that represent your child's life. Some people create memory boxes to keep special memories. Then, whenever you want, you can open up your memory box and embrace these special memories. The reality that your child has died does not diminish your need to have these objects. They are a tangible, lasting part of the special relationship you had with your child.

EMBRACE YOUR SPIRITUALITY - If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you are angry at God because of the death of your child, realize this feeling as a normal part of your grief work. Find someone to talk with who won't be critical of whatever thought and feelings you need to explore. You may hear someone say, "With faith, you don't need to grieve". Don't believe it. Having your personal faith does not insulate you from needing to talk out and explore your thoughts and feelings. To deny your grief is to invite problems that build up inside you. Express your faith, but express your grief as well.

MOVE TOWARD  YOUR GRIEF AND HEAL - To restore your capacity to love you must grieve when your child dies. You can't heal unless you openly express your grief. Denying your grief will only make it become more confusing and overwhelming. Embrace your grief and heal. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself. Never forget that the death of child changes your life forever. "The experience of grief is powerful. So, too is your ability to help yourself heal. In doing the work of grieving, you are moving toward a renewed sense of meaning and purpose in your life".

About the Author - Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is a noted author, educator and practicing clinical thanatologist. He serves as a Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School in the Department of Family Medicine.

Helping Yourself Heal When Your Child Dies Part 3 of 4

~ Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt

TALK ABOUT YOUR GRIEF - Express your grief openly. When you share your grief outside yourself, healing occurs. Ignoring your grief won't make it go away; talking about it often makes you feel better. Allow yourself to speak from your heart, not just your head. Doing so doesn't mean you are losing control or going "crazy". It is a normal part of your grief journey.

WATCH OUT FOR CLICHES - You know those clichés.. - trite comments some people make in attempts to diminish your loss - can be extremely painful for you to hear. Comments like, "You are holding up so well", "Time heals all wounds", "Think of what you have to be thankful for" or "You have to be strong for others" are not constructive. While these comments may be well-intended, you do not have to accept them. You have every right to express your grief. No one has the right to take it away.

DEVELOP A SUPPORT SYSTEM - Reaching out to others and accepting support is often difficult, particularly when you hurt so much. But the most compassionate self-action you can do at this difficult time is to find a support system of caring friends and relatives who will provide the understanding you need. Seek out those people who encourage you to be yourself and acknowledge your feelings – both happy and sad. A support group may be one of the best ways to help yourself. In a group, you can connect with other parents who have experienced the death of a child. You will be allowed and gently encouraged to talk about your child as much, and as often, as you like. Sharing the pain won't make it disappear, but it can ease any thoughts that what you are experiencing is crazy, or somehow bad. Support comes in different forms for different people – find out what combinations work best for you and try to make use of them.

Part 4 of 4 will be posted on May 16th

About the Author - Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is a noted author, educator and practicing clinical thanatologist. He serves as a Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School in the Department of Family Medicine.

Helping Yourself Heal When Your Child Dies Part 2 of 4

~ Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt

THIS DEATH IS OUT OF ORDER - Because the more natural order is for parents to precede their children in death, you must readapt to a new and seemingly illogical reality. This shocking reality says that even though you are older and have been the protector and provider, you have survived while your child has not. This can be so difficult to comprehend. Not only has the death of your child violated nature's way, where the young grow up and replace the old, but your personal identity was tied to your child. You may feel impotent and wonder why you couldn't have protected your child from death.

EXPECT TO FEEL A MULTITUDE OF EMOTIONS - The death of your child can result in a variety of emotions. Confusion, disorganization, fear, guilt, anger and relief are just a few of the emotions you may feel. Sometimes these emotions will follow each other within a short period of time. Or they may occur simultaneously. As strange as some of these emotions may seem, they are normal and healthy. Allow yourself to learn from these feelings. And don't be surprised if out of nowhere you suddenly experience surges of grief, even at the most unexpected times. These grief attacks can be frightening and leave you feeling overwhelmed. They are, however, a natural response to the death of your child. Find someone who understands your feelings and will allow you to talk about them.

BE TOLERANT OF YOR PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL LIMITS - Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you fatigued. Your ability to think clearly and make decisions may be impaired. And your low energy level may naturally slow you down. Don't expect yourself to be as available to your spouse, surviving children, and friends as you might otherwise be.  Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Nurture yourself. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. Lighten your schedule as much as possible. Caring for yourself doesn't mean feeling sorry for yourself, it means you are using survival skills.

Part 3 of 4 will be posted on May 14th; Part 4 of 4 will be posted on May 16th

About the Author - Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is a noted author, educator and practicing clinical thanatologist. He serves as a Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School in the Department of Family Medicine.

Helping Yourself Heal When Your Child Dies Part 1 of 4

I'm confident that we've posted this in the past, however right now - after Mother's Day, when the pain of our child's death, no matter how recently or how long ago that may be, the heartache can feel so very fresh & strong, I think it's worth posting again.  It never hurts to be reminded that yes our pain is real, we aren't going crazy - that we are normal.. and also to reaffirm that we will move forward and that this pain is just a reminder of how much we love our children.. Parts 2 - 3 and 4 will be posted over the next several days... Cherie Houston

~ by Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt

ALLOW YOURSELF TO MOURN - Your Child has died. You are now faced with the difficult, but important, need to mourn. Mourning is the open expression of your thoughts and feelings regarding the death of your child. It is an essential part of healing. With the death of your child, your hopes, dreams and plans for the future are turned upside down. You are beginning a journey that is often frightening, painful and overwhelming. The death of a child results in the most profound bereavement. In fact, sometimes your feelings of grief may be so intense that you do not understand what is happening. This brochure provides practical suggestions to help you move toward healing in your personal grief experience.

REALIZE YOUR GRIEF IS UNIQUE -Your grief is unique. The unique child you loved and cared for so deeply has died. No one, including your spouse, will grieve in exactly the same way you do. Your grief journey will be influenced not only by the relationship you had with your child, but also by the circumstances surrounding the death, your emotional support system and your cultural and your religious background. As a result, you will grieve in your own unique way. Don't try to compare your experience with that of others or adopt assumptions about just how long your grief should last. Consider taking a "one-day-at-a-time" approach that allows you to grieve at your own pace.

ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL NUMB -Feeling dazed or numb when your child dies may well be a part of your early grief experience. You may feel as if the world has suddenly come to a halt. This numbness serves a valuable purpose: it gives your emotions time to catch up with what your mind has told you. You may feel you are in a dream-like state and that you will wake up and none of this will be true. These feelings of numbness and disbelief help insulate you from the reality of the death until you are more able to tolerate what you don't want to believe.

Part 2 of 4 will be posted on May 12th; Part 3 of 4 will be posted on May 14th; Part 4 of 4 will be posted on May 16th

About the Author - Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is a noted author, educator and practicing clinical thanatologist. He serves as a Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School in the Department of Family Medicine.

ASK MY MOM HOW SHE IS

-Unknown

ASK MY MOM HOW SHE IS....

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies,

She never did before.

But from now until she dies,

She'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Mom how she is

And because she can't explain,

She will tell a little lie

Because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my Mom how she is,

She'll say "I'm alright."

If that's the truth, then tell me,

why does she cry each night?

Ask my Mom how she is,

She seems to cope so well.

She didn't have a choice you see,

Nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mom how she is,

"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."

For God's sake Mom, just tell the truth,

Just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life,

I loved her all of mine.

But if you ask her how she is,

She'll lie and say she's fine.

I am Here in Heaven.

I cannot hug from here.

If she lies to you don't listen,

Hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,

We'll smile and I'll be bold.

I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here, Mom,

With all the lies you told!"

I love you Mom – Happy Mother’s Day!